Untying my shoes
Is a ritual
Where I bake my cement
And stick my hand in it
Maybe someday
A detective will come
To investigate my death
And find my fingerprints
Trace my blood back
To the bedroom where I sit
Listening to indie music
From my own lungs
Twisted in the sheets
Hanging from the ceiling
Like an athletic
****** angel
And mayhap
If I'm lucky
My body will end up
In some museum
Where lavendar doesn't
Know how to burn
I can read me to sleep
And I'll have witches
In my dreams
They can cast hexes on me
So pedestriannly
I will swing
Like a demon
From your sewing machine
I'll sing at the screening
Like a rogue banshee
When they lay me down
For my eternal sleep
I'll put my fingers up
Just the two
In a farewell salute
Before I'm nailed in
To meet all my new friends
They might eat my eyes
But they're still better than you

I fell in love
With a black bird's wing
Stretched out wide
Bearing the night sky

I fell apart
On a broken sea
Waves of screams
And otherworld things

I fell to my knees
In a green clearing
Lit by all the lights
Of a faerie's sigh

I fell into place
To a mother's cry
Echoing the universe
Giving birth to life

This will be the year
Of all of my mistakes
These walls will fall
With my dignity
I'm a disaster
Exploding in slow motion
Can't make up my mind
Can't make up anything
Crashing like a train
Derailing swiftly
Giving out my number
******* myself
To the whole city
This chaos knows
Nothing of mercy
My blind eyes know
Nothing of the truth
Just this downward spiral
The desecration
Of my troubled youth

Renegades
Passing days
Falling apart
In harmony
A catalytic
Cacophony
Of ugly words
And her
Disastrous
Poetry

I dreamt about you
Again last night
We finally met
In a worn down house
And I kissed you
Three times
How I wish
That had been real life

I don't owe you
You don't own me
I don't need to explain myself
I've said my piece
Now move on

This was supposed to be the year
That things came together
But so far I've only succeeded
At watching my world fall apart

It's ugly
Right?
That's what they've always told me
And I should be grateful
To even have someone
Who wants to hit on me
But I want to be alone
In a romantic way
I like you as a friend but
I'd rather stay away
From the complications
Of relationshipping
And you make me laugh
And you're pretty cute
But I don't like you
So I'll call you
Dude and man
And give you subtle hints that
Men aren't my cup of tea
Because as lovely as you are
And straight as you can be
Darling I'm not into you
That's just how it is
I'm homoflexible
And asexual at best
It's the game I play
And you aren't my
Exception

We can finally talk again
And I want to see you around
But I'm just so tired
Of talking right now
And I'd rather die
Than let you down
But I'm just so tired
Of people right now

I don't mind people
From the back of the room
Everyone can talk
As long as I can be quiet
I don't mind noise
When I don't have to take part
Stranger's conversations
Heard from afar
Are the greatest things
I get to know people
Without saying a word
Sometimes I'll talk
For hours at a time
But talking leaves me drained
And for the most part
I'd rather just be quiet

Walking these halls
For the very first time
It feels like I've been here
For a hundred years
Unfamiliar faces all blend
Into one high school dropout
One singular name
That I don't want to know
When it starts to snow
I'll pray for ice to crystallize
Around my feet
So I can stay in my bed
And never leave again
I want to weep but
My eyes stay dry
There's a drought in my mind
It's draining away
All that I once was
All that I will be
Who I am today is not
Who I should be

I'm okay.
I'll be okay.

This isn't a poem
Or a love letter
Maybe a tiny
Apology
But mostly just a note
To the one I adore
Dearest
I'll see you
On the other side
Call me tonight
I'm going to the beach
And I'm going to dig a hole
All the way
To Colorado
To visit you
With sand in my shoes

I miss the concept of you I made
Out of glimpses of your face
From the corner of my eye
In the back of the room
I miss the voice that I hear in my head
It's sounds like you but
It says the words I wish you would
All these daydreams
Are going to smother me
I know you'll never be next to me
Laying in bed like the lovers
That we will never be
But my mind runs away
And I can't keep up with it
I can't keep up with this

Oh darling girl
How I love you so
Your ignorant eyes
Oh how they shine
Your messy hair
Blowing in the wind
With your patchy bangs
Stuck in your face
So full of hopes
Bursting with dreams
Little do you know
They're splitting
All your seams
Your vital lifeline
Only has so
Much time
Someday you will die
And no one
Will remember
Me

What is beyond death
When I don't believe in God
I know my body
Will be buried
Or burned away to nothing
And that's okay
But what happens to me
What happens to the person
Who loves with blue flames
Where does she go
When the sun sets
And all is quiet and calm
If there is a hell
I'm probably headed there
But I don't think
That there is
Perhaps I'll roam the universe
I can touch down on planets
And stars afar
Maybe I'll be reborn
If that's the case
Then end my term
Eternal life on earth
Seems like a chore
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be here
When nations burn
I refuse to bear witness
To another century turn
And someday I will die
And I am so afraid
To let my conscience go
And fly into the void
Because deep down I know
What happens when we die
We are gone
Like smoke into the night
The thing that makes us human
Is furthest from physical
So when my body dies
My mind won't have
Anywhere to go
I don't want to be snuffed out
Like a burned down candle
And oh I know
That it won't be my choice
Maybe that's why
I've tried to end it all
I want to live
On my own terms
But the world
Has never been under my control
In a world where we die
So my only hope
Is that I can live my life
With the time I have left
But what's the point of living
When we all live to die

I guess I must be
A criminal
Because I
Am a prisoner
And people hurt
For a reason
As far as
Reasons go
I don't have many
Just a bucket
Full of guilty
Misbeliefs
All the lies
That I tell
To the me
In the mirror
I know I'm
No good
But god I'm
Just a little girl
Only fifteen
Aren't I allowed
To think
I'm pretty
Can't I believe
That someone
Might love me
What happened
To twirling my
Fingers in
My curled hair
Because they
All say to
Trust my intuition
But intuition's
A *****
And she says
Everything
I don't want
To hear
That is my
Heartbreak
Reality
My saddest
Totality

I am not
Pretty
I am not
Witty
I am not
Smart
I am not
Creative
I am not
Loving
Nor am I
Loved
I am not
Perfect
I am not
Enough

We're friends
You said so
So did I
And we love each other
As friends do
Because we're friends
And you call me cute
Because that's what friends do
And I say I love your smile
Because I support you
So what if everyone
At your place
Thinks we're dating
So what if we're both
Chaotic lesbians
So what if I
Have a crush on you
So what if I
Think you like me too
We're friends
And that's where reality ends

You are fading away
Your face is a blur
Your words are a static murmur
Your voice is an echo
Your mind is letting go

Lie awake for me
Tangle yourself in your sheets and
Think about me
You haven't seen me in three days
It's spring break
I promise you this
I won't text you back
Maybe you believe I hate you
That's okay I just
Need to know what it feels like
To have someone waiting

I hope you can fall in love
With silence because
I love silence more than anything
But not enough to stop you from breaking it
Break it
And I'll break your trust
Take me back
Don't ask me to explain
I won't
I have a warehouse worth
Of second chances

I cry because of you
I'll  let you know but
Don't think you can catch me
You know me well enough to know
I don't open up
But not well enough to know why and
I'll  play my favorite song for you
You'll never know why
It makes me smile
But you'll know
All too well
That it makes me cry
When you aren't around
I know that you think
It's all to do
With you
I'll swear it's not
It is

Bones of books
Stacked up on shelves
The scoured
And devoured
Doused in vinegar
Sterilized after the wrath
Leaf green lies
Stripped away by bleach
The world is clean
Scented with coffee
No wildfire romance
No breathtaking view
Just me and you
Imperfect fools

I need to write you
But I'm scared
I need this to be perfect
Just like your letter
To me
But I'm so far
From perfection
Maybe I just
Don't love you enough
If I loved you enough
You could come home

I met someone today
With cute black clothes
And a long trench coat
We walked to the park
To sit on the swings
We talked as we watched
All the cars in the street
She told me all her stories
Of almost being arrested
For smoking ****
So why does every cute girl
And every edgy guy
Have to get high
And listen to MCR
Where are my preppy goths
My ****** band members
Because I'm just a punk
Who doesn't do drugs
And wants some friends
My parents won't hate

There's so many fake passageways
In this medieval maze of mine
Monsters keep popping out of walls
And leading me in circles
To abandon me at dead ends
Of which there are too few
All these walls have twists and turns
That always end
In the same blank rock face
No matter which path I choose
I know where I'll go
I'll always end up dead
At each fairytale end

Bring out the lights
The ones that glow orange and purple
Slip on your black and white tights
And plant some spiders
We're bringing the aesthetic
Creepy glam and full face
If there isn't a pumpkin involved
I'm not interested
Let'***** Party City
And get this started
I can be Inigo and you can be Buttercup
Or I can be Noel and you can be Sandi
We can dress up as our favourite
Spooky characters
I'll go full axe murderer
And you can be a creepy doll
We'll hit the streets
As wasted teens
They can tell us we're too old
But what do they know
Collapse back home
To watch horror movies
Stay up all night
On fright and candy
This isn't just one day
It's a two month event
So let's get real spooky
And live while we can

Sore knees and an aching back
From a day of laying in bed
Dark clothes covered in hair
From a certain feline friend

Warm eyes and soft smiles
Traded with myself
Flipping damaged pages
Of old books off a shelf

Writing crooked poetry
Reading upside down
Battling the depressing things
Is easier with stories around

theressomuchinthisworldforusallsowhen i hearpeoplesaythatthey want to die irelatebut i dontand cant understandwhytheywantto do this anymore i usedto never behappyanditwashellandivebeentherebutnowimhappyimhappywithmylifei­mhappywithmyselfimfinallybecomingthepersonivealwayswantedtobeican­finallyseethebeautyoftheworldandthebeautyinsidemyselfandi will alwaysseeitafterallthoseyearsofsayingthatiwouldnever be enough ifinallyamenoughand i dont care whatpeoplethink about anything idoaslongasitmakesmehappybecauseiamstrongandiamenoughand i am tired of being someonelsesdoormatbecauseimstill alive andimlivingformenowand i
amnevergoingtosaythati cant dosomethingbecauseicanandimgoingto get themost out oflife

I hate this topic
Because what are friends anyways
Have I ever really had one
I think so
Years ago
But when you start lying to yourself
You can't help
But lie to everybody else
And if no one knows
Who you are
It's hard to have friends
It's hard to go on
Without opening up
But opening up
Is social suicide
When opening up is admitting
That you're not the person
You say you are
Opening up is letting go
Letting go of the person you wanted to be
The person you pretended to be
Opening up means giving your friends
The picture perfect opportunity
To leave you
It's a big old "*******"
Right to their faces
It's basically saying
"I've never told you who I am"
And who knows what they'll think
I can't tell my "friends"
Because I don't want them to leave
I don't want to be alone again
But even if I tell them that
There's no reason for them to believe
I've lied to them before
I'm probably just lying again
And that's the last thing I could take
Making someone believe
That I don't think they're good enough
Not good enough for the truth
Not good enough to see
Who I really am
And in truth all my "friends"
Are so much more than good enough
They're ******* angels
And the reason they can't know
Who I really am
Is because I don't belong here
I don't belong anywhere
Certainly not with them

I've never been more happy
To see an unknown
Number call me
The sound of your voice
Is all too familiar
The fact that
I made you laugh
Is worth more
Than gold to me
And at the end of the call
You told me
You loved me
And I said "you too"
Nothing can burst
My glimmering bubble
Of happiness
I'm so glad you called
Please do it again

Step one
Make a friend
Get over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

Step two
Overshare
Tell them your life story
On the second day
Hope that they won't leave you

Step three
Worry
Every time you aren't there
You're probably being replaced
Your friend seems to like you
But everyone does at first

Step four
Beat yourself up
If you've been replaced
Then good for them
You were never good enough anyways
They have every right
To leave you behind

Step five
Push away
They don't need you
So they probably don't want you
They're only still here
Because they pity you
Or they don't know how to dump you
Do it for them

Step six
Wallow
You don't have anyone anymore
And you never will
Because you are never enough
For anyone
You did a good thing by leaving them
No one wanted you there
In the first place

Step seven
Placate
You lost your friends
But that's okay
You don't need friends anyways
And they certainly
Don't need you
You're just fine all by yourself
You're happier being alone
Right?

Step eight
Make a friend
Ger over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

It's raining today
Everyone stands
With their black umbrellas
Opened wide
To catch the sky

Soft music played
Inside the funeral home
It echoes in their ears
Old lyrics scattered
To the beat of the rain

The ceremony was short
The coffin was not open
There were no deformities
But the mother couldn't bear
To see the body

The tombstone is small
Simply carved
No one quite knew what to say
So all it reads is
Gone but never forgotten

That's funny
Considering who I was

I want to be buried
Next to the unmarked grave
In my town's small cemetery
Next to the football stadium
The grave that nobody notices
The grave I sat beside
So many times
The grave I collected flowers for
Not a beautiful bouquet
Bought at a shop
But fallen blossoms
Pale and delicate
That littered the ground
Beneath the flowering trees
I wiped away the moss
And the wind caked dirt
To reveal the slab of stone
The grave that only read
Unnamed

My dearest streak
Of onyx lightening
My favourite blackened
Silhouette
The lovely shadow
That stalks my home
And rests her warm
Soft head
Down on my thigh
Raising a dainty
Porcelain paw
Complete with stained
Rosy paw pads
Up to my hand
For an occasional treat
Curling up next to me
Such a little thing
Slow motion blinking
And twitching ears
To convey her feelings
A feline ambassador
To the human race

What doesn't **** you
Makes you wish you were dead
That taste of the edge
Latches onto your bones
And grows like the mold
In the plaster basement cracks
In the pit of my soul
That grows deeper and deeper
And I can't take
The heavy weight
Of my own screams
And my buried mistakes
One more moment of silence
Might as well shatter me
I'm a porcelain doll
With a fragile disposition
Easily offended and losing friends
The loneliness is haunting me
Animating the skeletons
I sleep beside
I'm too scared
To lay in my bed
Ever since she left
So I make my home
In a nest of scarves
And support myself
The best I can
But the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
I'm the furthest thing
From Atlas
I do my best
But since when has "best"
Meant anything

Happy anniversary
Up there in Hades
Funny that it's up
Or am I assuming
Either way
The first month's the worst
And the second's worse
I'm not quite sure
Just how that works
But that's okay
Because we are not
And I know what they do
Feels a little more
Like medieval torture
Than friendly therapy
But you'll be okay
I must admit
It isn't much
Of a way to live
But you'll get out someday
And see the sun again
And all your friends
Will shroud you
In all their love
And everything will be
Perfectly peachy

Lungs filling up
With blackened dust
Your heart is a crutch
For your hopeless
Romantic lust

And that's all
That you really are
A hopeless mess
Of honeydew scent
Matching stripes and scars

No one can fix me
I am not broken
Maybe bent and twisted
Warped beyond all
Hope of recognition
But my matter's the same
Nothing has changed
The same little girl
Who loved leopard print
The same preteen
Who dove in
The deepest end
The same little liar
Who said everything was fine
They share my face
I share their ways
That won't change
Until the day
That I'm lowered down
Laid to rest
Six feet underground
Everyone will
Leave me then

If diaries could bleed
This would get ugly
I know I need help
But I'd rather be alone
I can go to therapy
And tell all my sob
Stories and tragedies
It wouldn't matter
In the end because
I'm still dead
Abandoned in a coffin
In the back of my head
My best friends
Brought me roses
Instead of tiger lilies
Because they don't
Really know me
I'll be buried in white
When I finally
Rest my mind
Because no one likes
My gothic side
I hope they'll play
My favourite songs
The ones I left on loop
But they won't
No one knows
What it is I do
And with all this
Spare time I'd say
That's probably okay
Aside from watching Ru
I sit in my room
Thinking about things
Life and death
And all that stuff
Pondering the galaxies
Instead of facing
My own reality
Because the truth is
I can only be
So different
So those demons
That you thought left
They're all still here
And they're all my friends
Better than the ones
Who currently hold
That ugly claim
Someone's got to leave
It won't be them
And it won't be me
I guess we both
Know what that means

Alone again
With your hands
In my head

Try to see your face
But all that comes to mind
Is my old bed
And the hell it held

Am I losing you?

But then again
There's nothing to lose
You're that ethereal
Mistress of your mind
And I can't own you
Wouldn't if I could
Couldn't if I tried

It's me
It's the bitter ache
Watching the leaves
Move on trees
Outside
It's the deep rooted
Wrongness
That pervades me
It's the sickness
That's growing
Little sprouts of doubt
Littering my bones
It's the saddest melody
That she sings
It hits me
Flattens me
It's me

This is dumb
And I'm jealous
I wish you would leave me alone
I never asked for this
I just want to forget
All the things I never said
And after all this time
After everything you've done
There's this
I wish you wouldn't text me
I left you months ago
Let me move on
I'm tired of this
And you are too
I'm not here for you anymore
And I never will be
I know you have friends
I'm not one of them
So talk to them instead
I'm not interested
In your personal business
I do my best to play the martyr
But even I have limits
This is past pushing it
And I don't want to hear it
I understand
We all have problems
That includes me
You've put me through enough
I'm done with your hypocrisy
And your immaturity
Please just let me start again
I need this
This new existence
And you aren't part of it

Wrapped up
In blanket love
Breathing out the past
And only looking forwards
Opening windows
To let in the spring
Cutting my bangs
So the world can see my face
I'm a whole new girl
I can smile now
There's an anchor now
I'm safe and sound

I miss you
I wish I could see you
Remembering
Your smile is
The highlight of today
I have an idea of you
That I'm falling for
I know it isn't you
But that doesn't
Stop me at all

****** teeth
Dripping in the sink
Watching all that pain
Drain away
So perfectly
Summer sun
Lights up my white
Tattoos
Putting pins and needles
Up and down my spine
Painting out
My chalk outline

Thank you for everything
Thank you for taking away one of my only platforms of expression
Thank you for getting mad at me for telling you how I feel
Thank you for supporting me in my darkest hours
Thank you for not letting me give in
Thank you for deciding what I want based on what you think is best
Thank you for letting me slowly destroy myself, fully knowing what I was doing
Thank you for finally making me get help
Thank you for not apologizing when you should have
Thank you for not understanding why I don't trust you
Thank you for leaving me to grow up without emotional support
Thank you for letting me fade into the background
Thank you for taking care of me for all these years
Thank you for doing things behind my back
Thank you for never asking for my opinion
Thank you for pressuring me into things I never wanted to do
Thank you for only being there for me when it was convenient for you
Thank you for bringing me into this world
Thank you for taking me away from my friends
Thank you for not judging me
Thank you for not listening
Thank you for jumping to conclusions
Thank you for not trusting me on anything
Thank you for trying to guilt trip me
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you for trying to manipulate me into talking to you
Thank you for trying to understand
Thank you for telling me that I am not enough
Thank you for giving me reason to never trust you again
Thank you for looking the other way
Thank you for being disappointed in me
Thank you for taking away some of the only things that made me happy
Thank you for letting me break your rules
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for raising me
Thank you for stopping me
Thank you for always sticking to your beliefs
Thank you for turning against me
Thank you for taking her side
Thank you for telling me that I'm being dramatic
Thank you for telling me that I just want attention
Thank you for telling me that my problems aren't real
Thank you for leaving me alone
Thank you for loving only the good parts of me
Thank you for pretending that the bad parts don't exist
Thank you letting everything slip
Thank you for giving up on me
Thank you for never bothering to get to know me
Thank you for accepting me
Thank you for pretending that everything is fine
Thank you for telling me to *******
Thank you for calling me names
Thank you for giving me reason to believe that this is all my fault
Thank you for never giving me a chance to rest
Thank you for teaching me not to cry
Thank you for acting like I owe you something
Thank you for taking your emotions out on me
Thank you for trying to solve my problems when all I wanted was to be heard
Thank you for not doing anything
Thank you for waiting for so long
Thank you for doing anything at all
Thank you

reading all those things
yeah that was a mistake
it's not like i haven't made mistakes before
but i thought i was better than this
or maybe they thought i was better than this
did i ever get better
or has this all just been lies
me trying to wait it out
so i can go back to my life
what's the sense in that
i'm here because i hated that life
or it hated me
i'm not sure anymore
either way
i wanted to escape
and now that things are better
i want to go back
i need to go back
not really but my options
are running low
i hate to think that i thought i found the answer
which turned out to be another game
as fun as that is
i'm tired of this ****
and i want to go home
but i'm already here
i just want to stop
to give up and let go
of all the things i convinced myself of
locked in my paper crate room
did it even make a difference
that's what i keep asking myself
do i just have to try harder
or am i completely ******
is this it
am i just not meant for life
is that how this is
i have things to do today
and i hate them
because as much as i wish i could go back in time
i know this truth
that nothing would be better
things would change
yeah they'd change a lot
but not for the better
because honestly
i hated myself as much back then as i do now
and even before that
before the winter ended
i still liked myself
more than i do now
i had something going for me
that's what i tell myself
if i could go back in time
i would change everything
i would try out for a different team
i would never have broken up with them
i would've tried to figure things out
i would've joined my friend
at that stupid art program
i would've ******* held on to the friends
that i managed to lose
so swiftly and ungracefully
i...
i don't know what i would've done
about him
in an ideal world
we never would've met
in an ideal world...
that year would've never happened
but the further back i go
the more i try to fix
the more i begin to realize that **** has been going wrong
for so ******* long
that i couldn't fix this if i tried
so what went wrong
i can blame a couple of things
but it doesn't explain it all
maybe nothing can explain
the chemical side
maybe i was just born to be ****** up
i wish i hadn't been born at all
it would've been much easier
if my older brother would've lived
maybe if i
had been born as him
things would've been better
i'd be a senior
gearing up for life
i'd probably be smart and tall
maybe ugly but probably not
i'd probably like girls and guys
just like i do now
i'd go to a good college
like my parents wanted me to
not some **** school in maine
that anyone can get into
i'd make everyone proud
and i'd beat up my sister's exes
if they ****** with her
and i'd do my best
i'd give her better advice
because she likes guys and i'd be a guy
and maybe things wouldn't be as ******
with my dad
but then again maybe they'd be worse
maybe he wouldn't've been gone so much
maybe a little boy would've been
enough to make him stay
maybe they never would've
fought in the first place
maybe i would've been everything
i am not today
maybe i would've been happy
maybe that's who i was meant to be
but i'm not
i'm not him
and i'm stuck with this life
at some other point
that would've made me strong
knowing that i get to play with the cards
i've been dealt
but now it just makes me want
to throw in the towel
to say i've had enough
because i have
i've had far too much
and nothing ever changes
and **** never gets better
and i'm still the hopeless wreck i've been
since i was a little girl
i don't regret anyone
or anything
other than myself
this has been
my sad ***** rant
if you read it all
i'm sorry
go somewhere else
this page is not a happy place to be

I don't know why I keep writing
I barely think I know you
You're just my confessional
At this point
I'll keep going
Knowing you'll never see this
You'll never read this
That's good
That's definitely good
Because I don't know what I'd say
If you said you'd read
Through twenty-eight days
Of the worst poetry
Known to mankind
That'd just be embarrassing
For both you and me
Part of me hopes
You never write back
I want to let this go
So I can freely wallow
In my current state of mind
But I can't do that
I'm not doing this for you
And I'm certainly not doing this for me
I guess I'm doing it
As some part of my deranged moral code
I need to prove
That I am something more
Than an empty shell
That the things I believe in
Are more than lies I tell myself

And that's when it hits
Everything
That's been held up by strings
Crashes down
Around my feet
I'm lost
Again
In the same old maze
Of belated happenings
And the skies
That we made
Will keep fading away
To show me the blackness
Behind my eyes
If I sit here long enough
Star gazing past the sun
It will assuredly
Occur to me
That the only way out
Is into space

I recognize my failings
I just wish
They'd recognize me

Too many thoughts
Are living in my mind
Competing for a spot
In the light
I can't do it all
I don't remember his name
But I guess that I
Might love him anyways
I fall so easy
And so **** hard
When I land
I'll be bruised
Maybe he'll leave a scar
That I can trace
A physical memory
That I can't erase
Not that I'd choose
To forget about you
Anyways