Living life
Just doing me
Not worrying about a thing
As I proceed my life
Without you by my side
I've moved on
Sure it took long
But at least now
I can say I'm finally happy
With life and myself
That's all I've ever searched for
And I'm not sure if I I'm to thank you
Cause if it wasn't for you
I wouldn't have grown
To be this person I'm slowly becoming
That's loving life
And achieving my goals
That once meant so much to me
I've opened my eyes
Realized my worth and meaning
All thanks to you
The hell you put me through
With love unexpected
Never meant to stay
Was the best thing
And worst thing
That's ever helped me grow
I'm finally me
I am free

She went insane
No one knows why
Unsure how
She lost her mind
They didn't dare
Ask her how
She never cared
To tell them why
But deep inside
She wanted to die
People walked by
Ignoring all the signs
Silent screams for help
Unnoticed, & ignored  
She lost hope
To each by stander
She became
Just another
A broken soul
In search of who she really was
And what it felt like to be loved.

Learning to live once more
Learning to love again
How to share my thoughts
Trying to understand why,
Why it is I feel so lost
Discovering who I am
That sounds so lame
But ain't it the truth  
A new life I've been give
A new beginning,  how lucky I am
A life without drugs or alcohol
Who would have ever thought
That'd be the life I'm living today
Seems like I'd struggle
To stay clean and sober
To my suprise & everyone else,
It's been so easy
Sobriety isn't a issue
The real struggle I've had
Has I've been living this life
Is finding who I am
I know nothing about me
My likes, dislikes in anything
At least not as I'm sober
So sad to say when having that first date
"Tell me about you"
When I know nothing of me
Coping is different
Sad, mad, or stuck inbetween
I can only scream
No drugs to remove what it is I feel
No alcohol to block the memories
Everything is so real
All the pain I feel
From years of being blocked
All ganging up on me
How I wish I could just
Just turn to drugs
I've come so far
I must stay strong
But can these thoughts
Can these thoughts just leave me be.
As I'm just trying to find me .

Drunk drunk drunk
Drunk I am
All because of a punk
He said he'd stay
And wouldn't break his word
But here I've been
All on my own
Remembering the days we shared
Questioning why he left me all alone
So I've turn my world
All around once again
Sobriety went down the drain
Once he walked away
Nighrt awake
Paranoia knocking on the door
Drunken days
Proving my life is just a waste
Cause when he walked away
I lost myself
All over again
And what shame
It is to say
My sobriety has gone to waste

Here we are again
Just laying in bed
With these thoughts in my head
It seems to never end
I'd just like to rest
Escape the stress
Feel nice in a dress
And look the best
It's 2am here
And these thoughts roam my head
As I'm laying bed
Wishing for them to end
These scenarios fill my head
Of what could always be
All the possibilities
Never ending
Wishing they could be
I question all things
Like it's suddenly 215
& I feel nothing
Or feel something I know nothing of
I'm wondering why
Wondering how it is
I feel like
I'm out of place
And shouldn't exist
Too fat to wear a dress
If love is even real  
What's the possibility
Of running into someone who's just like me
We'll at least with their thoughts
But I'd never know
Cause I do not share
What thoughts fill my head
& the scenarios that play
All up in my head
When I'm awake at 2am
Laying in bed
Wishing to get some rest
Escape my stress
How to feel nice in a dress
& look like some of the best
See,  these words a pointless
As they can not explain
What's going on in my head
And what I feel inside
So why do I even try
There's more to say
But it's best I'd go away
Not to annoy anyone
Coming to this page.  
But i'm just a girl
Who's heart is a mess
& this is my daily vent
So God bless
Get some rest & don't stress

Fat fat fat
Is what I used to be
spent most my life
Taking diet pills
starving myself
Working out
Anything to lose this weight
I've gained from the poor choices
I once made from younger days
Listened to the whispers
From all around
Of how big that girl is
She could lose a few pounds
Jokes and rude remarks
Of who I was
Destroyed the person I was inside
I'd cry and cut
To remove what I felt
I'd try so hard but never went anywhere
Here I am
Alive and well today
About 40 pounds down
Still unhappy with myself
Everyone sees it
The weight I've lost
All I see is this flat blob of me
Everything I eat makes me think
I'll blow up from just that bite
I'm doing everything right
Once you've been fat
Your life's been destroyed
There's no such thing
as too little to eat
Everything to me
is too much to eat
I'll continue to starve
And swallow endless diet pills
I'll sit on the curb
Hoping to be as beautiful
As all the girls I see
Cause to me
I'll always be that
Fat fat fat girl

Hold me tight
Hold me near
Call me your dear

Your arms are my home
Heartbeat music to my ears
Every touch my best medicine

Words so soothe
Healed all my hurt
Removed the anger that I felt

What was I to do
If I ever lost you

You're my only remedy
To everything that I feel
The best medicine with no costs

I'll miss you so much
It's for the best
I understand

I'm addicted to you
So it's time to take a stand
This is where it ends
Never to be friends  
Goodbye my love
I wish you the best.

About once a week
Since I've been clean
I know not what I think
Or how I should
I shut down
Almost as if I'm I'll
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is right
These thoughts
Thoughts of nothingness
They come,  and stay for the night
Driving me insane
As I strive to stay clean
I don't wish for the drugs
Or to be drunk
I wish I could just , just understand
Why it is I am feeling
This nothing , as I'm empty or dull
What is it I'm missing in my soul
Have I killed the heart inside me
From the last use and abuse of drugs
Why is it once a week I suffer
From this nothingness insanity inside me

Stay great, stay smiling
feel like frowning ?
Just call me up
I'll do my best,
To turn it around
miss you much,
Take care
I love you
goodbye dear
-r.se

20 years old
I already feel so old
And have felt so much hurt
But still I continue to grow
I've done so much
It would last my lifetime
So much more to do
Before I turn 30
I've lost so many friends
That at 20 years old
I wonder where they're all at
If they're alive, dead, married, homeless
Who the hell knows
Before I turn 30
I have to many friends to make
The memories we'll make
As we continue to age
Soon to replace those
Dumber younger days
At 20 years old
I have been through so much
Stuggled ony own
With my heart in hand
Never giving up hope
And fighting all the tears
Many heartbreaks
Still in repair
My dreams falling into place
Before I turn 30
There's so much I must do
I have just these 10years
To finally see
Myself be set free
To being the person
I've become pieced together
From all these years
What a site that will be
To see when I turn 30
Cause at 20 years old
I'm already at shock
At how far I've come
And really grew up
Life is really a crazy thing
Don't you think
But what a beautiful thing
To be only
20 years old

I'm not sure why
But it seemseems like
Whatever I write
Is only of you
I don't know why
Maybe I've gone insane
Or is it cause I'm just that hurt
I don't know
And no one else knows
Maybe you know
It's not on purpose you see
I try hard , very hard indeed
To write more than just
Whatever I had with you
But that seems impossible
Whatever comes to mind
Revolves around you
It kills me daily
Drains me hourly
I've lost my mind
Don't know why
Love does that
If thatshe what it is
But it could be
The devil in my head
Cause just that
The devil will stay
Drowning me from ever being
The free bee I'm meant to be
Happy as could be
He's haunting me with you
The thoughts and memories
He feeds to me
As a reminder ,
That will never be
Not again
With another human
Will I feel so close to love
Cause I've left the drugs
So it's over now
I'll never be loved
By another
As true as it was
Whatever I had with you .

Piercings and tattoos
They replaced all the *****
Out of spots to pierce
Not enough to money for tattoof
Whatever will I do
If I don't get off this edge soon

Take a glance
I bet that view from the front
Makes you think
Oh **** she's cute
Curves and short
What cute little thing
Take a glance
But this time from the side
What do you see
I am no longer cute and small
This lower buldge of belly
Changes your view on me
You see the rolls
That Fat pushes out
From the waist below
My tummy can't compare
It's like it's hardly there
Now go back
Turn around
Take that glance from the front
Stomach not much
And below the waist not bad
Titts so big
Curves so nice
You'd think **** she's nice
Then you get that glance
From the side
You see my waist below
Hangs low & pushes out
Your views are no more
You're unsure what to think
Now imagine that
Imagine how I feel
Glancing in the mirror
Front view I look great
I should pull some guys
I turn to the side
And I'm put down
Negative words fill my head
There's no way
There's no how
This hanging fat, pushed far out
Has me hating myself
Giving me doubts
There's two views to me
One is great
The other isn't so
It hurts so much
To have let myself down
This lower buldge
Won't go away
If only I could stay
Being face forward
So no one could see
Just how big small I am

Lately I don't know what to think
You make me not okaye
But you make things really great
How I hate you like so
But wishing you were near
As my head becomes clear
No one stands near
I'm left unsure
Is this reality or my little fantasy
I'll wish you the best
Cause this love has got to go
For all the miles between us
Are for the better
At least, I think.

There is no love for me
What a mess I've become to be
I take all things to heart
But still don't let it bother me
Heart made of gold
With love so pure
You'll be unsure of what to do
But I **** you not
I love so much
Never expecting much
I'm pretty ****** up
When you turn away
I'll be left to say
You'll never find another
To love as much as me
And okaye, what a cliche
But really, I give it all I got
To keep the ones I want

This friendship is real
You mean the world
To me at least
I know it's sad
We have to say goodbye
We'll promise not to cry
Say we'll still talk
Keep in touch
That's what everyone always sadly
But I know how it will go
The same as everything else
It wont work out
This is the end
You don't know it yet
But this is it
Our final good bye
Please don't cry
When you realize
Even real dies.

Love all too
Rare and pure
No one would dare
And so it became clear
My love was not
Ever to be kept
Cause it eventually
Would give them a scare
Make them realize
My love was so pure
And ever so rare
That it had to be shared
Never kept for just one
It seems my heart
Love all too much
And that's what should be feared

It's been two days
And not a word heard
My messages left unread
And calls going missed
I expected nothing less
Cause that's usually best
When it comes to being inside my head
I'll lose my hope
Give up pretty soon
What more is there to do
When you've already left
And I saw it coming too
I already knew you'd leave me too
Without a word shared
But what the ****
Why leave me questioning myself why
How did I **** up this time
And why does it still hurt
If I knew it would happen soon
That you'd leave me too
Leaving me trapped in my head
With yet again
Heart in hand, or at least what's left

What a fool
To love you
Be attached  

What a fool
To love your
Think you're my human

What a fool
To ignore the signs
And believe it was fate

What a fool
To follow my heart
Ignore my mind
Follow what I feel
And not what I'm told

You told me not to,
It wasn't right timing
Even pushed me away
I didn't care
Still i tried
Giving you my love
Showing you my soul

I knew what you said was true
It's not the right time to love you
I ignored every word
Each action you made to prove
You were no good for me

My heart would break
We both knew that
But still
We never stopped speaking
I'm not sure why
If you knew
My heart would only die

Is it a right to write
Or should I deny
That life is but to write
Then you are
My forever goodnight
Till the sunlight arises
And continue our nights thoughts out loud

Broken beyond repair
Time will soon reveal
Growing up as just one the guy
Could **** really **** **** up when the time come she meets a man showing interest
Sure she has experience but
She doesn’t contain any relationship knowledge that most consider to be logic
She’s always been one the dudes
An underdog for dudes in various crews
She let herself be used
Just for the fact she was wanted even if it be just for the night
She taught herself it was alright
To stand on her own
Time went on she remained as underdog
Until she met the man who showed her all of what she never expected to happen in this lifetime
It all was tough even more since she had no ex boyfriends or guys drooling to her presence
Everything was confusing
Because she grew up a just one the dude
She thought it be too good to be true
That one day a dude would be more than a friend , lover or be even better
A best friend and lover
That’s not meant for people like her
People like her could only get to lucky to be an underdog, just one the guys
So even now she believes it’s all too good to be true Hahahaha jokes on you
She will remain ruined
With only time to tell
If there ever comes a true man
Big enough to reveal
She’s more than just one the dudes
She’s a real queen
And deserves to feel
What most don’t care for these days
Doesn’t all this sound lame
Gunna hit the hay
Before I have to pay
For sharing what shouldn’t be said

Much of a given ****
Not here very much
You ***** and *****
She’s twisted and sick
Still you run back so quick

Life you have always wished
Blinding your clear sight
Of the truth that lies
It ends the same each time

Man left all alone
Picking up the pieces
Of his worn-out heart
She shattered towards the floor
And wrecking his souls once more

much of a given ****
Not here very much
You ***** and *****
Still you run back so quick
So my given *****
Are not here very much

Wake up
Put a smile on your face
See that sparkle in your eyes
Know you're going to be alright
These hard times don't last
Eventually they'll all fade away
All the memories you made
Will no longer make you cry
You'll soon have a great time
While out by yourself
See the sky , changing by time
Listen to the surrounding sounds
Take deep breathes
Feel your heart beat
You're alive
Everything may not be right
But within time
You'll be happy again
One day at a time
Remember it takes time

this one is a real one, gone be long one; bare with me if you tryna feel me and land two feet to how I think.
been for forever if I think, that I been tryna let this **** out.
I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.
still thinking it out, feeling it out , running around tryna figure this **** out.
cause how I speak about this is some real hard **** to do without coming out as something its not
Its still a hard thought, not even processed but racing to be blurted out.
how my mind got betrayed , I done been part of a fucken game
nd that's not okay
I want to scream and break **** for these voices talking all at once at the top their lungs
theyre all fucken lost , almost like sprung out bums that are on the run from the cops
cause you ****** some **** up , messing my head up
thought that **** had already been ****** up
but guess it could get ****** more
and I think it was too much
these voices don't shut up
I cant write about the bite
theres no fucken fight
just stranded in daylight
like hey take care now
you are some fucken fool
I wasn't really ever cool
so scoot scoot , I don't want to hear from you
is this **** true ?
my dude , you are a **** ,
cant fucken believe this ****
theres no fucken words to it
just **** the game
you played your turn , its game over
no next player turn
you cleared the scoreboard
for some ***** and two ice cream cones
hope they were great
cause you ****** up my mental state
aint ever cool no more
both walked out doors ,
without waving away,
no hate tiny bit a pain but
the door been erased
im perfectly okaye
stay the **** away
im not into games
where the rules are whatever you decide
got better **** to do
none of it involves you
sorry dude ,
this is last goodbye
till another life
take care and always be safe
remember that game can always be changed
so watch your ways
cause you too can be played
and youll be never same sane
take that blame for chasing fame

Can’t complain
Feeling lame
Having this pain
Wishing I could have stayed
Wondering about your day
And if you’re okaye
Did you eat today
Or forget to rest
Be over stressed
Underdressed
Like you getting pressed to impress
Become a version of success
That doesn’t express
What you wish to address

I try try try
But all I do is
Cry cry cry
Why can't I get you out of my mind
Sleepless nights
Restless days
Im losing my mind
Why must I miss you so much
Why must I miss you at all
I try try try
to rid you from my mind
But once I'm free
Something so small brings you back to me
I cry cry cry
I want to die die die
Nothing to block my feelings
Nothing to block the memories
I'm living in reality
And all I want is to
Be living in a fantasy
Just to escape the real inside me
So I won't cry cry cry
Until I sleep through the night

Just like the rest
You're obsessed with your ex
Blinded from neglect
You failed to see
I was trying my best
to have you notice me
I failed just like the rest
Because to you
No one could compare
to be better than your ex
And you made that very clear
So I'll just stand clear
& hold back these tears
Cause just like the rest
You're obsessed with your ex
& you'll never have a next

Started missing your face
So I made a call to your mom
It was nice to hear her voice
A smile to put on my face
An image to put in my brain
How I miss you both much
She heal my heart
When it feels to be burning down
Then she shared the news
Two of you living there
What great news
Not even a frown appeared
How great to feel
No tears falling down
No whimpers in my ear
We said we'd do lunch
When I come into town
Telling her that I couldn't,
No that I wouldn't want
To bump into you
She understood
And told me not to worry
We would stand clear
How funny she is
Oh I miss her
And you too
See you guys soon
Or well , not you.

smart went crazy
truth went trendy
must admit im missin you like crazy
just getting by as I keep tellin all these lies that im alright and aint fucken up no more
cant say when I last felt like myself
just know im checked out the day I had to let you go
didn't even have you but ya know
we know what it was when it was
and what it wasn't when it wasn't what it was
some **** that twist your tongue
not exactly sure what just know it went something like that
in those lines I wrote there above
really wish I knew what the **** it was
cause it drives me nuts
im losing memories of you
not going away, just fading away … place to the end of my brain
im tryna cope with not hearing your voice or seeing your face
**** just getting worse
must have a type of curse \all was better when you were around
know it was hell but you put up
and am not something great probably someone you hate
but ya wont speak my name
whenever you do it taste like something you wouldn't redo
im cool just wanted to say im missing you

a mind that can not ever feel right
heart that does not even fight
body that becomes light
remember everything will be alright

you gotta keep in mind
you must fail to achieve
easier said then done , we all know
but don't lose hope

its a world of your own
don't forget that
what you want , you can have
just cause its not great so society says
**** it , they can talk
so man up and walk
don't talk , just go handle it how you want
don't let other knock you off
you gunna be great
hell you already are

never forget that
days seems long
nights don't even come
always stuck in your head
don't let it change your ways
cause that **** can become a mess
and none the less you got this


your mind is fine
that heart that hold hurt, it will heal
body gone light becomes extra fine
stop that frowning
man it up , pick your head up

life a fucken mess
we all been there
less than or more
we can all say , we spent some time down the dark maze
getting lost
losing ourselves beyond  
talking of sane insane
life is just a game
thought the maze corrupts your head
you will find the light

learn from the daze
feel amazed
those dark days , thought you were better off gone
now look at you my friend
you standing tall
going at it as it comes
at a pace , this is no race
don't let society rush your moment
its all gunna take some time
cut yourself a little slack

life down the drain, feeling shame
change that frown
pick up your head
fix that crown
youre gunna make it out
doesn't seem so now
but promise my friend
this aint the end
not just yet
youll find the better
and love the pain when you reach that end

see now
that light is getting bright
youre doing alright
it was one hell a fight
may have lost yourself
but gained a new view
life couldn't be better
you own this world
its yours to do as shall wish
don't let it be anything less
or youll hold it in pain throughout your veins
making insane be insane
not like you wont be able to regain
just gets harder each fall
might have to even crawl
so take charge of your mind
see your new sight
given the mind a feeling of right
heart of gold , body that grows

you got this
your doing great
don't lose hope
it will be better just remember
rise back up after each fall
take your time , its not a race
then youll feel great
like a new dude
so very few
cant translate this write
and have better sight
but all will be aright

stay up ;