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4.3k · Oct 2018
Karmen Oct 2018
writing comes like lightning
I'm fighting this writing
tired of wanting to explain things out
I feel more like im drowning
cause knowing you aren't all right
got me staying up every night .
its night out, all alone out
tryna block these thoughts out
pause the flashback of the last call we had
the feelings that flowed out
your heart out to reveal
hit me like lightening
some sort of frightening beauty
it has me sinking
not knowing how I should be thinking
ive wanted this for a long while now ,
and not ever receiving was little pleasing
so excuse me for shrieking
this apology wasn't anything I thought id be getting
you've made me drown  more than known
sinking further in a world of fucken dumb love
you are what I hate when I love , love when I hate
does that even make sense
you make me be better then okay
not many are lucky to say
I know you don't believe me
but it is your world, im lucky to be living in it
your world and lucky I had a chance to be in it.
year gone now I don't know what to say
im not better off , im a disaster since we fell off
life just feels wrong and its taking me on
im trying to stay strong
wish you would only call
then I could keep on
not move on cause I hold onto your flame strong
I know its dumb
but ima be here even if it takes forver long
cause I meant it when I said
ill always be here
even not near
you got me on my feet
can even be a buttdial without a speak
youll have me at my peak
quick away  from weak
just think
you could assist me from this lightning steak
cause im almost knocked out off my feet
waiting to take leave
if we never get to speak
so please
message me when you read
and tell me I better chill before you leave
or you know what I mean at least
too much feel to put words for all that's gone on
2.8k · Mar 2016
Tweaker tweaker
Karmen Mar 2016
Tweaker Tweaker
Did you eat any dinner
And Have you showered
Tweaker Tweaker
How long have you been awake
When's the last time you had real sleep
Or is everyday maintained
W/ 10mins every half hr.
Tweaker Tweaker
Do the shadows still appear
Are the voices the only thing you hear
Is what you feel inside your skin
Even real or just made up in your head
Tweaker Tweaker
Do you even care
The ones you love miss you so much
Do you even care
You've lost your life before 25
Tweaker Tweaker
Please get better
Reach out for help
Put the needle down
Drop the pipe, hear it shatter
Blow away that line you just crushed up
Tweaker Tweaker
It'll be alright
Your loved ones are still near
They still care
Reach out for help
Don't be scared
Everyone only wants to help
Tweaker Tweaker
When you quit
The devil will shout
It won't be easy , count on that
It will be worth it
You'll get to live
So try your best
Beat past this, you'll get through this
Slowly but surely
You'll make to 100 days sober
Reunite with all your loved ones
Employeed with a growing family
Is what will come
When you decide  
It's time to end the Devils game
Tweaker no more,
but a lady or gentleman
Good for you
You've come far
Keep your mind positive
I'm proud of your sobriety
You're living
& now you see why
Sobriety was always worth it
Tweaker no more
Lady or gentleman
How was the meal you just had
Was the shower the best you've had ?
Did you finally get some sleep
Were you able to escape
the shadows and voices from in your head
Tweaker no more
Just admit
This is the best you've felt
Since your first time trying crystal  
You feel human finally
There's no going back
To tweaker island
You won't make it out
The second time around
So hide your very best
Keep yourself busy
And talk out loud
When you feel like
you Might relapse back
into tweakers land.  
With no chance to survive another night
2.1k · Aug 2018
Karmen Aug 2018
Not same am I Renee
Same sane not, who is this Renee know do not know of
Humanism does define Renees sum up sort of
Her travels though this life doe not contain great lies
Unheard voice leaves it’s messages in depth when least expect
If you’re wishing to seek who’s Renee to who you speak
Take a seat , learn to breathe
Repeat after me
Woo-saaaaa ,
Light shutted sight in follow for seconds
Enjoy the earth from your surrounds
Talk little out loud , beginning with name of whom you seek
Desire to hear the message from your head
All ears. You’re pretty clear
I’m near
Renee that remain with depth
Stayed with true care
Rooting for you to have the very best that which whatever you define it to be
You mean more to me
To scare me off or cause fear
I am not lost
Or scared to seek beyond
Just here for here
Whenever you may seek or be need
Don’t be prideful
The Renee you do not know
The Renee you know of from once
They both and other forms , do not judge
Purely goldly just love .
*nudge *
Stay up
High high who am I lol
Replace name with you or change the ranges to whom
1.8k · Mar 2016
You did this
Karmen Mar 2016
Calm and secure you always made me feel
Each night we lay side by side
Hand in hand
Sometimes with my head on your chest
It felt right
Two beats in tune
Each breath released as if it were one
Heart aching for what would come
It knew this wouldn't last
Still I went along
Pretending it would all be alright
I didn't expect it to end this way
Not this fast is what I mean
Thought there would be one last time
Moments like this are rare
Wish I could relive
What love you made me feel
The battle to let go
All too real to be told
Demons I fought
As I lost you in sight
The time went by
Never to be as I once was
Jst.moved on
Forgetting that once upon a time
Each night we shared
I once was calm and secure
1.2k · Mar 2016
Let me sleep
Karmen Mar 2016
2 am
A lot on my mind
Not a bit surprised.
Body aches
Eyes heavy
Can I rest already?
Thoughts roaming
Memories flowing
Mind wide awake
How do I sleep tonight?
Brain hurting
Sleep deprived
Yawning more & more
Slow breathes in
Exhale out
Thump, Thump, Thump
My heart makes
Only sound I hear
Laying perfectly still.
Shadows forming
Darkness becoming darker
Am I awake
Or staring into space .
Unsure of what I know
Dreaming of what will be
Why is it hard to let it all go ?
Body at ease
Perfectly still
Eyes closing each min passed by
Mind wide awake
But empty inside
Looking for my far away land
Journey extended
Next thing I know
Daylight is what's to be shown
Alarm buzzing in my ear
Thinking do I have to awake
Did I even really sleep ?
Was it all my sleep deprived mind
Playing tricks on me again?
I don't know
But truth be told
Can destroy ones soul
I just want to sleep
When will my mind be at ease
1.1k · Jun 2016
Fat i was, fat i am
Karmen Jun 2016
Do you know what it's like
To see hate in your own eyes
As you stare into the mirror
Or get a glimpse of your reflection
That feeling you have inside
Of how much you just want to die
Your insides screaming
As they continue starving
All cause you hate how you look
Mind shouting
You're so **** fat
You don't deserve a man
Trying not to cry
As these rude remarks
Are shouted from your own mind
You'll have to smile and laugh
At just how **** fat you are
Tell yourself you're not really hungry
As you slap your belly
Wishing it would vanish with each slap
This fat I see
This fat I have
This fat I am
This fat is me
Even though I'm not even
Just that Fat anymore
Once you've been fat
There is no going back
As I stand and stare
Observe & compare
How much my body has changed
My conclusion still is
I am so fat
I do not deserve a man
I hate this view of who I am fat
1.1k · Mar 2016
We're made up
Karmen Mar 2016
I'll never forget the feelings we made up
To keep each other alive, survive another night
Everything of us, all just myth
Medicine to heal but power to destroy
Greatest addiction to be released
Finally at peace
with these unsaid words
This would be our final goodbye
Everything of us, all just a myth
Bittersweet it was, to overcome
the closest thing to real love
I wish you the best as you continue
Prayers for your next love
To be blessed
Nothing like us, all just a myth
Ending with burned pages
But instead
Ending with laminated chapters
960 · Mar 2016
Karmen Mar 2016
Sitting along the curb
Sun shining bright
I await for my drug delivery

Wondering why
It's taking so long
Oh right
They're on Tweaker time

Texting my guy
Asking how much longer
I'll have to wait

The sun is bright
It's heat getting to me
Thinking to myself
Ill be late to work
***** getting ready
I'll pack a bowl
Light it up
Only 2 hits
Then I better get ready

Phone buzzes
My guy explains
He's sent another
To do this deliver

I don't ask why
Or who it is
Just for him to get to me soon

Pace back and forth
Along the curb
I'll be late to work
Why's this guy taking so long

I hear the car
Look up fron the ground
Finally this dude has arrived
But to my suprise
It's you inside

Thinking is it really you
How could this be
It's been a month since I last saw you
I question why
You're the delivery guy
Call you an ***
For not hitting me back up

I ask for the dope
Give you the money
Step out the car
Not saying a word
My hearts filled of hurt
I rush back inside
Text my guy why

He replies why it's a problem
I explain
We spoke about the situation
That delivery guy
He's not just anyone
I didn't want him to know
I've been using dope
Plus he's the reason why
I do more than I can handle
To void the memories
To void the thoughts
Of everything we once were

It's not fair at all
One month passed by
No replies from you
But Instead
I see you
To my suprise
As the new delivery guy
Of this dope
I don't want it anymore

But I must not cry  
And must not think
Pack a quick bowl
Light the flame
Watch the smoke fill
Inhaling and twirling
Exhale, cool
What was it that made me so sad ?

Smile curl
Phone buzzing
Let's go to work
Rush everything
I'm ready to pretend
Like nothings ever wrong
856 · Mar 2016
You confuse
Karmen Mar 2016
The most confused
From only one person
The biggest confusion
One human has give me

Each night
I lay awake
Wondering why
Things happened this way

Reminiscing of our nights
That turned to days
Which we spent together
From laying quietly & still
To whispering our deepest feels
Cuddling closer
Making animal noises
Quick pecks on the cheek
You going for more

Those were the best moments lived
I knew it wouldnt last
Soon it would come to an end
Like all great things do to me

You never said good bye
I didn't know why
It destroyed me to know
It was always a joke
Least that's what filled my head
When you didn't say why

Depression hit
More than I've known
Binging on drugs soon begun
Locked in a room
Not even coming out for food
What was the point
If I didn't have you

1 month pass
You message me hello
Speaking to me
Like you did nothing wrong
2 days later
You're here at my door
It's so good to see you
But I'm hurting inside
Trying not to cry
When you ask me what's wrong
Take care I say turning away
Step inside before you the tears falls

Curled into a ball
Crying as I've done
So many nights before

You've left me confused
Only you
The most confused
I've ever been
How could one human
Cause so much confusion

Each night I fall asleep
But only to wondering why
It all went this way
Wondering why
It ended like this  

Praying for the thoughts to end
As the tears shed
One last breath
Till I'm in the dreamworld
791 · Oct 2018
Karmen Oct 2018
often wonder how you think
but then remember I don't even care that much
cause your thoughts work in your own unique ways
that's extremely okaye , youre entitled to your voice
just please remember to breathe
give me a moment to process your minds technique
its often tumbling its way down
hard to wrap my head around when its just racing down
tryna touch ground without stopping to the direction its in
got me confused as much as their is to be
youre your own person I do believe
and your thinking is some sort of unique
that I can never get to reach me
and honestly I don't hate
im okaye with your ways of speak
but don't push me to the lowest selfesteem
leaving me without nothing to speak
cause you really made me like a tossed out dog treat
not having no feelings of what you really just did to me
I still can not speak
hard to believe , but im so fucken beat
youd left me out to be the meat for a final time
I cant handle the crossing line
I don't care to hear you speak all the excuses your mind can think
you've already made me so fucken weak
I cant breathe when I think about all the past
how it suddenly makes sense
im just in disguist and it hurts my head
it killed my heart
my only real what I thought was a best friend
doing some sly **** and playing me like im some *****
but for why
and for how
or but forreal
I can not even feel
you really played me
I cant remove my uttershock
still frozen in spot
frozen fucken thought
***** played tf out me
how tf  but what
I don't know now
but we aren't really friends now
and I know im still there
just not ever gunna be all there
cause you really cant
you don't and do but wont deserve to be someone I keep at my side
not a relationship
no more friendship
I took my foot off the floating ship
im just drifting away
you sailing away
but im perfectly okay
I got played by a *****
some funny **** to say
something so funny I cant wrap it aroud my brain
I don't care now
your thinking is its own unique way  
and I should want to know that technique
so I can be more on beat
see how you think
but honestly I rather just have a drink
forget that friendship was once a thing
im not even fucken weak
**** im living like theres nothing wrong with me
ive been hit with the stick
woken out a dream
who this ***** really could be
who this ***** is
man, I aint even trippen
it is whatever it is
im just happy it was something
that I knew could be a possibility
just thought more unlikely
cause youre supposed to be my friend
not what now some sort enemy
attacking when the lights went out
like the rest these sneaks
that just got something else going on
that makes them take a ride along
not controlled of their own
I got it , I know
but fool, take hold
youre the one who is supposed to have control
why you let them have tiniest type of leash
I know you aren't that weak
fucken speak
take some time to think
youre better then these thieves
don't follow their ways
pull away from their hold
see all the things you could have done
finally stand up and do what you keep wishing you would've
how come this is always coming up
aren't you tired of the same song
I know its played too long
that way I turned the sound off
im headed out cause I need something that cant be sung
so long . be gone .
759 · Mar 2016
page 4
Karmen Mar 2016
Keep your cool
Put that smile on
Play it straight
Keep your head up
Let out some laughs
The sun still shines
Go ahead & cry
The moon settles your mind
Soon everything will be alright
Karmen Mar 2016
When it's late at night & you're unable to sleep  you can become delusional from the thoughts you hold inside. And when theres no one by your side for you to let it all out,  Remember that your stuffed animal friends have always been there whenever you needed to cry it out... I think I've gone mad, oh how I do believe I'll die from the thoughts I hold deep inside.
One night I broke down and had no one to callet so like a child I snagged all my stuffed animals and that's how I made this up
596 · Jul 2016
Idk whats wrong
Karmen Jul 2016
Alone so long
Makes me question
whats so wrong
Is it how I look
The way I talk
Do I feel
And can you tell
It's all way to strong
Glaring at these stars
As streams run down my cheeks
I just want to know
What the hell I did wrong
Cause last I checked
I've given everything my all
Putting up a front
To get the Job Done
Making it seem
like I have it all
When really down deep
I'm falling to pieces
Begging the Lord please
To help me get some sleep
581 · Mar 2016
Sober & i still know
Karmen Mar 2016
If not now, maybe in the future
When we're grown, sober even
Loved you through it all
While we were drugged & young
In the future, hopefully
It will still be there
& we can get it to work
Cause I know
You're my person
And I don't know how to be
Any bit of me, without you
For now, i'll grow, alone but free
Till then
We'll just have to see
How things could be
If it's nothing more
But a intoxicated love
We once shared.  
506 · Apr 2016
Love is a myth
Karmen Apr 2016
These love poems are all making me sick
Wanting me to go jump in a ditch
Love isn't ****
Why can't you see that
A hopeless romantic I am
But a heartless ***** I show
Love is stupid
Love is a myth
Time to grow up
Open your eyes
See now, love isn't **** .
495 · Mar 2016
Not you but i
Karmen Mar 2016
I don't know what it is
Well not exactly what it is
That makes me feel like I
I sort of want to die
Crawl under the rock
Bury myself deep under
Cry a thousand tears
Question whybeg to have you near
Find me ato least
We'll actually
That, that's all a lie
I know a little
Little of what it is
That makes me feel less
Less enough to just die
That is
Well it's you
You've damaged me
So much it's the ultimate struggle
A struggle to be me
Like just
Genuinely me.  
And it hurts
Not being me hurts me most
Not you
Not you being away
Or the lies you fed to me
It hurts I can't be me
That's what
That's why
I feel like I
I just want to die
490 · Jun 2016
Not alone
Karmen Jun 2016
It seems to me
There isn't anyone like me
But I'm nothing special
I mean, I used to think
No one would get what I think
Or understand how it is
To feel like the only one
Always put to the side
Left and forgotten
Wondering why
I get no love
What I have to do
To just get a hug
And if I'll ever be loved
It had seemed to me
I was the only one
Who thought so much
Of what could / would come
Of who Im meant to be
Or that I felt so lost
With no luck at the end
Till I saw a glimpse
Of what seemed to be
My awakening call
Saying & showing me
I'm not the only one
I'm not alone
With these thoughts in my head
That I leave unsaid
Hoping for them to end
I put a smile on my face
And feel less stressed
Knowing someone, somewhere
Feels and thinks how I do
That I'm not a complete ****** mess.
In this judgementl world
And to remember, we are blessed.
We'll make it through this battle
Just get some rest
Hope for a better tomorrow
459 · Apr 2016
Karmen Apr 2016
You're stuck in a rut
there's no escape
you have but little freedom
your mind lost
controlled by a demon
that knows you all to well
welcome to your living hell
449 · Apr 2016
Scramble shambles
Karmen Apr 2016
You make me insane
Like maybe I should blow my brains
Maybe I'm not okaye
But I know
Someday I'll make through the day
With no tears pouring from my eyes
Or feeling like I want to die
You make me sane
Like everything will be okaye
But I knowill
Someday this will all fade away
With no more laughs
Soon it will all just be my past
You make what I wish not
But what I know not of
Cause this feeling is odd
This feeling is all at a loss
To what pain is caused
And the love it brought
You make me insanely sane
If that's such a thing?  
I know not of
Cause these words
These words don't go
& are nothing but scrambles from my mind
Showing what you've left me with
To piece together
what's left of the broken
It's all a mess
Maybe soon
I'll have it pieced perfectly together
441 · Mar 2016
Im not me
Karmen Mar 2016
I'm not the same
I've been destroyed
I've gone insane

The struggle I have
Figuring out why
I've become this way
How did I allow this

It was somewhere between
Each different heartache
That removed every bit of me

Those no longer in my life
That easily walked away
Without a good bye
A reason why
They robbed me
Pieces of my heart they stole
That day they walked away

I've gone insane
I've been destroyed  
I am not the same

These thoughts can't be mine
They're way out of line
Smile during the day
Crying at night
Yelling why

I don't know to get by
Each day I struggle
Questioning why
Begging for it to end

Smiling is no longer easy
My laughs are short
I don't speak anymore
Sleeping doesn't help
Neither does eating

Drugs are a remedy
But only temporarily
Even those
no longer help

Laying wide awake
Remembering why
I've been destroyed
What's made me go insane
To make me not the same

The answers vary
There are so many

I'm not the same
I've been destroyed
I've gone insane
There's no way back
424 · Jul 2018
Karmen Jul 2018
Reminder of all reality took a swing to my face just today
Cause all isn’t the same
Memories are a fade
And I’m tryna go on
The thought that it’s the end
When we aint even dead
It’s all wished for never
Wanted to be your homie
Talk a little in the distance
But it’s your misses
She’ll make you regret
Whatever this , that
Was not when is
You’ll miss this
Just don’t know it yet
You’re gunna see
I was widdit
And no one can commit like I
Your eyes tell
Alll you hide and want to deny
I can see your life
your soul that guides
Reminds your heart
It’s its own beautiful art
Thought days get dark
It leaves a mark
That’ll spark another’s
Offering a hand
To make you feel at ease
Sweet breeze
I take in, coming one
Misery will not defeat me
Ahhaa forgot what I was on topic about . ******
394 · Mar 2016
Who won this time
Karmen Mar 2016
Tell me, does it scare you?  
The thoughts that creep through your head when you're alone st night tucked into your bed.  Do the shadows still catch you off guard as you begin to drift into a dream
  Oh ****, now you're well awake talking out to yourself.  Don't you wish you could just get some sleep?  You beg the thoughts to end and for the shadows to go away.  You haven't danced with the devil for two weeks now & so they have come to redeem you.  You toss & turn, even turn on a light & you scream " I'm clean, please just got away,  let me continue to be free".  They're getting closer, the thoughts are beginning to corrupt your head.  You're sitting in the corner saying a prayer.  Tell me, did the devil redeem you?  Or have you claimed yourself at last instead?
*journal from inside my head
386 · Mar 2016
Sober isnt sane without you
Karmen Mar 2016
That first inhale the quick sensation
feeling like I've had 10 cups of coffee
it was a great feeling
once upon a time
and now it's been one week
one week without that thrilling Rush
and I'm still here, not insane
not missing that high at all
our first hello
messages sent night and day
that first hug next a kiss
A one month wait for our first time together
the long cuddles with South Park on TV
The Giggles & deep talks
as the clock change to 4 a.m.
playing that we're asleep as the sun rises one week without any of that
I feel like I'm falling apart
love real or fake it
was the best feeling
That's what I'm missing most
the, maybe, false love
but I'm missing those from you
You're the one I miss most
That's what making me insane
Being Sober is fine
not having seeing or talking to you
that's made me lose my mind
362 · May 2016
To you , yet again
Karmen May 2016
(Name here )
The things I think about
All have to do with you
They'll never be written with this pen
You're a topic
I rather leave unread
When you come into mind
I tend to distract myself
From everything I feel
Cause without you by my side
Makes this life a bit more of a hell
I'll let all it roam
Feelings, thoughts, dreams & memories
Will flood my mind
But I shall not speak
And won't allow it to be seen in ink
All the things I think
When you pop into mind
Cause it irks me to know
That everything roaming
In head & heart
Will soon be overflowing
the sound of your name
Flashbacks of what was or was not
Drown me inside
Leaving me trapped in my mind
Cause if I were to speak
Or let it be seen with ink
Tears would never stop flowing
Till I could see you again
Just as my friend
Making it easier for me
To feel and live again
And finally be free
Something I wrote from someonw, I removed his name just to be safe.
But anything involving trying to discuss him or what I feel I simply keep shut off cause I can't deal with the pain
359 · May 2016
New guy
Karmen May 2016
I was starting to feel a little grey
And then I met your face
You started to brighten up my days
And I forgot what's his face
I didn't think this day would come
But looks who's happy
Look who's recovering
From all the damaged you've done
This guy is good, this guy is sweet
I hope he'll stay
& stick through my troubled heart
This connection is great
It's almost frightening
But feels Oh so great
I hope we can make this last
He's brightened my days
Makes me feel wanted and loved
And makes me forget what's his face
He's given me hope
In the game of love
Where I thought it was all lost
And no where to be found
Oh I hope he stays
Cause this connection is great
Karmen Feb 2018
I think life’s pretty fucken neat
I wish you could think the same,
See the reason I don’t believe in a thing as hate
Life is faint but it ain’t
Faint is life but it ain’t
Betweeens (((-except when it is is & when it ain’t it just ain’t
You know what I’m sayin’n
Or shall I try to explain it a bit more
Some more words;personal experiences to which relate in at a variety of ways expressing it to each in your own unique way for the other own mind which doesn’t perceive things the same , hardly close to even just alike
I hope you feel me and the words I’m tryna say with the words I’m speaking in paused uttering words
We all have one way to millions of ways
And millions way to just one way
Why hate but not appreciate
Appreciate but not hate
It ain’t so complicate except when it is
Just fall in love with that
Express it your unique way
Try to relate and express the reason it is
Expressing the way you see it, tryna explain and find a means to the others knowledge understanding, expressing what how it seem
Wait, tf I say right there
Tf do I even mean
I’m not even sure it makes sense
To others or even just myself
I don’t even really care anymore
Bout what I was tryna say or tryna remember what it I was I was tryna make relate
It’ll come together later
Or maybe it ain’t till 68years later , in outerpace, between the lines of two lines of five
Lol jk but you see what I mean
Lots of  things to many things, yes it’s a continuous gather and retrieve  help achieve  better although exhausting in real time the appreciation could be felt at all in all while. While not at all ya know lol **** I can’t get it out right yet but yeah
341 · Mar 2016
True or just a myth ?
Karmen Mar 2016
And so maybe it wasn't true.
Maybe it was all just a myth I wished to be true
I misread the signals & believed every word you said
Ignored all the warning signs & your addicton
How silly of me to be blinded of the truth
To think that i loved you, oh I must have been ******.
Cause that was a just a big joke
Inlove with how you treated me, and the warmth i felt whenever by your side.
How I hated to say good bye.
And every kiss or hug just felt like I was at home. 
But that wasn't real
It was all a myth designed by my first ever intimacy
Oh how would it could have continued
How I wish it could only have been real
But it was a good lesson to Me
What you feel may not always be real
So be careful of what you let get to you .
You may not recover if the damage is deep.
315 · Jul 2016
Karmen Jul 2016
I'm a ****
You're a ****
She's a ****
& that **** over there
He's the biggest **** of all
I give a ****
They take that ****
And say who the **** cares
Take my *****
And you guys just don't give a ****
So what the **** should i do
When all my *****
Are taken and
Not any ***** are given back
But I guess **** it
Cause **** me
No one give a ****
And **** it
I'll make it
And I'll be alright
298 · Apr 2016
Welcome to sobriety
Karmen Apr 2016
I want so bad,
To escape,  
Escape this reality
And just go back
Back to the fantasy
I was once in
Cause reality is a *****
A ***** I'm not ready for
296 · Aug 2018
82518 Wordpress blog .
Karmen Aug 2018
It's in the arts
It may be hard to tell
We are not all well
Might as well cast us to hell
We won't be forever young
Let us live this once
Dance while we can
Before it's old and makes us want to go
Like never known land
Discovered from Peter Pan
Removing all fear
Revealing how near , we are almost there
Couple more steps
We'll be in the clear
Young once again
Till we meet again
My dear
This isnt goodbye , but hi
294 · Mar 2016
Suicide to save another
Karmen Mar 2016
How could I only help you
Blind to what it was doing to me
I knew you would soon be better
Blind to what I was slowly becoming
Assisting you whenever I was called
Ignoring that my calls were always denied
How could I be so oblivious to what was unfolding
You were becoming better with each passing day.
But i, I was deeper into the hole I helped you out of
You felt the sunlight and left without hesitation
Leaving me in this hole of darkness that wasn't my own
Blind to what it was doing to me
I stayed happy that you were better
Blind to what I had become
This dark hole soon became my home
As I could hear the happiness of your better soul
It never dawned on me it was for the misery of my soul in exchange that you could truly live happy.
Helped someone , lost myself and became what I said I wouldnt.
284 · Mar 2016
If you cant sleep
Karmen Mar 2016
Can't sleep
Nothing new
So you try everything
To get some rest
Starting with the  
Counting of sheep
Saying your 123's
Maybe try the abc's
Silence your phone
Turn down every light
Lay still
Hands on your chest
Close your eyes
Listen to the nothing roaming your room.
Feel your heart beat
Maybe do a light hum
And hopefully soon
You'll be in deep sleep
Good night, good bye my friend
281 · Mar 2016
Where i end up, idk
Karmen Mar 2016
on a path with no destination
filled with neither love or hate.
each day that passes by
I know I'll get by without you at my side.
on a path with no destination
Filled with neither love or hate.
I keep this smile on my face
embrace every battle I fight
Filled with neither love or hate
This destination will soon be discovered.
Karmen Jul 2018
call me a fool cause i played it cool
to your ways one would consider cruel
assuming i had no clue you were using me like a tool
newsflash my dude, i knew of my use
wasnt hard to tell i meant nothing to you
nothing to the man you wished to become, seeking a light of success
in eyes of the chick that birthed your first heart

i played it cool, perceiving myself to be a fool
acting like i had no, choosing to be your tool
well aware i was diving deep
into a hole that would forever sink
darkness that only grew more in depth

you warned me many time
but your soul showed there was more sincere way inside
so i remained , allowing you to take lead
knowing my place, giving you space
allowing my trust to be placed
hopes in rebuilding the self-confidence you highly lacked

all to a tough past
you felt had some shame
having troubles to embrace
it helped you become the man you are today
something great
you stay fighting to succeed in eyes of your
you played a person you were not
whenever there was an awaken depth within our encounter
forcing yourself to be cruel
i continued to be cool
be perceived as a fool
for our souls intertwined, wanted all to remain cool
for i did not fight, or take flight
seeking revenge wasn't an option
i chose to dive into the everlasting depth of a hole
allowing you so much control
losing my own ways to life
forgetting my own reasons to live
like a fool you became too cruel
not pacing your use of using me as a tool
making things so uncool
you had too much authority and used it all so soon
awakened my eyes
allowing me some sight
see where i could escape free
from the leash
had worked it to such short length
there be no fight
in releasing me
to become better then i once was
i soar far away
keeping you in my heart
but never allowing
capture to be an option
journal, book to be
279 · May 2016
Self lies
Karmen May 2016
To think I'd let myself die
If it meant saving your life
Ha, i probably lost my mind
If it ever came to that
Cause I'd be better off
If you weren't around at all
To make me feel like hell
Acting like you own a crown
& better than anyone in this town
Karmen Jul 2018
Vievievie no replies ignite

I like to talk don’t care if I’m all too blunt cause **** I just enjoy peoples and sharing thoughts no matter what
Sorry if I annoy but I don’t ever intend
Just be easy
Tell me to let there be rest from sharing my head and expression of things totally random
Cause I don’t wanna **** off being friends
So lay it out straight without intent to make harm to ones head of depth feels that never get real rest
Least not till death
Hurt of no reply cause I message too many times cause hell I wanna talk and like sharing my feels not thinking it would scare off or be perceived as another type of way but ok
270 · Sep 2018
Karmen Sep 2018
MGK Love Overdose 551am
Septa 4 2018
      MGK love overdose just one of the very fuxken many songs I am so deeply in love
      They got me all thinking , reminiscing all kinds of everything featuring you
       Swear **** should grow old but it don’t and as much as I’m told “gotta let him go “ it doesn’t seem like so
      See now, hear me out right now
      Been a whole year almost since I had to go and leave you , not wanting it despite the life I had going on
       Knew it would most likely be the last time I’d see your face
         Some days I think the memories start to fade ; sort of makes me insane
         I ain’t want it that way , wish the memories shared would forever stay in brain  
          But life ain’t a blunt to rolll like that
        You drove me insane , made me this way
You’re not at all to blame ;
In fact I praise your name and the gains that came from all types of pain you made me face
          Don’t mean this all as you made Cause I too chose to go along and keep it the same
Though I lost my sane , went partially insane and had to move states
             Love you anyways
            Nothing so the same ain’t planing on it to change , gotta keep going this way till next sun come up
              Pull a chair up , this just started
A year last now , just about can’t let you loose
Wish you were near or magically appear
A year that I haven’t argued
A year with no joking and insults
A year no long drives
A year of no laughter
A year no real feel
A year no busting missions and late night talks till dawn
No hikes up the hills to see the views and just chill
No sneaking around or tryna keep it down
A year of no stares , glares feeling of little no care
Those eyes have not met mine in a year
And I don’t *** to cope
The *** is almost a year since we last had a bit of a blast
Making it all last
Wish it could not be the past
Hoping it was all never my last
A year since I heard your voice
Heard stories of your children and family , the fun and dumb things that have gone on
The times we spent , see not all great not all hell
We never felt the same or maybe we are insane
And couldn’t every admit and only commit to games of playing no same
We had to lie our feel or share and deny
Either or
For whatever
Doesn’t matter cause those eyes
Those eyes met my soul
I recognized it all too well
Felt good to be home
And now it’s s year since I felt
Your souls isn’t matched with mine
Actually in a fight I feel
And if we shall make it
Overcome this year of not speaking
This year of our separation
Baby I promise things could get great
Promised I’ll do my best to make it back
For you with you or not
Doesn’t change s **** thing
Ima ride for you till I ain’t got none left to run on
I know it’s dumb
But your my flame
We aren’t meant to forever separate
We’ll reunite , maybe not today
Just some day
Latez .
MGK lovenoverdosed slowed growth thoughts they this song .
262 · Jul 2018
Post wrote note
Karmen Jul 2018
When u lost all hope
And wanna cut the rope
Days going by
Trying to find why
You’re still alive
Then all shifts, leaving you shook
Suddenly there is light
Giving meaning for life
Giving meaning to live
Have a bit less fear
Encourage you to keep battling on
Construct better life
To make up for poor decisions made in yo past
That you hold with no shame
Allowing it all to be aired
So you don’t chase to be impaired
Forget who you were
When all things once were fair
Still showing care to the ones you love
Placing yourself in last
That begin new thought with no promises of ever having light
260 · May 2016
Page 6
Karmen May 2016
You're on my mind
Not quite sure why
But I feel like I want to die
With you inside, corrupting my mind
There's no where to hide
From what I'm feeling inside
Trying my best not to rest
Until I'm the very best
Making you mine
Reclaiming my mind
Proving to the rest
That I'm nothing less •••
God bless
May 6 2016
259 · Oct 2018
flame knight light
Karmen Oct 2018
thank you
you helped me find the truth
you were the life of me
whole life beautiful

when the fire burns out , I know it ain't pretty
but baby ima gone be okaye
they say things fall apart
I know in my heart we'll come back
and have a good laugh when we looking back

im just hopin we'll meet up some day
talk about where we been
all the ******* we been put through
how we always stayed strong
remember after all
im gone be here, no matter how long

take a step back
skip ahead if that's what you want
know we are young, and that we're growing old
but ain't a thing gone change
youll always remain, number one flame
how I see it even if we are completely broken
im willing to work with it
promise ill always be strong

youre the one that helped me make it through it all
know you don't exactly see it
no one elsse really gets it
I don't give a ****
if looking insane as I remain wherever you stay

whole life so **** beautiful
know you cant exactly see it
but you're the reason Im stronger then before
finding truth in whoever I am
you became most of life to me

let me just say
I know you claim to hate
but that's not in my way
cause you've been part of this great change
know there was lots pain
that why I write to remember
how far ive came
and who ive got to give thanks
for making me feel better about this life I don't wish to remain ',

got me wanting to stick around
watch the flames burn down
cause it is its own beauty
we may have fallen apart
but baby one day we're gone be back
have good laugh about all this
cant believe we met up again

honestly im fucken blessed
you don't know why I always claim this
cause you never saw more of  yourself
but honestly you made me who I am
stronger than before
I have you to thank for this
whole life beautiful
wished we never had to go own ways
in the end we will meet again
cause I aint given up that soon
youre my whole moon
reason I bloom
so im gunna always be there
even if that flame disappears
i'll stay near for when you give me the clear

we had fear from this journey
but thank yeeuus
I had you there
helping me through
just hope
I didn't mess your plan up
from us meeting up
always wanted the best for both of us
if it meant going opposite ways
I wouldn't be okaye but know ill be able to fight
keep myself upright ; least pretend im alright

we gone meet again
gone laigh at this **** one day
life has it amazing ways
to keep the flame from running to the ground
we're gonna rise from this
it worked out for both routes

take care now
ill be here , hmu when you like turning out
cause I cant lose you now
youre already far out
try not to completely disappear
I care
took some lyrics from a song but switched it up and it was only a few lines. the rest is all mine. to my flame soul , ill be here till there no more world to roam .
248 · Jun 2016
Karmen Jun 2016
The past is the past
All that matters is where your heads at
Keep looking up
You'll see better days
No this isn't *******
I've been there done that
Lost myself
And broke myself down
But I put the pipe down
Decided to turnyield around
All it takes is asking for a little help
Don't be afraid
It will be okaye
Go ahead and reach out
Seek some help with your battles
You'll see it'll be the best decision made
I can for sure say it was for me
4 months clean
From the Devils seed
I have my head held high
Walking down a brighter path
Employed and a college student
How I wouldn't be here
If I still had that pipe twirling in my hand
And I just have to say
It was the best decision I've yet to make
So dont worry
You're not the only one fighting the battle
But it is only you who can decide
If help is what you need
to help you succeed and complete those dreams.
Good luck to you
248 · Jan 2017
January 26.17
Karmen Jan 2017
Expectations set so high from everyone you know. Doesn't help when a ***** stay feeling so low, you know? It makes em feel deeper in the hole and no hope to accomplish their real goals. A lost so all wandering the world all on their own and more where to go, to lay their head & have some type of little escape. With so many people setting their goals of what they should be and when to be done by raises the anxiety extremely high. Ending nights with feelings of wishing to just die or maybe be a little high. Set for failure from start when you'very always been told "you'll be the one who gets far, making your life the most" but that's what is not realized when they're telling em they'll reach all these goals. Everything you do, ain't just for you and it affects more than just the life you live. WI think everyone's expectations of you, you're not longer just one. You're all of them, all of the goals they've created into a list. Doesn't matter what you've already done or how far you've come; it'll go unnoticed if it's not from their lists . You'll be left, stuck in your head struggling to really live. Praying to just succeed already so everyone will be pleased and your soul could be set free from things you never wished to even achieve. Finally you can go and be the person you dreamt to be, do the things that make you feel pleased. Your soul is free now go out and finally live. Who knows how long you have before your time comes.
226 · Mar 2016
Karmen Mar 2016
Hold me tight
Hold me near
Call me your dear

Your arms are my home
Heartbeat music to my ears
Every touch my best medicine

Words so soothe
Healed all my hurt
Removed the anger that I felt

What was I to do
If I ever lost you

You're my only remedy
To everything that I feel
The best medicine with no costs

I'll miss you so much
It's for the best
I understand

I'm addicted to you
So it's time to take a stand
This is where it ends
Never to be friends  
Goodbye my love
I wish you the best.
224 · Jul 2016
Karmen Jul 2016
Hoping, wishing , dreaming
None of it easy
All the same meaning,
For the most part,
It's beauty to keep
wishing, hoping & dreaming
All keep us smiling
While fighting our battles
The faith we keep
That soon our
Hopes, wishes & dreams
Will come to be
All of what we've waited for
Battled for
Shed these tears for
Waiting for all
Dreams, wishes,  & hopes
To be our cure
Making our smiles real
And ridding the tears
219 · Mar 2016
Shes gone
Karmen Mar 2016
She went insane
No one knows why
Unsure how
She lost her mind
They didn't dare
Ask her how
She never cared
To tell them why
But deep inside
She wanted to die
People walked by
Ignoring all the signs
Silent screams for help
Unnoticed, & ignored  
She lost hope
To each by stander
She became
Just another
A broken soul
In search of who she really was
And what it felt like to be loved.
217 · Apr 2016
Part of a letter pg. Tore
Karmen Apr 2016
Stay great, stay smiling
feel like frowning ?
Just call me up
I'll do my best,
To turn it around
miss you much,
Take care
I love you
goodbye dear
217 · Jul 2018
Karmen Jul 2018
It's really fucken bummy
beautiful writing developing in mind
feeling sparks in heart
knowing people will relate
expressing yourself, speaking in general
or so you'd hope

once your hands taken off
your pen becomes lost
scribbling its own thoughts
nothing like you even thought
ending up a writing , that was meant for anybody
to a writing involving our times together
feelings and memories i thought had passed

lighted eyes, sparked mind
feelin hurt to discover im not really over
thanks to my hand taking over
telling what my heart is still mourning over
thought i lost this heart ,
but my hand reveals its still in place
writings always becoming you
****, im such a fool
journal entry to many . soon to be book .
215 · Sep 2018
1 sautdiful 090118
Karmen Sep 2018
Long drive to make it home
Long road to be filled with ton of thoughts
Wish I could only raught
Although I have moved on
Not one I'm too fond of , maybe thought ,
One you may not know as defined
After all no one mind thinks same
Or nearly sane
Sorry to say, makes you awake
Haven't foresaken his name
Wish I could say, cause he's the one to have made me partly this way
Not H'E' who is 'all great'
I don't speak of him in vein , I call him flame of twin
Still high hopes of reunite.....
The rest to this writing will be posted in new posts . On another day .
213 · Apr 2016
But who am i ?
Karmen Apr 2016
Learning to live once more
Learning to love again
How to share my thoughts
Trying to understand why,
Why it is I feel so lost
Discovering who I am
That sounds so lame
But ain't it the truth  
A new life I've been give
A new beginning,  how lucky I am
A life without drugs or alcohol
Who would have ever thought
That'd be the life I'm living today
Seems like I'd struggle
To stay clean and sober
To my suprise & everyone else,
It's been so easy
Sobriety isn't a issue
The real struggle I've had
Has I've been living this life
Is finding who I am
I know nothing about me
My likes, dislikes in anything
At least not as I'm sober
So sad to say when having that first date
"Tell me about you"
When I know nothing of me
Coping is different
Sad, mad, or stuck inbetween
I can only scream
No drugs to remove what it is I feel
No alcohol to block the memories
Everything is so real
All the pain I feel
From years of being blocked
All ganging up on me
How I wish I could just
Just turn to drugs
I've come so far
I must stay strong
But can these thoughts
Can these thoughts just leave me be.
As I'm just trying to find me .
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