you can’t see me in your future
you can only see me if your present
should i accept this as blessing?
he will see it in time, my shine
my brillant blues draped across the sky
my wings meeting the sunlight
do you dream of me at night?
plagued by nightmares of you leaving my side
skipping away for a dusk ride
tripping over some new type
i want to fulfill, i want real
i want to understand how you feel
i want to help you stay still
deep breaths while the tears flow
rivers and oceans full
i let you in to my soul, still wasn’t enough
wasn’t enough for you to know
whether you wanted it or not
said you cared but it feels like you are stringing me along
wanting for my confidence to kick in
for the ending of my swan song

i tried to be perfect, still trying hard
you make me feel undeserving
still trying hard, trying the hardest
i am too far now, the farthest
planted seeds in the winter
of course there was no harvest
my mind is too good at being honest
the linchpin, my fondness

streams of speech rolling out of me
filling up my room with feeling
swimming in our own dealings
was it equal?
was it real?
storms of chaos were brewing
filling up all my perception
neglected my honed senses
was it fair?
was it canon?
stranded in my shame
swimming to a shallow grave
why must i hide?
why must i hide?

your true colours remind me of my old bruises
the hues, the truth stuck in my throat
the feeling of being useless
your truth cannot rectify the divide inside
the echoing of inner child cries
the pain is stuck inside
choking on my insecurities
you were supposed to be my security
the foundation is weak
too scared to speak
choking on my impurity
will you still stay through the grey?
when i rain, will you hide away?
strive today for a idyllic place
to lay my head, to plan, protect
to understand your hands
as soft not violent
as truth not sufficing
why is my heart so divided?
can we make amends?

i hope my hope doesn’t break me in half
tried to fit within the margins
tried to damage my confidence
tried for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t keep me stagnant
accepting of every ***** hand
accepting the present as best as it gets
accepting for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t make me lose track
keeping score of my blackest past
keeping mindless men in my grasp
keeping for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t

pouring out paragraphs of poetry
reading until i stop absorbing
my confidence built on words
i worked to make this work
confident, optimistic, and brilliant
pursuing activities for pleasure
demanding a stronger tether
binding, finding my tribe
aligning, trying to vibe
my confident built on words
redefined all my hurt
made my hurt work for me
embrace the shadowy

fur lined coat
misspoke, words stuck in my throat
xoxo, written
let attraction become diminished
misspoke, memories mined for gold
xoxo, smitten
misspoke, your scent clinging to my clothes
xoxo, got to go
long walk home

study the parabola
wonder when i’ll peak
can i survive the heat?
distill deceit
study the hypothesis
wonder when i’ll resist
can i remain authentically rich?
distill disrespect
mismanaging bliss

do you hear the wind?
I felt my body shift
that night, that night
do you understand this?
I am perplexed by the impression of your lips
you strength of your hips
the firework bliss
do you require my fire?
I desire the flames of your kiss
the passion persists
do you understand this?

yearning until the dawn
waiting for the tears to come
the dam can only hold for so long
take a nighttime jog
waiting for the tears to come
backs will break after so long
pedal my bike to secret spots
settle strife stroking
pedal my bike to secret spots
unsettled strife poking

remembering so vividly
the promises you spoke
the way they remained long after you left
the roses whiting away beside my bed
remembering is painful
but i can never forget
tried to smoke away, drink my regret
but you are at the bottom of the bottle
diagnosis
hypnosis
remembering too potent

why why why
i cannot get into your mind
too distracted, too kludgy
humbled me three times
too busy running
why why why
i cannot seem to ever find
the solace in solo expeditions
deficit without you by my side
too busy running
from my pretty eyes

your body will be clay in my hands; molded by my touch
shaped, embraced, by my fountain of love
etched my love letter into your body
velvet kisses and whispering softly
embrace your maker while i embrace your arch
paint you in my love strokes, my art
etched my love letter in your body
velvet kisses and whimpering softly

encapsulate the evergreen
you could never fulfill any need
the itch, you could never scratch
the b*tch, i should’ve smacked
encapsulate the evergreen
you could never understand anything
closed off but claim receptive
chose wrong, twice neglected

each cycle ends but i cannot pretend
a part of me doesn’t pray to see your hand at the end
create spaces for you to soak in my head
misrepresenting everything in hopes of the best
keep it quiet and only unravel in my diary
keep it silent and pray nobody can see

the movement of a whirlpool
draining the oceans i filled for you
each drop a thought, i shed for you
cannot stop, i depend on you
it is stupid, it is a ruse
to paint you as my muse
but my heart is wicked and bruised
i channel the purple and blue hues
i wait for the time to be used
produce fruits for a love that never took root

the war of egos
bruised and blue
the shooting of arrows
straight and true
do not run me for a loop, deploy me like troops
i understand the situation and i command your strength
i understand my situation so i summon my faith

is my wish what i really want?
are your kisses really that soft or are my memories unreliable
all this time i was unviable but now the tides changed
if the overcast can fade then so can the return of the grey
my impressionable mind molded by stoic time
the inescapable vines consume my innate drive

aroused from my slumber
through nightmares of your tongue
the potential it holds
sprout in my fruitful mind
the scariest ones
worsen in truth with time
espoused to another healing trajectory
peace and serenity
understanding my powers of empathy
treat you with delicacy
persist like evergreen
trout swimming in the confines of my oceanic surmise

love to see your smile but only when it’s coated by my love
hate to see you violent but my love will calm the rough
jokes that make you giggle until you forgot how grave it was
to be a passing ship in a sea of storms
this was happenstance, yet we cannot ignore
the embers that burn, the tables we turn
the shells we found on our own

IGNITE THE HEART OF THE FOREST FIRE
DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN LACED W ASH
DESTROY THE CONFIDENCE OF THE PRINCE
EXPECT THE DRAGON’S FLAME TO BE RASH
UNLOCK THE B*TCH TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH
DO NOT DISRESPECT ME AGAIN

cold drinks in the warm breeze
seeing the burning of evergreens
i used to know where to roam
but you always roam without a home
who am i without the soil i’ve known?
cannot grow in these conditions but sometimes comfort zones act as limits

my tears clearer than the ocean
yet my emotions rival the waves
i wish my happiness didn’t fade like the sun at the end of the day
but growth is what i wished for and i accepted whichever way
didn’t understand the toll it would take
i kiss my peers as i waste away, i love you all i wish i could say
under my drunken spell i forgive my ways
all the days i rot away, my insecurity remains the same
fill me with venom, treacherous rain
there is only so much my frame can take

I’ll enjoy the sunset while you’re gone
I’ll enjoy my evenings humming alone
I’ll cherish the buzzing bees and the butterflies in my lawn
I don’t need to yearn
I don’t need to worry
I am in stasis not determined
I am freedom not burden
so I write the song that we sing along
I’ll enjoy your company when you come
I’ll cherish every fingerprint that you left on my heart
I don’t need to strive
I don’t need to worry
I am in stasis not determined

Like a drawer with a false bottom
i don’t meet expectations
invitation to my secret oasis
understand my strange basics

like a flower with no petals
i dont meet expectations
conversation to kissing faces
under the covers of my new favourite

the smell of smoke stings
memories of what could’ve been
catching fire but the spark lost in the wind
in my journal i wrote many things
Not much spoken
But we watch the water from the bridge
Not to address or dispute
we are too avoidant to provide proof
Far too broken

callously cradling curious kids
hounds make the sounds to scare the men
hurricanes in my periphery
violent wash, electricity
buying unobtainable zen