Absolutely *******
******* and your horse
And your perfect family dinners
**** your perfect art exhibition
And **** your scholarships to the perfect college of your dreams
**** your supportive parents and there understanding
**** your beautiful house and your wonderful life
And ******* more for rubbing it in my face

You have everything I ever wanted
You have the career of my dreams handed to you on a ******* silver platter
All because your daddy works at the school
Perfect little preachers daughter
With your wonderful family
And your wonderful life
You speak to your sister
You tell her everything
You say you’ve been depressed
Oh ****, commercial break.

I guess we’re talking again now
You were the only one who called me
I was alone and couldn’t move
And you made sure to talk to me
You called me so many times
Just to chat
Even though you don’t understand me
Even though I don’t try to understand you
You keep trying
And I can’t understand the unending kindness


I know I was the one who cut you off
I know I was the one who left you on read
Didn’t answer your calls or return the voice mails
But absolutely ******* for acting like it didn’t matter
**** your happiness
**** your attitude
**** your perfect life
And **** me even more for not having it....

I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey

You said
“Let’s just be friends”
I never thought
That’s how it would end

Who’s fault is it
This pain in my chest
Can I blame you?
Or should I give it a rest

I knew you were no good
From the second
I looked up at you from my hood

Gazing into your perfect eyes
I knew what was next to come
Would not be wise

But I threw caution to the wind
And so too you threw me away
My former friend

All the people I used to know
All those who used to know me
They outnumber those I know now
Seeing them happy
And all the biggest moments they live out
Watching from the side lines
As they post about all the awesome things
That keep happening to them
I see them all
But I’m never there
I’m not the one holding the camera
Smiling and laughing with them
I just leave a comment
Let them know I’m happy their happy
Which I am
I want them to be happy
I just wanted to be happy with them
I guess I never realized that was so much to ask

I stare at this device sitting in my hands
This thing that is supposed to keep me connected
With the rest of the world as it goes around me
I stare at the screen
Waiting
                   Waiting
                                       Waiting

But there’s nothing
The screen remains black
And I’ve never felt more disconnected
With no reality
It’s all a fallacy
There’s nothing real
All these “good” relationships
Are just as fake as I am

My heart is torn in two
From all the painful memories
I got from loving you

The rush
The violence
Insolence
Depression
Ruling our world
Hearts being pulled
And conquered by hate
**** isn’t this great
Go ahead and eat
What’s on your plate
You fixed this meal
So don’t complain
When your wounds won’t heal
Because you picked your scabs
From the places you stabbed
Except this you
That I keep referring too
Isn’t just one soul
Because each of us know
In our own hearts
That we have played our part
In the madness of this world
So why isn’t love being poured?
And kids being nurtured
Instead of silently tortured
Inside some home
Where love has never been shown
Nothing here is fair
So when are we gonna rise up
And actually care?

It’s been three years
I actually fit in here
And yet you want to leave?
Why are my decisions
Never left up to me?
It dosnt matter anyway
No one will ever stay
It’s gotten to now
Where I’m accustomed
To you as you walk away
I guess that now
I know how you look
More from behind
Than in the front
I wish I could rewind
I don’t know what would be different
Or how it would end
But maybe I would be firm
And not bend
When I was made to leave
And told to walk away
Or maybe even you might stay.

There is a weight in my chest
Something that will never rest
My whole body feels nothing but heavy
I’m incredibly unsteady
I can not stand up on my own
I have no one else
I’m all alone....

It’s that time of year
Or so they all say
But I’m holding back a tear
I can’t go a single day

Without this weight over me
It’s all darkness and pain
The lights are bright I see
But it’s all dull in this pouring rain

In my head are monsters and demons
In my thoughts is the pain of past mistakes
All these bright lights will start to break

The beauty that you all see now
Isn’t going to last
These lights and laughter
It will soon be past

And then again
Will reign in the world
All the darkness and sin.

My body filled with hate
All I know of is this eternal pain
All I feel is this cage
Shutting me in
And locking me down
I stay here
Not because I am a prisoner
But because this monster
That controls all my actions
Has completely convinced me
That this darkness
And all this pain
And these chains
These ******* chains
The ones I put on myself
These are what will keep me safe
They protect me from going to far
And from letting someone see who I really am
So as long as they never know
Whenever they abandon me
As they inevitably will
They don't really leave me
For they never knew what that was.

I can't take this pain
I can't live this way
Covered in all my shame
Everyone will go away

I don't want to live
I have no desire to keep going
I have nothing left to give
My scars are all showing

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Now don't cry for me
I know you don't really care
If you did then you would see
That I always wanted to share

All my pain with you
But I kept it inside
Because you don't care
And that's the truth

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Standing on this ledge
The depths below
I close my eyes and lean out
I take a deep breathe and scream out
Opening my eyes I see the world
In a whole new light
I see the sun as it goes down
And I realize I don't want to go with it
There is more life than this current pain and more to life than the storm and rain
So I breathe in deep and get off the ledge
I walk home and I hug the ones I love
And for the first time I realize
I am enough.  

So please please don't let me go
Don't let me be alone
Tell me these thoughts are lies
Show me that you really do care
Don't let me go away
Hold onto me
And don't let me leap
Stand by me when I'm about to plunge into the deep

You're not sleeping tonight
says the pains in my chest
you're not sleeping tonight
says the darkness that will never rest

Death is an underrated masterpiece of a grand artistry
Created by the bleeding out of the eternal soul
In which one loses the sanctity that is this mortal life

To know the depths of joy
You must go the length of sorrow

To see the sun rise
You must get up in the night

Moving forward
And moving on

When all of life
Feels completely gone

Is the only way
To truly see

Who it is
We are meant to be.

I see the pain
Has marked my face
I am nothing
If not a disgrace

The lines that I
Have long drawn
Make me tired
And so I yawn

I look at all this mess
There is no outcome
And so I guess

This is just how it is
Nothing else to this

But I hate that thought
That these relationships
Are simply for nought

I don't want to believe
That this is true
But that's how it seems
Judging by the view

But maybe the view is wrong
Maybe I need to look
For a little bit longer
And maybe the outlook will change

I long to be close
To a human soul
And have each other
Truly know

The inner workings
And the outer show
But instead in my heart
The distance will grow

I am unsure
If its worth the risk
I am not pure

Perhaps that is why
Everyone will fly
Away from me
When they see
Who I really am
And my life is a sham
I am not me
Or who I want to be
But i long to grow
And to show
The world all my work
To let them all look
What the demon took
And see how I went on
And continued living
But yet no one know
And so I am alone.

People are fleeting
Facts are changeable
Truth is relative
Beauty isn't real
Love is non existent
It's all an array
Of various chemicals
Flowing through a mass of muscle
Creating different stimulants
That we have called emotions
But its pointless
Emotions are useless
All anyone truly cares about
Is stimulating
The proper chemical flow
That they long after
In that particular moment.
So why even try?

2 years ago today
2015
You were still in my life
I still saw you almost every day
I heard you when you were screaming
I smelt you when you reeked of alcohol
I came home and saw my mother
When she randomly had a black eye
I felt the sting
When you wouldn't talk to me for weeks
I was in the turmoil
Of not knowing
Wether or not I should say
The secrets I was keeping for everyone else
I was confused and so very alone
But that was all 2 years ago
I haven't heard from you
Not since my birthday
When you bothered to txt me
You actually got it right this year
July 21st
Not June 19th like you always said
But that was it
Just a text
Why does this all still bug me?
I want to get over it.
Most days I think I have,
But some days it still bugs me
And still makes me depressed
And I hate that I still let this all control me
Why is it right when I think I'm finally moving on?
Everything slaps me in the face and I feel stuck.
I don't want to bother anyone with this
I know it's unimportant
But days like today are when I wish I had a friend
Who didn't mind some venting about stuff like this
But none of my friends understand
I always think it's ironic when they vent about parent problems
Because they have no idea
What a real problem even is.

I wear black all the time
I just dyed my natural blonde
To a black so dark
It almost looks deep blue
I love the color black
Its has such beauty
That most people don't seem to see
They see black and think goth
Or they think emo
Or even just think it looks stupid
But I look at black
And see the way the light glances off of it
I see how extra shiny black surfaces look
I love how my black hair darkness my whole face
I love the tough look black things give you
I love the sophistication
Of an all black outfit
I see depth to the color black
And that's why I like it
Because there is more to it
Than what you see at first glance
Just like many people
You glance at who they are
And how they act
And you assume you see it all
But the villains story
Is often just a victims story
Left untold for far too long.

Why is sleep so hard to come by?
Why do I stay up so late?
Why is it at night, my thoughts turn to hate?
I want to sleep
My eyes are heavy
But I can't seem to except it
I can't seem to close my eyes
And I just don't understand why
Im always exhausted
So you would think I would live to sleep
And I do
But getting there is the problem
And often times
Staying there
Seem to be even harder.

I want to cry
My eyes are holding back the tears
As I read all the emotions
As I see all this hurt
I know so many people who hurt
And who ache
And this kills me
This world is so broken
And no one is untouchable
It kills me
Watching as innocent people
Get used
By other people
Who themselves used to be innocent
Until the day wen they were used
And its an endless cycle
Of hurt people
Turning around and hurting more
This endless cycle of pain
So many people screaming that they just want to be loved
And every piece of me
Is dying to scream at them
How much I love them all
But I've done that to some
And im afraid iv only caused more pain
So I'm stuck unable to help
Only able to pray
But the brokenness
Is eating away
And each day
They get more broken
And closer to ending it all
And I know that pain
All too well
That's why I want to help
Because I wouldn't wish my misery on anyone
And I want so desperately to protect them all
But I'm so weak
And there's really nothing I can do
So I sit back and watch this pain and watch this misery
And all I can do is cry out to God to hear these people
And to see the pain
And I feel so helpless
But I know that alone
Is better than anything else I could do

A hand extends
Covered in blood
The hand of a killer
One who has cut
Many people up
And murdered the innocent
And taken lives
Who is so insane
The person who this hand belongs too
Laughs at the very sight
Of the silver dancing with Ruby's
Who laughs as the silver seems to scream out for its companion
Who longs to do the dance
And at first glance
You may not understand
But soon enough young child
You will see the terrors in the night this hand brings
You will scream with fright
You will attempt to hide
But there is no hiding
There is no escaping
There is no way out
Because my truest love
Surely you must see it
Surely you must understand
Everything iv warned you about
Everything iv said
About this hand
And who it's attached
Im just trying to help
Attempting to warn you
You need to stay away
This is not game to play
Flee away you must
Please don't cry
When I tell you who
This awful hand surely belongs too
Its not really shocking
You cant possibly be surprised
But truly I tell you
That this hand is mine
And there are Ruby's my heart longs for
And silver my hand longs to play with
So forgive me
And I hope this dosnt hurt
But you see its just so much fun.

These thoughts
And endless memories
These demons
That scream out my name
These monsters
That always bring me pain
I have no heart
I lost it long ago
On an endless journey
Down the inescapable road
I saw many wonders
And wanderers too
I saw many creatures
All through this journey
Some seemed pleasant
But were wreaked with pain
Others who were dark
But the most glorious light hiding beneath
I've seen many monsters
Both big and small
And I have almost seen them all
Granted there a few who remain unknown
But these to only a few are shown
But that's another story altogether
Mine is just beginning so sit back and listen
This is my journey
Are u watching closer?
No of course not
Its an unimportant story and event
Its a meaningless matter
Just caught up in my brain
Right along next to the novacane
What a wonderful thing
Numbness is
What a wonderful desire
Lack of feeling brings
Its such a wonderful feeling
To feel nothing at all
If only your brain was just too small
You wouldn't understand what I'm trying to say
You wouldn't understand
Because of this exact way
Im saying all my words just right
So that only a few will be taken in the fright
But don't truly fear
Oh no my dear
For it is all over soon
Look I'll make you smile again
Have a balloon
There there now
That's much better
I told you dear
Tears only make you wetter
So do not cry
Don't let it out
Never seek a solitary corner whilst to pout
Put on the strong face
Make sure you don't brake
Crying is for the weak
Don't forget to be meek
But don't let it out
Don't let it show
Hiding is the name of this game
Oh deary, don't you want to play?
Its so much fun
Come come!
I'll teach you the right words to say
Oh **!
You got it right
Its not the words you say
For there are none
You will never see the sun
It's my face you shall see
For together we are we
It is you and I
And now dear one time to die
Yes yes
Let's see those Ruby's run
Let's watch the red come forth to the sun
Oh my! This is such pleasure
This is such a desire
Don't you truly mind these words
Or this nonesense verse
Merely a lunatics craving
And a dead sailors raving
Do tell me if you understand my misbehaving.