Oh it's achy
Oh it's achy
My soul is quaking
1 of 7
But I'm so lonely
That I dream about heaven
Because it's not enough
I need all the love
And it's so tough
How it's not enough
And I'm ashamed
For my need of you
Has to be tamed
To 1 of 7
And it's hurts too much
How I feel your touch
And I'm still so lonely
But nothing will cure me
Not even your clutch
On only 1 of 7

I am a closed book.

Whenever I let someone in,
hoping they want to read my story,
they just end up ripping out my pages.

please do not entice me
with an offer so grand
that you will regret
the moment that you present it
for I am weak
and the mere slight communication
makes my blood boil;
not inducing anger
but excitement
for our potential together
even though, we both know
your words are empty
and your offer
is all talk.

My days are filled with adventure, you see
sniff flowers
watch a stranger
the movement of grass
your absence lingers
And then you walk through that door
my fun is over
the silence is loud
the air - sombre
we play tug of war
with the sheet that we share
the only thing keeping us a pair

I go to a job where I am alone all day.
Then, I go home to where I am alone all night.

I can't tell if I enjoy being alone,
or if I am so used to it,
And I have no option but to enjoy it.

allowing someone to like you
makes you vulnerable
to when they choose
to no longer like you

so I beg of you
please, do not to like me
because
I know
in the end,
it will be painful
for me

must avoid at all costs

Am I entitled to an Oscar
For the act I put on everyday
Is harder work than any A Lister
Will ever endure

I am the comedian
Enticing laughter
While the demon inside
Finds joy in my cries

I am in theatre
Where everyday
I paint on my face
Masking deep sorrow
That crawls over my skin

I am in silent film
Where my actions speak louder
Than my muted words

I am an actress
And everyday
I perform
And life is my stage

on autopilot all day
then the moment the sun goes down
the lights go off
the eyelids shut
the pilot finally takes control
and starts a long, vicious nosedive
into the icy cold ocean of thoughts

It has been so long since I have had any sort of physical contact with someone,
that,
when the little, fragile woman
hemming my pants,
accidentally grazed my ankle,
while placing the pins,
I had almost mistaken it for some sort of affection.

The worthiness of me to men is non-existent
so I will share you my resentment

A man came into my life
When I wasn't worthy to others
Yet he saw the beauty in me
We would lay in the tall grass
Silent but the breeze
The sun warming our naked bodies
All of this comes with ease
The end is inevitable
First love, so genuine and pure
forever will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

Next was a man
Who was calmer than the sea
So few word's spoken
Never to be seen around with me
Weekends of whisky
Not to leave my room
Dancing naked, playing records
I knew I was temporary
I knew it was doomed

Then there was a college boy
Who brought me to his room
We smoked blunts, watched movies
I told him it was too soon
He claimed that I was perfect
In time, touching my curves
Like the clouds softly grazing the hillsides
Making human art in his bed
Like natives dancing on their reserves
But I could sense his coldness
I saw no emotion in his eyes
So on my walks home
I would beg to the skies

A concert I attended
Where the next boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
And with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
Gentle eyes
A soft face
And lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
And when the night had ended
We knew we needed more
So far away he lived
But our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
No one has ever gave me the looks
He would give me
So genuine
So perfect
So kind
But the distance was an annoyance
It wasn't good to his mind
And so little efforts were made
And I was left astray
Always wondering
Always wanting
That perfect boy from the show
But I will never know

Why can't I find one who cares
One to feel, one who is real?
Please find me someone
Who wants love like me
My soul is aching
I'm painfully lonely

they say,
if something seems too good to be true,
then it usually is.

which makes me
hesitant about
the way you seem so interested in
every part of me

it makes me
so skeptical
that the stories you are sharing with me
are in fact
non-fiction

I have become
so cautious
that your words are genuine
and your intentions are indeed
pure

dare I risk
making myself vulnerable
when I have no clue
if you're like all the others

Dear mum,
I was aware that you were hesitant with me
I could sense it since I was new.
I still have dreams of being suffocated, mum.
I always wonder if this is because of you.

Dear mum,
at the age of three, you gave a little brother to me
But I knew I'd starve for your attention.
How I wish you could have noticed my sorrow, mum.
How could you ignore my desperation?

Dear mum,
as time passed on,
I knew I was alway second, mum
you liked to make it obvious,
something I never could grasp,
one of my most difficult conundrums.
I longed for your love, never to receive
but instead shame and guilt
you would bring down on me.
Your words more painful than your hands, mum,
as brother would watch with a smirk.
the missing comfort of a mothers love
I knew if I wanted it, I would have to work.

Dear mum,
I am a young woman now
and I am tired of trying to prove to you
the things you seem to be unable to see
the smart, caring person I have grown into.
Now that you are older mum,
I have little to give to you.
Now you are starving for MY love, mum
and I don't think thats something I can do.

I pray one day you won't be so ignorant, mum,
of the things you continue to put me through.
I hope soon I will be good enough
so I can learn to love you too.

for 3 years,
you infected my thoughts, my body and my soul.
Now you run like you've run from everything else;
avoiding your feelings and the consequences
of your own stupidity.

Maybe one day,
even 25 years from now,
you will finally clue in
the amount of sorrow you brought to someone's life.

I am here to help you,
But only momentarily
To assist in diminishing your previous errors

Small and smooth
Use me until you get your ideal outcome
Then toss me to the side and forget about me
Only to remember when another mistake arrises

Use me over and over because that is what I am here for
Little pieces of me crumble with every use
Slowly withering away
Until one day
I am gone

My soul aches at the thought that
I may never
be looked at like I am beautiful

My ears ring at the notion that
I may never
be touched by reassuring warmth

My head throbs at the concept that
I most likely
will never get to share my secrets and dreams

My body shivers at the knowledge
of knowing that
I will never be kissed purely and deeply

My eyes swell with the tears that are aware
of the inevitability that
I am utterly invisible

I am exhausted from meaning nothing to everyone

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my body in fabrics and threads
Hiding my skin and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my face in creams and makeup
Hiding my blemishes and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my sorrow in fake tales and smiles
Hiding my deep pain and the truth

Then,
I am out the door
Ready for the world to see my facade

Why did you choose me
to fake love?
Is it because you can smell my vulnerability?
My hope and innocence?
Or is it my body and ignorance?

In three years, the words have never left your mouth
never grazed your lips
but by the way you touch my hair,
look me in the eye
and with your manly hands
gently hold my hips
I know your actions are speaking louder than the words
you will never say
Oh I know, it is hard to admit to yourself that you feel this way

The sorrow I feel waking up next to you
knowing you're not mine
that you go out
looking for others to woo
Words cannot describe the pain it puts me through.
And yet, I love you.
What's even worse, is that you know I do.

I wasn't worthy of any mans attention
yet he saw the beauty in me
we would lay in the tall grass
silent but the breeze
the sun warming our naked bodies
all of this comes with ease

bare foot in the back fields
of the barn we called home
paints, brushes, canvases
into the woods, the stream, the orchard
we would roam
and paint the beauty we saw
in the nature
in each other
naked and raw
so young
only seventeen
no limitations
we were opened minded and adventurous
we were free
we couldn't fathom how our souls had come to be
we would toss amongst the sheets by the fire
our bodies fit together so beautifully

time would slip by and to him
I was no longer magical
my red hair and pale skin
my average cooking and my eccentric ways
it all seemed too impractical
I was no longer good enough
no matter what I did
I was no longer what he wanted
I ran through that back fields and into the woods;
I hid

At only twenty years old
he had my soul
and with one last glare
one last stare
he returned it back
damaged, bruised and black
the end is inevitable
first love, so genuine and pure
forever I will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

The day I get the courage to finally set myself free,

my body will lay under the earth, cold yet peacefully.

People will go about their lives, as it should be,

and continue to do what they do best, walk all over me.

I am 'one of the guys' in a house of tacky wallpaper and 70's carpet
I am a reader of the piles of 80's national geographic covering my floors
I look out my window and have a clear view of a disintegrating trampoline and a rotting deck
I constantly hear calls of "IS THE LAUNDRY DONE?!" followed by, "I'm just too sick, Perri"
I am from a house constantly smelling of smoke, if you follow the scent you'll find a sick yet content man I call dad
I am the over-thinker, over analyzer of the group of 5 I refer to as my best friends
I am the wishful thinker who dreams of one day finding someone who respects and cares for me
I am from a town where a ****** named Ray Ray walks the streets, as elders stay in their 60's inspired homes
I am from a neighbourhood with churches on every corner, churches very few attend
I am from a family where the old speak in British accents and lovers of Yorkshire pudding drench it with gravy
I am the mother of an aging, energetic feline who rules the house
I am the author of a journal I keep all my thoughts in

Oh dear lord, I am excited for the day I finally earn respect
Unfortunately, so unfamiliar to me
I pray my body doesn't reject

Oh how thrilled I will be to finally learn to trust
My soul is extremely vulnerable
It is something I yearn to experience, it is a must

Oh my, I can't contain myself! One day I might deserve love
to feel so much warmth from someone
that is the emotion I want to feel the most of

It is a pathetic amount of hope I have
to experience all of these sensations
I did not think I was asking much
I am writing this out of desperation

my licence expired
my passport expired
my father lost my sin card
my father lost my birth certificate

on paper,
I do not exist

so now,
all I need to do
is physically not exist

Why so many ignorant sheep
In this grassless land
Depression does not come cheap

It is not a joke or a tale
It is a fact that is uncontrollable
No matter how many
Meds or lonely whails
When all else fails
Don't you dare doubt my mental state
I do not fake
This burden
This demon
And don't you doubt
I've tried it all
And don't you compare
To those who didn't choose to fall
Because depression is out of your control
It takes ahold of your soul
Eats it's up and spits it out
I wouldn't lie about such a curse
Don't you dare look at me with doubt.

Lord
Give me the strength
to ignore
To escape his grasp
and lock the door
Give me the will to run
and hide
for 97 nights
I've laid and cried
How lonely he makes me
I stay for my pride
And I need the courage
To stop my love
With every force
I will shove
His cold soul away
Until the day
He is lead astray
Because my passionate soul
Deserves much more
And I am sick of feeling
Like his chore
So please Lord
Give me the strength
To ignore

First year of college
I took a side class
on a topic I've always liked.
It was with a lively, genuine, wise teacher;
it was the happiness of psych.

Before college, for many years
I suffered from anxiety.
I would try to be mindful,
understanding why,
but it always got the best of me.

This teacher, spoke many words
but there was one statement
that I deeply heard.

She said:
The only thing you can have full control over
is how you  react to things out of your control.

And in that moment
I had an epiphany.
I had control over
how  everything affected me.
And since that day,
how grateful I have been
to finally live my life
anxiety free.

I hate
that I live
vicariously through
characters
who fall in love
for the first time
in movies.

So innocent, so naive, so pure.
Utter curiosity.
I remember it all too well,
never to experience such a sensation again.

So I am going to continue
to live
vicariously through
characters first love
in movies
so I can
bring that feeling back,
for a split second,
even if it is faulty.