I feel groggy
On my way
My mind is foggy
But bright my day

For if I am honest
I like to tell stories
The ones which end up
In a fairytale

I am the captain of my life
The decks are colorful
Avoiding any kind of strife
I use my special tool

I use the light
The happiness
I choose to fight
And not to rest

Albeit
I can't forget your face
Your smile's dynamics
Your magical eyes
The love you give
The warm, the bright


The decks are shaking
My mind is breaking
I'm losing control
Over my own soul
It's trembling, it fears
As if it was panicking
Fighting with tears
But those are the joyful
The beautiful ones
They are a part of
Something tremendous
Of something so real
That it hurts

The captain stands straight
He isn't afraid
His hope doesn't fade
He tries to adjust
The balance the faith
The love and the trust
To sort out the voices
The signals the settings
That are covered with dust

He feels quite dizzy
The heart is uneasy
Albeit his soul still
Desires to feel
The warmth on the inside
With hope as the starlight
Remembering moments
To help him get out

As he is addicted
To the powerful might
His eyes turn grey
His heart fills with fright
Still sticking to something
The adrenaline
His mind and his soul
And his heart
In between

I can't calm myself
No can't
There is something in me
I don't understand
I just want to get home
To forget?
Too much
It blocks out everything
I am tired, worn out
Miss my health
Have to find a way out
Times and times again
Don't forget to smile
Don't worry and don't cry
Times and times again
You deserve to be happy my friend

How to be free
How to be me
I need to find
Myself

How to pursue
What's made for you
Still not forgetting
Health

Hell what is this
I am nowhere
Can't find it
Have to fight

This promise
I gave to myself
I need to stick to it

For my own soul
On my true own
Find myself in the deep

Art is mystery
Art is ***
Art is disarray
Art is fact
Art is a slumber
Art is a storm

Art is not comparable at all

Art is for you
Art is for me
Art is for everyone
To touch and see
Art is aggressive
Art is kind
Art are you
And Art am I

How to make you understand
That you mean a lot to me
How to show it to you
I don't know

Come on give me your hand
Don't be afraid of me
Warmly, let me hold you
Let me show my love to you

One smile, one glance
It's happiness
No need for many words
No need for rewards

I never met someone like you before
I never thought I would
I never planned to feel like that
I never Imagined, what happened

Maybe there is someone else
Who makes you feel in the same way
Maybe I am one out of many for you
But it is obvious that we're close
Anyway

I don't wanna speculate
Did it already too much
It was a good lesson
Never interpret more in a touch

Sometimes I feel you are trying to say
That you also like me
But I bet I misunderstand
Anyway, give me your hand

Reaching out into the emptiness
of my heart,
Calling out your name
in vain,
Why the hell had I wanted this?
Why would I ever tear us apart?

It feels as though there are two people here,
the one who acted before and me today.
I kinda know that I broke up with you
But it’s too hard to move on this way.

I feel such grief, sadness, loss and confusion,
And I feel angry at myself for feeling so,
It seems that over you I’ve chosen an illusion,
A beautiful bouquet of flowers, nothing more.

Even if it won't help anybody but me
It has to be worth it anyway.
Writing down how I feel within me,
How my mind is leading me astray.

I once thought that I found the way
That I knew where I'm going and why.
I thought, I understand and can say
What is wrong and what is right.

Turns out I again was wrong
Things are different, more complex.
After all I feel broken, alone,
And it has become hard to relax.

I am wondering when it is time
For myself to just fall and let go,
To be able to let my thoughts be
And to breath, deeply breath, on my own.

Instead I am feeling estranged
From this world and my thoughts
Alienated.
I am trying to grasp what it means
And I don't understand,
Feeling frustrated.

This is where this poem leads us
Needless to say into the unknown
And repeatedly one may have asked,
Is there really nowhere she can go?

Strange
Emotions
Call
Strange
Thoughts
And stay
Not knowing
Where to go
Or what the purpose is
They either question things
Or set up a confusion
And in the end
I realize that
All those thoughts
Were an illusion

this is my conclusion

Hah
As I am understanding myself more and more
I am watching

My suffering,
Wanting to grasp its core.

Tons of shame and of blame.

My little self somewhere underneath
Trying to breath.

Every day when it's time to meditate
I allow my pain to rise.

Every time I'm hoping to arrive
At some deep new revelation.

But it looks as though
There is no final destination.

Looking at how I'm looking at myself.
Am I wasting my time?
There's nothing to see
Apart from Me and Me and Me.

Self-loathing, then holding myself close.
Because I remember to breath and to pause.
Because I remember about compassion.
But still, this process is much work.

I wish things were easier, lighter,
I wish I'd knew what I want to fight for,
I wish I'd understood my relationships better,
I wish I wouldn't blame myself for everything including weather...

I wish. I wish. I wish.

The hardest part is to let go,
Whatever that means.
It's as unsatisfying
As this poem's ending.

There's a decision to make
I gotta make it straight
Always look on the now
Never look back somehow
I am analyzing too much
Don't feel free to keep in touch
Heart is worried, feared of breaking
Heavy is the breath I'm taking
It was long ago that I
Lost my truth up in the sky
Every sparkle, it depended
On the stars that you made shine
I hoped that love never be ended
But how to know without to try

Tell me
Why
Tell me
Why
Tell me
How
I don't know
Tell me
When
Tell me
What
Tell me
Who's gonna show?

Love yourself
Love everyone
Love life
Love being
On your own
Share love
Share hope
Share happiness
Be loved and love
Cause that's the best!

I wrote ten poems about you
Or maybe even more
I wrote about my thoughts
I wrote a lot a lot

I wrote about you
Your smile, your eyes
As bright as skies
The shining of your face

I wrote to see, to understand
What this all means to me
But in the end, all that I felt
Looked like a maze to me

I wrote ten poems about you
I tried to understand
I wrote about my feelings
And thoughts inside my head

I wrote about your attitude
Your living happiness
I wrote about the positive
The good things and the best

I never realized it before
And now it's kinda late
How much I cared
How much for you I felt

I wrote the poems desperately
Because of room and time
I tried to make every of them
To be filled up with rhyme

It was quite easy
Because of you
Your smile,
Your friendly attitude

Your opened nature
Your manly stature
Your free emotions
Your crazy devotions

I wrote ten poems about you
For how impressed I am
I'll keep on writing about you
Until the very end

I wrote ten poems about you
Or maybe even more
I'll keep on writing about you
And you don't even know

We are lost souls
Together
But just for tonight.

Lost souls aren't able to find in each other salvation,
Our embrace is not our final destination.

And I felt nothing but fear
And I didn't know at all
How all this could disappear
And I didn't want to fall
And I couldn't tell myself
What I did want and what not
I need to find myself again
To be alone on my true own

Today I will have fun
Alone
I'm doing this retreat
On my own
To be and feel again
At home.

I admit that I am worried
I admit I think too much
I admit to be ignoring
Some strong feelings
Cause they touch

I admit I am not trying
To distract myself at all
I admit to be so grateful
For the feelings that I got
I admit to be admiring
You and just my love for you
I admit that now I'm trying
To make you think about it too

Sadness creeps in
And keeps my warmth out
As though my internal warmth
Wanted to leave in form of tears.

Sounds of laughter
What a joy
Sounds of sadness
Not a toy
Laughing hard
At someone's bad
Keep an eye on you instead

I'll let you freedom
You decide
Figure out
How often
I am on your mind
Listen to your feelings
Listen to your heart
It is always right
It is never wrong

Now, in the middle of the night
I have this urge to tell you
How much I love you
And how much I appreciate you being by my side as I am walking through life sometimes graciously and sometimes not.
I want you to experience more of my happiness
I'd like to share all of it with you.
I love that you are the one by my side when I am learning to trust and love life again.
Thank you.

This pride
This time
That you
I found
However
That happened
It's marvellous
Thanks God
Thank you
I thank myself
This great achievement's
More than gorgeous
I know, I've known
Not always
How much
I appreciate
You and me
But the real
Feelings' touch
Shook me up
Irresistibly

He
He is
He is so interesting
I was impressed
And I laughed

Stop to
Think
I can't
You keep
Chasing
Me
Haven't
Heard
From you
Waiting
Desperately
Old and new
At once
But I never
Know
Love
Is either
There
Or it's
Only show

Falling onto his back
But I want to fall on my own
Standing only leaning towards him
He is helping me to cope
Now I realize this
And it is not funny at all
I thought I was stronger
But it was his strength I was measuring
And I needed it
Though now the new times have come
Still wanna love him
But let him go.
So that I finally can simply hold his hand
Without putting all my weight and sorrow
On his shoulder.

I wanna have a bright tomorrow
And see it positively for my own
My greatness is hard to find
In insecure times
When I need to remind myself
Sometimes in rhymes
That my self worth
Is not connected to others
That it's also not dependent on success
That in fact I am already capable
To feel strong and safe on my own
Despite all the trauma I have gone through.

It is hard though
Cause one part still fears
Needs a saviour
Doesn't trust
Doesn't want to rely on myself
Doesn't know that I can help.

How to reach my self,
My hurt inner child?
How to let my partner go
And to rewire myself
With myself?

Can anybody understand what I mean?
I have a deep wound within.
I am working so ******* myself,
Really trying different techniques,
In the end art is what's helping my health and the stone inside of me shrinks.

Though the wound is looking for a substitute
And I don't want to feel like a ******* :D
I just want to give enough love to myself  
Isn't it enough to help myself?

How to end the unhealthy dependency
And still keep my relationship safe?
Does anybody know some kind of recipe?
Because I'm really looking for a way...

Everyone's waiting
The waiting room
Some look sad
Some neutral or mad
Some play with their children
The sounds of joy
The child often drops
Its colorful toy

Some cough
Some sigh
Some seem tough
Some seem to hide

Everyone one is waiting

Some are patient
And some aren't
Everyone's a patient
Some old, some current

None of them knows really what to do.
Some of them are just like me and you.
Some believe in the now
Some are looking for how
To entertain themselves ...
There are some brochures
On the shelves ...

Some read, some are in deep thought
Some text their friends
Some are being called
Some just seem to pretend
Doing nothing at all
Just as I am sitting here
I am waiting without fear
And I'm typing this poem
On my phone, that's my gere
It is always better to create
A beautiful poem to hear
Even if a situational
Even if an inspirational one
It always makes sense
To write a poem when you're alone! :)

I don't know how to express it yet, not really.
But I do feel love coming my way,
As from that fresh air outside today,
To the moment where I might just say...
That I love you.

I just really want to experience that,
Sitting beside the fire,
I'll never forget,
Looking at the sky
With you,
I am smiling,
And you, too.

Your eyes depict the stars for me,
The sky is open, full of blessings,
Just like the feeling that I get
When you are holding me.

Don't you regret whatever thoughts may make you,
But be here with me, my butterfly,
My sun at the night sky,
And my fire fly
Of delight.

You are the highlight to my light,
Sharing these deep moments
With you,
Means so so much.
I literally always miss your touch.

Although I am at peace with me,
Or trying to be,
I love to share moments of love with thee.

I choose what I focus on.

Yes, you do
You can make a difference
You really matter
You are an individual
You deserve a Life in
Peace Love Harmony

Sometimes wondering
where I’m going
Missing people
who believed in me

Feeling empty, guilty, angry
Loneliness and more within me

Losing sight of hope
But a spark stays here.

I don't really know if you love poetry,
I know that you yourself can use words lovingly,
I love getting lost in your passionate ways,
Let me be the mirror of love to you.

Why do I feel so old?
I am not old but gold,
It's only my thirtieth birthday.
I'm gonna need to find Emilia Clarke
To be able to come out of the dark
And to trust myself and to love myself
As I am.

To live for myself.. be my friend.
To be free, I need to believe.
At the moment I feel much pressure.
But I know if our love is real -
Any challenge it will heal.
I am sure, it is a treasure.

And there's a mountain in front of me
A mountain of work, of disarray
A mountain of delights is behind this one
I can only see it when lights are gone

The mountains decrease
Doesn't change anything
There always will be a new mountain within
Cause I create em they're a part of the game
You don't need to care
You don't need to pay

Just carry them, carry!
So heavy around
Just think of it think!!!
Don't let them be drown
Stop thinking then stop
But how can I how?
To drown an own thought
Is like suicide, feels wrong
But you can decide
So do yourself a favour
**** pain.
**** the heavy
The hard life endeavor

Ghosting
Ghosting
I am ghosting myself

Wasting
Wasting
I am wasting my life

Shadows
Shadows
Shadows all around me

Sadness
Sadness
Sadness is the last thing

That makes me happy y y

I'm gonna testify my love to you,
I feel so horrified, and so don't you.
You don't even know what I went through.
After two years thinking about you.

I tried to love someone but you.
But I never felt the same again as for you.
So I decided to set you finally free,
I need you to know about me.

I need to tell you, I loved you.
I don't even know, if I still do.
I have not seen you for a long while,
And I almost forgot how you smile.

But tomorrow is the day and I will know,
If I still do love you like long ago.
Anyway I wanna tell you that I did.
I just need you to know about it.

Well, the plan is insecure, I agree.
But it's something I decided for me.
If not in this life, when can I tell,
Someone I loved for real, what I feel.

I tried to figure out the words,
I'm gonna use.
If we are honest,
I don't have as much to lose.
I'm gonna take a joker and tell you,
"I fell in love with you, when I met you".

I am so excited about your reaction,
I can't wait for it, honestly.
Although simultaneously I am,
So afraid, that I can barely breath.

I hope I can finally say it,
And of course, I might surprise you a lot.
I mean, if we're honest, we're not close.
And not close enough for that matter at all.

Somehow I am happy though that you live
In a different city than me,
Although there's a distance between us,
It will be possible to flee.

I don't know what to expect. Honestly.
There are too many unknowns in the equation.
But I chose truth for once and we'll see,
How I'll manage to testify to thee.

I won't think about others
No I won't
I will listen to my feelings
And my heart

I know there's something
Beneath
All these fears

I can feel it
I can hear it
Breath

Something holds me back
To show it
Let it go

But I simply need more time
On my own

It's a story
About you
You and me

I can't wait
Till I see you
Finally!

I am here.
It's ok, breath.
I love you.
I know, it's difficult sometimes.
We fall into patterns of wanting to make everyone around us happy. But ourselves.
We sometimes need time to see and realize this.
To recognize what is happening.
We are learning.
It's good you show yourself as you are.
I have your back.
You don't need to control anything or anyone.
Just be and relax.
Just be yourself.
You are safe here.
I am always here for you.

So tired
The baby next to me
Is loud
I'm worried
The thoughts
Run a marathon
And it goes
On
And
On
And
On
And
On
My heartbeat racing
My mind is tracing
Every fear,
That could come near,
It's more than insecurities,
It's rather severe.

I'm anxious on the train.

And there in the deep
That is pretty **** steep
He is vulnerable and shy
He is insecure - like I.

This one message
I won't read it
This one message
I ever needed

Now I understand
That I was subconsciously angry at you
Because I thought
You were too invasive on my life.

Because I thought you influenced me too much.
Because I have not felt free enough in our relationship.
But I am seeing now that it was me who wasn't able to be herself all along from the start.
I fell into a cage that I myself had built.
Then I blamed you for it.
Well now it's too late.
Or is it not?
At least that realization is the most valuable so far.

And it brings relief.
It was me who could not feel and be free.
I realize and see this now.
Only now.

I was angry at you for something you have never done in the first place.

Wut und Schmerz
In meinem Herz
Ein Pfeil
Bedrängt
Verdrängt
Verengt
Verrenkt
Verschenkt
Die 17 Jahre
Oder mehr?
Und neugeboren
Werde ich
Womöglich.
Vertrauen schöpfen,
Wenn im Inneren das Fegefeuer
Lodert.

Verhindern
Will ICH jede Lösung.
Verlieren
Will ICH nicht.
Vielleicht vergesse ICH
mal wieder
Den Schmerz der Wahrheit
Schlicht.

ICH übertreib' es nicht!
Die sind alle Verräter-Menschen,
Die Welt ist furchtbar, dreckig, schlimm.
ICH will nur raus von hier,
ICH weiß nur nicht wohin.
Die Scham?
Jaja, hab von gehört.
Aber du bist ein Idiot.
Versuchst mich zu verstehen...
ICH WILL doch untergehen.
Genie? Ja, dafür halt' ICH MICH,
Deshalb verfass' ich das Gedicht.
Verschiedenartig, dennoch gleich,
Spiele euch hiermit einen Streich.
Nur um MICH selbst zu überlisten.
ICH führe immer eine Liste,
Über Gewinne und Verluste...
Wer auf Platz eins ist, wo ICH steh',
Muss schaun' dass ICH net untergeh'.

ICH weiß, in mir steckt so viel mehr.
Oder auch nichts? Oder auch nichts.
ICH bin enttäuscht.
Verletzt.
Verlegen.
ICH bin allein, muss überlegen.
ICH muss mal sehen, was ich mach'.
Vielleicht spiele ich lieber Schach?
Nein, Schach ist nur für alte Leute!
Ich such' mir lieber was von heute.
Was heißt, ehrlich sein, nochmal?
Ich weiß, es ist vielleicht ne Qual.
Für DICH.
Ja, da hab ICH wohl Recht. Das wollte ICH.
Das ist doch echt? Ist's echt genug?
Oder braucht's mehr?
Es braucht nur weniger, I guess.

I just need to say YES.
I just need to let go.
I just need to be free.
To let myself be me.

I am open to receive love, kindness and compassion.

I want you to know
That everything's possible.
Don't ever be afraid
Cause' fear isn't that great.

I want you to know
That your time is now.
Stop thinking about
Nonexistent dimensions.

Your mind will not frown
In this moment of yours.
Let everything go
It's the best, I don't doubt.

Be sure that you know
You can change the world
Make use of your power
Since this is your sword.

The power of presence.
The power of now.
You're the warrior of truth.
And today is your crown!

Let your powerful sword
Guide you every night
Cut the evil inside
With that powerful light.

And forget the importance
The importance of mind.
But express everything
Through the clearance of light.

Devastated
Caught
En-caged.
And inside me
Pure hate-rage.
I believe you,
You hurt, too.
But I was too naive,
Since I tried to believe.

It's alright, baby,
Just the way it is,
No need to change a thing.

It's alright, baby,
Just the way it is,
No need to fall apart.

Meditation, meditation
Meant to be healthy vibration,
Diving deep into the now
Losing every form somehow.

Feeling guilty
I neglected
My long meditations.

Feeling overwhelmed
Many tasks
In my head.

I am now avoiding
My own self-
Confronting.

Wanting peace
Still.
To know how I feel.

I am myself but
Ugly.
And maybe that's
Why I feel sick.

Sick of playing some role
To everyone around me.

"You're so beautiful, nice."
"You're an angel", they say.

But they don't know that I
Struggle every day.

I should be so grateful
For my physical health.
So thanks.

But I am disappointed
By having panic attacks.

Breathing gets very shallow,
Sometimes I lose control,
In my mind many thoughts,
I feel lost and alone.

Hundreds pieces
Are called Me.
But who manages it all?

Sometimes I want to hide
In a warm dark safe place
Where nobody sees me
And I don't need to be
Anyone.

I don't need to play
Any role.

I can call this place
My home.

I can feel whole
On my own.

Where I hold myself
When I am worried.

And I tell myself
Different stories.

Where I truly believe
In love.

Where I feel
As though I was enough.

Dancing at the equilibrium
Trying to fulfill the balance
Of the night
Of the night
Of the night....

Belief is my cable
that is connected to the phone
that is there for someone to call
that someone will know the answer
that answer will change everything
that everything is my life
that life is short and long
because time is subjective.

Can one word change everything?
I BELIEF it can.

Who is calling?
My soul.

Ich lief dynamischen Spaziergangs
An einem Rosenbusch vorbei,
Dann für ein paar schöne Sekunden,
In denen ich mich überwunden,
Kam ich in Rosenduftgenuss,
Es war so lieblich wie ein Kuss.

He is trying hard
He could just give up
But no, he stays strong,
He keeps moving on.