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It makes me feel so alive
As i watch it bleed
It makes me feel so alive
Its such a sudden need

The pain is like a rush
If you saw me
You would definitely blush
Because this is not who im supposed to be

But im afraid
Its who i am
The price must be paid
So that i can stand

Stand myself
Without this knife
I would crumble
And i would end my life

So i continue to cut my skin
I dont care if its a sin
Its what must be done
If im to continue to see the sun

Everyone needs something
To cope with pain
This is what i need
For there to be any gain

I love the blood
I love feeling it flood
Down my leg
Im not going to beg

For help
So inwardly i yelp
In pain
And i watch the rain
Of red
That will scare me skin
And i want it to end
But i cant stop
Its out of my control
I have no soul
Im just a robot
Who must bleed
I have to feed
On this bright red sin
So i cut again and again

But there has to be more
Christ has settled my score
I wont give up
I wont stay stuck
I will keep moving
I will let go of this knife
I wont let it rule my life
An old poem about self harm, but there is hope to get this past you dont have to continue down this dark path, there is a God who loves you very much, and he is there for you, he is a father to the fatherless.
2.0k · Jul 2018
F Boy
Hands all over me
Softly carressing all of me
Sensations I didn’t know I could feel
Is any of this
Even real?
You lifted me up and laid me down
Skin to skin
Lips to lips
I felt your hands
Move down my hips
Your eyes so bright and blue
Bringing up these feelings
So strange and new
One night full of bliss
Who knew
I would have to pay like this
A **** Boy
That’s all that you are
I see that now
Just a shooting star
One minute
You bring me hope and light
But you’re always gone
Before the end of the night
Boys will be boys
She said
As if warning me
Not to trust
A word he said
1.6k · Nov 2019
You are strong lady
She had a waist so small he could cup his hands completely around it
This book I read as a young girl
The characters were ooing and ahing about this tiny waisted girl
How pretty she was and how amazing
I remember taking my hands
And trying to reach them around
And they never did reach
I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to play football, and walk around with no shirt
I wanted everyone to think I was a boy
Every boy I read about
Every boy I saw on tv
I mimicked
Boys didn’t get touched
Boys could be safe
So maybe if I acted enough like a boy
I could make it all stop
All the girls my age, there shirts didn’t seem to fit as tight as mine did
My dad said I looked like a ****
My shirts being so tight
My face was red
I didn’t know what I had done
I was just a kid, mom had bought me these clothes
But I had outgrown them they said
I never wore tight clothes again
I wore my clothes baggy
So people couldn’t see me
So they didn’t know how I was framed
We were at a park with some friends one summer day
We were swimming in a creek
I was walking with my mom back to the car
And I heard the cute boys swimming up the way
Say to each other “is that thing a boy or a girl?”
I wanted to cry
I just ran after my mom faster and tried to keep it in
These are the things that make life difficult for women
The things men as understanding and kind as they can be can still never understand
The things that we can’t always put in words
The things we all feel
But rarely have the courage to say
These are the things we as women need to learn how to express so that we may move on and create a new world for little girls
Because until we learn how these problems in us started, we can not learn how to end them.
1.2k · Feb 2017
Failure
Sometimes I'm fine
Sometimes i just whine
I feel like a failure

Like everything I do is wrong
My life like an annoying ****
All I do is clash
Everything I touch comes to crash

I always mess up
And then I fess up
To make amends

But still I fail there too
I fail most when dealing with you
No particular you
Just with all people I do

And yet even still
I'll try to follow your will
Because you love me

Even though I'm a failure
You love me still
God loves me even when I can't stand myself.
1.2k · Apr 2017
My rooftop
There is a place i go to hide
There is a place where i wished i had died
There is a place somehwere near
Where i have often gone and cried

This place i tried to share
But no one seemed to care
To me it was magical
Buf i didn't really dare

To hope that they could see
Because this place encompassed me
And wasnt about them
It was where i had come to be

To be who i am now
Its where i found
Out who i truly was
Its where my heart was bound

I went there often
I havent been back
I miss it
That beautiful rooftop
Where i would sit
And cry
Or wish i could die
Or think about suicide
Or where i would go
When there was no one home
And i could sit and think
I miss my rooftop
It was my place.
I use to climb on the roof all the time, especially when i was sad or depresses it was my special place, but the freezer i used to get up there has been moved and i miss it.
955 · May 2017
Voices
"Everyone will hate you eventually"
They said,
"For some it just takes times."
The voices in my head
911 · Aug 2018
To those who stand apart
Dancing alone
With the company of a thousand stars
Dancing alone
Waiting for someone to love you as you are

I’m the midst of a crowd
Always in, but never a part
Sitting to the side
Creating your own art

On the outskirts of the world
Observing but never knowing
Where you truly belong
So on the waves of the world you keep rowing

Never giving up
Even when the sky is black
And the stars are gone
You know there is no going back

So do what you love
Breathe in the view
And know you are enough.
A happy turn to what I normally write, I’m trying to be more positive. You are enough, your art is good, keep going don’t just do what everyone else is doing do what you love and know you look beautiful doing it.
887 · Feb 2017
Paradox
Life is such a parodox
Its an oxymoron
Those who talk the least
Have the most to say
Those who feel the most
Cant even show it
Those who have the most to live
Want to die the most
Why is this so?
Why is it when i think
Often so deeply
That i cant explain
No matter how much
I want to do so
Its just all stuck
I think through things so much
But i can't explain my thoughts
They just stay stuck
Or come out stupid
Why cant i just talk?
Some people talk so much
And yet say so little
I have so much to say
Yet i talk so little
Life my dear friends
Is such a parodox
My friend and i had a conversation about this the other day and it was really interesting
880 · Oct 2017
Walking through my soul
I gaze out of my soul
All I see are the holes
Left in the world of death
Nothing left to bless
It's all gone to hell
I shrug and say "oh well"
As I continue my stroll
Through my endless soul
No longer searching
Just silently lurking
Hoping to find the thing
I know I long after
Hoping to find hope
Some way to cope
And I *****
At these walls that block me off
Screaming for someone to see
And screaming for them to leave me be
I begin to run
And I try and hide
I can not move
I will not be satisfied
With what I see
And the darkness inside me
I leap out of my soul
And stop looking inside myself
And finally I reach out for help
Because I myself can not save me
I myself am not the key
I am nothing but meager dust
In myself am nothingness
I look outside myself
And I see the light
And suddenly everything is no longer night.
720 · Jan 2017
A sudden change
I feel so different now
Its like a weight is lifted
Its so amazing how
All my views have shifted

Its like i can finally see
I feel renewed within
Here begins a new me
Christ has freed me from sin

Im no longer consumed by shame
Im not burdened by guilt
I look to you and know your name
My soul no longer wilts

Im a new creature
What is this sudden change?
I feel almost pure
Its such a sudden change

My mind was all dark
I was consumed by hate
But then you spoke to me like a beautiful lark
Your words were of love and it was like a grate

You pushed me out of my comfort zone
It was so hard
But now suddenly i actually feel at home
I no longer feel alone

I know you love me
Its like for the first time i see
Its you who i want to be
I want to resemble you more
So in my heart i will store
Your word i want to memorize
Your people i want to know
I want to actually show
How i feel in my heart
I wish i had from the start
But i can see all this time
Your hand working in me
Even when i was close
To taking my life
Even in the darkness and the strife
I can see how you took away the knife
And gave me something so much better
Your water will make my thirsty soul wetter
Your love i want to show
And slowly i hope to grow
I truy do love you Lord
The change Christ makes in me.
684 · Apr 2017
Are we still friends?
You just left me,
We used to talk all the time,
And now.....  

Now we never speak,
And it *****,
I miss you,

You said we needed space,
And that you didn't mean to hurt me,
But it still hurt,
And i still miss you,
And i get it, i really do.

But i feel like i lose everyone i get close too,
I feel like every time i open up to someone,
They always seem to vanish,
And i thought you were different,
But it seems your not,
And thats ok
I cant blame you,
I wouldn't want to be my friend either........
My best friend and i haven't talked much lately...i feel stupid but i miss him....
640 · Jun 2017
The waltz
The dazzling lights
The music of the waltz
The shy boy who didn't want to dance
The shy girl who did
The outgoing girl who spoke to the shy boy
And all but forced him to ask
But the shy girl was dancing with the red head
And they were laughing
But eventually the song ended
And the shy boy came up
He all but growled out the invitation to the dance floor
The shy girl just laughed
And so together they learned the waltz
I realize this is incredibly lame sounding, but i wrote it awhile ago and reread it recently and I really like it alot actually.
619 · Apr 2017
I should sleep
I want to write
I feel like i need too
I just dont feel right
I want to talk to you

But i cant
I just dont have the words
I have to many emotions
Im falling
I just hope im falling forwards

I need a release
But i cant move
I cant even breathe
But im stuck as well

Its midnight
I should go to bed
But i cant just yet
I dont think i could sleep

Im so tired right now
I want to sleep
But its too much
I just cant do anything

Everything is too much
Im just overwhelmed
And the worst part is
Im alone.
Everything ***** right now and i cant sleep and ik if i dont tomorrow is going to be so awful, or more awful than usual.
#sleep #overwhelmed #emotions #depressed
599 · Dec 2017
Beauty in ash
I walk this field
All turned to ash
The fire will never yield
So I turn and I ask
“How did this forest
Once beautiful and strong
Become so dark?”
It just all seemed wrong
There was none to answer
My question was fate
It cried to wind
Still not answered to date
So I strolled on in the ash
Walking through the burning
All in worse state than trash
As I walked I began to weep
No longer able to stand
All the pain that I saw
I fell with my head in hand
And I wept and I cried
At seeing all this beauty
And imaging how it died
I couldn’t imagine
Anything good coming from this
So I cried and I wished
That it would just burn me up too
Then maybe I wouldn’t have to see
And I could just be
It would all be well
If I never had to tell
And I never had to see
All the ash
And blatant misery
But from my sobbing I paused
When I looked up
And to my surprise I saw
A young flower
A daisy
All yellow and golden
I was suddenly cold then
As chills ran down me
And I could no longer weep
I stood up
I began to leap
For in the ash
And through the flame
Had produced such beauty of fame
Something so amazing
And elegant
My mind now fervently spent
I saw that through it all
There was still good
And there was more than just the ash
I was talking to a friend about seeing the good in the world despite the pain and anyway that conversation inspired this so there.
550 · Feb 2017
Monster
My biggest fear
Isnt the monster
Beneath my bed
But is the monster
In my head.
Just random thoughts
549 · Jul 2017
A desperate cry
I want to cry
My eyes are holding back the tears
As I read all the emotions
As I see all this hurt
I know so many people who hurt
And who ache
And this kills me
This world is so broken
And no one is untouchable
It kills me
Watching as innocent people
Get used
By other people
Who themselves used to be innocent
Until the day wen they were used
And its an endless cycle
Of hurt people
Turning around and hurting more
This endless cycle of pain
So many people screaming that they just want to be loved
And every piece of me
Is dying to scream at them
How much I love them all
But I've done that to some
And im afraid iv only caused more pain
So I'm stuck unable to help
Only able to pray
But the brokenness
Is eating away
And each day
They get more broken
And closer to ending it all
And I know that pain
All too well
That's why I want to help
Because I wouldn't wish my misery on anyone
And I want so desperately to protect them all
But I'm so weak
And there's really nothing I can do
So I sit back and watch this pain and watch this misery
And all I can do is cry out to God to hear these people
And to see the pain
And I feel so helpless
But I know that alone
Is better than anything else I could do
So many people are hurting. And I don't think most people see the pain of everyone around them. They seem to think no one has it as bad as they do. But just because the pain is hidden doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
548 · Aug 2017
Ecclesiastes 7:3
To know the depths of joy
You must go the length of sorrow

To see the sun rise
You must get up in the night

Moving forward
And moving on

When all of life
Feels completely gone

Is the only way
To truly see

Who it is
We are meant to be.
I actually really like it is, and it really comes from a cool place for me, like its weird to say this means a lot to me cuz I wrote it and that sounds so arrogant and its not cuz I think its good it just really speaks to me.
Oh also this isn't a quote from Ecclesiastes it's inspired by the verse
542 · Jul 2017
Taco
Sometimes life can be a lot like a taco
It's all falling apart, but it still tastes good.
Kinda just a funny thought I had. But also has a legit point, life might be falling apart right now and it seems like nothing is going right, but no matter how much it *****, life is a gift, you can enjoy it, it will be crazy hard to do at times, but if you look around you, there is atleast one thing I promise that you can find that is worth living for, because life really is beautiful even with all the pain it brings.
536 · Apr 2018
Torn
My heart is torn in two
From all the painful memories
I got from loving you
I still miss him
525 · Apr 2017
The lies
My darkness comes again
Im weighed down
By all this sin

I look at these lies
And i scream inwardly
Outwardly i just sigh

I get so stuck
Its like i cant see
Anything besides the muck

But i will follow the truth
I know there is more
This darkness is not new

I can move oast these lies
I wont give in
The truth will not be disguised

I am not alone
There is so much more
I can be at peace at home

I am loved
There is truth here
I can be enough

Im not a failure
There is more to me
Than this current allure

I will fight these lies
I wont give up
God hears my cries

And he sees me
Even when im weak
He shows me how who im to be

And he gives me strength
To just keep living
When all i want is to give up.
Dont listen to the lies, you are worth it, you do have value, there are people who care about you, i ised to read things like this and think how stupid they were, but now im writing them, keep going things will get better.
Drowning?
Or already drowned
The demon screams
The child hides
The parent leaves
The monster hurts
The child aches
The tongue is twisted
The knife cuts
The wounds never heal
The scabs stay open
The blood leaks
People stare
Its brushed away
But the pain stays
The voices are louder
The care is less
The friends leave
The numbness stays
The people seem smaller
The fakness
All the acting
All the fake smiles
All the lies
All the "im oks"
Im drowning......
.....or maybe im already drowned.
Im trying to work on the flow of my poetry.....not sure this is much better
458 · Aug 2017
Hide and Seek
Life is a game
Of hide and go seek
Its not yet time
For you to peek

You must go hide
And try not to be found
You can not wish to
Have ever died

That is one piece to hide
You can not long after blood
Hide that too

But most of all
Remember this
You must simply hide all of you
Paint up a fake and trick them all
And watch as they fall
For the fake
And now you feel safe
But look at them laughing
And all having a blast
Guilt overwhelms
So you crawl out of hiding
And want to help seek
But the weather outside is hot
And you notice they are not
What they at first appear
For there paint is running
And soon so are you
But you leave your fake laughing
Just in case
It was only sweat you saw
But you have to be careful
Because this is hide and seek
And you never know
Exactly how much to show
So again you hide
And curl around yourself
Because while the one who looks like you
Is out having fun
And is enjoying the company
Of many different people
You have never been more alone.
Random thoughts on life and relationships
440 · May 2017
Sometimes
Sometimes im silent
Not because i dont have anything to say
But simply because
Its hard to talk over the voices in my head
430 · May 2017
Flames
I saw the flames
He jumped through
He just leaped through the fire
Completely unhurt
I was amazed
Id heard tale of such feats
But even still
To actually watch it happen
I was enthralled
I was awestruck
And then i desired to feel
Those flames lick my face
I wanted to feel the heat
And yet remain unscathed
I wanted to jump
And so i did
I ran towards the flames
I was so excited
I wanted to leap through the air
But when i came close
When i saw those flames in my face
I stopped
For a split second
I stopped
I hesitated
And that threw me off
So as i jumped i fell
Into the flames
And i got burned
I have the scar on my knee
Its not bad
But **** did it hurt
I have the giant bruise on my side
And **** did it hurt
But none of my physical pain
Hurt nearly as much
As the embarrassment did
As much as knowing that everyone had watched
That everyone saw
That everyone knew
That i had failed
I had fallen and got burned
And that pain was unbearable
I had to leave to step away
I couldn't face anyone
And so i went off
By myself
And sat and thought
And made the decision that i would play it safe
And not take risks
And thus I wouldn't fail
And thus I wouldn't face the pain
I could just stay safe
But as i think about it
I remember the rush
The flames licking my face
That moment before i fell
And i felt amazing
Before I hesitated before i jumped
I was excited
I was doing something
And it was a rush
So yeah i fell
And yeah i hurt
And yeah the pain was real
But thinking back to it
Id do it again in a heart beat
The only difference is
I wouldn't hesitate
Or if i did
Right after i fell
Rather than leaving
Id run at the fire again
And id keep jumping
Until I finally made it.
This actually happened but it really opened my eyes to how i view life and how i let the fear of failure keep me from trying
428 · Aug 2017
Alone
The sad part is
I think I was right
No one stays
In those dark nights
In those times
Im
All
Alone
And I will be
All
Alone
And that's how it is
I just have to deal
I want this wound
To just finally heal
But every time
I open myself up
They just seem to leave
And so again
Im
Alone
That's just how it goes
But no worries
I've learned to enjoy it
I
Actually
Like
Being
Alone
Just random thoughts and nothingness that exists inside my head.
425 · Mar 2017
Darkness
The darkness knocked at my door
I opened it, just a crack
I stared and my heart did soar
I can not take it back
That glance i gave to those eyes
The way it stared at me
It made me despise
Everything i had come to see
Without wanting too
I opened wide the door
And it showed me something new
I thought it would give me more
It wisperd inside my ear
That i was all alone
It was all i could hear
It told me i couldn't go home
It handed me the knife
And showed me how to bleed
It made me want to take my life
And commit this awful deed
It took from me so much
And gave me nothing back
My shoulders were always hunched
My heart was always black
I began to lose all hope
I couldn't even see
There was no way to cope
With the darkness eating me
But this wont be the end
Because i wont give up the fight
It just another bend
In the war of wrong vs. right
And i may be in pain
And I may fall down
But i wont go insane
I wont alow myself to drown
Beneath all these emotions
Running through my mind
And all these crazy notions
I will try and bind
Because this is my life
And i will fight back
Even though theres stife
I wont be controlled by my heart even when its all black.
Fighting against depression.
411 · Jun 2017
Not alot
I dont have alot of friends
But now i have one less than not alot
408 · Aug 2017
More to life than death
Those moments fueled by pain
It had just started to rain
No sun was seen in the sky
I was being passed by everyone walking by
No one knew my struggles
No one saw the tears
Or how I made it through the years
Dragging that knife across my skin
The blood would always win
So I figured it would be best
To end it like this
With the slashes on my wrist
And the blood would get to be
The final thing I would see
So I walked until I was alone
No where near any home
And I pulled out the knife
Prepared to take my life
But before I could
I just silently stood
Staring at my wrist
Thinking of this
And how I would never again see
My friends, or family
And sure I thought no one cares
So why does it matter?
But one friend had talked to me
And began to teach me to see
The world a little differently
And I thought of how this would affect
And I thought of those people who smiled and waved
And never knew the darkness I craved
And how I wondered how I would feel
If they were to do the thing I was about to do
And I started to cry
And though my heart
Still longed to die
I no longer had the strength to even hold the blade
And so on I lived
And some time later
Im glad I did
It has always been hard
But life is so much more than what it seems
It always has more in store
Than what we see
And for almost the first time
Im glad to be alive.
Suicide is never actually a viable option as much as it may feel like a good idea or that everyone wouod be better off without you it's simply not true. Stay strong. You can keep going
I see the pain
Has marked my face
I am nothing
If not a disgrace

The lines that I
Have long drawn
Make me tired
And so I yawn

I look at all this mess
There is no outcome
And so I guess

This is just how it is
Nothing else to this

But I hate that thought
That these relationships
Are simply for nought

I don't want to believe
That this is true
But that's how it seems
Judging by the view

But maybe the view is wrong
Maybe I need to look
For a little bit longer
And maybe the outlook will change

I long to be close
To a human soul
And have each other
Truly know

The inner workings
And the outer show
But instead in my heart
The distance will grow

I am unsure
If its worth the risk
I am not pure

Perhaps that is why
Everyone will fly
Away from me
When they see
Who I really am
And my life is a sham
I am not me
Or who I want to be
But i long to grow
And to show
The world all my work
To let them all look
What the demon took
And see how I went on
And continued living
But yet no one know
And so I am alone.
Random nothingness my poems seem to be getting worse and worse the more I write.
389 · Dec 2017
The weight
There is a weight in my chest
Something that will never rest
My whole body feels nothing but heavy
I’m incredibly unsteady
I can not stand up on my own
I have no one else
I’m all alone....
Just sad thoughts and stuff
369 · May 2017
Fooling you
Im not what appear
This smile is but a mask
For im not really here
I just to pretend to be to complete a task

A task of fooling you
Into thinking of me
As someone like you too
Instead of who is really me

But im nothing like you
Im so dark
Its nothing new
This crazy story ark

But listen my friend,
You need to hear
This relationship is at an end
You dont want to hold me dear

There are sins unknown
Scars covered up
The darkness has grown
And its so tough

To tell you this
But its only fair
For you to know
Before we become a pair

You need to know who i am
And that this isnt I
But this is where i stand
Im just a demon standing by

This demon inside
He controls me
He makes me hide
Who im to be

And so im sorry for fooling you
But its ok
Because maybe your fooling me too.
Sometimes i feel like i have to warn people about myself because as first i can seem so happy but ifyou get to know me, im actually really dark.
My mind is so twisted and wild
It leaps and bounds
Violence is everywhere
Its the music in the air
It sings softly and sweet
And keeps my hands folded ever so neat
It makes me laugh out loud
And makes me cry with my head in the cloud
It keeps me from going insane
Funny how it can bring so much pain
But to me its a comfort
As is this rhyme
Some day you will understand, love
All in good time
One day you will die
And then you will see
That it is not i
Who has lost my mind
But the rest of the world who kills the innocent to solve our problems
Im just the one brave enough to say
What their actions have already spoken so well.
I don't normally get into politics but all this killing iv been seeing on the news makes me really sad and i dont like how everyone seems to be defending the killing of innocent lives no matter what the reason and no matter who else is killed i dont see how killing people helps solve things, idk much about politics or anything really, i just know i hate seeing death constantly on the news and everyone seems to be so ok with it and even saying its good, and its bery depressing
360 · Feb 2018
Perspective
I stand alone in the crowd
The only one who won’t go out
All alone in a wave
Of these people who only crave
To hear what puts on the fake smiles
And none of them go many miles
Before they realize
That dead gaze in their eyes
But they don’t care
They won’t give up the lies
So they bicker and fight
And I try and choose flight
But I get dragged down
I can’t breathe I begin to drown
I wake up in a cold sweat
Is this life over with yet?
This is just a poem about the world and how we view it and how it is viewed and maybe in it you can see what might be truth
348 · May 2018
Hands and Feet
The way your eyes became filled with tears
As I showed to you
All my darkest fears
I spoke to you of all my demons
And time and again
How I had seen them
Dancing through my mind
Filling me up with lies
Holding me in a bind
And you reached out your hand
Time and time again
Most times I shoved you away
I would lie to your face
Telling you I’m fine
But you never turned away
You told me you would stay
And you were true to your word
And through all this time
I never could see it
But you are the hands and feet of Jesus
I questioned his love
Thinking I could not be enough
I felt all alone
Even when I was not
I was surrounded by his love
But my eyes they were blind
And you reached out your hand
Over and over again
Finally over time
I see that the hand I called yours
The hand I rejected
Was never truly yours
But it was the scarred hand of Jesus
Reaching out to me
And I see how he used you
To change my life
And finally I believe in his overwhelming love
And I want to be used
To help others too
I want to be
The hands and feet of Jesus
This is a poem about one of the most fckinv awesome women I have ever met. She has helped through so so many hard times and she never once gave up on me. Even when I avoided her for weeks and ignored her even still she pursued me, never getting anything out of our relationship for herself she just wanted to help me. I want to be like her one day.
You said
“Let’s just be friends”
I never thought
That’s how it would end

Who’s fault is it
This pain in my chest
Can I blame you?
Or should I give it a rest

I knew you were no good
From the second
I looked up at you from my hood

Gazing into your perfect eyes
I knew what was next to come
Would not be wise

But I threw caution to the wind
And so too you threw me away
My former friend
Thoughts on a recent relationship and the breakup after
342 · Jul 2017
Losing heart
The knife was dragged down my chest,
Slowly pulling apart skin and bone,
My heart beating clearly shown,
The long claw like hand,
Reached into the crevice,
That was once my whole chest,
There the hand lay to rest,
My heart beating quicker,
Slowly began to be pulled away,
I screamed but unable to move,
So standing there staring I just stayed,
I stared at my heart now in his hand,
I couldn't breathe,
And didn't dare scream,
Because my last breathe was not going to be spent like that,
I continued to stare at my heart,
The monster howled with delight,
And gave an awful grin,
It seemed insanely pleased,
With what I surely hope was an awful sin,
But I had no time to think on that,
For soon was coming my last breathe,
I could feel nothing but the chasm in my soul,
Wondering how could I ever again be whole?
I began to fall to the ground,
The monsters laughter did abound,
And as I closed my eyes in that last moment,
As the darkness surrounded,
And I felt nothing,
A single thought entered my mind,
I began to play back and slowly rewind,
As I saw in my mind,
I watched the monster rip out my heart,
But I also saw how I stood doing nothing,
And I knew in my last moment,
I could have stopped him,
And I wondered if I could somehow have the chance to try again.....
Just a story
341 · Mar 2017
My life
In my life iv had alot of pain
In my life iv been crippled
By not seeing the gain
Iv wanted to die

Iv held that blade to wrist
Iv stood on the edge
Of that bridge
Iv looked down

But i didn't jump

I stood and i thought
About what doing
This thing would wrought
And i just stood

I couldn't do it
Maybe because i was weak
And so i didn't speak
To anyone about this

Because i was ashamed
I was afraid
I still am

But i have to move on
I have to keep going
The sun is slowly showing

Thanks to all the people
In my life
I put away my knife

I have to really live
And so this to you i give
Im ready now
To open up my heart
I know this is just a start
But its a beginning
And i hope to move on
This battle is not won
Ill still fight
The dark still comes at night
But with your help
I can keep going
And i want to thank you
For showing me something new
This strange idea
That i dont have to be alone
To me you have shown
That there is pain
In life you have to strain
To keep going
But slowly you can start growing
I want to make chances
I dont want to regret
And i dont want to have to forget
The things iv done
I want to sit in the sun
And smile
And stay for awhile
In that happy place
But know that its because of God's grace
That iv made it this far
And i couldnt have done it
Without you.
The people we meet and the ones we let in and the ones we dont and the ones we should have are what make us who we are, by rejecting everyone your not a lowing yourself to become who God made you to be. He created us to have relationships and its taken me a long time to figure that out.
340 · Apr 2017
Friends
I look and i wonder
What i have done
I sit and ponder
Why i cant find the sun

We were friends right?
Once upon a time
But now im struck by fright
I hear the clock chime

Maybe nothing ever lasts
Maybe its all just moments
And eventually they all pass
But my heart still rents

I just wish i knew
What i always seem to do
And how i constantly anger you
And why is it that you flew?

Away from me
I was just trying to see
To look into you
And let you look into me too

But instead you pushed me
And not just literally
You didn't want to see
Maybe im just full of folly

For ever thinking that we might
Somehow still be friends
This poem is about someone who im no longer friends with, and i dont really know why. But i wish knew what i did that was so bad....
339 · Aug 2017
The color black
I wear black all the time
I just dyed my natural blonde
To a black so dark
It almost looks deep blue
I love the color black
Its has such beauty
That most people don't seem to see
They see black and think goth
Or they think emo
Or even just think it looks stupid
But I look at black
And see the way the light glances off of it
I see how extra shiny black surfaces look
I love how my black hair darkness my whole face
I love the tough look black things give you
I love the sophistication
Of an all black outfit
I see depth to the color black
And that's why I like it
Because there is more to it
Than what you see at first glance
Just like many people
You glance at who they are
And how they act
And you assume you see it all
But the villains story
Is often just a victims story
Left untold for far too long.
Black is a beautiful color even if it often represents darkness and pain, you can find beauty in the strangest places, if you are just willing to look.
332 · Jan 2017
Lost
The dark has come again
I don't think I'll ever win
It'san uphill war
Is there any more?

More to this life
Than this endless strife
I can't stay away from this knife

It rules me
It tells me who to be
And i obey
I follow all the way

I bow down
I give it the crown
And so on i drown

I feel so stuck
In this endless muck
I watch as others move on
They have won

But I'm still lost
This an old poem and its not my current situation but its sort of a show how despite pain and doubt these things can be good and help us to grow
328 · May 2017
Russian dolls
The first doll is really big
She looks very strong
And even intimidating
She seems so tough and powerful
Beneath this doll theres a sweet little girl
Who loves to show her affection for others
She loves pretty and sweet things
Shes a good christian girl
Always does whats right
And beneath that doll is a screaming lunatic
And insane person who cant be controlled
A mad person with a thurst for blood and vengeance
One who is obviously weighed down by the past
And beneath them all
The tiniest of dolls
Is a sad little girl
Not more than five years old
Shes crying, she never stops crying
Because the only doll in front of her that she can see
Is the screaming lunatic
And the only emotion this little girl knows is fear.
An interesting way i would describe myself, i couldn't sleep last night and thought of this. I think something like it on a movie or something
327 · Oct 2018
Writing again
I haven't felt this way in awhile
I haven't had any words left in my heart
Each time I sat to write
My soul was vacant
And nothing felt right
Now after all this time
I sit with my laptop on hand
And my words are there
And it feels pure
My lungs finally fill with the air
They have craved for so long
It's been such a dark and lonely road
But with you back in my life
The paradox that somehow
Makes everything feel right
You, the one I thought was gone
You, the one who I tried to forget
You, the one who I did wrong
Giving me a second chance
After all this time
You are the strangest paradox I know
Yet at the end of the day
I can't help but to say
I love you
A poem about a person I once lost
A poem about someone I know can't live without
317 · Jul 2017
Watching
I look out the window
I see the sky
I watch these birds fly by
They glide with the wind
Rise up against the swells
Where they go no one tells
It is all a mystery
The way the birds fly
The reasons people always die
The reason I'm always alone
Remains completely unknown
Atleast to me
It may be easy for others to see
But I know not
This is my plot
And im alright with it
So long as I get to watch
For watching brings no pain
It is only in the actual act of soaring
That one can ever fall
So whats the point of trying at all?
Just a random poem I thought up.
310 · Feb 2017
One of those days
Today was one of those days
Where nothing goes wrong
But still life has its ways
Where it all feels too long

Nothing really happened
The world didn't end
But still you feel a rend
It's like your hearts a little bent

For no particular reason
Yiu just keep failing
Its not simply a season
And for an instant you think about bailing

But you keep on pushing
And you just have to trust
Its like your on a wing
And suddenly you see rust
And your heart leaps
But deep inside
Your heart still beats
Because you see the wing is wide
And you know you can trust
In the pikot of the plane
And though occasionally
Your faith will wain
The pilots is better than Sully
So you keep your head up
And thank your lucky stars
That your above all these cars
That you can see the world
And so you breathe and look out
And you smile and lose your doubt
Because you put your faith
Not in the plane
But in the one who flies it.
298 · Jun 2017
Mutual Agreement
A mutual agreement
To rip each others hearts out
A mutual agreement
That we simply wont work together
I have to wait atleast a year
And he cant wait for just a year
Two different people
Who just didn't think it through
Who rushed head long
And who are both broken now
It makes it easier that it was mutual, sure
But it still hurts
And im still gonna miss you
Im gonna miss you alot
I really liked him
The first boy who ever liked me back
The first relationship i had ever been in
Lasted less than two whole months
Now isn't that just sad
Well I certainly am
He was so great
But we weren't meant to be
And i know i can trust God in this
And i know he has something big in store for both of us
But right now it still hurts
And my heart still aches
And im still gonna miss you
And im still gonna think about you
And im sorry i ever said i liked you back
Im sorry we ever went down this road
Because not only did i lose a relationship
But i also feel like i lost the friendship
And it was such a good friendship
And im gonna miss it
And im gonna miss you
294 · Jan 2018
Leaving..... again
It’s been three years
I actually fit in here
And yet you want to leave?
Why are my decisions
Never left up to me?
It dosnt matter anyway
No one will ever stay
It’s gotten to now
Where I’m accustomed
To you as you walk away
I guess that now
I know how you look
More from behind
Than in the front
I wish I could rewind
I don’t know what would be different
Or how it would end
But maybe I would be firm
And not bend
When I was made to leave
And told to walk away
Or maybe even you might stay.
Just my thoughts one life atm hopefully will be better eventually.......
279 · Aug 2017
The big dance
The lights
The noise
The music
The sounds
The voices
The dance
The life
It brings
Both vibrancy
And anxiety
Both life
And death
Most everyone
Loves it all
But not I
I love
And I hate
There is dark
And light
It's all
A paradox
Just as
Am I.
There is this dance thing every Saturday night in the summer, and my friends and I have started going a lot, it's a lot of fun but it also makes me anxious.
267 · Oct 2017
Can I just say
Can I just say,
Well today was really great,
And I had a lot of fun,
And well,
Can I just say,
I really liked sitting next you,
I know it sound lame,
Maybe even childish,
But man,
Can I just say,
Sitting next you,
I feel safe,
You make me feel safe,
And can I just say,
That I really like your school,
And I really want to go,
I can’t wait until I go,
And can I just say,
That when we hang out,
And when you look at me,
I feel special,
And can I just say,
I really do like you.
Just a poem about a boi XD
262 · Feb 2017
Childhood
There is this place
With magnificent grace
Its so very peaceful

It abounds with love
And no one can get enough
But thats fine
Because there is plenty of time

There all is great
No one ever has hate
This place is called childhood

But not all are so good
And not just those from the hood
I was raised in a christian home
Yet still i was all alone

I hear others as they talk
And i silently gaulk
At how good they had it

And its like they dont even know
And i almost want to show
Them how bad it can be
To just let them see

But i just sit silently
I want to scream violently
But i never do

So instead i just write
From all these thoughts in my head
I used to wish i was dead
But now i can see
How it all made me
Who im supposed to be
Well im not there yet
But my life its not set
Im growing
And i hope its showing
So tho it was painful
Im in an odd way grateful
Not for who else was hurt
But for the way iv grown since
When life throws you lemons **** it up and pucker up.
261 · Jan 2017
Untitled
Im consumed by these thoughts
I hate these feelings
That i just cant cross
Out of my mind and dreamings

They consume me
I dont want too
But here i am i can see
How all i can think of is you

Its all you fault
For making me like you
For consuming me every thought
And it ***** cuz ik you cant like me too

So im just stuck here
With these emotions
And i dont want to care
So these thoughts i try to shun

But i cant stop myself
I really have tried
Its not like iv cried
Over you
Its just sad
That you will never like me too
Just a poem. Im not in love but love poems are popular so i tried thats all
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