do you ever feel like your incapable of loving,
because you feel like you could never love someone like you used to love another?
like your fear has made a bar that you can touch but not surpass,
like nothing will ever match how you used to feel?

You keep on running back to her
like a dog at dinner
you keep on running back to her,
banging on her door till she answers.
You know so much about her, yet you have yet to learn that her love for you is not pure.
You are so consumed by her beauty that it doesn't matter.
Her wrongs turn into rights,
her reds into yellows,
her deep brown eyes freezing you in time.
Her Love is so sinful,
yet you keep tugging on her rope till she falls down with you.

I like to forgive people
even if they do me wrong
because what right do I have not forgiving,
when my Father knows every single thing that I have done wrong,
but yet has forgiven me for all of them?

In my prayers I ask God to release me from my anger
my anger towards people,
my anger towards the world.
Because to be frank,
I don't want to live an angry life.
I don't want to live a life full of anger and hate.
I want to live in a perfect world, but I know that is not possible, for mankind makes all kinds of different mistakes.
So instead I trust God, I trust his plan, and because I have that trust, I know that everything will be okay.
Life will be okay with those different mistakes, as long as I trust.

Look back and thank God.
Look Forward and trust God.

Jade,
do you know how much you have changed me?
You have changed me so much,
and as you start to fade away, I have this conflicting feeling of if I want to remember it or not.
I connect you with the person I was before.

Jade,
Ill remember you when you pop into my dreams.
Ill remember you when theres nothing else to think about.
through sad old songs,
through poems and letters,
through grass and flowers,
Ill always remember you as my first love.

Have you noticed how once we start getting happier,
we tend to write less?
atleast I do.
I think its because all we ever do is complain.
and once theres nothing to complain about,
theres really nothing to talk about, nothing to write about.
I guess you could take that as a good thing,
or maybe a bad thing.

I remember crying waterfalls in my bed,
struggling to get out,
and then Jesus came.
Jesus saved me.
I accepted Jesus's grace,
and i finally understood.

I think that I know that it was all ment to be.
No,
I believe.
I believe that it was all ment to happen.
That God closed that door because he knew I couldn't,
And that if he was the right one,
Our love would never have failed.
But because it did, I know that it was never love.

I go to the doctors
just for a checkup,
she puts her hand on my chest to feel my heart.
And at that moment i wonder if she can feel how its broken into a million pieces.
I wonder if she can feel with each thump, another piece breaking off.
I wonder if she can feel all the denial, all the workers in my brain trying to mend those pieces together,
but then it all breaking apart again.

Time has passed
I have moved on
but one word still glimmers
Hope.

I wonder if I have been in anyone else's prayers.
I wonder if someone else has prayed every single day about me.
I wonder if an angel number has ever been about me,
wishing that they could have a chance with me,
just like i wished for a chance with him.

Jade is my first love.
he's the one that will always stay in my heart, even after each season passes.
one piece of my heart is always dedicated to him.
I will never forget his birthday, his favorite color, his favorite shirt,
because part of me is him.

i got hit with the true reality the other day,
and the reality always hurts.
the reality that sometimes things don't go your way,
and sometimes the person you thought God made for you was made for someone else.
and it's hard to understand that,
its hard to understand that you are not ment for them.
it's hard to understand that some things that some things that you wished were ment to be arn't.
and every song you sent to them,
every song they sent to you,
it'll remind you of them.
thats the true reality.
but there will be a time of all of Jesus's healings will finally heal you whole.
there will come a time where you will hear that song on the radio,
and think,
hey thats a good song,
and not start crying to the beat of it.
there will come a time when you won't beat yourself over what you could've done differently that would change the way he feels about you.
Some things arn't ment to be permanent,
thats the true reality.

I know that I love you still,
because every time I pray to the Lord,
your somehow in it.
Weaved into my prayers of health, my prayers of love, my prayers of happiness, is your name.
Because your somehow forever in my life, as a memory and as a figure, and I don't know how to accept that.
And even though I hate to admit it, I will pray for your love until the Lord pulls me the other way.