but if the demon
shows itself before you
can you really still believe
that God will help you out?
cause for all I know
He's never there
when I have to face
the demon within me

I am afraid of showing my love
afraid that he'd run away from me
so I hide it beneath my skin
waiting for him to undress me;
to finally crave me hard enough
that when he sees the love I have for him
he'd refuse anything else but staying

'Note this, my favorite gal is you'

And I know if I fall for your line
I will only create another big mistake
but who cares?
if it is a mistake then you'll be my mistake
so basically, you're mine in that state

truth to be told, my heart been wondering
are you happier now that I'm no longer there?
for me, everything in me feels strange
how's the girl you're clinging to now?
I bet her heart is kind, unlike mine
should you know I remember you
in too many ways I can count
like when I eat that spicy food you love
or whenever I pass on a very tall guy
I wonder how you remember me now
how you remember me at all
but mostly I wonder
if you ever think of coming home to me

she doesn't speak love like any other
and she has a very ***** mouth
never expect her to say sayang
—she won't
what she'll say is anjing
so when she calls you anjing,
it means you're a very lucky guy
it also means she's in love with you
and God forbids you make her cry

***** makes me wanna dance
Tequila makes me **** *****
but Wine, oh sweet Wine
makes me want to get back
to my ex

burn your playlist to an empty CD
wish I could just burn our memory
here I lay in my room, all lonely
only got you in my mind now, baby

I close my eyes, imagine you in your car;
smoking, driving further, driving so far
meanwhile, I still wish for the last falling star
patiently, like how Leo waited for the Oscar

the more I push, the more I pull
I play smart but you made me a fool
the more I swim, the deeper I drown
I lost myself but it's you I found

falling hurts but it's the best part
you destroyed my walls with a single dart
baby won't you just walk away
before I beg and bribe you to stay?

dear Lord, I do not want to love again
but somehow with you, it quitely begins

this morning I woke up to déjà vu
—I was here before and I knew you
you’re that guy who twists the truth
who secretly falls for me like I do
oh I just love how you’re always too close
yet too far away to make me had enough of
wait, did I just say that I’m in love with you?
this is bad and will hurt as **** but I know I do
but you will deny me, that’s so typical of you
since you’re the sly fox
and I’m just a girl who’s addicted to untruth

"If I knew it, I would not..."
she said—choking—
while tears dripping down her cheeks

that is the thing about life
we do not know, we never do

therefore we should spare some patience—
breathe easily, think slowly
in order to save a lifetime of regrets
so that we will be able to say;

"Eventhough it turned out this way,
I am glad I was kind. I truly did my best'

Lately i've been doing it
a little too much, too often—
somehow every second
that passes seem vivid

I swim back to our time,
deep thinking about you;
what could've happened
or what should've been

I told you once
that I'd erase every pain
I've caused you if I could
and I meant it

even up until now
I keep looking back to the past
until my present hates me
cause I just want to live the now
with you

he looks at me
like he never see
anything else
that ever looked
more beautiful
than I do before
and I stare back at him
like he holds the universe
hiding within his cells
and I bite my tongue
cause no word can be speak
to explain that he is more,
more than the universe I lived in

there is something about the way
he spins his own earth
how he makes the world
looks like a stage
and he is the main star
you see, when he smiles
people smile with him
like he radiates the sun
and everyone else are sunflowers
who grows towards his smile

the poetry I wrote
my thoughts he unfold

I made him a love
that never gets old

though he left my heart
broken and cold

but what we had once
worth much more than gold

though I know it's not right
but the way his skin caresses mine
and his gentle smile is very warm
the same feeling I get
when I prepare myself to dream
about the universe and its sunset
and I drawn my curtain
as the night falls upon me
like I fall for him
cause the way his skin caresses mine
and his gentle smile is very warm
like the shimmer light before dusk

no one ever did what he does
since he is particularly odd;
like how he kisses my lips
as if they're made of vanilla
and he loves the taste of it
lingers on his tongue
or the way he laughs with me
like I'm his bestfriend
while playing with my hair
as I rest my head on his chest
he'd hum lullabies through his wrapping arms
making all my doubts fall asleep

and unconsciously,
I'm in too deep

there's a time I wonder why I feel comfort
in giving so much space between me and him
while I always want to keep you under glass
the answer is simple; I don't love him, I love you
but if it only means that the love I have is suffocating
then I wish not to fall in love ever again

it's just that I've been keeping myself busy
with work, friends, and family
so the time will overlap before me
with a hope to have some remedy

but when I stop a short while;
I have nothing on my mind
but you

The clock has stopped its tock
and it is my heart you've locked
I press rewind just to love you
why don't you love me too?
each second, minute, hour
I want it back again as ours
cause the clock has stopped its tock
and it is my heart only you can unlock

somewhere between your lips
and the melting chocolate dips
I heard my heart fell
while yours—
doesn't even ring a bell

When the rain pours
I remember our nights
of you, every prepositions of place
and me
then I feel my heart blackened—
painted by our bitter-sweet memories
hoping that another rain
will fall hard enough
to wash away your love for me

It was never my intention to unlove you
since I swore to do so my whole life
but it was my choice to leave you
so it is your right to love another
is it not, my dear?

swore yourself to another girl
that she will be your precious pearl
but if one day you look over your shoulder
it is my name you ever love in every letter

Forever I will wonder
the happiness I brought you
will be soon replaced by hers

For morning awakens me
to the realty I wish I never see;
is you belong with her, not me

All the wrong decisions
that lead to our separation
are repeating themselves
and keeping me
awake and aware
we should've been
what we are not;
together

he stood so close to me, asking
"what are you thinking? tell me"
my heart skipped a beat
cause he often questioned me,
stared with his beautiful eyes
as if he could hear my brain
screaming his name and love
in one simple line

for almost a week you walk inside my dreams
I wonder if it means your heart still belongs to me
but my hope is too big, I must put it in a smaller box
cause they keep me thinking about you too often
"I hope you call, I hope I can tell you about it"
"I hope you miss me, I hope you return"
our story is recorded within my vein
rushing in and out of my blood on each heartbeat
it is one hell of a journey, it changes who I was
for the better, for good, for you, for us, and for me

with him, I can see the end when we begin
with him, I have no attachment, just comfort
with him, I am able to go on my own and grow
with him, I learn how to love me more
with him, I know it's okay to be honest
with him, I feel possible to take chances
with him, maybe, just maybe
I can find the road to love again

chin up, dressed up, show up
remember that single is enough
and double is somehow too much

always put my guard high;
love myself first, then give others
some of my love, just some of it

keep in mind that falling in love
only makes me weak
and weakness ruined my smile
so I have decided to fall for me

yes, people are nice but hey
it doesn't mean I have to
give them the key to my castle
cause I am mature enough
to use my brain more than
my worn out heart

and I only need myself
inside my heart

for I was once a flower
who only finds pain
as the wind and insects
scattered my petals,
****** my sweet honey
now I'd rather buried myself
to where the diamonds sleep
so that only the greatest man
will put efforts, take his time
to find me, to love me
for I was once a flower
who turns into a diamond
and I am bright, alone

just before he left
I kissed him again
and he pulled me deeper
I thought he was the gravity

he said, "let's keep this between us"
while pulling my hair, kissing my tired lips
both my eyesight and judgment are clouded
by his handsome look, facing one breathe away
but the night is changing, so does his mind
when the morning knocks, I was alone
laying on my bed, missing his gentle hug
with our secret Sunday

Now I understand
why a baby sleeps faster
inside a hug
because the lullabies
with the softest sound
and such gentle comfort
is one's heartbeat
playing close to our ears

my eyes are the first to open
when his lips touches mine
because somehow I thought
I am in the middle of
kissing you

the thing is,
I drive far away
just to see the road signs
pleaded me to return
the bumps on the street
forced me to stop
the turns I took further
lead me to dead-ends
eventually, I hit reverse
and come back home
to where you are

I close my eyelids
and all I can recall
is the last night
where his lips
on my forehead
hand inside my hair
and heart beating
to stay with mine

do you see me in your room?
laying there with smiles that bloom
do you see me in your car?
sitting next to you, never too far

my eyes swim through our photographs today
wondering why our happiness did not stay
tonight I will sleep wearing your white shirt
dreaming of your memories until they don't hurt

there is a world I knew
where time stood still
with the happiness
I built with you

"I like another girl,
you have to let me go"

using a simple line last night
you destroyed that world
until there is no more light

that night, I was drunk
unconsciousness pulled me back to him

that night, I know he was there
his finger were wiping my tears
I felt his heart opened like never before

that night, he held me like a goodbye
that night, he kissed me like a promise
that night, he loved me until it hurts so bad, I cried

after that night, he stopped talking to me
—he quit looking for me, he left me
and after that night, I swear I will love again

*only if he promised he won't return to me

there I stood
trying to steady my balance
cause I felt the earth shook
when my eyes caught a glimpse
of you kissing her lips
as softly as how you used
to kiss mine

the first time he saw me cried
was the night I told him about you
cause it's so tragic how much he loves me
and I love you

look at me

look at me and tell me what you see

no need to patronize me with lies
you know I am not powerful
nor beautiful
I am the symbol of devastation
and self-destruction

so don't tell me you love me
if you only end up throwing me away
don't speak the word promise
when you refuse to stay

now turn your head
don't look at me

say your farewell
before you begin anything

I promise to remember all the laughters you've given me.
From that faithful night where I found love from our first kiss in 2014
to the moment it puts a smile on my face and stabs my chest at the same time today.
Never had I really quit asking why I walked away and why you let me.
If you ever read this, know that you are still the warrior of my heart's battlefield.
The one beautiful art which I carved with my tears.
The muse behind every lines of my poetry.

*And the love I love beyond love ever allowed to love.

He paints rainbow
—lights the shooting star
hit me hard like an arrow
left me with the biggest scar

and you know
the moment I step my feet
outside that big door
I will regret;
every laughter we can't share
all the tears we cannot bear
the home we both swear
and you know
you know very well
I will always care

tonight
I surrender
a certain feeling
of my deepest heart
made from crystal
and starlight
so the moon
can whisper it
to you,
my love
tonight

there is a line I see between us
in the middle of friends and lovers
a line which gets thinner simultaneously
with every quick notes we pass in secrecy

so you really think I should be thankful
if you tell me that I'm beautiful?
when I know you only turn you head
but never once open up your heart

now here I am again
back to another big zero
questioning everything
I've ever believed about love
praying that one faithful day
I will wake up from life

taking off to the air
is my second favorite feeling
it makes my heart
felt as if I left them behind
somewhere beautiful
until I'm out of breath
and the first is
kissing you