Well hello twenty four
Didn’t hear you knocking at my door
Woke up to happy birthday baby
Me wondering where good morning went
Out the door to early you just missed him
Dancing in the breeze on a whim
Here I am now twenty four
No surprise, there’s still skeletons beneath the floor
The darkness didn’t go away
Like we had hoped
Getting older doesn’t cure it
Just makes it easier to hide
Still wish I had died
Yet here we are at twenty four
In the dessert heat
No reprieve from the sun
But the suns healing
And the healings only begun
So much left to do
With no idea how to start
Just hoping that I can find my heart
Buried it years ago
Now at twenty four
Hoping I can find it, when I open the right door

Hands all over me
Softly carressing all of me
Sensations I didn’t know I could feel
Is any of this
Even real?
You lifted me up and laid me down
Skin to skin
Lips to lips
I felt your hands
Move down my hips
Your eyes so bright and blue
Bringing up these feelings
So strange and new
One night full of bliss
Who knew
I would have to pay like this
A **** Boy
That’s all that you are
I see that now
Just a shooting star
One minute
You bring me hope and light
But you’re always gone
Before the end of the night

She had a waist so small he could cup his hands completely around it
This book I read as a young girl
The characters were ooing and ahing about this tiny waisted girl
How pretty she was and how amazing
I remember taking my hands
And trying to reach them around
And they never did reach
I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to play football, and walk around with no shirt
I wanted everyone to think I was a boy
Every boy I read about
Every boy I saw on tv
I mimicked
Boys didn’t get touched
Boys could be safe
So maybe if I acted enough like a boy
I could make it all stop
All the girls my age, there shirts didn’t seem to fit as tight as mine did
My dad said I looked like a ****
My shirts being so tight
My face was red
I didn’t know what I had done
I was just a kid, mom had bought me these clothes
But I had outgrown them they said
I never wore tight clothes again
I wore my clothes baggy
So people couldn’t see me
So they didn’t know how I was framed
We were at a park with some friends one summer day
We were swimming in a creek
I was walking with my mom back to the car
And I heard the cute boys swimming up the way
Say to each other “is that thing a boy or a girl?”
I wanted to cry
I just ran after my mom faster and tried to keep it in
These are the things that make life difficult for women
The things men as understanding and kind as they can be can still never understand
The things that we can’t always put in words
The things we all feel
But rarely have the courage to say
These are the things we as women need to learn how to express so that we may move on and create a new world for little girls
Because until we learn how these problems in us started, we can not learn how to end them.

I gaze out of my soul
All I see are the holes
Left in the world of death
Nothing left to bless
It's all gone to hell
I shrug and say "oh well"
As I continue my stroll
Through my endless soul
No longer searching
Just silently lurking
Hoping to find the thing
I know I long after
Hoping to find hope
Some way to cope
And I *****
At these walls that block me off
Screaming for someone to see
And screaming for them to leave me be
I begin to run
And I try and hide
I can not move
I will not be satisfied
With what I see
And the darkness inside me
I leap out of my soul
And stop looking inside myself
And finally I reach out for help
Because I myself can not save me
I myself am not the key
I am nothing but meager dust
In myself am nothingness
I look outside myself
And I see the light
And suddenly everything is no longer night.

Dancing alone
With the company of a thousand stars
Dancing alone
Waiting for someone to love you as you are

I’m the midst of a crowd
Always in, but never a part
Sitting to the side
Creating your own art

On the outskirts of the world
Observing but never knowing
Where you truly belong
So on the waves of the world you keep rowing

Never giving up
Even when the sky is black
And the stars are gone
You know there is no going back

So do what you love
Breathe in the view
And know you are enough.

The way your eyes became filled with tears
As I showed to you
All my darkest fears
I spoke to you of all my demons
And time and again
How I had seen them
Dancing through my mind
Filling me up with lies
Holding me in a bind
And you reached out your hand
Time and time again
Most times I shoved you away
I would lie to your face
Telling you I’m fine
But you never turned away
You told me you would stay
And you were true to your word
And through all this time
I never could see it
But you are the hands and feet of Jesus
I questioned his love
Thinking I could not be enough
I felt all alone
Even when I was not
I was surrounded by his love
But my eyes they were blind
And you reached out your hand
Over and over again
Finally over time
I see that the hand I called yours
The hand I rejected
Was never truly yours
But it was the scarred hand of Jesus
Reaching out to me
And I see how he used you
To change my life
And finally I believe in his overwhelming love
And I want to be used
To help others too
I want to be
The hands and feet of Jesus

I walk this field
All turned to ash
The fire will never yield
So I turn and I ask
“How did this forest
Once beautiful and strong
Become so dark?”
It just all seemed wrong
There was none to answer
My question was fate
It cried to wind
Still not answered to date
So I strolled on in the ash
Walking through the burning
All in worse state than trash
As I walked I began to weep
No longer able to stand
All the pain that I saw
I fell with my head in hand
And I wept and I cried
At seeing all this beauty
And imaging how it died
I couldn’t imagine
Anything good coming from this
So I cried and I wished
That it would just burn me up too
Then maybe I wouldn’t have to see
And I could just be
It would all be well
If I never had to tell
And I never had to see
All the ash
And blatant misery
But from my sobbing I paused
When I looked up
And to my surprise I saw
A young flower
A daisy
All yellow and golden
I was suddenly cold then
As chills ran down me
And I could no longer weep
I stood up
I began to leap
For in the ash
And through the flame
Had produced such beauty of fame
Something so amazing
And elegant
My mind now fervently spent
I saw that through it all
There was still good
And there was more than just the ash

Those moments fueled by pain
It had just started to rain
No sun was seen in the sky
I was being passed by everyone walking by
No one knew my struggles
No one saw the tears
Or how I made it through the years
Dragging that knife across my skin
The blood would always win
So I figured it would be best
To end it like this
With the slashes on my wrist
And the blood would get to be
The final thing I would see
So I walked until I was alone
No where near any home
And I pulled out the knife
Prepared to take my life
But before I could
I just silently stood
Staring at my wrist
Thinking of this
And how I would never again see
My friends, or family
And sure I thought no one cares
So why does it matter?
But one friend had talked to me
And began to teach me to see
The world a little differently
And I thought of how this would affect
And I thought of those people who smiled and waved
And never knew the darkness I craved
And how I wondered how I would feel
If they were to do the thing I was about to do
And I started to cry
And though my heart
Still longed to die
I no longer had the strength to even hold the blade
And so on I lived
And some time later
Im glad I did
It has always been hard
But life is so much more than what it seems
It always has more in store
Than what we see
And for almost the first time
Im glad to be alive.

The sad part is
I think I was right
No one stays
In those dark nights
In those times
Im
All
Alone
And I will be
All
Alone
And that's how it is
I just have to deal
I want this wound
To just finally heal
But every time
I open myself up
They just seem to leave
And so again
Im
Alone
That's just how it goes
But no worries
I've learned to enjoy it
I
Actually
Like
Being
Alone

Life is a game
Of hide and go seek
Its not yet time
For you to peek

You must go hide
And try not to be found
You can not wish to
Have ever died

That is one piece to hide
You can not long after blood
Hide that too

But most of all
Remember this
You must simply hide all of you
Paint up a fake and trick them all
And watch as they fall
For the fake
And now you feel safe
But look at them laughing
And all having a blast
Guilt overwhelms
So you crawl out of hiding
And want to help seek
But the weather outside is hot
And you notice they are not
What they at first appear
For there paint is running
And soon so are you
But you leave your fake laughing
Just in case
It was only sweat you saw
But you have to be careful
Because this is hide and seek
And you never know
Exactly how much to show
So again you hide
And curl around yourself
Because while the one who looks like you
Is out having fun
And is enjoying the company
Of many different people
You have never been more alone.

I haven't felt this way in awhile
I haven't had any words left in my heart
Each time I sat to write
My soul was vacant
And nothing felt right
Now after all this time
I sit with my laptop on hand
And my words are there
And it feels pure
My lungs finally fill with the air
They have craved for so long
It's been such a dark and lonely road
But with you back in my life
The paradox that somehow
Makes everything feel right
You, the one I thought was gone
You, the one who I tried to forget
You, the one who I did wrong
Giving me a second chance
After all this time
You are the strangest paradox I know
Yet at the end of the day
I can't help but to say
I love you

I stand alone in the crowd
The only one who won’t go out
All alone in a wave
Of these people who only crave
To hear what puts on the fake smiles
And none of them go many miles
Before they realize
That dead gaze in their eyes
But they don’t care
They won’t give up the lies
So they bicker and fight
And I try and choose flight
But I get dragged down
I can’t breathe I begin to drown
I wake up in a cold sweat
Is this life over with yet?

The lights
The noise
The music
The sounds
The voices
The dance
The life
It brings
Both vibrancy
And anxiety
Both life
And death
Most everyone
Loves it all
But not I
I love
And I hate
There is dark
And light
It's all
A paradox
Just as
Am I.

Failing,
It's all that I do,
Failure,
It's all that I am,
Until I open my eyes,
And look to you.
I cling to the truth,
It's all that I know,
All these doubts,
And the pain starts to grow.
But I close my eyes,
And I know,
This one thing I trust,
When there is nothing else,
I cling to the cross,
Jesus died for me.
My failures have been washed away,
All this guilt,
It doesn't have to stay.
I know who I am,
And where I belong.
And that's all I need,
To start to move on.

Can I just say,
Well today was really great,
And I had a lot of fun,
And well,
Can I just say,
I really liked sitting next you,
I know it sound lame,
Maybe even childish,
But man,
Can I just say,
Sitting next you,
I feel safe,
You make me feel safe,
And can I just say,
That I really like your school,
And I really want to go,
I can’t wait until I go,
And can I just say,
That when we hang out,
And when you look at me,
I feel special,
And can I just say,
I really do like you.