the dictionary is wrong
beautiful is not an adjective
but a subject
I learn that when I fell for you

yes, I love you
I swear
on all my smiles
and all my cries
from the moment
I saw you walked by
until time told me
to say goodbye

but you should know
even right now,
the answer is
*still yes

you would have been holding me
to sleep tonight in your orange room
if what Jeremy Passion said in his song
were truly meant for me

loving you is like bungee jumping
cause it feels safe to let myself falling
maybe because you ******* the knot
and make the risk worth the shot
loving you is a lot like loving me
we have those similar bruises, you see
our hearts are in pieces just fine
but the universe made our stars align

I went pass through that road
we used to take when it rains
as the music played slowly
and you held my hand softly
then I questioned myself
if we were so happy back then
why didn't we work out now?

midnight flashes with memory,
teardrops fell like a necessity
I'm dying for help, can't you see?
nobody here could save me
but you and you and you only

it's strange for me to feel safe or happy
maybe because he introduced me
to insecurity, pain, and scar in the first place
they've been my best friends ever since then
and I don't know who I am without them
but you're here now
serving me a plate of devotion and love;
the one I always hoped for but never got from him
and no matter how tall my walls are
my love safety system is not sounding an alarm
how odd, I pushed you but you pulled me back
so I stopped fighting you and your ray of light
beside, in order to know happiness again
all I have to do is open the door for you, right?

though we can never be
you have claimed
the most lovely place
inside of me

how many chances you've thrown away?
and efforts I have made in vain?
those tears I've cried, my heart that died
it is only you I want to hold tight

memories pierce their way to my bones
do you have any idea how many falling stars
I've wished upon just to be your only one?
now I wonder if I even matter a dust to you

but...

it was different—how he made me fall
he didn't come with confetti and rain
or turned me restless with waves of rush
but he knocked on my door softly like snow
with white roses hiding behind his back
and a ring to promise me the right track

he's a stranger
I'm in danger
surely, it makes sense
but love never does

he kneels down before me
with ring on his hand
and vow in his heart
then my lips replies
"I will"

our love begins
the moment he lingers
my engagement ring
on my finger

he pulls my hair
and strangles my neck
forcefully shoving his
inside mine
in every chance he has
simply cause I shout;
"**** me"

we fight over the smallest thing;
like how I love Ovomaltine
and he thinks Nutella is better
I treat him like a disappointment
while he acts like I don't matter
I am always so close to tears
and he's so close to the edge
what's odd is this;
every morning, I still wake up
with his arms wrapping me
and whenever he knows I move,
he tightening up his hug
as if he won't let me walk away
so I stay

it was who we are;
you're a self-centered *******
and I'm the greedy *****
how you **** my mind
by telling me I'm too much
like how I never satisfy
with the space of your heart
but we have one thing in common;
we are too crazy about each other

it was such a simple thing
that tore us apart
only because he has a heart
with the capacity of one glass
while I have the love
from all the seven seas
to pour for him

nightmare kissed me
until I wake up
with swell on my eyes
and thunderbolt in my chest
cause though you're not around
I still recall your kind face
but I wonder how can
the sun still smiles without you
like any other pretty days?
then it got me thinking,
one day,
will I be
*forgotten too?

can I have
just a day of our time
maybe a walk in the park
or a coffee with heavy talk
just a moment of us
watching comedy on YouTube
laughing until we choke an icecube
just a ceremony for you or me
when I exchange vows with him
or when your son turned three
just one
just one more
of you,
brother

thinking back now
you are gone, now
no more birthdays to celebrate
no more parties to cheer on
no more jokes to laugh at
together with you
no more you
no more me too

I live, I breathe
I laugh everyday
but I cry each night
with the hope to return
to the almighty God
and I wake up each morning
with the realization that
I have no capability to see
my beloved mum, dad
and my kind brother
and I walk around
seeing the sun and the moon
switch places as always
with the fear at some point
the people whom I love
so very much stop inhaling
the air forever, again

I spent my day
laying roses on the ground
where my sweet brother
asleep forever beside God

a little girl like myself
would think a hurricane like you
a beautiful carousel to ride into

cheers to
the new open doors
the start overs
and the forgiveness
we will be facing
as we dance along
the beautiful storm
with music inside us

if we both met and fell in love
by God's will
then why should we be forced
to separate ourselves—our love
*by what human said?

his heart is the present
that's wrapped beautifully
with tenderness and tragedy
and I am celebrating
my birthday everytime
he opens his mouth
saying he loves me

just like that
you jumped off the edge
crossing every red lines I drew
when I said I gave up on you

I saw you broke your own borders
cause you wanted to try harder;
you need to dive into my heart properly
so that I can see how much you love me

last night I met him again
in our relationship of uncertain
when the rain was pouring
to act in place of my crying

from time to time he rewinds
the sweetest pain I left behind
with toxic love behind his line
he kissed me like his heart is mine

only the sound of the rain
and the beat of my heart
there he was
standing in front of my door
soaking wet to the floor
maybe it was a mirage
from the cold I was having
even so
his ice-cold touch
were melting my fever lips
when he asked me
to love him with all I am

that light hair color
the crusade necklace
and the way he behaves like a brat
whenever I make a sad face
I like them all, all of him
especially how he cling on to me
leaning his head to mine like a cat
he got me thinking,
I might have fallen for him
I fall in love with an idiot

but, my darling
I'd steal health from Hygieia
**** Clotho for your thread of life
and let the Gods forbid me
breathing inside this galaxy
because you, your existence,
means a lot more important
than the all the beauty
they could ever offer me

and so I thought
what is the point of living
when all you can do is
watching the people you love
dying?

I was looking at the ceiling
along with his silhouette
who stared at me like a lion
and I was the cornered prey
then he locked his lips on mine
he said my body is so warm
maybe because I want him
I want to touch and be touched
and touching was not enough
or maybe because
I want all of me to be his
and I want to own him entirely

he was holding me so tight
to the point where I felt his heat
was suffocating my breathing
that I thought he'd crushed me
but
the way the sunshine danced
on his skin this morning
lets me know how lucky I am
to be alive inside his arms

she was waiting
with spaced out gazed in her eyes
waiting for him to come by
she was waiting
he made her wait for so long
he was wasting her time
he was wasting her
yet, she was waiting
with hands on her chest
praying her love for him gone
while holding in the pain
she was waiting
but he never came
he doesn't love her
he doesn't care
so with all her might
she left

there's a room I left empty
but full of your memory
in that room I see a door
it's unlock but what for?
I'm imprisoned for life
a prisoner of your love

do you still remember
how you made me fall in love
before I can even blink my eyes?

all she had to do was sit there
and smile by your side
to make you sacrifice everything
when I had to put up with you
through your down and hell
just so you'd think you love me

how is it possible for me
not to think that I was
in a competition with her
when you never love me better?

I met him when he got lost
finding his way back home
then I remember I was lost too
but when our eyes met the first time
he looked at me like he got home
and I knew I've found mine

I am always the one who loves too much
who cares too much
that was the absolute reason why
I ended up with the biggest wound
I did that to myself
it was all my mistake
I am the one who pulled the trigger
to my head, up from my mouth
he was just there giving me the gun

I honestly don't understand your poetry
I don't even know how to read them
but I need a reason to speak to you
to get your attention, to be with you
I'd do as low as lying and scheming
just so I can listen to your loud laugh
or have a nice dinner and take you home
and maybe, just maybe, there's a chance
you'd give me your heart too

his face is sulking
through the foliage
under that big tree
where I lit my cigarette
—avoiding eye contact
as I turned down
the confession
of the love he made
especially for me
simply because
it's too heavy
for me to carry

you're the kind of guy
who always thinks that
it was only natural for me
to stand by your side
but I'm the kind of girl
who finally realizes that
she is so much worth
than just another plan
for you to delay

close your eyes, breathe slowly
imagine me whenever you're lonely
I'm always here in your daylight
cuddling your soul every midnight

close your eyes, wipe your tears
don't you hear me crying too, dear?
please move on, so I can move on too
though forever my heart belongs to you

chaotic mayhem has descended into my life
just when I think it is okay to put on a smile

his face were flushed in red
while holding my hand saying,
"before you go inside,
can I kiss you?"
as his lips touches my fingertips
I calmly answered to him;
"yes, but I have another request,
kiss me when we meet again too"

there I stood in the middle of the canyon walls
just to screamed out 'I don't love you anymore'
so that it echoes over and over back to me
because I cannot convince my heart
to ever believe that it needs to stop loving you

but I am a just an absurd poet
who writes about your love
from the first time it bloomed
when your light filled my room
to the moment my words bleed
when you stepped my heart with your feet

I was with you for so long
I become the writer of your song
I speak like you, I laugh like you
even my heart beats like yours too

who am I again? I am your clone
now that you're gone, I'm on my own
thus, I shall find myself, be me
like the way it's supposed to be

you ******* my world up and turned
you chose not to do what I asked
you always took me for granted
you never let me win over her
but
you were all I cannot live without
you made me laugh the hardest
you held me like I belong there
you loved me hard, you did try
and
I love you, I love us
I still do
but what is love again?
it's just a myth, my darling