I lay myself in the line
Naked and vulnerable
You plastered a sweet smile
Sliced my heart in two

Trust flows without a thought
Joy radiates
Who knew I played
Right into your game

I let myself be free
Fully exposed to scrutiny
You took the opportunity
And broke me completely

Fear cripples me
I can't trust anymore
I can't go near you
You radiate the pain I feel.

Two days ago I arrived home late
I dropped my keys, from the eerie silence
Sobs from someone I cannot see
Pools of a crimson color under my feet.

I choke and cower in fear
What happened? What?
Too much, I ran into the abyss
As much as I walked, I couldn't forget.

Shivering from the sight afar
Eyes closed shut awaiting what could
There's a light far ahead
A bench that meets my end

I slump onto the wooden miracle
As I sat watching liquid drip
Ahead, there's a glimmering gold
Before me, shining crystals

Are you all right? Asks a passerby
I'm fine, just go along
Then a pain like a hammer onto my skull
Holding my skull until the memory leaks

Everything will be fine, says someone above
How can you know?
Look before you, said the passerby
And there I lie, red vs white.

But, there was no one
Until I heard sirens in the dark
I neared the body but all I saw was a reflection
Mind inside a body that trapped me in my own memories.

**** me, **** me now

To whom do I grant the wish of disappearing?

Will my silence be evidence of my invisibility?

Or are the smoke coming out of my ears enough?

Is the redness of my face from anger or passion?

But let me tell you this, your eyes will turn black.

More than the combination
Of Math and English,
More than the uncertainty
Of sour bitterness

Don’t I deserve better?

Then the hours upon hours
Of monotonous words
Then the blaring and the whistling
Of simultaneous noise


Don’t I deserve better?

More than the giggling
Flock of girls
More than the chants of
Your irritating name

Don’t I deserve better

To compete arrogance
With compassion
To argue utmost uncertainty
With obvious honesty

Don’t I deserve better?

Than the continuous
Anxiety
Than the pressure to
Ignore

Don’t I deserve better?

To choose what should
Be chosen
To love for uncertainty
One who does

Don’t I deserve better?
To love those who love me
To ignore those who misplace me
To finally be with someone of my choosing
But it rarely works that way,

Will I ever deserve better?

One – I took a test
Two – I passed the test
Three – I went to class
Four – I studied for tests
Five – I practiced and practiced
Six – I joined in
Seven – I reviewed
Eight – I cried
Nine – I broke down
Ten – I accepted

Watch as the words are left to savor
Listen as the room mystifies
Smell as until it can be felt
Taste as it lingers in the silence
Feel as the aroma wafts around you.

One word is all it takes
To explode a seemingly
Perfect output

Smashed! One nose
Dive after the other

Straight as a pole turned,
Askew with every turn.

A jab, a punch
as scraps appear.

A pinch and a puncture
Hurts like never before.

Until blood and matter
Sprayed on the cold asphalt

While everything occurs,
You watch. Soundlessly

It takes effect but you
Just watch it happen

You realize one singular,
Grand idea whilst pain climaxes
Life goes on.

What’s in a word
That says far too long
Of the feelings
All a miss

Tells how the sun shines
On a day gloom
Or how loss resonates
The rays of a rainbow

But at times does it coincides
With the stages of life
Coincidence might be word
That gives all surrounding through.

It is irony that lasts a lifetime.

Partner has been told
For far too long
A partner who’ll be her
Till death parts.
A partner that consists of
A dash of terror
A capful of brain
A hint of stubborn
A tablespoon of looks
A teaspoon of anger
Mixed with envy.
A sprinkle of approval
You can let be.
Mix it all up
You get a partner
Oozing with reality.

I walked the road closed off
With one who is pre-engaged
Absorbing the rays of sunlight
Listening to the chants of our conscience

You led me through with good intentions
Sliced away with a bitter malice
A walking temptation you couldn't pass
You shattered the barrier with your bare hands

In a moment the music seized
All that can be heard are the mumbles
The desperate cries of help
Shuffles of clothes being shed

A war of dominance over temptation
Not one giving into cries of pain
Friction towards the seduction of defeat
But there will be no surrender

After the signs of blue and red
Condensation of ****** heat
Wrinkled sheets of a ****** war
A silent deal to those unsuspecting relations

We went through the road together
Each step matched each other in gait
A knife on one hand while holding the other’s
It hasn't ended, it has only begun.

I should stop
Just stop and walk away
Walk away from everything
Hinder my problems

But I can't
It's my fault
Every touch, a punishment
Every kiss, torture

Lust filled eyes
Leering in the dark
No one notices
Just me

Heart thumping, waiting
For the clear signs of hunger
Just one call is all it takes
To take me in again

And I'll succumb
To your kisses
Your disgusting touches
The monster I created
The affair I'll keep hidden.

Who invented the lie?
How smart was he
To make such an action
Hidden humility

The lie
A gift to the ridiculed
A weapon to the a elite
A curse to the oppressed

Such a lovely thing
A lie can be
To hide true intentions
To tease the population

Yet so powerful it could be
To fool anyone
To lead people on
One great temptress

The best thing it does
Is to fool oneself
To forget everything
To live in your own world

Thus, it is used
Thus, it is loved
Thus, it is needed
By the likes of you and I.

Attack, pressed, cornered
Trapped with no where to go

Expecting, watching, judging
How can I speak when I'm out of breath

Disloyal, appalled, betrayal
Warm faces disguise cruelty

Rushing, gushing, maddening
A lump in my throat, tears threatening to flow

Misunderstanding, misdemeanor, misery
Have to fight the tears, give no satisfaction

Frozen, paralyzed, immobile
Quietly surrendered to the abyss

Crazed, insane, dementia
They can't get me now

Masked with their actions
No emotions shown
They've got me
But I too, have got them.

My heart beats frantically
Nerves tingling
My breathing, fast
Heart threatening to explode

His look pierces me
Their expectant faces
Judging my very being
Expecting me to fail

So why not let me be?
This dark secret can be kept
No one has to know
Stop insisting

But I have to say it
Then a thought rises,
I can lie
And they will never know

No one bothers to understand
They just want to ridicule
I won't give in
I am not their jester.

Wake up
Wash up
Cook
Clean up

Attend class
Scribble notes
Speak up
And eat up

Organize
Sweep
And mop
Repeat as needed

Oh, monotony
You have found me
With your best friend,
Exhaustion

You killed my will to live
Imagination, all gone
Muscle memory keeps me going
Oxygen gives my heart a beat

I may as well be dead
My mind shuts off
The noises all gone
And good ol' monotony comes up to play.

Grace as a necessity
Beauty that rivals nature
Quaint modesty of a lady
Perfect appeal to the masses

How can I ever live up to that?

A mere imperfect girl
With less grace and poise
Appearance to ordinary for words
With less modesty than a lady

So, I will never be wanted

Always forgotten
Left behind in the background
Waiting to be seen
To be wanted by anyone

And yet, it's a dream far off

For love knows first impressions
Its shallowness rendering us unavailable
Wanted by the perverse and lonely
Lusted for there is no one else

A vision of love that's lost

Lost to the guys who broke our hearts
To those who use us like toys
Whose love changes by the pound
Whose so called "love" made us cold.

I hate you
Yet everyone says differently
Do I love you?
Hell No! I won't say it quietly

You hurt me too much
You didn't even give me an apology
I flinch at your touch
I can't erase the memory

It's done and over
We'll never be friends
Don't even bother
The end is a blessing 'cause it's over.

Through the blaring noise
And the gyrating hips of clubbers
Did I see you in all grace and poise?
Leaving a trail of lustful passers.

Above all else I heard a soft purr
As a moan escaped everyone’s lips
Did I softly hear you murmur?
“Would you like a kiss?”

And in that moment I fell
Like one of your numerous suitors
Did I not once often tell?
Lust is love’s awful traitor.

Blood stained streets
Cries of horror that seeps
In one place they heard
Laughter that left the world.

In a moment they stopped
Then everyone sobbed
Remembering the joy that once was
Realizing what this war has caused.

United the cried,
“We will no longer abide,
We will no longer fight.”
We've finally found the light.

Perfection makes this day
Polite expressionless faces
Rich and luxurious, they pray
Rationally irritating, that passes.

Perfection is I, quoth he
Pretty pointless faces, I say
Reasonably intelligent friends, said he
Rather boring folk do they convey.

Perfection is *******, I utter
Probable mix-up, they record
Realize the beauty! I order
Render it proper on my own accord.

Trapped

               In between what's dead and gone
               Under the weight of what's meant to be
               In a place where no one has crossed
               Where I am bound to stay

Forever
               Bound, ununited
               Compelled to do what has to be done
               To accomplish what once said
               No choice, no way

Change
               Is beyond my control
               A will that may not happen
               ****** upon me with no care
               A future that I have no opinion in

Done
               Is my opinion, ignored upon
               Free will a figment of reality
               Just a mindless robot wasting away
               Without asking, without a soul.

It was nothing like the movies
No cheesy pick up line
No accidental touch of hands
Not even and intense gazing.

Yet no movie or book can describe it
The moment when you notice things;
First, the tone of his voice
Second, the nonsensical gestures he makes.

These may be stupid and odd
But in that moment when “two” friends seriously talk
And suddenly look into each other’s eyes
Will you realize that shoot! You like him.

The rush and exhilaration
Pain and annoyance
All these frustrations
Have you once felt it?

Each time I've felt
Like I was the only one trying
The glue of this relationship was me
If I stopped, would it crumble?

A glance in a while was enough
Short conversations were joyful
But even now those are gone
I ask myself, how can I still love you?

Bodies that pile are dead
On top of soil like its their bed

The animals that are roaming above are vultures
Watching every body structure
Waiting if its clear to puncture

Bodies sinking to the soil
Maybe its better if they boil

But its nice to know
That they're going to a better place somehow
Wondering if the bodies below
Has experience loved somehow

Love is blind
That's why I can't be bound
For me love is dead
Like scissors into a thread

When love spots me
It's like a child needing it's mommy

I'm like a vulture
Waiting for love to fracture

Then love runs away
Hoping that I would decay
Alone and have no hope
Waiting for love but it answers nope

Have you felt being needed?
It’s great, it adds to your ego
But what if it’s too much
And nothing’s true anymore.

I’m there when you need me
But when I need you, you’re gone
Your selfish egotistical self
Never repaying your debt.

Now, I've decided
No longer would I be used
I’m not your dummy anymore
You’ll learn to live when I’m gone.

Each person has one destined “other”
Their soul mate, if you will
What if they never meet
Or if it’s too late.

I was in a store buying some cheap perfume
You were checking out music albums
We bumped into each other and gawked
We laughed it off and talked.

Never have I met someone so perfect
The rush was unexplainable
You said, “I’m sorry but I think I like you.”
I said I was married and you said “Me too.”

I try to stop and wonder why
Am I numb now?
Tears start to fall
Never wanting to stop

Just a minute ago
I was laughing
Now I’m depressed
Suicidal thoughts arise

How can I've been happy?
Then so upset in a blink of an eye
I remember their faces
And I feel nothing for them

Everything’s a distant memory
My own nightmares taking over
I try to find something joyful
All I found was even more terror

How can I tell the people who love
That when night comes
I’m no longer myself
Just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I’m a monster that does not feel
Alone and cold, immune to everything
What happened to me?
I want it to stop

But whenever I try to stop
Someone else barges in
I don’t know who it is
But they’re taking over

I try to control myself
Hoping to win the battle in my head
Whether I win or lose
I’m no longer the same

I've changed but not for the better
All the things I've pushed away
Have resurfaced and formed
Now it has personified into my nightmares

Gladly, it only happens at night
But it talks to me during the day
I push back the negativity
Or else it’ll swallow me whole

Who knew it would be like this
I didn't, but that’s what I get
I can never be truly happy
I’ve accepted this much

I’ll face the world with my burdens
Give everyone a smile
I’ll lie my way to my death
Knowing that no one knows the monster inside.

Is it stupid of me to like
A person like you
Is it stupid of me to think
You would change
But I guess we’re both stupid

I can’t believe the rush I felt
When you talked to me
Who would've known
It was that easy

But I remembered what you did
I can recall my tear stained face
And all the things you said
Is on repeat

But you’re so sweet
Worrying about me
And so dumb
To think I would leave

I don’t think you really know me
If you do, what were you thinking
I don’t let go that easily
Especially since you mean so much to me

And now I sit cold and afraid
Of what might happen
But then again, I’ve been through this before
Again and again

I don’t care
Can’t you see?
All I want to do
Is to speak to you

Talk to you, love you
Without worrying
That you’ll just leave me
Hanging there

This is the 21st century
Martyrs don’t exist
You might be the last of your specie
A love martyr

Don’t you know
What I need
Is not your protection
But your presence

Sadly, I can’t do anything
You've made up your mind
And I’ll accept that wholeheartedly
But don’t be surprised if I’m gone
You got what you want

And I’m gone.

I’m sorry if I’m affectionate
I think you’ve misinterpreted
Didn’t mean to lead you on
But then again you don’t care

Don’t know why I do it
I don’t yearn for you
I’m just stuck
Between myself and others

They want us to happen
As if we’re a cool show
I’m not that into you
As you are too

But I don’t know
If I’m telling the truth
My brain says “You love him”
My heart says “You don’t”

They've switched roles
All because of you
And you couldn't care less
About how I feel

But genuinely, I’m scared
I don’t want to fall for you
The evidence speaks it
But my emotions are tired

It’s hard to like a mere figment
It’s hard to like you
Your ******* ways are disturbing
And you’re childish, well that’s worse

You act a certain way with me
But I see that with other girls
You constantly approach me
But I shrug it off

Maybe you’re annoyed
Even ****** at me
But I can’t do anything
I’m scared to show it

Unless you confess
Everything would be the same
We would just be friends
And nothing more

I forgot to mention, one other thing
The feelings I have for you
May be fake
For I like another guy
Other than you.

In the darkness of the night, I ponder
Remembering the insults and faults
But what strikes me as an oddity
Is the numbness taking over

In these times it’s a wonder
That they see me as cheerful
Never knowing how I really am
Dark, evil and cruel is my alternate

In the terrors of my abyss
I sat waiting patiently
For the time to get up and smile
And lie to the world once again.

I close my eyes lost in thought
Trying so hard to breathe
Hoping that the fight in my head
Would slowly fade

I feel the churning in my stomach
The fire that evokes in my skin
Increase my heart beat
All because of my mind

Then I stand up and smile
A smile so made that no one notices
That the girl laughing and talking
Is a stranger and a great actress.

I used to be able to smile
I used to be able to keep secrets
All for everyone’s sake
They don’t need to worry

I shrug them off when they worry
I give them a bright smile when they talk
I show them the positive side
Even if I’m dying to die

When they’re all gone, I’m different
The smile fades, the brightness gone
What once was a bubbly, cheerful girl
Is now a soulless robot crying itself to sleep.

Where am I?
Who are you?
This place is familiar
Yet unfamiliar at the same time

My body acts differently
The words I say are not mine
Who is controlling me?
This is not who I am

The walls are closing in
And I can’t breathe
I am not in control
I am no longer me.