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Casey W. E. Robinson
Facebook Post

October 7, 2018

Today, I filled out a survey regarding physical, emotional, and ****** abuse suffered within the asexual community. As I wrote down one of my answers, I remembered one of the hardest days of my life. And what made me the most sad, was how invisible my experience was. How to this day, only a handful of people know what I went through. But things don’t change if we don’t tell our stories and so I decided I want to share my story today. Here is my answer to the survey question:

“I grew up Mormon. In order to be married within the Mormon faith, you have to pass an interview to deem your worthiness. Only by passing the interview can you be married in the temple which allows your marriage to continue after death. I was 22 when I got engaged. I was concerned about my future marriage because I am ***-repulsed and asexual. My fiance was aware of this and said she still wanted to marry me, but I was afraid that she was making a mistake. I didn’t know if someone could possibly consent to a sexless monogamous marriage at such a young age and with so little experience. How could she make a well-informed decision about whether or not to give up *** for me when she hadn’t even had *** before?”

“I loved her, but I was afraid. I was afraid we would get married and she would regret the sacrifices she had to make for me. I was afraid she would be unhappy and I would be reminded of my shortcomings every time I looked into her sad eyes. I already felt like a freak because of my sexuality and I was terrified that being married would remind me of how I felt every single day. But I wasn’t just afraid of getting married, I was also afraid of ending the relationship. This may be the only person I’ll ever find who agrees to be with me, I thought. More than my fear of marriage, I was afraid of being alone.”

“A couple months before the wedding, I had my worthiness interview. The interview is done with a Stake President, the highest authority in a local area. I decided to share my concerns in hopes that he could provide me some inspired counsel. What I received was anything but. He told me he would not let me be married. He had seen other men who lacked a desire to have *** with their fiances and they always ended up being ***. And when the man was ***, marriages were destined for failure. He could not let that happen to my poor fiance. He counseled that for me to stay in favor with the Lord, I would have to stay single for the rest of my life. And then he walked me out of his office.”

“With one short interview, everything I planned for myself came crashing down. After 22 years of filling my head with dreams of eternal companionship and raising children, I was suddenly told to throw it all away. Love was for other people, not me. I was too broken. I was a freak, the freak I always believed myself to be.”

“I quickly made my way back to my car so I could have some privacy. With the door shut, I exploded. I felt utterly devastated. I could handle neither the long-term implications of what I just been told, nor the short term implications. I was now supposed to call my fiance, who I loved, and tell her it was over. I was supposed to announce to my friends and family that the wedding was off. They would surely ask me why. And the only answer I had for them was that I was a freak, I was not meant for love.”

“I felt my blood boil as I screamed and sobbed in the car. I was overcome with anger and sorrow. Unfortunately, it was not safe for me at the time to direct my anger at the most logical place it was due - my religion. Everyone I knew and loved was Mormon. The university I attended was Mormon. I could lose everything if I directed my anger in the wrong place. So I took it all out on the only person I knew how to - myself. I found a paperclip in my car and started digging into my arms ferociously. I hated myself for being different and the only thing that could grant me temporary forgiveness was to feel blood trickling down my arms.”

“This was the single worst instance of emotional abuse I suffered as an asexual person. Unfortunately, it was far from the only abuse I suffered. By my early teens, I had already internalized being different as being broken. And to hide my brokenness, I betrayed myself over and over and over again. I joined with my friends in stating which girls in school I would “tap”, knowing full well I hoped to never “tap” anyone ever. I kissed girls and tried to contort my face to show passion instead of discomfort. I made sure to never talk about my deepest fears.”

“And over time as I hid myself more and more, I found that I stopped existing altogether. All that was left of me was a teeny glimmer of consciousness observing as the people-pleasing puppet I created continued through the motions of what was supposed to be my life. I spent years and years of therapy trying to get myself back, but was unsuccessful. I was diagnosed first with depression and later with PTSD. I tried all the medicines, all the therapeutic modalities, and 10 rounds of electroshock therapy. Everything failed - nothing could change the hate I felt deep down for myself.”

“I continued to experience daily suicidal ideation until late last year when I finally found the key to saving my life - MDMA assisted therapy. MDMA is the pure form of the street drug known as ecstacy. By doing therapy while on MDMA, a person is able to feel safe and secure enough to bring light into their deepest, darkest spaces. In the first 2 rounds of FDA trials, MDMA therapy has found a 70% cure rate for treatment resistant PTSD. I am incredibly grateful to be among the cured.”

However, now that I finally on the other side in my own personal healing, what still breaks my heart is knowing that there are thousands of kids and teenagers out there internalizing their differences to mean that they are broken. And just like me, those internalizations will stay with them for years, if not the rest of their lives. Like me, it will cause them to dissociate, to hide, to cut themselves, to attempt suicide. And it breaks my heart to see family members and friends raise their kids in the same environment that has the potential to cause all this pain.

As I see references to the Mormon general conference all over my Facebook wall this weekend, my heart aches for those that are still stuck in it. Stuck believing in a God that asks them to betray their own health and well being. Stuck hoping for a change. I wish so badly I could drag them all out of it. It is hard to transition but it so, so, so much better on the other side.

Over the years, I’ve had some more open-minded Mormons ask me how they can be allies to their LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Here is the hard truth that I’ve only fully learned since leaving myself - you can’t. You can not be a good ally and believe in a God that asks people to betray themselves. You can not be a good ally and pay 10% of your earnings to an organization that contributes to LGBTQ people’s suffering and suicides. You simply can not. You can either walk the tightrope of non-orthodox Mormondom or you can walk away completely. But you can not be both a good ally to LGBTQ people and have an uncomplicated relationship with the Mormon church - it is not possible.

Thanks for listening to my story.
Came up today
Lacey Clark May 25
My childhood
was the spin cycle
on high
and now the water is draining slowly
and the click of the machine after it settles
lets me open the door
J Feb 23
It’s simply not a sprint; it’s a lifelong race;
choices seldom clear in any case.
It’s often tough to maintain a semblance of grace
While questioning one’s place and space.

Oh wicked time she owns her inconsistent  pace -
If not careful - your dreams she can erase.
When her tentacles pull you down you must embrace
A clearer vision before you find yourself off base.

To avoid disgrace
What must we displace?
What trepidation must we face?
Which dragons must we chase?
the trollometer
is a reliable
apparatus
how well it gauges
the trolling
status

of great accuracy
the needle it
employs
which locates
any untoward
ploys

trolls can pop up
wearing a plethora of
faces
theirs is the playing
of copious
aces

the trollometer
never gets its readings
wrong
the inventor's guarantee
is of a precise
prong
Paulina Falomir Feb 2016
Inspiration is born in:

Dark places
Lost cases
Consumed chases
Forgotten races
Empty spaces
Mind mazes
Someone else's suitcases
What life Erases
Displaces
Absent Embraces
Bad places
Sad places
Disappearing faces

So go.
Find your aces.
Dawn of Lighten Dec 2015
Life as we know it is a chance,
But require made hands to dance,
Then **** on everyone with winning prance.

Reading the moving lips,
Looking for people's reactive bits
And que into people's tips.

It's them ballers,
The high rollers,
With stacks of hundreds of dollars,
The ****** know it all white collars.

With them fancy cars,
Hanging in cliquey bars,
Swinging the club in many pars,
As if some royalty bloodline of a tsar.

But in a game of chance, owning a yacht means nothing without a boat!
All those credit cards mean nothing without the proper cards on the table!

Riches mean nothing in a table, nor nice clothes in a game.
Because even kings and queens could fall flat on their faces with those aces!

So let me tell you little bit about this game,
It's reading people to tame,
Where you grind the game without a shame,
Stepping up to no longer stay the same
It's a game recognize your name to a fame.


Just remember the high cards can get you far,
But get beaten by them deus in a bar,

The pairs are wonderful as it gets higher
jokers bring jokes to her admirer,
While the ladies yell "off with their heads!"

In the royal court Cowboys rule supreme,
But those pair of aces undo royalties like puddle of creme.

Two pairs are better than a pair,
And three of a kinds are better than a two pair,
While the wheel is super fair.

Straight line is common winning line
But Flushes them after a dine

The boat takes them for a cruise,
Quads will get them a bruise,
But the nutz are royal flush of hidden ruse!

It's the mastering of perception,
Made hands with repercussion.

Because life as we know it is a chance,
But requires made hands to dance,
And hold onto your winning chips by ******* on them with your prance.

When you have nothing, there is nothing to lose,
Because Hold'em no limit is the purest form of living a life!




,
Became psyched by rewatching the cinematic classic "Rounders!"
J M Surgent Apr 2015
While you wait for me I’ll try and get you to change your mind
While you wait for me I’ll try and get you off mine
Love’s a fickle thing it comes and goes with time
While you write sad songs I’m out underneath bar lights

Because love, it doesn’t go away sometimes
Though you give it all these chances
And love, will put you out of your right mind
Knock the footing off your stances


So fall, fall with me
Until you’re bloodied on your faces
And fall, fall with me
Until you’ve thrown in all your aces
And still you’ll fall, fall with me
Until I’ve found a new replacement
So fall, fall with me
Fall in love with me tonight
Song lyrics.
Lee S Kingley Nov 2014
The Devil and God were sat across from each other.
A simple card game of life they both engaged.
3 Aces God pulled out what a great play, The devil was raged and with it he did say.

"With blood and rage of crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead,
Together with  hellish hate,
I will burn you all--that is your fate!"

God sat quietly and undeterred then came back with these simple words

"In loudest din or hush profound,
My ears catch evil's slightest sound.
Let those who toll out evil's knell
Beware my power your going Down!"

The forth ace was laid upon the table, and with that the Beast was disabled,Back to hell he fled never to return.
Shruti Atri Oct 2014
It's easy to be good at many things,
It's sad to be known for just a few;
It's alright to try everything once,
But it's hard to be an Ace among the crew.

It does take a lot of courage
To accept the norms and later pine;
But to stand up to what you believe in--
That takes a hell of a thick spine!


People call it arrogance,
To walk away from the crowd;
But with time, the one who walked away,
Is the one who walks proud.

Free will is an illusion for many,
It's a social necessity to walk in a herd;
Society accepts you on its own conditions--
Which if not fulfilled, you remain unheard...

There's a monarchy of tradition,
That feeds a monopoly of disappointment;
It's your charity to their egos,
That secures your appointment!



Go, find where you belong,
Amidst this raging tide;
Swim through the mailstorm,
Pull at the chains that keep you tied.

Break free of those psych bonds,
Move out into the light;
Rid yourself of that ancient poison,
And proclaim your own path as right.
It takes strength of character,
And a lot of effort on your part;
To sail smooth through this life,
And still listen to your heart...
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