You have no idea
How much
Those little things
Mean to me.
A brief touch
On my forearm,
Brushing my hair
Off my face,
Starting conversations,
Adding an 'x' to your
Already wonderful words,
Nudging my leg with yours,
Putting your glasses on me,
Saying I made your day.
Sure the hugging
And the kissing
Are great.
Fantastic even.
But it's the little things
That mean so much to me.
It's the little things
That make me love you.

it creeps up on you,
slowly consuming you and all you are.
you don't notice until it's too late
and already you're drowning.
one minute you're at the top of the world,
surrounded by so much.
and then
suddenly you can't move,
burdened by the weight of all that was once beneath you.
you didn't notice them leave,
but all the people you used to love are strangers.
you have no-one.
you are no-one.

Look at that little broken girl,
The one he created.
Look at those fake smiles
And sad eyes.
She was never enough for him.
But look at her now.
Look how she climbed that rainbow
And look at her beating heart.
Look how she survived.
See how she was strong enough to leave
And look what she's found now.
Look at the sunshine bursting out from within her
Look at those stars she can't help but show.
Her smile is real now
And her eyes shine brighter for you.
Look at that little broken girl.
And look how strong she is now.

i am so trapped inside myself.
there are words in my heart
and they try to leap out,
battling with the black hole of my person.
there is so much i want to say
so much love i want to share
but the fear won't let it escape.
even when the alcohol dissolves the barrier,
the fear is still too strong
and again the words are lost
before my mouth can form the shape of 'i love you'.
i am so in love with so many people;
each of them a planet within my solar system,
more beautiful than anything you could imagine.
i wish i could tell them how i felt,
how much they meant to me,
how they keep me alive.
but
as always
the words are lost.

Warm my blood with a kiss of your sorrow,
Fuel my beating heart with the despair
I have inflicted upon you.
Give my lungs the breath of your woe.
Quench my thirst with tears of desperation
To be happy.
All that maintains me is your sadness.

She was always so angry at the world.
She saw all the beauty
And saw how the people destroyed it.
Her eyes were portals to the past;
Within her soul was the pain of a society,
A society that could have been
If we had not taken for granted
The reality
And speciality.
Originality
Was taken from us the moment
This world was born.
She saw that we were not a world of love
Anymore.
We were a world of hatred
And pain
And prejudice
And judgement.
She saw through the fallacy
We have created:
Our facebook walls are mere facades,
Disguising who we are
And hiding us in the blur of the stars
Of who we wish we were.
Soon there will be no people.
No emotions.
No relationships.
The only thing that will exist are machines
With vacant faces,
Taken over by a society that shouldn't have been.

We are musical notes
Drifting as waves through the air.
Each of us has a unique rhythm,
A different beat.
We are nothing more than melodies,
Penetrating the ears of those we love.
And your melody is beautiful.
It moves me across the floor
As I dance,
Spinning and pirouetting through voids of happiness.
Your breath is the voice of a bluebird,
Your heart the gentle beating of the drums,
Your ribs the strings of a guitar
And your eyes wilful composers.
You are the song I can't stop singing.

you saved me
with your superhero cape.
you swooped down
and carried me to safety.
you held me
in your superhero grip.
you put a hand to my face
and erased the tears.
do you know how special you are?
a superhero
armed with words
that will fix my broken soul.
your weapon is your love.
with love
you fight off the monsters
that come to me at night.
it is because of you that i smile.
it is because of you that i live.
so go on
and i will follow thee
to the last gasp with truth and loyalty.
my superhero.

i keep everything.
little moments of happiness in a box beneath my bed,
ready for me to glimpse at when the tears arrive.
the receipt from my first date,
the lipstick i was wearing when i had my first kiss,
the photo from that first party,
the ticket to the first concert i went to.
as i look at each moment,
stroke the printed band name
and run my hands over the faces of those i love most,
i can still see it all.
the laughs,
the smiles,
the loud music.
i pick up the photo
and i feel his hand round my waist again,
immediately transported back
to that night
beneath the beautiful stars,
our lips pressed together and our bodies entwined.
i glance at the ticket
and my ears ring with the memory
of dancing
and flashing lights
and jumping over the ripples of notes.
i keep everything
because it makes me happy.
i will forever have those moments with me,
and i will never let go.

life is hard sometimes.
everything is so difficult.
every movement feels like a chore
and every breath feels as if my lungs are drowning in the world's tears.
my friends stab me in chest
i cannot feel my soul anymore
it is too wounded.
and i love him
but he doesn't understand
what it is to be so completely sad
that nothing matters anymore
and everything feels pointless.
i cannot function.
nothing works anymore.
i cannot feel.
i am not real.
i lie in the middle of the world
as dollanganger and the smiths sing in my ears
whispering words of wisdom
"let it be"
but it doesn't work.
nothing works.
there is nothing i can do to escape the trappings of my inner self.
i am a broken human.
and i am worth nothing.
i used to lose myself in fiction,
i'd fall between the pages of a good book.
but i cannot lift the pages anymore.
making music was my passion
now it is my worst nightmare.

nothing works anymore.
i dont know how to fix it.



who am i?

It's overrated.
People think it equates to happiness
But it doesn't
At all.
Believe me- I am in it and sad.
I'm sad.

There are so many other worlds.
So many skies you will never see,
Music you will never hear.
So much time you will never live.
There are cities that turn into stars at night
And mountains that burst through the clouds with such beautiful anger.
There are eyes that gaze into each other
And hearts that beat for another.
There is so much more that you will never see.
Be grateful for what you do see,
No one else will see it.

the sky was purple tonight.
i thought that maybe you'd littered the clouds
with the parma violets you never used to be without.
i remember how you always tasted like them
and i'd occasionally find one under your tongue,
and you'd say you were saving it, just for me.

our song started playing today
in that little cafe you used to take me to,
the one with the soft wooden tables
and those armchairs that seemed perfectly made for me and you.
do you remember all the times we went?
sat together and hummed the tune to that song.
and you never looked more beautiful
than when that milkshake was pressed against your lips,
and the bright red cherry tickled your delicate skin.

the sky was purple tonight
and i miss you.

I see a horse, elegant and proud,
I remember riding one into the cloud,
Her head held high, braver than me,
She was shot, that horse, despite her plea.

A firework explodes in the sky,
I remember him, his hopeless cry,
The night the shell came over my head,
And the next morning we found him dead.

A choir sings, it's Christmastime,
I remember the peace that cold daytime,
Boxing day we start killing again,
But that Christmas we were friendly gunmen.

I sit in a café eating beans,
I remember it, those dreadful scenes,
We were so hungry at mealtime,
But stealing rations was a crime.

My son runs around with a toy gun,
I remember how he did nit run,
Only looked pleadingly into my eyes,
I had no mercy- he soon dies.

I am not proud to be alive,
I am not happy to have survived,
I will remember you with all my heart,
In my head we will never part.

Wherever I go, whatever I do,
The war is with me.
It comes too.

i want to live in a place
where the only filter
is the light of the street lights
and the only colour
is the sunset on a snowy evening.
i want to live in a place
where you are everything
and everything glows of you.

I so badly want to say it back.
It's on the tip of my tongue but
Memories from before seal my mouth.
They press my lips together to prevent the words from escaping,
Forming a kiss.
Your eyes lock onto my mouth and I know
You won't give in until you taste
The sourness-
Though you mistake it for sweet.
Despite my silence I have said it.
I cannot seem to prevent myself.
I go in for another kiss.
This time I don't need the memories to move
My lips.
There. I said it.
Are you happy?

We write poems about the same girl.
Isn't she beautiful?

Her sons never tell her they love her.
And her mother has never been proud.
She married a stranger from the big city.
And now they live in a small town.

She works day and night
To keep them alive.
But she’s only just breathing herself.
She’s selfless and kind,
Never on her own mind.
Her world revolves around them.

Engaged at eighteen,
To the life she had dreamed,
But ran away when the stability froze.
She always wanted more,
From the life that she saw
Ahead of her since she was small.

But her parents were strict,
Told her she’d never make it
And drove her away from the life that she wanted to live.

She searches for the beauty
Of the dreams she once had.
The ambitions she followed
Until her world crashed down.

She thinks back in time
To the end of the line;
Where she should have crossed instead of turned round.

She knows it too late to go back,
To the time when she was that
Woman she wanted to be.
Now she’s stuck in a big house,
On the outskirts of a small town.
Forever held back by the fears that she once had.

But I tell her don’t worry
Because it will all work out.
She will have the life she wanted
When the time comes around.

And her sons will tell her they love her.
And her mother will always be proud.
She’ll marry the prince of her kingdom
And escape from the small, small town.

As I scrolled through her memories,

I could feel her pain burning through the screen

Into my eyes.

I cried for the girl she used to be:

Lonely

Forgotten

Sad.

She has always been beautiful

But

It took her a while to realise

Because

Her soul was stolen

By the darkness that lives inside.

It’s funny, isn’t it?
How you recognise them everywhere.
The people of your past.
You hear a voice
And you could have sworn it was your childhood best friend.
And the way someone laughs
Reminds you of her,
Your first love.
Throwing her head back,
Cackling with carefree bliss.
The glint in someone’s eye,
Or their attitude to life,
Brings back your school teacher,
The one who was so full of spirit
And inspiration.
And even people you’ve never met,
Are brought to life
By somebody else’s smile

bright lights
loud music
dancing
hugging
loving
all together
beer
falling
kissing
talking
honesty
truth
*****
happy
laughing
smiling
spinning
spinning
spinning

i love you all so much

everything is spinning again
and i've forgotten how to make it stop.

she could turn a sentence into a star,
just by rolling it off her tongue
as if the universe was made to pour out of her.
her eyes were portals to another world,
to the place where her heart lived,
orbited by her lungs.
within her are a multitude of galaxies,
the map to each one etched across her skin.
i trace the pathway until i find the planet
that we first fell in love upon.
and i kiss her again,
beneath the same blanket of stars
that she exhaled the very first time.
she is made of stars,
every part of her is strung together with a constellation.
and i will travel the entire solar system
just to reach the brightest star
because i know that's where she will be.

I saw stars in your eyes
And they shone
Like diamonds-
They were beautiful.
We ran together,
Forever running
Towards us,
Away from everything else.
I held your hand
For affection
Or protection?
I clung to you.
Now you won't let me go.
You are chasing me and
I am running away
From you.
The stars in your eyes
No longer shine:
They are black holes.

A fluttering heart,
A warm comfort,
A yearning so painful
You won't believe.
A constant smile,
A sudden tingling,
A quivering lip
You can't see.
An excited leap,
A sense of acceptance,
A nervous glance
You don't see.
A hopeful dream,
A strong belief,
But love won't come
To me.

I am suffering from it.
Just like you.
Just like everyone else.
It creeps up on us and envelops us,
Turning everything dark.
It is malevolent.
It climbs inside my body,
Grips my heart with its cold fingers.
It destroys me.
Just as it does you.
But it will never be found,
Never be held to account.
Because we are too afraid to expose
It.

Again my eyes flicker down to the screen in front of me.
I wait.
Every few seconds I check again.
Just waiting
For the sound that brings so much hope,
So much love.
Still you haven't replied.
I try to forget but it never leaves my mind.
My eyes keep returning to the vacant glow.
Repeatedly I check,
Aware of my desperate futility.
I will wait
For you
Forever.

thank you
to the stranger at the station
who wished me a good day.
to the teacher who said
'i always knew you could do it'
and the one who helped me say
'goodbye' to my low self esteem.
to the sad girl with the blog
who reassured me i was not alone.
to the woman who made me
laugh and always listened
and proved that there is hope.
to the two who are always there for me:
the girl who taught me
how to live
and the boy who showed me
what true friendship really is.
to the aunt who told me
'it's okay to be you'
and the grandmother who demonstrated
how to always stay strong
and how to thine own self be true.
to the little girl with bright blue eyes
who spoke to me when i was
so alone.
you all saved my life.
thank you for being the best people
i have ever known.

the creativity is running out.
people are becoming robots;
their brains controlled
by the mechanics of greed.
but i refuse to succumb
to the ever growing sanity
of society
and humanity.
i will cling
to the words
and the music
and the art.
i will not be taken over,
my mind will not be stolen
by the goblins of the swollen
world below.
i will paint myself the colour of youth
and pray my camouflage
allows me to retain my imagination,
i will not lose it to the education
system which takes so many
minds of innocent children.
they used to dream
and feel
and smile
and cry.
now they sit in office blocks,
brains ticking like ******* clocks.
making phone calls,
the reciprocating voices also without souls.
and the art they used to create,
the beauty they used to dictate
hangs on the wall
of the long forgotten
art gallery of nostalgia.
creativity dismissed as playful,
boring must equate to important.
what happened to the people
who used to laugh at everything?
i refuse
to lose
the battle of my beauty.

You open it.
A quivering hand turns the page.
They become you and
You become them.
Their emotions are yours.
You are lost in the words.
This is your escape.
You are free at last.

The skies are swollen with sadness.
And when it overflows,
Our misery gushes down to Earth as
The clouds cry for us.
It's a cycle:
The evaporation, condensation, precipitation of our tears is ongoing.
Everlasting.
It never stops.
We are pulled out of misery
Only to be rained on again.
We can't defeat it,
No-one can prevent the impending rain.
So why try?
Instead,
Seek love.
Because love will hand you an umbrella.
And you will be safe from the rain
For a while.

i saw you dancing in the devil's heart.
did it make you happy?
or are you still the pathetic man you always
proved to me to be?
did the fires of hell warm your icy heart?
or does it still beat only for yourself?
were you tortured down there?
were you thrown into a fiery pit of despair?
or does the devil not use your punishments?
do you remember the stars you stole from me?
i hope that he burnt them up and threw them away
because baby
you do not deserve to have my starlight pouring out of you.
do you still have my innocence?
did he let you keep that?
i hope that it erodes your skin
and burns your insides like acid.
did you not realise that my love for you was poisonous?
no?
you were the one who poisoned me.
and you will dance forever in the devil's heart.

I wonder why poets are sad.
Is poetry salvation from misery?
Or is everyone sad?
And maybe we only notice it in the people who write:
Sylvia Plath.
Virginia Woolf.
Charlotte Mew.
So many.
Is poetry just cathartic?
Do people not write about happiness because it has no effect?
Or are they afraid of happiness?
Sara Teasdale.
Anne Sexton.
Richard Brautigan.
Why so many?
Does writing poetry cause sadness?
Because one must reflect on misery to create emotive poems?
Or do sad people write poetry as a form of release?
Humans are addicted to sadness-
Are poets more so?
Are poets the most emotionally intelligent of humanity?
Or are they merely able to describe them?

Us readers feed off the misery of them.
Our creative fuel originates from the pain of poets.

I wonder why poets are sad.

why are you sad?
don't you know that you are the most beautiful person
who has ever walked this stupid planet?
there are stars on the tip of your tongue
and i swear your heart is bursting with the sun.
can't you feel those skyscrapers in your lungs?
they are trying to build you up.
and your soft lips contain all that love
just let it loose baby.
i have seen you and your brilliant colours,
every shade of you is beautiful.
and i'm pretty sure that your smile emits warmth
because when you are happy the whole world
gets a tiny bit warmer.
how can you possibly be sad
when you have the power to warm the world?
please be happy-
we're all getting a bit cold.

whoever you are, wherever you are, you are wonderful.
you are full of life and love and the world is so lucky to have you walk upon it.
whatever you might be going through, it will be okay.
i promise.
everything is always okay if you're patient.
and if you wait long enough, everything is brilliant.
never think that you are the only one.
we are all broken in some way.
all of us are struggling to survive.
so please never feel you are alone.
talk to someone.
please.
if we all just spoke about how we were feeling the world would be a much better place.
if you have no-one else to talk to feel free to talk to me.
if you message me on here i can give you my email.
i'm always willing to help anyone and everyone regardless of age, gender etc.
i've been through a lot so i know exactly what it feels like.
sometimes you just need to be reminded that you are beautiful.
that you are special and loved and magical and so so wonderful.
i know it doesn't always feel like that but you are all those things.
every single one of you is brilliant and every single one of you deserves to live.
no matter what you're going through, you will overcome it and you will be okay.
i promise.
this is not a poem but i hope it helps somebody.

her laugh is the most beautiful noise in the universe.
and the way she looks at you could melt your heart.
the love is not romantic,
but it is real.
she is everything to me.
she helped me find land in a ocean of the unknown.
her smile is the medicine that cures it all,
all the pain washes away as soon as she appears.
i do not yearn for her,
but my god do i want her.
she means the world to me.
she's the kind of person who tells you everything's okay
and you believe her.
because she is,
without a doubt,
the most wonderful woman in this world.
and i am so lucky to know her.

I've missed
the smile you
inflict on me
with every word.

thank you.
look at the life you have given me.
no, it's not perfect,
yes i still cry
but oh my god
it is wonderful to be alive.
remember how i used to hate myself?
well, i'm getting better
thanks to you.
i used to think i was worthless
but you made me see
i am magnificent.
i can't thank you enough
that my heart is beating.
yes my pulse is still weak
but it is getting stronger
i am getting stronger.
this time last year i cried in the rain
but today i danced in the puddles
of my disappearing sorrow.
you are amazing
and i love you
and i owe you so much.
thank you.
you saved my life.

i smile and turn away,
my heart flickering.
and as we walk away,
we both look back
for one last goodbye
and grin.
we are two stars in love with each other's brightness.
i open my door
and still i am thinking about you.
your smell still hovers around me
and my smudged lipstick
provides evidence of our love.
immediately i pull out my phone to text you,
only to find a text that reads
'i love you'.
and i know that we will shine forever,
lighting up the world.

it's been two years since i died.
730 days since i took my own life.
and i never fell in love.
i was never kissed under the stars,
never found the place that was ours.
i never travelled to that far away paradise,
or fell asleep in his arms.
i never met her,
never saw her smile,
never made love,
never read all those books.
i didn't get my grades,
never went to festivals,
never drank too much,
never felt that pang of loss.
there is so much i never experienced.
i wish i never swallowed those pills.

she means so much to me.
i wish i could show her that.

I'm in love with the way you move,
The way you smile and the way you kiss.
I'm in love with everything you do,
But I'm not in love with you.

With you, I laugh for a lifetime.
Together with you is happiness.
No day with you is ever blue,
But I'm not in love with you.

You touch my skin softly-
Such a gentle touch for a strong hand.
Before now, my heart has never been true.
But I'm not in love with you.

We run together,
Incandescent beauty shimmering in our wake.
I hope my days with you are not few.
But I'm not in love with you.

Your startling pulchritude
Holds a certain mystery,
To which I'm scavenging to find a clue.
But I'm not in love with you.

And as we windmill home,
Our hands clasped together like we will never part,
We vow that time we will subdue.
But I'm not in love with you.

As we kiss in the moonlight,
The typical romance induces a magic we cannot describe.
It dances between us,
Between our eyes.
Whispering as though it were a dangerous secret
You say "I love you".
And I smile and repeat the phrase.
But, darling, I'm not in love with you.
I'm not in love with you.

do you remember capital letters?
the upper case that i seldom use?
remember how i used to use them?
if you scroll through my poems you will see that i did.
but then you happened.
you didn't steal them from me
but capital letters indicate strength
and because of you
i am weak.