Occasionally, somebody comes along and unlocks
a part of me, that I never knew existed.

Sometimes, I am okay with that,
welcoming, the rush of warmth that floods my body.

Then occasionally,
more often than not,

I mess up.

Time, and time again -
never learning but always loathing.

I have changed though,
yet it appears it's too little, too late
and those that could have been an option for
joy, those who could have held my very own
personalised key to happiness,

have left already.

I have to move.
I have to get up and brush myself off and start over, again.
I need to feel the energy surging through me,
pulsing, throbbing.
I need a sensation that is merely a distant memory,
feeling alive.

I know I will eventually move.
Sometime, soon, maybe.

I have to move,
Get up and go -
travel, run, explore.

I need to live again.

It's been a long time,
Since I smiled sincerely, or
built up the confidence to start over.

It's been a while since,
I've felt the sun and all it's glory
shine down on me.

It's been a long time since,
I've explored my emotions and put pen to paper,
always pushing words aside,
saving them for later.

It's taken a long time,
but now I'm back,
and from now on, these emotions
shall not get suppressed,
but addressed.

It's been too long.

Bus number 231,
A journey into the unknown, butterflies fluttering in my stomach -
nerves beyond those of which I am familiar with.
The silhouette of you matches the figure of which I had in mind,
you walk - or rather, stroll - up the lane, a puzzled look upon your face as my bus innocently sweeps past, the warmth of the summer air blowing your hair back in exasperation.
Buzz
Then buzz again, of a different kind.
The spring breeze wafts past me, teasingly.
A singular pavement winds up to you and eventually we meet.

Of course I survived that Sunday afternoon.
Of course I made it to that dreaded Monday-morning.
An overcast afternoon as I set off, four-seventeen,
rain droplets thumping against my umbrella which shrieked with terror.
Pathetic fallacy, the foreshadowing of what was to come.
Your house, on the top of that hill, an uphill climb
with an even worse descent back home.
Crawling under your duvets, suffocated in love more than you can imagine yet an hour later, and the comfort of warmth and shelter is stripped away from me, like one would strip a bed of it's duvet-cover.
Five-forty-five, as the clouds thicken and rumble with excitement, shuffling sheepishly down the stairs,
I pick up my coat and various belongings.
Your dog whimpers, but he's not as sad as I am.
Maybe this time I'll leave, and won't come back.

People write about people,
that make them cry with joy or burst
with happiness.
I talk about people,
that break hearts and move on without a second glance back.
Association.
Disassociation,
mixing with the wrong kind.
Merging with those that wave their middle-finger to the world.
If I don't veer from them soon,
One day I could end up like those
people.

Now,
I'm not one to wallow in the depths of my own despair.
What a waste of time,
I'd rather be jumping for joy in the paradise they call life,
such a blessing to live, to be alive
or so they say.
So when you display emotions of comfort or love towards me,
am I wrong in thinking that you are growing fond of me?
That perhaps we could be compatible, jump through life together,
or at least for the foreseeable future?
Was I wrong for mistaking your soft, heart-warming-now-heart-wrenching, messages as a sign that possibly, you were mine?
Then how so, is it, that I turn my back for a second and you're gone?
'There's nothing wrong with you, it's just she is something else'
Oh well, forgive me whilst I weep, forgive me whilst I sleep
the pain away, forgive me, for apparently, I have sinned.
I'm still not one to wallow in the depths of my own despair,
what a waste of time, but time is no longer of the essence, so I shall do as I please, turns out I was wrong.
I always am though.

Ripped jeans,
And beneath: torn ligaments
Fractures, bruises, scratches.
The pain, is no longer prevailing.

Such a thought to think you can't think
of anything worse.
Such a situation to be in.

Standing, leaning, slumping.
Collapsing, wallowing, lying.

Cold coffee,
Still warmer than your heart
that has grown colder than the Arctic in the winter.

One of these days,
we shall look back and laugh.
Tears joyously trickling down our cheek.
We'll wipe them aside and resume our stories
of which are filled with sorrow, yet shine brighter than ever.

This time I am determined,
that trophy of superficial happiness shall be mine.
It is my time, to shine, to dine, merrily, be the star that never shone.

If I could gather your attention,
Just for one second of your time,
because time is of the essence.
I would like to raise a glass,
to my shimmering, glimmering, future.

Long live this temporary sentiment.
I shall be happy, for as long as possible.

"Just stop messaging, ringing me etcetera.
What happened, happened.
Move on,
please!"

No pause, no hesitation.
He continued

"I don't want to be mates etcetera.
I just want to focus on the next step in my life"

He concluded,

"It's nothing you did, I just think you're not
what I'm looking for really."

If you were to look closely,

You'd see;

How the shadows follow their helpless folks at night, perhaps lost themselves.

You'd see;

The eery echo of footsteps belonging not to the human themselves, but their thoughts, their paranoia

For they're not alone, they are never alone

Hush! Hush!

Don't let the them know you're listening -
Don't allow them to control your very existence,

What do you hear at night?
When all is quiet and the gentle buzz of life has composed itself, now simmering

What do you hear at night?
Silence? Or worse, the benign yet firm whisperings of your mind.

If you were to look closely,
(which I suggest you do not)
You'd see things beyond your realm of understanding.

Don't look, don't ever look closely again.

He said with such ease 'I'm going, I've had enough'
He added, 'I don't love you, things have got tough'
I didn't cry, nope, wouldn't give him the satisfaction

I whispered, barely audible 'I still love you, you know?'
I added, 'It's hard, but, I'm not ready to let you go'
He didn't respond, he wouldn't face me for the rest of the conversation

And if this is what a breakup feels like,
I don't want to ever give away my heart to anybody else
Not ever, never.

I don't want to waste my affection, so tender and genuine
On somebody who is going to throw it back in my face, forcefully,
turn on their heels, and walk away.

It hurts, like a needle, pricking your heart.
It hurts, like a pounding headache after an enjoyable night out.

You need to understand, I don't need somebody to hold my hand
But I need support, comfort and love.
As if what I've given to you already, isn't enough.

He said, once again, 'I'm leaving, and that is that'
This time, I said, 'Fine then, off you go,
You ****'.

I know,
There must be some males out there,
who care
And I know,
I may be overreacting, I think.
But, I also know,
That it isn't okay, or funny or clever
to mess around with peoples' emotions, whatever

You know
That there are females out there,
that care.
And you know,
I may be overreacting, perhaps.
But you also know
that it isn't my fault, not this time, not now
it's completely yours, and you've let me down.

There was no knight to rescue me
that night - just a gentle breeze, whispering the secrets of the earth
The cheering of cheery companions taunt me -
Go and join in, have some fun
The night is sweet, the night is young
Empty glass bottles fill the house,
Not yet shattered, but waiting to be
The clinking of alcoholic beverages between each merry soul
Good to see you again my friend,
Good to see you again
Somehow, some thing is missing
Something isn't right
The gentle hum of the party's vibes as it swings into life
distracts me from my sole intention:
Keep a low cover, don't make any noise
Keep a low cover, stay away from the boys.

Because,
I love you dearly, but
I think you're an idiot.
So delicately strumming on
My heart strings
So tactfully selecting your words,
The ones that will burn the most, hurt the most, yet,
spark the fire the most -

How long does it take until you begin to realise,
Until you remember just how much of a fool you really are?

Do the heavens have to open and release all hell,
Do the gun echoes have to ricochet right through my heart?

Does the sun have to take a morning break and delay it's early rise,
Does the moon have to shy away into the depth of the clouds?

How long does it take until you begin to realise,
That something isn't right?

I've been an idiot,
A prospering-now-spiralling-into-decline-fool.

Something made out of nothing,
The new and the renewed.

Today I feel sad,
Not convinced about this life.
Such a strange, strange world.

Today I'm resting.
Taking a day off from life.
Start fresh tomorrow

Morning, a cake sale
Such sugary pleasures here.
Eat, and eat some more.

How lovely you are,
Something of a miracle,
You are a treasure

I must stop thinking
That I am something special
Because I am not

I am barely holding on,
I am just clinging now.

As the darkness fades, so do I.
Time tick-tocks,
On, sweeping away my bitter remains.

As the light teases my tearful eyes, I cry.
Time has stopped tick-tocking.
Off, nothing works anymore,
The now powerless mechanisms come to
An abrupt stop.

Likewise does my body, the whirring,
Pauses momentarily -
Catching their breath, and sighing into Action once more,
Perhaps for the final time.

So ****** happy
Ridiculously in love
Nothing can stop me

Believe in yourself
Never give up, remain strong
It is impossible

Somebody told me
To learn, to start, letting go
I just can't do it