It was the way he looked at me...
with an awkward almost visible but not there smile
the first time he said good bye
it was nice meeting you
he said
I looked for the emotion behind it
almost there , almost not.... almost only imaginable
I may never know....

It was the way he could add a smiling emoji to his texts
never using the real thing
just symbols.... in 2018...
weird yet still cool...
np.... with a symbol at the end...that became our thing...

the way you block or unsave my number whenever,
only to save it again.
and its better than any text I'd read any day
our random conversations
where I never know how far to reach
because I can only respect you.....

sitting with you.
next to you.
you interpreting things I say
you being proud of things I say to people
but not to me directly....
or the way you close one eye when you talk to me
or see me.
or the way we pretend not to see each other
sometimes
or I pretend alone.... I dont know.....

I go out and mind my business
I see you and its supposed to be a good day
but you are angry
I know..... I feel it in your tone, or how
you just cannot look me in the eye...
it pains me so to think you dont want to talk to me
or say anything at all.
I end up missing you, while standing next to you.

I like you.
I'm just confused if you do too.

with everything i've been through
i know i deserve consolation
i deserve a feast and a party

and i deserve to yell

to yell out my anguish and to yell at your face
to yell in delight and to yell out my hate

i can't seem to yell
i can't feel it'd do me justice if i let my heart out
because the world ***** and sometimes i do too
but my heart is something that wont ever let me down
and letting anyone see it would be unfair
unfair for me and unfair for my heart

so i let my heart out when im out for a swim
i wear it as a crown and i let it gleam
and when im submerged, underwater, in a dream
i'll let out my watered down scream

and with that my heart can be free
it can yell and shout and breathe
cause my heart sounds untamed and demented and deranged
and the water helps it grasp its own sanity