You left without telling me

When am I supposed to

Stop thinking about you

How many times
Do I have to say goodbye
I have said it
Far too many times
Yet I continue to bid farewell
Despite it not changing anything
Despite it not changing reality
I said goodbye each night
Yet when I wake up
The love I have for you
Is still there

He was only a boy

Wanting to be loved

Then he became a man

Who was broken by it

You never stole my heart

I saw you coming

And I just knew

I was meant for you

So you couldn't have stolen

What was already yours

I wonder
If our ghosts
Still love each other

I haven't stopped crying
Even though it has been too long
I may laugh with my friends
Smile with my family
Carry out my days 
And although my eyes are dry
Trust me when I say 
My heart hasn't stopped crying

And every night
I asked myself
The same question
"When will I stop thinking about you?"
And every night
Every answer
Silence

I'll find you in the next life
And the life after that
I'll keep finding you
And I will keep telling you
That I have loved you
In every lifetime
From every beginning
To every end
I have always loved you

I do not beg

I do not pray

I do not grovel

Or cry or waver

But the moment

You stepped away

I would have done anything

For you to stay

Your happiness
Was important to me
Your love
Was important to me
Your dreams
Goals, Aspirations, Passion
Even your 
Fears, Insecurities, Doubts
All of them
Were important to me
You were important to me
And now
The silence between us
Has become
Important to me now

And just when I thought
I was over you
You came back
Like a sucker punch
You left an impression
Then left altogether
And now I have to start over
Being over you

To this day

I still can't say goodbye

Even after

You said it long ago

I wonder which sun are you

Are you the one that rises
Giving me the warmth and light
As I smile at your sight

Or are you the one that sets
The one I will say goodbye
Wondering where you've gone to

Today, I don't know

You're at your peak right now
And I am blinded by the radiancy
Of how much I love you

You were eyeing the exit

With more yearning

Than you had for me

Who would have thought
That a collapsing world
Would look so beautiful
As she turns around
And smiled at me
For the last time

"Poetry in Motion"
Is such an accurate description
For every step you take
Another unspoken word was written
Poems as long as
The distance you placed between us
But I still hope
That you will stop running away
So I can finally
Put my pen down and tell you all the words
To stay with me

The first time we were together, you said

I didn't love you enough

The second time we got back together, you said

I loved you too much 

I am starting to believe 

That you just don't want my love at all

How am I supposed to act now?
One moment, we were like a movie
The main characters of a cheesy script
Fulfilling our roles so perfectly
The next, I find myself acting alone
Do I pretend it didn't hurt?
Do I pretend it didn't happen?
Do I pretend that the only person
Who knows all of me, who had me
Pretend they're not there anymore?
I don't want fame or Hollywood
I don't want to be some superstar
I don't want to have a new set of skills
Of changing faces and attitudes
No coach, no instructions, no guidance
I keep rewatching the moments we made
Rereading our last drafts of conversations
I am no actor or director or screenwriter
I have no plans for a scene or direction
I am just a man
Pretending to not love you afterwards

She laughs at my jokes
She holds my hand
She likes my presence 
She talks to me 
She smiles at me

She does all the things
That you used to do
She's a wonderful being 
But I am a horrible person 
Because I still wish it was you

I have shed enough tears

For the both of us

While you said goodbye

To just one of us

You were scared of the dark

Scared of loud noises and horror movies 

Scared of the uncontrolled and unexpected

But you were terrified of saying 

"I love you, too"

"What is your dream"
I ponder on that question
And I think of you, of us
And I will quietly smile
"I don't really have a dream"
A smile and a shrug 
Let's just move on
Because I don't have a dream
When you're no longer with me

I wish there was a better way
To tell you that you've hurt me
Hurt me beyond repair and time
That the mark you left upon me
Is still there in my aching heart
I don't know a better way to say
How much you've hurt me besides
Saying the same words every day
"I miss you so much"

The first lie I ever told you in my life
Was a simple, tiny “yes”
My pillows are stained with my tears
Feeling how big this bed is to me now
I don't have the willpower to throw away
Our photos, writings, trinkets, promises
Every meal feels like too much for me now
And I still have your favorite bowl
Even finding a strand of your hair
Reminds me of how empty this home is
My thoughts are so overwhelming and loud
While my heart is quiet and heavy
And you stand in front of me, looking okay
And time has been so kind to you
As though your days have pared you
From the fallout between us
Asking me out of courtesy, “Have you been well?”
“Yes”
And your day resumes
While my own life has stopped

It was supposed to be us
Our dreams, our goals, our lives
Our hopes, our future, our work
The family we were supposed to have
The fears we were supposed to overcome
The trials we were supposed to endure
The love we were supposed to save
It was supposed to be us
But now?
It's just me

I told others that your name

Is now a taboo; forbidden to be uttered

Because the mere mention of you

Hits me with everything we ever had

Hits me with everything we could have

Hits me to my core that I get stunned

By everything and anything of us 

So your name cannot be said by anyone

Unless it is whispered by me

Delete it
I keep telling myself
The mornings and evenings
I keep hovering
Over the action

Delete it
The photos and videos
The calendar we created
Your birthday
Our shared moments

Delete it
Just do it
A simple action
The smallest movement
One finger is all it takes

Delete it
And throw it all away
Permanently gone
Your name erased
Storage finally cleared

Delete it
But I am hesitating
And begging
To ignore that button
Another day, another excuse

Delete it
What a coward I am
Delaying the inevitable
It's not right
To still look at you

Delete it
I know I will, I promise
But even if I delete it
It's all stored in my heart
And how can I delete that?

Even when you haven't said a word in years

I am still here, thinking and caring about you

Addiction, Obsession 

I don't know the difference

Nor do I really care 

You're so toxic 

Yet here I am 

Asking for more

You can break me apart

Rip my heart to pieces

Grind my feelings to dust 

Countless bits of me 

Thown to the wind and dirt

Yet each and every one of them

Every part of me

Still belongs to you

You're so beautiful in the mornings
With your wild hair and grumpy mood
Mumbling about the early alarm
Scrunched eyes, looking for your glasses
Saying good morning to me quietly 
Even sometimes still groggy
Even sometimes half asleep 
I get to wake up to that 
And every morning
I get to fall in love all over again

You were my best days
You caused my worst days
And now my days
Don't have you anymore

I still whisper
"Goodnight"
I still whisper
"Happy Birthday"
I still whisper
"I love you"
I still whisper
"I miss you"
Because a whisper
Is all I have left of us

I miss the sound

Of two hearts beating

I write about you
Every single day
Letters upon letters
Entries and poetries
Writing of us, of you
Lovingly and angrily 
Yearning and lonely
Every single night
Chapters and stories
Emotions and thoughts
Thousands of words
Even with all this
You can't even send
A single word back

What's the point of getting stronger

When I break down so easily over you