The search for love should not be played;
what a sick and twisted game
you are forcing me into

I should not have to strategize my next move
in fear you may surpass me
on this ridiculous board

I should be able to move swiftly without thought or worry
about who is winning or losing
Because we will either both win or both lose

No more childs play;
it is time to grow up
because love is not a game

please,
do not compliment me
or speak in tongues of hope
because I am not worthy of such reassuring things

I am constantly reminded by every other
that I need to work
for worth
and I haven't even
punched in
on the clock
with you yet

so instead of letting me relax
and ease in gracefully
put me to work like a slave
because that is all I know
and anything else
must be fictitious

I love observing a stranger's mannerisms,
they tell a story of their own.

this crisp air
and the scent of burning leaves
in this small town
I will continue to grieve
for my lost girl;
I am still so naive
and very ignorant
because I didn't want to believe
but I will always regret
not showing you
how special you were to me
So I hope you have become
the woman you wanted to be
and finally receiving all the love
you yearned
wherever you are,
my sweet Natalie

A concert I attended
where a boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
and with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
gentle eyes
a soft face
and lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
when the night ended
we knew we needed more

So far away he lived
but our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
no one has ever gave me the looks
he would give me
So genuine
so kind
But the distance was an annoyance
it wasn't good to his mind

Another spring on it's way
I was thrilled for that cold, February day
to once again
see that boy I met
off we would go
to a DJ set
Our love that night would quickly grow
only to know
in a few hours
separate ways we would go
too much kissing
I don't remember that show

Summer is now ending
our love
forever pending
A festival we would meet
our love wouldn't be discreet
Mac Demarco
our favourite man
in the setting sun
holding my hand
we both stand
to the beautiful sounds
on this historic land
You look to me and say
I can't explain
how you brighten my day
there is something different about you
and I told you
I feel the same way too
No one has ever looked at me
the way that you do
And with that
the sun had set
separate ways we would go
until the next show
always wondering
always wanting
but I may never get to know

Natalie, Natalie
I know you can hear me
from the heavens where you choose to reside
For in memory of your pale skin
blonde hair
that cosmic energy
you could not hide

Natalie,
you're the only girl I craved to lay beside
a smile so radiant
contagious laughter
but always pain behind the eye
such a beautiful shell
that started to crack
when few allowed you to confide

Natalie?
I am sorry for you, that life was a disappointing ride
I will never be mad
relieved
maybe envious
that you're at peace
no longer rolling down this landslide

Natalie.
you are now the wind
soothing
in fields so wide
crashing
rhythmic waves
in every salty tide
hot
buzzing beetles
along every roadside
for you,
Natalie,
you did not die.

oh no
dear boy
I have let you too far in
with no future in sight
how will I ever know
if a relationship is what I will win

oh no
sweet guy
the way you touch my pale skin
with hands so soft
your actions so gentle
this is a sin

oh no
hesitant man
the way you look into my eyes
with such empathy
when I am with you
I no longer want to die

my heart grows fonder
as I lay here alone
but my soul is aching
my brain is throbbing
because what we have
may never be set in stone

online dating,
love is what I am hoping to seek
conversing through technology
having hope
that some day,
face to face,
we may speak
hobbies and morals spewing,
we let our excitement easily leak
filling in that lonely gap
3 days in
is its peak
then slowly declining
these "relationships"
end with the week

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
My mind is wandering
I'm assuming you have lied to me
Just like all the others
Why do I bother
Why do I bother

I can't breathe
all this anxiety
My mind is spinnin'
I realize I've been fooled again
right when I've surrendered
and courageously let you in

I can't breathe
You're ignoring me
why do I trust
so easily
I'm so angry with myself
panic is creeping in
when will I learn
I am merely here to be used
when love is what I yearn

I can't breathe
How dare you do this to me
For all the scars I have shown you
My throat is closing in
Tonight I will not sleep
I am never going to win

But I've begged you
please
to not do this to me
I lay in tears wondering
why I'm so worthless
and I can't breathe.

Merry Christmas
- says the tequila gold
as I lay alone under my duvet
But the alcohol is warming my veins
as a family
would warm a room

Six months of freedom
from this evil within
thought I escaped the sorrow
the devil had vanished,
thought I was finally going to win

Then the pain came crashing back deep into my bones
so sudden, so intense
as though I was being pummelled with stones
please not again,
don't make yourself at home
I was so excited for myself
to feel no anguish
it was soothing to roam
yet I lay here
after six months of ease
escape my grasp
and yet again
I am alone.

I can feel it deep in my bones,
the day is coming very soon.
It has to be under a willow tree,
probably some time around noon.
My aching soul can't take much more,
my plan is
pills
*****
rope;
I am excited for my soul to soar,
I have lost all hope.
For each that I care,
I will leave a letter of love.
I will explain my admiration for them,
explaining how I wish I had gotten better,
but now I will always be watching from above.

This day is coming very soon,
under the willow tree.
I will finally feel everything at ease,
my soul will be freed
while someone finds the shell of what used to be me.

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Here we go

The calm before the storm
Always as predicted
The stillness was reassuring
But I should have known

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
I should have known
That as I opened my petals
Into the sunlight
Exposing my colours
My scent
That the storm would hit
Right as I started to grow

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Dark clouds are rolling in
Thunder is shaking my stem
And just as I am about to close my petals
You strike me with 1000 bolts
Again and again
Turns me black
But this time
I don't think I will grow back.

Oh boy number 13
they say it is an unlucky number
and you sure are living up to it
but nothing different than the 12 others

Boy number 13
you fall asleep in my bed
like every other
no respect given
only *** driven
it is inevitable
isn't it a given?

Boy 13
don't you have anyone else's time
you could be wasting
minimal effort
I always seem to be tasting
the same pattern
I am always tracing

Boy number 13
It is time for you to leave
please
it doesn't come with ease
because I am so desperately lonely
But what my heart doesn't
my gut sees
don't be a tease

I refuse to make any eye contact with strangers
Because for that split second,
We are connected.
I penetrate into their soul
And sense everything that has ever,
And will ever,
happen to them;
I feel far too much
And it is beyond overwhelming.

It's crazy how long we've had this tube
I've said to myself "when it's finished, I'll move"
We often go through three, four a year
But this tube is prolonging our time, my dear
Each brush of this paste is how I cope
A twice daily ritual, this tube is my trope
I predict enough squeezes to last us through March
And after one last squeeze
We'll inevitably depart

....

When I moved back home
The tube here was new
I think about you twice a day;
I'll always love you

twohundredthirty days
with no touch
skin to skin
the things I would do
the money I would pay
oh how I long for the warmth
in any way
please
someone
let me in
or let me die soon
with no kin
being so untouched
I consider a sin
could be as simple as
a brush of my hair
or a stroke of my chin
because no human contact
is a loss
not a win

Ugly ugly ugly
I can only assume
How you think of me
While I lay naked in our room
I'm hungry
Starving
For a touch
Of strength and admiration
Ugly ugly ugly
This is deprivation
Ugly ugly ugly
I beg to please you
Every touch seems new
4 years of cold
I've been waiting in our room
Ugly got ugly
And I'm only left to assume
Ugly ugly ugly
Your attraction to me is doomed

I only love you when I'm manic
All those other times?
You're just tolerable.