You hated the smell of cigarettes 

So I stopped smoking 

Even when you're long gone

I still haven't picked it back up

Because I am still hopeful

That you'll come back

Bumping into you, talking to you

And still showing 

I cared about the little things 

After all this time

You must be proud of me
Proud that I have moved on
Proud that I have taken a step
Admiring the progress I made
Silently happy for me

But I am not proud at all
I am not proud of this progress
I am not proud of these scars
You gave me shameful wounds
That my heart has to bear

You were my pride and joy
You were my future and hope
A partner, a lover, a friend
Now look where that got me
A broken heart for all to see

Retelling the stories of us
Brings great shame to me
Making me look like a fool
Why would I be proud of
The hardships you put on me

You are not proud of me
Surviving the heartbreak
Or how I carry myself with pain
You are proud of the scars
That still carries your name

Can you tell me
How it feels to be disconnected?
Was it string by string
Or did you rip it off all at once?

When you looked at me
Did you see the color in my eyes?
Or did you see black and white
Before you looked away?

Was it hard?
Hesitation, doubts, guesses
Or was it easy?
Simple, quick, effortless

When we touched
Did you feel that electricity?
Or did your hand
Only felt an object?

As I loved you
Did you love me?
Or did you just
Say it awkwardly?

When I thought of you
Did you think of me?
Or were your thoughts randomized
With everything but me?

I asked how it felt
Because I am still connected
To someone who is gone
Who pulled away so effortlessly

A red string of fate
Severed by you
And I asked myself
How can I do the same?

I want my hope to go away forever
To silence its tiny voice in my heart
Get away from me
Shut up and leave
Don't ever come back to me
Yet that tiny flame burns brightly
What do you want
Just stop it already
I want the hope to finally die
Die like the way I died that day
Time has passed
So give up already
This hope of mine torments me
It gently brushes its hands on me
Reminding me
Whispering to me
I want this hope to finally let me go
So that I can finally let you go

I wished you yelled at me
Strike at me, scream at me
Curse me with all the words
Look at me with hatred or disgust

Instead

You stayed quiet
And you let go gently
Whispering those words again
With eyes of hope and heartbreak

Why?

Why did you still love me?
Why did you make this harder?
Why was ending this so **** difficult?
Why did you not end up hating me for it?

Oh

Now I understand
It was hard for both of us
But you were able to live with it
While I can't live with my own choice

I still mourn for you
Although you're alive
Living a normal life
I mourn for the future
That had you in it
I mourn for the death
Of the dreams we had
Crying every night
For a love lost once
I mourn for the version
Of us smiling together
I am pleading with anyone
Bring back what is gone
Because I am tired
Of mourning the loss
Of whom I loved

My greatest fear
Is forgetting how you smiled
The sound of your voice and laughter
Forgetting how you held me 
Forgetting the color of your eyes
My greatest fear
Is forgetting the traits you have
Forgetting our anniversary, our meals
What were your habits and moods
Forgetting everything we had together 
My greatest fear
Is forgetting everything about you
Only to be struck remembering 
How much this stranger
Meant to me

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside

The greatest lie you ever told to me
Was sealed with a kiss
That passion, desperation, clinging to mine 
You lied fiercely to me 
You pressed it to my lips as I believed it all
Lying to me repeatedly 
But my heart begged for more of your love 
Lie to me more, please
Because every time we do, I gain some hope
That this wasn't the last
That we had so much more in store for each other
We held on for so long
Both wanting to make this our permanent truth
Once again
I fell for the lie, the promise, that you will always
Come back to me

What I hate about myself
That is so pathetic and weak
That I despise so much 
Is that you can yell at me 
Call me names, throw lies
Throw all the trust back at me
Even hit me, scratch me 
Make me hurt and cry
Make my heart beg 
Make my voice loud
You can do all those things
Yet I know **** well
The moment we both 
Finally grow quiet and calm
The moment your golden eyes
Look upon my eyes, my soul
What I hate about myself 
Is that I would still love you
I would love you wholeheartedly
Through the pain and anger 
The guilt, regrets, wounds 
I will still love you through it all
Even through gritted teeth
Even through running tears
Even with a broken heart 
I will still love you through it all

The voices that I used to hate

That berated me, hated me

Filled me with doubt and fears

Depressing, anxious tones

A chorus made of a broken soul

At least those voices of mine

Tell me that they love me still

After what you've left me as

I knew the ways you wanted me to love you
I knew all the languages of love between us
The touching, the actions, the words, emotions
I knew how that spark felt between our hearts
I knew how to whisper those words to your soul
Unfortunately, I wish I knew the languages or actions
That could have made you stayed

Nice and slow
That's how we loved
A day at a time
Falling deeper and deeper
Forging bonds
Every second together
Exciting and new
A life growing and growing
Until eventually
We reached our tallest peak
How quickly
We crashed and burned
We dropped 
Just like our hearts did
A divebomb 
That broke everything 
The lowest point
Is what we ended up with 
Nice and slow
That's how I recovered
Horribly fast 
Was how you moved on

Tell me that you hate me
Say that you find me upsetting
Get angry, get spiteful about it
Block me from all of your socials
Erase the photos and my number
Tell me that you'll never come back
Throw it all back to my face
Please tell me that you hate me
Otherwise
I would still have hope

Was it my greed?
Did my desires get in the way?
I wanted it all, everything
The future, the hopes, the love
Your dreams, your desires, your thoughts
I want it all, give it all to me
All of you, the good and bad
The doubts and fears you have
The happiness and laughters
Let me devour it all, take it all
Anything of yours is mine now
Those smiles, eyes, kisses
Fill up my greed with all of you
But was my desire reckless?
All I ever wanted was you
Was that too much to ask for?
Was my greed for you too much?
All I ever wanted was everything
Everything with you, by you
I wanted to take it all
Because you had all of me
Your greed outmatched mine
So why was my own greed
The one that failed the most?
Why was your greed acceptable
When it took everything from me?

I punched that mirror
Over and over and over again
My knuckles bloodied
Hundreds of shards on the floor
Yet no matter what
Even as I kept smashing it all
Each shard is still
A reflection of a broken man

Like the Grim Reaper
You took the life I had 
No scythe, no robes, no fear
Just a longing, desperate kiss
A look of yearning, a smile of love
I may still wake up and count the time
But my heart is long gone
Death wasn't cold or hard 
It was warm and soft
An embrace from an angel 
I gave you my future and self
But that future is dead
And that person is gone
My body is still here
But the hopes were slain
The Grim Reaper herself
Was so beautiful and alluring
I didn't realize she killed me 
Not with a blade of doom
But with a tearful goodbye 
My heart pumps blood still
But my heart lives for no one

I hate you
When you smiled, I smiled
I wanted you to be happy

I hate you
When you were successful, I cheered
I always believed in you

I hate you
When you're dressed up, I gasp 
I am taken by you yet again

I hate you
When you grew, I admired
I knew you were meant for more

I hate you
When you moved on, I stayed
I am always waiting for you

I hate you
When you faded away, I cried
I will only be a memory to you

I hate you
When you were in my life, I knew
I truly did love you 

I hate you
Despite everything, I begged 
That I could actually hate you

If I am not rage, then what am I?

I tried love, trust, patience, empathy

They were accepted out of courtesy

But discarded like an inconvenience

If I am not anger, then what am I?

I tried so very hard, so much time

Just to receive little effort and no time

Just to be abandoned and misled

If I am not anger, nor am I rage itself

Then I am the pain you gave to me

Those soft, delicate hands of yours

That once held me with such love and care

Wrapped me with such warmth and safety

That felt small and fragile when held by me

Those slender fingers fitting perfectly in mine

Tracing my face and lips with eagerness

Tapping me to wake up for a morning kiss

Caressing me for our nightly love

Those soft, delicate hands of yours

I can still feel them after all this time

Wishing that I held them a bit longer

The love I had for you

Made the Gods jealous

But the pain you gave me

Made the Devil laugh

You didn't just break my heart
You broke the future I was working for
You broke the dreams that I always had
You took away the hopes and smiles I had
You took away the sweat and tears I shed
You robbed me from knowing love
You robbed me from knowing closure
You destroyed my sense of self
You destroyed my motivations
You didn't just break my heart
You broke everything that was me

I once called you
My most beautiful flower
The way you bloomed
Thriving with life and color
Twisting and spreading
But like all plants
They needed to survive
My heart was your soil
You took what you need
Until my love was drained
You died in my arms
And those thorns scarred me
I kept watering you desperately
But my tears weren't enough
Did you leave a seed for me
A bit of hope to bloom again
Or was this the last season
You grew with me

You drew me as the villain of your story
Brushing over my lines of kindness
Blotting out the colors with ugly spots
You threw away my features and corners
Replaced them with shades of animosity
My image at the mercy of your delicate hands
Painting me as you wish, inking lies of me
But no matter what techniques you used
What combination of colors or strokes
Or whatever tools you used to sculpt
Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder
But truth is absolute and everlasting
Go on and show off your work to the world
Be proud of the storytelling of your canvas
But you and I both know, beneath the paper
You once called this villain your loving muse
And I once called you my wonderful maker

"If you truly love them, let them go"
But what about me?
I did the right thing
Yet here I am, hurting and crying
Wondering when it will stop
They say that time heals all wounds
But so much time has passed
And the wounds are still there
I did the right thing
But I am punished for it
I let them go so they can be happy
But they left the pain with me

I promised to always love you

Not realizing I doomed myself 

Because I still love you so much

Even when you stopped loving me

You weren't supposed to do that
There were rules, guidelines
You can't just waltz in here
And break every word
No
You were given instructions
How to handle with care
There were expectations
You agreed before entering
Yet
You didn't just trash the place
You left devastation, a mess
Breaking every piece, every rule
You weren't supposed to break me

How could I love like that again
When I pour all of my heart into you
How could I love like that again
When I wasn't enough for you

You gave me a list
A million reasons to leave
But the only reason I stayed
Was you

There's plenty of fish in the sea
But you weren't just another fin tail
You were the gorgeous waters itself 
I drown myself in your passion
My entire world flooded with your love
A hurricane that wrapped my heart
So when you left without a drop
When the love dried to the bone 
And my world is now dust and empty 
How could I ever want a fish
When it was the ocean herself
That filled my love

I will die for you, with a smile on my face
To protect you with all of my life and soul
To bleed and bruise, unyielding and stubborn
A fantasy every man yearned to do for his lover

But the murderer stabbed my heart, my love
Twisted it with the dagger I happily gave them
My most beautiful killer with the pained face
A nightmare every man feared about their lover

I would give up
The world, my life
My soul, my heart
Give everything up for you
But the only thing
You will give up on
Is me

I called you my soulmate
Not because of your beautiful smiles
Not because of the heat from your heart
Not because of your lively laughter
Not because of your flowery scent
Not because of your sweetest kisses
A soul doesn't need any senses
To know when it is in love

I've seen the care you give to animals
From the smallest rodents
To the biggest dogs
You gave them love and homes

I should have seen the signs
I was only a person to you
When you broke my home
When you took my love

You loved animals
More than your own person
Yet you left me
Like a wounded animal