Pinky promises
and praying to goddesses
a picture of your friends on the sagging shelf
and I know I love you
so much more than you could ever,
ever love yourself.
We plucked wild bluebells
and got sick in the winter-time breeze
I'll pick you up
when you fall down
I'll patch up the scrapes on your knees.

Sugar coated candy
turned into your mother's brandy
still over indulged
but I will be here
year after year
you'll always have someone to hold.
Can't leave you out in the cold
no matter how angry you can be.
Takeout boxes,
a key in your locks and
always a place for me in your coral sheets
we roam the city in outfits too tight
we hold hands in the streets.

Only a fool
when I'm in your room, lose our cool
laughing as our middles concave
with your hand in mine
I've always felt so brave.
We were girls together
and that will never change.

Felt so long like Eros sat in prison,
let my blood pale from crimson.
Until you cast your shadow to my sun
made of all sweet smelling things and neurolysin.
Undid my braid
every tangled knot, and auburn strand; one by one.
I could not define safety, until with you I laid
and showed, to my temple, the steel of gun
see now, even fear is manmade
as the legs of fate's circle on run.

Do you know what it is to feel complete
and still sing the lonely song of sailors?
As your darling walks with slow feet
what thoughts of me, will you savor?
Would never need to see another sky - by makers
so long as I could look into your eyes so blue,
so sweet.
I wish I could say I love you
but I am so new and weak.
So I sit, and stir, and tear up papers;
wait another rosy day for you to speak.
I wish I could say I love you
and you would repeat the words, caught between cheek.

20th birthday
I've forgotten when to breathe
and my mother is my only friend
the last one yet to leave.
I am feverish skin
to March's first chill breeze
tripping over, again and again
afraid to pull my hands from my sleeve.
20 years old now
a full on woman in sheep's clothing
but I don't know how
to live life without loathing
love, and bills, and here and now's.
Myself, pulling on a window that's already closing.

And I built shrines in my eyes to you
to mourn what I never had but still held onto.
Dove into an ocean of profound blue
only to come out still nothing anew.
I look out at fig trees
ponder like the Greek’s great Socrates
question my disease,
the words I can’t release.
My life spinning all around him
orbitals of light grown dim.
Through space you cannot swim
from the sins you have been condemned.
If I am mad as they say
how do I still walk the driveway?
Worship on the Lord’s day;
get down on my knees and pray?

Faithful I am, still, to the life I have lived
however disguised.
Loving, as I will when all has died.
Everything you’ve seen is advertised,
a movie set in frames
the tape up in flames.
How tired she is of playing your games,
mouths running to blame.
Me? I am just fine.
Owing it all to bottles on bottles of sparkling wine,
to you and your redesigned
view of the dividing line.

If you wake a girl from her dreams
the gentle chug of a mind’s machine
will it break down, by all means?
It’s better to let her softly scream.
Than distract from the will of inspiration,
of art and death's flirtation.
Continue the persisting narration
speak her mind, give it standing ovations!

Our world was cemented fresh linoleum tile
you always bent down to reach my voice,
I was so sweet, I feel so vile.
You tell her she reminds you of daisies and August sunshine
I smell out the ***** of cinnamon, I am canine.
Thought you were all mine.

I know she's breathless
as you shake the bed,
dancing dyad, snowed with asbestos.
And I could be edgeless
sand myself down just for you.
Polish every crevice,
I am a god in a teenage body
I could be edgeless
like a marble cast of paresis
settled upon your pew.

Brother moon,
do we dream the same dreams
in the valley of black sheep?
My lover's eyes are the size of you
and I yearn only to sleep.
Beneath the freckled sky, be easy
forgotten, you and I.

Brother moon,
do you weep for sister sun
the way I weep for you?
Can children still on Earth a' run
when you cast your soul's great blue?
Bother moon
will you take me, come afternoon?
To my house of lonesome joy.
Brother moon,
do you dream my dream?
Or are you just another boy,
basking in my gloom.

bring in your hands,
pain and broken daisies.
you cry; like nothing in my arms
grieve for flowers and unsung lullabies.
because you see the whole world as alive
never seen the devil and his harm,
while I live my life through maybes
you refuse to understand.

I'm making myself sick
always mean without meaning to be
repairing fatality with a stitch.
Made of tooth and claw
and violently scratching an itch.

Do you think deer on the highway
causing major collisions,
still get a heaven
are they afforded such visions?
Of paradise with no interruption
for a creature that brought on such destruction
but never meant to harm a living thing.

I'm floating away
and everything around me feels heavy
please tell me why
I'm always spoken to
before I am ready.
I want to be loved
can't seem to put in the work
bottled up my emotions,
here is my cork.
So many strange words and feelings
here is my quirk.
Give you my soul and my body
here is my hurt.

Don't think I'll go on, but I can
my mother is kicking me out
and I've never had a plan.
Fizzled out with your opening
crushed like a soda pop can
so insecure, pushed you away
because you know just who I am.

On such a breathless downward spiral
and I think I'll stay here a while.
baggy shirts and sunken eyes
has become my style.
I'm a muddled, mangy mess, no surprise
I think I'll just stay a child
be soft in my stride
for just a little while
until I learn to get by.

I remember stories, told through grey smoke
recited slowly, under shadowed eyes
as the old, dry toad croaked,
in a rickety melody by my side.
Forgotten romancers would carve
hearts into the husk of pine.
One was told,
time after time:
Two lovers, a yellow scarf,
we are both the same, headless and blind.

Lose all sense when we meet up
I pray you'll rescue me
chase away my sorrow and bad luck.
Rain always seems to pour most
once I'm building my shelter
my poor face as pale as a ghost
and my urgency, burns like a summer swelter.
I need you like the river needs it's bending
to love you is natural,
a broken bone must go on mending.

So take your weathered hands
lead me to the forest
I cannot see, but I feel its stirring.
The finch and the blackbird, chattering chorus
brain dead trusting, so alluring.

There she lay
figure just beyond the rising turquoise spray
spooning sugar right out the jar.
******* her fingers like a babe, woe be to her, far.
Much akin to the salt in the pools by her bay
only so better loved upon the tongue.
So loved better, so tender and young.
There she was - pale feet to sand
in an even fainter dress, lace to be flung.
Sugar, between the creases of my hand,
press her closer
flavor, the monotony of man.
Curls, red, like hills of strawberry blush
lips wide to such wolfish song.
Sweet fingers, mine to touch,
from still night to golden dawn.
And constellations, in her eyes, between her bones,
upon her nose,
sprinkling her thighs.
Anew with confiture was I, filled with her breath
to lose her would be cruelty, to lose her would be death.
Why - do I love her more than what I know to be?
I'm sorry I could only write of heaven,
and not of what she sees.

Your mom still calls me pretty
even though I pretend you don't exist.
I know I've loved you forever
built a house and a bed out of sticks
then burned it all down
like a candle to the wick.
Look at you with such admiration
and I start to feel sick.
Sealed by doom, in 2017
healed by your lips.
Seeking out a brand new lover -
it's you that I miss.
Made out of nerves like second hand china,
always shattered like this.

I hope you'll choose me
repair me, take me to your place
know this rejection is something
I must finally meet face to face.
Calling on your landline, late and weary
it's like screaming into space.
Drove around in a circle
because you always know what's right
with the windows down, I'm blinded
your smile so unbelievably white
and I wish I could stop feeling
like I'm such an ugly sight
maybe then you'd want me
and I'd have less to write.

A funny thing,
the colors of my longings.
Much like watching
autumn pass by
through the windows of a car ride.
A furious compilation
of the various imagined dreams
I will never acquire.

Tonight
the moon flashes a cheshire grin.
I've been walking miles and miles
just to see where you have been.
I'm by your house, I'm at the old creek
places we used to love and we used to speak.
It's a reverie, it's an illusion
emotions from a fire that burns to expulsion.
Chasing away the demons and the regrets
you've crucified my frame
and I know you cannot forget.

To think,
I've been talking with you in dreams
I need to meet you again
and figure what they must mean.
Going to bed early
and losing so much sleep.
I'm dancing with you all night long,
come on, answer me.

The coyotes were killed off years ago
but they still howl the same
and sweet dew settles on green, green grass
soon as mourning doves call your name.
I've been ready for forever
but you still want to play games.

Took a day trip to the beach
just to bury my head in the sand
Restless is the water
changing is the land.
We're miles away from each other
you're holding onto my hand.

Stare down at the shoreline
something fuzzy waving a warning in red
but I only ever learned about surrender
I'm bored and off my meds.
Your dark sunglasses are reflective
it's going to your head
I had a thought, so terribly perceptive
it's just something that I said.

Deep and beaconing ocean
is cold and I am unprepared
choking on my way back to the surface
getting sick on the drink that we shared.
Fruitless journey back to our spot
you could save me, wish you cared,
but you do not.

Talking together about something so strange
you say you like me and the way that I smile -
like I'm kind of insane.
Kiss you like I miss you
like there's an itch in my brain.
I like your bright nirvana thoughts
and the way you never seem to change.

The color of cherries
of blood and wine.
The feeling of passion,
your skin on mine.
It’s on that sweatshirt
and your face too.
A can of cola
my favorite lipstick hue.
The way we always talk
neon lights at 4 o’clock
in the morning.
The kind of color that makes me deny
everything my mother ever told me.
The color of you and I.

The aching burn in the stretch of my lung
pulsing Panama ***.
However furious you loved me much
youth is still a blinding hand; gilded blush.
Bring you closer, in my head-
“Older than your age” he said, he said.
As true as I see growth so near
man of ***** and beard and broken sky
still nibbles, longingly, my ear.
Every tooth I smile, weak and kind,
begs me not to die another time.
Frees me from a waking mind,
breathing fantasies of cheeks, flush like wine
and to have you between the sweat of thigh
part my lips, grace my hips, part the red sea; dry.
By tomorrow I'll be prim as the birch moon we loved by
don't remind me darling, darling mine.

I want to touch the back of your throat
to feel you at your weakest
when I am needing you most.
I want to be in your brain and in your body
like I am the parasite
and you are my host.
Invite me in
the door is shut and
my patience has gone thin.
Everything has it's purpose
down to original sin
you don't have to look so nervous
I only want to be friends.

Be mine, be with me forever
this obsession that grows
you will not successfully sever
until I am done with you
the feast and the pleasure
and I've taken all that I need.
So hungry, I'm all alone
I just want to feed
you are the forbidden fruit
sometimes,
loving feels just like greed.

Second guessing my goodbyes
cursed us back in February
but now it is July.
Found myself hot and running
full sprint, shirt unbuttoned
back to you,
you are something.
Something to chase
and something to hold
a flame worth protecting
a memory, not yet too old.

It's been 5 years
but I still wish you'd touch me again
bring life back to my skin.
My eyes will grow wide like a deer's
blood rush to my ears!
For you I am prey,
and I hope you know, my dear
no one has ever seen me that way
never been permitted to stay
and to smell my humbling fear.

in my coarse sorrow
and aching qualm
i think of febrile tomorrows
for
what am i
but a girl obsessed with winter’s poppies
in a torrid mid-July

Your lips whispered a curse
and brushed against mine.
Soft, like sparrows' wings,
inebriating as wine.
I know I am lost now,
wandering so many city streets
wondering if you'd find me here
and take me off bare feet.
I am calloused, I've become raw.
How can you, so far away
remember me at all?
The lamp lights are turning on now
it will soon be dark.
Tell me how
to live without a heart.

I love you so much it hurts
like breaking a berry from her vine.
Flickering ember of basil incense burns
every memory on your shrine.
I ask the figment of a universe
when will you be mine?
Give me something good enough
a dream of us, a sign.

You've been wanted for so long
how can you hide away inside?
I miss your beautiful face
and I miss your stubborn pride.
Want you to replace
my fantasies,
with kisses so intense,
like a rising summer tide.

So many cards have been broken from the deck
the lovers, an empress, death
I was so beautiful, now I am a wreck.
Look at what you've done to me
my long hair, flushed cheeks, and nothing next.
All I needed
was to leave my lipstick on your neck.
Something to terrify you
into heading my way, West.

If Summer were not but a season
and instead a man.
I would beckon him closer,
put myself in his hands.
We would walk slow
silent as happiness
and from me, would grow
a terrible sprig of tenderness.
Feel his radiance right up in my bones,
lay under that sweltering shadow.
Only, come Autumn, to feel so alone.

Fruits of the Earth's broken slate
juice and sweet and tongue
flowing; reddest spate.
Tonight and forever, we are young
tell me I am not the only one
that wants to live, worshiped by the sun.
Summer whispers in my ear
plump lips, scrubbed skin
boy is water, boy is clear.
Everything that can be, has been.
All and every arm, a' laid in
and every glutinous youth atoned of sin.
Suffocating desire
lust, sing the choir.
Fresh and raw
succulent sugar-dried flesh
after Winter's aching thaw.
Taste me, test me, core and all.

Plaid apron on, don't stop to think.
I cooked all Thanksgiving just for them
dishes are now piled in the sink,
staring a bit too long at the carving knife.
With the countertops glistening with spillage
I'm wondering what I want from life
some sort of contentment, I cannot envisage.
My dad hates his job
my mother loathes her body
and I've learned everything I know from them
every loan and distracting hobby.
Imitation is the finest form of flattery,
I compulsively copy.

Candles flickering,
smells like pumpkin and clove
my sisters arguing in the living room
a *** over boiling on the stove,
it's scalding water seeps right into my mind.
I have no place here,
I hear the ticking time.
Turkey was fattened up all year
and now our dogs crunch on the bones
wonder what they are wishing for
are some things better left unknown?
Brown leaves are falling, with a final breath
they say it will be a hard winter
I'm not sure what is left.

Bottle of herbal gin
but I'm already drunk off this,
your easy stride and devious grin.
I don't know where to begin
laying under magnolia and stars
like childhood friends.
Giving you all of my secrets
my break and my bend.
Please don't ever go sober
and leave Dallas again.

As I walk an all too quiet house
glass under my feet,
I look for the whereabouts,
the place my sanity retreats.
A temple modeled after my greatest intentions
and point of all attention.
I hear the clocks
ticking, a warning - looking, a response.
Reminding my woes
of the sky I'll never know.
This home is made of memories
not concrete nor tile or trees.
Built off of everything I want to be,
how I devote my character to thee.
Silence,
my only tyrant.
My pain and misery,
deliver me
from this toxicity.
Come back, knock at the door
anything to make it louder once more.

You would sit out and soak;
still refuse to see the rain.
Live out those dreaded summers
from the lonely view of a rusted windowpane.

I played house
while you played my Daddy's games
guilt and trip ugly words from your mouth
still, by night, to call my name
when the sky turned to narcotic dust.
So I sketch constellations of us,
ones where, about each other, we feel the same.

Gnarled heart
growing apart
from all I hold dear.
Branches to ribs, oh spears.
I am overgrown
yet never let alone,
twigs and leaves all split my bones.
Outside, looks so trim
but I cannot let him in.
Twisted beyond what is grim.
Forest forever,
wish a man luck on his endeavor
to cleave a gnarled heart down.

Lost childhood
a shattered snow globe on the floor
enchanting glitter and broken glass,
swirling in a mass, I find no cure.
Swept up the shards
that faintly jingled while being discarded
cut myself cleaning the mess
and it scarred
a surface of me that must stay hardened.

So independent
I can live on my own
don't know what's best
but it's better unknown.
I am shaped the way you had me sculpted
I've got a sharpness deep inside
here's the woman that has resulted
from a young girl's need to hide.

Mom
I brought a portrait photo of you
with me to art class
the teacher said
I looked just the same
everyone always told me I was like my dad
I was so happy to be beautiful, that day.

and I know you've said you don't understand poetry
so I'll say it easy
I love you so much
I hope you don't hate me
for what I used to be.
Forgive the broken snow globes
I have already forgiven the memories.