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Jun 1 · 119
Karmen Jun 1
As I close my garage and drive away, all I can think of is the escape; Is it really an escape or easy to not let them see the pain. My heart is heavy; my mind so full can't even fathom a tear to pull. I'm lost, and drained don’t even know who will listen to my brain. I've pushed, pulled and choked, and drowned now its surround. Cause she had doubt felt fear and neglect like someone's hands around her neck. Her depths so wide and cracks so thin how could she ever feel she’ll win. Worry is anxiety depression, with suicide is supposedly a sin. My father, who is in heaven, please guide my path for soon to see it all, only my wrath as I close my garage and drive away.
Writing from my cousin, sharing the poem for all.
Jun 1 · 88
Karmen Jun 1
Blindly loved or love be blind whatever peace my heart defines. My body my soul was given like blood for my life was forsaken from the one that I loved. Was alone, bruised, torn but for worse the feeling of left confused. Was it me, what I do my heart poured for a live I lived for. A family home, a career a journey never to believe this man and his irony. Although carrying his only child was betrayed numerous times girls that hasn’t even ran my mile. I wouldve done, could’ve done and then still did mainly because I was having a kid. Swalled my pride put my insecurity aside for what to be left alone to cry. Yet now 3 years later my heart looks back back feel peace and endurance to God set my only track. He built my strength off pain cheating and absue to allow me to see he is the is the only man my heart shall choose.
My cousin shared this writing with me. I felt the poem should be shared with all
Mar 2019 · 92
Shouldn’t blame
Karmen Mar 2019
Much of a given ****
Not here very much
You ***** and *****
She’s twisted and sick
Still you run back so quick

Life you have always wished
Blinding your clear sight
Of the truth that lies
It ends the same each time

Man left all alone
Picking up the pieces
Of his worn-out heart
She shattered towards the floor
And wrecking his souls once more

much of a given ****
Not here very much
You ***** and *****
Still you run back so quick
So my given *****
Are not here very much
Karmen Feb 2019
Is it a right to write
Or should I deny
That life is but to write
Then you are
My forever goodnight
Till the sunlight arises
And continue our nights thoughts out loud
Nov 2018 · 92
Karmen Nov 2018
hi, hello how are you
oh nice, youre doing just fine
great to hear
oh me, how am I ?
man, couldn't be better

both know we are full of lies
saying congrats on your new life
happy to hear youre getting on by
handling your life

gotta keep that mask
cant let it out
gotta remain above the clouds
keep moving south

shouldn't chat long
or ill fall
tell you how im a mess
haven't cleaned up yet
im lost at the block, kinda fucken stuck
cant get over this wall
its too **** tall
goes for very long
that I hit a fall
at the bottom lookin up, tryna figure out how to come up

tired takin falls
wont you help me move a long
we haven't spoken in so long
its destroying my thoughts
im tryna move on
know you are all the way through
good for you, happy for youu
really am
im tryna do my best
to get over you
hell, I don't know why you keep popping in my head
I just want to end this phase
of wishing to see your face
know itll never come true
time to knock these walls
that all involve you
and make me go all loop
Oct 2018 · 72
082218 pg1
Karmen Oct 2018
smart went crazy
truth went trendy
must admit im missin you like crazy
just getting by as I keep tellin all these lies that im alright and aint fucken up no more
cant say when I last felt like myself
just know im checked out the day I had to let you go
didn't even have you but ya know
we know what it was when it was
and what it wasn't when it wasn't what it was
some **** that twist your tongue
not exactly sure what just know it went something like that
in those lines I wrote there above
really wish I knew what the **** it was
cause it drives me nuts
im losing memories of you
not going away, just fading away … place to the end of my brain
im tryna cope with not hearing your voice or seeing your face
**** just getting worse
must have a type of curse \all was better when you were around
know it was hell but you put up
and am not something great probably someone you hate
but ya wont speak my name
whenever you do it taste like something you wouldn't redo
im cool just wanted to say im missing you
jpurnal in feel, stined
Oct 2018 · 161
Karmen Oct 2018
all unique , to our own  technique
we critique ourselves as if there is no one else around
xcept' when we're really underground
our attention turns to the ones that surround us;
the ones that love us, or ones we cannot have
what else is there to do when we're 1000ft down,
trapped in our head, feeling like our life is cursed
how much worse, is sounding like its rehearse
we may not like our life in this time,
that's alright
keep yourself above the dirt
but if you slip & become hurt, know you'll be heard
and your loved ones will be there to help you up
you'll be roughed up, but they'll give you hugs
tell about the times you were young
and wish you'd see
that you have your own technique
you are so very unique
no need to critique what you do
life is always on the move
don't hit snooze, or get *****
otherwise you'll lose the love of your life
end up feeling like some other
and get lost in a wander
to a point where there isn't any turning back
none will be glad, in fact we'll be sad
cause we cant't have you back walking a similar path
we'll only be able to look back
and remember the times we had
Oct 2018 · 259
flame knight light
Karmen Oct 2018
thank you
you helped me find the truth
you were the life of me
whole life beautiful

when the fire burns out , I know it ain't pretty
but baby ima gone be okaye
they say things fall apart
I know in my heart we'll come back
and have a good laugh when we looking back

im just hopin we'll meet up some day
talk about where we been
all the ******* we been put through
how we always stayed strong
remember after all
im gone be here, no matter how long

take a step back
skip ahead if that's what you want
know we are young, and that we're growing old
but ain't a thing gone change
youll always remain, number one flame
how I see it even if we are completely broken
im willing to work with it
promise ill always be strong

youre the one that helped me make it through it all
know you don't exactly see it
no one elsse really gets it
I don't give a ****
if looking insane as I remain wherever you stay

whole life so **** beautiful
know you cant exactly see it
but you're the reason Im stronger then before
finding truth in whoever I am
you became most of life to me

let me just say
I know you claim to hate
but that's not in my way
cause you've been part of this great change
know there was lots pain
that why I write to remember
how far ive came
and who ive got to give thanks
for making me feel better about this life I don't wish to remain ',

got me wanting to stick around
watch the flames burn down
cause it is its own beauty
we may have fallen apart
but baby one day we're gone be back
have good laugh about all this
cant believe we met up again

honestly im fucken blessed
you don't know why I always claim this
cause you never saw more of  yourself
but honestly you made me who I am
stronger than before
I have you to thank for this
whole life beautiful
wished we never had to go own ways
in the end we will meet again
cause I aint given up that soon
youre my whole moon
reason I bloom
so im gunna always be there
even if that flame disappears
i'll stay near for when you give me the clear

we had fear from this journey
but thank yeeuus
I had you there
helping me through
just hope
I didn't mess your plan up
from us meeting up
always wanted the best for both of us
if it meant going opposite ways
I wouldn't be okaye but know ill be able to fight
keep myself upright ; least pretend im alright

we gone meet again
gone laigh at this **** one day
life has it amazing ways
to keep the flame from running to the ground
we're gonna rise from this
it worked out for both routes

take care now
ill be here , hmu when you like turning out
cause I cant lose you now
youre already far out
try not to completely disappear
I care
took some lyrics from a song but switched it up and it was only a few lines. the rest is all mine. to my flame soul , ill be here till there no more world to roam .
Oct 2018 · 63
Karmen Oct 2018
this one is a real one, gone be long one; bare with me if you tryna feel me and land two feet to how I think.
been for forever if I think, that I been tryna let this **** out.
I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.
still thinking it out, feeling it out , running around tryna figure this **** out.
cause how I speak about this is some real hard **** to do without coming out as something its not
Its still a hard thought, not even processed but racing to be blurted out.
how my mind got betrayed , I done been part of a fucken game
nd that's not okay
I want to scream and break **** for these voices talking all at once at the top their lungs
theyre all fucken lost , almost like sprung out bums that are on the run from the cops
cause you ****** some **** up , messing my head up
thought that **** had already been ****** up
but guess it could get ****** more
and I think it was too much
these voices don't shut up
I cant write about the bite
theres no fucken fight
just stranded in daylight
like hey take care now
you are some fucken fool
I wasn't really ever cool
so scoot scoot , I don't want to hear from you
is this **** true ?
my dude , you are a **** ,
cant fucken believe this ****
theres no fucken words to it
just **** the game
you played your turn , its game over
no next player turn
you cleared the scoreboard
for some ***** and two ice cream cones
hope they were great
cause you ****** up my mental state
aint ever cool no more
both walked out doors ,
without waving away,
no hate tiny bit a pain but
the door been erased
im perfectly okaye
stay the **** away
im not into games
where the rules are whatever you decide
got better **** to do
none of it involves you
sorry dude ,
this is last goodbye
till another life
take care and always be safe
remember that game can always be changed
so watch your ways
cause you too can be played
and youll be never same sane
take that blame for chasing fame
Oct 2018 · 791
Karmen Oct 2018
often wonder how you think
but then remember I don't even care that much
cause your thoughts work in your own unique ways
that's extremely okaye , youre entitled to your voice
just please remember to breathe
give me a moment to process your minds technique
its often tumbling its way down
hard to wrap my head around when its just racing down
tryna touch ground without stopping to the direction its in
got me confused as much as their is to be
youre your own person I do believe
and your thinking is some sort of unique
that I can never get to reach me
and honestly I don't hate
im okaye with your ways of speak
but don't push me to the lowest selfesteem
leaving me without nothing to speak
cause you really made me like a tossed out dog treat
not having no feelings of what you really just did to me
I still can not speak
hard to believe , but im so fucken beat
youd left me out to be the meat for a final time
I cant handle the crossing line
I don't care to hear you speak all the excuses your mind can think
you've already made me so fucken weak
I cant breathe when I think about all the past
how it suddenly makes sense
im just in disguist and it hurts my head
it killed my heart
my only real what I thought was a best friend
doing some sly **** and playing me like im some *****
but for why
and for how
or but forreal
I can not even feel
you really played me
I cant remove my uttershock
still frozen in spot
frozen fucken thought
***** played tf out me
how tf  but what
I don't know now
but we aren't really friends now
and I know im still there
just not ever gunna be all there
cause you really cant
you don't and do but wont deserve to be someone I keep at my side
not a relationship
no more friendship
I took my foot off the floating ship
im just drifting away
you sailing away
but im perfectly okay
I got played by a *****
some funny **** to say
something so funny I cant wrap it aroud my brain
I don't care now
your thinking is its own unique way  
and I should want to know that technique
so I can be more on beat
see how you think
but honestly I rather just have a drink
forget that friendship was once a thing
im not even fucken weak
**** im living like theres nothing wrong with me
ive been hit with the stick
woken out a dream
who this ***** really could be
who this ***** is
man, I aint even trippen
it is whatever it is
im just happy it was something
that I knew could be a possibility
just thought more unlikely
cause youre supposed to be my friend
not what now some sort enemy
attacking when the lights went out
like the rest these sneaks
that just got something else going on
that makes them take a ride along
not controlled of their own
I got it , I know
but fool, take hold
youre the one who is supposed to have control
why you let them have tiniest type of leash
I know you aren't that weak
fucken speak
take some time to think
youre better then these thieves
don't follow their ways
pull away from their hold
see all the things you could have done
finally stand up and do what you keep wishing you would've
how come this is always coming up
aren't you tired of the same song
I know its played too long
that way I turned the sound off
im headed out cause I need something that cant be sung
so long . be gone .
Oct 2018 · 4.3k
Karmen Oct 2018
writing comes like lightning
I'm fighting this writing
tired of wanting to explain things out
I feel more like im drowning
cause knowing you aren't all right
got me staying up every night .
its night out, all alone out
tryna block these thoughts out
pause the flashback of the last call we had
the feelings that flowed out
your heart out to reveal
hit me like lightening
some sort of frightening beauty
it has me sinking
not knowing how I should be thinking
ive wanted this for a long while now ,
and not ever receiving was little pleasing
so excuse me for shrieking
this apology wasn't anything I thought id be getting
you've made me drown  more than known
sinking further in a world of fucken dumb love
you are what I hate when I love , love when I hate
does that even make sense
you make me be better then okay
not many are lucky to say
I know you don't believe me
but it is your world, im lucky to be living in it
your world and lucky I had a chance to be in it.
year gone now I don't know what to say
im not better off , im a disaster since we fell off
life just feels wrong and its taking me on
im trying to stay strong
wish you would only call
then I could keep on
not move on cause I hold onto your flame strong
I know its dumb
but ima be here even if it takes forver long
cause I meant it when I said
ill always be here
even not near
you got me on my feet
can even be a buttdial without a speak
youll have me at my peak
quick away  from weak
just think
you could assist me from this lightning steak
cause im almost knocked out off my feet
waiting to take leave
if we never get to speak
so please
message me when you read
and tell me I better chill before you leave
or you know what I mean at least
too much feel to put words for all that's gone on
Sep 2018 · 270
Karmen Sep 2018
MGK Love Overdose 551am
Septa 4 2018
      MGK love overdose just one of the very fuxken many songs I am so deeply in love
      They got me all thinking , reminiscing all kinds of everything featuring you
       Swear **** should grow old but it don’t and as much as I’m told “gotta let him go “ it doesn’t seem like so
      See now, hear me out right now
      Been a whole year almost since I had to go and leave you , not wanting it despite the life I had going on
       Knew it would most likely be the last time I’d see your face
         Some days I think the memories start to fade ; sort of makes me insane
         I ain’t want it that way , wish the memories shared would forever stay in brain  
          But life ain’t a blunt to rolll like that
        You drove me insane , made me this way
You’re not at all to blame ;
In fact I praise your name and the gains that came from all types of pain you made me face
          Don’t mean this all as you made Cause I too chose to go along and keep it the same
Though I lost my sane , went partially insane and had to move states
             Love you anyways
            Nothing so the same ain’t planing on it to change , gotta keep going this way till next sun come up
              Pull a chair up , this just started
A year last now , just about can’t let you loose
Wish you were near or magically appear
A year that I haven’t argued
A year with no joking and insults
A year no long drives
A year of no laughter
A year no real feel
A year no busting missions and late night talks till dawn
No hikes up the hills to see the views and just chill
No sneaking around or tryna keep it down
A year of no stares , glares feeling of little no care
Those eyes have not met mine in a year
And I don’t *** to cope
The *** is almost a year since we last had a bit of a blast
Making it all last
Wish it could not be the past
Hoping it was all never my last
A year since I heard your voice
Heard stories of your children and family , the fun and dumb things that have gone on
The times we spent , see not all great not all hell
We never felt the same or maybe we are insane
And couldn’t every admit and only commit to games of playing no same
We had to lie our feel or share and deny
Either or
For whatever
Doesn’t matter cause those eyes
Those eyes met my soul
I recognized it all too well
Felt good to be home
And now it’s s year since I felt
Your souls isn’t matched with mine
Actually in a fight I feel
And if we shall make it
Overcome this year of not speaking
This year of our separation
Baby I promise things could get great
Promised I’ll do my best to make it back
For you with you or not
Doesn’t change s **** thing
Ima ride for you till I ain’t got none left to run on
I know it’s dumb
But your my flame
We aren’t meant to forever separate
We’ll reunite , maybe not today
Just some day
Latez .
MGK lovenoverdosed slowed growth thoughts they this song .
Sep 2018 · 215
1 sautdiful 090118
Karmen Sep 2018
Long drive to make it home
Long road to be filled with ton of thoughts
Wish I could only raught
Although I have moved on
Not one I'm too fond of , maybe thought ,
One you may not know as defined
After all no one mind thinks same
Or nearly sane
Sorry to say, makes you awake
Haven't foresaken his name
Wish I could say, cause he's the one to have made me partly this way
Not H'E' who is 'all great'
I don't speak of him in vein , I call him flame of twin
Still high hopes of reunite.....
The rest to this writing will be posted in new posts . On another day .
Aug 2018 · 2.1k
Karmen Aug 2018
Not same am I Renee
Same sane not, who is this Renee know do not know of
Humanism does define Renees sum up sort of
Her travels though this life doe not contain great lies
Unheard voice leaves it’s messages in depth when least expect
If you’re wishing to seek who’s Renee to who you speak
Take a seat , learn to breathe
Repeat after me
Woo-saaaaa ,
Light shutted sight in follow for seconds
Enjoy the earth from your surrounds
Talk little out loud , beginning with name of whom you seek
Desire to hear the message from your head
All ears. You’re pretty clear
I’m near
Renee that remain with depth
Stayed with true care
Rooting for you to have the very best that which whatever you define it to be
You mean more to me
To scare me off or cause fear
I am not lost
Or scared to seek beyond
Just here for here
Whenever you may seek or be need
Don’t be prideful
The Renee you do not know
The Renee you know of from once
They both and other forms , do not judge
Purely goldly just love .
*nudge *
Stay up
High high who am I lol
Replace name with you or change the ranges to whom
Aug 2018 · 109
In head
Karmen Aug 2018
Can’t complain
Feeling lame
Having this pain
Wishing I could have stayed
Wondering about your day
And if you’re okaye
Did you eat today
Or forget to rest
Be over stressed
Like you getting pressed to impress
Become a version of success
That doesn’t express
What you wish to address
Aug 2018 · 296
82518 Wordpress blog .
Karmen Aug 2018
It's in the arts
It may be hard to tell
We are not all well
Might as well cast us to hell
We won't be forever young
Let us live this once
Dance while we can
Before it's old and makes us want to go
Like never known land
Discovered from Peter Pan
Removing all fear
Revealing how near , we are almost there
Couple more steps
We'll be in the clear
Young once again
Till we meet again
My dear
This isnt goodbye , but hi
Aug 2018 · 76
sight 6-11-18
Karmen Aug 2018
a mind that can not ever feel right
heart that does not even fight
body that becomes light
remember everything will be alright

you gotta keep in mind
you must fail to achieve
easier said then done , we all know
but don't lose hope

its a world of your own
don't forget that
what you want , you can have
just cause its not great so society says
**** it , they can talk
so man up and walk
don't talk , just go handle it how you want
don't let other knock you off
you gunna be great
hell you already are

never forget that
days seems long
nights don't even come
always stuck in your head
don't let it change your ways
cause that **** can become a mess
and none the less you got this

your mind is fine
that heart that hold hurt, it will heal
body gone light becomes extra fine
stop that frowning
man it up , pick your head up

life a fucken mess
we all been there
less than or more
we can all say , we spent some time down the dark maze
getting lost
losing ourselves beyond  
talking of sane insane
life is just a game
thought the maze corrupts your head
you will find the light

learn from the daze
feel amazed
those dark days , thought you were better off gone
now look at you my friend
you standing tall
going at it as it comes
at a pace , this is no race
don't let society rush your moment
its all gunna take some time
cut yourself a little slack

life down the drain, feeling shame
change that frown
pick up your head
fix that crown
youre gunna make it out
doesn't seem so now
but promise my friend
this aint the end
not just yet
youll find the better
and love the pain when you reach that end

see now
that light is getting bright
youre doing alright
it was one hell a fight
may have lost yourself
but gained a new view
life couldn't be better
you own this world
its yours to do as shall wish
don't let it be anything less
or youll hold it in pain throughout your veins
making insane be insane
not like you wont be able to regain
just gets harder each fall
might have to even crawl
so take charge of your mind
see your new sight
given the mind a feeling of right
heart of gold , body that grows

you got this
your doing great
don't lose hope
it will be better just remember
rise back up after each fall
take your time , its not a race
then youll feel great
like a new dude
so very few
cant translate this write
and have better sight
but all will be aright

stay up ;
Jul 2018 · 424
Karmen Jul 2018
Reminder of all reality took a swing to my face just today
Cause all isn’t the same
Memories are a fade
And I’m tryna go on
The thought that it’s the end
When we aint even dead
It’s all wished for never
Wanted to be your homie
Talk a little in the distance
But it’s your misses
She’ll make you regret
Whatever this , that
Was not when is
You’ll miss this
Just don’t know it yet
You’re gunna see
I was widdit
And no one can commit like I
Your eyes tell
Alll you hide and want to deny
I can see your life
your soul that guides
Reminds your heart
It’s its own beautiful art
Thought days get dark
It leaves a mark
That’ll spark another’s
Offering a hand
To make you feel at ease
Sweet breeze
I take in, coming one
Misery will not defeat me
Ahhaa forgot what I was on topic about . ******
Karmen Jul 2018
Mind body heart soull all consumed
Too fucken much when I least expected
Fucken up my vibes
Making me question each word I  express
No time to study , only blurred out
Not making sense
They usually aren’t what I’m tryna say
But feeling hells tough , sense of rush
There’s nothing to
Help myself return from this  dark fog
Becoming more within every hour
Slowly hiding my presence
Causing  it to be tough time seeing,
A path that might lead you home
So you may sink to your overworking  vibe . Seeking for a feel of something real
Cause lately you been feeling kind dead
You want this to end
Your life
Thoughts always going on
Too many ways of feels
******* I. Wish I could express
But forreal ain’t nothing to say
For you to stay
Or know my pain
My  feels are alll too Strong for someone have had  never to deal with things always alone  .
You want   It to be givens break but bet that’a pending joke I’m risking to state  
So lates
Jul 2018 · 262
Post wrote note
Karmen Jul 2018
When u lost all hope
And wanna cut the rope
Days going by
Trying to find why
You’re still alive
Then all shifts, leaving you shook
Suddenly there is light
Giving meaning for life
Giving meaning to live
Have a bit less fear
Encourage you to keep battling on
Construct better life
To make up for poor decisions made in yo past
That you hold with no shame
Allowing it all to be aired
So you don’t chase to be impaired
Forget who you were
When all things once were fair
Still showing care to the ones you love
Placing yourself in last
That begin new thought with no promises of ever having light
Karmen Jul 2018
Vievievie no replies ignite

I like to talk don’t care if I’m all too blunt cause **** I just enjoy peoples and sharing thoughts no matter what
Sorry if I annoy but I don’t ever intend
Just be easy
Tell me to let there be rest from sharing my head and expression of things totally random
Cause I don’t wanna **** off being friends
So lay it out straight without intent to make harm to ones head of depth feels that never get real rest
Least not till death
Hurt of no reply cause I message too many times cause hell I wanna talk and like sharing my feels not thinking it would scare off or be perceived as another type of way but ok
Jul 2018 · 213
3why amazing 420am
Karmen Jul 2018
This memory of us which I do not share
Hold onto beyon depths of all ruts
A moment that felt of sincere
The most secure
About what you mean to me
And remain a place in heart
Honestly didn’t expect , so this memory I’ve never shared revealing my moment of true care for you removing years of doubt I always felt
Everything changed
What was always said, the real meaning of true friendship was no longer just words
But something that I felt and now understood
Cause we always mistook things that weren’t even spoke
Giving us a taste of the sandyhook
Remaining alive , center of the disasterous path it weaved
Leaving speechless on how to rebuild
Attempt to heal things not meant
     Hospital bed, coming to side ; squeezing in as I lean at your chest
Then began a quick rest
You never spoke , not even a sound
Remained still though cramped in that tiny patients waiting bed
Time going by
Still no sign of you even being real
You remain still
I assumed you were in own zone
Don’t know if you felt some wave of what i consumed in something of so many things that were all too real and hard to reveal Cause it had feels
A friendship I never believed
Disregarding your words of expressed care and love that you shared for the bond we built a friendship that be constantly stalled in building up.
I ****** up and thought too much
Made myself think I was Trippen on what I felt
It wasn’t real
Something in Munich head
Cause you weren’t really all there
You were no where near
And silenced vibes no physical motions
Made me feel I was honestly on my own
Just with physical feel cause the owner mind and soul were off seeking some guy and struggling its own mind of so many past nights
I killed my feelings of real and moment of love in the doing at being to my side cause there’s never been such type of cool connection in relating to us .
Exsistent in present time I’ll never know
Nor do I wish an answer to provide clarity of mind
Whatever it be
You there with me and all
Or simply gone out in another realm
Doesn’t matter at the end
Cause was I cherish to the most
And never exposed
Means so much to me
Not even this of what I write can really
Tell how I feel and felt
What change it made
The vibe of friendship once filled of doubt and thoughts of lies
Now washed , given little trace and
Added feels of a bit more to be some home
Knowing the battles we will fight
Won’t diminish our care and love
We will always remain great friends
Even when things are not said
Or if we go dead
But that I added as a last minute joke cause well I don’t do closings to my feels all great and ****
But that’s how you know it’s real
A random close to something meant to be forreal
So swoopesdela- ooomf
Right now sharing you’re awesome posame late early write tired too tired phone call good night fighter higher power devour
Jul 2018 · 196
Jan 18 . 18 . Acted child
Karmen Jul 2018
A child i acted, you say as if you knew
But in fact you had no fucken clue
To talk when you weren’t ever near
Never did you get a chance to hear from my side of my own mind
You declared left and right
About my obsession with your ex
Like you knew the thing flowing in my mind
But ya didn’t
Ya didn’t fucken no the thoughts inside
The things I always had flowing my mind
Hunny you’re so heart over mind
That ain’t the care when it comes to who I’m sticking by
See from my side its mind before heart
Only a fool and not to come at you
But only a fool will let the heard lead the mind
That’s just plain wrong
Hunny you gotta let your mind tell your heart
Then you’re really there
The game really is
You fake that your heart leads your mind
In reality your mind leads your heart
It’ll be easier at getting on when you’re aware
But hunny you still ain’t there
And I don’t think you’ll get unstuck from the middle of the path
It’s really fucken sad
You feel sorry for me ?
Oh please
I don’t feel feel that way for me
My mind is leading the path I take
I only wish you’d be able to see it that way
I’m going the opposite way
Suggest you the same
Or you’ll forever hold pain
For the child’s sake
Give y’all a real break
Get the **** away
Stop living in the past life of what once upon a time
This life isn’t a fairytale
Ain’t no happily ever after
What type of lie you been going at inside your head
Karmen Jul 2018
Here’s a good one for ya
Y’all heard this one before in fact
“ you are here for a purpose, we are all here for a better purpose “
Well what purpose ?
Something you ask people back & let sit in the back of your head wondering answers as for what and why .
Am I right ?
How many of ya have found your answer ?
If you haven’t , are you content with the unknown  
See, that statement is what we all hear
Something we’re told when we are in dumps and about to give up
And even though it can’t be stated with an answer it’s something that sort of lifts us up .
And what’s crazy to me is ,
What’s my purpose for walking this earth
That’s no longer a question for me
I have my answer, I know and am aware of my answer to that question .
Karmen Jul 2018
call me a fool cause i played it cool
to your ways one would consider cruel
assuming i had no clue you were using me like a tool
newsflash my dude, i knew of my use
wasnt hard to tell i meant nothing to you
nothing to the man you wished to become, seeking a light of success
in eyes of the chick that birthed your first heart

i played it cool, perceiving myself to be a fool
acting like i had no, choosing to be your tool
well aware i was diving deep
into a hole that would forever sink
darkness that only grew more in depth

you warned me many time
but your soul showed there was more sincere way inside
so i remained , allowing you to take lead
knowing my place, giving you space
allowing my trust to be placed
hopes in rebuilding the self-confidence you highly lacked

all to a tough past
you felt had some shame
having troubles to embrace
it helped you become the man you are today
something great
you stay fighting to succeed in eyes of your
you played a person you were not
whenever there was an awaken depth within our encounter
forcing yourself to be cruel
i continued to be cool
be perceived as a fool
for our souls intertwined, wanted all to remain cool
for i did not fight, or take flight
seeking revenge wasn't an option
i chose to dive into the everlasting depth of a hole
allowing you so much control
losing my own ways to life
forgetting my own reasons to live
like a fool you became too cruel
not pacing your use of using me as a tool
making things so uncool
you had too much authority and used it all so soon
awakened my eyes
allowing me some sight
see where i could escape free
from the leash
had worked it to such short length
there be no fight
in releasing me
to become better then i once was
i soar far away
keeping you in my heart
but never allowing
capture to be an option
journal, book to be
Jul 2018 · 217
Karmen Jul 2018
It's really fucken bummy
beautiful writing developing in mind
feeling sparks in heart
knowing people will relate
expressing yourself, speaking in general
or so you'd hope

once your hands taken off
your pen becomes lost
scribbling its own thoughts
nothing like you even thought
ending up a writing , that was meant for anybody
to a writing involving our times together
feelings and memories i thought had passed

lighted eyes, sparked mind
feelin hurt to discover im not really over
thanks to my hand taking over
telling what my heart is still mourning over
thought i lost this heart ,
but my hand reveals its still in place
writings always becoming you
****, im such a fool
journal entry to many . soon to be book .
Mar 2018 · 139
Side notation to self
Karmen Mar 2018
It is in fact unfortunate that I do not write as much I did in the past
The past being two years ago when I first came in touch with the bigger part of me and the person I am meant to be and am becoming
But it’s not because I don’t want to
But I do write , I write within my head and being that the time I come up with my best pieces of writings are always unfolded inside the deep depths of my head when I’m occupied physically with other things, a variety of things that I can not stop what I am physically doing to pick up a pen and write
Nor am I able to pick up my phone to type I wish there was a device that could just interrupt what’s in my head being said and sometimes spoken out loud to myself , so that I may reflect it or piece it all.  together and then share it for everyone to hear
The **** I do write or say ; the unfolding of my head is soooo deep and such another person of Carmen that I do not allow to be expressed or viewed so easily if any at all. It’s a shame it’s not easier to express .
But given when I have the real time , believe it that I will one day find the time to type, speak , write all of my deeper depths of self wisdom for others to help them no, correction to assist in guiding them in finding them self but on their own trusty without someone else to thank cause all in all it would have and will have been them that made it happen and that’s what beauty.
For now it is a shame that I can not allow this to happen soon but it is meant to be that way for a bigger beauty and that day I look forward to .
Karmen Feb 2018
I think life’s pretty fucken neat
I wish you could think the same,
See the reason I don’t believe in a thing as hate
Life is faint but it ain’t
Faint is life but it ain’t
Betweeens (((-except when it is is & when it ain’t it just ain’t
You know what I’m sayin’n
Or shall I try to explain it a bit more
Some more words;personal experiences to which relate in at a variety of ways expressing it to each in your own unique way for the other own mind which doesn’t perceive things the same , hardly close to even just alike
I hope you feel me and the words I’m tryna say with the words I’m speaking in paused uttering words
We all have one way to millions of ways
And millions way to just one way
Why hate but not appreciate
Appreciate but not hate
It ain’t so complicate except when it is
Just fall in love with that
Express it your unique way
Try to relate and express the reason it is
Expressing the way you see it, tryna explain and find a means to the others knowledge understanding, expressing what how it seem
Wait, tf I say right there
Tf do I even mean
I’m not even sure it makes sense
To others or even just myself
I don’t even really care anymore
Bout what I was tryna say or tryna remember what it I was I was tryna make relate
It’ll come together later
Or maybe it ain’t till 68years later , in outerpace, between the lines of two lines of five
Lol jk but you see what I mean
Lots of  things to many things, yes it’s a continuous gather and retrieve  help achieve  better although exhausting in real time the appreciation could be felt at all in all while. While not at all ya know lol **** I can’t get it out right yet but yeah
Karmen Jan 2018
Broken beyond repair
Time will soon reveal
Growing up as just one the guy
Could **** really **** **** up when the time come she meets a man showing interest
Sure she has experience but
She doesn’t contain any relationship knowledge that most consider to be logic
She’s always been one the dudes
An underdog for dudes in various crews
She let herself be used
Just for the fact she was wanted even if it be just for the night
She taught herself it was alright
To stand on her own
Time went on she remained as underdog
Until she met the man who showed her all of what she never expected to happen in this lifetime
It all was tough even more since she had no ex boyfriends or guys drooling to her presence
Everything was confusing
Because she grew up a just one the dude
She thought it be too good to be true
That one day a dude would be more than a friend , lover or be even better
A best friend and lover
That’s not meant for people like her
People like her could only get to lucky to be an underdog, just one the guys
So even now she believes it’s all too good to be true Hahahaha jokes on you
She will remain ruined
With only time to tell
If there ever comes a true man
Big enough to reveal
She’s more than just one the dudes
She’s a real queen
And deserves to feel
What most don’t care for these days
Doesn’t all this sound lame
Gunna hit the hay
Before I have to pay
For sharing what shouldn’t be said
Jan 2017 · 248
January 26.17
Karmen Jan 2017
Expectations set so high from everyone you know. Doesn't help when a ***** stay feeling so low, you know? It makes em feel deeper in the hole and no hope to accomplish their real goals. A lost so all wandering the world all on their own and more where to go, to lay their head & have some type of little escape. With so many people setting their goals of what they should be and when to be done by raises the anxiety extremely high. Ending nights with feelings of wishing to just die or maybe be a little high. Set for failure from start when you'very always been told "you'll be the one who gets far, making your life the most" but that's what is not realized when they're telling em they'll reach all these goals. Everything you do, ain't just for you and it affects more than just the life you live. WI think everyone's expectations of you, you're not longer just one. You're all of them, all of the goals they've created into a list. Doesn't matter what you've already done or how far you've come; it'll go unnoticed if it's not from their lists . You'll be left, stuck in your head struggling to really live. Praying to just succeed already so everyone will be pleased and your soul could be set free from things you never wished to even achieve. Finally you can go and be the person you dreamt to be, do the things that make you feel pleased. Your soul is free now go out and finally live. Who knows how long you have before your time comes.
Jul 2016 · 596
Idk whats wrong
Karmen Jul 2016
Alone so long
Makes me question
whats so wrong
Is it how I look
The way I talk
Do I feel
And can you tell
It's all way to strong
Glaring at these stars
As streams run down my cheeks
I just want to know
What the hell I did wrong
Cause last I checked
I've given everything my all
Putting up a front
To get the Job Done
Making it seem
like I have it all
When really down deep
I'm falling to pieces
Begging the Lord please
To help me get some sleep
Jul 2016 · 224
Karmen Jul 2016
Hoping, wishing , dreaming
None of it easy
All the same meaning,
For the most part,
It's beauty to keep
wishing, hoping & dreaming
All keep us smiling
While fighting our battles
The faith we keep
That soon our
Hopes, wishes & dreams
Will come to be
All of what we've waited for
Battled for
Shed these tears for
Waiting for all
Dreams, wishes,  & hopes
To be our cure
Making our smiles real
And ridding the tears
Jul 2016 · 171
Karmen Jul 2016
Love all too
Rare and pure
No one would dare
And so it became clear
My love was not
Ever to be kept
Cause it eventually
Would give them a scare
Make them realize
My love was so pure
And ever so rare
That it had to be shared
Never kept for just one
It seems my heart
Love all too much
And that's what should be feared
Jul 2016 · 173
2 of me
Karmen Jul 2016
Take a glance
I bet that view from the front
Makes you think
Oh **** she's cute
Curves and short
What cute little thing
Take a glance
But this time from the side
What do you see
I am no longer cute and small
This lower buldge of belly
Changes your view on me
You see the rolls
That Fat pushes out
From the waist below
My tummy can't compare
It's like it's hardly there
Now go back
Turn around
Take that glance from the front
Stomach not much
And below the waist not bad
Titts so big
Curves so nice
You'd think **** she's nice
Then you get that glance
From the side
You see my waist below
Hangs low & pushes out
Your views are no more
You're unsure what to think
Now imagine that
Imagine how I feel
Glancing in the mirror
Front view I look great
I should pull some guys
I turn to the side
And I'm put down
Negative words fill my head
There's no way
There's no how
This hanging fat, pushed far out
Has me hating myself
Giving me doubts
There's two views to me
One is great
The other isn't so
It hurts so much
To have let myself down
This lower buldge
Won't go away
If only I could stay
Being face forward
So no one could see
Just how big small I am
Jul 2016 · 315
Karmen Jul 2016
I'm a ****
You're a ****
She's a ****
& that **** over there
He's the biggest **** of all
I give a ****
They take that ****
And say who the **** cares
Take my *****
And you guys just don't give a ****
So what the **** should i do
When all my *****
Are taken and
Not any ***** are given back
But I guess **** it
Cause **** me
No one give a ****
And **** it
I'll make it
And I'll be alright
Jun 2016 · 201
Karmen Jun 2016
Drunk drunk drunk
Drunk I am
All because of a punk
He said he'd stay
And wouldn't break his word
But here I've been
All on my own
Remembering the days we shared
Questioning why he left me all alone
So I've turn my world
All around once again
Sobriety went down the drain
Once he walked away
Nighrt awake
Paranoia knocking on the door
Drunken days
Proving my life is just a waste
Cause when he walked away
I lost myself
All over again
And what shame
It is to say
My sobriety has gone to waste
Jun 2016 · 167
Karmen Jun 2016
It's been two days
And not a word heard
My messages left unread
And calls going missed
I expected nothing less
Cause that's usually best
When it comes to being inside my head
I'll lose my hope
Give up pretty soon
What more is there to do
When you've already left
And I saw it coming too
I already knew you'd leave me too
Without a word shared
But what the ****
Why leave me questioning myself why
How did I **** up this time
And why does it still hurt
If I knew it would happen soon
That you'd leave me too
Leaving me trapped in my head
With yet again
Heart in hand, or at least what's left
Jun 2016 · 168
Karmen Jun 2016
There is no love for me
What a mess I've become to be
I take all things to heart
But still don't let it bother me
Heart made of gold
With love so pure
You'll be unsure of what to do
But I **** you not
I love so much
Never expecting much
I'm pretty ****** up
When you turn away
I'll be left to say
You'll never find another
To love as much as me
And okaye, what a cliche
But really, I give it all I got
To keep the ones I want
Jun 2016 · 490
Not alone
Karmen Jun 2016
It seems to me
There isn't anyone like me
But I'm nothing special
I mean, I used to think
No one would get what I think
Or understand how it is
To feel like the only one
Always put to the side
Left and forgotten
Wondering why
I get no love
What I have to do
To just get a hug
And if I'll ever be loved
It had seemed to me
I was the only one
Who thought so much
Of what could / would come
Of who Im meant to be
Or that I felt so lost
With no luck at the end
Till I saw a glimpse
Of what seemed to be
My awakening call
Saying & showing me
I'm not the only one
I'm not alone
With these thoughts in my head
That I leave unsaid
Hoping for them to end
I put a smile on my face
And feel less stressed
Knowing someone, somewhere
Feels and thinks how I do
That I'm not a complete ****** mess.
In this judgementl world
And to remember, we are blessed.
We'll make it through this battle
Just get some rest
Hope for a better tomorrow
Jun 2016 · 1.1k
Fat i was, fat i am
Karmen Jun 2016
Do you know what it's like
To see hate in your own eyes
As you stare into the mirror
Or get a glimpse of your reflection
That feeling you have inside
Of how much you just want to die
Your insides screaming
As they continue starving
All cause you hate how you look
Mind shouting
You're so **** fat
You don't deserve a man
Trying not to cry
As these rude remarks
Are shouted from your own mind
You'll have to smile and laugh
At just how **** fat you are
Tell yourself you're not really hungry
As you slap your belly
Wishing it would vanish with each slap
This fat I see
This fat I have
This fat I am
This fat is me
Even though I'm not even
Just that Fat anymore
Once you've been fat
There is no going back
As I stand and stare
Observe & compare
How much my body has changed
My conclusion still is
I am so fat
I do not deserve a man
I hate this view of who I am fat
Jun 2016 · 248
Karmen Jun 2016
The past is the past
All that matters is where your heads at
Keep looking up
You'll see better days
No this isn't *******
I've been there done that
Lost myself
And broke myself down
But I put the pipe down
Decided to turnyield around
All it takes is asking for a little help
Don't be afraid
It will be okaye
Go ahead and reach out
Seek some help with your battles
You'll see it'll be the best decision made
I can for sure say it was for me
4 months clean
From the Devils seed
I have my head held high
Walking down a brighter path
Employed and a college student
How I wouldn't be here
If I still had that pipe twirling in my hand
And I just have to say
It was the best decision I've yet to make
So dont worry
You're not the only one fighting the battle
But it is only you who can decide
If help is what you need
to help you succeed and complete those dreams.
Good luck to you
May 2016 · 181
2am in my head
Karmen May 2016
Here we are again
Just laying in bed
With these thoughts in my head
It seems to never end
I'd just like to rest
Escape the stress
Feel nice in a dress
And look the best
It's 2am here
And these thoughts roam my head
As I'm laying bed
Wishing for them to end
These scenarios fill my head
Of what could always be
All the possibilities
Never ending
Wishing they could be
I question all things
Like it's suddenly 215
& I feel nothing
Or feel something I know nothing of
I'm wondering why
Wondering how it is
I feel like
I'm out of place
And shouldn't exist
Too fat to wear a dress
If love is even real  
What's the possibility
Of running into someone who's just like me
We'll at least with their thoughts
But I'd never know
Cause I do not share
What thoughts fill my head
& the scenarios that play
All up in my head
When I'm awake at 2am
Laying in bed
Wishing to get some rest
Escape my stress
How to feel nice in a dress
& look like some of the best
See,  these words a pointless
As they can not explain
What's going on in my head
And what I feel inside
So why do I even try
There's more to say
But it's best I'd go away
Not to annoy anyone
Coming to this page.  
But i'm just a girl
Who's heart is a mess
& this is my daily vent
So God bless
Get some rest & don't stress
Don't ask idk . Made up.
May 2016 · 359
New guy
Karmen May 2016
I was starting to feel a little grey
And then I met your face
You started to brighten up my days
And I forgot what's his face
I didn't think this day would come
But looks who's happy
Look who's recovering
From all the damaged you've done
This guy is good, this guy is sweet
I hope he'll stay
& stick through my troubled heart
This connection is great
It's almost frightening
But feels Oh so great
I hope we can make this last
He's brightened my days
Makes me feel wanted and loved
And makes me forget what's his face
He's given me hope
In the game of love
Where I thought it was all lost
And no where to be found
Oh I hope he stays
Cause this connection is great
May 2016 · 156
Karmen May 2016
20 years old
I already feel so old
And have felt so much hurt
But still I continue to grow
I've done so much
It would last my lifetime
So much more to do
Before I turn 30
I've lost so many friends
That at 20 years old
I wonder where they're all at
If they're alive, dead, married, homeless
Who the hell knows
Before I turn 30
I have to many friends to make
The memories we'll make
As we continue to age
Soon to replace those
Dumber younger days
At 20 years old
I have been through so much
Stuggled ony own
With my heart in hand
Never giving up hope
And fighting all the tears
Many heartbreaks
Still in repair
My dreams falling into place
Before I turn 30
There's so much I must do
I have just these 10years
To finally see
Myself be set free
To being the person
I've become pieced together
From all these years
What a site that will be
To see when I turn 30
Cause at 20 years old
I'm already at shock
At how far I've come
And really grew up
Life is really a crazy thing
Don't you think
But what a beautiful thing
To be only
20 years old
May 2016 · 107
Karmen May 2016
Started missing your face
So I made a call to your mom
It was nice to hear her voice
A smile to put on my face
An image to put in my brain
How I miss you both much
She heal my heart
When it feels to be burning down
Then she shared the news
Two of you living there
What great news
Not even a frown appeared
How great to feel
No tears falling down
No whimpers in my ear
We said we'd do lunch
When I come into town
Telling her that I couldn't,
No that I wouldn't want
To bump into you
She understood
And told me not to worry
We would stand clear
How funny she is
Oh I miss her
And you too
See you guys soon
Or well , not you.
May 2016 · 112
Karmen May 2016
Wake up
Put a smile on your face
See that sparkle in your eyes
Know you're going to be alright
These hard times don't last
Eventually they'll all fade away
All the memories you made
Will no longer make you cry
You'll soon have a great time
While out by yourself
See the sky , changing by time
Listen to the surrounding sounds
Take deep breathes
Feel your heart beat
You're alive
Everything may not be right
But within time
You'll be happy again
One day at a time
Remember it takes time
May 2016 · 191
Idk what is this
Karmen May 2016
Fat fat fat
Is what I used to be
spent most my life
Taking diet pills
starving myself
Working out
Anything to lose this weight
I've gained from the poor choices
I once made from younger days
Listened to the whispers
From all around
Of how big that girl is
She could lose a few pounds
Jokes and rude remarks
Of who I was
Destroyed the person I was inside
I'd cry and cut
To remove what I felt
I'd try so hard but never went anywhere
Here I am
Alive and well today
About 40 pounds down
Still unhappy with myself
Everyone sees it
The weight I've lost
All I see is this flat blob of me
Everything I eat makes me think
I'll blow up from just that bite
I'm doing everything right
Once you've been fat
Your life's been destroyed
There's no such thing
as too little to eat
Everything to me
is too much to eat
I'll continue to starve
And swallow endless diet pills
I'll sit on the curb
Hoping to be as beautiful
As all the girls I see
Cause to me
I'll always be that
Fat fat fat girl
May 2016 · 208
Bench side
Karmen May 2016
Living life
Just doing me
Not worrying about a thing
As I proceed my life
Without you by my side
I've moved on
Sure it took long
But at least now
I can say I'm finally happy
With life and myself
That's all I've ever searched for
And I'm not sure if I I'm to thank you
Cause if it wasn't for you
I wouldn't have grown
To be this person I'm slowly becoming
That's loving life
And achieving my goals
That once meant so much to me
I've opened my eyes
Realized my worth and meaning
All thanks to you
The hell you put me through
With love unexpected
Never meant to stay
Was the best thing
And worst thing
That's ever helped me grow
I'm finally me
I am free
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