In the midst of desperation,
With my hands pressed tightly against the sides of my head,
I'm hopelessly trying to hold myself together.

Will clutching my head hold my thoughts in their place?
Or is the delusion only another reason to believe
That I'm losing this fight with myself tonight?

Will swallow **** before she swallows her pride.

The weight of my thoughts;
This “pain” that I feel;
I wonder how much of it
Truly, is real.

Neglecting my health;
I seek comfort in vices;
Like cannabis, or nicotine.
But at least I’m not a drunk.

Yet I find myself in pain;
Itching for a taste;
For a glimmer of solace.
Just a promise of peace.

What am I craving?
What am I yearning for?
So I can feel high?
Or because I’m just bored?

I need something.

Skin that is as lovely as a warm summer day.
Lips as luscious as a fresh strawberry.
A body that Athena would loathe you for.
My desire for you burns like a shot of tequila.
Hands that are made to fit right into mine.
Arms that rest on the nape of my neck as we kiss.
Pulling me closer to the place I want to be.
The scent of your hair drives me madder than mad.
The rush of horomones that course through my veins.
As my lips find their way the side of your neck.
As my hands find their way to the small of your back.
As our faces touch and we feel what we have.
Mutual feelings of intensity that we cannot describe.
Your voice says you love me.
But your eyes say so much more.
The wall has come down and our feelings are pure.
Time has stopped and I've forgetten the world.
For all that exists at this very moment is us and our love.

My mind is a work of art.
For the longest time,
it remained hidden in a cellar.
Away from the judging eyes of the world.

It's been put on display, but some pieces are missing.
Being restored and maintained properly.
To repair the effects of time and the elements.
So that it may be enjoyed forever.

It sits in a gallery for everyone to see.
Wanting to be understood by all those who breathe.
Most people stop, glance, and leave,
But a few people stop and do more than just see.

They feel.
They know. They understand.
Or at least try.
They look at the lines and try to see through.
"What is the artist trying to tell you?"

"No, not again..." I cried to myself,
As I buried my face in the palms of my hands.
As I clenched onto a lock of my hair in each fist,
And slowly but surely loosened my grip.

So many nights in this dark room of mine,
Repeating this ritual from one night to the next.
Sometimes I pace, sometimes I drink,
But most of the time I just sit down and think.

I think to myself...
What is this, a curse?
My punishment for all my sins and misdeeds?
My refusal to believe in a man called, "God"?
For biting the hand from which I did feed?

No.
"It can't be..." I whisper in fear.
"If God does exist, he wouldn't do this to me."
"I wouldn't be cursed with such a terrible plague."

Then the demons awaken.
Just like every other night.
Forcing their way into my room every night.
Forcing their way into my head every night.
Haunting me until the sun shines on my window.

They hold my eyes open.
But I force them shut.
They whisper my thoughts,
And their voices keep me up.
Silent and still like a dark shallow pond,
But sleep refuses to rescue me.

And when that sun shines,
It's a sight I do dread.
A sight that reminds me of these mornings in bed,
When the battle is over and the demons retreat,
Into my head as I lay in defeat.

Now that it's over, I continue my day.
Keeping my curse and my demons at bay.
But even then, I dread every night,
When my demons return with a vengeance to fight.

I need my rest tonight.
But my mind is wide-awake.
Emotional strife in my comfortable life,
Leave me with decisions to make.

But doubt...
Is what forces my eyes open,
And keeps me pinned against my bed.

Fear
Is what makes my fists clench.
Making me repeat what I said.

It's like torture.

A pendulum axe.
Right above my bed.
Trying get inside of my head.

Why is life so difficult?
Is this really meant to be?

*The truth is everything is really up to me.

What a world that I live in.
Oh my, have the times changed.
The 21st century, so glorious and new.
Society's changing and it's not well to do.

Strange religious cults that spew arguments of hate.
Condemning our soldiers, government, and state.

Young teenagers lust without a care in the world.
Ignorant to the consequences that can be deterred.
They give birth to lovely children whom they cannot feed.
Too busy partying and fueling their own need.
The need to feel loved, or young, or alive.
Consumed by desire and refusing to shrive.

With the presence of drugs, crime is on the rise.
The stealing, the killing, the fooling, the lies.
*******, ******, ****, Crack.
Young women are ***** by addicts in packs.
The corruption of those who swore to protect,
The very same people that they choose to neglect.

The big name companies make the products we buy.
Thirsting for money until we all die.
Some are expensive, others are cheap.
But all the big companies call us, "the sheep".
We follow the trends and lust for what's new.
Believing what they say even if it's not true.

I'm young and I'm curious; an observer of life.
Feeling the love, and avoiding the strife.

What a world that I live in.
How ugly can life be?
Because in all these sad truths, I see a reflection of me.
Living in in this world; the new turn of the century.

I pinch my brow, and rub my eyes.
I procure a heavy sigh.
I feel regret, a dear old friend,
As I look up at the sky.

I retreat to my mind, I shut my eyes.
I think of what to say.
Hate comes along, whistling his song,
"How would you rather feel today?"

I searched for love, I found someone.
I thought she was a dream.
Instead I found myself in hell.
People aren't always what they seem.

I was blinded by "love", I am in love.
I love her and she loves me.
But so many questions come to my mind.
"Are we truly meant to be?"

I don't know, I don't know, I really don't know...
There's so much pain in my heart.
The things that we do and the things that we say,
Are tearing us apart.

I unclench my fists, I open my eyes.
I let out a heavier sigh.
Rubbing my eyes, I wipe these tears
As I look up at the sky.

Should you forget that smile that you wear,
So lovely and warm, at home,
Remember these words, you kind-hearted soul.
Happiness lies where you roam

It lies in your heart, and it's up to you,
To brighten up the day.
To help out a stranger, a friend, or a neighbor.
Kindness goes a long way.

Just help an old lady crossing the street,
Ask her, "What's your name?"
Give her a hug, and show her your smile.
Trust me, she'll do the same.

Smile at a person that you think is cute,
And even if they glare,
Give em' a wave and continue your day.
A smile is something to share.

And don't be afraid to make weird faces,
At a baby, or a kid.
Just remember to smile and play for a while.
They'll remember what you did.

We are all human and life is quite short,
So enjoy it for a while.
Seize the day! Be on your way!
*Just don't forget to smile.

This game; This war;
Proves to me that you're nothing more
Than a selfish, useless, empty *****.
You want love and fame.
It's really just a shame
That everyone you love leaves you just the same.

Deceive; Despise;
I see the truth in your eyes.
Fleeing consequences; consumed by your lies.
Message; received.
Beyond the lies you have conceived
Because of all the things you refuse to believe.

Running won't get you far.

*YOU ARE A SHAM.

Another cancer stick to fuel my addiction.
It's society's version of an acceptable affliction.
I love the buzz, the taste, the flavor.
It's like pills and uppers to a whacked out raver.
I enjoy a fine smoke, like now, or when I'm high,
Patiently waiting for death to come by.

Roll another joint, pack another bowl.
To be amongst the stars is my one true goal.
Up in the sky, far beyond the moon.
High as a kite, but coming down soon.
And when the fade's gone and the worries are back,
One big fat bowl is what we will pack.

Lucy in the sky? My, oh my.
She takes my hand and away we fly.
To another world where the body cannot go,
Where you wonder what's real and what isn't so.
The truths are revealed and new questions are found,
Eyes up at the sky and feet on the ground.

I playfully imagine sewing my eyes shut,
As frustration and anger rise within.
The solace I sought was a battle away,
So I lay in my sheets and accept my defeat.

To win such a battle would come a reward,
That all equal men accept every night.
To lay my own head upon a soft bed,
And drift off to sleep as if I were dead.

To dream, any dream, that my heart could ever want.
To explore, see, venture, and try.
Yet here, eyes open, is where I now lie.
I beg the madness to answer me, "why?"

Am I doomed to be an owl of the night?
To lurk in the shadows of a waning moon?
Why is my escape unavailable to me?
How long will the nights continue to be this way?

It feels like my sanity is eroding away,
And the lack of rest is causing me pain.
The bags of my eyes grow heavy and full,
And I plead for a God to end it all soon.

I dream for a dream and I lust for sleep.
Just a minute of rest is all that I need.
Sleep is my master, for it controls me,
As I lie in these sheets; a man of defeat.

Fading away, into my mind.

The face that I loved,
And still love very much,
The soft hands that I pined for,
That I still long to hold,
Manifest into a world
Where our love never died.

In. My. Mind.

Those lovely warm hands
Find their way into mine.
That smile that I love
Is a mirror of mine.
And with that beautiful face,
Warmth finds my heart.

The same feeling I get when I see a full moon.

For when I remember something beautiful....

I always remember you.

Us

We.

And everything that we dreamt that we would be.

Young and in love.
No future intact.

In my dreams.

Where there is no time.
Where there is no purpose.

Things simply exist because they can.

I cherish these moments that we spend in my mind.

That I spend with you.

That stay with me when I

Awaken.

I sink.
Deep.
Further,
And further...

Down.

Until I reach the sea floor; scattered and strewn with my memories of you.
The floor beneath the Sea of Memory.

"How messy...", I think.
How will I ever find that memory of you?
That moment of bliss that you shared with me?

So I search on my knees as I dig through the dirt.
Through the memories of hell in the form of clumps.
Of **** and grime.
Of dust and filth.
In the form of all the pain that you caused me when you left.

Digging.
Digging.
Digging.

Encompassed by the sea,
I can still feel the tears rolling down my face.
Becoming a part of the Sea of Memory.

And the search goes on.

And on.
And on.
And on.

Desperation.
Suffering from starvation.
Fueled by your negation
Of our love.

The clouds of dust that I've created,
The product of my search,
Of my own aberration,
Bury me in the soil beneath the sea.

The Sea of Memory.

Playing back in my head,
The moments I dread.
Souvenirs of the past;
They refuse to be shed.

A second at last,
To sail at full mast.
To explore in my sleep,
My mind that is vast.

Deep in my dreams.
Strange as it seems,
The moments rush back,
Like white water streams.

Consumed by the black,
Like a ****** on smack,
Eden is gone,
Through the strength that I lack.

Weak as a fawn,
To the darkness, I'm drawn.
I painfully wait,
For the glimmer of dawn.

Let's start with the good,
When I asked if I should.
Should I pursue, and give myself to you?
A friend is a friend, but when you kissed me;

You pulled out a part of me you don't deserve to see.

I held your soft hands and held your sea green gaze,
I looked to your soul and saw flashes of pain,
flashes of beauty and a glimmer of hope;

Hoping that we were not meant to be.

The guy you pulled out with a kiss is a fool,
a sucker for love and an ignorant tool.
He played by your rules and he kicked your ***.

Don't prey on the good men who still have some class.

I admit that the things that I told you were bad,
and sorry, not really, for making you sad,
I'll miss being able to call you my buddy;

You get what you give when you're selfish and slutty.

Fire and brimstone are nothing compared,
To the hell that I see, that I live, that I am.
You see, Hell is not a place where the ****** are condemned,
But a place in my head where Regret is the king.

It's a place where everything I wish I could've taken back,
Is played over and over and over again.
Torturing me and who I want to be,
With the image of who I was in the past.

Regret is the king, but Satan is me.
I am the accused, the shamed, the opposer.
The struggle is defining who I am today,
In the midst of the memories that I refuse to believe.

Demons are the memories that haunt me.
Beckoning me with false justification.
Chastising me with the whip of ignorance.
Killing me with the truth of my actions.

Hell is not the domain of evil.
Hell is not the source of all wrong.
Hell is a place inside of our heads.
Where we refuse to go and never want to be.

Being Human seems easy enough.
You live and you die; and the middle?

Unknown.

Life is the struggle of filling that gap.
A struggle that all of us go through alone.

Sure, we experience life in many different ways.
Through many different perspectives,
But we never count the days.
Time is the enemy of all of mankind.
Time is something that we scramble to find.

We like to love, but we love to hate.
Conflict is as human as the thirst to become great.
People would rather argue than hug.
Hate is the reason that love tends to fail.
But we all believe that love will prevail.

Fear is our boundary; It is our line.
The line in the sand between them and what's "mine".
It can leave you in the dark, or bring you to the light.
Fear is what separates the good from the great.
It keeps us humble for what we cannot dictate.


Just because you're breathing,
Does not mean that you're alive.
Living is not an action.
But the struggle to find how you die.

We don't choose to live.
We don't want to die.

But if you seek the truth, than it, you shall find.
The truth is what we strive for.
It's what makes life great.
Truth gives us power to destroy or create.

The truth is our answer.

Life is our question.

I
I am.
Human.
Intelligent.
Selfish,
Yet selfless.
Contradictory.
I am.

I
I fear.
Love.
Sacrifice.
Death.
But I,
I believe.
In love,
sacrifice,
and death.

I
I want.
I lust.
I crave.
I have.
I need.
I feel...

I am.

I.

I wish for one night, everyone could see,
What lies inside my heart. What lies within me.
It's the truth! Unwithered, but hidden for years.
Pain, sadness, and all of my fears.

Pain.
From every single girl that didn't give me a chance.
From all the ones who laughed when I asked them to a dance
From all the ones to told me, "I don't see you that way."
From all the times I thought, "I'll **** myself today."
The pain never goes away.

Sadness
From all the girls who called me, "ugly" and meant every word.
From all the girls I want, but I know I'll never have.
From the countless times that I've tried to show them who I am.
From all the times I was left behind for someone I can't be.
I curse everyday that I am me.

Fear.
Is me in the future, dying all alone.
Without someone to love me, or even call my own.
Death is no longer at the top of my list.
He would be my savior from this life that I live.
What a curse it is to be me.

Unwanted because I'm ugly.
Unwanted because I'm nice.
Unwanted because there's others.
Unwanted because of who I am.
Have you ever wished for day,
That you could be someone else?
Anybody but you.
Anybody but yourself.

Everyday.
Every **** day.
I just wish I could be them.
The ones who are always wanted.
The ones who are always loved.

I spend my whole life wishing that maybe,

Just maybe...

For just one girl....

That I could be enough.

Here we are again.
After all the times that you've said goodbye;
With all the times I told myself I'd never see you;
I always wondered what it would be like;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

We've never met;
Not even once.
And we've talked about that day countless times.
Where your eyes meet my gaze,
And I see your smile,
And I reach out my hand for you to take.

What a day that would be;
To be so cliché;
To love with a love that is more than love,
As one of the best once put it.
To love you as if it were my last day on Earth.

The years have passed,
And you've changed,
As well as I.
But the only thing that remains the same,
Is the fact that I still love you.

Stranger.
Friend.
Enemy.
Lover.
The girl that I seem to find myself always fighting for.

I just want to know;
I've been dying to know;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

You could change my life;
And I could change yours.
We could defy all odds
And just focus on what matters most,
To the both of us;

Each other.

Could it be?
That we're all we need?

We could find out;
*With just one kiss.

All the time,
I'm suffering.

Living is slowly suffocating.

I'm afraid to die.
I don't want to die.

But waiting for death seems to be the only way,
I can keep myself from getting pulled under.

Death lingers in the back of my mind,
Keeping me afloat.
Keeping me alive.

Because when I die, I can only expect one thing.

*The Truth.

In a world as complicated as humans themselves,
Perception is key for a guy like me.
A guy who looks in instead of looking out.
A person that's clueless as to what life's about.

Do we live for the money so that we may survive?
Or do we live for the good times with the laughs and the smiles?
Do we live for the love that we save for another?
Or do we live for our families as fathers and mothers?

Do we live for the ***, the drugs, and the pleasure?
Or do we live as sinners until Hell's frozen over?
Do we live for the power that we gain over peers?
Or do we live as followers, mindless sheep, or deer?

To these, I say nay, for I've discovered the truth.
To live is your choice, whatever you choose.
I live and I learn, I learn and I die,
Into the void, behind my own eyes.

And whatever may come after my last breath,
I shall not fear it for it isn't the end.
Whether it is or it isn't, I'll never be sure.
But whatever it is, I'm there to endure

What divides me is the distance,
Between you and I.
It leaves me torn in two,
For all I want is to be with you.

We haven't shared a moment together,
Not a single second of time.
But just hearing your voice,
Is enough to have me wish you were mine.

Time goes on,
Yet we still haven't met.
My love is on hold until that day,
That I see your smile before me

I'll bask in your beauty,
And enjoy the time,
That the two of us spend together,
Silently hoping it will last forever.

Some people will think I’m crazy for saying I’ve fallen for you at first sight, and maybe this will just be another one of those times where I only dream of what could’ve been…
Or another time where get so caught up in the moment, I lose the chance to make it into something more.

But what I want “this” to be, is I want you to love me and I want to love you more than you could ever know. Because I have so much love to give, and I can’t promise you the world, but I promise that I’ll do my very best to be the perfect man for you, because maybe I am the perfect man for you, and I just don’t know it yet.

Who are you?

My heart longs to know.
For your face is a mystery,
Along with your existence.

Do you know?

That I'm here and waiting for you.
And that these empty hands,
Long and hope to hold yours.

My heart will be yours.

Before we even know.
For if destiny is real,
Then our fates will entwine.

Are you afraid?

That our paths will never cross?
Sleep well then, my dear.
For this is something we share.

Alone, we are not.

Even though we both are.
Our desires are shared,
Where ever you are.

Do you hear me?

My muse of mystery.
My one true love.
**If you even exist.

Countless nights with my hand on my chin,
In silence, in solace, in darkness at night.
The hunger for knowledge and quest for the truth,
Lead me to a desk with a small dim lamp,
Where I sit and I ponder my questions in life.

I wonder how many people like me,
Have sat in their rooms or personal sanctuaries.
Sitting alone on the verge of epiphany,
Struggling to find the perfect words to define,
Their thoughts or emotions or questions like mine.

Einstein's theory of relativity.
Tesla's ideas of electricity.
Wilde's philosophy on the emotion of love.
These men are defined by the great things they did,
Because they defined the visions in their head.

My pupils dilate as I stare at my walll.
Time slows down when I'm in deep thought.
Everything, all of it, rushes at me.
I cannot describe the things that I see,
When I turn on the switch of possibility.

****, I'm really high.
Why did I bother getting ******?

****... I'm REALLY high...
The end of senior year is close!

****. Why did I get high?
**** held me back for a year...
Of sitting, and staring, and staring, and sitting,
And laughing my *** to tears.

The *** became a small escape.
Like Superman without his cape.
Or a homeless guy with a 40 oz drink.
****, what am I saying?!

****! I'm high.
There's work to do?
But **** that ****.
I'll chill for a bit.

And it's back to work for who?

Hopefully, my high ***.

So it begins.
The end, but not the end.
The end of a chapter. The end of a stanza.
A sheltered life; the life of my past.

Fear; t'was my struggle.
The fear of being held back.
But the struggle to free myself from restraint,
Became my very shackles.
I was my own prisoner,
In these walls that I've built, so high.

I hear in the air, the call of a Siren.
A call to my soul. A call to my fate.
The Siren of change.
She announces my time.
The time of rebirth.
My hour of epiphany.

I am awake.
I can breathe. I am free.
Free from myself. Free from my sins.
This is where the new chapter begins.

Apathy. Cynicism. Envy. Shame.
Emotions that flood my thoughts day to day.
This darkness, This plague; It has hollowed my heart.
It has shattered my spirit and all feeling is lost.
This ghost has a name.

Regret.

Regret is the weight of the burden I bear.
It's all that I've lost when I said, "I don't care."
It's the lies that I forced myself to believe.
Opportunities I've lost in the name of ignorance.

I no longer remember who I see in the mirror.
A fellow, that I, have never seen before.
Is it him? Is it me? Was I blind, now I see?
The truth can be painful, but I must believe.

Your smile is so innocent, but I see every crease.
Every scar and every wrinkle that tell a very interesting story.
I understand that the smile that appears before me today,
Was once lost in a valley of tears and sorrow.
Hidden in a lost city of pain and regret.
Searching for the strength to appear once again.

I question it's sincerity; whether your smile is forced or true.
Nonetheless, it's something that's so lovely on you.
It hides all your pain; masking your scars.
Hiding your tears and concealing your fears.
When I see that smile, I deny what is true.
I wouldn't mind falling for a girl like you.