Dear love,

I know it's too much to ask
But please bear with my constant insecurities
My constant what ifs
I will never feel 'enough'
But I'll try my best
I'd get competitive with your past
Forgive me
If I always feel I lose
To the ones you've loved before
For they are everything I'm not
Thank you

I've freed myself from the shackles
that restrained myself from loving my body.
And so your remarks about me will be in valid

So I've been thinking tonight
I put a serious thought on
how come you managed
to fall asleep so easily tonight
knowing you've said something
broke my heart and made me
feel unwanted in my early morning

Me: A series of fifty-five emotions
interchanging every ten minutes
love me, adore me and I shall grant you your deepest wildest dream
upset me, disappoint me, and I shall consider you dead

"you laugh too much; or not at all"
to the statement i frown,
and find myself in disgust.
i don't wish for people to see
what I'm trying to hold against;
but i wish they knew I'm struggling
with things they wouldn't win over

I wonder if once i died, will i still feel depressed and wanted to die?

"do you want to leave?"
he asked, his eyebrows arch with curiosity

"I will leave if you ask me to"
tears slipped under my left eye, unable to bear the pain

"you're not going anywhere"
his arms caught me and he hugged me tight,
so tight that I assume my broken pieces have sticked back together

when the evening gets drunk in the level of my knees,
when every clouds gather in one room with umbrellas
I begin to question every existence i met today
how a dog is called a dog and why they are animals
why human is not in the same class as them

the distance is sickening
and I wonder if my breath ever travel
to reach you
I wonder if we kissed
during the dull nights
when you said it will be okay
and everything's going to be alright
and you were here and you stayed
where are you now?
are you still breathing?
do you miss me as much as
the stars glow in my lonely night?

Musics ringing
Lights dancing
You'll find me on the dancefloor
Probably no
If you're sure you're my fate
And more than just my destiny
Find me in the smoking room
With a glass of orange juice
And 'The Great Gatsby' novel by the other hand
You won't bother to tell the others
Where you met the love of your life

"And I hate it when you overeact, you'll go with your stupid poetry ****"

There, you pushed the red button which send me right off the cliff
Freefalling from my only sanity

How do you expect me to react to your most destroying words, should I shut all my nerves and be your punching bag?

And why do you mind my stupid poetry **** if they speak nothing about you?
Well I guess the shoe fits you perfectly
And you feel attacked
And you don't like being cornered
So you lift up your gun
So that my head will end up below your knees
And if saying sorry means decreasing the air in my lungs
I'd be dead long time ago

Being sorry for not doing things in your prefered way
Being sorry for not saying yes to whatever you request
Being sorry to make you feel bad
Being sorry to ******* FEEL

You won the war,
And I'm the one living with fresh open wounds for years

Living
shouldn't be this complicated
why it feels like all of us
are in a race against each other?
who has the fancier job
who has the more sophisticated house
how far is the finish line?

Dear feelings,
I'm sorry that we are often being dismissed
I'll stand guard protecting you
from the people who's slowly becoming
someone who they said they won't be
whose mouth full of sweet words
whose real tasks aren't fulfilled
Nevermind them
We'll stay constant
in the midst of fickle hearts

That little moment when I remember of your absence,
is like I'm aware of my breath out of sudden
or being conscious of my eyes blinking
just like that
and you evade away from my mind

As I grace myself into being 26
My idea of happiness has becoming simpler
It could just be a free drink from a colleague
Annoying my partner and see him pout
(No he's not mad)
Or seeing the clouds roll on a Sunday afternoon
It could just be a long walk with him
And you talk and talk until you are out of topic
It could just be an arm around your shoulder
Or a cup of hot cocoa
My philosophy of happiness has been complete

Turn down the lights
It's too bright
I cannot see any faces
Just shadows looking up on me
Take me down the stage
I don't like the feeling
Standing alone on spotlight
I'm lonely

Mom asked me a simple question
'What do you want to be?'
So I answered proudly
'I wanna be an astronaut,
simply because I want to thank every each
of the stars and the galaxy,
for taking care of you and letting me have you
in my humble life'

the lighting didn't strike me fast enough
before the sound of my heart cracked

I contemplate
the wonder of why people
only remember us
when they are in need
only to realize
we only need an umbrella
when it rains

I hate to remember when
your eyes met mine
when we laughed too hard
I hate to remember when
your hand touched my thigh
and you whispered 'mine' in my ears
I hate it the most when
I tasted a hint of lie
right after your lips touched mine