Was it your fathers gun
Did your hear your mothers footsteps run
Did you pull the trigger from the side or underneath
Did you have to pull it out from a sheath
Did you wear black to hide the blood
Or white like a stained angel above
If you were in your room is the door still shut
Is the floor burnt from an old cigarette ****
Did you know that you wouldn’t see seventeen
Did you think this was the only shot at being seen
Did you second guess it or was it in one motion
Did your family bleach the house like an ocean
If we had called you would it have mattered
Was it the bathroom wall where your brains splattered
Did you cut yourself before and I just missed it
Did you know I would cry where you used to sit
Was it the cops or the school or your girlfriend
Did you know at graduation we all played pretend
Can you hear me when I scream out all my regrets
Did you think that dying young was your winning bet
Did you think about your sister or yourself as a child
Did you think about your obituary being filed
Was your face recognizable in a closed casket
Would you think about shooting hoops through a basket
Did you think anyone would miss you
I do

I am the deer
Large shimmering eyes and slender limbs
A fawn with spots still on
Like the baby’s breath of the meadow in which I lay
Mocha fur shining in the morning sunlight
Face wet with dew from the chill of night

I am the deer
Mangled on the side of the road
Intestines on display for the vultures above
Legs twisted into a sick jigsaw puzzle
Killed by the man who worries about the machine
And drives away with apathy unwavering

I am the woman
Long, toned legs
Striding down a city sidewalk, wind in her hair
A statue, a monolith, an icon
Like a being carved from polished marble from the raw earth
A face of beauty incarnate

I am the woman
A dismembered body with DNA foreign to herself
Lying in a lake, the soil, a vat of oil
The threads of clothing cut too short like Fate’s own hemline
Killed by the man and his ego who worries if blood washes out
And walks away with apathy unwavering

It is a tragedy as old as time
That Mother Nature birthed daughters

Do the malevolent poltergeists of my past haunt your benevolent spirit?
When I ride through my ghost-towns like an old west gunslinger,
Will the ricochets shatter your fragile glass house?
If I slash through phantom limbs, is it your blood that I spill on the altar of revenge?
Do all the periods of falling leaves and sundowns I spend at the graveyard
Will away the only real wisps of life I know?

It is never enough
There is a piece missing from every aspect of myself
A sliver of beauty, a slice of intelligence, a portion of strength
That I so desperately want to acquire
With hands too unsteady for Da Vinci and a voice too weak for Houston
I pull apart words and smash them back together in Play-Doh poetry
I see this technicolor world and want to put it into film
But my vocabulary is too juvenile and the style too amateur
My metaphors are recognizable on all levels, the depth of a kiddie pool
To read the works of Shelley and Milton and Dante light this flame
That burns in anger at my own futile words, a seething disappointment
The greats, the classics, all I could ever read, and all I could never be
Each poem that I write lets me down, far too short and far too simple
My own words could never capture the essence of what I want to say
Who I want to be
It is never enough
But I will keep trying

Small, sweet girl,
Love the protection
You do not know you have.
Enjoy the California mountains
While you roam them;
Feel the cool rocks in your yard
While it is still your home
Walk in the newborn stream to cool your feet
Before you want to put them in heels.
Walk through the tall, dead grasses
And pretend you do not fear the snakes,
Until you want to walk the streets
And pretend you do not fear the men.
Let your blonde hair shine
Before it turns red from the fires you watch.
Maybe the weight you gain when you are much older
Will make up for what you deprived yourself of
When you are just a little older.
I would tell you not to hold on to Mom too tight,
So that you may not shatter when you learn
Not every good girl has a good mommy.
But I can not blame you for holding on to the things you know.
She is just one that will sting of painful nostalgia.
But that will be for another poem,
Another letter that I write to you sometime;
A little older, hopefully a little wiser

A too-warm new year January afternoon
Holds the same sun as April's evening at 12 years old
The scent of gentle pink roses
Is a cool shower in the summer before high school
A new-to-me videogame console
Is sophomore year's ignored chemistry homework
My eyes and ears and nose and hands
Contain memories I did not mean to make
They store moments that take me back to times
That were insignificant in my mind
A childhood filled with life and experience
That I seem to keep reliving, despite my unintention
But I hold no complaints in my heart
As I know that one day, these words will provide the same feeling
I will look back on poems written while pushing grocery carts
And think to myself, what a pleasure to live in a time capsule

What a world I live in
To experience emotions as powerfully as I do

My sadness is not an ache in my heart
With mascara tracks running down
It is deep, mournful, body-shaking sobs
Oceans of clear tears streaming from reddened green eyes

My anger is not a flickering flame of annoyance
Nor a clenched body needing a release
But an entirely enveloping wildfire
Blinding me from reason and logic

And neither is my love just comfort
Or a desire to care and be cared for
But a presence that encapsulates every thought
Every movement, every moment, defined by desire

Oh, it is a poet's dream
And a woman's curse

As a child, I idolized one day getting a license
Now I'm 17 in a red '94 convertible with the top down, loving
How it feels when my metal daisies pull my ears from the force of wind
I like the adrenaline rush I get when I can scream because no one is around
And that I don't have to feel bad for not talking to anybody
I like the way my car shakes when I blast the volume to 35
Or when I push it faster faster faster than it should go
I like the stick on my skin because of the North Carolina humidity
When I reach my arm out of the window, leaning toward a stranger
Summer's almost over, but I just want more time following the sunset home
On the open road

Never yet have I found arms as secure as yours
Nor have I felt such love in a pair of eyes
      To look in your eyes for all eternity, how my whole world could be gone
Gentle, kind

Never yet have I discovered a hand that intertwined not only our fingers but our souls.
Nor have I dreamt of a more gentle caress than the touch you give
       Your hands feel like the warm sun rays beating down onto the sand. Warm, inviting

They smelled of coffee and tobacco
          But not in a poetic way
          The way that makes me want to
          get away from you
I can smell the addiction in your breath

My last dying breath

Was your dramatic sigh

I grasp
Knuckles white
To a rope
That has already promised me
It will never break

Slash up from my lips
To make a perfect smile
Iron my stomach flat
I haven't felt this good in a while!

Bleed out my thighs
So they won't be so thick
Pull my hair until it's straight
I think I'm almost perfect!

Maybe I'll break my nose
So it can be a little smaller
Why, this is so much easier
Than paying a thousand dollars!

I think next I'll carve out
All of my scars and impurities
Now I believe that's all it takes
For you to see a beautiful version of me

You can not play with a glass heart

And expect to fix it just as easily as you shattered it

I'm glad you're seeing the consequences of your actions

Chocolate eyes
Midnight hair
Name a place
I'll meet you there

I dream of you
Throughout the night
Then remember you
In the morning light

I'll be patient
Until I see you again
But the thought of you
Will remain in my head

Let's take a trip around the world
Just to show everyone how much you hurt
First we'll start in Paris where you'll try to bid me adieu
But I regret ever saying Bonjour to someone like you
Maybe in Germany I'll get stupid and try to call you mine
But I know I'd be met with a cold hard Nein
Next I'll imagine a Britain where you'd call me love
But in reality you would throw me off the Big Ben and I'd pray to be saved by doves
We could go back to the States and I'll meet you in LA
But you'd run to Montana before ever looking my way
Maybe we could go and visit New York
But you'd stab me instead of cheesecake with your fork
I wish we had the chance to meet up in Hawaii
But I shouldn't have ever loved you
Because you always hated me

Started off last year
Depressed and suicidal
Wish I knew all the things then
That only now I know
I hated myself
And pushed everyone I loved away
Nearly killed myself March 26th
Praying I could survive until May

Finally it came
Graduated 8th grade
That school year felt like living Hell
Lost my best friend and my life I almost paid
Moved across the country
Leaving everyone behind
Decided I could start new
Looking at what I could find

I went to a summer camp
And I renewed my relationship with the Lord
Came back a changed girl
Love instead of hate as my sword
I started high school
New friends came plus stayed with an old one
I met my dream guy
And we somehow fell in love

I'm starting this year brand new
And I know, you can do it too

When I know you're on the other line of the phone, I feel...

Safe
Warm
Happy

You don't even have to talk. I know everything is okay when I know you're with me.

You said I was your answered prayers
You said I was the best girl in the world
You said I was the best thing you could have asked for
Well, now it's my turn.

You are the light in my world.
You make all the bad days the best days ever.
You were the answer to every question I thought of.
You are the peace when I can not sleep.
You are the one thing that can make me smile when I hurt.
You make every day worth living.
You are why I look back at my past and think it was all worth it.
Nothing in this world is like you.

Maybe all those closed doors

Maybe all those broken hearts

Maybe all those questioning why's

Are what lead me straight to you

I had to vacuum up your spot today
And clean up the mess you made
But I didnt care because I loved you
And now I'll never get to see you
I should have petted you one last time
I wish this morning I had said goodbye
I wasnt ready for this much heartbreak
Who knows how long this healing will take

When I take off my makeup
When I wash out my hair
When I change my clothes
Am I still beautiful?

I fell in love with you
From across the table

Lips that have never been kissed
Hair that's never been brushed back
Cheeks that have never been caressed
Hands that have never been held

Yes, I know I dont need a boy
But it gets kind of lonely

Dead roses
In pretty poses

I taught myself to believe
That you were better than that
That you were not the guy everyone told me you were

I taught myself to believe
That you're mistakes were not the usual you
That you were actually really nice

I taught myself to believe
That you were a genuine boy
And when push came to shove, you cared about me

I taught myself to believe
That you were perfect
And that everything would be wonderful if I could call you mine

But after all that teaching
I learned that I was wrong

I love that song
Not because of the beat
But the day we found it together
Just trying to hide from the heat

I'm falling for you
But you only see me as
Your sisters best friend

i used your love letter to spit out my gum

Blonde hair
Green eyes
Fireworks shooting
On a humid July night

She was raised this way
Doesn't need all that money
She'll shine the brightest tonight
She's an American honey

I find
A rhythmic beat
To the pounding
Upon my rooftop
And as the thunder shakes my walls
My thoughts fade
Into the darkness
Of the clouds outside

Every time I drink from that bottle you gave me,
I think of you
Every time I meet someone with your name,
I think of you
Every time I look at yearbooks,
I think of you

Every time I talk with my friends,
I think of you
Every time your best friend texts me,
I think of you
Every time I try to move on,
I still think of you

I'm good at making
Friends, but I'm even better
At losing them all

Thank you
You might not realize it
But you mean so much to me
I only go because I know you're smiling face will greet me
Even though no one else likes me
Or talks to me
(Those people don't know my name after a year)
You never fail to be there for me
It might just be your small act of kindness
But it means the world to me

When I saw that pic
Of us, all I wanted to
Do was shred the thing

Torn out
Tightly yet intricately woven
Pulled up high
Half-dead
Twisted
Excessively washed, cleaned, and dried
Straightened
Fried
Surprised it hasn't all fallen out yet

I've lost who I really am
These chains that I've put on myself
The ones I thought would help
Have changed to powerful ocean waves

They're choking me out
So that no one else can hear my desperate screams
I put on mask after mask
Each one a poor imitation of that girl

The girl that would laugh
And enjoyed having fun
Not this one who cries in the bathroom stall all alone
So if you find her, let me know

Doesn't it sting
Just watching them do anything
And oh how it hurts
Just to watch them flirt
He's the only thing I wanted
And by his ghost I'm haunted
The worst part is
One of my best friends is now his
I should be the one he loves
I want to be the one he hugs
Why does she get to have him
Tears are filling at the brim
My eyes are green
Is it me or him or her that's mean
I don't want to hate them
But I feel trapped in this pen
I hate myself for feeling this way
But it's not something I can just wish away
It's burrowed deep into my soul
Leaving a
Dark
Empty Hole

Isn't it just odd
That no one cares about me
Until I'm crying

You say you want us to still be friends
But it doesn't seem like you mean it
After getting over the pain
I decided I'd believe it
But perhaps you only said that to spare my feelings
Looking at you I know I should have seen it
Watch, you'll start acting like you like me again
And then we'll both repeat it