He said he loves me
He really does
I know he does
And I love him too
But love is just not enough.

I don't recognize this woman,
The beautiful, strong woman I see;
When I look at my reflection;
In the mirror;
On any reflective surface.

I mull over how much I have changed,
How sophisticated I look now;
How my smile bubbles over with grace;
With wisdom,
How I seem to have everything organized;
All my goals and priorities in order.

I look at this version of myself,
All grown up and more experienced;
And I don't recognize her.

Will I ever;
Make it out;
Of this raging inferno;
Alive?
And well?
Is that possible?
I don't think it is.

The fire;
Of our passion;
Was too hot;
To not leave;
Several burns;
All over my skin.

I wrote a song about you
It turned out to be a sad song
Because you're not here
I couldn't be truly happy
Without you
Atleast not for a long time
Atleast not until you've found someone
That truly makes you happy
Because your happiness is
My happiness even if
I'm not the source of it.

I'm scared to write;
Cause I know the words;
"I messed up really bad"
Will come out of nowhere.

Oops!
It just did.

I feel like I'm in limbo;
I'm a mess.
I messed up something good,
Something great.
I think about it and my eyes water;
I think of what's going to happen next;
And I involuntarily shudder.

I put myself first for once.
It doesn't feel like I put myself first.
I feel like I just convinced myself.
I convinced myself to destroy;
My source of happiness;
Laughter;
Inner peace.

I messed up really bad.
The deed is done.
This time there's no turning back;
But *******,
I messed up really bad.

...
     "This isn't who you are."

    "You're not the girl I used to know."

   "I don't know who you've become."

He repeats these lines
So much these days
It annoys me more than
A broken record ever could
Ever should
Ever would
Cause I told him
I warned him thoroughly

     "I'm not nice."

    "You won't like the real me."

   "I'm not worth fighting for."

But he didn't listen
He filled my head with empty
Promises that he meant
He filled my heart with hollow
Vows that he could never fulfill

     "How can a person be so cold?"

    "How can a lady be so cruel?"

   "How can you change so fast?"

He looks hurt and
I hurt a little
But I shut down
Cause that's what I always do

     "I'm nefarious, lover."

    "Had my heart broken a few times."

   "Now it's made of stone."

I don't watch the news on TV;
Or listen to it on the radio.
I skip it in my timeline;
I hide it from my mail.
I don't read the newspaper;
I don't listen to the gossip.
I shut my eyes and ears;
Because all news is bad news.

Last time I checked;
There was an earthquake -
Lives were lost;
Properties were destroyed.
Last time I checked;
The war was raging -
The greed of men blinded;
Their conscience and humanity.
Last time I checked;
Racialism was still salient -
Discrimination everywhere you turn;
Dark-skinned  hoi polloi screaming "BLACK LIVES MATTER."
But does it?
Does it really?
Because last time I checked;
Dark-skinned citizens were being stopped and harassed;
By the light-skinned citizens in the force;
And light-skinned citizens were being scammed and;
Bullied on the internet by dark-skinned citizens without jobs.

I don't want to be aware of everything; That is wrong;
With the government;
With the citizens;
With the economy​.
I don't want to know if corruption;
Still lives in our system.
I don't want to know if nepotism;
Is still the order of the day;
In our offices,
And our government.

What's wrong with not wanting to watch;
Or read;
Or listen to the news?
What's wrong with not wanting to see;
The degradation;
Discrimination and;
Death of my fellow human beings.

I have a heart and weak it is;
It cannot bear to see these things.
Out of sight,
Out of mind.
Right?
RIGHT???

I'm not ready to be hurt;
So I shut my eyes and ears;
To all the happenings in the world.

I never experienced true love;
And genuine happiness;
Outside the loving arms of my family.
Home is where the heart is;
And my heart is in their midst;
Where laughter and togetherness exists.
They are my ride-or-dies;
My besties;
I'll love them till I expire.

Creativity flows through me
It bleeds from my words
Oozes from my actions
The way I walk
The way I move
The way every random thought I have comes together
To form a masterpiece like this one
Where writing a poem takes just a minute of my time
I write what I think and it doesn't have to rhyme

Words
They elude me
They make me beg my brain
For access to my own vocabulary
When they seem to go missing
It feels like my inner dictionary
Is closed and on holiday

I wished to always have words to say
I wish I could always put down my thoughts
To be able to see what goes through my mind
To be able to decipher how far I've gone with seeming normal

I wished for words
And then they came
For days on end
It was like being possessed by a friend
The words never ceased
And yet contrary to my rationals
The ache in my heart never eased
The main goal was to rid myself of this disease
Slowly eating up the depths of my soul

I decided to move on from words
They didn't seem to be helping
So I prayed for actions
To be able to show how hurt I was
How dead I felt
And to prevent another from drowning
In this mud pit that wouldn't let go

It worked
I found a stranger
With an inner struggle
He made a move
To trust me
I made a move
To care
And so we forged a friendship
And saved ourselves from death.

When I was lost,
Grace found me.
I was in grave danger,
Grace secured me.
Had nothing to eat,
Grace provided for me.
Had no one to wipe my tears,
Grace comforted me.
When I was alone,
Grace was there for me;
Grace befriended me;
Grace was in me;
Grace was on me;
Grace surrounded me.

When I wanted to give up,
Grace saved me.
When I wanted to let go,
Grace held me;
Jesus held me.

Another approach
Same strategies
Same chain of command
Different authorities
A mesmerizing complex structure;
Circumventing individual responsibilities.

How can we strive?
How can we grow?
Every being as important as the next;
For the success of a mission years away from fulfilment.

Everyone has a part to play
Every part must be played fully
Or else stagnancy is well around the corner.

For development,
The team must be strong.
They must be together.
They must have the same goals,
Or everything crumbles.

I felt broken even when you mended my heart
I felt unconnected even when you held me together
I never moved on and neither did you
I had soliloquies when I was right next to you
We both had holes in our hearts to fill
We both had vivid memories to ****
So we used each other
Without telling the other
I told you I loved you
And there was hesitance
In your text and mine
I said it cause I wanted to believe it
You eventually responded cause you didn't want to hurt my feelings
And we kept fooling ourselves until we couldn't anymore
I released all the rage I kept locked up
From the times when you'd ignore me for hours
From the times when you'd never answer my calls
From the times when you never said 'I love you' first
I gathered the courage to end it
Our little spoof
But you ended it before I could
And that was even more proof
That we'd been living a lie
For five godforsaken months
After that everything was the same
The only thing that changed was the name that came with the game
The title I used to ward off unwanted attention
And that was all you were useful for
You were a better man to me after we broke up than you were to me before
You went back to her but my heart was still broken
Atleast you got yours fixed
Atleast one of us was finally happy
I just wish I was happy too.

My words are like knives;
Most of the time -
They pierce you;
They are the unwanted truths.

My words are like candy;
Some other times -
They are sugary;
They get me what I want.

My words are inspirational;
When the need be -
They are like fire;
They warm up your heart.

My words are powerful;
And influential -
They command respect;
They cannot be ignored.

There's a spirit softly whispering,
Into the hearts of all the people I love,
Convincing them to ignore me.

I've never felt more alone.

I'm not the perfevt woman,
But I'm the perfevt one for you,
I know you see it too.

You're not the perfevt man,
But you're the perfevt one for me,
You better believe it.

The plan was to be independent
I had my goals written down
My priorities were in check
I was going to follow through
And achieve what I had to in the end
But then **** happened
And my ascetic side was left for dead

All my dreams I trapped in a mausoleum
My spurious persona was in the lead
My new ambitions were kaleidoscopic
They were all wants and never needs
Something new always grabbed my attention
Once I had achieved a thing
Slowly but surely I was being drowned
By deceit and greed

And one day I searched myself and could not find me
I did not see the me that was a visionary
I had missed my way and that was clear to see
I was already in the depths of the ocean of sin when it finally dawned on me

At this point even self-love couldn't save me
And self-hatred couldn't change me
Even self-will couldn't revive me
So I found a coping mechanism
To help me live with my atrocities
Under the ocean of sin.

It's funny how you're not here and yet the first person I think of,
When I wake up,
Is you.

It's annoying when every single thing,
Even a random word,
Reminds me of you.

Is this healthy?
I can't tell,
But it's pretty overwhelming.

I shouldn't beat myself up but that's exactly what I do,
When I realize,
That I've been thinking of you.

Not that it's a bad thing,
Unless I think of you so much,
It causes brain damage.

But I know that if you think of me,
As much as I think of you,
Then I wouldn't mind being a vegetable,
With you.

There are so many things
That I could do
To prove that I'm in love with you
But why would I do them?
You never did 'em
And I know that you love me
So you should also know that
I love you
Without me trying to prove it
By doing those things 4u
Even though I could do anything 4u

My love
4u
Is crystal clear and visible
For the whole world to see
That you're the only one for me
For them to be jealous of us
That I got someone that loves me so
And that you got a gyal that could do anything
4u.

Does it hurt?
Are you in pain?
Did it **** you to sight me with another man?
Are you jealous?
Are you mad?
If I got that reaction from you I'd be glad
'Cause you hurt me
I'm still in pain
It killed me to see you with another woman
I was jealous
I was mad
And I know from the start
That was your plan.

Is love an illusion or is it real?
Are these just hormones or is it something supernal I feel?
Have I been fooled by the stories in books and on TV screens?
Or are they proof that love does exist.

I was skeptic;
As I watched his mask fade away.
I was victimized;
But it was hardly my fault.
Some people are just experts at hiding;
There are no visible cracks in their camouflage.
Their voices are so mellifluous;
You can never really discern the lies.

I found out the hard way;
That I fell in love with the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I thought I knew,
That I gave my whole life to.
I thought he loved me too,
But I was just a tool;
To help him assure himself;
That he had the capability to love still.
Or lust.
Deceiving himself as well as me;
Knowing all along that his feelings were unreal.
His actions were trompe-l’oeil;
His words were fabricated.

I’m in love with the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I thought I knew.
Turns out that when the truth was revealed I became the fool.
It didn’t really matter that I had a heart;
The fact that I was innocent didn’t really change things;
Somehow I ended up in front of a loaded gun;
Because the boy I loved;
Turned out to have a completely different set of flaws;
Flaws that I was completely unaware of.

All I can do is pray as I am positioned
Between the barrel of a loaded gun and the boy I thought I knew.
My hands shaking as it slowly dawned on me,
The realisation that I would be shot at just to get back at
The ghost of the shadow of a boy that I fell in love with,
But he isn’t real.
The boy himself doesn’t feel.
But the one who will pull the trigger cannot see it;
He thinks the boy that used me loves me.

What frustrates me is fact that the boy won’t tell the truth.
The boy that I blindly loved the ghost of his shadow;
He still wants to believe that he has a heart;
That it’s still there;
That it can be shattered;
If the trigger is released.
But it won’t.
Because there’s nothing left to break
And once the deed is done,
The only thing that will be destroyed
Is my brain.

I will become a memory,
For the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I fell in love with
To either cherish or forget;
But he is fabricated.
So the boy I thought I loved,
The one that was hidden from me,
Will completely forget me,
Because regret is not something
He will ever feel.

Anger is not a strange emotion
It isn't foreign
It's familiar territory
To feel my blood boiling till my ecosystem is vibrating
From the adrenaline
Gotten from the feeling
This feeling that I'm used to
This feeling that helps me push
All the ones that care away
This anger that brings nothing beautiful
Only destruction and ashes.

I'm so happy
I could grow a tail right now
I'm so belated
I could die without regrets right now

I'm in the midst of people but it don't feel like it. I feel lonely because you're not here and I don't like it. When I need to talk to you most you're not there. I don't tell you how it feels because I know you wish you were here. I don't want to add to your burdens, I want to be your safe place. But I also need you beside me so all my insecurities will erase. I really need you but I'd never let you see, I know you need me too but for now you can't be with me. I don't know how long I can stay with these feelings of loneliness that build up when I can't talk to you for extended periods of time. But I hope it's long enough to see me through the tough times and till I can hold you in my arms.

I fell in love with you without realizing it
I fell in love with you without planning to
My heart was all yours and I didn’t even know it
It belonged to you but at first I didn’t show it
I couldn’t
Or I wouldn’t
I was just being a scrooge
The timing wasn’t right and we both knew it
The day I’d leave you is fast approaching
And I’m so scared
I’m hoping and praying that it’s in my head
The deadline that our different paths have set
I love you and you love me please don’t forget that
‘Cause no matter what you know it’s a fact
The last thing I want to do is break your heart
It kills me so much that I’m tearing us apart

You’d never truly know how hard this is for me
But I want you to know that you’re it for me
And I’ll keep saying it
Keep reciting it
Until you believe that you’re it for me
Until you can undoubtedly see
The sincerity in my lines
The honesty in my lies
You’re a blessing in my life

I’ll never meet someone like you
Someone incomplete that completely completes me
With no cracks found where the lines meet
Would it be weird if I asked you to marry me?
Like seriously
I don’t know how you came to mean so much to me
I want happy moments with you
Memories to remind me when I cry
That I have no regrets being with you
Standing by you
Doing the best I can do
I’d spend my years with you if fate allowed me to
But it didn’t
And I hate distance for taking you away from me

I don’t want to hold you back
I want you to do the things you need to
Without me stopping you
The one my heart belongs to
I am madly in love with you
I pray that our relationship will stay strong
But it feels like a wasted prayer
Although I’d waste as many as I can
To make sure we end up together
When distance is no longer a determiner
When our situation gets a little better

Until you leave
I’m keeping you all to myself
I’m loving you in every way I can ‘til I can’t
I’m caring more than I should ‘til I shan’t
I’m kissing you ‘til my rights expire
‘Til I can no longer call you mine
I pray it gets better for you with time
Not just this but everything
I want you to be happy
To smile more
To cachinnate often
I pray that all that darkness
Is replaced with light even after I leave
I hope you find someone incomplete that completely completes you
That loves you
More than I ever could
‘Cause you deserve it and more
You deserve the world
Mi amor.

As we develop new feelings,
The old ones are never fully shaken off;
They bury themselves deep down in our hearts.
It is a blessing and yet a curse;
Beautiful yet ugly.
As we continue to develop feelings for different people,
It suddenly becomes confusing;
And to love becomes tiring.

He refused to leave
He was gone but still here
He haunted my thoughts
I still lived in fear
He would never return
But he never left
I would never hear his voice
But it’s still in my head
I still see him occupying the left side of my bed
I still see the broken smile and the mischief in his eyes
I still feel his fingernails crawling on my skin
Leaving his mark on me
Making me sick
With fear
With pain
I can still hear his voice screaming out my name
Making me feel ashamed
Bursting my heart into flames


He was a utilitarian
He believed what he felt he had to
He understood what he wanted to

He was a usurper
He took away my dreams
He stripped me of my high self-esteem

I gave him all I had
Unintentionally
His eyes enslaved me
My willpower nowhere around when he faced me

He made me weak
His megalomania affected me
Made me feel useless without him
And even now that he’s locked away
In a mental asylum a hundred miles away
He still has power over me

My home is still filled with his presence
My head still filled with the memories
Of him
And me

It should not be that way
But that’s exactly the way it is
No matter how hard I try
I can never be truly free from him
Or his hold on me.