I will never be able to look at red paint the same way after that night

bored
so ******* bored
tick
...
tock
...
tick
...
tock
I want to smash that stupid clock
time drags on like a dress caught in thorns
pulling at the soft fabric
tick
...
tock
...
tick
...
tock
thats it
time to die
******* clock

I wish I could help you
I wanna help people
I wanna help you
I wanna help my big brother
I wanna help my mom
And I wanna help me
But I don't know how
I wanna learn
How to help you

*******
Just ********
Im not going to stop doing something because it makes me happy
You always said "do what makes you happy"
But I guess you changed your mind
Well *******
Im not gonna stop
Im gonna do what makes me happy
And if you don't like it
********

you are my heart beat
you saved me
you are my light
and I know its cheesy
but you are my world
you are my everything
I love you
you are my sky
you are my moon
you are the warm sunshine on a summer day
you are my love

I don't want to survive

I want to live

I would give up my sight,
So you could see how beautiful you are.
I would give up my hearing,
So you could hear all the nice things people say about you.
I would give up my heart,
So you could love your self.
I would give up my voice,
So you could say you love your body.
I would give up my mind,
So you could think about the good things and not the bad.
I would give up every part of me if it would help you.

A little girl
A little girl with dark skin and curly hair
Bullied
Hurt
Called names because of how she was born
A mother
A shining beacon of light
Loving and caring
Writes words on paper
"I am beautiful, I am black"
The little girl reads
"I am smart. I am funny"
A smile
"I am vibrant. I am kind"
A laugh
"I am honest. I am helpful. I am graceful. I am nice. I am proud to be brown. I am magical, unbreakable, and confident.”
These words brought tears to my eyes
And I am sure that she will do great things

Im fine
Im fine
Im fine
Im alright
Im 100 percent fine
Im fine
Im fine
Imineimfineimfine
Im fine
No really im fine
Im lovely
Great
Perfect
*maybe if i say it enough it will be true

If you feel like you can't survive
Simply ask yourself if you can survive the month
And if you can't do that ask yourself if you can survive the week
If you can't do that, the day
Or simply the second
And live in that second in tell the next one starts

Some poems are hard, I just don’t know what to write
the words stick in the back of my head
and refuse to form sentences and lines.
I sit and wait and hope for the words but
they are lost in the jumble that is my thoughts
like a tangled ball of yarn I have to untangle it piece by piece

and hope it is usable and not just a pile of ruined thoughts.
it reminds me of knitting a sweater
stitch by stitch, word by word, it comes together
and after work and some time it makes
a beautiful thing to be worn and showed off,
but sometimes it fails and falls apart

it unravels in my hands and the hard work
that I have put my love into is lost  
it crumbles like a cliff into the sea
making waves that crash and wreck my body
leaving it helpless and crumpled
like the ball of paper I threw on the floor.

a small white ball on a grey floor,
the beauty of it hits me and I find my inspiration
it’s something simple but isn’t all beauty simple?
the curl of hair on a lover stretched out like a cat in the sun
moonlight floating through the window
falling on a pale white limb so much like the paper

with scribbles and crossed out lines
the paper is beautiful, damaged yes
but beautiful none the less, like a body
with curves and waves and endings and beginnings
scars and stretch marks pail in the dark
shining like tears on the cheek of a girl who lost

lost a parent, or a love, or lost the part of her
that cried “you are beautiful
“you are loved, it’s okay not to be okay
“as long as you rise up again and what ever
you do, do not forget who you are”
it is beauty plain and simple

and as you read my piece of paper
with the lost poem of the girl who fell apart you’ll see
its simple the floor is the sky and the word are stars

When somebody asked me what superpower I would like to have
I had to think.

Maybe......healing powers so I could jump off of a tall building and make you watch
I wouldn't tell you that I would live
So that you feel the pain I would feel if you did the same thing

Maybe.....knowing everything so I can know just what to say when you are falling into the dark.
So I can know what will help you

Maybe......flight so I can catch you when you fall
And fly you up to the clouds

Maybe......time travel so I could go back in time and tell you not to go down the path that will tear you apart
So I could take you forward in time to show you that everything will be okay

Maybe......the ability to take anybody's pain and make it my own
So I could take all your pain away from you
So you could sleep at night
So you could smile all the time

I would do all that even if it killed me
So please know that even tho I can't do those things I'm still here for you

Evah: noun
Meaning: The one I want to spend the rest of my life with, The one who stole my heart, My safe place, My sweetheart, The one I would tear the stars down for and steel the sun from the sky if she wished, My home

The Rose silently grows up high,
Stretches reaches up to the sky,
The moon up in the dark blue sky looks down with pity in her eyes for the passionate Rose.

The watchmen sits at the darkest hour waiting for the morning shower.

I used to think I was different
special
weird
but I'm not
I read and paint
I sew and write poetry
I look after little kids
and I love
I'm a gay 15 year old with a girlfriend
I watch anime and read fanfic
I roleplay and cosplay
but so do my friends I am just like them
I'm not different
I am a cookie cutter
just like everybody else
and after telling myself I was weird for 15 years
its hard to be normal
I don't know what to do
I want to be different
but I'm not

Some nights I can't bring myself to turn on the bathroom light because I don't want to see the scars.

Some nights I can't sleep because the pain of the day is heavy on my shoulders.  

Some nights I cry and sob because I feel like I can't do it and I'm not enough.

Some nights I pick up the blade and I can't bring myself to put it back down again .

Some nights I just want to sleep and never wake back up.

Some nights I gasp and shake from the cold and fear.

Some nights I hum softly because I can't stand the silence.

The first thing you should know is that he doesn't care
He shows up randomly and doesn't wipe his feet off or help around the house
He whispers to me how much he loves me but then he turnes his back when I need him most
He wants me to eat and then tells me I'm fat and ugly
He keeps me in bed way past when I should have got up
He forces himself apon me and makes me swallow him down
He screames at me and then when I try to tell someone about it he gags me and won't let me leave my house
He tears apart my life
He tells me about all the things my friends say about me,
That they think I'm worthless,
That I'm nothing
He said that he is the only one who loves me
He gives me little presents of cuts and scars,
bruises along my les and arms
He kisses me goodnight and wakes me up in the middle of the dark to scream about that stupid thing I said to the guy at the store
He uses me for his own pleasure and leaves me broken and lost
He lurks over my shoulder and scares off my friends
He pulls me to the bottom of the pit and kicks me,
Ribs snapping like twigs,
Flesh and skin tearing like paper,
Tears flowing like a river.

I'm curled up on the bathroom floor
Wishing for something more
But what it is I do not know
Maybe love or a way to show,
My bleeding heart, the shattered glass
I hope this feeling will pass
Maybe a blade stained with red
Or a way out of my broken head
I'm gonna try to sleep  
So off to my bed I creep
Goodnight
Sleep tight
Goodbye
Don't cry, for me
I'll be free

I'm naked sitting on my bed
Wrapped in an old leather jacket
Bad thoughts running through my head
I lay there and think **** it
Maybe I'm not ment for this planet
So I let the tears frame my face
My body as cold as granite
As I quietly slip into empty space

I have changed.
I have grown.
I am older now in mind and body,
I have loved and,
I will love her still.
I came out as bi to my parents
And I have learned many things,
You have helped me to know who I am,
And so I thank you,
My sister,
My brother,
My friend,
Thank you my Em.

Every girl wonders who her one true love will be,
While the only things on boys minds are video games and TV.

She assaults me with words and feelings I can't deal with and then says I should thank her more often
Sure let me thank you for breaking my clean
Let me thank you for making me want to cut
Yes please I would like to spend my day looking for razor blades
Thank you for making me throw up
Thank you for the nightly tears
The yelling
The fighting
The blaming
The self hate
Thank you mother for giving me my depression on a silver platter
And then asking me to thank you

It's like I'm stuck in slow motion
Trying to catch up but unable to
Trying to be like everyone else
But I can't

The steam from my tea rises up into the sky,
Like an angel, small and white
I wish I could rise with it
Up into the grey sky
Never looking back to the cold dark ground

I almost saw the stars,
Jupiter, Venus and Mars.
But you stole my wings from me,
And replaced them with a cheep plastic mockery.
I ran away tonight,
Ran from the dull city lights.
I ran away in the rain,
hoping it would wash away my pain.
But the dark was lonely,
It didn't consume me.
Maybe I'll have better luck next time,
Maybe I'll come up with a better rhyme.

A bird sits in a cage.
      Waiting for the day he is set free
               He sings bright and clear at first
        But as the days drag on and on
                The song dims and dips
              He's so alone,
                    So afraid,
                      That he'll never get out.
                     He starts to panic
                   To flutter and fade.
                 He tries to fly away
               But the bars stop him
                       He's trapped.

             My heart is the bird.
                     My ribs the cage.
                           And I'm afraid.
                                So lost and afraid.
                                      Help me fly away.
                                                                         please......

you say "you'll be okay"
"your not small and alone"

I want to scream "stop lying to me"
but I don't want to hurt you
so I keep quiet
and cry softly

A shadow kneeling at my bed,
Can it mean that I am dead?

Your words came to late
The damage was all ready done
The cuts all ready made
The tears all ready shed
The rope was to late
I'm sorry I falled you
But I couldn't hold on
I was slipping in to a dark abyss
And I have yet to return
You where to late to save me
Just go on without me
You can do it I know
The sun shone on me to late
I was all ready consumed by the dark
It was all just to late

hey love
i know your scared
i am too
but we can do this
together
because we are strong
and i believe in us
i love you so much
i know you are strong
ill be right here for you
im not going anywhere
i love you

I went from really hi
to very low
in a matter of minutes

Its not over till the fat lady sings.
Well what if I'm not done?
What if I want to stay?
What if I don't want to listen to the curvy angel?
What if I want to stay shining?
I don't want to leave,
I want to sing my own song,
I will live my own life,
On my terms and not some lades.
Thank you but,
Its not over till I say so.

You made me feel,
Better about myself,
Happy and safe,
That I was loved.

You made me see,
That my body is beautiful,
That the stars shine brighter if you are with someone,
Just how alive I really am.

You made me want,
To be with you all the time,
To climb the highest mountain just to see the sky,
To really live and not just survive.

You made me believe,
That everything will be okay,
That even tho the clouds will cover the sky sometimes the sun will always come back,
In myself,

You made me strong,
More than I could ever be without you,
So I can hold the fear and dark away,
By just being with me.

You have made me who I am now,
And for that I thank you,
My beautiful, love.

when you ask me: how do you feel?
what i say is: I'm good, how are you?
when i really mean: I'm scared. of loosing the fight,
i  feel hopeless, i almost lost last night.

when you ask: do you want to eat?
what i say is: no I'm not hungry. i had a big lunch
when what i really mean is: yes. i haven't eaten in days.
please tell me to eat because i will if you tell me to.

when you say: you look sad, are you aright?
what i say is: yeah I'm fine. i just finished a sad book.
when what i mean is: no. I'm not. please help me because
i feel lost. and alone. I'm scared.

when you ask me: why don't you smile more?
i say: i don't know
but i really mean: i feel to alone to smile.
and i don't have the energy to.

when you ask me: what wrong?
all i say is: nothing
but inside I'm screaming: i feel like i can't breathe.
the sun is to bright it hurts my eyes. can you help me?

so listen to my words and if i ever say: I'm alright
know that I'm most definitely not alright.
its okay its not your fault you didn't hear
i hid my thoughts
but i live in fear.

Her tears still lingered on my collarbone
The sobs that wracked her body still linger
The soft plee of "let me stay" unspoken
Her mother arrived
The car started
It drove away taking her with
"I'll see you tonight" I promised
I will see her
I promise

I have a problem and I don't know how to tell you.
I wanted to say it in person.
But I couldn't find the words.
So I'll put it here.

I can't ask for help.
I'll be in so much pain that I can barely breathe,
But I can't do it.

I'll have a trouble with a math problem,
But I can't ask you.

I will be curled up on the floor sobbing,
But I'll tell you I'm fine.

It's happening right now.
I have a headache.
But will I ask for a pill?
Nope.

I don't know what to do.
I know it's bad but.
I just can't.
Sorry.

A whirlwind of thoughts and all I can say is

**...

And so you see that I must go
in to this wild abbis
Where the dark swirls and the light shrinks away.
I'm sorry my love
But the night is calling,
calling me away
The bird song means nothing
And laughter is all for naught
Because I must go dancing,
Dancing to the hill and
to the sea
where the butterflies spin webs of love and the tiger is my friend.

My poems are like night and day.
One happy the next sad.
One full of hope and light.
The next one dark and depressing.
Night and day.
Light and dark.
Hope and agony.
There is no in between.

I have no reason to be "sad"
I should be fine
I've been around friends
And my sweetheart
But I'm not happy
I'm down in the dumps
I'm at rock bottom
I just want to go home
And curl up in a ball and sleep
Watch supernatural
And snuggle my baby girl
Please let me go home

life
no
maybe
flowers and sunshine
light green trees
why? because life is one big spinning wheel of happy and sad
the flowers shine in the dark glowing softly against the green grass
i don't know what I'm righting but oh well
words scribbled on old paper drawn with an old crayon
life death nonononono yes? no
okay
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
just kidding
I'm not  
time to bow and leave the stage with a fake grin plastered on my face
goodnight