i'm learning to take moments
to pause and observe.
to truly live in the moment
and see the beauty around me.
to memorize the way my friends frown
and smile.
to love humans for everything we are.
when you love others with your whole heart
you begin to love yourself.

there's nothing attractive about a dead body
maybe that's why nobody loved her
she was a walking corpse

there was a time
when this feeling was unknown.
there was a time when someone felt
what i am feeling now
for the first time.
i wonder if they made it out alive.
i wonder if i will.

home is not a place-
not for me.
it's the smell of a carpet
that's had lots of owners.
it's the fluorescent lights crackling.
it's the laughter and shushing
it's the handstands for fun
the flashing street lights
the midnight drives
the 2pm breakfast
and the 12am dinner.
the open sunroof and blasting music
the hair dye and playlists
home is not a place-
not for me.
it's a feeling.

i didn't really notice
when the nightmares stopped.
after all, we were fighting too often
for my mind to conjure much worse.
reality was the nightmare.

i was alone in the dark.
unknown surroundings...
a tree? creek bed?
it came surging in, with screams tugging on my mind
and it took me over,
not trapping- but entrancing me.

something...... beautiful?
about losing control. about being... entranced.

can't think straight
a fuzzy brain
over a blacked out memory
...reassurance...

put your hands on my heart
feel it beat

you bring me to life

Look... at these... spaces... between... my...
... ... ... words... ... ...
This is how my brain sounds.
...
...
...

i was aware
of this... light
about you

but you never shine long enough

i reached other people.
i suffered with them.
i engineered warfare.
but i could not yet become the wounded person.

Here was another question :
Why hadn't we felt comfortable ?

Not that I cared , but
I could not be blamed .

We were both victims
of the Wild .

i was hanging
by the last string i had left.

i jumped

and you laughed.

we are finding out
the indecipherable
and then it kills us.

Regular people
Don’t feel this way in their minds.
They must be so bored.

sometimes i
think that my
mind
brought me to
the brink of
death
just to
show
me that
i can write
really good poetry

She sees a reflection
in a blank wall.
She feels a memory
through the touch of her toes
to the carpet.
A blank wall of nothing
is showing
a flurry of somethings.
For not even a wall can be blank.
Every nick to the surface,
every dried paint bubble,
every scar on the wall
tells a story.
That is why she sees
herself reflected
in the wall.
Because nothing is blank.
Everything that seems like nothing
is something.
Every person who seems blank
is filled
with life.

you told me of
your pain and i told
you all about mine.
we held each
other's hearts and
boldly proclaimed
to love one another.
you loved me
through my flaws
and i loved you
through yours.
but when it came
down to it; you left.
and my heart was split
into a million pieces.
i may never understand why you shattered me
like a glass bottle in an empty alley, or how you got
that power to begin with, but i will not let it ruin me.
i'm going to have to live my life and try to trust again.
i won't let this keep me from finding another soul
that will be able to walk to the same rhythm as mine.
i can pick my pieces up and put them together again.
i have spent my whole life falling and getting back up,
so that's what i will have to do again. i can live through
the side glances and small smiles and avoiding eye contact.
i can live through the 'how are you?'s that end with answers
neither of us believe. i can live with the anxiety attacks that
i get before i see you places. i can live without you.
so i am left
with only one question.
and i know this question
has been asked to you before
because you told me
of the other people you broke.
and i know how it haunts you,
but i deserve an answer.
if you loved me...
why did you leave me?