red streams
down a hide of vulnerability
exposed, dumped into the cold
eyes wide with a blurred hold
of my new found surroundings
i kick, i go deeper
the sunlight only weakens
i sink past each shade
of blue in my face
no choice do I have
but to swim with the fishes
a daunting position
due to my last name...

There you sit
alone again
as I make my way over

Reaching out
to a cold touch
I've only known as familiar

My normal response
as I retract is
my heart isn't made
for you lover

Yet here I sit
With you again
Like I don't know any better

Won't you some day
Want to fuel the fire
Not drown me in ice surfaced water

Or will you watch as I fade
in your dark isolated space

Glued shut lids
Mouth sealed tight
Key locked in your heart
Don't show yourself

Made all the mistakes
Bounded to those times

Still life in disguised
to blend until some time has passed

Leaving the past
Like a faded memory
that echoes in and out of my ears

Thoughts of you leaves echoes...

Listen,
I want to say that
I want much more from you
I say this because
I want control
I think if you change who you are
I can accomplish this easier
I see you sitting there eager with your mouth parted
I know you have things you want to express
Listening drops the I in this conversation
I rather you not talk

Espy
a secret
Buried in eagerness
          Acting different
          It read out loud
To an exact feeling
Uneasy to miss
          Nesting there
          Something small
Finally became big

Branching out
Untouchable height
          It seeks no limit

Or consequence
Of prepping for a glimpse
          Desired by
Ignorance

          Staining red
          Conflicted doom
          Upon old experience
          Fully aware of the oblivious
Old trick

Another soul
    has lost their way
With all the hands
   who tried to help
What is left

     only regrets

Erie day
  Can not change
Yesterday
   and now this

Reoccurring Sting

I want to break free
I want to break free
If not this time
When
I can't keep playing
in this head spin
You created these small punctures
that let the steam out ever so slightly
I never thought this love would
be so dominating
As I stand
taking it all in
Theses jabs
are twisting in my guts
and I choose not to cry
Instead, I stand
taking it all in
Wanting to break free
Unable to let you loose
Because you want me

It is a sad twist of faith
To be here in this place
Looking at pieces
That belonged to you

A weird feeling
as the moon is full
On the same day you had
made the walk down the road
                       ~Feeling the energy makes me want to cry~


As I think,

                            "What if I had been here on that day"

...Many weeks ago

Admiring the hard work
With what you had built with your time

I would of said

What my heart truly thinks

What an amazing job
You did


                                                           ­      Instead, letting time slip away
                                                                ­                             And I am here
                                                                ­       staring at the scatter pieces
                                                                ­                you had left to no one



Filling myself up with the mistakes
I should of changed
to had helped you

When time says good bye
All is lost
Forever

It's been awhile
Since I've expressed
What truly weighs
Down on my chest
Many years  
to have to recollect  
because
When you left
Memories arise
Thinking I found you
In these haunting times
Yet you are still only a ghost
That feels so real to me

With days passing
In a blink of an eye
I wonder if you would of changed your mind
Now seeing from the other side
How we all felt about your leaving

It hurts
Man does it hurt
It hurts
To see you go

Trying to smile
Yes, we have to smile
Through tears
you have left us in

Cold cripst of the first
Unveiled the perfect day
Of a salty breeze teasing my senses
Glittering bouncing off
a blanket of mas blue
Speaking only occurs around me
I listen to the birds
For their wings spread for the heat  
My body lays admiring the same sun
What a day to be alive

Now that
You are
Gone
We wish
You chose
To stay
Here

Of games
Scary games
In and out as it please
Tease
Hearing things
Making its presence near
Should we be fearful of the strength it can't
Hurt with
I feel its grip
Move along with it
Drifting into
The phantom's pull

The day after
When the tears have all come out
The nearest sting
Lingers on with the pain
of mourning
Our minds race
as we allow time
to heal the disclosure
of how you left
Letting you go on
That was your own
request
Nothing can change
what you did
the day before

In these few days
Nothing feels right
Emptiness you had felt
revealed itself that night
Our unanswered questions
Starting with no good byes
Was unclear for us to realize
That we didn't see the signs
Slowly, the truth unfolds
to the pain you had felt
It trickles into our hearts
What more could we had done

If only you had said...
yet you did...
It was so settle...
Maybe you found the answers you needed
I just wish you would of shared it
Cause here we all are now
With no answers
In this time of healing


Please know,
that we Love You
Please know,
that we all would of helped
If only you had asked

This idea had no place for me
Though,
It consumed my curiosity
Showed up all at once
I wanted you so much
getting what I’ve bitten off

That feeling
Now eats me inside

I denied all of the reasons why

My perspective wore away
I just wanted to play
The game we
Have built with this time

I
am
ready
to
change
This isn’t the way for me
Inside it warns
Like it always did before
Unable to
change
your
ways…

They are all judging me
They all see I should leave
They don’t know
That I know they are right
This isn’t the place to be

“Unsafe!” I plead to you
You grasp my hands
Not letting loose
It’s been okay
For so many years
I’ve gotten use to
This abuse

I
am
ready
to
change
This isn’t the way for me
Inside it warns
Like it always did before
I am unable to
change
my
course…

Why do I feel unsafe?
In a place where love
Is supposed to comfort me
Giving you my all
I will be there with my whole heart
Yet, I feel cold
Unsatisfied with these results
It must be my fault
For my expectations
Was not to judge
This situation we are now in

You let this behavior be okay
Because you could always get away
The freedom was there
And I was waiting for you in this box
You created for me
Making me think I was safe
Sitting alone in the dark
Waiting for your return…
You don't show up
Out there, you spoil others with your presences
I try to peak
Sotto voce pulling me into the light
Grabbing your attention
Discontinuing the thought
That I could see what you do
To me

Does it hurt to know I don’t want to be like you?
Does it hurt to know I want to be like me?

It’s okay for you to walk over me
I demanded for it
I asked you to treat me in a way
You would not want
That’s why I am here
Still, all by myself
In this box you made for me
I see a different side…
Over time and I can’t help it
But my faith to you is changing
Maybe because the faith you had
Was unfaithful and never ending
So with my changed thoughts
I address to you

Does it hurt to know I don’t want to be like you?
Does it hurt to know I want to be like me?

With this new voice
I scream!

Does it hurt to know I don’t want you?
Does it hurt to know this has been me?

If everything goes
according to my mind
Everything perfect
is what I will find
If everything goes
the way that it should
Everything that is-
will not be over looked
If everything I feel
is sweet to my skin
Everything that hurts
will come to an end

This stress
I can't take
anymore
with
no doors
With no way
to escape
wood scratches
nails break
screaming
for some help
darkness finds
this a joke
the only humorous
part
I brought this
upon myself

Thoughts about you
Gone wrong
What does one do?

Goodbye to the moments

So relentless
With your gripping

Intended to hurt

Loyalty were just words

Leaving the mouth

Sewn

...loose

With cracks, revealing to everyone around

Closed eyes and numb
To what's going on
Closed eyes and numb...
Closed eyes and numb

You lend your hand out
Only a lover should take
Not wanting what you give
yet you insist, with no break
I worry about you
as you patiently wait
For what?
This desired thought...
I hoped you care enough
to finally leave
Gain some sense
in self
Figure out
what you don't need
Yet here you still are,
with both hands now out
Ready; despite of me

Nosy
Quiet
Seeker
Looking
For
Anything
You
Got
To
Tell

I told you
I'm lonely as can be
Shivering at night
needing company
I can't find
you in this house
I need comforting
Your no where to be found
Why-
why-
why can't you stay
Why can't you be the one waiting on me

Now I watch you leave
you don't look back at me
My eyes start to bleed
This heartache can't be worth it for me
I told you once,
not about to say it twice
My heart melts
Two faced- my face feels the welt
Why-
Why-
why do you leave
Why cause me pain and suffering
when it wasn't meant to be

My mouth moves in a direction
that I can't control
Twinkle in my soul
Sparks from this long time
relationship
never grows old
Although nothing more to what it is
I often have to think
If this smile keeps appearing
My feelings may start to change

Farewell again
to my favorite month
A birth of myself
and other's I love
May be the one to remember

Sad when I sing
honest to what's written
Visually seen
Easily misleading

Words from the mouth
doesn't sound so good
Words to your eyes
tell it how it is

Can't help how I feel
It is what it is
If I write it down
it beautifully holds
no judgment
When I sing the words
personally it's driven
To your heart
it cuts deep
Rather you just see the words
my mouth just can't be open

Is it that insane
that we all want the same
Talking to each other
oh how it sounds good
That you can
connect with me
and feel
what I'm feeling
deep inside
In those translations
we enter minds

A petal ready to fall
in liquid thoughts
Is it just a dream
Should I take a step at all?
To where the monsters live
Ready to show their faces
To the wondering soul
who walks alone

Something
has
come over me
Demon-
in your eyes
I see me
Wonder why
I'm there

You kept me there
for a long time
the way I find

I find
that's how you
want it

The innocence of imagery day dreams
Washing out within the days
Something precious
memory will store
When we don't act
or play like that
no more
Expression on our face
warmth had brought
A chill to our heart
because
Innocence's is gone
It's gone, it's gone, it's gone...

Stranger things
are me
Making everything
that I see
different
from you to I
We are strangers
with no true sense of time
I day dream
of stranger things
than me-
Like you

Eyes see vividly
Words spoken soft to me
Feelings react unintentionally
Lies surface from what you speak
Lingers around to fill your greed

Silent sheep sleep
Among each other in peace
Good or Evil
It'll combined us so we're equal

Good eyes lie in silence
Evil sheep-vividly surface

Believing I don't hear
Your mocking words
You keep going
I giggle
In fact
I hear every word your spewing
You keep going in song
No one else would understand
But I do,
Because I am  
Listening
To every mumble  
Uttering out
Of those beautiful lips
And it hurts
Only for me to know
You thought you would
Go unnoticed
Because I am
Listening only
To clear words
That clearly
You are not providing

A settle bit
On my lips
To take away  
To take away
The settle hint
Of pain-
In my heart
It won't go
I'm left the same once again
Alone in my head
False reality of comfort
you'd shown
-It's how you always
Left us
And I'm scared
Of being alone

Stretching far
For temptations clearly seen
Mindless as can be
Like a flower barely touching water