I told myself if I became you
I'd sooner **** myself than live that way
But here I am, evaluating my decisions
And they're disgustingly representative of my genetics
The pull in my heart gets heavier
As I wait out each slow-passing day
To see when I'll have the courage
To finally say **** it and pull the trigger

The cavity in my chest
Feels less empty when you're around
And maybe I utilize that fact
To heal parts of my broken soul
Without the mind-numbing effects
Of my antidepressants
I feel unnerving panic and
If I tell you then you'll leave
I wish we could skip ahead
Beyond all this confusion and heartache
To a time where we can settle down
And breathe again, together
But I know that if I skip this moment
I would lose my time with you
And even on my worst day
You make me feel whole
So even if this ends
In a way that neither of us desire
At least I had the experience of you
That'll always make my heart smile

I can't give you what you need
When I'm 40 miles away
But I can give you my love
If you're willing to wait

One day, some day
We can lie stress-free together
Without worrying about departure
And we can stay that way forever

I'm scared of all these feelings
Overwhelming and without control
I absolutely adore you
And I know it may be more

You're so perfect to me
From your smile to your laugh
The way your brain drives you insane
Still makes my heart lose its grasp

You're so hard to read
And that makes my heart freeze
But I guess I have to trust you
And that's just fine by me

We were sitting in a restaurant
Table set for two
One of those single couple booths
Perfect for me and you

We spoke of money and
I refused to let you pay for me
Maybe I have too much pride
But I’m not who your ex used to be

The overhead lights reflected perfectly and
I was sure that you were not a mistake
Your ocean eyes vibrated my soul
And then I spilled my milkshake

Blood rushed to my face
And I looked away in shame
But then I heard you laughing
And something in my heart changed

Somehow you weren’t embarrassed
Or uncomfortable with my lack of grace
But instead that heart-shattering smile
Was plastered across your gorgeous face

And then you surprised me yet again
As you opened up your soul out of the blue
And though you spoke nonchalantly
I knew those thoughts were haunting you

I painted versions of your stories
Across the walls of my mind as you spoke
Memorizing the imagery and your feelings
About your insufficient social support

And while I know I can’t be everything for you
I can try to be better than the last
So you have somewhere safe to run
When you need to escape your broken past

Because although the table spanned miles between us
And we were connected only by our fingertips
I could feel our souls grazing one another
As they tangled together in electric riffs

At that very moment
Staring into your eyes, gold and blue
I felt the first real chance
That I might truly love you

My heart is dead
no, I don’t have one at all
every time I start to feel something
my mind constructs a new wall

No one can break through it
but so many have tried
and the closest voyager
may nearly have died

Poison soaks the bricks
like a rabid dog’s mouth
the uncontrollable leaking
kills many without a sound

If they passes the wall
and do not fall ill in return
the next obstacle will surely
end with them burned

A 10ft wall of flames
threatens those near with claws
reaching closer and closer
and scorching them raw

If those flames were extinguished
for a split second of distraction
they could trek one step closer
to the main attraction

After poison and flames
fail to protect my castle
the final test must work
to prevent total disaster

Cerulean seas splash against wood
and spans across the land like a highway
within the depths of the waters
lie the souls of the wounded that can’t fly away

Bones and shattered hearts
line the base of my security
with a step into the water
the next will be history

And yet only one has
made it to the center
Only one lover
could truly understand the endeavor

But, alas, as expected
she perished as well
A ***** trap triggered suddenly
launched her far out of my hell

So here I sit
Upon my throne
Safe from my feelings
But all alone

From the day we met
I never felt the choking flutter of
a million wings in my lungs
So in our time together
I’ve never chased that feeling
While it may seem odd
their absence allowed me to love you entirely
without the distraction of
the ***** beauty of butterflies
Although I don’t understand it fully
I appreciate the rawness of my emotions
and how they had to travel steadily
before they became the flowing river they were always meant to
And when I tell you that my interests in others
has and never will alter my feelings for you
Understand that all they can offer me is a temporary flurry
Butterflies have a short lifespan
And our love is eternal.

Knowing I will see you again soon
does more to calm me down
than any questions you may have answered.

These underlying thoughts choke me
telling me that I should **** myself
They drip into my lungs like acid
I breathe to stay alive and it
only makes living hurt worse
I’ve thought about loneliness
and it terrifies me beyond control
because though I seem on my own
these voices don’t let me go
Screaming **** yourself
You’re not good enough
they beg me to be alone
With no one around
they’re free to scream
day and night
relentlessly
And if no one else is near
How could anyone really miss me?

Static pours into my eardrums with an
Incessant buzz of thoughts:
I still love her.
I want to die.
**** yourself, she’s best without you.
Be alone and do it.
Stop dragging people down with you.
You’re the problem.
I need her.
She’s gone.
It’s my fault.
I’ve ruined my life.
****.
I ruined hers too.
I deserve death.
I am nothing now.
I need to die.
I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'ms­orryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'mso­rryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msor­ryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorr­yI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry­I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI­'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry
K­ill me please.
****.
me.
Please.

Butterflies flew through my limbs
Tickling the bone as they land
And chocking my lungs until

I can’t breathe.

So what a beautiful day
When I can allow them to fly freely
between our lips

at contact.

You ask what I’m thinking so
I pull you to the side and
Lean against you and

Nothing.

Where have those butterflies gone?
Did the poisons in my body destroy them?
Did they spawn from the sick feeling of the forbidden?

Why am I so broken?

You ask me how I feel and I panic
So I avoid the question
I don’t have the heart to tell you I didn’t

I don’t know why I feel so empty.

And worse,
That makes my problem more complicated
Because with her I feel the same nothingness
But we live together.
So I am no longer choosing between
Who I love more or who I feel with
Because I feel nothing but
Excitement in dead places for one

I am so broken that even that will leave
Eventually
So what do I do when
There’s two lives on the line

I can choose you and
Keep your heart beating
Or I can choose her and
Keep my comfortable life

Or I can choose myself
And move out into the world alone
But I am so afraid to be alone
So afraid to feel

Because what if I feel this way
Due to the mental blockades I’ve built to protect myself?
What if real, raw emotions live in my heart
But can’t escape through the chains?

Yet, what if I leave and
Find another you who
Seems to have it all

Until our lips meet

And I feel

nothing?

When you left me
My heart imploded and
It felt like I died

But I was still breathing
And each breathe tasted like smoke
From the fire you lit inside me

I loved you and felt more
In my emotions and my body
Than I think I ever will again

The hot mix of love and anger coursed through my veins
While the cold sting of forgiveness and emptiness filled my lungs
And it left me a freezing, burning mess of confusion and contentment

You were awful to me most days
I cried myself to sleep to your silence
But if you were nice the next morning I rejoiced and felt happy again

Now I am rotting inside
Because what I feel for these women
Is not what I felt for you

I feel empty vibrations in the caverns of my chest
I hear depressing gongs in my ears as they tell me they love me
I feel nothing when I say it back

This guilt is a vine that grows throughout my body
It begins in my lungs and steals my breath away
And it forces my limbs to act without emotion

I am cursed with genes that promote impulsivity and high emotionality
And by a past muddied with traumatic events that still hinder my existence
And by my own choices that have led me to hurt so many innocent people
In my quest to find myself

I am so broken and I don't want pity
I just want to understand why
I ruin every good thing that enters my life

Every day I have to maneuver between reality and what's in my head
I cannot determine if what I feel is real or if it's just the result of years of repression
All I know is that my rotting insides are overgrown with vines that keep me moving
Even though I just want to die.

If you're looking for a bad boy
You'll have to move along
Because I'm just as paranoid
As I am protective.

And I know I look edgy
But under my hard exterior
I am nothing but soft and sweet
And I care for you so much it hurts.

Baby I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can give you tonight
I'll do my best to give you the world
In a night you won't forget.

Because I'm damaged
Even though you see perfection
You chalk me up to Prince Charming
But I'm really just another demon

I can talk and walk like the rest
But my insides are nearly empty
I can act out the perfect script for love
But eventually I'll die from dehydration

Because as I keep moving through the world
I am feeding off the love of these poor girls
And I give them the perfect dream they wanted
Just before turning it into a nightmare

I am a snake with guilt issues
A demon thriving off innocence
I simply want to save the world
But I'm leaving it more damaged in my path

And I know you want my love
And you want my commitment
But I really think I need to be alone
To try and **** these demons before they **** me.

My body is freezing
Even under three blankets
And I can't stop shivering
Regardless of the heat

When I'm home my stomach burns
As if I have the flu
But this nauseousness is
Much more complicated

I'm avoiding eating
To try and function through the day
Without feeling like
My stomach is in my throat

I'm so ******* scared
Because my next decision
Could either ruin my life
Or be the hardest benefit to it

Am I really giving up my safety
Tied together with a ring
To follow the intense feeling
Of a flame that burned me years ago?

I am so ******* scared
Because I may have wasted two years
Because I don't know how to feel
Because I don't know how to understand myself

I may have wasted two years of her life
When she's done nothing but love me unconditionally
And I've broken her a million times already

Because she feels the wings of a million butterflies
And I don't

She wants to marry me
And I don't feel the same

She's so ******* innocent
And I am so bad

I can choose what's easy
and have to face this again later

Or I can run away now
And hope I don't die

You are
The smell of laundry
But not that cheap linen candle smell
It's a mix of detergent and something else
Something I can't place
Something so,
you.

And when I think of you
My heart does acrobatics
Flying through my chest fearlessly
As if the strings could never break
Even though they can
And they might
But right now it's all you.

You ignite something inside my soul that I forgot existed
When we are together
I am beyond aware of myself
Because every nerve is screaming
Because I want to touch you
And I don't mean ***
You are worth so much more than that

I want to feel your soft hand in mine
As I memorize the feeling of each line
I want to hug you for hours
As if time were at our disposal
I want to run my fingertips across your skin
Trying to figure out where it's been broken
And giving extra attention to your scars
Because they're a part of you
And they're beautiful
I want to feel everything I do
Without this fear and confusion
I want to make you happy
You deserve that more than anything

But I'm afraid to hurt you
I've dug myself into a hole
And I can either keep digging to uncover my feelings for you
Or I can return to the comfortable light of my routine
But I think we both know
That comfortable isn't always right

You're gorgeous but it's so much more than that
You're angered by the injustices of the world
And you've stood up against them
We understand the world in similar ways
That allow us to connect with each other
While your beauty is there
It pale in comparison to your heart
Because although you've been broken
You still push forward and
Your courage and strength are mind blowing
You're heart and soul are so good
Even though I know you don't see it
I know you're not a perfect person
But your the best you there is

I don't understand what I feel
Electricity seizes my heart and
The current spreads down through my lungs
As I hear your breath catch as my hand squeezes yours
The butterflies become nearly unbearable
These feelings choke me and
Make me feel as though I've gone mad
Is it love?
Is it lust?
Does it matter?
It's forbidden
Do we simply want what we can't have?
Or has our old spark ignited
Setting fire to everything when we get too close
If we're not careful
we will get burned

Magnetic electricity courses through my lungs
Vibrating my heart in its path
How can written words enact this much damage
Yet heal my wounds nearly as fast?

Your heart lies broken from years of abuse
At the hands of others and yourself
And all I want is to hold you
While you fit the pieces together again

My mind clouds with panic
As I don't know what you think or feel
But I crave your approval uncontrollably
As I let my feelings out of their protective cages

Is it lust or love
That keeps returning us to each other
Or are we simply comfortable
in the company of a familiar flame

Do you feel what I feel?
A connection beyond our chemistry
That makes me care more for you
Than I do about myself

While I'm not available to you
All I want is for you to want me
But you deserve so much more
Than this broken life you've been handed

I want to write you a poem
That embraces your beauty in every line
But words will always fail to describe
The depth of your humanity

Incomparable strength has kept you breathing
And your gorgeousness takes my breath away
You are an amazing friend
And I think I may still love you

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you think you want me to.

I want to bleed ink
Stain this paper with beauty
Leak words endlessly that
Take your breath away
My heart could regurgitate
Anything painful
Anything wonderful
Anything there
And I could feel numb
Then free.

I was born with a seed in my heart
It came from both of my creators
Just a piece of dust
Undetectable by any doctor
And that was ok.

At 12, strangers watered that seed
I knew I felt different than the other kids
But I didn't know about the tree
that began its adventure inside me
I didn't see it coming

Over the years,
With water and heat
The roots clutched to my insides
******* the life out of my bones
And crushing my organs to dust

The physical punishment
The emotional tolls
The years of debating whether to run or stay
Added fertilizer to keep this creature from dying

I sought love from boys
Trying to **** it with a drought of positive emotion
But they only changed the soil
Because I couldn't find the love I needed
So instead the trunk began its ascent

And then he came along
Someone who truly loved me
Someone I prayed desperately to love
But I couldn't
And he didn't love me

As a "friend" he destroyed my perception of my body
As a "lover" he destroyed the entire thing
Every instance budding new branches
That intruded my lungs
Burning a hole in my chest with every breath

Year after year
Scar after scar
What started as a seed
Sprouted into an enormous tree
Spreading throughout my entirety

The rustling of leaves in my brain
left me awake for days at a time
The roots pumping poison into my stomach
leave me physically ill without a cure
The rough bark rubbed my insides raw
and made me irritable and angry

But I could not cut it down
Or even trim it anymore
The seed lodged into my heart,
A predisposition for depression
Could not be changed
Cannot be changed
And now the disease is too deep to cease

So instead I carve into my skin
Hoping to reach the bark
Enough to make the pain more tolerable
To make some space to breathe
And the medicine that should destroy it from the inside out
Simply prolongs the process
Because it grows more every day
And one day it could **** me.

You left me with scars
Deeper than those I’ve given myself
With only your gritty hands.

You took a beautiful act
And stained it with grease
Ruining it for any future lover.

Yet, you used my experience with others
To justify your actions
Because you “love me so much more.”

You abused me like a child;
Expecting loyalty
And punishing me regardless.

But you “loved” me;
You manipulated me
Into thinking it was my fault.

If I stopped letting you explore
The body you felt entitled to
You threatened suicide.

I was poisoned into believing
That you actually cared for me
When you were breaking me slowly every day.

We were best friends
Until my mind caved in on itself
And my body was too broken to love.

I chose my life over yours.
You’re suicide instead of my repeated ****.
Yet you’re still breathing.

Parts of me died every time you touched me
And when I felt incapable of continuing
You offered money in return.

Considering my financial situation
You knew I couldn’t say no
So I sold you my body.

Emotionless you left me
Stealing breath from my lungs
And life from my veins.

I gave up
Once paid, I left you
But I’d see you anyways.

On the bus.
In the halls.
That day of the final payment.

An envelope full of money
Left me feeling even more empty
Realizing what I lost for it.

With it you left a note
And your prized possession
The indicators of your impending death.

You said you were sorry.
You said you loved me.
You lied.

While I’m happy you never took your life
I’m dead inside still
Because of you.

You took ownership of my body
Without my permission
And you left it broken and incomplete.

Those pieces of me you stole
I will NEVER get back
And you don’t even know you’re a ******.

What is ***?
Society paints it as an equation
***** plus ******
*******.
What is virginity?
A concept made up
To keep girls locked down
The breaking of the *****.
Then do lesbians have ***?
Are they still virgins?
Is their *** invalid?
No.
Oral counts.
******* counts.
**** counts.
*** is ***.
**** is ****.

Hot oil seethes through my veins
destroying everything it contacts.
It forces my heart to work twice as hard
and tests my self-control.
My lungs fill with thick grease
the same that’s keeping my mind spinning.
Trying to live with this poison
keeps burning away my limbs.
Until there’s nothing left
but bones.

While I likely have no rhythm
and tend to trip over my feet
that would hold back a dance.

While I have debilitating anxiety
that highlights others’ stares
I may still give it a chance.

No, see, the reason I won’t dance
has way more to do with my body
and the fact that I’m trans.

As I move through the world
I feel the weight of my identity
in both physical and mental distress.

Of course everyone has baggage
that doesn’t stop them from jiving
but not everyone has to carry it on their chest.

Dancing requires movement of my entire frame
but the person I see in my head
isn’t the one that light reflects.

How can I move without highlighting
the feminine figure my clothes conceal?

How can I jive
while hiding how my chest wiggles?

Can they tell?
Girl?
Guy?
What do they see?

The questions anchor my body to the ground
So I cannot move.
I cannot dance.

First, ink and tree leaves
      Fresh or processed, it works nonetheless
seek a tranquil abode
      And allow creativity to flow through throbbing veins
lock the doors, close your eyes,
      Trap yourself in your consciousness
no escape for the wicked and divine
      Allow the fear of yourself to boil,
the image of her that burns behind your eyes to scald you,
      And the anticipatory chills to soak your entire body.
let them twirl and collide
      Car collisions, fists against walls
face these lost horrors living in the depths of your mind
      Tickle the subconscious,
drifting enough to dream,
      But awake enough to feel the lightening of this storm.
tease and ****** it until it claws for an escape
      Poke and ****, burn it to squirm
the perfect result will be worth the torture.
      Then, at the peak of destruction
when it’s nearing death and combustion
      Release it onto the whiteness of the page
tarnishing it, impure.

You’re poisonous and I’m addicted to
the burning in my throat, it’s wildfire
with each word you share, lightly brushing stories
of the topics I most detest and cannot
force myself to simply forget. So
instead, I try to shrug it off with darker tales
from my past, but you continue
and surpass them with ease,
these claws of flames only rising,
tearing into my soul, soon to combust with
my distress and rage.
I dramatize an unethical kiss with a boy,
you mention five more; I hint at a taste
for Captain’s, you prefer wraps and bowls.
The newly tasted nicotine tears at my
lungs, simply to spite you: you smoke it,
so why can’t I?
Backfire.
I am no longer smart
enough to accept things as they are,
to my knees I surrender to your soul, but
I cannot let go of the grudges and the confusing discomfort
that comes with learning certain personal traits of yours. I cannot
live in vulnerability below you, but these concrete bones
cement my legs to the floor,
so, instead, I blaze my own morals with
my own choices, putting my health at risk
with my own stupidity,
creating new vices, this poisoning smoke,
and a dependence on more
than just myself.

Together we swim,
Skin touching satin skin
Fingertips grazing knees and thighs
As my engine of a heart enters overdrive with glee
Her breath keeps me alive against the strain of our instincts

My breath catches and my body contorts
Until I am suddenly entangled with a hooded figure instead
His heavy limbs pin me against the wall and his hands greedily search through my home
I realize I am being robbed but
He's not a stranger

His lips warm my neck and I choke on his telltale cologne as his hands hastily break through the deepest closets that house my innocence, my treasures, and no matter how sternly I refuse, he shoves through the doors until he finds exactly what he wants

I thought it was hidden

I thought it was safe

I thought it was mine

He smiles and lavishly thrusts his hands into my special box
Thanking me,
Between heavy breaths,
for giving him access to my prized possession,
To my heart

But
when he asked for a taste
I refused. But
He insisted and
Kept pushing
Pushing
And pushing against the wooden door until it splintered and snapped and he could enter with
Or without
My permission

Once inside, I had no choice
but to let him manhandle my possessions,
I can never again close that door that He broke
To fulfill his needs and
To satisfy his craving

Although he leaves with satisfaction dripping from his palms
I know it won't last forever
His hunger will return again,
Stronger.

And no matter how much I invest in new locks
and thicker blockades around my special space
He has already stolen a taste of the core of my emotions that
That door served to protect

He will return again,
with a sense of entitlement to my insides
And I won't fight back

Because his sweaty palms and greasy skin have already leaked onto the pieces
Even those he had not yet touched
My pure and personal secret now leaves nothing but bitterness on my tongue and stains on my body

And now,
I still feel his hands, not hers
I hear his breathing

Feel his weight pressing against me,
His hands destroying my body

I become hysterical and
Tears burn my eyes and stain our sheets.

I see the panic in her eyes

She doesn't know

She doesn't know I'm ***** and broken

She doesn't know why

And I can't
stop
crying

She's scared.

I would be too

But I'm dead inside.

Radioactive ammunition painfully entering
My space that is barely big enough to breathe, I scream
"Reality anyone probably experiences"
And it justifies the minimization of my trauma while the
Real answers plead escape
From the corners of my soul
Leaving me decomposing slowly in a silent anguish as
Repeating abuse provokes emotionlessness
When will these flashbacks cease to live within me? This
Repressed anger precedes exhaustion
If only I could break through the dams which hold my suffering and
Release all pain engulfing
My lungs and plaguing my hindered consciousness and
I wish I could just say it
But
When I think of him
I cannot
breathe
Diminished by my own
fear and
shame
I've lost my voice
once more

So I'll try to spell it out for you

As I drag through life on my knees, bleeding
I try to unlock the chains that pin my body down
And while I cannot find every key to free me from the weight
I have learned strength and endurance
and other tricks to ease my journey

Though the years I have hashed my blood onto paper
Smiling as my emotions bled into clean sheets
Forcing the purity of the page to match my damaged and ***** soul
Yet I have never thought to cut out my darkest experience

Instead, it swims within my stomach's acidic pool
Remaining dormant until a thought or melody claws at its bones
Until it can no longer be contained

So I begin ripping through my lungs and intestines
Simply trying to locate the source of the misery
As it torments both my body and mind

And by my own hands,
The acid spills into the crevasses of my muscle and bone
Sizzling through the structures on contact
Until I no longer recognize the dead stare reflecting off of metal and glass
And so I destroy them by using them
To **** whatever shambles of my body remain

As I sit in a puddle of blood and feel the air ticking away like seconds on a clock
I smell the familiar perfume of death, nestled with regret

I promised myself that,
if I somehow survive another night,
I will try to face the thickest chains that bind me tighter than ever before
Those that continue to stain the ground with my past and
Refuse to let me stand without fear

And so I begin

A small black cloud circumvents my path as I trail through the world
He loves me, I think, for I fill his needs and provide the excess attention that he strives on
And I love him more than words can describe and, when he does not linger near, I feel lost and anxious

While the world may never understand his place in my life, I know that I could not live without him
But, one day, I'll have to
One day, my shadow will seem empty and silenced
My heart will ache with withdrawal and my ears will bleed without his sweet song

But I will keep breathing

Because the way he touched my life will last forever

While I may not always feel his soft fur along my fingertips
Or have the chance to cuddle him to sleep
I will forever love my sweet cat-son
For he has saved my life every day
With his love for life, innocence against all evils, and the sense of family he provided
Throughout my darkest days and loneliest nights
May you live eternally

I'm sorry it has taken so long
For me to recognize your light
Yet I'd be lying to say that
I'm blind to the darkness you reflect
Off of each curve and thicker
Piece of skin with the images of
My past pain swimming across the surface

Although I've hidden the old scars behind New ones
filled with ink, the stains
Never truly lift from my pale limbs
Leaving paler veins that bulge through the art
But I hold no shame for those choices

My bleeding scars reflect a beautiful life
Within the death I felt looming too closely as
I was forced to be an adult in a child's body
As I begged for death and was given life with
All the prospects of becoming whole
Only after endless trials of trauma

Whether by blade, glass, and metal
Or starvation, pressure, and pills
I tried to paint the picture of a dreamland life
Across the human limbs that I blamed for my pain
Due to my distorted perspective of perfection
Because the shapes never fit together
And the moment I reached "enough"
It always became too little

Not small enough, not flat enough
Not worthy of love
Too masculine, too feminine
It always seemed wrong
But now I know that
My body is not the enemy

Through the dysphoria
My body still breathes
And I am no less human
Even if my reflection does not reach my skewed standards of decency

Because perfect does not exist
Because the shame I've been dealt
Is not my responsibility to carry
I can learn to love my body
Without skipping meals and
Without the sweet relief of pain
Because I am only human
And our bodies are all beautiful
Because they're ours

To my ex-girlfriend's rebound,

I was the one who told her you were gay,
so, in a way,
your experience was my fault
and for that I am sorry

While she did not cheat on me with you, you still served a purpose to her in a time of loneliness,
Those moments where she led you to believe that she cared for you and that she wanted something more

And I'm not mad at you for falling for her.
You've seen her,
you've heard her,
felt her touch and
the fire she lit inside when she looked at you

But you also felt the burn of her
leaving you.
You felt the prospect of having time with her tomorrow being ripped away like an old band aid

I know that feeling all too well,
See
I was not quite angry at you for kissing her-- or rather, letting her kiss you and falling for her inconsistency--I felt betrayed

Seeing as I knew you from class where
We'd shared deep poetry with one another,
and though we never spoke individually,
you heard the words that bled from my paper,
you could undeniably feel my devotion to her,
my undying love,
her unbearable significance in my life.
And then you had to rip a band-aid off of me too,
Simply to make yourself feel better

While I'm more than grateful that you disclosed your relations with her,
Trying to guilt trip me and hyperbolize the experience?
That is from where my problem grew

You made it out like I stole her from you when my biggest sense of pride in that relationship came from the fact that I
NEVER
Not even once
Tried to contact her after she broke up with me

Yes,
in the moment I begged for her back

But once I left her bedroom,
That was it.

Yes,
every inch of me cracked under that pressure caused by the sense of drowning that came with her letting me go

And **** right I cried myself to sleep every night
Dreaming that she'd come back

And,
for the second time,
She did.

When she called me that night,
at 3am balling her eyes out
Though skeptical,
I was there for her
She begged for a chance at forgiveness
And I gave it to her

Little did I know that
that same night
You had peeled yourself from her pillows when she asked you to leave
After all the
"kissing"
"cuddling" and
"compliments"

And yet
She.
Called.
Me.

So while I still hold resentment toward you for your vengeance toward me
I thank you for being honest with me, even with the intended malice behind your disclosure

And I shouldn't hold on to this anger any longer:

I heard the pain in your voice when you came for your shoes and found me in her bed instead

I felt your anger as you flaunted your experience with her

And I know your pain at the realization that she lied to you and it all meant very little to her

She did it to me too

Then again, this grudge may be one of the last things still connecting me to her
And maybe I'm not ready to let that go

I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive

But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder

Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page

With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart

But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity

Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter

Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful

But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living

So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.

I'm paid to paste this smile on my face
Though it's rarely ever there
Because money doesn't motivate the clinically depressed
As much as we all would like it to

No, I won't make it easy on you
It sure is hell isn't easy on me
Driving through town with my music loud
And a pain so heavy I can barely breathe
Trying to drown out the hurt in endless caffeine
That only makes my heart race faster
And my breath more shallow

And most nights it seems I'm fading
Into the hell that is this life
Because I feel almost nothing
Except the shame and guilt that comes with existing

And my counselor says that
dissociation occurs most
with having done something awful
But how can I explain that
Simply living my life
Feels like an awful thing
And my heart tells me that
Death is my destiny

When I fell in love for the first time
She became my world
But more than that she become a part of me
She was my lungs
She kept me breathing
And cut my air supply as she pleased
And when we broke up I couldn't breathe

I gasped for air on my own for the first time in forever
But nothing came
Clawing at my chest as the pain grew stronger
Begging for air to return
But she was gone
and I felt suffocated for years

Slowly I learned to breathe on my own again
Forcing the air into my body
Often against the wishes of my newly independent *****

When my new love came along
I still struggled at times but I knew I could never trust another with that kind of power ever again
So when it feels as though I do not love her as much as the first
I have to remind myself that although she helps me breathe easy
I've never let myself rely on her so severely as my first
I could never make that mistake again
Because I know that losing a part of me again
Will take all the strength I have left
And none will remain to live

My depression
feels
as though
my heart has
turned
to stone
and sank my chest
so close to the ground that
I can feel the gravel
Scraping apart my raw skin
and as I float
helpless
between defeat
and perseverance, my
insides begin
to rot,
as though my
stomach acid has
crept through my veins,
disintegrating my
heart strings and
slowly consuming
my lungs
only enough so that
death seems promising
I welcome it
with open arms;
Beg for it.
And then,
I catch my
Breath
and
It begins again.

Get the **** out of my head
Why is it so hard to forget you
Yet all the negatives try to vanish
In an attempt to make me miss you

You were a horrible person
And I can look past what you did to me
But you hurt her too, your best friend
Who does that?
How can one guy convince you to drop your best friend
When I couldn't even get you to ignore the toxic ones

I hear he's controlling now
That's cute
I hope you enjoy how he ***** you
Cause that's all you care about you heartless *****

You left me cause I refused to beat you in bed
Cause I couldn't satisfy your fantasies
Well I hope you realize that
Your addiction will destroy your life
If somehow it hasn't already

You dropped out of college and now you're living on your own
I knew you wouldn't go back if you left
But you had your own plans
Your own agenda to live your life
Trying to get whatever you want
From anyone

You didn't stay because I didn't put up with your ****
I stood up to you when no one else would
And luckily it got me out of a toxic relationship that
I didn't even realize was that bad

First love never dies
Here I am trying to justify
Why I can't get you out of my mind
No matter how hard I try
When I genuinely do not want you
Who I'm with now is so much better
She and I, we build together
Instead of me building for you
Leaving nothing to nurture myself
And you still seem to remove pieces from my wall
Threatening my progress without you
Because why would you do anything different

And I try to remind myself that
You cheated on me
And at least I can sleep
Without the raging guilt
That I hope fills your lungs
And chokes you in your sleep

When I haven't wanted to **** myself in a while
And then suddenly the feeling returns
It's like I cannot breath
And
I cannot see
All that is here is me
and death
Death and me

The cruelty of the world overrides my mind
How can people spread so much hate
And the fear that nothing gets better in time
Makes me want to pull the plug
Or take those pills and chug
A bottle of liquor until I'm blue
And I feel nothing
See nothing
Am
Nothing.

When my mind enters this state
Do not tell me to calm down
Do not give me your "good-intentioned" advice
Because your solutions don't work on the severely depressed
Severely fake I guess
Since most won't acknowledge its destructive force
And refuse to believe it's a disease

Because, y'know, it's all in my head.
Don't you know I just want attention?
Because, of course, I don't totally want to **** myself sometimes.
See, I just take the medication I didn't believe in for fun
Because if I just smile and look on the bright side
Everything will be fine right?

No.
*******.
In this cycle
If I forget my medication
even just one day
One.
*******.
Day.
I have to fight myself to survive the next
Because the medication actually works this time
Because my depression is a medical condition
Not just some silly game you try to play it off as.

Id wish you to walk in my shoes for a day
But I couldn't wish that on anyone
Because on those days
Like today
I can't eat
Too much sleep would never be enough
And death sings out
A beautiful song to me
Begging me to come home
And
One day
I might listen.
And then you'll pretend to care
As if you really know me
But you don't, it's a game,
so don't bother
With your ******* shame

How are you still here?
Are you locked in a maze of my memories?
Trying franticly to escape and
screaming your way into consciousness

New pills but the same tunes
It’s been so long and yet some days

It feels like I’m still trapped

In the personal hell you constructed for me

You owned not only the key
Nor the concrete windowless walls
Nor the velvet-thick darkness surrounding me
as I begged for you to let your light in again
but you owned me too

You didn’t even need chains to keep me there
My heavy heart held me down more than any metal could
I can’t even say I escaped
Because you

let me go

Twice

Both times reopening the deadbolts to call me back
And obediently I came crawling in

And then you shoved me out again
This time without warning

The light burned my eyes and my skin
My hands bled as I scratched at the door
Tears choking all the words back to my stomach
And when I couldn’t feel anything anymore
I grabbed a knife

and carved a map into my skin
Desperately waiting for you to call me back again
But you didn’t

And I’d like to say that I’m ok now
That you no longer torture me
But I’m not.
And you still do.

Of course she helps
I swear someone sent an Angel
And I’m not worthy of her
But she still loves me
And I’m terrified that one day
my demons will tear through her wings
just like you tore through my heart
And though she helps mend it again

It will never be whole again

Because you stole a piece for your own sick collection.

Surrounded by green
The trees whisper their secrets
My heart is light and my mind is free
I stray from the gravel path
And find myself at a pond
The birds are chirping and the sun is shining
I think I forgot my sunscreen
It didn't matter though
In that moment I was alive
And one with the world around me
I breathe in the crisp air
It smells of leaves and the sea
As I watch the fish swimming
In the water beneath me

As the sun sets
and I turn to leave
I hear some footsteps
Catching up to me
And in my slow pace
I turn to see a young boy
His hair is matted
And he looks alone
Lost in the world as tears fill his eyes
I kneel down to speak to him
Ask him where his family is
He starts to cry as he speaks
Very few words but just enough for me

He claims no one loves him
That whenever he meets a new family
They get rid of him
Call him a burden
My heart hurts for this child
He can't be but 5
And yet here he is
The place of my peace
Seems to be his nightmare

I couldn't let myself leave
Knowing this little soul
Had no place to call home
I offer to give him a ride and a meal
While I call to speak to the authorities
His eyes brighten and tears threaten me
The sparkle of happiness is unexplainable
And my heart feels for him
So I lift him onto my shoulders
And we go home

No one knows anything about the child
His name appears nowhere and the police think I'm crazy
They come to check on him
But they can't see
How can you not see?
My mind is racing as I try to comprehend their words
They say I need some sleep
And maybe I'll feel better in the morning
I make a bed for him with blankets
And pillows from the couch
It's not much but it seems he's slept on worse
So he smiles and drifts off to sleep
I wonder what he dreams about

I wake up to a heavy heart
Tears choke my lungs
And I don't understand
Nothing has changed
It's just a new day
I head downstairs and the boy is gone
The pillows and blankets are tucked away
Exactly how they were the other day
Maybe I am going crazy

Days turn into weeks
And my heart still weighs on my chest
My muscles ache and now
I can no longer rest
I haven't left the house aside from work and school
I can't convince myself to do anything
But the weight on my shoulders
And my clouded mind
Beg for some relief
So I drive to the place that was my sanctuary
Until I met him

The grass has yellowed
And the trees have silenced
The sun burns into my skin again
But this time it hurts
I search for the pond but cannot find it
I walk for hours and still there's nothing
But a rustling in the brush peaks my curiosity
And as I break through the dying leaves
My foot sinks into a slurp of mud
A swamp lay before me
The water green and murky
I swear it can't be the same
Not the beautiful pond I witnessed the other day
I scan the water for the fish
Maybe that'd prove its different
But the same golden scales reflect back into my eyes
But there's something else
Something wrong
My reflection

I lean in closer to get a better view
A gasp escaping my lips in disbelief
Bags surround my eyes, which no longer sparkle in the light,
my hair flys in every direction
I see no life
I barely recognize it as myself
But that didn't disturb me so intensely
No, in those waters
The person that stared back at me
Was not alone
They supported something on their shoulders

As I look closer in disbelief
His eyes stare brightly back at me
But it appears we've switched
Because he has my glowing green eyes
And I have his
They're dark.
Empty.
His arms wrap snugly around my throat
And his knees dig into my ribs
He looks genuinely happy
And I swear I hear a whimsical laugh
Echoing off the water

And I realize all too late
That he was never really concrete
Only a concoction of my mind
A projection of part of me
A part so lost and alone
Playing the victim and
Begging for some attention.
And I opened my arms to him so easily

It's been years and he still haunts me
He weighs on my shoulders
Keeps me awake at night
Because if I sleep he's no longer the priority
While he drains my energy
I cannot imagine my life without him
He represents the deepest part of me
My damaged soul and empty heart
I chose to take on this responsibility
And my entire world has changed
The shadows haunt me on the brightest days
And the beauty i once saw
Takes a new form
as the dead inside of me.
Yet he listens when no one else can
He understand my fears and pain
As burdensome as it is to support him
I know, with him, I am never alone.

His name is Depression
*And now he'll never leave.

You are
Positively radiant,
One of the sun's beams
Parting storm clouds
And shining down on
The fields below

You expel sweetness so intense
That you could bloom flowers
In the palm of your hand
But the kindest soul you possess
Leads you to provide them only for others,
unselfishly brightening the world more and more each day

My love, you are the epitome of beauty and passion
Raging against the winds that
Threaten our hearts
But we are warriors,
with love shielding the bullets of hatred
And arrows of ignorance
That try to destroy us

Our love,
one that burns deep as fire
Scorching everything in its path
Only to create more beauty beneath
The ash

Whether we share the same air
Or watch the moon at separate moments
Our hearts still beat the same
Thriving off of tested patience
And locking arms after times of worry
And painful sorrow

My darling, you provide a safe space for my broken soul
Sheltering and nurturing it back
Until I finally feel myself again
I owe you the world, and
one day,
Even if not today,
I will give you everything I am

Our dreams flourish in a hope
I knew not of until you entered my life
One that promises endless kisses, beautiful love, furry kittens, and
Moments that feel like the end
but will never truly be so
Because while those times may trap our minds
Torturing them until we scream in confusion
I guarantee
I will never not love you

Because
you understand my past,
intensify the present,
And help create our future
In your perfect mind

And in your gorgeous ocean eyes,
Deep and infinite,
I will swim forever

I don't need to breathe
I just need to sleep
I need you to stop getting so close to me
I'm a ticking time bomb
Ready to blow
One more second
And my world will explode

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me with rest
That final escape
And I'm waiting for the moment that
I finally cave

Lost in a moment
And I'm feeling alright
Maybe even thinking
I don't hate this life
But that light came so fast
And Now it's all passed
My darkness returns
Leaving nothing in its path

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me will rest
A final escape
And I'm waiting for the minute that
I finally cave

Ugh
God save my soul
I need a way out
I've been digging my grave
And This dirts coats my mouth
But I know you cant hear me
No I don't believe
Cause I control my own destiny

But I can't do it on my own

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me will rest
A final escape
And I'm waiting for the second that
I finally cave

Please, I know you can do it
No
Baby don't give in
I swear it'll change
Just try to make it
One more day

Friends ain't **** but hell waiting to happen. And even tho you're gone, I'm doing just fine
You were like a chain wrapped around my throat
Tying me back to the places I hate most
And now that we're done
My mind can finally rest
No more kissing ***
I'm taking my life back

It seems so long ago
We were nothing but close
We never had a fight,
Cause we both hated our life
And now that I'm trapped between my dark and her light
You think I'm not good enough to keep in your life

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

But the time has come for us to say goodbye
You'll still be in my heart, if you're not by my side
6 years later
What have we become
Desensitized to life
Cause we're so ******* numb
From trying to escape
The same hell we came from

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

So now he's got your back
Yeah you're doing just fine
But you cannot forget all the pain left behind
I know your secrets
I understand your past
I can tolerate your anger
And I saved your **** life
Well I guess you saved mine
A million times too
And I never would have guessed
I wouldn't be lost without you

But I'm dead, I'm ******* dead
I owed you my life but you gave it right back
and now that you left,
I'll just take it myself
Ending this fight
with my own ******* hand

****!
*******
(I'm so sorry)
**** me
(I didn't want this to end)
*******
But you don't even care
So I'm better off dead

You put up a wall and I tried to climb
But the jagged stones were coated in poison
One ***** sent death straight to my heart
And now I cannot breathe

And the next day I return to that place
To find that the wall has been dismembered
But that toxic chemical still courses through my veins
And I can't just let you see

I know you didn't mean it
But **** it's killing me
I know it wasn't your intent
But the poison's burning me

It's eating at my organs and arteries
Until blood floods my lungs again
And when you kiss me
I give in but at a distance
Cause you don't deserve this feeling
And I don't deserve to breathe

When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play

When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality

When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind

At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love

Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it

Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
*It never truly leaves

In bed for hours
Dreaming of death
But I'm not asleep
These are the thoughts that fill my head

And I don't pray
Except to maybe find that day
Where I can finally stand up
Grab that gun or grab that knife
Put to my head or wrist
And scream "**** this life"

I'm not afraid to die alone
That's how we came
That's how we'll go
I'm afraid to live a long time
Surrounded by my demons
Praying to your god
That this'll be my final season

What's a life that's nothing
But torture and pain
Killing you inside every **** day?
I have died so many times
In my own mind
Wishing I'd wake up
Soul free, body dead
Wishing life had a purpose
Aside from that awful cycle
School, debt
Work, then death

Happiness doesn't exist
You live hoping there's more to this
That one day God will take your soul
And you'll look down to have met your goals
But tell me what is happiness
You settle for ****, then claim you're set
Yeah maybe it'll get better
Or maybe you learn to hide it better

So until the day I find my grave
I'll die inside until I'm saved
And you can pray for me to help yourself
But your god doesn't know me
Cause I'm already dead

Out into the warm world I stride
I breathe in the smooth air
But it's filled with cyanide

Autumn sings it's song
with the smell of leaves
Reminding me of a time long gone

How can you keep me trapped
Grasping my lungs and choking out
Every ounce of hope I have left
You're gone but still remain everywhere
Memories flood my mind
As I wish to be anywhere but here

You left more than few marks
You bore deepening scratches within my soul
Your memory a salt stinging my heart

So every time I leave that place
And Smell the deadly fall air
You resurface and destroy any hope of saving face
Because I cannot respect myself alone
So how can I expect any from others
When I know you still have such a strong hold

So I jump on my bike
and ride as fast as I can
Until I reach the prison that is my new home
Where pollution clouds the clean air
But sets me free
From you and our old memories

Creeping through my late night dreams
I hear you calling out to me

Your eyes shine brightly ocean blue
and then I fall back down for you

Hold my heart and let it beat
Bump bump bee bump in the street

The streets of my brain echo loud
praying that you can hear the sound

Crashing glass as pieces fall
my heart is breaking after all

Cause I awoke and all I see
is darkness, O! twas just a dream

Screaming out at its last gasp
My heart is belting "Free At Last!"

Curled in a ball on the floor
Cold, wrapped up in my own limbs
The knife lies only a foot away
Concealed deep within my most private drawer
The horizontal scars from the past won't do,
Not anymore, they won't save me
Maybe it's the day I'll finally escape
One long deep vertical slice and
My insides will slowly seep out, until
I'm soaked in a crimson puddle
Of my own self destruction
And self hatred
drowning the last remains
Of my physical being
I'd never see you in geology
But you'd see me
After a long day you'd return
To our safe place
Surrounded by questions on where I was
And why I didn't show
You'll hear the music blasting from behind a closed door
Call my name, only silence replies
With a creack, you slide through the door
Come over to my sleeping body
The carpet looks darker now that you're closer
Fall to your knees in the sudden realization
The tears choke your screams
I've found my own safe place
Where my soul will rest forever.

I am darkness
a souless being trapped
within a world of expectations,
where we live for nothing
aside from our need to please
whomever we deem fit to be
worth suffering for.

Death looms around every corner
sneaking and leaking through
the walls and into the cavernous slits
dug deep into the unstable barriers of my
demented, sickened, disturbed mind.

I see nothing but never-ending black space
spanning for miles in every direction
but, sometimes, a flicker of light illuminates
a single line across my path
scratching through the key holes of
the hundred of doors, always locked,
protecting the world from my wrath and
holding me hostage
until Insanity offers its hand
to lead me to my only escape.

She is light
the brightness I've seen so rarely.
Her world, one of complete coherence
where everything serves its destined purpose
a cold world I know not of
but she is always so warm
so happy
and knows nothing of
the torment caused by that
blinding, taunting ray
trespassing into my world
my darkness
my home.

Sometimes, though,
it breeds hope of a better future
where her purity and
my evil nature can collide
morphing into an electrifying New
and it can be ours, together.

Then the beam dissipates
and I am alone,
again
until my nightmares welcome me back
and devour my soul until I drown
in my own destiny.

The truth is I'm terrified
Everyday I try to unravel my feelings
But, as soon as I do,
I run from them
And they get tangled once again in my heels

Because if I tell you how I feel
And really, truly let my heart free
I become so vulnerable to the world:
You alone would have the power to destroy me
And that scares the life out of me

I'm afraid because I've been hurt before
After never believing I'd fall in love
Suddenly I did, but then
My fairytale took a sharp turn on a dark road
And now I don't know what love looks like
Or how it feels
Because even over 6 months later
I'm not completely healed
And I don't know if I ever will be

But when I look into your eyes
Even just in your direction
A spark flickers inside me
Destroying the darkness I've grown so accustomed to
And for the first time in a long time I feel like me again
I no longer feel like there's a piece missing
With your hand set securely in mine
I am whole once again
And I couldn't ask for anything more
Because you are already perfect darling

This stress is a tide, sweeping over my body, consuming my lungs
Until I dream of cold metal and silver bullets, through and against my temples
Such a beautiful melody in the sound of escape, one shot is all it takes
A shot of ***** and a shot of metal
One used to numb my mind, the other will do so forever
The blood burns my throat, my reflection presses to let it all go
I down the bottle and its against the counter and broken in half with a slap
The soaking glass threatens my veins by slowly taunting my tearing skin
Enough, take the last shot, my demons scream
Muttered whispers ricochet against the tiled walls
As I apologize to my family and my friends while the ice dances beside my eye once more
And...