I'm still straining
     To see the vibrancy
Of colors painting reality,

But at least I've
     Caught my breath
And found my sound.

Only when I see
     Nothing but trees
           For miles
And hear
     Nothing but wind
           For hours
Will I understand
      The things I run from.

How content
     Could it be
That in this life after death
     I grow again as a willow tree,
Standing weak to
     Dry wind blowing calm,
           In a grassy field,
           High on a hill,
     Alone against the contrast
           Of the sky
     And together with the symmetry
           Of existing just for the sake of it.

I remember the smell,
Like old wood and
     Lake water
Somehow found itself
     Mixed into some sea
           Of sheets,

And I remember
Waking up,
     Entangled and drowning
In an ocean of
Unfamiliar bedspreads
As you climbed into
      The morning soaked
Bed with me.

Your skin soft
     And vanilla
          And brushing lightly
Against the hairs on my arm
     That you made stand up tall,
Kissing me awake
     As I pushed your auburn
         Strands of fire
         Hair whispering in a
         Tickle against my ear.

The way your hand
     Rested with possession on my chest
           And tapped some forgotten tune
As we waited
For afternoon to
     Beckon us downstairs,

The steady hum of
The shore catching
The waves of the
      Lake shimmering green
      In the summer heat
           At the wooden base
                Of our cabin outside.

And I remember
     Our collective shut of eyes,
Resting our foreheads together
     As our hands journeyed
          To reach one another's
          Beneath the home in the sheets
We wished to never leave.


That was two years
     And a love and a half ago,

So now I long
     For nothing more
Than these summer mornings
To wake up not so lonesome
                                                  anymore.

Even though
      It's been years,
Whenever I see fireworks
     I think of you.

What more can we seek
     Than to lose ourselves in beauty,

Entangle ourselves in creation?

And fall backwards,
     Arms crossed,
          And eyes closed,
With the trust that
     The Universe will send
     Some curious cloud
          To catch our
          Wandering spirits,
     Our inquiring minds,
     Our sleepless eyes
     And our hopeful breaths,
     Encapsulated surrenders
     And hazed, lost sighs.

More brilliant
     Than a library,
More pure
     Than a spring.

If the
Morning sunshine
     Could speak.

An angel fish
Lost deep
     Beneath the waves.

Like fire
     If the flames
Could burn
     Themselves.

why can't the night be longer
so i can stay hidden
just a while more

I had a dream
A little while back,

But it's been gnawing
And aching
And beating itself
Against my swimming (drowning) head,

Because in this dream
We were fighting
     (Like usual)
And I told you to
     "Be worse"
So I could stop missing you,
And time could remember
How to tick again

And you looked me in my eyes,
Through my eyes
And you screamed,
You told me you were trying your best.

And here comes the flood.

Let's live together
     Like a poem
Written from our frosty breath
    Dancing in the cool moonlit air.

My body is frozen,
     My ribs are icicles
Threatening to pierce
     My hollow shell
Made from whisper-thin skin,

And it may be
     The dead of summer,
But I need warmth.

Oh,
     Won't someone light
          A fire in me?

I so often
Convince my thoughts
That I lose my soul
Among the unknowing
And empty, drifting space
Of whatever it means
To be alive
Because I like the
"Adventure" of it,

But only here,
In the murmuring
Hum of a bedside
Lamp glowing against
The ache of
So-late-it's-early,

Only now,
From behind the safety of
My flimsy bedsheets
Covered in lint
Will I admit

I don't know what I'm doing.

And I'm t͢e͢r͢r͢i͢f͢i͢e͢d͢
     I'm doing it all wrong.

Nothing good
Ever lasts forever,
Because everything good
Gets lost eventually,
And everything forever
Will succumb to the fading
Of never good enough.

I've always known
That I'd die in a car accident
Someway
Somehow,

And beneath the
Silent flicks of lightning
Stretching across
A plaster sealed sky,

The world stood still,
Molded out of clay
And gasping for air
Like a drizzled flower petal
Suspended in time,

For a moment so fleeting
It nearly escaped me,
I hoped some drunken
Speeding car
Would smash right into me,

For once not because of the
Complexity and dismemberment of it all,

But because I was okay with dying
In some moment where it all made sense.

If the world
Stood still,
Stuck at 3am,

I'd be content
So long as
You were awake with me.

Okay so,
I told myself
I'd write a poem
Or something
About this because
Writing always helps
Right?

So here goes:

You came to me
In a dream last night
(Again.  God, please just leave me alone)
And asked me if
I thought of you
Often.

And I tilted my head
And smiled some
Crippled cracked grin
And my chest filled up
With warm water
And I was drowning
From the inside out
As I burbled and sputtered
Through the choking waves:

"There has not
Been a day where
I have not
Thought of you
Since we met."

And I *******
Hate myself
Because I stumbled
Over my words
I was sure would
Spill out poetic,
Or at least better
Sounding than that,
And I wanted to
Impress you someway
Somehow
Even though the last time
I saw you
You told me you couldn't believe
You fell for my stupid poetry
The first time around,

And I *******
Hate myself
Because now
My dreams are speaking
More truth
Than I can willingly
Admit to awake.

i find you
in the quiet
corners of my days
and remind myself
to again try oh so hard
    to lose you among the busy
    and all of the work
once more

The curve of her jaw
Does not fit into
The palm of my hand
Like yours did.

It's the drone
Of some forgotten tune
Bubbling up static from
A radio station you've never heard of,
Lack luster in comparison
To the glow of their voice
When they'd murmur the
Curves and valleys of song
And sway their hips
In sync with the rhythm
In the early blush
Of the mid-morning sun
Soaking the kitchen whole,

The run in with a smell
That only half encapsulated
The fire in their hair
And the spirit in their heart,
Nuzzled warm against the
Breathless rasp of winter,
Somehow seeming to weave itself
Into all of your clothes,
No matter how many times you washed them,
But it was okay
Because you didn't mind
Always having them close to you,

The upturned stretch
Of a stranger's lips
As they hand you your coffee
And for a moment so quick
You hardly catch it wink into existence,
You see their face again,
And hold up the line,
Now shifting with impatience,
Because you forgot that
Your feet weren't cemented
To the ground,

And it's things such as these
That for a fraction so small
You might just miss it,

They exist in your world again.

Beneath the milky grin
Of a smoldering shimmer
Cast lost among the
Unwavering yearn of
The night time sky,

We stood with our
Dusty shoes clamped together,
Our arms folded inward
And our heads too heavy to lift,

And we made our
Light fuzzy wish on
Dandelion puffs picked
Before the morning's dew,

"All of the wishes
You've ever made before
Meant nothing,"
I'd say,

"In order to make this one
Mean everything."

Slowly,
Ever so slowly,
I am seeing
Glimmering shards of myself
Creep back into the
Beat of my heart and
The cadence of my words.

I remembered today,
Waiting for the endless
Drone of cars
To slug down the
Crowded streets,

The brushing grace
Of your cheek
Against the inside of my palm
As I held your face close to mine,

The flowers you
Stuck in your auburn hair
Radiating bright and loud
Against the huff of blue
Summer sky,

The flash of your smile,
Brilliantly seeping
Out of the corner of your lips
As your eyes darted
To meet mine for only a moment
Suspended forever in time,

The way you whispered,
Something so gentle
I never imagined so heavy
When you lingered
"I love you"s against my lips
And pushed yourself closer,

And I remember,
I remember the way my fingers
Would tangle in the strands
Of your hair like fire,
Keeping me warm once,
Now only burning
In my memories,

And your hair was
So full of color,
But something drained it away,
Matted it and made it dull
And twisted me up in the process

Because here I sit alone,
Screaming in traffic.

All too often
I'm tempted
To fall off the face of the Earth

If not only to see
If I'd leave a mark.

My dream catchers
Must be defective,

    I still see you every night.

Living,
Or so they say,
Is blurring the lines
Between heaven and hell
And losing yourself
In the static fog
Of ambiguity.

I can feel myself slipping again
And I'm so tempted
To let myself fall.

Is it a coincidence
That all my favorite songs
Remind me of you?

I've seen the sun,
It's shimmery glow,
And felt it's warmth too,
And yet,
I still swim deeper,
Without knowing why this
Is what I do.

This morning
I woke up
Next to a stranger,
And when I found myself
Picturing your face
Instead of hers
I'm not sure if
I was more
Terrified
Or relieved
When I felt exactly the same.

It's so much more
Than the daffodil sunrise
Exhaling puffed purple trails of smokey
Cotton ball clouds
Reflected across the stitches
Of your hazel-green iris
That captures my attention so,
And refuses to return
My breath you've stolen.

It was last night,
To feel your cracked hand
Resting gently in my own,
The hum of your voice
Tied down an octave
Lower with a deary,
Flowery rasp escaping
The curve of your lips
So soft in the occasional
Murmur of streets lights
Winking past our speeding car,
The way your head
Fell cocked to the side,
Nuzzled in the knitted fibers
Of some patterned scarf
Draped around your neck,
It was last night
As I felt your fingers
Intertwine with my own
That I felt at home
In a world that spins
So fast,
So without worry,
Now, as do I.

I never knew
I was drowning
Until I took a breath of you
And saw colors again
For the very first time.

I caught the scent
Of rot
On my breath today,

I think something deep
Inside me
Died recently

And is withering away.

Tonight,
All I wanted to do
Was to stand in the center
Of my old high school football field
Lingering loudly in the shadows
Beyond my home,

And stare at the sky,
And scream,
Just ******* scream,

Because I am drowning
In my memories
And the flood
Needs to go somewhere.

And a shard of me hopes
That all I see
When I'm dead and buried

Are the eyes of
Everyone I've ever loved
Echoing forever against the blackness.

Did you know
That the waves of the ocean
Crash over themselves
In a shivering rush to marvel
At the glassy globes
Encased on either side
Of the bridge of your nose?

I know I said
I swore I wouldn't do anything
For you today,
But I figure this isn't breaking
Any sort of promise
(Pinkie related or not),
So I hope it's fine
If I call you mine
And ask:
"Will you be my Valentine?"

I suppose these must be
     My heartfelt lyrics
Trying to dance to the tune
     Of your animal spirits,

Because I checked out
     Our astral chart
And it told me we were
     Idea for love.

I'm trapped in a room,
     And so despertly
     I throw myself
Against the walls
     In a vain attempt
     To bleed out
This intoxication I stumble with,
     But I must be crazy,
For my walls are padded.

The patterns of
Glimmering light
Refracted in the bubble
Droplets dangling
     Off a glass pane,
A rough skirmish
     Of splintering wood
     Stained by age and
          The sea
Washing in still waves below,
Neither of which reflect
The brilliancy of
     White washed sheets
Baked in a vanilla scent
     And a tidal quiver
     Of fingers shaking
At the anticipation
That they may
Caress skin half silk
With patches of sand,
Warm in the sun
That looms behind
Gray fog over a pale
     Blue, seeping from
The cracks that
Scatter about a space
So infinitely random,

Lips bruised from
A night needing no moon
     To shine away
Dusk creeping up
     From pine-needled soil,
Kissing with bare
     Chests and thinking
     With flickering eyes
That so seemingly
Match that of a candle's
     Shadowy counterpart
In the enveloping
Elegance of a deary
Dance to the world
     Soaking wet,
While darling,
We lay amongst
     Boxes of sheets
In our chests
And days without
So much as the rest
Of the beating amp
Inside our ribs,
     Shaking our hair
Bedazzled with milky
     Morning twilight
Dispersed through an
     Array of sleeping giants,
Gently weeping away
The toxicity of daily hustle,
Cotton legs and
Arms made of satin rope,
     Wearing the indifferences
     In the fibers of pasts
     Evaporated and sprouting next spring,
Flower crowns and fireplaces,
     Murky waters and the shiver

As you trace your fingernail
     Across the peak of my collarbone.

If I dug out
A whole chunk
     Of my chest,

Would you build
     A shrine
               In me?

If her smile was snow,
     Then her eyes were the sky,
For I found myself
     Losing my thoughts
          In the ink of her iris,

And beautiful music
Played over her voice,
But I'm not entirely sure
Whether it was the twist
     Of the song
Or the curves of her words
     That enchanted me more.

I used to be afraid
Of eyes deep and fierce,
    Frightened that if I
    Looked too close,
They'd melt my skin
    And pierce my throat,

But a gaze from you,
    Sturdy and built
    Upon a lip biting
         Tension practically manifested
    In the cool winter air
         Between our noses I
    Wish were touching,

A glance like that
    From eyes like yours
Begs me to yearn
    Your permission to
    Lose myself in them.

The boy who made
     A simple incision
     Above his heart
With the inky
Blade of a pen
Stuck a razor
          Inside,
And who moved his hand
     Like a blender
Lived to tell
The tale of
The girl down
     His block,
Who swore
     She'd be beautiful,

And laughed at
The misfortune of it all
As they crossed her arms
     And buried her when her
          Chest fell,
But didn't rise up quick enough again.

The girl who tied
     Roses around her
     Tongue in hopes
To taste no evil
Bled to death
    With thorns
          In her teeth.