Somehow I already know
how it ends,
even before it begins.
Call it some type of
clairvoyance.

But you were unexpected;
you weren't part of the plan.

I chased you from the
comfort of the only path I knew,
and now all that I know
is how lost I'd be
without you.

I think I've soaked in far too
Many emotions today.
The sponge bleeds into
My own conscience and
I am ****** too deep.

I'm overwhelmed.
Someone else's tears
Well up behind eyelids
That should belong to me,
Or maybe they don't.

Someone else's fear
Leaves icy trails on
The skin that clothes
My ivory bones,
Or our bones.

Someone else's madness
Crept into my veins
And set them ablaze with a
Fury so bright it blindsided
The guardian of my mind.

Red, green, melancholy
Blues, they fill my head
Like a clouded rainbow.
Blue bleeds the deepest and
I need some type of shine.

I've had
         Just a
                 Little
                       Too
                             Much today.

(I) I'm sorry for what
Was said in the winter's cold;
I'm stuck in this rut
And all is barren and old.
I cannot wait for the light.

(II) Robins hunt for lunch,
Hummingbirds feast on honey-
Suckle by the bunch
Lilies soaking in sunny
Rays. Life is in its full bloom.

(III) Beach waves and freckles,
Days spent worshipping the sun.
Skin kissed and speckled,
Outside until the day is done.
Summer, a delicacy.

(IV) Shades of orange and red
Bleed over the other hue.
Sign of what's ahead:
Impending mirage of blue,
Disguised as the falling leaves.

(1)
There are inner battles that
Are waging within my soul.
Insecurity strikes with
Swiftness of the snake.

(2)
Awaken, rejuvenate.
Life is far too short to waste
Precious breath on tired souls.
Awaken your peace.

(3)
I was so used to reading
Others emotions like it
Was biblical scripture.
You make me humble.

(4)
I stopped feeling the need to
Read into everything when
You showed me an open book.
It's such a relief.

It's your birthday
And you're not even here to celebrate.

So here I am,
With the one I love,
Toasting to a soul.

How I ******* wish you were here.
How I wish you could've met him.
How I wish you knew how happy I am,

But I still
*******
Miss you.

How I wish that instead of you
Being the healer, someone else
Could've healed you.

But we still
Couldn't
Save you.

The panic sets in and my lungs
Turn into mice held in the tyrannical
Grasp of the boa constrictor.

Tsunami waves of fear rush over
The surface of my skin like the
Tremors of an earthquake.

Heat rises to my eyeballs,
Red from the hot springs that
Were leaking from their ducts.

Breathe. Calm. Repeat
Until it becomes a mantra,
Or perhaps a curse.

Hire the witch doctor to
Medicate me, and exorcise
The demons from my brain.

Breathe. Calm. Repeat.
Fake it till you make it,
At least that's what they say.

I take everything to heart,
So watch what you say.
It'll run through my head
And bounce around my brain.

I don't know if it's the hormones,
Or my talent of overthinking,
But something isn't right in me.
I feel like I'm sinking.

I'll take everything to heart,
Even if you don't mean it that way.
I'll let it settle within my ears,
Make me sick to my chest all day.

I remember the hatred I had for you.

You, the glowing beauty I wish
I could be, waltz back into a life
You left broken and I
Picked up the pieces to.

You, the smiling sun, attempting
To blind those who stare in awe,
And set fire to the heart of one
Who would've given all for you.

You, the toxic waste puddle,
Returning to a person who
Was once home to seep
Back into his blood.

I remember the hatred I had for you.

You, the brave dragon,
Showing up to wreck a home
That never belonged to you;
I think you've always known that.

You, the wilting flower,
Beg to be served your water
From a crystal ashtray, getting
Attention you did not deserve.

You, the broken heart girl
With teeth like a shark and eyes
That wander; disappear like you do.
You are no longer welcome.

The morning bleeds hues of
Vibrant violet and rose
Over a peaceful world.
Feathers fluttering, leaves whispering
About the day to come.
The sun, like eyes opening for
The first time, shines like
Jewels lying in the creek bed.
Godless night washed away
With watercolor wildflowers.
Without such beauty,
The alarm clock chirping
Would surely be my enemy.

Me plus you,
Minus compassion,
Multiplied by tension,
Divided by a figurative wall.

The equation
Doesn't add up,
Throwing off my
Equilibrium.

Without showing
The work on this,
How am I to
Find the solution?

I don't think you truly get it.
Your anger seeps from your body
Like poisonous fumes,
Polluting the air around us.
Nuclear fuse sparked by
Minor inconvenience,
With the carelessness of
Politicians when it comes to the
Lives at stake from your meltdown.
Anger; the heat that doesn't physically
Burn, but you can feel that fire
In the knots in your stomach.
Anger; the (sometimes) silent fighter.
Fists met with doors, walls, structures
All designed to crumble, just like you have.
Anger; you are quick to embrace her,
Like a lost lover, she'll bring chaos.
Maybe you miss the wilderness.
You could roam and growl as you so pleased,
But you have been caged for too long.
I don't think you truly get it,
How frightening you have become.

My birth control is making
Me crazy again.
Breakdown, rage, comfort,
Repeat. Repeat.

Like clockwork,
I have to remind myself that
"I'm no monster", "it's the hormone",
"I swear I still crave you".

My love for you is
A radiant bloom, being
Suppressed and bullied by the
Bushes bearing thorns.

My hatred for you is
The shell of the bird that
Traps the life inside, leading
It to claw it's way out to breathe.

Wait for me to emerge,
My shell is holding me back
As a safety protocol.
I have not been born yet.

"Ha, I thought you might"

You think about me.
You remember things about me.

Acknowledgement by someone
who's godly.

My heart playing some sick trick on my brain,
("Ha, I thought you might")

April Fools.

Foot tap,
              tap,
                  tapping;
pencil chewed down to the core.
Focus, it will come.

Cancer:
You bathe at night; soak
in the indigo twilight.
Exhausted from the
overload of emotion,
the lunar light cleansed your soul.

Leo:
Charming and cunning,
like the lion, you stalk your
prey. Find the weakness
and exploit it; start the fire,
and then claim your innocence.

Scorpio:
You are the end and
beginning of the cycle.
Reincarnation;
Take the heat, and rise from the
ashes in your final form.

Aquarius:
Water bearer, you
bring life to this alien
landscape. Barren and
undiscovered, this is your
chance to change the world. Long live
your work of innovation.

Virgo:
Tree branch rib cage and
ivy veins that nurture your
winter-bitten soul.
Precious sunlight has returned;
your garden will bloom again.

Aries:
The war going on
inside your brain is growing
tiresome. Your strength
is that of the ram, but you
can't always be the hero.

Pisces:
Submersion. Scared and
eye-level with the Angler.
Take pleasure in the
aesthetic. Perhaps a change
of perspective was needed.

Sagittarius (Father Jupiter Would Be So Proud):
Goddess of the hunt,
your need for adventure and
fearless heart combines
and incarnates the wander-
lust warrior that you are.

Capricorn:
Eyes like a doe; she
is wise, nurturing, and vast.
Motherly strength is
the coat worn over bared bones
and bruised knees. She's her own crutch.

Libra:
Neither side of your
scale may touch the ground.
Chaos may welcome
you with open arms, but she
will grow cold and deranged, love.

Taurus:
Though you are stubborn,
your heart is made of feather,
you fierce, burly ox.
Romantic and devoted,
the darkness in you is gold.

Gemini (The Twin Flame):
How exciting and
infuriating it must
be to look in the
mirror to face your best friend
and your greatest enemy.

I remember pressing my
innocent ears to the mouths
of discarded seashells, just to
hear their secrets; and I shared mine.
They told me secrets in the form of
ocean waves and whispers of wind
between the fingers of the palms.

On days that I feel the world
crumbling and combusting
around me, I press my wiser
ears to the same lips that kept
all my secrets safe. I remember
the advice seashells gave to a
young girl who'd felt discarded.
Be like the ocean, let it flow.

I stalked our horoscopes;
I deciphered the coffee grounds.
I even took the time piecing
the broken mirror back together
to read between the cracks,
in hopes I'd receive a sign.

The Universe told me to
stop searching the unknown
for answers I already know.
My coffee grounds suggested
that I needed to sleep, and
the shattered mirror crooned:
"Put yourself back together
before you try to mend another."

Here we go again:
I get the choice between
fight or flight, but I
chose to remain frozen.

Icebergs congeal in
my bloodstream. I'm freezing on
the inside, erupting
molten lava from my pores.

Uncontrollable magma
falls from igneous eyelashes;
swallowing the inferno
like a glass of apple cider

that's traveled down the wrong pipe.
Coping with emotion
is something that my self
cannot handle.

Insignificance comes in waves,
and then departure is imminent.
Not gravity, but pressure, keeps
us on these tracks; tension pulling
and pushing with the force of a magnet.

Hope is the host and we are the
leeches, latching on and bleeding dry.
Emotional rollercoaster;
Riding blind and oblivious to
the hill looming ahead. We always
loathed the risk, but we enjoyed the thrill.

This imbalance, it comes in waves;
when weakness is most accessible.
Free fall from the top of the world with
no forewarning, no safety device.
Just breathless lungs from a fearful swan dive.

In a way, you are the host and
I, your parasitic lover. Your
affection is my safe haven;
your love like a salve for the wounded.
Today, I feel myself drowning, but
don't fret, this submersion comes in waves.

I've never been one for burning bridges.
Every time I've tried,
I rebuild to watch it crumple again.

The ashes aren't as strong as the cinder
used the very first time.
But, if I'm honest,

the fragility makes the spiral
much more meaningful.

The world lies in a quiescent state;
Darkness robs even more of the light
from a planet
steadily growing colder.

Sounds of the breeze exhaling down the
spine of the Old Oak makes me
cringe. What's happened
to the songs of the forest?

This woodland heart, frozen solid by
Old Man Winter's icy fingertips,
sleeps peacefully
among lives that are on pause.

A bitter kiss from the old man's lips
and we are prepared for our slumber.
Eternal dreams
preface our resurrection.

If I were a mermaid,
I'd float out to sea.
If I were a mermaid,
I'd feel bad for me.
The oceans are scorching,
and we can agree
that the death toll is rising,
no hyperbole.
If I were a mermaid,
I'd beg you to see
there's no hope for your land
if you can't save me.
I fear that these
issues will ever be
plaguing this Earth
for eternity.

A demon masquerading
as the almighty dollar;
she is cunning,
and she is tricky.
She is beguiling,
and she is illusory.

Deceitful and avaricious,
yet believers follow
aimlessly. To have her
in your possession is
nothing like how it
feels to be stripped of her.

Those who succumb to
her seduction are granted
luxury and leisure;
the pledge to idolize
her mindlessly is
engraved into our brains.

Indigence, starvation;
the deprivation of the
green goddess is malicious.
Free yourselves from the hold
she has on you; from the
worldly power she possesses.

Her soft leaves tremble as
the clouds clash and collide
above, revealing their deafening
roar.

Tremors ripple through her,
beginning at her roots; the
poignant sky tears straight through
her rind.

Vicious tears fall from melancholy stars,
and she quakes under the bellow
of the outraged clouds; she is
alone.

Turbulent,
    irate,
        ferocious,
but she will remain.

Isn't it astonishing,
   The amount of hate
That humans have for
        Each other?

If only that same effort
    Was used to threaten
The crooked hand holding
          Us captive.

Darling, don't forget,
    or regret,
       the depths of this pain.

Wild flowers bloom
   only after
       it's been pouring rain.

She's never been the type
that loves large crowds and
booming parties;
the stress of conforming
weighs too heavily on her
sensitive heart,
and quite frankly, most
people don't fall on the same
end of the color spectrum.

Everywhere on this earth is
home to her, and Mother
Nature is her muse.
A black sheep born with a
wild heart; an indigo
child infatuated
with change and fueled
by tranquility. She is the
virtuoso of her own authenticity.

"Black Man Murders White Cop!"
"White Man Shoots Up Black Church!"
"School Shooter Targets Christians!"
Media paints the canvas of
The world in black and white.

The canvas is torn and taped
Back together; the cracks filled
In and covered up, like they were
Never there. Ignorance is bliss, and
What isn't seen isn't there, right?

Unfortunately, the thirst for
Hatred erased all of the
Colors of the rainbow, and
Pitted the remaining, black and
White, against each other.

It's impossible to paint the entire
World in one color and expect
It to be beautiful, unique, diverse.
One cannot just take away the colors
That are vital to such a masterpiece.

Regurgitated images of you
Smiling at her,
(the way you smile at me)
Staring at her;
(the way you used to stare at me)
My stomach is queasy; my soul aches.

The heated fingertips of envy and
Anguish gently brush the hair
From my eyes, leaving the sensation
That I'm on fire. I am on fire;  my
Golden heart, now molten metal, heats
Every inch of this vessel; I am turning to ash.

Second guessing is something you've always
Beem good at, and you swore to
Never use it in me. But sitting across the room
From you, watching you watch her  made
It clear. I was never any good at
Getting first place; second best is home to me.

Poisoning rage is swimming in my
Veins;  desolation echoes throughout the
Cracks in my lungs and chest. Melancholy
Seeps into my soul like the first rain of
Spring. This barren landscape is engulfed by
The malignity. What am I supposed to do?

Every time you touch me, I wonder
If you wish you were touching her.
When you press your lips to my neck, I
Wonder if you're trying to imagine her scent.
When you're mumbling sweetly in your Dreams, I question if you're dreaming of her.

Hearts are supposed to be strong, and
My soul is supposed to stand on its own,
But Jesus Christ, I'm crumbling.
How can I get these foul images out of
My over active brain?  How can I accept
That I'm only going to finish in second place?

Spinning, spinning, spinning;
I'm getting sick and I feel
Too dizzy. I was not made
For this uncontrollable whirl.

Things haven't been as they
Were, and I'm not sure if it's
The changing time, or the change
In me, that is so unsettling.

Creatures peel through my brain,
Poking fun at my deepest insecurities,
And bringing them to life.
(I googled how to get rid of them.)

Their static fingers pry open scars
That have long healed, leaving
A brand new wound.
(Google couldn't find an answer.)

I just can't seem to grasp how
I feel so ******* alone, cradled in
His warm arms; I can't begin to
Explain that I love him so much it hurts.

Two battles raging in my head,
A fight that I didn't consent to,
And I'm left to pick up the broken
Pieces of who I used to be.

The problem with this war is
That it's at a stand-still.
Neither side has the strength to  
Keep fighting, although it's crucial.

I'm begging for its end, so I
Can begin to understand;
Understand love, beauty, myself.
I miss knowing who I was.