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Jun 2017
To my ex-girlfriend's rebound,

I was the one who told her you were gay,
so, in a way,
your experience was my fault
and for that I am sorry

While she did not cheat on me with you, you still served a purpose to her in a time of loneliness,
Those moments where she led you to believe that she cared for you and that she wanted something more

And I'm not mad at you for falling for her.
You've seen her,
you've heard her,
felt her touch and
the fire she lit inside when she looked at you

But you also felt the burn of her
leaving you.
You felt the prospect of having time with her tomorrow being ripped away like an old band aid

I know that feeling all too well,
See
I was not quite angry at you for kissing her-- or rather, letting her kiss you and falling for her inconsistency--I felt betrayed

Seeing as I knew you from class where
We'd shared deep poetry with one another,
and though we never spoke individually,
you heard the words that bled from my paper,
you could undeniably feel my devotion to her,
my undying love,
her unbearable significance in my life.
And then you had to rip a band-aid off of me too,
Simply to make yourself feel better

While I'm more than grateful that you disclosed your relations with her,
Trying to guilt trip me and hyperbolize the experience?
That is from where my problem grew

You made it out like I stole her from you when my biggest sense of pride in that relationship came from the fact that I
NEVER
Not even once
Tried to contact her after she broke up with me

Yes,
in the moment I begged for her back

But once I left her bedroom,
That was it.

Yes,
every inch of me cracked under that pressure caused by the sense of drowning that came with her letting me go

And **** right I cried myself to sleep every night
Dreaming that she'd come back

And,
for the second time,
She did.

When she called me that night,
at 3am balling her eyes out
Though skeptical,
I was there for her
She begged for a chance at forgiveness
And I gave it to her

Little did I know that
that same night
You had peeled yourself from her pillows when she asked you to leave
After all the
"kissing"
"cuddling" and
"compliments"

And yet
She.
Called.
Me.

So while I still hold resentment toward you for your vengeance toward me
I thank you for being honest with me, even with the intended malice behind your disclosure

And I shouldn't hold on to this anger any longer:

I heard the pain in your voice when you came for your shoes and found me in her bed instead

I felt your anger as you flaunted your experience with her

And I know your pain at the realization that she lied to you and it all meant very little to her

She did it to me too

Then again, this grudge may be one of the last things still connecting me to her
And maybe I'm not ready to let that go
While writing this I realized that my not seeking her back after she left me may have been an indicator that part of me didn't want her back. She was an extremely toxic person and, while that relationship taught me lessons of love, both good and bad, I can't deny how much it damaged me.
Carter Ginter
Written by
Carter Ginter  23/Trans/Wisconsin
(23/Trans/Wisconsin)   
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