I have always hoped that you wouldnt get close enough
To catch the sharp ends of my personality
But with each slice to your ego
And every tear to your flesh
You seemed to tear me too
And when we got close enough
To inspect each others wounds
I looked into your eyes and saw my whole life flash
And I retracted my claws and hugged you tight
I never wanna let go

Dying has suddenly become my specialty

My edges have always been too sharp

Step away

Before you get cut

I've never been kissed in the rain until your lips found mine in that muddy water.
I've never kissed a bottle until the day you left me drawing within one.
I've never kissed you with a lie, yet you kissed me with the lie "I love you"

Never have I ever been kissed by death.
Time to take a shot
Because my biggest adventure
Is when I flirt with my untimely demise.

Never have I known three humans
That believe as deeply as I
Until one day I stepped inside
And found a world anew.

These three women are strong within their faith
And can push me along the lines
Between life, death, and treading upon
the other world and beyond

My poetry stopped being beautiful when you left me
It became a cold reminder of what used to be
Everything turned black and grey and everything bright withered.

And suddenly the colors started to bleed back into the frames of my mind when you showed up and I didnt know why

But the simple fact is that you put the sun in my sky and the moon in my night.

The ones who give us the most trouble
And stick through all your *******
Just might be the one who will call you their queen one day
And your daughter their princess

Once, I knew what I wanted, and it was you.
Now, you left and handed back my heart
But what you didn't notice
Was that I slipped it in your back pocket
When you walked away from me

I’ve never been kissed in the rain, and I didnt understand the hype.
That is, until you threw me in the river and helped me down a bottle of Jack with the rainwater on your lips.
You gave me an eternity
In 8 months
And I thank you

You never told me goodbye.
I waited by the phone for hours upon hours
Waiting for just a simple word.
I wouldn't have cared if you said it,
In writing or in voice
But the fact you didn't speak at all
Makes me so weak
I cannot face reality

All I know is that I'll find you again
Whether it be at the bottom of a bottle
Or inside my own head
I'll cry for you
Until I'm dead

I never thought you'd treat me like I'm nothing.
Even when my sharp mouth would fire off, at least I'd always speak to you.
I've never ignored you for days on end and never once did I question you.
Now, I don't know how you feel.
I don't know where you are or what you're doing
I don't know who your with or who you're thinking about
And my god do I miss you and every inch of you
All I can think about is the spaces between your fingers which my hand fit perfectly.
The rhythm of our bodies in the night.
The way you would look at me,
You'd melt me with a glance and now,
I'm crying over you
And I miss you
Please
Come back to me

She's like broken glass,
Shattered all across the living room rug,
And a smell of whiskey on her edges,
And stained on the floor.
She's in pieces and she can't really explain who's fault it is
Or whose broken her this time.
She'll wait for the next person to try to heal her,
Take the glue to her pieces and place something wrong and she'll lash out.
Her body was made of glass,
You could see right through her.
Every lie was followed by another drink,
Another shot,
Another sip
She'd continue to fill her cup until she overflowed and broke even more
But she'll try to mend her heart and body to no avail.
She'll never let them know who hurt her.
Because she was the one
Who trusted
Too much

Ode to the girl working 5pm-5am trying to earnot her living.
Ode to the girl who cares for a small cat in a dreary room that cost almost $300 a month to live in.
Ode to the girl who works herself dead, where her workplace is home and her body is rejecting food because sheshe too poor to eat now.

Yes, if you haven't gotten the message by now, it's about me.
For working so hard and being all I can be, I certainly don't give myself much credit.
I work over 55 hours a week, sometimes I get up into the 60s.
Yeah, I'll complain I'm tired or that I wanna go home.
But do you see me missing my shift?
I worked my *** off and got a promotion and all my family thinks is that it's not nearly good enough, because I work at Dominos.

So this is for me.
This is for me staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning just to get up at 10am to play with my cat and feed her.
Staying up again until 5am the next morning, continuously only running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep.
I get less sleep than a college student.
And for once
I'm gonna tell myself good job
Because I live on my own, I pay my own bills.
I just bought my own car and I just might get a second job
All this for myself,
And ****

I'm so proud

If I die young, don't let my family put me in a church or place they deem holy, for its not holy to me.

If I die young, lay me down by the roots of an old oak tree.
Let the wind blows my hair and caress my cold skin

If I die young, take care of her.
Take care of the girl I taught like a daughter and loved like a sister
Teach her everything is okay and that I was once ashes and I will be ashes once more.
Tell her I loved her and give her all my possessions
Teach her that I will be okay and I will watch over her as she grows up strong and wise like I taught her.

If I die young, take care of  my children.
The ones who fight against their monsters with battle axes and confidence that I'll be proud of them
Tell them I died fighting just as they are now
And tell them never to give up because I'm still so proud.

If I die young, burn me with the logs of trees long dead
Let my ashes spread through the sky and fall like fresh snow
Make sure to give everyone my best.

If I die young, please
Please don't forget about me

Well, we had a good run
And alls fun and games until someone falls
But what you dont realize is that you made me fall for you
And thats not the kind of love i wanted for myself

Because if one FALLS one can GET BACK UP
so if I have FALLEN in love with you chances are I'll just STAND back up and keep walking.

So gather your things, my darling
And I'll help you out the door
And the last few words I'll speak to you will be
"I don't love you anymore"

Because I'm done falling and I just wish to stand
I'm kneeling now and they're giving me their hand
They're helping me up instead of bringing me down
And now I'll say goodbye
Because this is the last time you'll see me cry

How does one go on after a suicide?
How does one continue knowing someone they loved wanted to end their life?
How can someone  stand there and lie while they lay in their coffin:
"I will miss her"
When you never knew her to begin with?

What was her favorite coffee creamer?
How well did she sleep at night?
Who was her first love?
Who was her last heartbreak?
How many bones has she broken?
How many tears did she cry over him?

See, you didn't know her. So why would you cry at the sound of her suicide?
You didn't know her like I did.

Her favorite coffee creamer was peppermint mocha.
She never slept at night.
Her first love was the one she wanted.
Her last heartbreak was the one she craved.
She had broken no bones.
She cried enough to fill the ocean over him.

See, I knew her.
You?
You pretended to for the sympathy.

What does one do when they have no inspiration?
How does an artist stay an artist without a muse?
How does one lonely poet write her most beautiful piece yet without the heartbreak driving her nails?

How can a beauty stand alone,
No lover or wondering eye,
How can she love herself when no one is around to hold her up,
When she tears herself down?

When does inspiration strike?
Is it holding your lovers hand or avenging your fallen warrior?
Is it lying alone in a large unforgiving bed,
With the sounds of your sobs as your dying lullaby?

What is inspiration?
When does it strike?
Maybe at the end of this poem,
I'll find mine.

Once I show you the scars on my wrists,
Can I trust you with the wounds on my heart?
Once you see who I was,
Can you handle the person I will become?
Once you hold me in your arms,
Can you ever bare lay a hand on me?
Once you hear me cry,
Could you bare to be the reason for my tears?
Once you see me broken,
Could you piece me back together?

Just hold on baby girl
Your time will come soon
When you will enter Summerland
With those who truly love you
You'll frolic amongst the flowers and dance with in the rain
And that is when you'll see
You'll be whole again

Once, I told you goodbye.
It was bitter and **** and my mind would race
My heart would cry and try to keep pace
But every time i opened my eyes,
They would water and my soul would die.
I smoked a cigarette in memory of you,
Drank a bottle of ***** and ran away from it all through
Thick and thin I would still stay
But then I remembered I pushed you away

Once, I told you goodbye.
I cried and cried once I woke
Sobering me up was certainly no joke
And once my eyes rested on pictures of his smile
My heart couldn't help but palpitate for a while

I know it's my fault and I know I shouldn't cry
But I'm sorry he was my everything
And I just let it die.

It's good for the bones to go somewhere new
Where the flowers don't greet you and you know no one around you.
Sometimes it's good to know where you stand
With the Gods, Goddesses, and the sand.

Moving on can be hard or it can be much fun
Depending on who's around you
You could be the one
Standing on mountain tops or shouting from the roof
Movement is good for the soul, if you would.

Just Remember youll never see the side of me that's broken
I can promise you right now with my hands on your form of the Bible that you'll only hear of it
You'll see it in my texts or hear it in my voice
If you get lucky you'll be able to read my body language and listen hard enough to the screaming within my brain and figure out I'm in distress
But other than this I'll never let you see ime broken
I'll ask for a favor I've never cashed in because I always want nothing know return
I'll ask you to pray to your God or goddess that keeps you well in mind and ask of them to watch over me
I'll ask you to give me the space to breathe and gather my thoughts before I make a major decision
I'll begin and plead for your forgiveness once that decision has been made because
I know it was the wrong one

Just remember you'll never see me broken
But you'll always hear about it
You'll hear about the scars on my wrists or the pains in my thoughts
You'll hear about the throbbing behind my eyes and the spot where between my brow wrinkles because suddenly, it's not because of a smile
Its because of tears
Just remember you'll never see me broken
Unless you walk in on me because I forgot to lock the door
Then maybe
You'll hear what my heart and head are screaming to say

We look up at the stars and think they're beautiful
But the tragic truth is that most of the stars in the sky are already dead
I guess that's why we leave flowers on headstones
Because somewhere in our history, death has become beautiful

Hello?
Can you hear me?
I've been locked inside my head so long I can just barely whisper
That you've hurt me, broken me
That my wounds have been reopened by just the sound of your name
Whispered on the wisps of wind on my lips because they miss forming those letters

Hello?
Are you listening?
Are you checking your phone hoping you have a missed call from me
A voice-mail you can listen to over and over because you know I'll always leave one so you can hear the hole in my lungs where your name used to rest

Hello?
Do you even care?
Have you even thought of me or even asked how I was doing
We ended so abruptly that the scars on my wrists have been torn open and someone in your family rubbed salt into them so deep they just continues to ache
Ache for you to clean them and nurse them like you used to

Hello?
Can you see me?
Can you see me on the road going on without you
Can you see me getting stronger and learning to be my own person again
Because you stole the very thing that made me who I was
My soul

Hello?
Is this you?
Is this the monster you have turned into or the shell of who you used to be
Its okay none of it matters anyway, I just need you to know
You still mean nothing to me

Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

The future is a lie put in place by people who want to see us waste our time worrying about it

Mirrors will always tell you a harsh truth
Unless you're so broken inside that you make it worse in yourself

you know how at night
within the confounds of four walls and endless darkness
you find yourself making things up?
I do.
1) My father loves me.
2) I don't care what people think.
3) I hate you.
heh, yeah you see it too, right?
there's a list of three and none are true.
now if only I can figure out
how to not lie
And hate you

Cigarette smoke burns my throat
And the alcohol numbs my blood
but when I pick my razor up
I start slicing till I'm gone.
And when I'm tired
And when I'm done
I won't feel
A single one

I once knew a man, he was married to a poet.
He would complain she never remembered to visit her mother.
She never remembered his allergies or his favorite color.
She never remembered to pay the phone bill or to wash her clothes.
She never remembered to take her medicine or take a shower.
She never remembered to take the trash out or to go grocery shopping.

But he got sentimental and told me what she always remembered.

"She always remembered," he said, " what we did in our first date.
She remembers my favorite cologne and what type of detergent irritates my skin.
She remembers when I tell her I love her.
She never forgets to tell it back.
She never forgets to love everyone she meets, greets everyone with a smile and enthusiastic wave.
I guess she can't remember little things like my favorite color or what time she has to go to work.
But she always remembers the important things
And I guess that's all I could really ask for."

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary.
I bet you thought I forgot, huh?
Well darling it's hard to forget someone
That has given me so much to remember
And I'm not talking about the good times.
I've been dreading today for days
I've been cying and screaming out your name and
I'm pretty sure my neighbors are tired of all my noise.
Trying to drown out my sorrows with chocolate and obnoxiously loud sad country songs but
I can't help but isolate myself,
Because since you arent here to do it for me,
I have to do it myself.
I've been a wreck the last week and a half
Crying on your birthday and even more as the days passed.
I've never been one to pine over a man,
But a man wouldn't have done me like that.
So after all we've been through
And all the tears I've cried,
I think I'm truly starting to get over you.
My depression took a vacation and I was finally able to get out of bed
I thought for a moment all the things you ever said
That "our love would last forever"
I guess forever never lasted long anyway
Because we went a year and 8 months before I decided to run away.

At first I didnt notice the date.
And when I did it was all but too late.
I cleaned my room for the first time since I moved,
I washed my sheets because somehow they've started to smell like you
I cleaned off my kitchen counters and sprayed fabreeze into the air.
I washed all my ***** dishes
I did two weeks of piled laundry
I took to the floor with a broom and a mop.
I sat and read for the first time in ages
I did all of these things and didn't cry today.
And I guess I'm truely getting over you
Because yesterday would have been our 2 year anniversary
And not once did I think of you.

You can't expect me to just be okay.
Even when you twist my arms
My mind won't bend that way.

There's a train departing at 1am.
It's not the normal trains who's wheels squeal on tracks or whistles blow and wheels screech to avoid crashes
The train I'm talking about is my train of thought.
Normally everything is linear.
Everything is fine and I over think every once in a while
But every once in a while, around 1am
My disaster train leaves and I can't rein it in
Here come the insecuties and old heart breaks
Angry old rants and sadistic new views
It's all jumbled mess and it comes with feness
And crashes through the walls of my mind like-well a freight train.
There's a train leaving at 1am.
We know where it goes and what hops aboard.
Let's just try and close those eyes
Before your up late enough to hear the wistle blow.

I feel as if my poetry isn't mine anymore.
Every other stanza I spit out reminds me of the one that broke me, or glorifies the one who found me but,
Im still at a loss of how to find myself between the small spaces in my pages.
I can never keep my head ******* on straight enough to stop worrrying about one or the other
I can't just keep focused on my goal, there has to be something else, something bigger, waiting to be messed with when I get home.
Some kind of sectioned off drama or project to occupy my terrified mind and strangled heart.
But my projects either don't last long enough for me to find a new one
Or last too long and I simply get bored and throw it away.
See, that's why I can't have nice things.
Because either I'm to fragile to take care of the broken or too bulletproof to be sympathetic
And I can't help but smoke cigarette after cigarette wondering what would come next.
Which project will help me slip between the cracks again?
Which one can be the most self destructive without activly hurting myself or others?
I guess that too, has been lost in the spaces.

There comes a point when my insomnia and depression play with one another.
It's a moment where I lay in the darkness and contemplate and wait for sleep that never comes
I'll sit and wait and close my eyes in attempts to dream
But my efforts bare no fruit, so I abort them.
Just like how I aborted you.
Our relationship was toxic and so we're we to each other
It was a matter of time before it pulled me under
But now I'm paralyzed at the thought of you
And our supposed to be 2 year anniversary leaves me sad and feeling lonely
Though I'm not. He's an hour away
I need him to keep you away
You've interupted my thought process and I can't help but notice
How you've manipulated my body into wanting you.
But my brain and heart know better and they stay away
They put up their walls and nothing will ever escape.
That is until the time I see you again
And I feel like crying because you're no longer my friend
But that's okay, time heals all wounds
Well youd think but, I'm not amused.
So I'll just lay here crying and wondering what to do
And asking myself how
The **** can I get over you?

I'm sorry my darling
I think you're confused
You're not the **** that's attached to my shoes
For that is me and me alone
I get it I do
Don't worry I hate me too
I'm an idiot an *******
you name it I am
Not beautiful or sweet
Hell I'm not complete
Something inside me hurts and I can't stop it
Its beating like a drum and taking off like a rocket
I can't explain what's happening to me
I feel as if a runaway train caught up and
Decided its time for me to die
But I won't die until I see your smile
I'm sorry I broke it
Stick around a while
Not for me of course not
I'm the dust on your boot
The cap on your dash
I'm sorry this happened in the fashion it did
I'm lost I'm scared there's something within
Someone help me I've fallen again
Save me before I do something drastic.

Give me your happiness, so I may increase it tenfold.
Give me your limits, so I can help push you past them and become stronger.
Give me your phone so when the enemy rings I can hang up and block them so you don’t have to.
Give me the nights where we just danced in the street to our favorite song.
Give me the mornings where I wake up before you just to see you so peaceful in your slumber.
Give me the sight of you taking off your makeup.
Give me the sight of your blue eyes in the pale moonlight.
Give me the love I know you have, but you won’t let anyone see.
Give me the 3am thoughts you can barely speak.
Give me your demons so they can play with mine and leave you alone for a night or two.
Give me your lungs so I can help them breathe.
Give me your mind so I can soothe your troubles.
Give me your hard nights and roughest times.
Give me your aching heart and let me repair it the only way I know how.
Give me the ability to give you my heart, because no one else has even bothered to try.
Give me your body to place on a thrown, because my darling that’s where someone like you belongs.

You never loved me
You were a selfish chain smoker
And I was simply
Just another pack of cigarettes

You were never
Anything more to me
Than a cigarette break
Chased by a shot of cheap whiskey

It wasn't until I heard him laugh
That I felt like a normal girl.
And for the first time in maybe my whole life
I found something to stick around forever for

My body is not my own.
My body belongs to my mother.
Because every time I got a new tattoo I would ask if she likes it.
And if course, she would say no
And I would be upset because I actually liked it.
But now I have snakebites.
Two small holes below my lower lip
And I'm absolutely terrified
Of her finding out.

Ive never understood why I think the way I do.
It wasn't until I opened up about it that my friend gave me clarity.
It wasn't until the words "existencial crisis" left her lips
That I understood these sudden feelings of why I was alive.
Why I do things I do.
Why I think what I think.
Why I think of every question in the world at one particular moment.
So I guess I have an extended crisis
Because I'm never not thinking the question
"Why?"

Love me, hate me, bleed me dry.
Kiss me, touch me, make me believe
In happy endings and meant-to-bes.
Push me, pull me, **** me softly.
Make me sober, make me salty.
Make me miss you, make me love you
Until there's nothing left
But endless packs of half-smoked cigarettes
And bottomless bottles of Hennesy on my lips.

Who am I?
What have I done?
I don't understand this skin I'm in.
The arms and legs are scarred with varying straight lines.
The torso is wide and the knees wobble when I walk.
The feet turn in and it hurts to correct.
The thighs are to big to even fit.

Who am I?
What's been happening?
I don't understand this body I'm in.
It's always sick and the skin rips too easily.
The fingernails grow way to quickly and the eyes are too big.
The freckles are uneven and there are to many pimples to count.

Who am I?
Where have I been?
I don't understand this heart and mind I'm in.
There are dark corners and shallow hallways.
Doors stay shut and I'm rather afraid.
There's an air of sadness and anxiety now,
And I don't know why I suddenly feel so alone.
There are cracks in the wall and the foundation always quivers,
Its as if it's made of glass and paper.

This body I now occupy has obviously seen rough times
This skin has obviously been cut way to many times
And this mind and heart has been shattered and put together to many times and it's missing pieces.
But I know there is a soul somewhere inside here
Trapped in a paper wall and to malnurished to move.
So until she can be found I'll nurish her mind and heart with poetry and books so she can grow big and strong.
Maybe someday she'll be strong enough to break the wall and take her place.
Back at the thrown in the heart.
Shell finally be while again.