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321 · Apr 2019
Feels
Lydia Apr 2019
Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow
320 · Nov 2019
Childhood
Lydia Nov 2019
This season of life is full of simplicity
predictability
normalcy
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy
320 · Aug 2018
Counting cars
Lydia Aug 2018
Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside
316 · Jul 2018
Problems
Lydia Jul 2018
Why do I pick people with problems, as if I don't have enough already?

I can barely breathe through my own flaws, how am I supposed to love someone through theirs?
313 · Mar 2013
You will never know
Lydia Mar 2013
There are those songs I will
listen to over and over
because
they remind me of
you.
Just a few things he will never know now..
304 · May 2019
Phony
Lydia May 2019
Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
Sometimes
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played
303 · Jun 2024
June
Lydia Jun 2024
I’ve decided we never really grow up
we just keep having birthdays
because every few months
I’m a whole new me again
from the one I was before
I still don’t feel fully grown
everyday creates new thoughts
those thoughts lead to new paths
new paths lead me to
Me
298 · Aug 2018
Do not breathe
Lydia Aug 2018
hold my breath and count to five
I do this multiple times a day to keep myself from losing it
297 · Nov 2018
The one
Lydia Nov 2018
when you find the one
who makes you feel at home
no matter where you are
who brings you comfort and warmth
with only their prescence
who holds your hand on the couch
and plays with your hair
the one who is there for you when you are at your lowest point
and when you are at your best
the one who is also your friend
and keeps you grounded or encourages your dreams
who calls you beautiful and wonderful and cute because they want to
hold onto that love
and follow your deepest truest feelings
our feelings tell us so much more when we tune in and listen
the universe has a way of always guiding you home
296 · Nov 2018
skin
Lydia Nov 2018
I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's
294 · Feb 21
buzzing
Lydia Feb 21
this is that feeling I love
a buzz
like a happy vibration radiating through the skin
my face feels like I’ve been poked for a dentist appointment
my head is swirly and positive and I kind of feel like dancing or complimenting pretty girls on their smiles and their hair
when I close my eyes I feel high
a fulfilling swelling gulps my chest and I’m feeling giddy
oh what a world when suddenly everything feels fine again from a tall alcoholic beverage and a fine February day
it’s not that complicated really
This thing called life
Thirsty Thursday
294 · May 2020
Ignore me
Lydia May 2020
The worst thing you can do to me is
Ignore me
And then think that will solve something
because we will be “calmer” “cooled down” “not angry anymore”
Yeah right
ignoring me only escalates my emotions
giving me time to think is a dangerous thing
leaving me to cry huge tears that soaked my face and my bed and left my eyes red and my throat sore is a careless mistake for a girl like me
Once my heart is cracked open
it crumbles like dirt in your hands
I am not a forgiving person
even if I wanted to be
I don’t have it in me to forgive someone for stepping on me like I am small
Inside I am bigger than you
I just have to find that part of me that got lost somewhere and I’ll be giant and so bright I’ll blind you
292 · Jan 2018
Opening up
Lydia Jan 2018
for me
being open about my feelings
has always left me at a loss
it has led me to hide behind a smile
or smoke another cigarette
in hopes of feeling what I want to
not what I actually do
I have cried more tears over not knowing what I needed more than I'd like to admit
289 · Jul 2024
effort
Lydia Jul 2024
I think it’s hot
if someone puts in effort
I swear
if someone even tried for me
I would *** in a blink
288 · Nov 2017
Love sick
Lydia Nov 2017
I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that
287 · May 2018
Just met
Lydia May 2018
I got so used to being with you
knowing you and memorizing your tics and the way you spoke,
I hadn't realized real time apart
would change both of us to the point that looking at you now only feels like speaking with a person I just met
284 · Nov 2018
A year
Lydia Nov 2018
someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person
282 · May 2018
to you
Lydia May 2018
to the man in my life who has loved me through all my heartache,
all the bad days and good days,
who sees me for who I am,
even when I don't even know where I went
I
Love
You
so
deeply
that
I'm
afraid
I
may
drown
281 · Feb 1
morals
Lydia Feb 1
everyone won’t feel like me
or think like I do
my morality is my strongest suit
it comes with heavy guilt at times
but I think I always do the right thing
in the end
279 · Jun 2019
My feelings kill me
Lydia Jun 2019
the other night I thought I was dying
my arm started to hurt and it felt like my veins were trying to burst through my skin
panic overflowed immediately
and I couldn’t breathe
it hurt so bad I thought surely this was it
it would almost make sense that I would go
from my own feelings killing me
first girl whose own feelings literally killed her
that’s how it felt
like my own thoughts could literally stop my heart
unintentional self sabotage
an ice pack and breathing eventually worked
and I fell asleep so hard I had dreams that I could barely remember the next morning
278 · May 2018
Old New
Lydia May 2018
old me used to be fragile
easy to bend when the wind blew
and quick to drown in the current
emotional and open
I longed to be a stronger girl
independent and free as a bird

new me has her blinds drawn over the windows
anxious and lonely, tougher skin,
I can stand tall and not break,
never allowing my emotions to show
I long to be a softer girl,
willing to let the light in
willing to learn how to be strong but gentle
275 · Nov 2017
Gone for good
Lydia Nov 2017
I thought my heart would break when you finally said goodbye
That I would shatter like glass when you shut the door behind you for the last time
instead I felt nothing
and nothing made me sick
because feeling sad would be better than not feeling at all
275 · Apr 2018
Real love
Lydia Apr 2018
For the first time in my life I realized
Love is not heavy breathing from tears that wouldn't stop falling,
It's not begging someone to stay and then being left only to slam the door

It is not explaining myself in a sentence that goes nowhere
or feeling alone in a room next to the person who is supposed to care

It is not wishing for understanding or the feeling that no one ever will,
The emptiness inside when physical touch is no longer yearned for
or expected

Love is someone who won't go because they want to stay
and sweet hands wiping away salty tears from my cheeks before they even touch my lips
It is ears to listen and a mind to grasp all of me even when I don't understand myself
It is wanting a person for all their worth and loving them for all their flaws
It is soft kisses and giggles and laying in your lap as you stroke my hair

Real love has shown me
all of what I thought was true,
has always been a test,
I know I won't ever have to fall against the closed door ever again wondering how love could hurt so much
273 · Aug 2024
15 minutes over
Lydia Aug 2024
my therapy session was 15 minutes longer than was expected
my therapist was really getting a lot out of me today
even after all these years
when I’m forced to really dissect myself
it’s so uncomfortable
I never cry in front of people
not on purpose
I didn’t today but I felt my throat get tight and my eyes burn a little while words came out of my mouth this afternoon
I think I twisted the black pen in my hand so hard I gave myself a burn
I was trying not to make it obvious that I was bothered
breaking yourself down is vulnerable and feels unnatural when you’re used to no one asking you about yourself
he says the word acceptance a lot and talks about trying to have a more positive inner voice
I see his body slump in a way that’s like a sigh when I agree… but have to add a but…
269 · Jan 2018
wax heart
Lydia Jan 2018
I dipped my heart in wax
so it would always stay

what a foolish thing to do

I didn't realize
that you would ever choose
to set it on fire
and watch it melt in your hands
264 · Aug 2020
Shell
Lydia Aug 2020
I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much
Lydia Dec 2017
tonight I just want to tell you how I'm lonely
how I'm here worse than I thought I was
so instead I grab a blanket and some cigarettes and fake a smile and force myself to be cool
loneliness is a ****** thing
creeping up when I didn't ask it to
like unpaid bills and shoulder pain
how can I be frustrated and sad when I never asked you to stay?
I just continue to do this to myself
open up my heart, confuse happiness with temporary bliss and stumble into a mirror only to see my aching soul screaming back at me
I wonder sometimes, like I have for years, if this feeling will ever go away
if I will ever be able to truly tell myself,
I'm okay
256 · May 2024
doom scrolling
Lydia May 2024
to the women who linger in the restroom stalls,
What are you doing?
Go hang out somewhere else so I can **** in peace,
there can’t be anything on that phone of such importance that you are willing to sit next to me in a stall and listen to my body obliterate this toilet..
A person can only hold it in for so long..
the rest room is supposed to be the one place to let it out,
to have some privacy to expel the days waste without feeling like I’m interrupting your third break today so you can doom scroll Facebook while I writhe in pain on the throne next to you,
as someone who is one of many who suffer in this country with bowel issues, I am just suggesting that if you hear someone’s intestines screaming across the room, it’s time to flush the toilet and let some blood return to your legs so that human can feel better.
Thank you.. sincerely,
the feet under the stall
Get the **** out please
256 · Dec 2023
At this point
Lydia Dec 2023
At this point
It’s embarrassing
I should have this under control by now
At this point
I’m not even trying to impress anyone
Including myself
At this point
It’s all habit
At this point
I’ve come to accept I may not get better
I googled how many calories a woman my age is supposed to eat in a day
and I don’t even come close to half of those most days of the week
I’m not proud of this
I lie to my fiancé about how much I eat and that I’m full when I’m not
I don’t tell anyone that my stomach hurts all the time
or my intestines, or whatever it is that hurts
I don’t tell anyone that everything I eat I am counting the calories in my mind and calculating just how many steps I need to do tomorrow to counter act the food I just ate
I go to therapy but still haven’t fully brought up my eating disorder
to be honest, I haven’t felt like I should because I’m still up walking around
I still go to work everyday
No one is telling me I look sickly
So I just go with that
But I know the truth
The fact that I feel like crying when I know I haven’t had enough to eat today and yet I make enough money to feed myself
The fact that I have the ability to eat and I love the way certain foods taste & yet I never let myself full enjoy anything
I feel like crying when my stomach hurts so bad I can’t get up off the toilet because my intestines are killing me
I feel like crying when I get a sick satisfaction that I can feel my hip bone pointing out more than usual
I feel like crying when I realize I can’t help myself
At this point
I know better
and yet my brain doesn’t seem to give a ****
Trigger warning: eating disorders
I am not trying to make this seem cool or great or good
I just don’t know where else to pour it out
250 · Sep 2018
lonely
Lydia Sep 2018
I don't like being alone
I used to have this false idea that I loved having all the time in the world to myself
that I missed the days of it just being me me me
and then every single time an opportunity arises,
I am only left feeling empty
and anxious
and lonely

I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm standing in the dark,
sometimes other people make me feel more lonely than I ever could have imagined while being on my own

lonliness is a disease only someone you love can cure
Me recently
248 · Apr 12
What feels good
Lydia Apr 12
I’ll take the test
And fail it on purpose
Because
I wanted to
246 · Aug 2017
It just isnt the same
Lydia Aug 2017
I guess after so many trys
and so much time,
it really is best to look forward when
what was had is lost forever

no matter how hard I try to look
or even however hard I might force myself to want it to be the same

It just isn't

I've always been interested in hearing other people's dirt on their relationship
probably because it's nice to know someone else out there is just as miserable as I am

Happiness in a relationship is all temporary
A facade of what people think is normal life
Rather fake it till you make it
over actually going out and being it

But I don't want to spend my life
being quiet and silencing my soul
even I can't tame my heart to a truth it wasn't meant to have

I've always lived for someone else
this time I want to try to live for me
245 · Aug 2024
figure
Lydia Aug 2024
I do this thing where
I think I have it
All
Figured
Out
For five minutes
these moments of fleeting in denial
that I have anything I need to work on,
that anything is even wrong with me at all
I’m fine,
I just needed a trim after all
I just needed to talk to that one person
I just needed to take a nap
I just needed a night out
I just
I just
I just
and then the ******* demons crawl right back into my head and I’m like,
there you are
244 · Jun 2019
Panic attack
Lydia Jun 2019
Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of a panic attack?
It’s not easy
It doesn’t really work
your heart still races
and your blood still feels like
it’s flying through your veins
your vision still blurs
and your thoughts don’t make sense
your breath comes in short waves
before you know it
you’re already in it
so just try to lay back and feel it
244 · Nov 2018
Me
Lydia Nov 2018
Me
everyone thinks they know me
but they only the version of me that they have instilled in their mind
based off of jokes, or conversation or encounters
there are a hundreds of me out there walking around with all the people I've ever known
assumptions or truth or false information about who I am swirl around me in all the day to day life
all of these versions of me have me mixed in my own cocktail of loneliness
even with all the ME in the world
I still dont even know who I am
239 · Jul 2019
life
Lydia Jul 2019
I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it
236 · Feb 1
Secrets secrets
Lydia Feb 1
I know
So many
Secrets
About so many
People
I could just
Three
Two
One
Blow up their tomorrow’s
By revealing what they did
yesterday
236 · May 2019
Cake
Lydia May 2019
you made me a cake from a box  
added the ingredients and mixed it all up
set the timer and watched to make sure it didn’t burn
took it out and let it cool
then covered it with bright pink icing
then scattered sprinkles on top
you made me something sweet
because you’re not
235 · Jan 2019
Lost
Lydia Jan 2019
I have always lived life like I am blind to the reality of what it really is
it’s only in faint moments do I realize what is actually true
that I’m not as happy as I come off being
it’s not as perfect as I sometimes feel like it is
I’m more sad than I let people know I’m just really good at hiding at this point
people in my life do not really care like I would like to believe
I am actually alone in this world no matter how many people I surround myself with
or who I’m with
I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m lost
233 · May 2024
soft
Lydia May 2024
when my chest gets tights and I start to feel like I can’t breathe,
grabbing onto you steadies me,
just the heat from your skin and the energy of you is enough to heal me,
I feel like a little kid gripping my favorite stuffed animal,
a soft blanket of your warmth wrapped around me as your words of patience and kindness surround my anxiety
you’re too good for me
229 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Lydia Sep 2018
Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?
227 · Apr 2018
Past
Lydia Apr 2018
it happens in almost a daze
in the middle of my day, brought to attention,
a memory,
hits me like a ton of bricks
I will remember how we used to drive through parks and talk
and how I felt like there was such a future there,
on a sunny day with the windows down and a warm breeze in my hair,
but in a flash
another memory of you stomping on my self worth
hurts me all over again,
like when you once told me I was the only person you'd ever known who made you as mad as I did,
or how I cried too much

and I still struggle to live in my life today,
being so used to the past that I'm still realizing my present isn't what it used to be,
my life now dosent deserve to have me
take out my past on what could be my future
Im just a mess of a girl so jumbled around I don't know which way is up or which is way is down

I may be moving but time still stands still,
surreal circumstances almost knock me to my knees,
when one thing reminds me of my past all I want to do is run,

letting go is more about holding onto things so hard you break them instead
222 · Dec 2017
For 3 days
Lydia Dec 2017
for 3 days I cried
like a waterfall overflowing
my tears were unstoppable

and it was like every little emotion I had bottled up
attacked every nerve and every cell in my body
my soul was weeping for what I had lost
my heart had just finally allowed itself to break

all those hours I cried over you
over what I had done to you
over how I had hurt you
and how I had lost you forever
all those minutes I spent in agony
feeling like my insides were being ripped in two
I hurt over you
all those seconds I beat myself up trying to find a solution, a choice
I never once made myself an option

3 days later I woke up and realized I had been crying over everyone but the person who deserved it the most
Me
I should have spent those tears on the person who needed them all this time
I was writhing in agony over who to choose and not once did I stop to think,
I am the ******* choice
I do not deserve to be made to split myself open so painfully for others
when I deserve to be planted deep in my own ground and stay rooted in my own soul

I am already everything I've ever needed
it was the pain that made me believe I was not
the fact that I loved others so deeply that led to me believe I wasn't capable of giving that love to myself
it was the hand that plucked me up like a flower
and tried desperately to keep me alive with a vase and some water
when my roots were not meant to be confined in the first place
221 · May 2024
A list of love
Lydia May 2024
I notice the small things that he does for me
the ones he may think are insignificant
but those are the times that I feel loved the most
He gets me a coffee every morning on the weekends, he knows exactly how I like it
Every Monday is trash day and he takes it to the road before he leaves for work and brings the cans back to the garage before he comes in after
He notices my laugh and lovingly notes my little snorts when something is really funny and loves my big smile because he knows it is genuine
He will lay under the sheets on my side of the bed to warm it up for me before I get in
On my days where I am not feeling it, he doesn’t take me personally and let’s me have my space
If I am not feeling well he wants to bring me medicine at work
When we sit on the couch he will put his hand up under my shirt and lightly touch my back with his fingers or if I lay my legs over his lap he brushes my skin with his fingertips
He knows my anxiety’s and knows when I’m not feeling good and will help me to feel better
He never calls me by my name but instead calls me baby or honey
He will handle the raw meat because he knows it grosses me out that it gets under my nails
He points out little things that my son does that he knows I will enjoy and laughs at my little boys jokes and silliness
He is always ready with a packed dab for me
He grabs for my hand as we walk
As soon as I wake up he always greets me with a hello, or good morning or you’re so beautiful even when I don’t feel like I am
He knows my faces that I make and what each one means
He knows all the ways I like to be touched when we make love
He doesn’t ask to drive he just gets in the drivers seat because he knows I don’t want to
He texts me throughout the day sometimes to tell me he loves me or misses me and always lets me know when he makes it to work
I catch him looking at me randomly sometimes and then gives me that sweet little smile
He loves to watch the birds in our yard and gets just as excited as I do when we see our cardinal couple out back
He points out the flowers in the beds when they bloom
He looks happily at my legs when I wear shorts
He turns the seat warmer on in the car for me before I even get in
He knows me so well
He loves me so well
On any day that feels like life could be better
He makes every day good by just being in it xxxxx
213 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Lydia Nov 2017
you
make me want to say things
I swore I'd never tell again
212 · Aug 2020
When I left
Lydia Aug 2020
I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me
212 · Jan 21
dissection
Lydia Jan 21
why do I hang onto the end of every sentence like it’s a secret code waiting for me to answer
208 · Nov 2018
November
Lydia Nov 2018
I just go with whatever my mind is telling me to do without thinking twice
and sometimes when it's over, that scares me,
how irrational my brain can be when I'm having a panic attack
my mind blanks and my legs go numb and I feel scared scared scared
for sometimes no reason
I try to not get stressed because stress makes it worse
I haven't had a panic attack in a couple weeks and I thought they were over
207 · Jul 2024
snail
Lydia Jul 2024
this morning I’ve already done the thing where my brain attacks itself and starts to wish things upon myself that would keep me from having to be a human,
or I start to pine to just be a snail,
a slimy, low to the ground, nothing to do,
snail,
I’d be green and I would take my time, scooting along munching on a leaf as I passed it by,
being spineless may feel weightless, I bet my back wouldn’t hurt,
maybe I would take a nap in the sun and then die and not even know
204 · Nov 2020
Liar
Lydia Nov 2020
I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times
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