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Feb 2 · 30
F**K
Absolutely *******
******* and your horse
And your perfect family dinners
**** your perfect art exhibition
And **** your scholarships to the perfect college of your dreams
**** your supportive parents and there understanding
**** your beautiful house and your wonderful life
And ******* more for rubbing it in my face

You have everything I ever wanted
You have the career of my dreams handed to you on a ******* silver platter
All because your daddy works at the school
Perfect little preachers daughter
With your wonderful family
And your wonderful life
You speak to your sister
You tell her everything
You say you’ve been depressed
Oh ****, commercial break.

I guess we’re talking again now
You were the only one who called me
I was alone and couldn’t move
And you made sure to talk to me
You called me so many times
Just to chat
Even though you don’t understand me
Even though I don’t try to understand you
You keep trying
And I can’t understand the unending kindness


I know I was the one who cut you off
I know I was the one who left you on read
Didn’t answer your calls or return the voice mails
But absolutely ******* for acting like it didn’t matter
**** your happiness
**** your attitude
**** your perfect life
And **** me even more for not having it....
It’s been awhile since ive been on here so I can’t remember if language like this is allowed I’m sorry if it is not
Nov 2020 · 37
Seeing grey
I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey
The days blend together with nothing in between
Not even sure if this counts as poetry as much as it is just my rambling thought.
From the dead ravens sorrow
Ran the poor mother
Just a small sparrow
No more together

The dead shall rise
And we will be once more
The difference in size
Will be no more

The mother cry’s
The raven caws
The sparrow dies
Locked in a crocs jaws

The mirror I stare in
Before me now
I bare my sin
Bare, upon my brow

I see a raven stand behind
Cloaked in darkness
I am no more
Nov 2019 · 1.6k
You are strong lady
She had a waist so small he could cup his hands completely around it
This book I read as a young girl
The characters were ooing and ahing about this tiny waisted girl
How pretty she was and how amazing
I remember taking my hands
And trying to reach them around
And they never did reach
I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to play football, and walk around with no shirt
I wanted everyone to think I was a boy
Every boy I read about
Every boy I saw on tv
I mimicked
Boys didn’t get touched
Boys could be safe
So maybe if I acted enough like a boy
I could make it all stop
All the girls my age, there shirts didn’t seem to fit as tight as mine did
My dad said I looked like a ****
My shirts being so tight
My face was red
I didn’t know what I had done
I was just a kid, mom had bought me these clothes
But I had outgrown them they said
I never wore tight clothes again
I wore my clothes baggy
So people couldn’t see me
So they didn’t know how I was framed
We were at a park with some friends one summer day
We were swimming in a creek
I was walking with my mom back to the car
And I heard the cute boys swimming up the way
Say to each other “is that thing a boy or a girl?”
I wanted to cry
I just ran after my mom faster and tried to keep it in
These are the things that make life difficult for women
The things men as understanding and kind as they can be can still never understand
The things that we can’t always put in words
The things we all feel
But rarely have the courage to say
These are the things we as women need to learn how to express so that we may move on and create a new world for little girls
Because until we learn how these problems in us started, we can not learn how to end them.
Feb 2019 · 206
In love
The two choices
One passionate and overwhelming
Bright as the sun
Like a shining star in the dark of night
Nothing but a blinding light
Fast and furious
Everything all at once
So much love and so much beauty
All a force so strong I can barely say no
The other
A peace so calming
A place in your arms that I call home
A safety that I’ve never felt
A peace and a serenity
A place I can breath
A certainty to things and a lack of fear
Now to decide which I want
And which I need
The two choices
Laying before me
I look in both your eyes
So filled with love
Both in love with me
And unsure of who to pick
I’m drawn of course to one
But my brain is telling me
To stay where it’s safe
But my heart yearns after more
Unsure of what to do
And unsure of where to go
I stay standing
Staring at both choices
Incapable of making a decision
I think I’m in love with two people, I’ve never felt this way before I’m so scared to hurt anyone, but I can’t stop the way I feel
Dec 2018 · 235
First kiss
You were my first kiss
It’s true
No way around it
But when you kissed me
I felt nothing
Except disappointment
I thought your first kiss
Was supposed to be
Life changing
The best
It just
Felt wrong
Out of place
And almost forced
You kissed me
I didn’t kiss you
You wanted me
I tolerated you
But when he kissed me
My stomach did a flip
There were fireworks
Going off in my mind
He took my breath away
You just took my first kiss
I said I loved you
You said you loved me
I knew it wasn’t true
They were just words
But when he touches my face
And pulls away from my lips
To whisper to me his love
My whole body smiles
Yes you were my first kiss
But he is my first love
There’s a boy now and he’s changed my world
There’s a boy now
And I think maybe
He is my world
Oct 2018 · 327
Writing again
I haven't felt this way in awhile
I haven't had any words left in my heart
Each time I sat to write
My soul was vacant
And nothing felt right
Now after all this time
I sit with my laptop on hand
And my words are there
And it feels pure
My lungs finally fill with the air
They have craved for so long
It's been such a dark and lonely road
But with you back in my life
The paradox that somehow
Makes everything feel right
You, the one I thought was gone
You, the one who I tried to forget
You, the one who I did wrong
Giving me a second chance
After all this time
You are the strangest paradox I know
Yet at the end of the day
I can't help but to say
I love you
A poem about a person I once lost
A poem about someone I know can't live without
Aug 2018 · 911
To those who stand apart
Dancing alone
With the company of a thousand stars
Dancing alone
Waiting for someone to love you as you are

I’m the midst of a crowd
Always in, but never a part
Sitting to the side
Creating your own art

On the outskirts of the world
Observing but never knowing
Where you truly belong
So on the waves of the world you keep rowing

Never giving up
Even when the sky is black
And the stars are gone
You know there is no going back

So do what you love
Breathe in the view
And know you are enough.
A happy turn to what I normally write, I’m trying to be more positive. You are enough, your art is good, keep going don’t just do what everyone else is doing do what you love and know you look beautiful doing it.
You said
“Let’s just be friends”
I never thought
That’s how it would end

Who’s fault is it
This pain in my chest
Can I blame you?
Or should I give it a rest

I knew you were no good
From the second
I looked up at you from my hood

Gazing into your perfect eyes
I knew what was next to come
Would not be wise

But I threw caution to the wind
And so too you threw me away
My former friend
Thoughts on a recent relationship and the breakup after
Jul 2018 · 2.0k
F Boy
Hands all over me
Softly carressing all of me
Sensations I didn’t know I could feel
Is any of this
Even real?
You lifted me up and laid me down
Skin to skin
Lips to lips
I felt your hands
Move down my hips
Your eyes so bright and blue
Bringing up these feelings
So strange and new
One night full of bliss
Who knew
I would have to pay like this
A **** Boy
That’s all that you are
I see that now
Just a shooting star
One minute
You bring me hope and light
But you’re always gone
Before the end of the night
Boys will be boys
She said
As if warning me
Not to trust
A word he said
Jul 2018 · 163
Waiting.....Again
A blank slate
An empty plate
A finished meal
The same old wound
That just can’t heal
Stuck in a row
No place to go
Been here an eternity
Lungs fueled by depravity
Smoking up this stuff
Just staring ahead
Longing for my bed
But this line won’t move
I’m stuck in this place
Nothing to do
But dwell on my disgrace
I take a step forward
And he cuts line
Taking away
All that was mine
Two steps back now
It’s just how it goes
Will I be forever?
God only knows.
Depression and ****
Jun 2018 · 134
Is it all in my head?
Dimly lit rooms
In the dead of the night
Dimly lit thoughts
In my bed without light
I lay with these thoughts
Racing through my head
All these voices
Whispering in my bed
Voices of the night
Pillow talk
I run, take flight
I can’t even walk
I’m stuck in an up,
In a down
I bow my head
Only I know of my crown
I wear it for this kingdom below
I wear it for the sins
I chose not to show
You want to talk
And you want to hear
But you can not ever know
Who I am, my dear.
People act like they want to know you. But do they? They act like your story is something special, but if something is special you don’t give it to just anyone do you?
May 2018 · 174
I am happy for you
All the people I used to know
All those who used to know me
They outnumber those I know now
Seeing them happy
And all the biggest moments they live out
Watching from the side lines
As they post about all the awesome things
That keep happening to them
I see them all
But I’m never there
I’m not the one holding the camera
Smiling and laughing with them
I just leave a comment
Let them know I’m happy their happy
Which I am
I want them to be happy
I just wanted to be happy with them
I guess I never realized that was so much to ask
It ***** when the people who you used to value the most kinda forget you exist
May 2018 · 175
Just words?
I desire
To write something good
I want
To write words of hope
But I think
To write such beautiful words
You need
To have something beautiful inside you
I’m afraid
That that’s simple not my case
So it’s just
These weird lines I write
That have
No real meaning or merit
And no one
Understands what they all really mean
Neither do I though
Just a poem
May 2018 · 105
Fallacy
I stare at this device sitting in my hands
This thing that is supposed to keep me connected
With the rest of the world as it goes around me
I stare at the screen
Waiting
                   Waiting
                                       Waiting

But there’s nothing
The screen remains black
And I’ve never felt more disconnected
With no reality
It’s all a fallacy
There’s nothing real
All these “good” relationships
Are just as fake as I am
Most of life is just pretend
May 2018 · 348
Hands and Feet
The way your eyes became filled with tears
As I showed to you
All my darkest fears
I spoke to you of all my demons
And time and again
How I had seen them
Dancing through my mind
Filling me up with lies
Holding me in a bind
And you reached out your hand
Time and time again
Most times I shoved you away
I would lie to your face
Telling you I’m fine
But you never turned away
You told me you would stay
And you were true to your word
And through all this time
I never could see it
But you are the hands and feet of Jesus
I questioned his love
Thinking I could not be enough
I felt all alone
Even when I was not
I was surrounded by his love
But my eyes they were blind
And you reached out your hand
Over and over again
Finally over time
I see that the hand I called yours
The hand I rejected
Was never truly yours
But it was the scarred hand of Jesus
Reaching out to me
And I see how he used you
To change my life
And finally I believe in his overwhelming love
And I want to be used
To help others too
I want to be
The hands and feet of Jesus
This is a poem about one of the most fckinv awesome women I have ever met. She has helped through so so many hard times and she never once gave up on me. Even when I avoided her for weeks and ignored her even still she pursued me, never getting anything out of our relationship for herself she just wanted to help me. I want to be like her one day.
Apr 2018 · 536
Torn
My heart is torn in two
From all the painful memories
I got from loving you
I still miss him
Mar 2018 · 209
Actually care
The rush
The violence
Insolence
Depression
Ruling our world
Hearts being pulled
And conquered by hate
**** isn’t this great
Go ahead and eat
What’s on your plate
You fixed this meal
So don’t complain
When your wounds won’t heal
Because you picked your scabs
From the places you stabbed
Except this you
That I keep referring too
Isn’t just one soul
Because each of us know
In our own hearts
That we have played our part
In the madness of this world
So why isn’t love being poured?
And kids being nurtured
Instead of silently tortured
Inside some home
Where love has never been shown
Nothing here is fair
So when are we gonna rise up
And actually care?
Just watching the news lately and hearing about the case with the kids who were being tortured by their own parents so sad, but I believe we can change this world if we really try and each of us doing our own small things will help.
Feb 2018 · 360
Perspective
I stand alone in the crowd
The only one who won’t go out
All alone in a wave
Of these people who only crave
To hear what puts on the fake smiles
And none of them go many miles
Before they realize
That dead gaze in their eyes
But they don’t care
They won’t give up the lies
So they bicker and fight
And I try and choose flight
But I get dragged down
I can’t breathe I begin to drown
I wake up in a cold sweat
Is this life over with yet?
This is just a poem about the world and how we view it and how it is viewed and maybe in it you can see what might be truth
Jan 2018 · 294
Leaving..... again
It’s been three years
I actually fit in here
And yet you want to leave?
Why are my decisions
Never left up to me?
It dosnt matter anyway
No one will ever stay
It’s gotten to now
Where I’m accustomed
To you as you walk away
I guess that now
I know how you look
More from behind
Than in the front
I wish I could rewind
I don’t know what would be different
Or how it would end
But maybe I would be firm
And not bend
When I was made to leave
And told to walk away
Or maybe even you might stay.
Just my thoughts one life atm hopefully will be better eventually.......
Jan 2018 · 159
Me and my big mouth
Every time I opened my mouth someone left.
So I guess I just stopped opening my mouth...
Thoughts and stuff
Dec 2017 · 389
The weight
There is a weight in my chest
Something that will never rest
My whole body feels nothing but heavy
I’m incredibly unsteady
I can not stand up on my own
I have no one else
I’m all alone....
Just sad thoughts and stuff
Dec 2017 · 599
Beauty in ash
I walk this field
All turned to ash
The fire will never yield
So I turn and I ask
“How did this forest
Once beautiful and strong
Become so dark?”
It just all seemed wrong
There was none to answer
My question was fate
It cried to wind
Still not answered to date
So I strolled on in the ash
Walking through the burning
All in worse state than trash
As I walked I began to weep
No longer able to stand
All the pain that I saw
I fell with my head in hand
And I wept and I cried
At seeing all this beauty
And imaging how it died
I couldn’t imagine
Anything good coming from this
So I cried and I wished
That it would just burn me up too
Then maybe I wouldn’t have to see
And I could just be
It would all be well
If I never had to tell
And I never had to see
All the ash
And blatant misery
But from my sobbing I paused
When I looked up
And to my surprise I saw
A young flower
A daisy
All yellow and golden
I was suddenly cold then
As chills ran down me
And I could no longer weep
I stood up
I began to leap
For in the ash
And through the flame
Had produced such beauty of fame
Something so amazing
And elegant
My mind now fervently spent
I saw that through it all
There was still good
And there was more than just the ash
I was talking to a friend about seeing the good in the world despite the pain and anyway that conversation inspired this so there.
Dec 2017 · 170
That time of year
It’s that time of year
Or so they all say
But I’m holding back a tear
I can’t go a single day

Without this weight over me
It’s all darkness and pain
The lights are bright I see
But it’s all dull in this pouring rain

In my head are monsters and demons
In my thoughts is the pain of past mistakes
All these bright lights will start to break

The beauty that you all see now
Isn’t going to last
These lights and laughter
It will soon be past

And then again
Will reign in the world
All the darkness and sin.
Christmas time used to be magical and fun to me. Now it all just seems so shallow and void.
Dec 2017 · 171
Fake
It takes all of my energy to fake it for everyone else
So please
Just don’t make me fake it for you
Depression is something I don’t feel like I can show most people. But there are some people I just don’t want to have to pretend to be ok around
Oct 2017 · 267
Can I just say
Can I just say,
Well today was really great,
And I had a lot of fun,
And well,
Can I just say,
I really liked sitting next you,
I know it sound lame,
Maybe even childish,
But man,
Can I just say,
Sitting next you,
I feel safe,
You make me feel safe,
And can I just say,
That I really like your school,
And I really want to go,
I can’t wait until I go,
And can I just say,
That when we hang out,
And when you look at me,
I feel special,
And can I just say,
I really do like you.
Just a poem about a boi XD
Oct 2017 · 880
Walking through my soul
I gaze out of my soul
All I see are the holes
Left in the world of death
Nothing left to bless
It's all gone to hell
I shrug and say "oh well"
As I continue my stroll
Through my endless soul
No longer searching
Just silently lurking
Hoping to find the thing
I know I long after
Hoping to find hope
Some way to cope
And I *****
At these walls that block me off
Screaming for someone to see
And screaming for them to leave me be
I begin to run
And I try and hide
I can not move
I will not be satisfied
With what I see
And the darkness inside me
I leap out of my soul
And stop looking inside myself
And finally I reach out for help
Because I myself can not save me
I myself am not the key
I am nothing but meager dust
In myself am nothingness
I look outside myself
And I see the light
And suddenly everything is no longer night.
Sep 2017 · 231
Chains
My body filled with hate
All I know of is this eternal pain
All I feel is this cage
Shutting me in
And locking me down
I stay here
Not because I am a prisoner
But because this monster
That controls all my actions
Has completely convinced me
That this darkness
And all this pain
And these chains
These ******* chains
The ones I put on myself
These are what will keep me safe
They protect me from going to far
And from letting someone see who I really am
So as long as they never know
Whenever they abandon me
As they inevitably will
They don't really leave me
For they never knew what that was.
Don't let them in
Don't show them you
The darkness will win
This isn't new

You can not trust
You can not let them see
Listen closely for you must
Never let them know

The darkness you possess
Is simply far too much
If they knew
If they saw
Trust me
They would leave.
Sep 2017 · 211
Please
I can't take this pain
I can't live this way
Covered in all my shame
Everyone will go away

I don't want to live
I have no desire to keep going
I have nothing left to give
My scars are all showing

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Now don't cry for me
I know you don't really care
If you did then you would see
That I always wanted to share

All my pain with you
But I kept it inside
Because you don't care
And that's the truth

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Standing on this ledge
The depths below
I close my eyes and lean out
I take a deep breathe and scream out
Opening my eyes I see the world
In a whole new light
I see the sun as it goes down
And I realize I don't want to go with it
There is more life than this current pain and more to life than the storm and rain
So I breathe in deep and get off the ledge
I walk home and I hug the ones I love
And for the first time I realize
I am enough.  

So please please don't let me go
Don't let me be alone
Tell me these thoughts are lies
Show me that you really do care
Don't let me go away
Hold onto me
And don't let me leap
Stand by me when I'm about to plunge into the deep
Sort of a song I have no tune for it but I like the words
Sep 2017 · 142
No title needed
If I'm alone
And if I don't talk
And if I just act OK
I wondered if anyone would notice
If anyone would stay
But in the end of all things
It dosnt really matter
Because in the end
We are all truly alone.
Nonesense rhymes
For all the deadly times
The voices in my head keep screaming
And my alarm clock keeps ringing
But I'm tired
So just leave me alone
I think I'll just stay here at home
Go one just leave me
You probably were going too anyways
Your eyes tell a story
And I just want to listen
But the way your lips are moving
It's making everything confusing
Your eyes are screaming
There must be so much pain
But the smile that's always on those lips
Makes it hard to hear but when they slip
I can listen well
And I can hear the words your lips never tell
I can see in your eyes
And I think I'm beginning to realize
Who you really are
Its not all that hard
You just have to shut your ears
And spot out the lies
You paint for everyone to see
And just look at your eyes
Which have meant so much to me
And slowly I see
Who you really are
And I don't know the full picture
And I can't pretend to know you well
But its not like
That isn't the intention
But I want to get past
This constant mask
And see into your eyes
And have your lips and eyes match
And be able to tell when they don't
So many people feel they have to hide their pain and their scars and who they really are. But those are often the most beautiful parts of a person and once you can see those parts you know who the person really is.
Sep 2017 · 168
Not sleeping
You're not sleeping tonight
says the pains in my chest
you're not sleeping tonight
says the darkness that will never rest
Short lil poem thanks rose for the inspiration to do a short one :)
Aug 2017 · 408
More to life than death
Those moments fueled by pain
It had just started to rain
No sun was seen in the sky
I was being passed by everyone walking by
No one knew my struggles
No one saw the tears
Or how I made it through the years
Dragging that knife across my skin
The blood would always win
So I figured it would be best
To end it like this
With the slashes on my wrist
And the blood would get to be
The final thing I would see
So I walked until I was alone
No where near any home
And I pulled out the knife
Prepared to take my life
But before I could
I just silently stood
Staring at my wrist
Thinking of this
And how I would never again see
My friends, or family
And sure I thought no one cares
So why does it matter?
But one friend had talked to me
And began to teach me to see
The world a little differently
And I thought of how this would affect
And I thought of those people who smiled and waved
And never knew the darkness I craved
And how I wondered how I would feel
If they were to do the thing I was about to do
And I started to cry
And though my heart
Still longed to die
I no longer had the strength to even hold the blade
And so on I lived
And some time later
Im glad I did
It has always been hard
But life is so much more than what it seems
It always has more in store
Than what we see
And for almost the first time
Im glad to be alive.
Suicide is never actually a viable option as much as it may feel like a good idea or that everyone wouod be better off without you it's simply not true. Stay strong. You can keep going
Aug 2017 · 222
Masterpiece
Death is an underrated masterpiece of a grand artistry
Created by the bleeding out of the eternal soul
In which one loses the sanctity that is this mortal life
Short poem with probably way to many big words for my small vocabulary.
Aug 2017 · 548
Ecclesiastes 7:3
To know the depths of joy
You must go the length of sorrow

To see the sun rise
You must get up in the night

Moving forward
And moving on

When all of life
Feels completely gone

Is the only way
To truly see

Who it is
We are meant to be.
I actually really like it is, and it really comes from a cool place for me, like its weird to say this means a lot to me cuz I wrote it and that sounds so arrogant and its not cuz I think its good it just really speaks to me.
Oh also this isn't a quote from Ecclesiastes it's inspired by the verse
I see the pain
Has marked my face
I am nothing
If not a disgrace

The lines that I
Have long drawn
Make me tired
And so I yawn

I look at all this mess
There is no outcome
And so I guess

This is just how it is
Nothing else to this

But I hate that thought
That these relationships
Are simply for nought

I don't want to believe
That this is true
But that's how it seems
Judging by the view

But maybe the view is wrong
Maybe I need to look
For a little bit longer
And maybe the outlook will change

I long to be close
To a human soul
And have each other
Truly know

The inner workings
And the outer show
But instead in my heart
The distance will grow

I am unsure
If its worth the risk
I am not pure

Perhaps that is why
Everyone will fly
Away from me
When they see
Who I really am
And my life is a sham
I am not me
Or who I want to be
But i long to grow
And to show
The world all my work
To let them all look
What the demon took
And see how I went on
And continued living
But yet no one know
And so I am alone.
Random nothingness my poems seem to be getting worse and worse the more I write.
Aug 2017 · 115
Chemical flow
People are fleeting
Facts are changeable
Truth is relative
Beauty isn't real
Love is non existent
It's all an array
Of various chemicals
Flowing through a mass of muscle
Creating different stimulants
That we have called emotions
But its pointless
Emotions are useless
All anyone truly cares about
Is stimulating
The proper chemical flow
That they long after
In that particular moment.
So why even try?
Just random thoughts on various facts and realities including relationships and needless emotions
2 years ago today
2015
You were still in my life
I still saw you almost every day
I heard you when you were screaming
I smelt you when you reeked of alcohol
I came home and saw my mother
When she randomly had a black eye
I felt the sting
When you wouldn't talk to me for weeks
I was in the turmoil
Of not knowing
Wether or not I should say
The secrets I was keeping for everyone else
I was confused and so very alone
But that was all 2 years ago
I haven't heard from you
Not since my birthday
When you bothered to txt me
You actually got it right this year
July 21st
Not June 19th like you always said
But that was it
Just a text
Why does this all still bug me?
I want to get over it.
Most days I think I have,
But some days it still bugs me
And still makes me depressed
And I hate that I still let this all control me
Why is it right when I think I'm finally moving on?
Everything slaps me in the face and I feel stuck.
I don't want to bother anyone with this
I know it's unimportant
But days like today are when I wish I had a friend
Who didn't mind some venting about stuff like this
But none of my friends understand
I always think it's ironic when they vent about parent problems
Because they have no idea
What a real problem even is.
Random thoughts and emotions that are truly irrelevant
Aug 2017 · 339
The color black
I wear black all the time
I just dyed my natural blonde
To a black so dark
It almost looks deep blue
I love the color black
Its has such beauty
That most people don't seem to see
They see black and think goth
Or they think emo
Or even just think it looks stupid
But I look at black
And see the way the light glances off of it
I see how extra shiny black surfaces look
I love how my black hair darkness my whole face
I love the tough look black things give you
I love the sophistication
Of an all black outfit
I see depth to the color black
And that's why I like it
Because there is more to it
Than what you see at first glance
Just like many people
You glance at who they are
And how they act
And you assume you see it all
But the villains story
Is often just a victims story
Left untold for far too long.
Black is a beautiful color even if it often represents darkness and pain, you can find beauty in the strangest places, if you are just willing to look.
Why is sleep so hard to come by?
Why do I stay up so late?
Why is it at night, my thoughts turn to hate?
I want to sleep
My eyes are heavy
But I can't seem to except it
I can't seem to close my eyes
And I just don't understand why
Im always exhausted
So you would think I would live to sleep
And I do
But getting there is the problem
And often times
Staying there
Seem to be even harder.
Uuggghhh im tired XD
Aug 2017 · 428
Alone
The sad part is
I think I was right
No one stays
In those dark nights
In those times
Im
All
Alone
And I will be
All
Alone
And that's how it is
I just have to deal
I want this wound
To just finally heal
But every time
I open myself up
They just seem to leave
And so again
Im
Alone
That's just how it goes
But no worries
I've learned to enjoy it
I
Actually
Like
Being
Alone
Just random thoughts and nothingness that exists inside my head.
Aug 2017 · 132
Is there more?
Pain is everywhere
It's all over this world
I see it in everyone
No one is spared

Its in the child
Whose innocence was taken

Its the grown man
Who can't function a day
Without the help of a substance

Its in the mom who is all alone
And who is simply trying
To make this broken house
Feel like a home.

Is there anything else?
All I see is pain.
Is there nothing but this vacancy,
That consumes my being?
Is this all there is?
Surely there is more than this.

I see the pain
In the teenager
Who draws lines on his skin
That wont just leave
But atleast this pain can be covered by his sleeve

I see it in the girl who gives herself away
To any man
Who she thinks she can make stay

I see it in the strong
Who make themselves keep moving on
For everyone else around them
But inside they just want to die.

Surely there is more
I'm telling you there has to be more.
I close my eyes
And I start to cry
I open them and look up to the sky
I want to scream at God
"How could you let this happen?"
"Where are you now, when all I see and all I feel is the pain?"
But I don't say a word
Because I know this simple truth
If God does exist
And I bet my life he has too
I have no right to ask him no I have no right to demand an answer
I can not understand who he is
Or how big his plans are
So I close my eyes
And I thank him for the life I have

And I say to the child, and to the grown man, to the mom, and the teen, to the girl, and to the strong,
I tell them thy can keep moving on.
I have no positive answers and I'm sorry if that's not enough for you. But I believe its the truth and as for me I would rather embrace the painful truth than live in a comfortable lie.
Not very well written , sorry! Im not even sure I'm saying what I'm thinking in the right way just thoughts I have and figured I'd put them down.
Aug 2017 · 279
The big dance
The lights
The noise
The music
The sounds
The voices
The dance
The life
It brings
Both vibrancy
And anxiety
Both life
And death
Most everyone
Loves it all
But not I
I love
And I hate
There is dark
And light
It's all
A paradox
Just as
Am I.
There is this dance thing every Saturday night in the summer, and my friends and I have started going a lot, it's a lot of fun but it also makes me anxious.
Aug 2017 · 458
Hide and Seek
Life is a game
Of hide and go seek
Its not yet time
For you to peek

You must go hide
And try not to be found
You can not wish to
Have ever died

That is one piece to hide
You can not long after blood
Hide that too

But most of all
Remember this
You must simply hide all of you
Paint up a fake and trick them all
And watch as they fall
For the fake
And now you feel safe
But look at them laughing
And all having a blast
Guilt overwhelms
So you crawl out of hiding
And want to help seek
But the weather outside is hot
And you notice they are not
What they at first appear
For there paint is running
And soon so are you
But you leave your fake laughing
Just in case
It was only sweat you saw
But you have to be careful
Because this is hide and seek
And you never know
Exactly how much to show
So again you hide
And curl around yourself
Because while the one who looks like you
Is out having fun
And is enjoying the company
Of many different people
You have never been more alone.
Random thoughts on life and relationships
Jul 2017 · 549
A desperate cry
I want to cry
My eyes are holding back the tears
As I read all the emotions
As I see all this hurt
I know so many people who hurt
And who ache
And this kills me
This world is so broken
And no one is untouchable
It kills me
Watching as innocent people
Get used
By other people
Who themselves used to be innocent
Until the day wen they were used
And its an endless cycle
Of hurt people
Turning around and hurting more
This endless cycle of pain
So many people screaming that they just want to be loved
And every piece of me
Is dying to scream at them
How much I love them all
But I've done that to some
And im afraid iv only caused more pain
So I'm stuck unable to help
Only able to pray
But the brokenness
Is eating away
And each day
They get more broken
And closer to ending it all
And I know that pain
All too well
That's why I want to help
Because I wouldn't wish my misery on anyone
And I want so desperately to protect them all
But I'm so weak
And there's really nothing I can do
So I sit back and watch this pain and watch this misery
And all I can do is cry out to God to hear these people
And to see the pain
And I feel so helpless
But I know that alone
Is better than anything else I could do
So many people are hurting. And I don't think most people see the pain of everyone around them. They seem to think no one has it as bad as they do. But just because the pain is hidden doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Jul 2017 · 152
The hand
A hand extends
Covered in blood
The hand of a killer
One who has cut
Many people up
And murdered the innocent
And taken lives
Who is so insane
The person who this hand belongs too
Laughs at the very sight
Of the silver dancing with Ruby's
Who laughs as the silver seems to scream out for its companion
Who longs to do the dance
And at first glance
You may not understand
But soon enough young child
You will see the terrors in the night this hand brings
You will scream with fright
You will attempt to hide
But there is no hiding
There is no escaping
There is no way out
Because my truest love
Surely you must see it
Surely you must understand
Everything iv warned you about
Everything iv said
About this hand
And who it's attached
Im just trying to help
Attempting to warn you
You need to stay away
This is not game to play
Flee away you must
Please don't cry
When I tell you who
This awful hand surely belongs too
Its not really shocking
You cant possibly be surprised
But truly I tell you
That this hand is mine
And there are Ruby's my heart longs for
And silver my hand longs to play with
So forgive me
And I hope this dosnt hurt
But you see its just so much fun.
An old poem I recently found I forgot I wrote it, but I kinda like it so there
These thoughts
And endless memories
These demons
That scream out my name
These monsters
That always bring me pain
I have no heart
I lost it long ago
On an endless journey
Down the inescapable road
I saw many wonders
And wanderers too
I saw many creatures
All through this journey
Some seemed pleasant
But were wreaked with pain
Others who were dark
But the most glorious light hiding beneath
I've seen many monsters
Both big and small
And I have almost seen them all
Granted there a few who remain unknown
But these to only a few are shown
But that's another story altogether
Mine is just beginning so sit back and listen
This is my journey
Are u watching closer?
No of course not
Its an unimportant story and event
Its a meaningless matter
Just caught up in my brain
Right along next to the novacane
What a wonderful thing
Numbness is
What a wonderful desire
Lack of feeling brings
Its such a wonderful feeling
To feel nothing at all
If only your brain was just too small
You wouldn't understand what I'm trying to say
You wouldn't understand
Because of this exact way
Im saying all my words just right
So that only a few will be taken in the fright
But don't truly fear
Oh no my dear
For it is all over soon
Look I'll make you smile again
Have a balloon
There there now
That's much better
I told you dear
Tears only make you wetter
So do not cry
Don't let it out
Never seek a solitary corner whilst to pout
Put on the strong face
Make sure you don't brake
Crying is for the weak
Don't forget to be meek
But don't let it out
Don't let it show
Hiding is the name of this game
Oh deary, don't you want to play?
Its so much fun
Come come!
I'll teach you the right words to say
Oh **!
You got it right
Its not the words you say
For there are none
You will never see the sun
It's my face you shall see
For together we are we
It is you and I
And now dear one time to die
Yes yes
Let's see those Ruby's run
Let's watch the red come forth to the sun
Oh my! This is such pleasure
This is such a desire
Don't you truly mind these words
Or this nonesense verse
Merely a lunatics craving
And a dead sailors raving
Do tell me if you understand my misbehaving.
Jul 2017 · 257
All that I need
Failing,
It's all that I do,
Failure,
It's all that I am,
Until I open my eyes,
And look to you.
I cling to the truth,
It's all that I know,
All these doubts,
And the pain starts to grow.
But I close my eyes,
And I know,
This one thing I trust,
When there is nothing else,
I cling to the cross,
Jesus died for me.
My failures have been washed away,
All this guilt,
It doesn't have to stay.
I know who I am,
And where I belong.
And that's all I need,
To start to move on.
I would be dead if it wasn't for Christ, so how can I not look to him? I always mess up and think I can do things on my own. But I can't I so desperately need him
Jul 2017 · 342
Losing heart
The knife was dragged down my chest,
Slowly pulling apart skin and bone,
My heart beating clearly shown,
The long claw like hand,
Reached into the crevice,
That was once my whole chest,
There the hand lay to rest,
My heart beating quicker,
Slowly began to be pulled away,
I screamed but unable to move,
So standing there staring I just stayed,
I stared at my heart now in his hand,
I couldn't breathe,
And didn't dare scream,
Because my last breathe was not going to be spent like that,
I continued to stare at my heart,
The monster howled with delight,
And gave an awful grin,
It seemed insanely pleased,
With what I surely hope was an awful sin,
But I had no time to think on that,
For soon was coming my last breathe,
I could feel nothing but the chasm in my soul,
Wondering how could I ever again be whole?
I began to fall to the ground,
The monsters laughter did abound,
And as I closed my eyes in that last moment,
As the darkness surrounded,
And I felt nothing,
A single thought entered my mind,
I began to play back and slowly rewind,
As I saw in my mind,
I watched the monster rip out my heart,
But I also saw how I stood doing nothing,
And I knew in my last moment,
I could have stopped him,
And I wondered if I could somehow have the chance to try again.....
Just a story
Jul 2017 · 542
Taco
Sometimes life can be a lot like a taco
It's all falling apart, but it still tastes good.
Kinda just a funny thought I had. But also has a legit point, life might be falling apart right now and it seems like nothing is going right, but no matter how much it *****, life is a gift, you can enjoy it, it will be crazy hard to do at times, but if you look around you, there is atleast one thing I promise that you can find that is worth living for, because life really is beautiful even with all the pain it brings.
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