Devastated
Caught
En-caged.
And inside me
Pure hate-rage.
I believe you,
You hurt, too.
But I was too naive,
Since I tried to believe.

1000 grains of sand in my throat
And I was so naive, yes so.
After being the most suspicious person
I chose to believe, to show my deep grief.

1500 grains in my mind,
All horrible assumptions reunite,
I gave in once again into the light,
It turned out to be buried in the night.

10.000 grains are heavy and cold,
They creep through my heart.
And I was so naive, yes so.
But I had to get hurt to finally let go.

Now, in the middle of the night
I have this urge to tell you
How much I love you
And how much I appreciate you being by my side as I am walking through life sometimes graciously and sometimes not.
I want you to experience more of my happiness
I'd like to share all of it with you.
I love that you are the one by my side when I am learning to trust and love life again.
Thank you.

It's ok to feel angry and to feel desperate about things.

It's ok to sometimes fall out of balance.
Out of flow like a leaf that gets stuck somewhere between branches or stones.
A minute ago this leaf was flying graciously like a butterfly but it lost its balance and got stuck. Squeezed between some objects.
Now it has to stop worrying. To look around and to breath. "Where am I?" it says. "A minute ago I was flying carelessly like a beautiful butterfly 🦋 and now...?" it thinks.
"It's ok to lose your balance sometimes" it hears an unfamiliar voice. "It happens so that you can stop and look around for a moment. It happens so that you can appreciate what is here now. Breath, relax. Soon enough you will fly again."

🙏

Or maybe... the balance gets restored when I lose my fast pace for a minute?

Es wird nicht leichter
Und ich mach weiter
Bis der morgen
Weniger schwer ist
Bis mein Herz wieder
Atmen kann.
Bis ich wieder sagen kann:
Ich liebe mich.
Bis ich dankbar sein kann
Für die Luft.
Bis ich frei bin.
Bis ich ich bin.
Bis ich ich bin und
Mich nicht allein fühle.

Bis dahin werde ich
Weitermachen
Noch mehr lachen
Krach und Witze machen
Zeit allein genießen.
Auch wenn der Tag beschissen ist.
Ich geb nicht auf,
Wenn's am schwersten ist.
Niemand kennt mich so wie ich.
Niemand sieht meine Schmerzen ganz.
Ich bin deshalb für mich verantwortlich.
Ich werde mich nicht aufgeben, niemals.
Mit Schmerzen und Misstrauen schreib ich das.

Ich bin bereit mehr Gas zu geben.
Für mich und für ein schönes leichtes Leben.
Ohne traumatische Erinnerungen eben.
Ohne inadequate Reaktionen.
Mit lächeln und dem Wissen in mei'm Herz,
Dass jede einzelne Minute wert es war,
Mich zu dem Augenblick zu führen
Durch den Schmerz.

Pseudogedichte
Mag ich
Immer wieder
Schreib' ich
Nehm mich selbst nicht ernst
Versteck' ich meine Wahrheit
Verstecke meinen Schmerz.

Will Menschen zum Lachen bringen,
Will Freude in sie auswringen,
Die letzte, die ich habe
Nur heute noch,
Einer der letzten Tage.

So *******es.
In mir weint es.
Es schreit -
Die Angst vorm Tod.

Wie fühlten sich die Verurteilten?
Diejenigen, die wussten,
Bald werden sie tot?

Hätten sie noch körperliche Schmerzen zu beklagen?
Hatten sie noch Schwere auf dem Herzen?
Ich frage mich das
Wahrscheinlich umsonst.

It's ok to make mistakes, ask for help and to not know.

It's okay to feel lonely and abandoned sometimes.

I feel her love
But it is painful
In every gift I got from her
Something seems to be lost forever
I hope that it can still be found

In distance, melancholia
Fills up each moment of forgiveness
In self blame, doubt, I drown
Each feeling so that I -
Don't feel the pain and cry.

I try to see the positive
But guilt is underneath of it
What have I done?
What have I lost?
I am confused
And barely let her close.

I try. But there's a wall of what? between us,
Like a kaleidoscope, a picture hard to grasp.
It could be fears and anger,
But shame won't let me see beyond them, I confess.

Connected
Is what I want us to be
I should give us the chance
No running away

The confidence we'll need
We'll find
If this is what will happen.
I just want to trust
In your eyes
I will meet my fears
And go beyond

It's gonna be worth it
To show you my tears
Fall into your arms
I want this
But it only will happen
If it's supposed to.
I can't force it, you know.
Though I can stay present for us
And believe in the best outcome.
I'd never want to hurt you ever
Trust me
How you feel does matter
To me

I am afraid
And shaking insecurely
Can you bear my unaware times
Can you hold me when I am almost breaking in 1000 tears...
Biting together my teeth
Caring about what every body thinks..

I am honestly afraid
To get lost in somebody else's eyes
But if that's what is supposed to happen
Then I guess it will
...
Guess there's a part of me
That's searching for someone else
To fall for
And that part I have tried to ignore
But I'll try and accept it after all
Otherwise it'll always be there...
I know it's hard to trust
When I tell you these things
When I share everything....
Is it fair?

I still think I could get to know you better
Every time I tried to listen to you
You showed your true self
Opened up I guess..
I might be too confused and distracted by my own self all the time..

I won't be sorry but I struggle on the inside.
Will I be able to transform myself?
Though then it won't be for you...
Nor for nobody else.
I have to do it for myself.
Cause otherwise the lesson will come again... It will repeat itself.

Afraid to feel
To touch and heal
Afraid to see
Reality

Afraid to hope
And slip of the rope
Afraid to believe
And fall into grief
Afraid to love
And not be enough

Afraid to leave
Step beyond my walls
Afraid to let go
Fly above the shores
Afraid to accept
And lose sense at all
Afraid to fall
To feel hurt and nothing more.

I am afraid to get lost in the pain.
I am afraid to stop breathing by shame
I am afraid to feel shattered again
And to think that all life is vain

Allow the feelings to come to you
Only this way you will ever discover
If what you fear could possibly be true
Or if it was empty and you can recover

Go on. Open up! Now.

Guarded by the beautiful trees
I sit
Dwelling in the sun
My chest being warmed
My eyes closed
"Trust me", sings the soft breeze
As I surrender to the being
To the moment
To birds' and nature's sounds around me
Peacefully
Healing...

Belief is my cable
that is connected to the phone
that is there for someone to call
that someone will know the answer
that answer will change everything
that everything is my life
that life is short and long
because time is subjective.

Can one word change everything?
I BELIEF it can.

Who is calling?
My soul.

It's all about the choices
You're in a tornado of voices
And still the power is yours:
Feel free and simply choose.

Falling onto his back
But I want to fall on my own
Standing only leaning towards him
He is helping me to cope
Now I realize this
And it is not funny at all
I thought I was stronger
But it was his strength I was measuring
And I needed it
Though now the new times have come
Still wanna love him
But let him go.
So that I finally can simply hold his hand
Without putting all my weight and sorrow
On his shoulder.

I wanna have a bright tomorrow
And see it positively for my own
My greatness is hard to find
In insecure times
When I need to remind myself
Sometimes in rhymes
That my self worth
Is not connected to others
That it's also not dependent on success
That in fact I am already capable
To feel strong and safe on my own
Despite all the trauma I have gone through.

It is hard though
Cause one part still fears
Needs a saviour
Doesn't trust
Doesn't want to rely on myself
Doesn't know that I can help.

How to reach my self,
My hurt inner child?
How to let my partner go
And to rewire myself
With myself?

Can anybody understand what I mean?
I have a deep wound within.
I am working so ******* myself,
Really trying different techniques,
In the end art is what's helping my health and the stone inside of me shrinks.

Though the wound is looking for a substitute
And I don't want to feel like a ******* :D
I just want to give enough love to myself  
Isn't it enough to help myself?

How to end the unhealthy dependency
And still keep my relationship safe?
Does anybody know some kind of recipe?
Because I'm really looking for a way...

I'm mad

I'm mad at you
For laying your weight
Down on me.

I'm mad
Even if I'm not supposed to be.

I thought.
But what I think
It isn't always right.

I'm mad at you
And I step up
For the first time.

I despised you
For years.
Always hiding
My tears.

I got hurt and beyond that
I didn't think I got the right
To be mad.

It was unfair but to me it seemed
You were the only victim.

So I held myself back.
I thought I supposed to.
I used to be sad,
Then turned to be mad.
And after all that
Hate captured my head.

I hated that you
Made me think about you
Only.

I hated that I wasn't strong enough
To fight for my peace.

I didn't know how to protect myself
You were my role model
And I had to obey.

I couldn't separate my head
From your **** way
To use me, f* it,
Tell me what to do.

I used to comfort you,
No matter what.
And you expected me
To be enough.

You told me I was special,
And what not.
And I was fearing
I could disappoint you.

You know, in fact, I was just normal.
But you made me ignore my boundaries
For you.
You made me think,
There wasn't a thing
That I couldn't do.

So every time I failed,
I hated myself
Instead of you.

I tried to live up to your expectations,
Were you ever aware that this was way too much??

I was a child, ******,
Will you understand?
It still hurts me and I feel guilty,
But I am mad. I'm very mad at you.

And you know what?
I do have the right to!

I do see that you had your struggles, too.
But that won't change the fact
That you treated me in a way that was bad

... for my self worth, my belief,
For my ability to stand up for myself,
For my needs, and to make my own choices,
Instead of positive things,
I still hear your demanding **** voices.

In my head. And it rings. And for the first time I say. I AM MAD. And you cannot change a thing about that.

I wanna be somebody with a heart
Who suffered enough
From self-commanding
Who now is simply happy
And who stopped pretending.

I wanna be self-understanding
I want to finally see
That it's the only way,
To let go of unhealthy ideas
That sit deep in my brain.

You're not enough, they say
But often they just laugh
And you feel shame
STOP that. It's over now.
You only will decide.
Can you embrace yourself?

Whatever others said to you,
They, too, follow a programm,
It's leading their brains
To put themselves and everybody else
In chains - of shame, hate and what not.

They judge and how about you?
Well you can decide if they're able to crush you.
If you're listening to the judgements of others
It means that a part of you believes in what they say.
This part is insecure, It's coming from tough times,
From sad times of disappointment and grief.

Take care of these vulnerable parts of yourself,
Just know - Nobody else can really understand -
What you have been through.

But here you stand and I see you.
It's never too late to turn to yourself,
And to apologize for not listening and not being there.

It's never too late to stop hating yourself and start to embrace your own life path.
Nobody else gets to experience the same! It's your and only way and you are still alive!!!

You still can question, see, take your own hand and breath, tell yourself that you understand your grief!

No matter how wounded others made you be, there also will be those who
will be worth - to trust and open up to.
You will see!

Only those who can accept themselves how they are, will also be able to accept, see and love you for who you are.

But your way to happiness always goes through your own heart and it's there and it is beating!
Even if you are wondering why still you are breathing.
Well it's cause you still have a chance to find yourself!
And to experience the beauty of life,
It means that you are able to cope with fears, with anger, with strife, with all the unspeakable pain, with every imaginable unfairness of this world!

The way to inner peace goes through your heart, where you will find, again and again that you are amazing just how you are.

I allow you to be
I know you're inside of me
Hell, you are a part of me
And with me you will stay forever.

Now I have given you so many names,
I still know though what I mean.
I mean this certain body place
And everything around it.

You are my energy,
My love and hate,
All the emotions,
You are my deep wound,
My black hole,
My darkest out of the most darkest places in the universe.

Myself. You are. Myself.
My hidden and forbidden parts.
My shame, but also help and health,
My flow, my movement, my relief,
My strength, my feelings, my belief,
My life, my truth, my happiness,
It's all in you, I knew, I knew.

I really want to allow you
To come and show yourself
You have been hidden there
For many years
You hid your fears and even tears,
You lied, you cried on the inside,
You couldn't step out and be free,
You didn't know that you were ME,
That access to the freedom I denied to thee,
And now I finally am trying to set you free.

All things you have been hiding cause of shame,
Because of blame,
From people who meant much to thee.  

Oh trust me, please.
I mean, I understand,
How can I talk to you with ease,
After all these years ...
Just like that.

But I have only now for real discovered,
Who was hiding from whom all this time.
And the real me that I have buried and covered,
Now is afraid to trust the I.

I totally get that. I hurt myself.
By listening to everybody else.
But I was just a kid, you know, we were.
We totally just started to take baby steps...
When **** began to crush our brain,
It's almost a wonder, we found ourselves again.
So after all these years, forgive me, please?
I have never cared more about you, than today.

From all this pain
I learned, I needed you,
You are my core,
My light, my life, my love.
Never again will I ignore you,
And I know just this poem
Will not be enough.

I am fighting for you tough
From now on.
I have started a long time ago,
But only now I understand,
That to reunite with you, I need to stop to pretend.

I really meant every word I said.
I will always have you, by my side.
What a fool would I be
To just lie to me and thee
Again and again?

No. It stops. And I will be trying hard.
To listen to you, my one and only heart
My deepest honest part,
The one that counts the most,
You are my personal universe.

You are my inner child.
My energy and connection,
Don't worry, I will drop my strife for the perfection.
I only want to finally be free,
And take you back to be
Where you belong.

With me. My dearest self,
You do belong with me.
And I am trying to give you hope
And welcome you,
Where now we both will be
United.
Just how we were, when we were three years old.
Before the world divided us,
Before we lost each bit of trust.
Now finally connected
And I never want to let you go ever again.

Should I ever lose your voice again,
Promise me to make some noise, ok?
Now that I know how your voice would sound,
I will quickly look for you
Until you're found.

I don't have to be sorry
Not at all
My conscience will fall
And let me alone
I will not regret
Not one thing
Not one
I will feel
Instead of fearing
I will see
Instead of hiding
I will go there
Meet it
Face to face
I will not let myself die in disgrace
I will fight for what I want
I will go there, fall, get up again.
I'll be strong
And stronger
Than I have ever been
I will be golden
Rock solid,
Deep with every emotion within.
I will fight, I will fall, and get up.
I will know how to call myself up.
To be able to look it in the eye
No matter how scary,
No matter how much I denied everything before.
Now and forever more
I will be who I truly really am
I will be myself, honestly
I will be and be and be and I will BE
Fierce and fiery and unapologetically ME.

Afraid?
Of what?
Of what's inside of me.

How evil
Dangerous
Destructive
Could it be?

I am my own careful detective
Investigating parts of me
That I myself have hid
For years quite stubbornly

Will I be able to rejoin
All parts of me together?
Will I be able to enjoy
The wholeness then forever?

It's not as easy to put into words
It feels as if I had maybe two hearts
There's one that tries to be so nice
But underneath it lies...
Another one, the dark and rough,
That one was made by times so tough
That really it just cannot smile
It has its own dark heavy style

I'm digging deep to see
My fear is growing though
That's how I managed to ignore
My darkness for so long

But finally, for feelings' sake,
I gotta stop before it's late
I need to see and to admit
Who am I underneath the dry smile
That I have been practicing for a long while


Scared of losing myself?
Maybe.
But I gotta risk it,
Don't I?

After all I just know
That my darkest side
Does deserve the attention
Of my soul and mind

It's a part of me
I'll express it in arts
Before my dry smile
Dries out both my hearts.

No, I don't know
What love is
At all.

I am wondering
And my soul
Is about to fall

What is love
Why is love
And why are we all?

Are these simply questions of a depressed mind?
Maybe.
But also of one that is trying to find

Reasons
To live and to feel and to love.
Again.
More
And more honestly than ever.

Searching is my current state.
It's rather stuck, but does vibrate
Uncomfortably under my ribs
Where the deepest of feelings should be

Instead I am mostly inhibiting my head
But I want to learn to change that
My body needs more of my attention
I need to connect
To reconnect I guess.

I noticed there is a big gap
Between my soul, my head, my body..
It is as if I am existing in parts.

Maybe it's true cause energy is divided
Maybe.

I don't really know much
My focus recently has been very shallow
I guess I lost other people's touch
The human connections with fellows

They matter. Society matters.
This is where love meets me
But rarely.

I did experience hate though
In groups.
No body came to save me

But that's over, isn't it?
Or do I still have to learn to trust?

Am I still so influenced by it?
That I'd rather deny myself
Than to accept
That someone might not like
Sth about me instead.

Why is it so bad?
How to get rid of this weird energy.
How to find a way to be finally free.
I am not even begging for materialistic freedom.
I just want to be able to decide
How my life is gonna be
Where I am gonna be
And in each and every moment
What is actually right for me?

I know I overstepped some boundaries
And I will overstep even more
There are boundaries I overstep unwillingly
And there's others that I knowingly ignore.

How likes sometimes dicatate me my self worth...
But I'm a rebel and I had enough.
From now on what I like - that counts for me.
That way I'll hopefully learn to be free.

I don't know how to express it yet, not really.
But I do feel love coming my way,
As from that fresh air outside today,
To the moment where I might just say...
That I love you.

I just really want to experience that,
Sitting beside the fire,
I'll never forget,
Looking at the sky
With you,
I am smiling,
And you, too.

Your eyes depict the stars for me,
The sky is open, full of blessings,
Just like the feeling that I get
When you are holding me.

Don't you regret whatever thoughts may make you,
But be here with me, my butterfly,
My sun at the night sky,
And my fire fly
Of delight.

You are the highlight to my light,
Sharing these deep moments
With you,
Means so so much.
I literally always miss your touch.

Although I am at peace with me,
Or trying to be,
I love to share moments of love with thee.

Out of time
No one minds
Anything
At all

Floating
Two crazy
Minds
And two
Whirring
Souls

Far away
But home
In your
Arms

Your touch
And comfort
Warm
Like
Home
In
Winter
Like snowflakes
On the windows
Painting.

Like the sound
Of rain in the summer.
Soft.
Cozy.
Refreshing.

Everlasting
Moment
With
No
Time.

Harmony
Is our
Song
I am sure
You heard it
Too.
This night.

Uncovering
Undercover
Ideas

I recover
From long madness
Called N-U-M-B-N-E-S-S

Held me in
For too long
Behind bars
Made of steel
Of fears

F-E-A-R-S

Instead of
TEARS

I wished many times
I could feel SADNESS
But all I felt was
NOTHINGNESS
And nothing else

Then I looked precisely
At the NOTHINGNESS
And found everything
Hidden in there.

Not only SADNESS
and NEGATIVITIES
But even HAPPINESS
and POSITIVITIES

I found new POSSIBILITIES
And the NOTHINGNESS
Became EVERYTHINGNESS

just like the colour WHITE
consists of all the other colours
Combined.

Trust the process. They say.
But what if I am the process?
Anyway, my mind is directing my actions,
My body's the one to obey.
But shouldn't it be in a vice versa way?

To listen to the body, for a change.
I can imagine that, but can I manage that?
The body knows the healthy way,
Why should my mind lead instead?

Back to the roots, they say.
I weren't there, I state.
I cannot know for sure,
The origin of human way.

Does the body ever speak to me though?
Oh, I'm sure it at least sometimes whispers.
Don't eat that sugarfilled product, you,
I need simply more oxytocin.

This one weak voice, you can realize,
If you pay attention very closely,
Our bodies miss the human touch,
But we feed it with chocolate, almost chocking.

Our bodies miss sports, exercise,
Do you feel, how your muscles get weaker?
Get out there, for a fresh morning run,
Your body will be happier much quicker.

Let your health be the leader of your day,
Listen to your inner body's voice,
It has every minute-hour, much to say,
It's about life, for what it's worth.

Our bodies miss love,
Our mind's blown away,
Shouldn't we listen up,
And give our bodies a say?

Numb?
No actually better already,
Painful?
halfway, not full I suppose.
Thought I was so very aware,
Turned out, I didn't know half of the truth.

Fears chasing me, yet again.
And I try to stay in the moment,
Maybe that was the mistake,
I held on to it, with force.

I was convinced, my inner state,
Must feel all pure and harmonious,
Every time I have made it into the
Present moments.
But very possible I was wrong,
And I covered my fears with an image,
Of how I would think,
A moment in human's life should feel.

Sounds bit complicated, I know.
But I know what I talk about.
I am tired of hiding the unpleasant,
I better live with, not without it.

In fact without it, that's not possible.
At least till I have cleared it up.
It can't disappear, it's emotional,
And I used to cover it up.

It was a part of my perfect thinking,
I idealized myself,
In my view, I am a real warrior,
A hero for the weak and dead,
I put this expectation on myself,
I carried it around like a shield,
And though no arrow really got to me,
I still got traumatized, stopped to feel.
In fact behind the shield I was just hiding,
I hid my fears, my worries beneath,
I am still very sure that they're my weaknesses,
I tried to be different, and the result was this.

I truly stopped to feel real pain,
I fell to ashes and got up again,
But through the journey,
I lost who I was,
And my humanity got lost.

Now I am standing here,
My shield, still in my hand,
But I have made a hole,
To look through it instead.

I am not ready to uncover,
How damaged I am underneath,
I am not ready to discover,
My truth and my uncertainties.

I'm wounded, but I am alive.
I see it although I still hide,
Under the shield,
A perfect game,
The sun, the rain,
They're all the same,
No light comes in,
And storms stay outside,
But I am here to live,
And I have to decide,
Can I let the illusion go,
Am I ready to meet with my soul,
Am I ready to show the world,
Who I am and who I'm actually not?

Truly, I didn't even know,
I held this shield through it all,
I just saw it in my hand and realized,
I am not as much a hero, as I fantasized.

In fact I feel really hurt and blind,
For the waking up is cutting within
At the same time I realize,
It is time to let life and light in.

It is a very small, though heavy step to make.
I am still shaking insecurely, I have fears.
I need more courage now,
Than I ever had,
And I'm glad, that now I understand that.

Of course I wonder
Of course I care
It's coming, soon,
Like in a different life,
It's either a date
Nor a simple encounter,
It doesn't fit into my last months strife.

I do prepare for a breakthrough,
I do prepare for a heartbreak too.
But I prefer to have it that way finally.
Better than fleeing from love endlessly.

I do need love in my life,
I do deserve the heat of touch,
I do deserve the butterflies,
The ups and downs,
The stress, the rush,
The anxious worries,
The dramatic stories,
The fear, the pain,
And the occasional gain,
The tears of luck,
The tears of disdain,
I could do this again and again.

Because I do choose my way,
I'll be ignoring, what they have to say.
There's nothing to lose after all, anyway.

And once you let me go,
I set my love for you... free.
There are no boundaries for love
In my life, and for me.

So that's my goal,
I'm gonna haunt the truth,
After all it's only this one life,
And how often do we love
Like this?

I'm gonna testify my love to you,
I feel so horrified, and so don't you.
You don't even know what I went through.
After two years thinking about you.

I tried to love someone but you.
But I never felt the same again as for you.
So I decided to set you finally free,
I need you to know about me.

I need to tell you, I loved you.
I don't even know, if I still do.
I have not seen you for a long while,
And I almost forgot how you smile.

But tomorrow is the day and I will know,
If I still do love you like long ago.
Anyway I wanna tell you that I did.
I just need you to know about it.

Well, the plan is insecure, I agree.
But it's something I decided for me.
If not in this life, when can I tell,
Someone I loved for real, what I feel.

I tried to figure out the words,
I'm gonna use.
If we are honest,
I don't have as much to lose.
I'm gonna take a joker and tell you,
"I fell in love with you, when I met you".

I am so excited about your reaction,
I can't wait for it, honestly.
Although simultaneously I am,
So afraid, that I can barely breath.

I hope I can finally say it,
And of course, I might surprise you a lot.
I mean, if we're honest, we're not close.
And not close enough for that matter at all.

Somehow I am happy though that you live
In a different city than me,
Although there's a distance between us,
It will be possible to flee.

I don't know what to expect. Honestly.
There are too many unknowns in the equation.
But I chose truth for once and we'll see,
How I'll manage to testify to thee.

Expectations, expectations,
Can I drop you for a while?
I don't mean it bad or vicious,
I just need a relaxed mind.

I don't really need your pressure,
Since it holds me back a lot,
Can I please enjoy this moment?
Cause it's everything I got!

No way, no face to look at,
No touch to dive into,
No taste of sweetness,
No electrifying feelings.

No time to give to,
No one to give the time to either.
No tension, despite of illusions.
No hope, only dellusions.

Happy thoughts aren't stable, no more.
Just impulsive, in circles they go.
Chased by fear, just like every emotion,
Drowning in the cold deep ocean...

Of Loneliness, Searching and Hoping,
But senseless,
The belief is gone.
I held onto it, for too long.

The focus now is on what matters.
But isn't what should matter - love?
It's complicated. Self-love is the basis.
Is it? My way is lost and I am standing here.
Wondering.
Love drips down from my fingertips,
A few more seconds and I let it slip.

A mysterious coincidence,
I love mystery, it's exciting,
Could it be a new romance?
Because romantic atmosphere is igniting.

I am thinking of you and your glances,
Shining brightly across the room,
But I still don't know the colour of your eyes,
From a distance I was watching you...

'Look at me', I thought, and there you did.
And you spoke to me right across the room,
You spoke of the day when we will meet,
For a movie and - I hope - a date.

You said, that you hadn't forgotten,
No way, of course you had not,
Don't worry that day you will see me,
From much less far, than so far.

I was a bit nervous, I admit,
But maybe you were nervous too,
I looked at your forearms, uncovered,
to see if I spot a **** tattoo...
or maybe even two.

But no, at least not on your forearms
And maybe you're not the person for that.
I am keen on getting to know you,
I am not gonna regret that we met.

So all my reveries keep on dancing,
Around me, my soul and my head,
Your eyes' spark from a distance,
The warmth that I couldn't forget.

I am pretty sure that you like me,
And for now that is all I want.
I am happy that I can tell you more,
Once we meet, only the two of us, for sure.

Is it true?
Or am I fooling,
Is it real,
Or am I lost?
Am I insecure and lonely?
Is it that what has caused,
Lovely feelings and hopes,
Expectations and dreams,
After all these months,
Is it really still real?

Can't barely catch a thought
That's pure and clear,
It's all a mixture of speculations,
I've always loved it, and I do love still,
The magic and the power of imagination.
I am an artist in projecting,
I see the little signs in every tree,
I am a hopeless romantic for arts,
I am a desperate creator in need.
Just give me one bit hope,
And I'll make history...!

Just a wink of love,
And I'm there,
Just one lovely look,
And I care,
And I present the generations,
A basket full of dreams and passions!

Go try and catch'em,
For they're free,
They're my ideas,
But have history,
They did exist before,
On paper and on more,

This time they came to me!!!!
They've outgrown me,
Now they will come to you,
If you are ready, too!

I know what's going on.
Oh now I see.
My heart's been warning me,
I kept ignoring thee.

Denial as in all the songs,
And in its stronger version,
Put it on myself.
I put it on, how you hurt me,
To keep moving on,
All proud, no doubt.

Pretending nothing happened,
I told lies, to me, to you,
I barely am ready
To see the truth.

Now however it's unleashed,
And it's gonna hurt
Just like it's supposed
Way back then,
When you hurt me.
You started to ignore me
And how dare you,
I ignored you too!

It was my only way,
It's been.
I am accepting it,
I will, I will..!
I know that I was fooling well
Myself, my friends, my mind.
But my heart always said no,
When I lied.

When I denied,
That in truth,
I didn't want to let go easily.
I didn't want you to ignore me suddenly.
I was hit cold blooded by your coolness,
I was left, scattered, shattered,
With a broken chest.

And alone I sat there, all alone.
But I tried to take care of my own,
So instead of looking down on me,
I pretended my heart to be complete,
And to leave, my head higher than your actions could reach me.

I denied that in truth I loved you,
I denied my emotions to you,
Because you weren't tied too close to me.
You wanted to keep things just casually.

I gotta do something against
The pressure I am putting on myself
I can't bear this weight on my chest
I need to break free and to rest.

Outside
Of all
Them
Senseless
EXPECTATIONS

I am just asking to ask,
To get an answer from you,
I am just looking, to look,
To have you look at me, too.
I am so careful, I am,
******, I am just too shy.
I am afraid to risk it,
And show the interest I deny.

I am just searching for someone
To fall in love with
Because it is that feeling
That I miss.

To lose yourself
Is scary

As not to know
The way

You see a million directions
And you're afraid to choose

You're overanalyzing
Lose touch to any feeling

You're transparent like a ghost
There's no sense in your existence

You see no sense at all.

Like a trombone
The sound of pain in mind
Your brain gets hurt
You're stuck

Can barely breath
Why breath at all?
If you're a ghost

You're scaring, hurting others.
What a shame.

Who will be ever able to love you?
It mustnt be true, it must be a game.

A seed planted,
Turned around,
Hope.
A look planted,
Turned around,
Hope.
A smile more,
Turned around,
Hope.
Another look, longer,
Turned around,
I hope I touched your soul.

He is trying hard
He could just give up
But no, he stays strong,
He keeps moving on.

And there in the deep
That is pretty **** steep
He is vulnerable and shy
He is insecure - like I.

I am not gonna write how it is
to lose. A friend. Again
It's the physical closeness
That we miss
I miss to hold your hand.

I am not gonna write how sad
I felt, when I said goodbye.
Because these thoughts and feelings are able
to make me emotional and cry.

I am not gonna describe
How I lost something together with you
As if I was separated in two
And you took one part of myself with you.



... and still I do.

Done blaming myself
Want to give myself love
That I deserve

Been fake
And treating badly myself
For far too long

Done being harsh with myself
I wanna grow
Although accepting myself
For who I am

I see the light in my eyes
I just woke up
Now I again recognize
My love and soul

I wanna give me the strength
I'm gonna need
I will be there for myself
From now on
Again

I won't be afraid
Of losing myself
Because
I'm here

I stop crusading myself,
I am still here

I see the light
In my eyes
It makes believe
I see the sun
And the moon
And I can breath

<3

Forgot how to poem
Forgot how to rhyme
Tryin to find ways
To express myself

My void on the inside
Doesn't leave me much
I can't really say how I feel
Can't really reach it or touch

Got some physical pain
Cause the body knows
When the emptiness within me
Grows and my soul hurts

All this vacuum is there for me to hide
What I feel so bad about and what I mind

I don't see it all but it is there
It's invisible but I am tryin to share

Afraid to fall in love
And to fall out again.

Afraid to move forward,
To fall down in the end.

Afraid to feel,
To finally get hurt.

Afraid to steal
And not give back your heart.

Afraid to find myself
Then lose it straight again.

Afraid to let love happen
Before it all began.

If you and me were on a road trip to somewhere only we know.
Everything would be different.
If you and me had time to get away … into the nature.
If you and me had time to get away
We would, believe me, I would want it badly.
I'd love to show you places,
And to go places with you.
No need for other people, maybe apart from gas stations' salesmen.
Only us and the beautiful nature,
No social boundaries … just life.
Because you are just a person. And I am a person, too.
You have just the same needs, feelings, thoughts.
You have a soul that tries to understand.

Your smile is just as warm as a sun’s ray can be.
You saw enough of lies, of dark and scary forest paths.
You’ve been through this, you lost yourself.
You found the light to get out of the madness.
Still social boundaries were haunting you.
Tying you up and forcing you to ground.

You’re learning and that is beautiful to see.
How you adopt, you build up and progress.
You learned to step out for yourself
To stand strong, to survive the hell.

Sometimes you can’t believe what you’ve been through.
Sometimes you want to run away and to forget.
But life is here and now,
You need to stick to what is there. Right now.

Believe me, watching stars and riding horses.
Going to swim in clear blue waters,
Diving into the ocean… of love.
But I don’t know if that would be enough.

You can be anyone. You know that, right?
Nothing is given for or to us by our birth but life.

Belief is all that counts. You can become whatever you believe into.
Sometimes… and almost always… the societies are blind.
Listen to your own self and ignore what anyone expects.
Be and enjoy life for yourself.
You deserve this my darling, please believe.

…..
Let’s pretend we’re chasing stars with our glances,
But in souls we’re calm as this word could ever be.
Let’s imagine we can get away
And leave the society to live free.

Love
Four letters.
Attitude?

A feeling
That matters.
A feeling for you

I love.
What does it mean?
Is it really enough
The way I feel
To call it love?

the symbol - heart
Yes, sometimes
It does hurt
But how deep
Does it have to be?
To be called love,
Or in love desperately?

I know, I don't know enough about love.
But I know I haven't had enough
Of times with you,
Your attitude,
Your hugs, your spirit
Life with you
It showed me something new
Something that matters
And something that's true

Everytime I meet someone new
Who is cute, with interesting attitude
I get to choose -
If to save the contact or to lose...
I am starting to imagine me
Being in love desperately
Having settled a romance suddenly
Being able to become a couple

I don't know if I am starting too early
But I know for sure, he does too
Because I don't think I ever have to worry
About me having this attitude
My friend once said:
It's good to keep the naivety
Instead of learning from failures negativity.
I guess I'm gonna follow the advice
And I'm not gonna rethink it twice
Sometimes
You gotta live and let it happen
Sometimes
This is the way it should be done
It is so often here and now or never
So take this moment, do what feels right
And what makes fun.
This way you're gonna gain experiences
All of a sudden you become enriched
I am not trying to teach you a lesson
Your life is the one who is gonna teach :)

Precious time
Great ideas
I am using these

I don't want
To lose them
Make them useless

Automatically
Planning out
Creativity
Is the ground

No illusions
Can be found
No strategic
Or deep wounds

Truth is happiness
With no fear
And creations are
Its best friends

Beautiful
Nice to hear
This is how this short poem
Ends