I thought I saw Jesus
I was lost and broken
A helping hand was all I wanted
My heart yearned for warmth
A hand reached out
After I did much begging
After I asked
Asked and asked
My brother had help…
My sister had help…
My best friend had help…
But no one seemed to care when I said I was hurting
Then finally hope beyond hope
A hand reached out
S* G* reached out to me
We sat down
And she listened
She listened to me
And she seemed to care
Wonder beyond wonders
I was not alone!
This must be Jesus I thought
This must be the one who loves me
And then I went to college
And a lot of bad things happened
And I moved out of my moms house
And in with my best friend
I was on birth control
And the moment she found out
Things changed
Jesus seemed to leave
She ran and told everyone who knew me
Told them that I do not know Jesus
Told them I did not love him
Because I was living with my best friend
Therefore I could not love Jesus
And it hurt
Years later I thought I saw Jesus again
The one who said he would walk me down the isle
The one who saw my parents break up
My father threw his addiction
He had a love for me
And I had a love for him
He took me under his wing
He protected me
We would fight like father and daughter
And he would hug me and tell me he was proud of me
I thought, surely, this must be Jesus
Surely this must mean I am not alone
I have found family and love in the church of Christ
But he slept with a woman who was not his wife
And when he broke up with her
He cut me off as well
Even though I had not even known they were together but for a week
He told me not to let him go
He placed the burden of his life upon me
And I thought I could help
So I did a hard thing and went to him
I wanted so badly for him to leave with me that day
But he stayed
What is love
What is Jesus
The church always told me
That if Jesus was in me than everyone would know by my actions
But the church has only shown me
That Jesus is not around

Absolutely *******
******* and your horse
And your perfect family dinners
**** your perfect art exhibition
And **** your scholarships to the perfect college of your dreams
**** your supportive parents and there understanding
**** your beautiful house and your wonderful life
And ******* more for rubbing it in my face

You have everything I ever wanted
You have the career of my dreams handed to you on a ******* silver platter
All because your daddy works at the school
Perfect little preachers daughter
With your wonderful family
And your wonderful life
You speak to your sister
You tell her everything
You say you’ve been depressed
Oh ****, commercial break.

I guess we’re talking again now
You were the only one who called me
I was alone and couldn’t move
And you made sure to talk to me
You called me so many times
Just to chat
Even though you don’t understand me
Even though I don’t try to understand you
You keep trying
And I can’t understand the unending kindness


I know I was the one who cut you off
I know I was the one who left you on read
Didn’t answer your calls or return the voice mails
But absolutely ******* for acting like it didn’t matter
**** your happiness
**** your attitude
**** your perfect life
And **** me even more for not having it....

I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey