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Jan 2016 · 906
Failures
Pax Jan 2016
I'm so fond with my failures
that I tend to forget
the little good
things I
achieved.
So
its time to
stop loving them
and let go
...
.

a reminder,
a quote
...


https://www.instagram.com/p/5HSBQjLpSU/?taken-by=willyampax
Jan 2016 · 2.2k
~I deserved to live~
Pax Jan 2016

I am life
Unwanted, Unplanned, Unexpected
Or perhaps
a failed expectation.

There are many major reason
to
Why oh Why
I was a mistake

But there is one important reason why I needed to be born?

“I deserved to live”

What is so wrong for me to have what you have?
To breathe what you breathe
To eat what you eat
To experience
life itself.

You may not care for me, but I am sure someone would.

I anticipate the future what is like to live
what is like to have my own choice
now a little too late.

You know maybe someday
There will come a time that mankind
will lose the ability to reproduce,
the signs is already there
you just don’t see it.

Often times man create its own demise.

I wish you just have let me live and then give me away,
That I would understand.

I wish I could be a test-tube baby
Perhaps that I would have a chance
Of entering this god given world.

All are too late now.

I am sheer whisper,
A pleading spirit who wants to be heard
I came out of nothing penned down
in someone’s emptied mind
written in this emptied paper he holds so dear.

I am nothing but just a smeared ink
in this white sheet
laying around
waiting to be understood.

I was uncertain weather to post it here or not, but Mother Teresa's speech on receiving the novel peace prize brought some tears to why I did wrote this.
my reasoning:
In conclusion to all of this stuff, I write not to open an issue, but to let the young ones and others to be aware of this issue. Life is a gift, and everyone deserves it.
the link below is the first post and all of my thoughts in the subject matter:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1246156/
Jan 2016 · 860
Heavy Heart #1
Pax Jan 2016
Which is heavier, my body or this heart of mine?

The quantity of the heart is much harder to reassure.
Life is full of assumptions and depressing pressures.
Undecided but I’m riding the ocean waves.
Instinct is my driven force, wanting to be brave.

I walk in a road where the path has a dead glow.
I kiss the shadow of nothing, to endure - I stay low.
Obedient as I am, the ocean is my starting point, down below
       to where I creep and swim in slow-mo.

My feet had grown cold doing what he has been told.
The needy feeling had gone old.

I open my heart to go bold.
Just another piece of my life unfolds.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1266662/

a friend of mine once said: world will forever indifferent to us, but we always have a choice : be passive to social realities or make an act and define own meaning to help create a better world.

I'm feeling depressed more, that's why i posted this, it reflected on how heavy my heart as of the moment.
Jan 2016 · 1.1k
SOMETIMES
Pax Jan 2016

how does one word
hurt much?

Do you even need help
in carrying
the load,
the burden you
kept,
and the life
you're trying to
bury?

SOMETIMES answering one question
is just asking too much...

Pax Jan 2016
.
.
.
*I cry alone
Because that’s how I stay strong,

I cry alone,
Because that’s how I protect myself

I cry alone,
Because that’s how I stay ahead
of the game the next day.

I suffer my own struggle alone
And you wouldn’t why

I’m hurting inside
And you wouldn’t know why

I isolate myself
And you wouldn’t know why

I’m lonely
And still you wouldn’t know why.


just needed to get this out of my system.

thank you for reading,
with that its all enough...
Jan 2016 · 2.1k
the passerby
Pax Jan 2016
along with my useful lively self
i stroll the path of faceless crowds
they might not know me
I might not know them
but I'm glad as I watch
them do their story
and I on a steady phase
create the background
of my life,
the passerby...

a bit raw



i guess this will be the second part of my poem passerby.
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1023562/passerby/

thank you for reading me...
Jan 2016 · 1.4k
qoute 1.2.5.1
Pax Jan 2016
don't have to say anything,
there is no right time
for
it.

You'll know
when
it
feels
right.
Jan 2016 · 4.4k
6w
Pax Jan 2016
6w
there's truth in your
beautiful
lie.

there's a story
in few
w
o
r
d
s.


six word story.
#6w
Jan 2016 · 1.7k
loner
Pax Jan 2016
i'M an empty shell
who pretends to be

**alive.
being me, is not easy, being a loner is hard, its not as easy as you can open up to anyone.
Jan 2016 · 744
lost soul
Pax Jan 2016
In my journey
       there was you.
the unknowable item
    or the unforeseen someone.

I've always knew you were there.
watching, listening in the far corner.

You're the darkness I tried to lighten up.
No matter how much I tried to fuel up
I came out, almost dried up.

You needed help,
I needed help,
we are both, lost soul.


raw

a little light will be okay...
Jan 2016 · 809
unrequited love
Pax Jan 2016
Loving you from afar
watching you happy
are all enough for me.

a quote
Dec 2015 · 877
Empty Canvas ~
Pax Dec 2015
As empty as it gets,
I stare and feel the color embrace me.
The abstract feelings that wanted to
come out yet still trapped within me.

I stare on the blank canvas,
Feeling the courage fading,
Losing my mind into vivid colors
      -   Just in thoughts…
Not being able to express them
Is just like making myself aware
that I have no talent in what so ever…

Did I lose my confidence that seeks?
Did I lose the passion that burns?
Did I lose my heart that shines?

Perhaps the cloud of doubt
    blurs many things…

Perhaps the road of uncertainties
    confuses many decisions…

Perhaps the water of creation
    is running dry…

I am losing myself,
     almost giving-up into death’s hands…

Yet…

I won’t give up,
Mastering the strength of what’s left
To find the muse of life
To keep me going a lifetime…

I owe the inspiration of this piece to this photo:
I can't paint by aartishinde in deviantart


It is what I feel when I can't be creative, there is this urge to create within me or within us all. I think every artist knows that. It's been long, I haven't drawn or paint, I guess i really missed that.
----

Its a old piece, just wanted to share to you all, share the feeling when you thought your running dry on inspiration. Please don't give up your dream.
Dec 2015 · 1.7k
safe choice
Pax Dec 2015
I was the second choice and the safe bet
never your first.
this applies to life or love.
a quote.
a shout-out.

a sudden sigh.
Dec 2015 · 1.5k
labels
Pax Dec 2015
Sometimes,
you don't need any labels
to do what you love.
this was a comment back then as i read a particular piece here in HP, I've save it as a quote to share to everyone.
a quote, a reminder, a shout-out.
Dec 2015 · 5.2k
over-thinking
Pax Dec 2015
sometimes you have to stop imagining
and just do it!
10w
.
.
.
quote
Sometimes I need to be reminded about this. We tend to over-think, over analyze, over justified on something we got to do, one major hindrance in most of our choices are doubts the breeds our fears.
Dec 2015 · 5.8k
hug me
Pax Dec 2015
hug me,
so that I'll stop
hurting myself.

hug me,
so that I'll live
another great day.

hug me,
so that I'll stop
being so stubborn.

hug me,
so that I'll be all
warm-up in the holidays.

hug me,
so that I'll stop being
so lonely inside-out.

just hug me,
so I can stay happy...

Dec 2015 · 1.2k
where were you?
Pax Dec 2015
When I was so confused on what to do,
where were you?

When I was so **** broken,
where were you?

When I was so sad,
where were you?

I guess I was so **** independent
that you didn't see
I needed someone for me
who will say,
you'll be okay,
it will be fine,
life is just built that way
for you to learn
and adapt.
Well, good news,
i learn it that way...
So I was okay.
I grow up good
and well adapted...

Now that I've think about it,
nobody has really gone deeper
to my "I'm okay, I'm good.".
No one bothers really,
they take my silences
as fine I guess...

big sigh...


I wish I could say this to my family, that I'm struggling despite my happy persona. But really I could not tell them, I don't want them to worry.
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
the ghost
Pax Dec 2015
It was not me, who put you into the dark
It was not me, who put too much hate upon himself
It was not me, who made you so imperfect
          Who choose this life for us?
                   It was you,
                             I am only a shadow in every decision.
The weak link, the forgotten will
of one’s owned heart, truly remains in the corner…
.
.
.
*Simply the ghost, who whispers in total silence.
my road is still dark....
Dec 2015 · 3.4k
Contentment’s path
Pax Dec 2015
The fringes of fate frozen my fingers upon reaching you

………But destiny’s hands are within my grasp…

Then I used my mind’s free will to take hold of it and reach you

Together I’ve achieved fulfilling joy with you at my side

.....…towards a journey to Contentment’s path…

September 25, 2012
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1042743/
This was one of those poems that I am happy to say, I didn't write a sad poem today. That's what I say last time, been very busy as of lately...
Dec 2015 · 1.7k
-words-
Pax Dec 2015
Words inspire, Words transpire
They are the writer’s creation
a peak of the writer’s soul

A positive release
Or
A negative outcome

Dull words into creative thinking
Sparkles of wellness
Pure and Raw emotions collide
Reflections of what we imagine
Beginners and new beginning
Flows in a dynamic determination
Empowering its readers
Curious to meaningful insight
Playful art of thoughts
For me
For you
For everyone
To
Enjoy
a 3 year old poem of mine, inspired on how words create art.
Nov 2015 · 2.8k
you're not there
Pax Nov 2015

In another time,
will you still love me?

In another place,
will you still meet me?

In a fleeting moment,
will our stars meet?

I guess I should give up,
knowing you're not there...

but then I'll better wait,
Patience is all I have left...
Nov 2015 · 694
stung
Pax Nov 2015
There are times stillness hums
sometimes, boredom sung.
The longing it create, stung.
“Writing, at its best, is a lonely life.” by Ernest Hemingway
Nov 2015 · 1.5k
-cage-
Pax Nov 2015
I’m trapped; caged in, hard to get out
words flies, as truth denies
Shame!

Crows flocks in hunger
eating little by little of what you served
Overworked!

Shying away, evasive in many means
caffeinated poison
keeps me
**Awake!
OBSCURE words, Hides many things..........
Pax Nov 2015
Sometimes,
*my Life has no direction
Choices was laid down for me
whatever what makes them happy...

It has meaning but has no sense of path
It flows like the river
it never stop...

my life feels stagnant
stuck with a slow progress
seems too redundant...

my life has rooted its fears, it *****
no matter how you cut, it grows back
roots rooted to the very core, I'm stuck....

Sometimes, I am not sure I am good enough.
Nov 2015 · 5.2k
Life quote 1.1 (10w)
Pax Nov 2015
My life is not Comparable but Relatable in some situations.
I have been making quote since I start WC/HP and since I learned how to write my own thoughts with conviction and be aware of my experience to be relatable to others. And remember in my quote, I don’t always fallow it, I can be stubborn at times but it is always be a reminder for me and be able to stand to what I believed in.

This quote sprang to mind when I arrived at the camp thinking at the insecurities & envy life has shown me or us… and felt as well. This quote is quite universal in thought but I want to share mine when this quote sprang to mind…  

1. We are equally unique in one way or another. But in some cases life repeats some reasonable karmas of the past making some situations relatable. Or some situations match the other but that doesn’t mean for us to follow the same path as the other.. We have our own choice, our own will to do what we wanted to do.

2. In life we always compare things and situation… and it never gets old… then that’s the time envy comes and let you feel the insecurities stick to your skin like glue.  My guess is that, this two negative nature will always be a part of us... It only matters on how we know which is too much or how you weight it to do good and away from harming others.

3. “Be thankful of what you have”, it goes beyond, it also keeps you grounded and be appreciative of the things you already had/have. When you do, you’ll see it is not worth comparing your life to others, you’ll see the importance of one’s owned.

4. (Comparable) and (Relatable) are two different sets of thoughts and feelings, atleast for me it is…  When you start to Compare, you’ll see it as a race for who’s better and who’s not. While when you Relate, you’ll just see it better to just contemplate and learn something, you become sensitive to once was and able to avoid a repeat process. I guess it really depends on how you used these words. The world is full of misunderstanding, we need to be considerate & listen more in many aspects our daily human interactions and emotions.

Last thoughts: “You can relate with my Life, but never compare mine from yours. We in Live two different lifetimes.”
Nov 2015 · 3.2k
happy mask
Pax Nov 2015
I tried to stop being depress,
and start making friends.
But then…
I build too many walls,
Just to hide my flaws
always fearing they’ll crumble.
And...
In the end I can’t stop my thoughts
when I’m alone, reoccurring questions it sought.
Burdens comes falling,
Rushing like the tide, washing
pushing away
the happy mask
I wore.
I haven't been writing much as of late. Maybe because like the first two lines said. Yes, I did make some friends and bond with them. It's great being able to joke around and laugh here and there... But I know deep down I still built too many walls, they can't see what's there, Perhaps I am too good in wearing this mask, that some people didn't see what's lurking behind it.
Oct 2015 · 2.7k
Secrets
Pax Oct 2015
When you have lots of secrets
to lie comes easy.
a quote, 10 words
.
.
.
.
I guess to lie is all you do best at the moment.
Oct 2015 · 1.5k
Heart isn't Alone
Pax Oct 2015

Heart is blind without the mind to imagine
Yet the Heart is alive and it beats that speaks our soul
Heart does not function alone
But it's the Center of it all.

Our mind unites the five senses
---------------------------------------------------------­---------
The mind process what it hears
The mind creates what it sees
The mind evaluates what it smells
The mind appraises what it tastes
The mind senses whatever the body touches
The mind is only a machine without its core.
----------------------------------------------------------­---------
Heart and Mind connect
Because it's the most important to protect
It's a bond that is part of us ever since we were born
-----------------------------------------------------------­--------
                                                    It beats our fear
                                                     It beats our pain
                                                     It beats our sorrow
Our heart is our soul                    It beats our excitement
Where emotions are stored          It beats our pleasure
                                                     It beats our passion
                                                     It beats our love
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------
It speaks in silence
The mind only speaks what the heart tells
They communicate with a language that is unknown

The mind is neither good nor evil
But the heart is capable of being good or evil
The heart is capable of anything that speaks our nature
Even if your heart is dark as the darkest night
Another heart will give flame to start a light
A flame that will serve as light in your darkest night
This is how I perceived the mind and heart on how they work.

see the link below on how was it inspired.
http://willyampax.deviantart.com/art/Heart-isn-t-Alone-296733115

thank you so much for reading.
Oct 2015 · 1.4k
reliever
Pax Oct 2015
I feel like crying
some few tears will do
to wash away the dark
cloud I harbor
At my back.

sometimes I needed this, to be able to stay strong and stay on track through life. I remember last year, how I cried out my life's worries, now seems like its field up somehow. Its good to cry you know, I cry it out, alone in my quarters. I don't mind as long as it relieves me afterwards, then I am okay.
Oct 2015 · 2.5k
i miss some chances
Pax Oct 2015

I took a pass on how risky love was,
and take the easy road
that was laid upon me...

Then I realize
i miss some chances
on happiness
just to
shape-up a future
that will always be uncertain...

Sometimes I think I made the wrong choices, just to made myself better, ready and stable to someone, only to end up being afraid to love someone, afraid that I might not be good enough, afraid if someone see my flaws they will just leave me heartbroken. Now I am just used to being alone, not wanting to take charge on love, thinking that it is not really meant for me, or nobody would...
Sep 2015 · 1.9k
The Game of Silence
Pax Sep 2015
I played the game, alone.
I talk to the air,
Imagining a friend who isn’t there.
My brain’s dual thinking.

- Checkmate -

Personification in strike
Persona’s colliding stake

- Stalemate -

Hello there my stuffed friend
Looks like we are a matched.
We’re Latched,
Encased in the four corners of our walls.
You know I feel restless looking at your frozen face.
Playing with stillness is a hollowed void.
Engross with my ever changing fantasy.
Choosing to ignore reality.
A sad case of my mortality.

- Workmate -

Music patched the necessary unattached realm.
Stories powered the desires to dream the unchallenged dream.
Life is a walking daydream.

- Lostmate -

There are those would think I am coward
And then I box myself not to move forward.
I fear what lurks behind someone’s soul,
Fearing I am not worthy of my own coal.
A charade of personas, hiding.
Tilting the crowd as if I am never there, post acting.

- Soulmate -

Believing you are near,
somewhere far behind that unseen chamber door.

- Castmate -

Sometimes I am just tired of this game.
Whispers of the wind, believing I am tamed.
Sometimes all I need is a real friend
That will hug-out the negative trend
For me to transcend
To the realistic perspective
Waking the sleeping life’s motive.
7 poems in one
" - would there be someone that will say I am still worthy... " That's what i said when i wrote this awhile back....
Sep 2015 · 12.8k
ashen fields
Pax Sep 2015

I sit alone as if I am fading
Invisible in the ashen fields.
My heart longs to be somewhere
to where I see myself
Clear as the new day
True to oneself’s beauty
Away from the toxicity of people’s opinion
Or as far away from my own shadow of doubt.

I sit alone & not running anymore.
Losing strength as the wind passes by
Losing a bit of my edge in this unreasonable persona, I face.
Yet I never give a **** as long as I kept on going
Reaching for something Unreachable,
I can only hope…

I want to feel the life of someone’s at arm’s reach
to feel that I am alive
I missed you.

this feels like a follow-up on my 'ashen gray' piece:
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/298918/ashen-gray/
though it is much more in a different road,
a road that i am longing to have..
Sep 2015 · 1.0k
wings
Pax Sep 2015
I give wings to my words
so that it will fly
free from the chains that binds it.

Give it life and beauty
so that it will flourish
despite its darker past.

Then put it out there
somewhere along
     the sea of people
  showing
    *the imperfections
           of my life...
Aug 2015 · 1.9k
Seeds
Pax Aug 2015
I planted my seeds
And for three years it’s still a sprout
Struggling in a harsh environment.

Many have flourished
Around it,
mine was left behind
with its slow progress...
This is how I describe myself. How far I've grown as a functional person within  society's & my humanity's needs.

sorry for not being around much, Right now I am on my vacation time back here in the Philippines. So I'll be back in just few more weeks to go of my vacation time left... Be back in September...
Jul 2015 · 4.5k
perv (10W)
Pax Jul 2015

prying eyes, leaking imaginations
urges moves forward,
awaiting opportunity,
shameless.

I am extremely afraid and anxious to post this piece because its quite a personal experience.

Due to my hippie long hair and rounded ****, I've been sexually harass... but not to the extreme because I always manages to escape. I admit, through my 3 years here, I've been approach by a few indecent proposal, and I always manages to say no AND ESCAPE. But this recent one is a bit extreme, because I have to run to avoid this person. its just that we work in the same place, and sometimes he manages to corner me in the bathroom. Thank God, to people coming in and out of the bathroom. i HATE IT WHEN HE MANAGE to touch me.   I hate ****** harassment but there are just some people are really shameless.

It taken me a lot of courage to put this up. And yes, it is applicable to men. specially weak men like me. Why can't some people understand a simple no or a multiple nos.... please don't judge me, I never really talk about this kind of stuff, I just want to spit it out and forget about it.
Jun 2015 · 2.1k
fortunate
Pax Jun 2015
I stop counting my blessing
And start just being thankful
Of each passing day.

I may not be lucky in love
Or blessed with good things
Or great looks LIFE has to offer
But I am fortunate enough to live this LIFE
As good as I wanted it to be.
.A QUOTE.
We are still fortunate. Just me, being optimistic about my life, a start of my new aging life, another year of living a new age. Be thankful.
Jun 2015 · 1.0k
a feeling of being alive
Pax Jun 2015

Blending in and pretending to be someone
It's been my life for years
I'm just a killing machine for hire
Running and hiding seems to be the right thing to do
It was a failed tasked yet I felt relieved
That will be my last task
To start a new life will be hard
A lot of people now are looking for me
Especially my boss that I must avoid at all cost
Why must I leave it unfinished?
Why must I feel this unknown feeling towards my target?
Why does it have to be you?
It's the first time I felt alive, that I'm not just a machine anymore
Like everything and everyone matters
To you I'm just a human being looking for someone to love and care for

My enemies have come
I'll do my best to stay alive for one day I will see you again
Hoping that you'll be well and happy in your own life

Now I just wanted to share this again as birthday celebration piece,Yup, today is my Birthday, this piece has made an impact to me because it is special to me, this came from a dream of mine, it was vague but still i manage to put it up into a piece. And somehow even in my dreams I wanted to feel alive. Another that made this so special is that it was chosen as Founder’s Choice audio readings
listen here:
http://deviantliterature.tumblr.com/post/17950240130/a-feeling-of-being-alive-by-willyampax-read
"he narrates it with such emotions the way i wrote it."
Jun 2015 · 2.0k
the art of poetry
Pax Jun 2015

To the world,
I share my words.
Expressed in verses
through Rhymes & Rhythm
It bleeds my life
as I unload my burdens.

I thank those who understand,
who cares to read
and relate
to the art of expressing
Yourself.

this is a little thank you note to all my friends who reads my scribbles.
Jun 2015 · 5.4k
Lie
Pax Jun 2015
Lie
Every time I lie,
I break a piece of myself.
10w

I dunno the real reason
why I haven't post this,
perhaps it spoke too much
in such few words.
Jun 2015 · 1.7k
The day I stop dreaming ~
Pax Jun 2015
The day I stop dreaming
     is when I started my progress…

I never really understood to why, oh why
do we have to start a living?

In the city of progress, I became the mindless puppet
Of what we call ‘the clichés of society’
FOR NOW - I’m totally blind in all five senses
    to where my love should be place in…

From a specific today, I am robbed for my silence
Totally alone never wanted nor even needed
Conceivably A misplaced person in a ‘crazy world’
- or it is just me who thinks this way.

Sometimes I would think no one would ever really captured
                          - ‘the essence of my heart’
Or probably it was just me, who never did take noticed.
Guessing I am too
  - Perverse to feel anything within the walls of my five senses.

Despite everything else, I understood how Society lives by.
The imaginable ways it burdens and pleasure in
–> Giving –> Receiving –> Showing –> US
                                                         how life works with their walls.

I could never blame how our world becomes a harsh place,
Yet I could took the blame on US
   or our humanity is too faulty consecutively.
Too many Securities from any Insecurities.
Walls upon Wall of their Owning Glory,
      Almost nothing is free.

So I stand chained from cultural responsibilities,
for we were made to think this way.

Ashamed of what I discovered
So I hide in the covers of my pen
To write, just write,
A Written voice for the fallen..

A friend told me “I think life ends when a man stops from breathing and also when he stops from dreaming. What will keep us moving if we no longer have holds to aspirations, to hope...”

Then my friend, Kalypso answered a big part of it in her review on what I am talking about in this piece, she said: “being a dreamer for so long, having to pull my head and heart out of the clouds and start the mundane process every day, over and over again, would bring me into this realm of thinking. Wondering why we do ...what we do? What is the purpose of working just to pay bills and survive, but barely live? Feeling like I disappeared in the process of becoming an adult and taking on responsibilities. Having no time to explore the world. To ponder the mysteries of life...or capture the beauty of everything around us. How the monotony takes away your creativity and individualism, blends you into society, almost making you invisible.”

Then Rachelle’s questions arise saying: “Do we grumble? Do fall into a deeper pit of despair or do we try to figure out how to transform our reality such that the world is exciting and challenging again?”

With all those thoughts arises from my poem, I came to understand that despite I stop dreaming big, I still hold on to the little hope and a hint faith I have on myself that someday, in some way a dream could rise again from the burned pages of my bucket list.

I am thankful that I have find/found friends in my writings.
So I appreciate everyone who reads me, greatly....

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1336541/
Jun 2015 · 2.3k
strong enough
Pax Jun 2015

I’m strong enough not to let you see me fall apart
So I hide my cries between my sighs.

I’m strong enough to stand alone against the cold landscape
So I hide my sadness between fake faces.

I crave, I starve, I wonder
And get lost in the process.
Then end up getting back to where I started.

How far will I stay strong?
How far will I carry along this dying song?
When will I ever belong?
......

..
.

I always talk on how poetry is an embark journey of mine. But more often I came back with recurring questions. I can say “I’m strong enough” but for how long, how far long will I go, or how much more I can take… big sighs…
May 2015 · 2.2k
landmines
Pax May 2015

In poetry I unload to explode
To break free from all the dynamite
I usually kept hidden
My passive nature makes me resistant
to its pollutants.
Sometimes they’re more like landmines
Awaiting for someone
Who stomp the wrong buttons
Then detonate
And explode between my shouts
And cries.

In all honestly
No matter how resistant I am to become resilient
my core is too vulnerable to crumble
By a simple backslash of toxic tongues
And suddenly I fall in my knees to simply walk away
No battle is worth an effort
When you know it’s just pride
Battling himself.

The poem speaks for itself, but I just want to confirm yes, I tend to bottled-up my feelings. That is why sometimes I easily get depressed. I don’t speak-out a lot or just careful not to hurt anyone with my words. So in poetry I rant almost everything so that it will not eat me into depression.

Its hurts me when I look back, to those people who say mean things to me that I simply ignore because it’s not worthy to argue anymore, they tend to get stuck on their own opinion, too closed to have an open mind.
May 2015 · 2.1k
You & I
Pax May 2015
Would it be okay if I say, I’ve had enough of your presence in my life?
You’re too much of everything I hate
of all the things, you annoy me.
I wish you were gone and would fade away like you never existed.
But still you were there reminding me
of all the wrong things,
The bad memories,
The irritating personalities,
                   The foolish behaviors,
                                   The selfish self,
                                            and lastly
                                   The sad and gloomy
                                          State of mind.

I did something to hide you,
I can simply toss you aside,
Put a mask on your face,
        Do a charade
              Making you aware that you don’t exist,
              and a complete cover-up of make belief.
I’ve done everything possible I can to coat or erase your every existence
But then I realized you’re a part of me
That can never be erased
A reflection of me
The reality of me
You can never be without me   and    I can never be without you
because
all in all
you’re
me
.
"i wrote this when i was really down with myself
i always blame myself."

- that's what i said way back when I wrote this last July 2012. Now I've grown to understand myself better, accepting the things that I needed to embrace and just live the way I wanted without hate in my system. Yes, I guess the hate is still there, it doesn't fade easily, we always have our insecurity, sometimes it helps us stay grounded on our feet, but most of the time it hinders us in doing something good for us. I am glad that I found comfort, creativity, acceptance & understanding in poetry without it, I'll be exploding in every path I take...  Thank you for reading my friends.
May 2015 · 1.5k
I ate my own hate
Pax May 2015
How I lie and break, broken till to the very tip of my bone
I dislike how I ate my own hate, swallowed till it reaches the gate
How the voices preach to breach the barriers of the untouched soul
Purity bleach the acidic preaches of ones owned,
rinsing the putrid echoes of THE hateful stone.

Innocence remains unreached; it’s a battle of everyday presence.
My pure essence survives the life’s impermanence.

Winning and Losing stands in equilibrium.
Life is not as tasty as the sweet brew.
no matter how much you hate yourself, never let the hate reach you heart and destroy you....
May 2015 · 1.8k
untitled
Pax May 2015

I have stopped looking at the clouds
and start staring at cornered walls that surrounds me.

The clear skies that I would dream, wondering the complexities of its heights…

I often believed that the sky would make my dreams come true,
but in reality, all it takes to journey your dream is creating a stepping stone.
You can’t achieve anything without making any step.

I always like to jump into conclusion, fear of failure.
In this case, it hinders the optimism values we always have.

Diving into your deepest thoughts is just like scuba diving without oxygen.
We need to learn how to hold our breaths,  to accept everything
and process every obstacle in the depth of negativity.
For far beyond its deepness, there is light, shiny as pearls.
You’ll learn its wisdom, an insight that will guide you towards reaching any goal…


Written - 09/16/2013
Updated – 04/21/2014

I found this in my files while browsing  some old writes I have. one of my untitled piece that I never got to publish online, now i finally did.

thank you for reading.
Apr 2015 · 11.4k
Unlucky
Pax Apr 2015
Lucky are those who have found love
and been loved.

Lucky are those who bear the gift of face.
   Easy is for them to find an easy case
            for their own taste
     - a goal for their own base.

Lucky are those who has an outstanding confidence.
For by it, they don’t live with a doubtful fence.
Freely as they get any wants in their existence.

I give away smiles, pieces of my lies,
        pretending not having rainy skies.
Hiding my Breathless sighs.

Sometimes I am like a rock
   too dull to feel, a surface too rough.
A sense I lost, an unreachable core,
I don’t know how to love anymore.



*© 2014 Pax
to simply say: "I am just unlucky in terms of love"


First of all I want to give my special thanks to all my friends who supports me not in my writing but the me who is inside in every piece I penned. To all of you, it let me believed that I should not give up on love, with that it is enough for me to stay positive… hopeful for someday someone will come and bring spring to my 'cold landscape', bring light to my 'unglowing star' and a home that I could finally call my own to stop being the 'passerby'...

....
Apr 2015 · 1.5k
hard to love
Pax Apr 2015
I love the idea of someone will be there for me
Yet in reality, I doubt it to be.
Truth that I knew so well
That I am hard to love seems no one can tell.
...sometimes this is what i know...
Apr 2015 · 2.7k
Afraid to drown
Pax Apr 2015

I bathe in milk
The Ripples along the water are as fine as silk
NO! This is not something I fancy
In life, sometimes you just want to try
In the end we just have to stop the stupid lie.
To live or die
To breathe or just drown
Seems everybody wears a crown
NO! I lost mine a long time ago.
Perhaps temporary is all I could have, so I dare go…
Grab what’s on hand
Never expecting high demand
Then I get lost, soaked
And a little broke
To start a new beginning
Is still out of reach, I’m screeching…
Not in pain but in the cloud that blocks the way
Wishing the fear will stay at bay
Never reaching my awful screeching
Oh CHOICES! I wish I ACTED ON YOU differently
NOT fearing disappointing those who support me.
But hey! What is done cannot be undone
I stand in what I’ve chosen, I never run…
I tried my best to stop my mouth
From reasoning-in or reasoning-out
For your choice is your own responsibility
So I stop blaming others for my problematic probability
I bathe again, in warm water this time
Hoping to wash away the disease that struck me
Faults of my own neglect
Laziness and Tiresome – and its ripple effects
Now I fear I’ll drown…

........... a type of monologues i guess....
partly inspired by this photo:
http://manuelestheim.deviantart.com/art/On-drowning-393658861

a friend of mine hit something when she said:

Sometimes we are all afraid of drowning in the choices we have made. But there's nothing to do but go on. The water of time washes many things away.
Apr 2015 · 1.6k
sea of thoughts
Pax Apr 2015
I’m tired of carrying you at my back.
Keeping you well fed
to the point I starved myself.

Did you often wonder what I feel?  
Have you ever thought of what I really want?
Have you ever seen me without my deep façade?

The difficulty I'm facing is well kept.
Time after time it wears me down.
To the point of exhaustion.
When can I stop and have a little break?
My mind is full and my heart is heavy.

These questions will remain lost in the sea of my thoughts.




© 2013 Pax

a very heavy old fragment, still hung around, carrying, starving, well someday in someway I'll be able to let you go....
Mar 2015 · 7.0k
fate
Pax Mar 2015

No bad deeds goes unpaid
strings of fate, never lose its raid.

a shout-out, tired, played to be a fool.
I've been played by my employer.
Manipulative and such a liar.
AS OF THE MOMENT I HATE MY LIFE
i'LL BE BACK WHEN THIS ANGER SUBSIDE...
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