Throw rocks at my window,
Hold the boom box up high.
Send me on scavenger hunts,
Make me search far and wide.
Let me be your favorite song,
A tune you can never get out of your head.
Recall your fondest memories,
Those of when we first met.
Take me out to ball games,
Introduce me to all your friends.
I want to be your now and forever,
I want the cheesy moments to last a lifetime.
Take me in now and never look back,
We can have a life we create out of whack.

Let's play pretend.
Let's pretend we don't know each other.
Let's pretend we were never lovers.
Let's start over.
You can teach me how to sing.
I can teach you how to dance.
You can teach me to play piano.
I can teach you how to love.
Let's start over.
Let's drink.
Let's drink to the good times, to the bad.
Let's get ****** up together and not remember how it ends.
Let's be young, wild, and free.
Let's start over.
Now let's remember.
Let's remember the past.
Let's remember how we used to be.
Let's remember all the fun we had when we pretended.

I love the ocean but I hate the beach.
I feel out of place.
I feel it used to be our place.
A place we could run free.
A place where we could just be.
Listening to the waves crash down one on another just like our bodies crashing together.
I may never go back to the beach.
But every time I hear the waves it’s like I’m there again.

When you like someone everything changes, doesn't it?
It's as if the rules don't apply.
Your turn offs fade away and you don't quite understand why.
You start to notice the little things,
Like the way they their eyes squint when they smile.
Or how their hair is always a mess,
Or how beautiful their awkward laugh is.
You see the best in them when everyone else sees the worst.
You look at them with that lust, a desire,
A beating in your heart screaming kiss me.
But until that happens all you can think about is how they're going to taste on your lips,
How your sheets are going to smell once they've left,
And how your heart is gonna skip a beat every time he says your name.
Some would call it an infatuation,
I'd just call it a crush.

"I'll always be here if you need me."
The last words you said to me.
But I need you now, so what am I to do?
I just sit here, wondering, what would happen if I messaged you again.
You said you didn't have time for friends, but you've graduated now, maybe that's all changed.
You made me so many promises,  so many promises that are no longer promises.
Does that make you a liar?
I guess it does, and that's the last thing I'd ever want to call you.
You were always there when I needed you, that was never a lie.
But ever since December 28, 2012, I felt like I've needed you more and more.
So how can you make up those promises?
How can I know if anything has changed?
I'm too scared to reach out to you because I know I can't deal with being shut down again.
I miss you.
I miss our friendship, whatever it may have been.
I miss texting you in class when I was anxious.
I miss the feeling of skyping with you the night before we first met.
I miss you running through my door on my sixteenth birthday to give me the biggest hug I've ever gotten.
I miss having you at my side 24/7.
I miss surprising you at school when I was still home in high school.
I wish you never left my life.
So, I'll always be here if you need me.
That's not a lie.

This isn't easy, putting pen to paper figuring out my thoughts, but alas, here we go again.
I don't want to say it's a crush, that's childish.
It's more of a lust, a desire, a fire burning in my heart wanting to pull you closer every time we hug.
My mind screaming, "say something! Make a move already, ******."
You flirt with me like crazy, making my emotions run wild.
You're in my head constantly reigning over my thoughts, haunting my dreams.
It's pretty crazy how this all works.
Everything you do is adorable and everything you are is cute.
I want to be a part of your life, just like you've made yourself a part of mine.
I want you to hold me in your arms.
I want to feel the warmth of your embrace.
I just want to feel loved, but more importantly, I want to feel loved by you.
Everyone says I'm crazy, they say I don't have a chance, but the way you act around me can't just be nothing.
It's quite cute actually.
You play with your hands, you waffle back and forth on your feet, just like I do when I'm nervous for an audition, you come to a loss for words, you play with your hair, and that smile.
You have a smile that makes my heart melt, my knees tremble.
I thought I was over it until that one summer day.
I guess you're just not that easy to get over, ay?

The tags say, "Dry Clean Only" but I didn't have time before I left.
So now my favorite purple sweater, the one with the elbow patches, smells like you and filet mignon.
Rewind.
July:
"Congratulations, it's a match!" Reads my tinder notification.
Little did I know, I'd actually like you.
Little did I know you'd say you wanted something.
August:
I got your number, we planned on meeting up.
Our plans fell through, but we continued to talk and flirt anyways.
September:
I left for school, as did you.
Hundreds of miles away, you could tell there was something wrong through a text message.
You were there for me, everything I needed, you were it.
You told me you didn't just want someone to ****, you wanted someone to love.
October & November:
The texts dwindled down to barely any.
All I wanted was for you to respond, or finally text me first.
We planned on meeting up for thanksgiving, you ignored me.
December:
Finals week approaches and I finally hear from you again.
You want to meet up for real this time.
We say, let's meet over break.
January:
You text me, four nights before I'm leaving again.
Tomorrow? You ask me, I obviously say of course.
Terrified, I think you're going to stand me up,
but when you finally walk into the Starbucks,
my heart drops.
This is actually happening.
You come back to my place, this and that happens.
You leave.
But what I didn't think is that we'd be back at square one.
Ignoring my texts, yet snapchatting me and liking my moments.
Now:
I run to rid you from my mind.
But yet you appear so vividly and I can hear your voice saying, "are you gonna come and get it?"
Just like you said that day.
So I never had the time to dry clean my favorite sweater, so it still smells of your cologne and filet mignon.

They cut down trees to build major cities,
to pave new roads.
What happens to the people?
They cut down trees in our hearts,
pave roads for themselves.
They build cities with their names in lights.
But what happens when they leave?
The cities become abandoned,
the lights begin to flicker.
They've permanently built a city in your heart,
making your blood pump thicker.
People come and go,
but the ones you truly remember,
are those whose lights still flicker,
even after they've been gone forever.

Take me somewhere new, I want to explore with you. Let’s go climb a mountain, let’s go jump off cliffs into waterfalls. Take my hand and lead the way, Mr. Adventurer. Let’s sit on a rooftop and make music. You with your guitar and me with my voice. Let’s stay up there so long we watch the sun set and the moon rise. Let’s stargaze, I’ll watch the way they twinkle in your eyes. Take me in your arms, wrapped together in a blanket on June 24th watching the night sky. We can fall asleep together to the sounds of the nearby ocean and wake up at sunrise to the bright clear skies. Hear the birds chirp and see them fly in their V-formation. Let’s just stay here all day, bundled up in each other. Let the hours pass by and eventually we’ll go get some food only to bring it back to the rooftop and watch the townspeople walk to the city and bike to the shore. Let’s go for a run. A run down the beach, stop to feed the pelicans, the one we named Steve. Who are we kidding, we don't know which one is Steve. But after these nights, you do know me. And I surely know you, Mr. Adventurer.

You wrecked me, you made me a mess.
I can't believe its been over two years since we met.
And over a year since we stopped talking.
I ended it, not you.
Well, I guess it was kind of mutual.
But nonetheless, you wrecked me, you made me a mess.

You told me I was special, that you wanted to be with me.
Played me with your words, tortured me with your lies.
What else should I have expected?
We did meet on Tinder, but that means nothing, does it?
But here we are, you wrecked me, you made me a mess.

I was swiping left and right a few months ago and you popped up again.
New picture, still attractive, still the same **** I knew before.
I immediately swiped left, but did you swipe right?
I searched you again on Facebook, to see how you're doing.
It just reminded me, you wrecked me, you made me a mess.

I'm glad we never ******, I'm glad it was just fooling around.
Obviously I wasn't anything you actually wanted.
Maybe you just wanted someone to **** with their emotions.
If that's so, you're **** good at it.
But what else is new, you wrecked me, you made me a mess.

Go ahead, treat the other girls like they're worthless.
Taunt them with your lies.
Tell them you want to be with them the same way you wanted to be with me.
So here I am at 11:37 thinking about you because;
You wrecked me, you made me a mess.

I’m that girl that no one likes.
The one who tries so hard to be liked.
I’m the one who goes to lunch alone.
The one with no one to call.
I’m the girl who always gets one-upped.
I can never just bask in my own success.
I’m the girl who feels like a burden who can’t see through all the *******.
I’m the girl who’s never had a boyfriend.
I’m the girl that no one wants to date.
I’m the girl that is seen but isn’t.
I’m just that girl.

I wish you could see what you've put me through.
I can't even remember the last time I was this aggravated...
oh wait, I can, it was also because of you.
First you leave, without even a goodbye.
No way for me to know other than your Facebook status.
Then you leave again, with part of my heart intertwined.
You swore to me you wouldn't be a ******.
Well here we are again.
I was finally getting over it until my phone rang.
3:15 am, I was sick and tired.
You sounded drunk and excited.
My friend and her roommate were sleeping at your place.
Woo hoo, part-ay.
It didn't click in my mind until the morning of what you had said to me.
That your place was too small for me and my friend to come stay.
Oh, I see.
I'm not what you want.
You've made it crystal clear.
But why do I wish you were still here?
I close my eyes and it's flashback on flashback.
We only had a weekend until you left again.
But what I didn't know is that when you left...
I'd be losing a friend.

I thought you'd be different, I told myself as I lie awake at 2am
So many different qualities I found in you than I hadn't found in anyone else
I was hesitant to talk to you, since you didn't really fit my type
But I was so glad I did, because you turned out to be amazing
Or so I thought
We spoke everyday for hours and hours
Never wanting to go to sleep so the conversations would never end
I was lucky enough to have been able to hang out with you twice only to be left with a hug and a delay in our messages for a day or two
We kept talking as the months went on and eventually I went back to school
The texting faded, just like it had with everyone else
I felt like history was repeating itself
When we did talk sparks flew like they always had and it was back to not wanting to say goodbye
And even getting to FaceTime with you made my day, er, my week
But now I'm done
I'm done being the first to say hi
I'm done being the only one to put in the effort
Don't complain to me that you were so lonely on Valentine's Day because we could've done something even though I couldn't have been there
I honestly thought you'd be the one person I wouldn't be writing about
Yet I always wake up at 2 in the morning thinking about you and what we could've been

I know I have no chance, I know there will always be someone before me.
But before you make this your final decision, give me a chance.
Give me a chance to show you I know how to love, and I know how to love you.
Let me show you my true colors, my real spirit, my real self.
Give me a minute to let all my inhibitions go, be real, and be silly.
I love to be silly.
I guess that's something you should know.
I like to prance around in boxer shorts and oversized t-shirts belting out Taylor Swift like no other.
I like to make funny faces on snapchat and tweet song lyrics.
I will always laugh uncontrollably no matter how funny something is, that's just me.
I will always want to cuddle during thunderstorms, and I will always want to watch movies that make me cry.
I will never not love being kissed on the forehead, and hearing someone say, "you're cute."
This is Marisa, and this is Marisa unraveled.
This is me breaking out of the everyday norm.
And if you want to put me first,
You have to accept the challenge of loving me,
then you have to accept all my silliness and my quirks.

There's something about 2am
It's not quite midnight, but it's not too far into the day just yet
There's something about 2am that makes my brain run wild
Something that makes me unable to get you off my mind
There's something about it that keeps me up longer than I want to be because I can't stop thinking of where I went wrong
What I did to spiral out of control
Unable to retract my tears
There's something about 2am that makes every song seem more sad than it is
That makes every song feel relatable
That this really was a love gone wrong
I should've never gone back to you
I knew all along I'd just get hurt again
But there's something about 2am that makes me feel everything
Feel everything at once

i saw us

4 cars and a lake house, making friends all over this town, nothing holding us back

3 dogs and a sunset, laughing until there’s no air left, netflix binges on our couch

2 matching starbs tumblers, getting mexican food when our stomachs rumble, stargazing pretty far our

1 walk down the aisle, listening to morgan all the while, smiles on the way out

but instead it’s time to let you go

but i hope you know i’ll always love you so

Keys jingling, hearts pounding, we meet again at last.
It's taken a while, I thought you hated me, but then we had a blast.
Two nights you spent in my bed, my blankets still smell of you.
Dancing the two step down the road, just us two.
I still can't wrap my mind around what happened, life just felt still.
Nothing moved, just me and you, and it gave me quite a chill.
A chill I can't forget, one we can't deny.
It was just a hook up, and I can't figure out why.
Why me, was I really worth it?
You pulled me on top of you, no hesitation, just pure lust.
Silently we kissed, we touched, and then I just.
I got scared, pulled away, this was the first time for me.
You said not to worry, I was good, just breathe and trust me.
I started to shake, I had never felt this way before.
Part of me thunk, no, I can't be a *****.
Two nights pass and you have to head back home.
A thirteen hour drive, leaving me alone.
I couldn't not be sad, I just had to cry.
I've never had this happen to me, and I'm still wondering why.
I don't want to sleep alone, I just want to cuddle again.
Until that day I get on that long plane,
when we can finally reunite.
I hope sparks fly and time stands still just like it did those nights.

It's times like these I wish you were still here.
A friendship like yours, one I held so dear.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is coming,
but what does the future hold?
Well that child,
I do not know.
I do not know how I've managed to make it eight months without you.
I do not know why I can't stop thinking.
I do not know how much longer I have.
And you don't know how much I've been sinking.
Falling for all your pretty little lies.
Falling deep into the brown of your eyes.
I can't help but wonder,
do I ever cross your mind?
Because I can not seem to put you behind.
I do not know how life works,
yet you seem to.
You seem to be able to play with emotions,
not noticing your notions,
which seem to be degrading in the long run.
All the things you promised are far gone.
You gave me hope.
Hope that tomorrow would always bring peace.
But now I have no way to cope.
That last phrase, that's a lie.
I'm finally starting to move on.
Do I wish you were still in my life, yes.
Do I wish you never hurt me, yes.
Can I change what happened, no.
So this is me, beginning anew.
A new chapter in my book starts soon,
and I hope this chapter involves...
**forgetting you

You confuse me to no end,
Play games with my mind.
Yet I can never say no to you,
I always think we're fine.
It all started with a knock on the door,
Do you see why I have trust issues?
You're rude, degrading, and constantly make me feel like ****.
But all I want is to believe that you care,
That there's a friendship there.
I get it, we're friends, I don't want anything more either,
But it feels like you're on a quest to hook up with my friends,
And that you only want me when you're bored.
It's like I put you on this pedestal,
Because all I wanted was to feel something.
But you just make me feel like ****.
I feel like an object to you,
Like I'm nothing more than a piece of paper.
So why do I keep crawling back?
Why do I always say yes?
It's like I can't say no to you.
You've built property and you're here to stay.
I'm never kidding when I say you can leave,
And when I confront you, you blow it off.
So what the **** do you want from me?
Because I just want your honesty.

If you wanted me so badly, why am I making all the effort now?
You never text first and when we do text it's as if we've never spoken before.
I'm excited to meet you, excited to feel your lips on mine.
But part of me thinks I blew it, just like I've blown everything in my life.
Everyone leaves, everyone walks away.
I thought you'd be the first to stay.
I know I think too much, I know I text too much.
It's a fear of losing you.
A fear I've known too well.
I just wish you'd respond and give me a way to tell.

If you knew it wasn't me all along,
Why did you drag me by your side?
Why did you take me for granted?
Was it your intention to make me cry?
Because here I am,
Still wondering why,
What I ever did to you.
All I did was love you,
All I did was care.
I guess I cared too much,
Because now you're nowhere.
You'll forever be ingrained in my mind,
Footprints on my heart.
You've left your mark on me,
Changed who I am,
But now you're not here to see.
You don't get to see the new me,
The me that you helped form.
I learned from you,
And you sure as hell taught me a lot.
You taught me how to love,
Not just others but myself.
I'm not quite sure why you're still the topic of my writing,
For it's been over a year.
But not a day goes by where I don't think about you.
I miss you,
I miss us,
Whatever it may have been,
You can't tell me you didn't feel it too.

Losing a friend is like mourning a loved one.
Your heart breaks,
You can't spend more than a couple hours without thinking about them.
Then you see a picture, you have a memory, or you see them,
And it all comes rushing back.
The good, the bad.
Everything you want to remember and everything you don't.
But now you don't want to remember it at all.
You just want it all to go away,
For the memories to subside,
To be lucky enough to never see them around,
To never have them pass your mind.
Meanwhile, you're losing your mind.
You can't stop thinking about them or dreaming about them.
You can't suppress the memories because they were just too perfect.
Now you're left to wonder,
Wonder why they left,
Wonder what you've done.
But all you have left is a heartbreak that can't be undone.

I can't help but think that part of me loves you.

But we know that, I do love you. But this feels different, like a different kind of love. Something I've never felt before, something I don't know how to feel.

I'm scared to love because I'm scared to lose.

I can't love more than I do because I've put so much forth towards the relationship we have now. But I can't help but think that part of me loves you.

I miss you more often than not, I love the times we are able to talk, and even better, FaceTime.

But I can't love you. I just can't.
And if I did, I'd most definitely be friendzoned by now.

There's just something to you. A caring, kindhearted, wonderful human being with a special soul.

But I just can't love you, I can't.

These are things I want to tell you, but instead keep hidden deep down inside. Because I can't love you.

Yet, I look for pieces of you in every guy I meet. Every guy I'm interested in. Hoping they can be as amazing as you and give me all that you have. You treat me right, you treat me like a lady. You encourage me to follow my dreams and tell me when I'm being insane.

So maybe there is a part of me that truly loves you, more than I do now.

But I can't love you like that, I just can't.

The last time you were here my fan was making that annoying clicking sound it always makes.
I stood up on the bed, pushed the fan, and it stopped.
You said, "see, you're an engineer too."
I just smiled as you pushed me and pinned me down to the bed.
Now it's been over a month since I saw you last.
22 days since you last texted me.
I just don't understand what you want from me.
To be honest, you made me believe that you were the one.
The one I'd let it all go to.
I pushed comfort zones,
I tried to be the right girl for you.
I guess I was wrong.
And now every time my fan makes that annoying clicking sound, I think of you, and how you told me I was an engineer too.
Except this time,
it won't stop clicking.

Don’t superlike me, you’re not getting my attention, you’re just making me mad.
You didn’t fight for me back this time, you accepted that I needed space and you’ve been kind enough to give it to me, but I don’t think you realize what you’ve done.
I tried to trust you again, I gave you a second chance, which I swore to myself I was done doing.
Then when I found myself in your bed crying because you got mad at me because I didn’t want to have ***, I knew I needed to leave.
Why? Because my body is my right. If I don’t want to have *** you can’t get mad and defensive, especially what happened after the last time.
You thanked me for trusting you again after you did what you did, but I don’t think you realize what you did can be considered as assault.
You blatantly ignored everything we had talked about regarding anxieties. So you most definitely CANNOT have “mental health advocate” in your tinder bio IF YOU DISREGARD ANYONE ELSES BUT YOURSELF.
I know you’re going through your own stuff too, but that doesn’t make me a toy you can play with when you want.
If you want to talk, you know how to reach me, and I’ll listen.
But superliking me isn’t the way to do it.

Looking back at it all, you were never really a friend.
Reading through all our messages - they were all one sided.
"I don't have time for friends" what a ******* way to end a friendship.
2010
That's when we met. I thought you were going to be the perfect friend, the one I could and did tell everyone about. We would Skype everyday, text throughout class, and all in all, you were always there to begin with.
When I met you in real life for the first time on my sweet sixteen, I knew this friendship was going to last forever.
2012
It didn't.
I get it, I was childish, but you even more so for ending our friendship through a text message.
So ******* for all the promises you never kept, the secrets I shared with you, and the friendship you gave me that clearly meant nothing to you.
Now
I don't know what you're doing with your life, but I hope you're happy. I just can't help it, you deserve to be happy.
But what you don't deserve...me.

I don’t know why you left me, and I guess I never will, but all of these feelings are dawning on my mind.
These feelings of “I’m not good enough” and that “I’ll never be good enough” because you left.
You left me at one of the most fragile points in my life an I had never felt so alone.
You swore to me that you would always be thre no matter what, but instead of upholding that promise, you ended our friendship with a text message.
Not only did you leave me with these feelings, you also left me with trust issues.
I never thought I’d be able to trust anyone the same way I trusted you again. I went into college skeptical of everyone, trying to trust people, but I just couldn’t trust anyone the same way I trusted you.
You made a part of my life ******* **** because you had to be selfish and claim that you didn’t have time for friends, but oh how Facebook shows your lies.
And a few times I’ve caved. I messaged you.
But now you’re really out of my life, but you’ll never be out of my mind because you’re in my memories.
Saying you were never there would be a lie because you did indeed help me through my toughest times.
But of all this bad, you showed me something good. You showed me that in order to be able to trust I had to find myself and when I finally found myself, I found someone better than you.
Someone I know won’t leave me, someone who literally has no time for anything, but still makes time for me.
And I found this because I found myself.
All those countless hours crying, hoping you’d come back into my life or that you’d give me closure, those hours led me to some amazing people in my life.
So thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for pulling me in and leaving me hung out to dry. Thank you for teaching me that the people in my life that truly care are the ones that will never leave.
*Most importantly, *thank you for letting go.

I don't want to be here.
I feel alone, rejected, and betrayed.
But where do I want to be?
That, I do not know.
"You look so happy in all your pictures!"
A picture tells 1000 words, including those of my misery.
"You sound so happy on the phone."
It's because you won't let me not be happy.
I can't be honest with you because you just get mad at me.
I want to be somewhere where I feel home.
Where friends aren't fake, and the drama isn't high school-esque.
"Just muttle through."
I don't know how much longer I can take until I break again.
So, no, I do not want to be here.

I wish there was a magic potion, a magic button, or with the snap of my fingers, a way I could forget you.
If only life were that easy, my mind would be butterflies and rainbows.
Not reminders of you and what you did or the last thing you said.
But here we are, that one road, a simple song, a mere activity, and you come rushing back into my mind.
All those promises, all those late night talks.
You can't tell me that it was all *pretend to you.
Because I know what we had was real.
What we had may not have conventional, but it was there.
There is no way you can deny those feelings, they were just too prominent to throw aside.
You see, you've managed to leave me in pieces, too broken to be mended back together.
Pieces that don't fit like a jigsaw puzzle.
I thought we had something but you left me with nothing and here I am, wondering why.
So ******* too, if you can be a ***** *so can I.
I've deleted your texts and I hate when you snapchat me.
You're sure as hell not getting any back.
**I wish there was a magic potion, a magic button, or with the snap of my fingers, a way I could forget you.

Trust.
Something I've been scared of with men thanks to you,
But now I have a new best friend who helps me through.
Love.
Something I thought we had,
Maybe platonic,
But it still ended so sad.
Thoughts.
They'll never stop,
I assumed I'd just move on,
But it's so hard to believe you are really gone.
Life.
Life goes on with every breath,
Every move,
With or without you.
Time.
They say time heals all wounds,
And a wound is what you are,
Healing beneath my skin,
While I search the world I live in.
Search*.
Searching it what I'm doing,
Finding a new me,
A me I *trust and love,
A me where I can think and live freely.
A me where in time I know I'll find it.

I take one look at you and a million things start running through my mind.
I text you and anxiously await a response.
I wonder what it will be like the next time we hang out, and if you feel anything for me.
Could this be something?
Because all I really want is to be wanted.
I want you to be as excited to see me as you are when you see your food coming in a restaurant.
Or when something really good happens to you, I want you to think, how should I tell her, what should I say?
It's not that I like you.
It's that I'm hoping for a different ending to the story thats just beginning.

More times than I can count you've haunted my dreams.
You've left me behooved, not sure what to believe.
Those dreams were precious,
What I wish would exist.
I know I can do better,
But I just want your lips.
I want to have your taste linger on my tongue,
Your smell to stay within my sheets.
All these things I'll never know,
Until I get you with me.
So here we are again,
Night after night with you in my sights.
Hoping that this one will be even better than the last.
And until that day I find you and me together,
I have my midnight memories to remember.

I loved you

You left me to stand alone

You helped me walk when I could not

You gained my trust and then threw it away

I loved you

You were my best friend

Swore to me that you’d always be there

You loved me

Slowly we stopped talking, it went from everyday to barely ever

You assured me you’d always be there

You told me you cared

You told me you loved me

Months went by not a single hello

I was accepted into college, not even a congratulations

My phone vibrates, it’s December 28th

It’s you

You said I don’t deserve you anymore

That you helped me when I needed it

That it’s time to move on

I loved you

You were my best friend

Now how the hell do I move on

You loved me

Or was that a lie too

I spend countless nights

Tears running down my face

Why, how, what did I do

I think now

I’m better off without you

I may have loved you

But a memory is all you are now

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think back.
Do you think back to all the times that we have had?
Do you think about the good, the bad?
Because I think about it all,
and it makes me mad.
I hate that you stopped calling,
I hate that you don't care.
I wish you were out of my mind,
but instead you're everywhere.
You've managed to ingrave your name in my heart,
and you manage to still make me cry.
I simply can't forget you,
and I don't quite know why.

how can you know if you missed a perfect opportunity, the perfect person, the one you can’t let go of
how can you know if they were right when you spent such little time with them
how can you piece together not being able to have said goodbye when the feelings were there, real and raw
how can you feel, feel so much emotion towards them when you were never even together
how can you heal when there’s no closure
how can you move on when there’s so much space between us and the feelings are still there
how can you miss someone you’ve never truly experienced

Comfort: something I had never felt with anyone I had been sexually involved with until you
Feelings: something I never had, even with my ex, until I kissed you
I came to you as a rebound, not thinking much
We both knew I only had a month before I was moving
But the last kiss we had was one I can’t forget
That was the kiss that I felt, felt something and everything all at once
Before you *** felt forced and with people that never made sure I was okay...
You changed that
Before, during, and after
You'd ask me if I was okay, constantly making sure I was comfortable
You may be one of the biggest ******* I’ve ever met, but I just want to be able to call you my *******
Then I moved and I dreamt about you every night, new friends said, "tell him, he deserves to know, and you never know what he feels"
So I told you I had feelings
To which you validated and then told me you haven’t felt for someone in 7 years
Yet, I was the first one you’ve had sober *** with in almost 5 months
Now we snap, we even have a streak
But it’s nothing compared to being in your arms and the feeling of your lips on mine
All signs lead to you having some sort of feelings, so do you?

December 28, 2012...I thought my life was over. I felt pain, sadness, and anger. Tears running down my face. It was the day you told me that you "didn't have time for friends anymore" and ended our friendship. I was about to enter the second half of my senior year, I had just been accepted to college, I was getting ready for major surgery. All things I wanted you to be there for, but you left.

Since December 28, 2012 I always felt a piece of my heart would be stuck with you, a part I would never get back. So many firsts I wanted to share with you, but I knew you would never come back. There was a darkness, a hole in my heart, a hole in my soul. I tried to reach out once I started college, but the conversations were short and meaningless. You assured me it was nothing I did, but I knew and felt deep down that it was.

We had slowly started talking again late 2019, very brief, nothing too much. But you asked to meet up if I was ever back in Baltimore. We set a date when I booked my flights to see my friends.

November 23, 2019...I hadn't seen you in 7 years. You had just gotten engaged. I didn't know what to expect when I walked into the breakfast spot. But it was instant, wonderful conversation. We didn't talk about the past, the things that tore us apart, but instead talked about what we wanted to catch up on and the milestones we have each achieved. In that moment, I finally felt the hole in my heart was sealed. Sealed with closure and with connection. Sealed with friendship and a newfound acquaintance with someone who never really left.