When the weirdest words awaken such a consciousness of the distance in between
When my mind suddenly remembers that it's been a million years already
When my heart aches
When my breath's unsteady
When my shoulders shake
And the tears keep coming
When the fear of not reaching you stops me from calling
When my prayers are boxes of deep, deep yearning

It's okay though
I'm not sad
I was
But not anymore
I'm lucky
I have you
You're here
I miss you
I need you
I love you
Carried everywhere
I want you
I'm happy
Soliloquizing
You're not here
You can't hear me
I can't hold you
Come close
I miss you
I feel incomplete.

Thousands of conversations ago
I had not the slightest clue
That I would fall in love
With your words
Your ways
Your laughter

Now it resounds through me
Every piece of you that became a part
Of my evolved, convoluted self
I kinda see you not just in every win
But in every dream
And it hurts that I had to let go...

For every moment with you shined.

Well, you got me again.
It's been a while since we rode together, old friend.
Although you've been there,
Stalking me in the shadows.
You thought I didn't notice your subtle signs,
The different costumes you wear,
The places that you hide.

But I do, and I did;
Every single time.
I was aware and wary,
But I guess not careful enough.
You got me this time,
But I promise this will be your last.

I know that I'm loved
But it's not so often that I feel so loved by those around me
I know that I'm loved
But there's just so many burdens and no one there to remind me
But today,
I knew it
I felt it
Something so tangible
I cried because of it
I laughed because of it
Long
Hard
It's like the whole year was set up for this day
Conveniently at the close of the year
Like a kind of mini-evaluation
That I gave my best when I could
I loved as hard as I should
I was there for people when it mattered
And my days were not time wasted on the flimsy distractions that life sets up for us.

Seeing those messages,
Despite the ardous task of replying them all
Didn't make me happy,
Oh no!
The word seems too simple
Too ephemeral to describe this
Seeing all those messages
Was like a reminder that I do matter
And the little things I do or say matters
That I'm loved for me, every version right till this moment
And every other version that follows till Christ comes
I'll stop here because this is getting too long
It's sounding more like a Taylor Swift song
Lol.

In all, I just wanted to thank you.
For being here, for knowing me
For showing love
I appreciate you❤️

It's been a while
I know
I remember
It's just that time flies so fast
And somehow I lost myself
And my bearings
And my visions
These days I wake up and I forget to pray
My thoughts immediately flying to all the things that need to be done
Problems that need to be solved
But in the midst of it
It became too much
So I ran
And now I'm back

I missed you
You were my source of release
The lifter of these burdens
Did you miss me?
Did you miss hearing me whine?
About every little thing?
Did you miss the way I would twist my words until they sang a deliberate melody?
I hope you did
Cause I missed you
And hopefully I'm back for good.

Everything feels incomplete
Like one part just keeps going on repeat
Same old story told in different ways
Halfway in, that's where the story ends
It just feels like something's missing
I can't get the thought out of my head
Even when I thought we were finished
I still wait for replies from you
All day
All night
I try not to look desperate
And so I count
The seconds
The minutes
Until the ache becomes too strong to ignore
My heart is torn
We're growing apart
And I can't tell if this is the good or the bad part
Probably the good
Cause when you finally leave
It'll be much harder

21-06-2020
© R.S.A.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
When you say you love me,
My heart beats so fast - it's abnormal,
My smile gets so wide - it's illegal,
My mouth has to be covered so tight,
Cause saying "I love you" is a normal response to you.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
But I can't say them back to you.
It's a promise that's too difficult to keep;
A commitment that I can't get trapped in;
And I'm sorry you have to suffer for my insecurities,
But I guess you should find consolation in the fact that it hurts me;
Cause that's the only gift I can currently give,
And that *****.

Your texts brought with them
Little busts of joy
I'm sorry I acted so coy.
Reading those words;
"I love you"
Boosted my self-esteem.
If I could be loved by you,
Then I'm worthy to be loved.
But then you destroyed me,
And now I constantly seek love and approval
From sources that don't even matter to me.
And that *****!

I hid behind that mask again;
That makes me look human enough to be loved.
All that time I thought of;
How repulsed you'd be if;
You caught a glimpse of the real me.
The more you express your love,
The more my heart sinks;
My smile dampens;
My mind freezes.
Cause I can't help but panic as I think,
"I must be a great actor,
Cause you can't see what's beneath this."
What happens when the acting stops?
That will probably mean the end;
Because the mask you love is too hard to keep up,
And eventually it will come off.
The real me is undeserving of your love,
And truly that *****.

I feel his presence behind
I hear the danger in his stride
I smell the trouble in his perfume
As he caresses my side.
The calculatedness of his every move
Automatically has me on guard
I turn around and look into deep, brown eyes
With a red glow in his irises
Must be a trick of the light
But I'm so afraid of the sight.
The air freezes
Or that could be me
Holding my breath in
Just an exhale and he could unleash
His wrath on me
I'm too scared of his wrath.
I wanted freedom and I found him
A bigger prison than I previously escaped.
All hope but one lost
I pray I live another day.

I can't believe you want me back
I've missed you.

Open up your heart
Love is waiting
To get in...

If you see my lover
Tell him that I didn't mean
To hurt him
Or break his heart
Or tear us apart
It's just one of those things
That happen
When you least expect it
When you're at your weakest
It was just a mistake
I regretted it.

If you see my lover
Tell him I'm ready to grovel
At his feet
Do whatever it takes
To make things right with him
It's hard to admit
But I can't tell
Where I start and he finishes
He is my everything.

You think this will be funny
But it's not
The title misleads
Might as well move on.
If you choose to stay
Then it's your choice
But remember I didn't promise
To make your jaw hurt.

Honesty!
What is this concept?
Does it mean saying what the other person wants to hear
Or...
Or saying what actually happened.
And if this thing called 'honesty' is a good thing,
Then why does it make me feel this way?

How can he not love me anymore?
How can he just walk out the door?
Like all this time means nothing
Like I was just a silly game to play.

I never promised this would be funny
But my life's a joke so
Let's toast.

You held me
And all my fears
Disappeared.
I'm safe.

I hide my feelings
Intermittently
Under a juvenile behavior
I am but a child
But only in the eyes of fools.

Wise men see what's beneath
The unspoken words covered up in a heartbeat
They learn to watch more; say less
They understand there's more to things than meets the eye
They see through the facade
But give no comment
They wait for the right time
To dig up the whole truth
Then they wipe your eyes when you cry
Hold you together when you breakdown
Raise you up when you hit the ground

Somehow I'm surrounded by only fools
No one can be blamed for this but me
For the kind of company I chose to keep.

I appreciate your candour;
Your scars;
Your heart.
I appreciate each word;
That comes out of your mouth.

Your voice soothes;
It calms;
It heals.
My system responds;
At peace;
At ease.

I appreciate your smile;
Your eyes;
Your lies.
You said you'd never leave;
But then you said bye.

My heart is in pieces,
But I'll pick them up.
I'll place them together;
I'll stand up tall.

I was abandoned;
By you;
My love.
But I'm thanking you;
You made me strong.

I was alone last night,
When the news came in.
My heart pounded,
I was excited.
My prayer had been answered -
One of them was.
I was filled with joy,
It overflowed -
With tears,
Laughter.
I was glad,
Nothing could spoil my mood.

But then comes another.
A knife stabbed in my heart.
I didn't want to see,
Didn't want to believe.
But ignorance can't be feigned,
When the truth has been seen.
I want to cry,
But the tears won't come.
All I feel is that pain,
While everything else is numb.

I found joy;
I found pain.
I gained a want;
I lost a friend.
The joy will pass;
He won't return again.
I'd like to not receive news again.

To the one I love
That my words have hurt
I apologize
It's not my fault.
I probably didn't think them through
I honestly never meant them to
Be like knives to you
I'm sure the hurt you felt
Distinguished the light in your eyes
Even for a moment
And I sincerely apologize.
It's not something I tend to do
I don't derive pleasure from seeing you
Hurt and fragile
In denial
Fighting with your demons
With blank stares and glazed eyes.
I never meant to cause you pain
But I know I did
Cause something flashed in your eyes
The moment the words escaped my lips without a second thought
I recognize the hatred in your gaze
It made me sick.

I'm so sorry.

They say it'll be worth it
Even if it doesn't last
They say the good times
Will cover the bad
They say to just dive in
To not think about the depth
They say to just to take a leap
Despite what tomorrow may bring

But I'd rather not
I'd rather not do that
I'd rather not set my heart up
To be broken to shreds
I'd rather not let you in
Than to do that and later watch you leave
I'd rather stay isolated
So there'll be no memories to haunt me
To remind me of what I once had
Forever taunting me
Cause it can never be found again

So no
Even if they say
The pros outweigh the cons
I'd rather not have any at all.

To whom it may concern
I've been hurt so many times
My heart has become a broken egg shell
All its essence poured out
I want to be puerile
But I've been forever changed
A line has been crossed
And I don't know if I can go back.

To whom it may concern
I want my heart to be whole again
I need someone to hold again
I want to feel strong and loved again
It seems like a feat too impossible to achieve
But I can't help but hope for it.

To whom it may concern
If you genuinely care
Then I need you to tell me and always be there
Let your words and actions towards me be fair
I've been through a lot
I've fallen down so many stairs.

To whom it may concern
You may grow to love me
If you eventually do please try to fix me
No matter how I difficult I am don't ever leave me
I promise when I'm better you'll love the real me.

Though it's not the smartest thing to do,
I lose myself when I'm with you.
Though it's the one thing I can't say to you,
I find myself always erasing the text "I love you."

You thought I'd be blinded -
By your charm,
And your smooth talk.
You thought you could deceive;
Little naïve me.

But what you don't know is that;
I am a poet,
A master of deception.
I hide behind words on a daily.
I can read between your;
Sweet words and;
Sugary sentences.
So please try your lines,
On someone else;
That will be easier to bewitch.
Bogus words,
Don't fool me,
Not anymore.

I want to kiss you
I'm attracted to you
But I don't like you
I don't want to be with you
I just want to use you
Until I'm satisfied
Then I can leave you
Without second thoughts.

This ache in my heart
I wish it was nociceptive
I wish it was fleeting
I wish it would pass
But it won't
It'll continue to torment me
Until I've lost myself
In the negativity
It offers.

Dear Mr. Moore,

I'm not going to tell you
That I know what's best for you
Though I may
I'll only tell you that I'm here
To support you
And show that I care
To comfort you
When no one else is there
To wait on you
And be a listening ear.

You don't have to hold it in
Your doubts
Your insecurities
You don't have to hide
Your troubles
Your worries
You can tell me
No one else will hear it
I promise
You are not alone
You know I'll listen
To all your stories.

You know I'd never judge
Cause I don't know a thing
About the way the world works
I have no experiences
I am just a young foolish girl
Who is now attached to your presence
Maybe I could help you
Maybe I couldn't.

All I want is to make it easier for you
If you ask me why
Even I do not have a single clue
There is no hidden motive
Or agenda behind the things I do
Before I even knew you
There was something there
Pulling me to you.

So don't be scared
And don't pretend
At least not with me
Cause I'm here to make it easier for you
So you should make it easier for me.

I wait all day for the train,
But it has been delayed.
I sit a few feet from the tracks,
As time just slips away.

I finally escaped,
But my getaway,
Hasn't come to take me away.

And my past will soon catch up to me,
I guess I'll never truly be free.

I hide when I should fight,
Fight when I should hide.
I cry when I should smile,
Smile when I should cry.
I retreat when I should attack,
Attack when I should retreat.

Sighs

I'm lost,
I want to be found.
I'm stuck,
I want to move around.
This goop keeps holding me,
Within this circumference;
In this perimeter;
Hidden beneath shawls.

Life is hard.
You'll never get what you want,
Or wish for,
Or deserve,
All life gives you is lemons-
Lemons and limes.

Not ev-ree-wún can put words down
In stanzas and lines
And make them rhyme.

Not ev-ree-wún will pour out
Their hearts on a page
To clear out the rage.

Not ev-ree-wún wants to write
When they are in pain
Depressed or afraid.

Not ev-ree-wún can be honest
With themselves
And write about how they feel
About something or someone else​
Or even themselves.

Not ev-ree-wún can be creative
Not ev-ree-wún can tell the truth
Not ev-ree-wún can be a pow-it.

If I comment
Three hearts beneath your poem
It means that
I love love love your work

Sometimes I have too much to say
Or nothing to say at all
But I love to appreciate beautiful words
Because beautiful words should be appreciated

I love when my words mean something
To you reading
And a lot of your words mean something to me too
So I put it all into these
Three little hearts

❤❤❤

Whether your poetry is from a dark place
Or from a light heart
Whether something bad happened
Or something good started
If you shared it
And I saw it
And appreciate it
You'll find three little hearts
Beside my name
Beneath your work
In a format like this -

Rahama Abdulkadri ❤❤❤.

Wait!
Don't move.
  He already won,
   There's nothing else to prove.

Wait!
Don't try.
  He's holding back your wings,
   He won't let you fly.

Wait!
He's hiding.
  You need to be careful,
   'Cause he's lying there; waiting.

Now listen -
You thought he loved you,
  Remember I warned you.
   He just needed you to be there,
    To do his bidding,
     Whatever he asked,
      Whenever.

You were enslaved by his c
                                               h
                                               a
                                               r
                                               m
                                               s.
He stopped you from doing so many things,
Even leaving the house.
He held you in an I.R.O.N. F.I.S.T.
He didn't trust you, see?
I warned you from the start,
But you didn't listen.

Now you see the monster,
And you run back to me for help.
But you're trapped.
You can't run from him,
You can't hide from your master.

You laid your bed in the grave he set,
And sooner or later you must rest your head.

I'm lying down,
Facing the ceiling.
Pulse slow,
Heart in hand.
I search for answers that I can't seem to find,
Even in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind.
Memories I have no right to keep,
Torture me as I wait for sleep -
To come,
To carry me from my wild thoughts.
I ask myself so many WHYs and WHAT IFs,
I tell myself I deserve everything -
The pain,
The sorrow,
The longing.
So I accept it willingly,
The punishment my mind gives my body -
To lie here,
Facing the ceiling,
Tossing and turning.

I stay awake all night as I watch the world sleep.
Morning comes and the dark circles deepen.
As a reminder that I took away my own peace.

I never really learnt how to act around you.
That was because there was no acting involved.

Our connection was natural;
With you I was comfortable.

You saw beauty where no one else did,
And that's why I think of you -
When my eyes are closed and I silently pray;
For a dreamless sleep.

I think of you when it's wrong,
I think of you when I shouldn't.

You molded me,
Into the shape you wanted me to be,
To be perfect for you.
When I finally met those expectations,
You changed them and left me,
For a younger girl that was me before you.
And you gave her your love,
Your time,
Your affection.

I hated you for a while,
But then I found someone,
Who loves me for the way I am now -
The me after you.
He even loves me more than you ever could.
So I guess I should thank you,
For making a diamond out of mere carbon atoms,
For someone who understands the value to cherish forever.

At first I thought,
I believed -
Poetry is effortlessly flawless;
Happy and perfect;
Verses and rhymes;
Beautiful and sublime -
I mean
I am rhyming right now,
Aren't I?
I thought reading poetry could make you walk on sunshine.

I was so far from the truth.

I mean poetry is all that,
But it's not just that,
It can't be.
True poetry tells the story of a poet -
His happiness,
Her pain.
You can tell when he's drunk in love,
And when she's drugged up on hate.
True poetry makes your heart skip;
One beat;
Two beats;
Three beats;
Four.
It can turn the sweetest thing sour.

True poetry can make you glad when you're sad,
But it can also make you sad when you're glad.
You can relate to it;
You understand the poet;
He reminds you that the world isn't filled with dark days,
She teaches you that sometimes everyone will desert you.
He found someone to take his pain away,
But she was unlucky and life gave her limes.

I know you know that true poetry speaks the truth,
Because only the truth can truly speak to you.
No matter what facade you keep up,
True poetry will seek out the real you.
And that is who I write for.

Insecurities chew me down like I chew my nails when insecurities chew me down.

I cry.
I won't lie.
I won't hide.
I won't justify.

It's my life.
I can be sad when I want to;
Mad when I want to;
Glad when I want to -
Be.
I'm expressing myself,
You'll see only what you want to see,
Believe only what you choose,
View it from your own perspective.

Put yourself in my shoes;
Just for a minute.
Can you fill them?
No!
So don't judge me as if;
You would react better;
To all the circumstances;
If you were me.
I'm tougher than you could ever dream to be;
So look away and don't give any judgemental words to me.

Retrogressing.
          Always stressing.
For no reason.
          But you don't realize it,
                       Or do you?
Do you willingly overwork yourself over nothing?
Do you make plateaux out of plains?
Make an ocean out of a little rain?
Because I don't see them;
The things you see;
The roadblocks that stopped you,
That made you halt,
That made you give up.

All I see is a boy;
Not ready for what life has to offer;
A child still being fed with milk.
All I see is an individual;
That wants to be free,
But doesn't know what it means;
To be truly free.
You have liberty but call it;
Freedom!
No one is ever free,
Not you, not me.
Not even the wealthiest man, you see?
He's tied down with maybe health issues;
And the greed for even more money.

Retrogressing.
          Always stressing.
For no reason.
          But you do realize it,
                      Don't you?
You know that the only way to get through,
Is to fortify yourself,
Get rid of fear,
And bulldoze your way through;
All the invisible roadblocks;
Life placed in front of you.
They were only placed there;
To strengthen you.

To be able to save someone,
When you need to be saved.
To help someone live,
Despite the suicidal thoughts in your brain.
That right there to me,
Is the true definition of strength.

Look what you did to her
Look how you changed
Her perspective
Her logic and reasoning
See the effect you have on her
She's better
She's stronger
She's the weak kid no longer
You fell in love and left your mark on her
Look how good you are for her
Look how good you've been to her
See how she shines when she's with you
Just because she's next to you
Even after she broke you
You still let her stand by you
Look how strong you are
See how in love you are
You bury your pain when you're with her
Because her presence is bittersweet
It brings mixed emotions with it
You're devastated that you don't have her
You're belated that you still have her
You're happy cause she is too
Because all her dreams are coming true
She never told you but it's because of you
Because she unwillingly let go of you
But you didn't let go too
She prays everyday for you
That you'll find someone new
That will let you finally let go of her
Without actually letting go of her
Because she was never really good for you.

I have so much to say
But nothing to write down
It's raining cats and dogs
My phone will only stay on for ten more minutes
No electricity until the rain stops
It's thirty-eight minutes to two a.m.
I've got tears in my eyes
I'm a mess.

I wrote an epistle for a friend today
For his one-year anniversary
With the love of his life
She completes him
I see it
All the changes she made
In his life
She wrote an epistle for his birthday last month
He's no good with words
So he kept begging until I said yes.

I recently had my heart broken
I broke it myself
But I guess I can't complain
Cause I shattered his along with mine
Not my friend
My ex-boyfriend
We were together nine months
Would be ten today
But I broke us.

I'm so sad
I toss and turn till I cry silently
And then I drift into a restless sleep
It was best for us what I did
But it don't feel like it
It's like he was a part of my respiratory system
And without him it's so hard to breathe.

On nights this cold and lonely
I wonder if he's sober
Cause I'm the crybaby and he's the drunk
We're both trying to cope seeing as the pain is too much
We still talk but not like before
It could never be like before
It's such a shame
It really is cause
We were perfect together
But life is a complicated ***** that ******* us over.

It's now twenty-eight minutes to two a.m.
Time to cry my eyes out
So I can finally get a three-hour sleep.