I've had a life in the arms of peace;
I've lived a life with a heart for love.
I've been content in the themes of sorrow,
And the seasons of delight.

I've seen chapters start and end.
I've completed numerous volumes,
In the ink of tears and smiles;
And moved onto sequels and new characters.

--
My story is simple and incomplete--
It isn't a tale yet, just a work in progress.
It lives in the fulfilment of my dreams;
I wish to make it a masterpiece!

I hope I succeed till my last season,
Little by little, minute by minute...
Living in the throes of vibrancy,
Without regrets and with a hint of grace.

I wish to grow into an oldie in that last winter,
With a garden full of trees, each tree a completed story.
And I hope I can remember my dreams as my life;
*Even at the end, I wish for the peace of fulfilment.

a life taken
a life broken
a life lost (say forgotten)
a life begins and ends, never lived

no recognition
no words of dear ones

bombings
silent screams
voices flattened in the mud - ash
(loud ones heard by none)

wars
marching or killing
sometimes both together
(mass graves no burials no rites)

revolutions
burning homes buildings towers
(men women children infants)

freedom is the prize.
****** is the price.

why did no one stop?
all life is sacred.
still, time marches on,
blood up to it's knees.

more destruction
more violence, their excuse?
peace honor religion opinions?

rallies of hate
against voices of love.
barbarians
in the age of civility...

an ache begins in the seeing heart
why did no one stop?

the pain of knowledge chokes on tears
why haven't they stopped yet?

It hasn't been the same...

The nights are darker
Stained with nightmares
My days blur together
In motionless decay

The day has dawned
My light has blown out
Everything good is gone
All green was gold, now black

All my joy is with you
It truly hasn't been the same anymore...

This world feels
So foreign to me;
Though I was born in it,
It doesn't feel a part of me.

Give me a reason:
Good enough to stop and see,
What, through optimism,
This world could be.

Tell me of happiness,
And tell me of delight:
That could shine through this darkness,
Like a heavenly light.

Talk to me of love;
And of its virtuous beauty:
That can be felt through jealousy,
And not be borne like a duty.

Speak of the truth,
That guides me through falsehood;
That tells me how life is worth living,
And the living are worth some good.

Remind me of ignorance:
How blissful a mind in its presence can be;
And tell me how imagination,
Can overrule reality.

I ask this not for luxury,
But rather, out of necessity:
For my life has lost its meaning,
And with it, its integrity.

So, this world,
It feels so alien to me;
Though I was born in it,
It doesn't feel a part of me.

I could devour your heart
But I chose to hold it with care
Like soft petals, velveteen in my mind

I could scare you to death
But I chose to hide all that I'm made of
Like sharp daggers, wrapped in silken scarves

I could shatter your grip on reality
But I chose to respect your sanity
Like silent truths, hidden in stories untold

See my gritted teeth of sincere control
Notice my disquiet eyes aflame with agony
And don't ignore my scars from wearing another skin

It's been too long, way too long
I close my eyes and breathe in slowly,
It feels alien, other-ly--

A warmth washes over me...
'I made it this far...'

I am tired of feeling lost
Being left behind;
I am sick of mourning
While presenting my silence...

I wait for my iron blood
To thicken and freeze;
My veins, my heart
Too stiff to feel again--

I wait for cold numbness
To dull my aching eyes;
To release my soul
From merciless compassion.

I wait to draw a breath
In freedom, in selfishness;
Untainted by their expectations
If only one, if only once...

Till my madness consumes me.

standing alone,
confused,
you stare at the world ahead,
a life you'd once imagined in your head...

weeping quietly,
you hurt,
you finally acknowledge the dull hum,
the loneliness that made you numb...

waiting patiently,
you hope,
refusing to go down without fighting,
struggling to emblaze the torch you're lighting...

dreaming serenely,
you wish,
to see her again, to say it out loud,
explaining that your heart is ever afloat the cloud...

singing softly,
you rejoice,
she's standing at your door, torn and dazed,
glad you weren't just a memory she crazed...

vowing silently,
you've fallen,
she's in your arms for now forever,
for her, you'd brave a year of stormy weather...

*you'll never let her go, never again...

I sat alone and aloof
A Book in hand
And words in mind,
Leaving my reality behind.

He came from nowhere,
Nowhere that I could see
And asked about the words I read;
But for all his words, my words were dead.

We spoke for a while,
Hot coffee warming our hands;
Smiles on our faces and hope in heart
We both played well the stranger's part.

With the hands of time in motion,
We spoke out our souls
Of our lives and our faces,
And our words and their paces.

Of the hours that hurt
And the words that burnt;
The sweet balm of love and care
And how life could, maybe, be a little fair.

He asked, at last, if my words were taken,
And I thought back to the boy
With whom my words belonged--
*I've given up my words far too long...

It's easy to be good at many things,
It's sad to be known for just a few;
It's alright to try everything once,
But it's hard to be an Ace among the crew.

It does take a lot of courage
To accept the norms and later pine;
But to stand up to what you believe in--
That takes a hell of a thick spine!


People call it arrogance,
To walk away from the crowd;
But with time, the one who walked away,
Is the one who walks proud.

Free will is an illusion for many,
It's a social necessity to walk in a herd;
Society accepts you on its own conditions--
Which if not fulfilled, you remain unheard...

There's a monarchy of tradition,
That feeds a monopoly of disappointment;
It's your charity to their egos,
That secures your appointment!


Go, find where you belong,
Amidst this raging tide;
Swim through the mailstorm,
Pull at the chains that keep you tied.

Break free of those psych bonds,
Move out into the light;
Rid yourself of that ancient poison,
And proclaim your own path as right.

Bleeding through moments
Spent alone and lost

Sinking in thoughts
That fill my heart with frost

Dreading another sunrise
Another day to live through

Enduring this bitter loneliness
While I try to find my way to you

Why don't we have scars
For feeling too deeply?

No broken ribs
No punctured lungs
And yet, not an easy breath...

--

I want to blink out the stars
And let the blackness fall upon me

To forget this crippling despair
And breathe freely again...

I can't think
Can't catch a wink
I can't write
My mind's not right

But the ink won't let me sleep
The voices pull me deep
I hear the words in a dull hum
Like whispers making me numb

There's a place deep inside
Where my monsters reside
I feel a deep sense of dread
All I see is red

All green is gold
All gold is dead
All good is dead

The beauty of chaos is that,
It doesn't always stand for destruction;
Sometimes it's merely a lack of structure.
It's Fate, undergone a twisted lobotomy...

--

You're caught in a whirlwind, with no sense of direction;
Once the storm has passed
And the feeling of sanity is restored,
You get up and walk on,
On whatever path you've been dropped on;
And after a few miles you'll ask yourself:
*Was it all meant to be?

My mind is the only thing
that keeps me from going insane...

Capturing a moment,
To keep it as remembrance;
A light to run to,
When all else
Falls to dark...

Sometimes to share,
Sometimes to treasure;
For everyone's eyes
Or my heart only to feel...

I'll find you again
To feel happiness,
And warmth;
To be wanted again-
And be reminded of love...

In their darkness they grew,
Like shadows,
Reaching for a deeper Hell;
In their blackness they grew,
Bound together,
As they stood by the other's side;
Destroying each other--
Bit by bit...

*Devouring each other--
Bite
by
bite...

I saw the clouds
In the moonlit night,
Dark and flimsy
Moonlight shining through.

They looked so sad,
Engulfed in the dark sky.
Taking form
Of the whispering monsters:
My slumbering nightmares,
Quitely growling in my mind.

They were mourning
The death of daylight,
As the moon roared bright;
Soaring through the sky
To meet my eyes.

My vision raged through the sky,
All the way home, seeking rest;
Yet the clouds, forgotten,
Stayed unmoving
Still, high up in the sky;
Like their dead kin
In hushed smoking rooms,
Stuck and stranded;
Held prisoner
To the silent endless black.
In sad, starving human minds...

When you wrap your heart so safely
To save it from the dark
And your spark snuffs out

Remember the first good day we spent?
The sea washed out the sand at our feet,
The city lights twinkled like the stars above.
Only, these were the stars we could touch.
It was the first I'd seen of your carefree laugh;
I told myself then, I haven't seen it enough.
I still haven't had enough of it...

She said, 'The city lights are the stars,
They twinkle in the shrouded night.
I have been waiting for someone
To help me reach for the light.'

It's like I'm in a dream...
Were we together in our past lives?
I was holding this torch forever,
In the darkness, I could only burn bright,
For my neverending love, to seek the forgotten light;
To reunite, and spark into flames together,
Like the Sun, warming, *burning, with it's light;
And I finally found you, through all those blackest nights.

He said, 'If this was meant to be,
I will die over & over again to be in different eras with you.
*To live forever despite living various lives,
To live in the end and die in the beginning!'

They say we are Different;
But how can that be true?
When all I see,
Is me and you.

Earth is but a ball of dirt,
Devoid of man's treaties;
Still, it sustains within itself
Thousands of different species.

So why by them were these
Distinct separations made?
Why were colours distinguished,
And Humanity left to fade?

What is their purpose
Of praying to God above,
When his creation of a Heart,
They condemn without Love?

They walk the same soil;
They breathe the same air;
They drink the same water,
Then why do they despair?--

It's not Faith as they call it;
It's Vile Hyprocrisy redefined,
That leaks Doubt and Angst
Into a perfectly Tolerant mind.

For they frown at our Choices,
They mock at our Bruise;
They scorn at our Differences,
But our Similarities they refuse!--

It's a matter of the mind,
That plays forth illusions;
*Differences are evasive maneuvers
Against mental intrusions!

They haunt you,
They inspire you;
They make you travel far far away,
But they are not true.

They make you wonder,
What is really around you;
They leave you almost speechless,
But they do not define you.

They are not spoken in words,
But play like a movie centered around you;
They seem real when you're in one,
But they do not control you.

People say dreams help us escape to a place
Different than what surrounds you;
It seems almost like an awaited vacation,
But it does not transform you.

Dreams are complex to explain,
And simple to have;
They come when we sleep,
But we can't choose which one to have.

They are unpredictable and changing,
Sweet to begin with then turn into nightmares:
Its like you start with dreaming of teddys,
And then end up chased by grizzly bears!

They can be sweet and peaceful,
And even bizzare and surreal;
The trick to enjoy the constant surprise,
Is to keep in sight what is real.

*Dreams are perceptions,
Could be illusions or deceptions too;
But don't stop dreaming yet,
'Cause someday they could come true.

It settles inside
And around me,
Flooding every single corner
Every deep crevice--
Reaching every single piece
Broken away,
Shattered within...

In slow waves
It washes over all of me,
In soft currents
It reaches deep inside of me;
Carefully caressing
Every part of me that aches
For your phantom touch...

__

I lay here in the quiet depths,
Waiting for the blackness
Within and without..
Unleash the monster from my nightmare
And devour every fragment
Of my beaten, bleeding soul...

You want to fly,
The wind whistling through your hair;
You want to climb, the tallest peak
And stare down the horror of falling;
You want to hear
The sweet melody of life and love,
Touch with sinful lust
All that you wish--
The pages you ache to fill
Pouring out your heart
In ink, bleeding, as words.
You want to swim.
You want to run.
The water, it calls to your soul;
The fire burns away your fear,
Hesitation crumbling in ash.
But you don't move,
You're stuck.

*Do you remember
Who you were,
Before they told you
Who you should be?

The skies collapse;
Heaven's bright light,
the angel light,
floods through the gap.
The gap,
the inbetween,
with eons of history,
of wars
and of bloodletting...

Can
this
ethereal
shine
save
us
?

Nights like this...

When my feelings pull me down
And I spiral into the crushing abyss
Of loneliness, abandonment and loss...

That's when I need someone else...
A soft caress, a call to come back
To ground me, like a lifeline - to anchor me
And stop me drowning--
So I don't drift off into memory and sadness...

The only thing that person from my future needs to know,
Is that I love dancing...

fiction: the figment of a great writer's imagination.

the words, ink on plain paper;
feeble in their existence,
tell me to be *fierce and compassionate.
to have something to love,
more deeply than any being is capable of;
to try...
so that there is something my soul will reside in,
which is not me,
something I can face a fight to death for...

they are not only books.
they are the silent teachings learnt by these authors,
living through hardships.
they are metaphors,
symbols of lessons to be applied in our lives.
their passion, their wounds, living inside of their words;
they speak to us readers,
in their meek mild voices;
to hope,
to have faith,
to believe in something someone beyond ourselves,
to be human in the face of impossibilities,
eve­n through difficult dark times,
to be humble in the face of success­,
to ride our dragons into oblivion,
to hunt them down and slay them like wolves,
to never­ give up...


*'Winter is coming'
'We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on.'
'Do or do not. There is no try.'
'A hero can go anywhere, challenge anyone, as long as he has the nerve.'
'You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it.'
'If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior.'
'We will not just be another piece in their games.'
'Fear doesn't shut you down. It wakes you up.'
'Old things are better than new things, because they've got stories in them.'
'Not all those who wander are lost.'
'We accept the love we think we deserve.'
'Grief does not change you. It reveals you.'
'This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

Let's walk together
This fine line
Of love and hate

Let's find each other
A profound joy
To replicate

Let's learn and love
And laugh with joy
As the world around us dissolves

Let's carry our hearts
And heal through the pain
As our love slowly evolves

rushing in,
rushing out;
running after,
running from;

a soulless journey,
with no direction no passion.
(the end--bathed in darkness)

time travels on,
yesterday today tomorrow;
an endless trail to the left--past
an eternal path to the right--future

it's the same story
in a different narrative;
a book, an essay, a poem:
10 pages, 10 lines, 10 words...

life is an empty surface--not adorned with ink,
not filled with words;
without an image, color
or theme.
(the saddest story--that unmarked leaf)

no meaning no reason.
to nurture and to guide,
to lean on or learn from.

nothing
to feed this blazing hunger--

the blackness of your pupils
is empty.
you don't know
what to long for,
what to dream of,
who to miss...
(someone you haven't met yet)

there's a void in your world,
I can feel it choke you.

nothing
to look forward to.

in this dark abyss, you ache.
for that unforgettable
sated feeling--of completeness, fullness,
like being whole...
(something you've never felt before)

you wish for that eternal shine;
like a part of you,
your element your soul;
warming you,
thawing through the frost
of your broken dead dreams.

hope springs, souring high,
to break that empty shell,
to ease that great soul from inside of you
out in the open--to let it breathe--
finally!

an idea an adventure;
to nurture and guide,
to lean on and learn from.

praying for something anything!
it will feed this dying hunger.

---

there's a light in your eyes,
I can see it shine.

something someone
can break the darkness.
find it,
embrace it,
blaze in that glory;

so bright,
that when the light floods through,
the only one visible
is you.

*(heap of ashes, kindled, into fire...)

'Life is still a blank canvas', he said.

So she told him to paint a house.
All fenced up,
And to color the grass extra green.
(So that temptation wouldn't court him)

'Why that picture?', he asked.

She replied, *'Because no matter where you go,
Your roots should always bring you home.'

'Because even if the sky is the limit,
And you reach it, the greenest grass
Even from way up above,
will always be your beacon.'

'Because change should be a shade vibrant,
Only then change could mean growth.'

'Because that home you build,
Will be your resting place.
After you've conquered your dreams--
It'll be your place of ease.'

'And', she said, 'because marks and goals
are set first,
the course decided later.
Lastly, *because those pictured endings,
are the best place to begin.'

Do you know that feeling?
Of deep certainty...
Knowing the truth in your bones.

It anchors you,
Grounds you to yourself.
You feel assured and confident
Of your choices and decisions...

I wish I could feel it again...
...

All hope is dead.

She is dead,
Now I am free;
She had a will
And her eyes on me.
Her will had strings,
But can't you see,
I tore her strings
And I broke free...

She fought me hard,
But still she fell;
She kept me in,
While I gave her hell.
I was her nightmare
She'd never tell;
As weak she was,
She loved him well.

Her will is dead,
And so is she;
The one she protected,
Is no more free--
The one she hid,
Is now exposed;
The one she loved,
Will be disposed.

It cannot be,
She shares my stage;
She cheated death,
And turned the page--
She's alive inside,
Fighting the wars I wage;
She did not die,
*She's crying in the birdcage...

The light filters through
The cracks of my broken heart,
Crumbling in loneliness;
Decay, eating at the corners;
Within and without...

Slowly the end creeps closer,
Tormenting my tired soul
With memories and nightmares;
Staining my thoughts with hope
To try to live, breathe a little while longer.

Do not look at me like that.
With those eyes that see only what is shone to you.
And you accept all of it.
No questions asked.
No logic, no reason to seek.
No.
I am not just an object you can look at.

Do not look at me like that.
With the judgment of their thoughts
That you so shamelessly replicate
in your feeble, feeble mind.
No originality.
You bore me in your dullness.
No.
I am not who you think I am.

Do not look at me like that.
With ears filled with their whispers.
I can hear them too, you know.
You're not very discreet.
No.
I am not defined by the stories they say.

I am not an open book,
Or a single shade,
Or a monotone.
I feel nothing for their interests.
I am not alive in their ballads of woe.

I am alive in myself.
I am the abstract, I am the obtuse.
My colors, range to infinity.
My stories have happy sad tormenting everafters.
I do not care for their hollow affection or their false ratification.
I am unattached and I breathe fire--
in.
out.

I'm ablaze in my little place of ease.
Even alone, I have found my love...
She was there along.
Residing in me,
It was always--
me.

*I am myself. That is enough.

The world I see
Is colored in red.
I know, I'm the monster
Under your bed...

You cry yourself
To sleep every night;
I speak to you,
Each. Word. Filled. With. Ssspite.

I like your flesh,
It's pink and sweet.
I want to bite it off
And taste your meat.

You're a bird in a cage,
That cage isn't mine;
You refuse to leave
Your self behind.

You're a willing puppet,
I'll play the puppeteer's part;
I'll tear open your flesh
And rip out your heart.

I'll torment and torture,
Till your words are stained red.
*Beware! I'm the monster
Under your bed...

There was a voice in my head,
Someone was screaming really loud;
I heard the voice from a distance,
I could barely make anything out.

I heard a voice at a distance,
The voice was mine, and it screamed;
I was screaming ****** ******,
I had murdered who I used to be...

I am afraid...
Of closing the space in-between,
To read into words unspoken;
Feel emotions raging, left unexpressed,
Listen to aches ignored.

I am afraid--
Of basking in stolen smiles,
To see eyes shining, hopeful even in the dark;
Witness hurt borne behind iron resolve,
Absorb the tenderness of love unrequited.

Everyone I meet is beautiful,
But I am afraid to look at anyone anymore...

Heartache.
It's more than an evening or weekend
Of ice cream and fine chocolate,
When listening to love songs,
Or watching rom coms on the couch
In jammies--

It's in all those nights of crying
While clutching at your pillow,
Begging for some semblance of solace.

It's in waking walking wandering wondering.
While looking down at your chest,
In every other even odd moment of consciousness
To check if the hole in your heart
Is finally visible from the outside.

It's that deep breath inhaled;
To counter the effects of the memories he gave,
That enables you to breathe again,
And the rapid blinking that keeps your eyes dry--
For just a little longer...

It's in re-building that wall.
Remember the wall? The one you tore down
To let him in?
Only, it's a shade darker than the last time.

Heartache is that deep, bottomless
Feeling of drowning
In misery and rejection
From the one person
You singled out from the crowd.
It's that overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia;
Which tells you,
'If you're not with him,
You'll go celibate!'

It's that ghost of a kiss,
That threatens to be the death of you;
It haunts your lips in your pale reality.
It's that hollow heart
That longs for his warmth, his arms
Those dreams of his beating heart next to yours;
Helping you regenerate
Only to be broken with sunrise, in emptiness.
When those unforgiving rays heat up everything,
But you're still freezing...

It's that poisoned apple you ate;
It runs in your veins.
Refusing to be digested,
Causing that overbearing chronic ache
That makes you want to scream out
In pure agony--
Making you wish,
*'If only he stayed!'

those sounds you make
with air and your voice box,
they're all made for me.
the words...that's what you call them.

when you pen down these words for me,
you're knitting my clothes:
black thread
embroidered on white.
always the same always so different.

that's how everyone gets to know me:
with your name, (always) the right fit
like a shoe that goes with every dress

I am the soul of all your creations
that part of your soul
that resides in white
I am all that energy that has bled from you
I am your soul - your soul is in me

I dwell in the blood that sweats through your pores.
I am the thrum of havoc in your veins.
I am the reason your heart beats.
it beats to my name.
you're mine.
you will never forget me.

I am your arrogance
I am the reason butterflies flutter
I am truth, I am redemption
I am lies and smiles
and that story you ache to write...

I am alive in the human touch
that keeps you hurting healing bleeding
tumbling in pain agony hate
through the impossibilities of your humanity.
I give you strength warmth courage tolerance
to go on,
to keep on living
and to keep me alive...

I draw life
from that
weird goofy and frankly whacked out part
of your mind
that thinks
I can talk to you

like

at
this
very
moment...

I heard a sob from behind the curtain,
In the darkness, I strained to look through;
It was not cloth, *that was a bar.

We walk around in solitude,
And stand by ourselves.
Our eyes see each other:
Flesh, and flesh alone is what we see,
It's what we seek.

We want the outer shell.
The soul is just an addition on the inside;
A thing hidden from the world,
That's not to be considered:
Just ignored and suppressed.

We're dominated in our minds,
We're slaves of the likes and the trends,
We want to be who they see us as,
But they, but we, but everybody can only see the flesh;
And that is what we seek.

We won't believe in what can't be seen.
We've grown to forsake the lurking monsters,
They were banished by rationality;
And when our conscience raises it's head,
It's just ignored and oppressed.

We've turned into Automatons;
Mannequins, who can style themselves.
The soul, hidden inside,
Is something that can't be seen,
And so, it isn't considered, isn't wanted;
Only flesh is what we seek.

While our soul shrivels up, decayed and decrypt,
Our flesh, we keep intact.
We swallow the infernal ache,
And plaster the cracks on our smiling face--
And the cries of our soul, we keep repressed.

*For, we care for what they see.
They can only see the flesh,
And flesh is what they seek.

Don't hurt me anymore,
Stop clipping my wings;
Can't you see?
I'm bleeding here in agony...

The torture, the pain,
Why won't you stop?
Just leave me be...
Why can't you see the human in me?

To be beautiful
Is to be almost dead,
Is it not?

Your voice is never heard,
'Cause your face talks too loud...

I hate who they think I am,
And as a result, I hate them.
That's why I don't like a lot of people--
*You see, it's their fault!

The ride of the tide,
A change in its shape,
It's soft glow in the dark...

It seeks the blackness
*And consumes it.

She told them, 'I'm a star, not a circle!'
She's lost her limbs and bows her head;
*But atleast, she is a circle now...

If I ever get where I want to be,
I'd like to be forgotten,
To never be recognized;
To just exist without an existence...
So that I can feel alive where I stand
With every breath, sound, touch;
So that I can witness the world
In all it's entirety
Without standing behind a screen of an identity...
To taste the colors with my eyes
And appreciate the eternity of the world
Without a barrier of an illusioned existence--
*For I won't exist any more,
And all barriers would, therefore, have been forfeit..

I close my eyes
and open them;
I think I saw the world end.

The death, destruction
The thick scent of mayhem;
We thirst for blood as our hearts pretend.

The air is heavy
With hate and lust;
We scatter our anger, we break our trust.

Our war has broken
Our world's crust;
Our swords are smeared in blood and rust.

They turn the truth
In their run for fame;
We all fall down in the pit of shame.

The bitterness shakes,
As our resolve is untamed;
*We are but pawns, to die in their game...

You get up every morning,
When the sun gets up from sleep;
Thinking about the day that passed,
And the memory that you'll keep.

You'll fall in love with hope again,
And begin to hate despair;
But you forget to see how both of them
Come together in a pair.

Time goes on like a rolling stone:
As love is lost and found;
It doesn't mean that you surrender,
And lay flat on the ground.

Life's too short to mope around,
And think of all things bad;
It's a one-time chance so live it out,
And forget what makes you sad.