My body filled with hate
All I know of is this eternal pain
All I feel is this cage
Shutting me in
And locking me down
I stay here
Not because I am a prisoner
But because this monster
That controls all my actions
Has completely convinced me
That this darkness
And all this pain
And these chains
These ******* chains
The ones I put on myself
These are what will keep me safe
They protect me from going to far
And from letting someone see who I really am
So as long as they never know
Whenever they abandon me
As they inevitably will
They don't really leave me
For they never knew what that was.

I know I'm a failure,
But I'm a failure who's gonna keep on trying.

Im consumed by these thoughts
I hate these feelings
That i just cant cross
Out of my mind and dreamings

They consume me
I dont want too
But here i am i can see
How all i can think of is you

Its all you fault
For making me like you
For consuming me every thought
And it ***** cuz ik you cant like me too

So im just stuck here
With these emotions
And i dont want to care
So these thoughts i try to shun

But i cant stop myself
I really have tried
Its not like iv cried
Over you
Its just sad
That you will never like me too

Death is an underrated masterpiece of a grand artistry
Created by the bleeding out of the eternal soul
In which one loses the sanctity that is this mortal life

The rush
The violence
Insolence
Depression
Ruling our world
Hearts being pulled
And conquered by hate
**** isn’t this great
Go ahead and eat
What’s on your plate
You fixed this meal
So don’t complain
When your wounds won’t heal
Because you picked your scabs
From the places you stabbed
Except this you
That I keep referring too
Isn’t just one soul
Because each of us know
In our own hearts
That we have played our part
In the madness of this world
So why isn’t love being poured?
And kids being nurtured
Instead of silently tortured
Inside some home
Where love has never been shown
Nothing here is fair
So when are we gonna rise up
And actually care?

You wont even speak
Why is it me?
Why am i so weak?
What is it you want me to be?

I was never enough
You never liked me
Childhood was rough
I wanted to see

You smile at me just once
I wanted to feel loved
But its over now
Im all grown up
And youve made your point
Im unwanted
You dont care
And thats ok
Its not like im losing anything
You never there
I dont know why
I was the one
That you would always shun
But i was
And now you wont talk
All i wanted was an answer
But i got nothing
Your like a cancer
And im done
Letting you **** me
Im moving on
Ill choose who I'll be
I wont let you control me
Im moving on

I can't take this pain
I can't live this way
Covered in all my shame
Everyone will go away

I don't want to live
I have no desire to keep going
I have nothing left to give
My scars are all showing

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Now don't cry for me
I know you don't really care
If you did then you would see
That I always wanted to share

All my pain with you
But I kept it inside
Because you don't care
And that's the truth

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Standing on this ledge
The depths below
I close my eyes and lean out
I take a deep breathe and scream out
Opening my eyes I see the world
In a whole new light
I see the sun as it goes down
And I realize I don't want to go with it
There is more life than this current pain and more to life than the storm and rain
So I breathe in deep and get off the ledge
I walk home and I hug the ones I love
And for the first time I realize
I am enough.  

So please please don't let me go
Don't let me be alone
Tell me these thoughts are lies
Show me that you really do care
Don't let me go away
Hold onto me
And don't let me leap
Stand by me when I'm about to plunge into the deep

All the people I used to know
All those who used to know me
They outnumber those I know now
Seeing them happy
And all the biggest moments they live out
Watching from the side lines
As they post about all the awesome things
That keep happening to them
I see them all
But I’m never there
I’m not the one holding the camera
Smiling and laughing with them
I just leave a comment
Let them know I’m happy their happy
Which I am
I want them to be happy
I just wanted to be happy with them
I guess I never realized that was so much to ask

I hate that i spoke
I hate that i opened my mouth
I hate that that hurt u
I hate that i let that hurt me
I hate that i let that get to me
I hate that i said anything to u
I hate how affected i was
I hate that it was nothing
I hate that i was overthinking
I hate that i did this
I hate how stupid i am
I hate the way u must see me now
I hate that i did this
But i love that for some reason u dont hate me

Im dying inside
My life is a mess
Failing at everything
Im an idiot
Nothing matters anymore
End my life, please

These thoughts
And endless memories
These demons
That scream out my name
These monsters
That always bring me pain
I have no heart
I lost it long ago
On an endless journey
Down the inescapable road
I saw many wonders
And wanderers too
I saw many creatures
All through this journey
Some seemed pleasant
But were wreaked with pain
Others who were dark
But the most glorious light hiding beneath
I've seen many monsters
Both big and small
And I have almost seen them all
Granted there a few who remain unknown
But these to only a few are shown
But that's another story altogether
Mine is just beginning so sit back and listen
This is my journey
Are u watching closer?
No of course not
Its an unimportant story and event
Its a meaningless matter
Just caught up in my brain
Right along next to the novacane
What a wonderful thing
Numbness is
What a wonderful desire
Lack of feeling brings
Its such a wonderful feeling
To feel nothing at all
If only your brain was just too small
You wouldn't understand what I'm trying to say
You wouldn't understand
Because of this exact way
Im saying all my words just right
So that only a few will be taken in the fright
But don't truly fear
Oh no my dear
For it is all over soon
Look I'll make you smile again
Have a balloon
There there now
That's much better
I told you dear
Tears only make you wetter
So do not cry
Don't let it out
Never seek a solitary corner whilst to pout
Put on the strong face
Make sure you don't brake
Crying is for the weak
Don't forget to be meek
But don't let it out
Don't let it show
Hiding is the name of this game
Oh deary, don't you want to play?
Its so much fun
Come come!
I'll teach you the right words to say
Oh **!
You got it right
Its not the words you say
For there are none
You will never see the sun
It's my face you shall see
For together we are we
It is you and I
And now dear one time to die
Yes yes
Let's see those Ruby's run
Let's watch the red come forth to the sun
Oh my! This is such pleasure
This is such a desire
Don't you truly mind these words
Or this nonesense verse
Merely a lunatics craving
And a dead sailors raving
Do tell me if you understand my misbehaving.

What are dreams?
I have had dreams of death
Where i watch myself steal away anothers breath
Where i **** others that i love
But then some dreams are soft as a lily white dove
And these dreams seem to disapear faster
They dont linger
And yet there are others still
The ones that i control through my own will
These are the ones that must always stay
And im trying to find a way
To keep these dreams alive
But i have to constantly revive
But if thats what it takes
Its what ill do
Because im done giving up on you
Im done not letting people in
I dont care if they know my sin
Thats my dream you see
To feel comfortable as me
I want to be a people person
I want to talk freely
And to just openly speak
But i get so weak
But ill keep trying and continue striving
I wong give up on my dream

2 years ago today
2015
You were still in my life
I still saw you almost every day
I heard you when you were screaming
I smelt you when you reeked of alcohol
I came home and saw my mother
When she randomly had a black eye
I felt the sting
When you wouldn't talk to me for weeks
I was in the turmoil
Of not knowing
Wether or not I should say
The secrets I was keeping for everyone else
I was confused and so very alone
But that was all 2 years ago
I haven't heard from you
Not since my birthday
When you bothered to txt me
You actually got it right this year
July 21st
Not June 19th like you always said
But that was it
Just a text
Why does this all still bug me?
I want to get over it.
Most days I think I have,
But some days it still bugs me
And still makes me depressed
And I hate that I still let this all control me
Why is it right when I think I'm finally moving on?
Everything slaps me in the face and I feel stuck.
I don't want to bother anyone with this
I know it's unimportant
But days like today are when I wish I had a friend
Who didn't mind some venting about stuff like this
But none of my friends understand
I always think it's ironic when they vent about parent problems
Because they have no idea
What a real problem even is.

You're not sleeping tonight
says the pains in my chest
you're not sleeping tonight
says the darkness that will never rest

I just keep scrolling thru
All these poems
Looking for you
I want a friend
I never realized before
How old most ppl on this site are
Come on teens
Lets raise the bar
Lets write out our feelings
And talk to one another
Were all just lonely souls

Why is sleep so hard to come by?
Why do I stay up so late?
Why is it at night, my thoughts turn to hate?
I want to sleep
My eyes are heavy
But I can't seem to except it
I can't seem to close my eyes
And I just don't understand why
Im always exhausted
So you would think I would live to sleep
And I do
But getting there is the problem
And often times
Staying there
Seem to be even harder.

It’s that time of year
Or so they all say
But I’m holding back a tear
I can’t go a single day

Without this weight over me
It’s all darkness and pain
The lights are bright I see
But it’s all dull in this pouring rain

In my head are monsters and demons
In my thoughts is the pain of past mistakes
All these bright lights will start to break

The beauty that you all see now
Isn’t going to last
These lights and laughter
It will soon be past

And then again
Will reign in the world
All the darkness and sin.

As she walked through the forest
Daydreams caught in her mind
But these dreams were of a different kind
Dreams of what was, and wasn't to be
Dreams of the person she could no longer see
She longed for the sun to rise and sing
But all she could see were the shadows storm clouds bring  
So she ran through the forest to get away
But these shadowy dreams continued to stay
Leaving heartache in every step
Everywhere she looked she saw death
Disaster, destruction, despair for miles more
That is all she expected to find in store
And yet within a light still shone
This light was not her own
It was a hope which had been breathed into her
Breathed into her by one that loves her sure
He was the one for whom she kept walking
The one who had given her this hope
And so on and on she went by it
Until her soul found what she had sought
A place she could rest and call her home
A place where she was no longer alone

A hand extends
Covered in blood
The hand of a killer
One who has cut
Many people up
And murdered the innocent
And taken lives
Who is so insane
The person who this hand belongs too
Laughs at the very sight
Of the silver dancing with Ruby's
Who laughs as the silver seems to scream out for its companion
Who longs to do the dance
And at first glance
You may not understand
But soon enough young child
You will see the terrors in the night this hand brings
You will scream with fright
You will attempt to hide
But there is no hiding
There is no escaping
There is no way out
Because my truest love
Surely you must see it
Surely you must understand
Everything iv warned you about
Everything iv said
About this hand
And who it's attached
Im just trying to help
Attempting to warn you
You need to stay away
This is not game to play
Flee away you must
Please don't cry
When I tell you who
This awful hand surely belongs too
Its not really shocking
You cant possibly be surprised
But truly I tell you
That this hand is mine
And there are Ruby's my heart longs for
And silver my hand longs to play with
So forgive me
And I hope this dosnt hurt
But you see its just so much fun.

I stare at this device sitting in my hands
This thing that is supposed to keep me connected
With the rest of the world as it goes around me
I stare at the screen
Waiting
                   Waiting
                                       Waiting

But there’s nothing
The screen remains black
And I’ve never felt more disconnected
With no reality
It’s all a fallacy
There’s nothing real
All these “good” relationships
Are just as fake as I am

People are fleeting
Facts are changeable
Truth is relative
Beauty isn't real
Love is non existent
It's all an array
Of various chemicals
Flowing through a mass of muscle
Creating different stimulants
That we have called emotions
But its pointless
Emotions are useless
All anyone truly cares about
Is stimulating
The proper chemical flow
That they long after
In that particular moment.
So why even try?

I want write
To express how i feel
But i cant do it right
So on my knees i kneel

When i have no words
When i can't speak
When i can't move forwards
When im too weak

I call out to you
I cry out your name
And often i just cry too
And you wash away my shame

You give me your love
You give me your grace
It dosnt matter wether im enough
You wipe the tears from my face

I open my eyes
I can finally see
How i have believed such lies
And you show me who i am to be

I can see your hands and feet
I can see you working
In the people i meet
I can see how you are the king

Money was speny
Time wasted
Early to work i went
No breakfast tasted

And yet my reward?
Sitting here useless
Im not moving toward
Anything but a big mess

Its ok i swear im fine
Im just slowly losing my mind
I don't know what you see
But honestly thats not me

Im not what i appear
Im holding back a tear
Inside im different
There is a certain bent

A bent towards evil
Its like i have no will
So i wear this mask
Cuz i must complete this task

Of an outward appearance
There isnt a chance
That you will look past
Past this mask

And really see what i could be
Not just who is currently me
 
But what if it is i
And not you who stand by
What if its me
What if i showed you what could be

What i let you in
Would it be such a sin
Could i trust you that way
Its possible that you may
Really listen
And i could let you in
But truly im afraid
To ever ask for aid
So i sit alone
Id rather be at home
Than out with you
But maybe your like me too
And maybe if i started first
It would create a thirst
Inside of you
And maybe you would let me in too

Absolutely *******
******* and your horse
And your perfect family dinners
**** your perfect art exhibition
And **** your scholarships to the perfect college of your dreams
**** your supportive parents and there understanding
**** your beautiful house and your wonderful life
And ******* more for rubbing it in my face

You have everything I ever wanted
You have the career of my dreams handed to you on a ******* silver platter
All because your daddy works at the school
Perfect little preachers daughter
With your wonderful family
And your wonderful life
You speak to your sister
You tell her everything
You say you’ve been depressed
Oh ****, commercial break.

I guess we’re talking again now
You were the only one who called me
I was alone and couldn’t move
And you made sure to talk to me
You called me so many times
Just to chat
Even though you don’t understand me
Even though I don’t try to understand you
You keep trying
And I can’t understand the unending kindness


I know I was the one who cut you off
I know I was the one who left you on read
Didn’t answer your calls or return the voice mails
But absolutely ******* for acting like it didn’t matter
**** your happiness
**** your attitude
**** your perfect life
And **** me even more for not having it....

I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey