Like coffee
You taste bitter on my tongue
Slightly sweetened
By the glaze of your eyes
When you wet your lips
And press them to mine

Am I more like
The deciduous trees
Shedding their leaves
Like crippled tears
Cast to the ground
As shrivelled fears
Bleached bone branches
Raised to the sky
Begging for an end
To what has only begun

Flowers buried deep
Rooted in her skin
Growing in her sunlight
Drowning in her rain
A scattering
Of dandelion seeds
Left to thrive
In a local park
Popping up and out
Turned away from the ground
Face to the sun
Everyone wonders
Where we come from

The only person
I wanted to see today
Isn't even here
So I'll just sit
Do my work
Let the minutes
Pass like moths
Fluttering to the light

Shaking
Taking in breaths
Through the bottom of my feet
Aching
In all the places that I landed
Mind overtaken
By all the possibilities
Of things that could've come

Can I please just go home?
I don't want to exist anymore.
Everything
Just seems horrible.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to exist.

Will you fall in love
With the contents
Of my pages

So when, again
Are you gonna get out of my head
Leave my daydreams
And take me by the hand
Lead me out
Onto the floor
At this ****** high school dance
Fortnite dance
Because you know
It ****** me off
Until we get kicked out
For being too loud

That's okay
We'll just head back to your place
Watch some awful
Horror movies
While your hand
Sneaks up my leg
I'll probably kick you
And pin you down
But that's how you like it
Isn't that right
Bite my neck
Until I beg you to stop
Tickle my sides
To break the silence
And wait a while
For me to fall asleep
Just so you can wake me up
And remind me
That it was just a dream

Hands too numb
To move anymore
Resting my head
On the inside shelf
Reflected in the plastic
High on the scent
Of must and dead butterflies
Breathe out hard
To fog up my reflection
I don't want to see myself

Piercing
Shattering
Sapphire doesn't
Come close to touching it
Ice white
Glaciers
Winter skies
Reflected in the ocean
Pale
Frayed threads
On the edge of a sweater
The faintest
Water colour
Dash of night
On a page

We talk during the day
And prowl at night
Donning our costumes
To prey on tv shows
No matter how many
Cute girls I meet
I will never forget
The ******* who raised me

The weather has gone back
To pretending to be a tsunami
And my heads filled up
By all the grey clouds
It's not that bad, though
Because the magnets on my fridge
Keep spelling out love letters
The taps on my wall
Are to the tune of
I'm in love with you
And all the voices in my head
Want me hitched, not dead
The shadow in the corner
Is down on one knee
And the Grim Reaper
Keeps bringing me bouquets
So who needs a girlfriend
When the undead wants me?

I'm going to confess
All of my best secrets
Mostly that you're cute
And I want to hug
And if you put your hand on my thigh
That wouldn't be so bad
But mostly let's tell jokes
And go to the park
Make fun of all the books
In the local library
I want to hear your music
And all about your friends
Let me spill my darker ****
Or read with headphones in

It's really crazy
If we're being honest
But I'd just as soon
Hang out with you
As I would make out
My feelings are far from platonic
Don't worry about that
I just want to be with you
Wherever that may be

School *****
Without you
Seriously
Biology is awful
I know you don't care
But I want to see you again

I still don't exist to you
Do I?

Do you remember the time
When you told me that you wanted me to get better
And I told you
That I didn't believe you
We didn't talk for days
And then you walked in
In your ridiculous silk pajamas
To pet a golden retriever
And I said I was sorry
And you said that it was alright
That you meant what you had told me

I could be alone
I could be sad
I could cry myself to sleep
But I don't
I walk through cemeteries
And have panic attacks
And fall in love
Far too often
I guess that's just a side effect
Of deciding to live

I'll watch them
Appreciate them from afar
To tell them my feelings
Would be ridiculous
Because I am not in love
I probably never will be

I'll watch them
Their blue grey hair
Their blue green eyes
I might got lost
When they're locked on mine
But I know full well
And I keep it to myself
That it doesn't mean a thing

I'll watch them
The painting behind my eyes
The first thing I see
The last before I fall asleep at night
Fondly sketched
Tattooed into my spine
But nothing here is permanent
And they'll die after a while

I'll watch them
Take in the scent
Of every breath
I'll sit quietly
Unmindfully
While the earth continues to turn
While their hair grows out
While I become stone

Does it ever really happen?
That illusive miracle
Where two people
Truly love each other?

Life is good
With them in tow
Tonight was one of
The best times of my life
I don't regret a thing
I'll never regret a thing

Pick yourself up off the ground and find another quiet place to cry.
The crying isn't the problem; it's the people who see you.

Bury yourself old novels.

Go to therapy and order coffee afterwards,
But always go through the drive-thru.
You can't let them see you fully.

Take your medicine instead of stockpiling pills like a suicidal squirrel.
Attempts won't get you anywhere, you know you're too afraid to die.

Make some friends and fall in love with all of them.
Know that they will never love you back but do it anyways.
If someone tells you you mean something, they're lying.
That's what happens when you're sad.
People pity you.
The last thing you need is pity.

Dark eyes
Waking slowly
I'd cry if I could
But my best friend
Is dressed like Mothman
Red tinted glasses
Rose is all I see
You ****** Karkat wig
It's a different outfit
But it's all the same to me

For all the sleepless nights
Underneath a ceiling
Of plaster stars
For every lonely day
With with only nurses
To keep you company
For every IV
For every EKG
For every single test
And teary eyed sentence
For every scar
For every pill
For every bullet
And every gun
There is someone
In an identical hospital bed
There is someone
Who aches the same

For every heart that breaks
There's another one healing
You are not alone
We are not alone

I can pretend for a while
I can push you out of my mind
Or at least to the back
So I can comfortably rest
But you always come back
In a moment of lull
When the world slows down
I remember your eyes
How you stared into mine
And how you didn't

I hate you sometimes
Because you exist
In every single guitar solo
And in every single crowd
I can hear your voice
Just around every turn.
Your eyes are always on me
Even when I'm alone
It's truly an intrusion
Of my privacy
I wish I minded just a little bit more
Maybe then, I could convince myself
That I don't really like you

And all of me knows
That we won't ever come close
To what I'm imagining
But you're older than me
I can picture you holding back
Watching me from the sidelines
As I watch you from the field
Our lives don't cross paths
Only a couple of times
But I can smell the chemistry
That heavy breath before a storm
Judging by that look on your face
When I catch you staring at me
I think you do too

I couldn't be less seen
If I was invisible
The air crushes inwards
Like I'm buried under the sea
I'm disassociating slowly
Floating away
Into cyberspace
While people argue semantics
I walk slowly away

My love
I only think of you when it rains
I remember your face
In the light of my fish tank
Your silhouette is still painted
Against the outline of my window
I will not break
Until that fades

Because I can still feel your eyes
Locked on mine
You captured me
I'm still trapped in your cage
Existing in a moment
That no longer exists
Back when it was just you and I
Sitting alone
At this table for two
In the back of the school
Laying on the grass
When I got so close to kissing you

I'm still there
Locked in our nest that we built
In the woods behind my house
I can feel the sticks
Poking through our mossy bed
Just like I can still feel your arm
On my side
The first time we fell asleep
You right next to me
Laying on the floor
Of our best friend's house

I can still sense your heartbeat
And stickiness of my thighs
As we cuddled up in my loft
As you held me tight
You fell asleep in my bedroom
And all the soft sounds you'd make
Still echo in my ears
Holding me for days

Oh, love
Please never stop raining
When the sky clears
And the ground dries up
I might forget you
And where would that leave me?

The truth is
I don't want to ever stop thinking about you
But I have to
Or else I won't fall asleep at night
Or if I do
I'll dream only of your eyes
I don't want to think of you like that

And at some point
One of us has to look away
The world won't stop spinning
For our less than platonic moments
We need to move on
You surely seem to have no trouble
But I can't tear my gaze away
From your retreating form

Those glimpses I catch
Of you sitting in class
Might as well be poison
Injected straight into my veins
The softness of your hair
The outline of your face
Is a drunk tattoo in the front of my brain
One I can't erase

You're my heroine
Take or leave the "e"
And I might be a willing addict
But I'll go to rehab eventually
I'll force your face to fade
Covered up with inky flowers
Scattering my legs

I'll leave your eyes
Turquoise and green
You can watch me from the bushes
Peeking out from between the leaves
Like a fairytale character
I bet I'll wonder who you were
And what you meant to me

Eye contact
From across the cafeteria table
Maybe you were saying something
But now we don't speak
We just sit quietly
And we might as well be alone
In this room together
Your blue green eyes
Locked on mine
Until we look away
I'll just bathe in your smile

It's evening. Everything is dark beyond my windows. The music starts to play, and I close my eyes.



The silken touch of a cloth
I haven't felt it since my childhood
Vaguely registers in my mind
Fingertips still roaming
Still trying to find
The crack in my hull
The fissure in my seams

There's a corner of my book
That digs into my hip
I only move it so I can go deeper
Into these blackened depths
I turn off the lights
So I can be one with the night
Then I'm alone in the darkness
With the fur of my blanket
Rushing over my feet

Dogs howl
Inside or out
I do not know
I rest my head back
And sag into the pillows
To close my eyes
Is to break away from reality
Left only with the stains of the light
Painted on the backs of my eyelids
To convince me
That I'm really alive



The music ends. My eyes have been open for a while now, but I'm still not sure if I can see.

If going to the park
At three in the morning to get ******
And talk about what we do and don't know
Is a waste of time
I'll gladly waste away my life

If running barefoot
In the construction lot
Behind the local cemetery
Is no way to make friends
Well
I suppose I'll have to risk it

If loving while I can
Unashamed
With no makeup on
Won't get me anywhere
I guess I'll stay
Right where I am

If dropping out of college
And moving to New Jersey
Because my girlfriend is a wildfire
And I don't mind the burning
Is a stupid way to live my life
Well
I guess

It looks like I
Am set to waste my time
And hang around
With the exactly wrong crowd
And dance in the rain
In the same old parking lot

Perhaps in your eyes
I am a waste of life
Another burned out youth
Old by seventeen and
Tattered in a trailer park

Build your life
Make your connections
Keep waiting for life
To come to you
And when you die
In your socially acceptable town

Me and my friends
Will be long dead
Rotting away
In the very same place
When the gods die
And the world rusts
We will not be remembered as the ones who changed the world
We won't be remembered at all
We will simply be the ones
Who danced while they could
Who ran out in the weather
When everyone else stayed inside
We will be the ones who loved the most
And fell the farthest
We will have learned all there is to know
All the lessons of a cruel world
We will die unspectacularly
We will have raging two person parties
We will die with heads full of memories
From dreams we chased like wrathes
We will be the ones who did not sit and wait
And in the end
We will always be the fortunate ones

The morning air
Seeping in through open windows
Settles a chill in my bones
Goose flesh
Dots my legs
And pasty cheeks
My finger tips pulsate
With the numb
The tip of my nose
Is stained cherry pink
While my nails turn blue
And my mind stop turning
Freezing over slowing
In that harsh, morning air

I remember when I first met you
It was weeks in
We'd seen each other
A thousand times
But I never really met
The person I thought
Was really you

Lying back
In the parking lot
I watched you go
And you waved for once
You said "thank you"
In sign language
I really think
That's when we fell in love

I remember when I left you
It was last night
I think
I went off on a rant
About Jonestown
You changed the subject
And then hung up
I cried for it a bit
And let myself mope
Then I picked myself up
Because there was nothing left to do

I loved you
And you loved me
Perhaps you still do
But we are not lovers
We never will be
I'm sure we'll talk again
Probably pretty soon
That's what ***** teenagers do

My point is this
You are not my love
You are not monumental
To me, at least
We will each find someone
Who will leave us weak
But that isn't you
And it sure isn't me

You are no longer
The stranger I'm in love with
You're just a stranger

Tired eyed
But so excited to be here
Kissing in a parking lot
Like you promised
Over the phone
Sleeping in shifts
Playing video games
And exploding kittens
Until the sun rises
Braiding your hair
Into a woven crown
A pile of snakes atop your head
Curled up under my duvet
Listening to the rain
Pound on the ceiling
Listening to my heart
Pound on my skin
Drowning
In my old leather jacket
Your shining face flecked with mud
From a long wait
That has never been more worth it

One of these days
I'll fall in love for sure
All these cinematic
Shots of me sitting alone
Looking depressed
With a cat on my lap
Will have something
To culminate to
I'll be the star
Of a lesbian romance
That will wow the crowds
Shock gays through the ages
And land me where
I truly belong

You come first
Forever and always
I come second
With feelings it tow

I used to wonder
Spend my time daydreaming
Wishing she would
Reciprocate my feelings
But now I know
Now I have no doubt
I know exactly
How she feels about me now

Warm golden curls
Swirling beneath the surface
A porcelain crater
Filled to almost overflowing
Delicate toes
Tickled by the current
Bronzed summer legs
Tipped up in relaxation

The year is 1945
And I exist outside of time
The year is 1989
And I have not a clue why

I love me
Because I'm weird
And I'm not worried
If they care
If I tease my hair
I'm not alone anymore
I've got my goths
I'm got my needs
And my occasional jocks
I have my emo girlfriend
I have my support
I have music
And I don't have God
And I'll live how I want
So **** them all

Will I ever find
What I'm looking for

Drained
But somehow still nervous
Dancing on the edge
Of finally finding
My purpose

I'm cold
When the rain comes
But I'll be colder
When it goes
For now I exist
Is the foggy distance
Where the sun never shines
And the music
Never stops playing
And I can never rest
My aching bones
My freezing toes
My red stained nose
There's somewhere in my mind
Where I'm well aware
That this is suicide
But I'm young
And the rain has come
Maybe when it goes
I'll be older
Colder

You aren't mine
You are your own
But that doesn't stop me
From calling you darling
In my mind
Because in my mind
You are always my love
You're my dearest
My sweetheart
The loveliest one
And I'll knit you a scarf
With all of my heart
I'll call you at night
And stare at the stars
Someday I'll see you
Even if it hurts
Because loving you is a choice
I will always make

That's what I see
When I see you
Us up on a hill
Touching the moon

That's what I see
When I look at the sky
A fiery light that I'll
Find in your eyes

I started the scarf
That I'm making for you
I **** at knitting
So don't be surprised
If the whole thing unravels
In your gentle hands
Just like I did
When we first met

where are you
where are the questions
is there anyone out there
who doesn't know
what is truly real
perhaps there is
and perhaps there isn't
maybe i'll read a poem someday
a poem that reminds me
of
well

me

but maybe that will just be my own thoughts
reflecting into the ether
either way
i want to know
if there is someone else out there

i have an image
of this world
there are two of us
only two
who exist on the same plane
maybe we all exist
on different planes
maybe we're soulmates
the two of us
alone on this plane
maybe i'll find you someday
and if i don't
then i will know
that i have always been alone

what is real
that's what i want to know
what exists
is anything of this real
and if not
what is
what if this is just a fantasy land
inside my own head
what if i'm in a coma
what if i'm somebody else
what if i am the only one that exists
what if i don't exist at all
what if there is some massive movie screen
that everybody can watch
from which everyone can see
the world through my eyes
what if i am dead
what if i have existed and lived a thousand times before this
what if this is some strange attempt to truly find peace
what if none of this is real
what if none of this is real
if i close my eyes
does the world cease to exist
and does anything truly exist
if it is possible for vision to fade and never return
perhaps the world is born when i am
perhaps it will die when i do
perhaps the world is just snippets thrown together
different perspectives
different timelines
there are explanations
the gods of science
but who is to say that that is real
who can determine what is real
is it me
is this all up to me
to all those reading
if there is anyone reading at all
i will never know you
i will never have a way to know
if anything
or anyone
truly exists
this life has the permanence
of dreams
flashes of images
thrown together
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
who is to say anything at all
my memories might as well be fake
so what do i do
do i do my best
to fit into this make believe world
do i let go of the universe
and play to my quiet niche
or do i let go of the present
let go of the past
let go of the future
and just be
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
does the world disappear when i close my eyes
does it all cease
to be
when i die
will the world die with me
is my body real
does it exist
and does the world around me exist
or is this all just hallucinations
is this anything at all
i have no way of knowing
i can see my fingers
i can feel my bangs
brushing against my face
i can smell the must
i can hear the gentle murmur
but what makes this real
what if this isn't real
what happens when it all goes away
what happens when everything goes away
what happens when i can no longer feel
what happens when my eyes don't see
what happens when everything fades
and even my thoughts go away
what is behind the veil
what is just out of sight
is there anything there at all
is it the void
is it just the void
the blackness behind my eyes
stretching out forever
is this the flashback
before i die
is my life running before my eyes
is everything draining from me
and is there truly mortality
do we truly exist at all
is there a we
or is it just me
alone
with my vivid hallucinations

it could go away so easily
it could be gone

i imagine those chambers
those water chambers
where everything is silent
and the water is the same temperature
as your body
and there is nothing
and you lay in the dark
is that dying
is that what truly exists
or is even that an illusion

is anything real
is anything real

It's a rush in the morning
Throwing on clothes
I didn't take my drugs today
I'm essentially ******
That's what that means
I could've worn my trench coat
But anxiety's a *****
I'll just dress in black
From head to toe instead
Raining down like tears
Falling from my bitter mouth
The weather is forever
My biggest ******* mood
I could black my eyes
And slit my wrists
But I'll iron my bangs
And slip on my vans
That's what Ohio is really for

I am the sea
I am the endless
Waves of shining green
I am the sea
I am gently waving
Sea anemones

I am the depths
I am the crevice
In which fish slept
I am the murk
I am the waters
In which sharks lurk

I am the tide
I am a servant
To moons I abide
I am the shore
I am the closest
To Earth's molten core

I am the vast
I am the waters
That will forever last
I am the lost
I am the shelter
For life that land forgot