Just ******* bleh.
****.

Choking and gasping,
and fighting for air.
I'm drowning in sorrow,
but to weak to care.

I fall to my knees,
and I start to dry-heave.
These tears stream my cheeks,
making it hard to see.

I fall on all fours,
and I roll to my side.
This pain is unreal,
tearing apart my insides.

I welcome the pain,
as my life starts to fade.
A life not worth saving,
to many mistakes have been made.

A debt now collected,
there is no blinding light.
It's becoming so hot,
and there's fire in sight.

I don't think I deserve this,
but then again who would?
A life full of regrets,
doing what I thought I should.

The pain it cuts through me,
but I find I can stand,
and a tall hooded figure,
takes me by the hand.

I look over my shoulder,
and see myself on the ground.
These tears burn my face,
but I don't make a sound.

He leads me away,
through the fire and flames.
The fire doesn't burn me,
but it hurts all the same.

I think back to that day,
and the deal that I made.
One day seemed so short,
for the price to be paid.

But then I think back,
to your beautiful smile.
Your pretty blue eyes,
and it all seems worthwhile.

You were mine once again,
if only for a day,
and it was worth every second,
no matter what price I pay.

So I’ll burn for eternity,
for this ultimate sin,
and if given the choice,
I would do it again...

Down in the willows,
among the thickets and thorns.
I try to move silent,
but my spirit’s forlorn.

Each move I make,
draws blood from my skin,
or my feet grow entangled,
as the sadness sets in.

The whispering branches,
lightly brush my face,
narrowing my vision,
as I pray for some space.

I try to remember,
how I became lost,
but the memories disappear,
with each breath of frost.

The willows are singing,
beckoning me.
They tell me to come home,
and they will set me free.

So I keep moving,
without looking around.
I stare at my feet,
as the float across the ground.

Then I realize,
that the thorns are all gone.
The ground’s become clear,
with each note of their song.

I look all around me,
at the meadow of tall grass,
and realize I’ve come home,
and I’m free at last.

No more pain inside,
no more worries or fear.
No more disappointment,
from the ones I hold dear.

I run my hands through the grass,
finally finding some peace,
and lay down among friends,
whose heartbeats have ceased.

Generalized *******,
anatomically anomaly.
Undoubtedly, indubitably,
masagonistic managomy.

Peaceably, restricting me,
consequently bare.
Panoramic, parasitic,
encompassing stare.

Romantically constipated,
embarrassing bore.
Grossly, morosely,
simplistic *****.

Wheedling, needling,
nasally voice.
Halitosis, boisterous,
unrealistic choice.

I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten, how much the depression had truly taken over my life.  No matter how bad things get, the human mind can get used to anything and deem it as “normal” without a hint of irrationality.  Repetition, that is all that it takes to slip further and further away.  

Something happened yesterday though, that broke through everything and sent those misguided walls crashing down.

I laughed.

I laughed without thinking about it. I laughed without worrying that I was doing it too loud, or that I wasn’t putting the right hint of sincerity behind it.  I laughed because in that moment I was happy, and that most rational of human responses felt alien.

I laughed, and the laughter was heart warming but also heart breaking at the same time.

It felt nostalgic.  

Being happy and having a proper human response brought on memories when I used to do it every day, and the memories where so far removed they were.......nostalgic.

I guess you never really know how sick you have become until you start to get better.
I think I’ll try it again today.

Running, running,
running away.
Running to a time,
that isn’t today.

Wasting, wasting,
wasting away.
Something isn’t right,
I’ve gone astray.

Slipping, slipping,
slipping away.
Losing my grip,
a little more each day.

Crying, trying,
flying away.
What do I do,
please help me today.

Never mind,not your fault,
just run away.
I’ll try to fix me,
tomorrow, not today.

An unordered chaos,
of catastrophic events.
Trying to find all the pieces,
and glue them back into sense.

But what if some of the pieces,
can never be found?
You're scraping the bottom,
but only digging the ground.

What if all of the voices,
that shout in your head,
never shut up,
but grow louder instead?

What if someone should notice,
that your smile is fake,
and is just a bit manic,
like a clown at a wake?

You ***** for the answers,
but the answers aren't there.
You tell everyone you're fine,
and pretend you don't care.

But then you're alone,
and the darkness creeps in.
The voices start whispering,
and you want to give in.

It's deeper than pain,
and it tears you apart.
It drives you insane,
and rips through your heart.

You can't catch your breath,
no matter how hard you try.
Like you're climbing a mountain,
and almost touching the sky.

So much blame, and shame,
infecting your thoughts.
So many memories tainted,
of the life that you sought.

It's a ruin, a wreckage,
and all you can do,
is try to stay afloat,
and pray for rescue.

I’ve forgotten a time,
when pain used to hurt.
A time when it didn’t encompass,
my every day and thought.

I’ve forgotten the feeling,
of what hope was like.
Taking for granted the times,
when I just assumed everything would be ok.

I’ve forgotten how to act,
relying on reacting to things instead.
Realizing my defenses are already up,
they are simply just shattered and broken.

I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like,
what living in a moment is.
Every day has just become a struggle,
a fight to make it to the next, and the next.

Pain used to be my measurement,
how I would remember moments.
Now the pain is constant,
and the days are all one.

Love...is a memory,
one I can’t quite trust.
I think I had it once,
but perhaps it was just a lessening of pain.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll remember,
if tomorrow should come.
Or perhaps the pain will end,
and I will have to decide which is worse.

I told you I loved you,
every day.
I tried my best to show you,
In every way.

In the beginning,
we could do no wrong.
Was it rose-tinted glasses,
that we wore all along?

I don't think it was,
at least for me.
You were so **** perfect,
as perfect as could be.

We were there for each other,
at every turn.
Through the triumphs, and defeats,
we were willing to learn.

So what happened to us?
Where did it go wrong?
I refuse to believe,
that you faked it so long.

Because there was laughter,
and sweet kisses between.
You'd want me to hold you,
when you wanted to scream.

When did you decide,
to shy away from my touch?
When did you stop smiling,
and laughing and such?

When did we stop,
saying sorry for things?
When was the first time,
that you took off your ring?

When did you first look,
and loathe me for me?
When did you and I,
unbecome We?

I felt the shift,
the coldness that came,
but you wouldn't talk to me,
so I started to blame.

Seven years was a lifetime,
gone in a flash.
Now there's so many questions,
that never got asked.

I made my mistakes,
dear Lord, so much.
I was stubborn and moody,
and sometimes out of touch.

My biggest mistake,
was thinking love was enough.
That if we loved each other,
we could get through so much.

So my final question,
to you would be.
When did you decide,
to stop loving me?

I crawl on all fours,
as the darkness descends.
The only light left,
seems to waver and bend.

My hands are on fire,
and so is the floor.
I can see the orange glow,
as it burns at the core.

There is no rhyme or reason,
no discernable flow.
I start to crawl faster,
but I don’t know where to go.

My eyes start to throb,
as my head starts to pound.
Something runs from my mouth,
and drips to the ground.

The copperish taste,
tells me it’s my blood,
and I fall on my side,
with a sickening thud.

I stare into darkness,
and wait for the end,
but down here in the pits,
it’s how each day begins.

They take your memories,
in the beginning at least.
So that each day is as scary,
as the first brutal feast.

Ripping and tearing,
they eat you alive.
Till there’s nothing but bone,
and you wish you could die.

Then it starts over,
and you're crawling again.
Trying to get away,
as the darkness descends.

They gave back my memory,
so I’ll remember the pain.
So I’ll remember the sounds,
that drive me insane.

My side starts to blister,
but the worst has not begun.
I can see all their shadows,
as the beasts start to come.

Ripping and shredding,
my flesh breaks away.
I beg them to stop,
but they do not obey.

An eternity of torture,
is what’s in store for me.
Imagining the teeth,
that I’ll never see.

Coming Home

I stop and I stare,
and I can't help but grin.
At my beautiful angels,
i've come home to again.

I can see in your eyes,
your true love for me.
And in our daughters smile,
that she thinks I can't see.

My family, my loves,
and my two dreams come true.
The best part of my day,
is coming back home to you.

I wait and I wait,
to see my best friend.
For this perfect moment,
that I wish wouldn't end.

I take you in my arms,
and I breathe a deep sigh.
This is what I was missing,
since we said our goodbyes.

I run my hand up your chin,
and pull you in for a kiss.
then I kiss your forehead,
but you trip and I miss.

We both start to laugh,
and the moment has passed.
But we don't seem to care,
cause we're together at last.

True love at it's finest,
and a family as one.
Smiling together,
and always having fun.

My two little ladies,
the ones I adore.
The girls that I love,
and the ones I'd die for....


My eyes flutter open,
and my chest starts to heave.
You were there for a moment,
why did you leave?

I bring my hands to my face,
and sob at the scars.
I scream myself hoarse,
until I start to see stars.

I look to the left,
at the empty bottle of pills.
It wasn’t enough,
not enough to ****.

I shut my eyes tight,
and curl into a ball,
and hold onto the memory,
that was a dream after all.

The colors are vibrant,
but the shapes are all wrong.
Reality’s bending,
and time has grown long.

One second is twenty,
or perhaps it’s reversed.
Is this real or fake?
I can’t tell which is worse.

Maybe this is Hell,
without the pretense.
Maybe Hell’s just repeating,
what doesn’t make sense.

That would explain,
why each day is the same.
Why nothing has changed,
except more growing shame.

Hello officer, yes,
I want to report a crime.
Someone’s driving my body,
and I don’t have much time.

Then the phone is a book,
and reality shifts.
I suddenly can’t remember,
but my uneasiness lifts.

Oh well, it’s a dream,
just a farce I guess.
But each time I wake up,
I seem to come back less.

I forget to remember,
not to forget.
Wait, what was I saying?
I can’t remember just yet.

Dream and reality,
are now one in the same.
I guess when you can’t tell the difference,
you’ve truly gone insane.

Take my hand,
before I float away,
and don’t hesitate,
if you have something to say.

Please do not kick me,
I’m down far enough,
and if I fall any deeper,
then I might not get up.

You can see that I’m struggling,
to get out of this pit,
but the footholds are weak,
and covered in grit.

Every time I climb higher,
something breaks and I slip,
but can’t you see I’m still trying,
and haven’t gave up my grip?

Can’t you see that I’m bleeding?
That it hurts more than I say?
Can’t you see that I’m tired,
and grow more so each day?

You don’t have to save me,
or even take my hand,
just please don’t berate me,
for what you don’t understand.

You don’t have to scream,
at the monster I become.
Know I’m still inside,
and still there when he’s done.

I’m left with the wreckage,
and damage left behind.
The grief and the sorrow,
of losing ones mind.

I’ll continue to climb,
and one day I won’t fall.
Till then I just ask you,
please don’t make me feel small.

They say time can heal,
even the most grievous wounds.
But I find that misleading,
metaphorical *******, don’t you?

Because the implication of this,
at least when it’s been spoken to me,
is that you just need to wait,
and then one day you’re pain free.

The implication’s much scarier,
when you contemplate,
because time’s stealing your memories,
and erasing the slate.

Time doesn’t heal all,
because some wounds are to deep.
Some are filled up with poison,
that continuously seep.

The in-between,
when you’re cut and then well.
Can be absolutely,
unbearable hell.

What if there’s no closure,
and the wound opens again?
How does time heal that?
Tell me that, my friend.

So, please forgive me,
but I’ll keep my memories.
They may fester, or scar,
they may cause insanity.

Because the simple truth is,
that memories are all that there is,
and I’d rather go insane,
than forget one I’d miss.

So ya, I’m ok,
but not really, ya know.
Because the poison runs deep,
and my wounds fester slow.

I pull out a stool,
and I throw down a ten.
"A single shot whiskey,
and a single shot gin."

I drink them both down,
and cringe at the taste.
Out comes another ten,
and there's plenty to waste.

"Lets stick with the whiskey,
in a double shot glass."
It may take a while,
but the memories should pass.

I open my throat,
and invite the slow burn.
I sit down my glass,
as the room starts to turn.

I pull out a twenty,
and the bartender frowns.
Looking up and thinking twice,
before saying "slow down".

"One more double and a beer,
and i'll put it on cruise."
She pours them both slowly,
not the least bit amused.

"Your cruise doesn't work,
and we both know that's true."
I flash a fake smile,
just like I always do.

I find a small table,
in the back by itself.
I'm becoming a fixture,
like an old dusty shelf.

Memories of you,
and our little girl start to blur.
and my eyes start to water,
as my speech starts to slur.

The scars on my hands,
they drive me insane.
A constant reminder,
I couldn't save you from pain.

So i'll drink another double,
to erase my memory.
Of our little girls smile,
and our perfect family.

I don't want to forget you,
and it kills me to try.
But I still blame myself,
for the night you both died.

Twisted sheet metal,
is all that I see.
And I squeeze my eyes shut,
as these tears stream my cheeks.

What do you do,
when your mind kills your heart?
When your greatest memories,
are what's tearing it apart.

You are the loves of my life,
and my closest dear friends.
And I will love you forever,
until I see you again...

“Do you think you’re funny?”,
she asked with a frown.
Now I know that I’m funny,
but I’m not saying that now.

The slight hesitation,
is all that she needs.
“This is not a ******* joke”,
a statement loaded with irony.

I fight back the smile,
still not saying a word.
She crosses her arms,
and it’s all so absurd.

I finally start giggling,
when I meet her eyes,
and the pain from her slap,
is a shocking surprise.

The utter silence is thick,
and I’m lost for words,
I try to say something,
but my mouth ******* hurts.

I know it’s one of those moments,
where all could be lost,
so I compose myself,
and prepare for the cost.

I look her in the eyes,
so she knows she’s lost the fight,
and grab the last slice of pizza,
and take a huge bite.

Silent depression,
but who the hell cares?
Who fixes the fixer,
when his tools start to wear?

We all have our problems,
that we try to solve.
I tried to fix others,
and never let mine resolve.

I’m funny, and charming,
“he listens so well”,
No one could imagine,
my internal hell.

The drinking helped,
well it did at first.
My problems melted,
but what replaced it was thirst.

Thirst for escape,
that grew bigger inside.
But I started to crack,
and the cracks became wide.

Then the voice crawled up,
and made a permanent home.
The one that’s trying to **** me,
and keep me alone.

Each failure and loss,
“lets have a drink”.
And then having another,
after throwing up in the sink.

Constant agitation,
and fear for my life.
Listening to that voice,
tracing my veins with a knife.

I’m lost in a world,
that doesn’t feel real.
I’ve killed all the realness,
with each drink I spill.

So tell me your problems,
and I’ll pretend I’m ok.
And maybe one day I will be,
not now, but someday.

My eyes are glass,
my chest is so cold.
My body is wood,
I just do as I'm told.

I used to be real,
with a heart and a soul.
I used to have friends,
now I do as i'm told.

My body won't move,
unless strings are pulled.
I can no longer speak,
I just do as I'm told.

My head is now empty,
it's harder to think.
I did have a name,
now I do as I'm told.

There are others like me,
on the shelves growing mold.
I see them around me,
and they do what they're told.

My master is coming,
and I hope she picks me.
But I hear her say no,
so I do as I'm told.

What happened to life,
all my dreams and my goals?
I no longer remember,
I just do as I'm told..

I woke up today,
and forgot you weren't there.
I ran my hand over your pillow,
and then laid there and stared.

I finally sat up,
and wiped away tears.
Listening to the silence,
of two lonely years.

No children laughing,
or the running of feet.
No "daddy you're up",
no "good morning my sweet".

The only sound is the avalanche,
happening in my head,
of memories so clear,
and of things that you said.

"I never loved you",
is still by far the worst,
and I hear it every morning,
before my head fills to burst.

"Time will heal all",
I shakily say,
and clutch at my sanity,
and prepare for the day.

"I only stayed because I was pregnant",
as I put on my shoes.
As I reach for my keys,
"I didn't want to be a single mom of two".

I put my keys down,
and sit down in my chair.
Listening to the voices,
and whispering, "it just isn't fair".

"I never loved you",
hits me again like a glove.
Seven long years,
you couldn't find one thing to love?

I walk to the cabinet,
and pour me a drink.
I have to have something,
that will help me not think.

My chest is on fire,
but the voices fade away.
I whisper "time will heal all",
but nothing's healing today.

Perhaps tomorrow,
I'll remember you're gone.
And the voices will be silent,
and I can move on.

Lost and confused,
I walk all alone.
This dark empty place,
chills me to the bone.

It's to dark to see,
but I really don't care.
I can feel them around me,
as they sit and they stare.

The only sounds are my footsteps,
echoing off of the walls.
And my slow steady breathing,
which isn't helping at all.

My eyes are adjusting,
and I stand in disbelief.
I can see she's been busy,
robbing souls as a thief.

The puppets fill shelves,
and they clutter the walls.
With no dreams or passions,
and no lives at all.

I find what I came for,
on a shelf at the top.
Two small wooden figures,
I move towards them and stop.

I can feel her eyes,
burning holes in my back.
And I can't help but smile,
at the feelings I lack.

“You're not supposed to be here,
and I want you to leave”.
But I ignore all her words,
all her lies and deceits.

I grab the small puppets,
and slowly turn around.
She stands there and watches,
not making a sound.

You ruined my life,
and the life of my friend.
We do not belong here,
among fools with no end.

Her smile grows cold,
and her jaw starts to clinch.
Her eyes become fire,
as I move toward the bench.

I turn my back to her,
as the fumes burn my eyes.
And as she realizes what's happening,
she's starting to cry.

I turn back once more,
as the room starts to fade.
whispering "hell won't be big enough,
for the army you've made."

I stop at the door,
and light a small match.
I toss it behind me,
into the gasoline patch.

Sunlight hits my face,
and I still hear her screams.
Then I wake up in bed,
it was all just a dream.

I try to catch my breath,
as I roll to my side.
And I sit there and stare,
at two wooden eyes.

One looks just like you,
and the other like me.
My heart hits my stomach,
how could this be?

I turn on a light,
and I laugh as I stand.
Because they’re  both smiling,
and they're both holding hands...

Lately I’ve wondered,
about everything.
I still try to make sense,
of an unwoven string.

Why does it still hurt,
when I remember you?
When I remember us,
before it all fell through.

Is it even possible,
that you used me so long?
Or did you say that to hurt me,
and justify your wrongs.

Did it help you to think,
that I didn’t matter at all?
Did you secretly smile,
knowing that I’d fall?

I cannot believe that,
I refuse to hate you.
I refuse to give in,
and accept a false truth.

I refuse to accept,
that I didn’t know your heart,
because if I accept that,
then it will tear me apart.

We both turned into things,
we should be ashamed of,
but even till the end,
I was still in love.

Now each day is torture,
trying to lie to myself.
Now I’m the one being fake,
trying to love someone else.

Is that how it felt,
when you were with me?
If it was then I understand,
and I can finally see.

She is sweet and kind,
and loves me so much,
but I have no more to give,
because I yearn for your touch.

So I’m doing to her,
what you did to me.
I’m not being fair,
but her loves imprisoning.

Going through the motions,
now I understand,
and I forgive what you did,
when you let go of my hand.

So I’ll just keep going,
and love you from afar.
Maybe one day it can change,
and this will just be a scar.

I sidestep the smoke,
and I walk to the edge.
I take in the sight,
from this small little ledge.

My thoughts are now racing,
and reaching for reason,
but with too many to count,
my heartbeats increasing.

This last years been so hard,
and I just can't go on.
I've lost faith in all things,
now that your gone.

Tell my mom that I love her,
and tell dad not to cry.
Tell Jen to be strong,
and tell Lili goodbye.

Tell Greg that I’m proud,
of all that he's done,
and tell him I’m sorry,
but this had to be done.

I take one last breath,
as these tears stream my cheeks,
and I curse at myself,
for being selfish and weak.

I take my last step,
and as I fall to my death.
I wake up in bed,
catching my breath.

That time between evening and mourning,
it seems,
Is distantly focused,
like an unbalanced dream.

I love you,
I hate you,
Oh hell,
what to do?

My thoughts race,
my head hurts,
no need to worry,
just spasmatic touch thirsts.

Oh well,
A deep well,
at least the pain,
cannot swell.

Goodbye,
to no one,
a loving father,
and spoiled son.

The day you bring me home,
I’ll be delicate, and small.
I’ll need you day and night,
to keep me safe if I should call.

Next you’ll chase me everywhere,
as I begin to crawl,
and when I take that first step,
I know you’ll catch me if I fall.

You will read to me, and dance with me,
and make me giggle with delight.
Always there to hold me,
when I get scared at night.

It will break your heart,
when I can do things on my own,
and some days you’ll feel like crying,
when you see how much I’ve grown.

It will happen in a flash,
at least that’s how it seems.
One day I’m turning two,
and the next it’s seventeen.

An eternity, a lifetime,
that’s only seconds long.
Full of a million memories,
from diapers to the prom.

So enjoy me every day,
and hold me while you can.
Cover me with kisses,
and always hold my hand.

Push me on the swing,
and be silly as can be.
Teach me how to laugh,
and always let me be me.

Our memories are treasure,
that we’ll bury along the way.
So let’s gather a fortune,
that we can both dig up one day.

“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you.  You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.

“I could never forget it,” you say.

   We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.

“How long do we have?” I ask.

   You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes.  “Not long,” you say.

   I nod.

   I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh.  Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.

   “Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass.  You nod, and smile.  “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem.  I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”

   You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.

   “Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me.  So I said the only thing I could.  That you are everything to me.”

   You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls.  “It’s time to go,” you say.

   I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.

   “Goodbye my love,” I whisper.

   Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies away.

   You were everything to me. Everything.

Whisper, whisper,
I can’t hear a sound.
Shiver, shiver,
it’s so cold on the ground.

Pick me up,
while letting me fall.
Make sense of my words,
I’m done, that’s all.

“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you.  You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.

“I could never forget it,” you say.

   We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.

“How long do we have?” I ask.

   You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes.  “Not long,” you say.

   I nod.

   I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh.  Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.

   “Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass.  You nod, and smile.  “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem.  I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”

   You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.

   “Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me.  So I said the only thing I could.  You are everything to me.”

   You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls.  “It’s time to go,” you say.

   I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.

   “Goodbye my love,” I whisper.

   Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies.

   Everything.