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Well hello twenty four
Didn’t hear you knocking at my door
Woke up to happy birthday baby
Me wondering where good morning went
Out the door to early you just missed him
Dancing in the breeze on a whim
Here I am now twenty four
No surprise, there’s still skeletons beneath the floor
The darkness didn’t go away
Like we had hoped
Getting older doesn’t cure it
Just makes it easier to hide
Still wish I had died
Yet here we are at twenty four
In the dessert heat
No reprieve from the sun
But the suns healing
And the healings only begun
So much left to do
With no idea how to start
Just hoping that I can find my heart
Buried it years ago
Now at twenty four
Hoping I can find it, when I open the right door
Life is a very scary thing, I woke up crying this morning, but this was the first birthday I’ve had in years that I didn’t dread
I thought I saw Jesus
I was lost and broken
A helping hand was all I wanted
My heart yearned for warmth
A hand reached out
After I did much begging
After I asked
Asked and asked
My brother had help…
My sister had help…
My best friend had help…
But no one seemed to care when I said I was hurting
Then finally hope beyond hope
A hand reached out
S* G* reached out to me
We sat down
And she listened
She listened to me
And she seemed to care
Wonder beyond wonders
I was not alone!
This must be Jesus I thought
This must be the one who loves me
And then I went to college
And a lot of bad things happened
And I moved out of my moms house
And in with my best friend
I was on birth control
And the moment she found out
Things changed
Jesus seemed to leave
She ran and told everyone who knew me
Told them that I do not know Jesus
Told them I did not love him
Because I was living with my best friend
Therefore I could not love Jesus
And it hurt
Years later I thought I saw Jesus again
The one who said he would walk me down the isle
The one who saw my parents break up
My father threw his addiction
He had a love for me
And I had a love for him
He took me under his wing
He protected me
We would fight like father and daughter
And he would hug me and tell me he was proud of me
I thought, surely, this must be Jesus
Surely this must mean I am not alone
I have found family and love in the church of Christ
But he slept with a woman who was not his wife
And when he broke up with her
He cut me off as well
Even though I had not even known they were together but for a week
He told me not to let him go
He placed the burden of his life upon me
And I thought I could help
So I did a hard thing and went to him
I wanted so badly for him to leave with me that day
But he stayed
What is love
What is Jesus
The church always told me
That if Jesus was in me than everyone would know by my actions
But the church has only shown me
That Jesus is not around
Just honest raw truth that I can’t tell anyone but this poetry website where I first started writing. I found this website as a depressed teen, I have always come back in my hour of reflection, as I have gotten older and life has become busier I find that my priorities have shifted, poetry and Jesus are not high up there, much more important things press on my mind, it’s in the wee hours of the morning that I remember Jesus and poetry will always be there even if I am only a poet in my own fantasy
Absolutely *******
******* and your horse
And your perfect family dinners
**** your perfect art exhibition
And **** your scholarships to the perfect college of your dreams
**** your supportive parents and there understanding
**** your beautiful house and your wonderful life
And ******* more for rubbing it in my face

You have everything I ever wanted
You have the career of my dreams handed to you on a ******* silver platter
All because your daddy works at the school
Perfect little preachers daughter
With your wonderful family
And your wonderful life
You speak to your sister
You tell her everything
You say you’ve been depressed
Oh ****, commercial break.

I guess we’re talking again now
You were the only one who called me
I was alone and couldn’t move
And you made sure to talk to me
You called me so many times
Just to chat
Even though you don’t understand me
Even though I don’t try to understand you
You keep trying
And I can’t understand the unending kindness

I know I was the one who cut you off
I know I was the one who left you on read
Didn’t answer your calls or return the voice mails
But absolutely ******* for acting like it didn’t matter
**** your happiness
**** your attitude
**** your perfect life
And **** me even more for not having it....
It’s been awhile since ive been on here so I can’t remember if language like this is allowed I’m sorry if it is not
I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey
The days blend together with nothing in between
Not even sure if this counts as poetry as much as it is just my rambling thought.
From the dead ravens sorrow
Ran the poor mother
Just a small sparrow
No more together

The dead shall rise
And we will be once more
The difference in size
Will be no more

The mother cry’s
The raven caws
The sparrow dies
Locked in a crocs jaws

The mirror I stare in
Before me now
I bare my sin
Bare, upon my brow

I see a raven stand behind
Cloaked in darkness
I am no more
She had a waist so small he could cup his hands completely around it
This book I read as a young girl
The characters were ooing and ahing about this tiny waisted girl
How pretty she was and how amazing
I remember taking my hands
And trying to reach them around
And they never did reach
I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to play football, and walk around with no shirt
I wanted everyone to think I was a boy
Every boy I read about
Every boy I saw on tv
I mimicked
Boys didn’t get touched
Boys could be safe
So maybe if I acted enough like a boy
I could make it all stop
All the girls my age, there shirts didn’t seem to fit as tight as mine did
My dad said I looked like a ****
My shirts being so tight
My face was red
I didn’t know what I had done
I was just a kid, mom had bought me these clothes
But I had outgrown them they said
I never wore tight clothes again
I wore my clothes baggy
So people couldn’t see me
So they didn’t know how I was framed
We were at a park with some friends one summer day
We were swimming in a creek
I was walking with my mom back to the car
And I heard the cute boys swimming up the way
Say to each other “is that thing a boy or a girl?”
I wanted to cry
I just ran after my mom faster and tried to keep it in
These are the things that make life difficult for women
The things men as understanding and kind as they can be can still never understand
The things that we can’t always put in words
The things we all feel
But rarely have the courage to say
These are the things we as women need to learn how to express so that we may move on and create a new world for little girls
Because until we learn how these problems in us started, we can not learn how to end them.
The two choices
One passionate and overwhelming
Bright as the sun
Like a shining star in the dark of night
Nothing but a blinding light
Fast and furious
Everything all at once
So much love and so much beauty
All a force so strong I can barely say no
The other
A peace so calming
A place in your arms that I call home
A safety that I’ve never felt
A peace and a serenity
A place I can breath
A certainty to things and a lack of fear
Now to decide which I want
And which I need
The two choices
Laying before me
I look in both your eyes
So filled with love
Both in love with me
And unsure of who to pick
I’m drawn of course to one
But my brain is telling me
To stay where it’s safe
But my heart yearns after more
Unsure of what to do
And unsure of where to go
I stay standing
Staring at both choices
Incapable of making a decision
I think I’m in love with two people, I’ve never felt this way before I’m so scared to hurt anyone, but I can’t stop the way I feel
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