what if your guardian angel is actually your soul mate that died before they could meet you?
Some times just before you fall asleep that feeling you have like you are safe and warm,
its your soul mate giving you a goodnight kiss
and tucking you in
whispering in your ear how much they love you
and to sleep well and
they will see you in the morning
and when you wake up they are right there with you
helping you thru the day
holding your hand as you walk down the street and going out to lunch with you and your friends.
Imagine you decide to stay in that night and they smile and laugh because they have you all to them selfs.

Or when you are sad curled up on the bathroom floor they are sitting next to you telling you not to cry that every thing will be okay.
How do you think they would feel if you cut your wrists or your leg, think of how they would feel not being able to hold you and for you to hear them say that its okay to not be okay and they are here for you,
that even tho you are down now you will get better that life has its ups and downs and you will be okay.

How do you think they would feel if you where standing on the edge of a bridge at an open window,
or with a knife in you hand ready to open you veins and poor out your blood,
think of how they would feel,

what if they where standing next to you yelling at you begging for you not to jump
to put the knife down
and fight just so you will see the world as they never could.
Because even tho you would be together in death
they want for you to live
for you to have the opportunity to love another
to see and do all that you want.
Because life is short and you would have all of your after life to fall in love with them.    -HBN

the world is grey
and dark
I don't like the grey
its boring
and plain
and then
you come in to it
and the world is
full of color
and light
and its...
beautiful
and bright
but then you leave
and it goes grey
I see friends
and there
is a bit of color
but its faded
and dull
but then
the rain comes
and washes
the grey away
and color returns
but then
the puddles dry
and its grey again
I'm
alone
help
me
no sorry
I'm fine
really I am
I'm good
its grey
so grey
I hate grey
and thats why I draw
and paint
so i can put
artificial color
in the world
when i go
to museums
i see the color
in the art
but outside
its grey
i love books,
stores
its warm
and filled with stores
and stores have color
thats why I read
thats why i dance
because the
movement
fills me with
color
thats what
this world  
has come to
people looking
for color
for light
all there life
sometimes
we don't find it
and so the world
is **grey

We're all little lights in the darkness
Will you be my light?
Because my lights gone out
I feel lighter when I'm with you
Please don't let your light go out

I'm tired.
Of watching life pass me by without a second glance,
I'm tired.
Of being a back seat driver of my own story,
I'm tired.
Of seeing my happiness come and go fading like smoke on a cold day,
I'm tired.
Of staying up late every night and waking to the belles of lunch,
I'm tired.
Of the same dark like the deep pools of ink in the black night,
I'm tired.
Of life,
Of pain,
I can't do it anymore.
I have to change.
Goodbye to my pain.
I will not miss you.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you,
I was trying to help myself.

I'm sorry I didn't see the cuts,
I was busy trying to stop the blood,

I'm sorry I didn't love you sooner,
I was trying to love myself.

I'm sorry I can't be there all the time,
I have to try hard to be there to eat dinner.

I'm sorry I didn't push you to eat more,
I was trying to choke down my lunch.

I'm sorry
So so sorry

hiding from the ones that would do us harm
stealing quick kisses when there backs are turned
hoping they will not see the way we glance at each other.

hiding from our parents
scared of what they would say.
of what they would think.
of how they would react.

hiding in the dark
warm kisses when we are alone
the quickening of breath when someone walks by the door
the rushed attempt to calm our racing hearts.

hiding the hurt
I feel when I can't see you.
or when I found out about he pain
you where hiding from me

hiding the tears I want to shed
because I want to tell my mother but
her words hang over my head like a dark cloud
"if you where in love with someone" she said.
"I would never let you spend the night at there house and vice versa".

and so I hide in tell I know
I'm strong enough to tell her
in tell We are  strong enough to tell Them.

I'm empty again
All emotions and feelings
Drained away
Leaving me empty
Its nothing new
I'm used to it now
But still it feels wrong
What should I do?
How can I make it stop?
Empty again
I hate it
But hate is just a word with no meaning
Nothing behind the words
I love you is just a thing people say
It doesn't mean anything to me
I hurt my friends because I can't understand the things they are feeling
Empty again
Again
Again
I am
Empty

They are treating me like I'm sick.
I know what I am.
And sick is not one of the word I would choose.
Hurt,
Yup.
Lost,
Definitely.
Scared,
Hopeless,
Dark,
Yes, yes, and yes.
But sick?
No.
I thought telling my teacher would be easy.
I reached out to her because I know she can help me
But, I think I..
I...
I need help
I need friends and family to know what I'm doing behind all these closed and locked doors.
Because maybe if they know,
They can help break the doors and melt the locks.
I need love.
Not people telling me I am sick.
I hate hearing people describe self harm and depression
As a sickness
If I was sick I would be throwing up not cutting my arm to see if I still bleed,
If I was sick I wouldn't go to work I would stay in bed and read all day not drag myself out of the warm embrace that is the sheets and pillows I sleep in,
If I was sick it would be shorter than seven months of pain and hurt.
I need a psychiatrist,
I need a therapist,
Not some **** bag telling me "just be happy. you'll get over it."
And worst of them all is "its just a phase"
I know I'm not depressed
I know I'm in a depression
I know I can't look at a blade without thinking of all the blood I have spilled,
I know I need help.
but what I don't know it how to ask for it.