You see, stretched far and wide, the ocean.
It is just as your every move and motion.
You always seem to come and go.
Sometimes fast, sometimes slow.
But you never go away or leave for good.
I can always find traces of where you stood.
And if I follow each of them, one after the other.
I can always find you, putting two and two together.


Do you see, up above, the pale blue skies?
It is just as empty as the look in your eyes.
Your soul seems very tired and strained
Your heart is left behind, darkly stained.
I have seen you search like a lonely ghost in the night.
Across bodies of water, forests, and deserts for light.
And till this day you are still roaming around.
Searching for difference in the monotone sound.


But now, do you see, beneath us all, the earth?
It is just as fertile as the happiness you birth.
You leave behind a trail wherever you go.
Many things are added with each tomorrow.
Fireflies, flowers, dew, a soft breeze grow.
Yet, you never look back, only in sorrow.
I wish you could see the truth in what you do.
Not just what or how you are, but also who.


And just as you can’t see the winds, even when all around.
You don’t notice how free you are and unable to be bound.
You bring change in the weather of life.
But you never stop your roaming or strife.
Your wings are strong but all grows tired.
So please accept how you are wired.
One day you will find a good place to build a nest.
And I hope it is in my arms you will find your rest.

I've been thinking hard
About every single card
Since we became dangerously unstable
We decided to put our cards on the table
Like a bridge in a prelude
I've come to conclude...
You truly love me, do you not?
I'm unsure if it's a little or a lot.


But despite how and what you feel
You've decided to take and steal
I've tasted of rejection
Instead of true affection
I have been abandoned and let down
Just because you were born in this town
You are cruel for pushing away my offered hand.
All in the name of patriotism and love for your land.


Your cruelty is birthed from your innocence
And unknowingly, around you, you've built a fence.
You don't know how much it scratches and stings
To feel you plucking and playing on my heartstrings
But the worst is that you have no idea or clue
About the harshness I always receive of you


So I've come to see
That we can not be
You love your homeland much more
Than me, who's not here forevermore
And you are unwilling to find a compromise
Therefore, our relationship is facing its demise
And although this makes my heart hurt and static
From the very beginning, you've been a fanatic

Death calls to me from time to time
Sometimes, I even slip on its slime
It reminds me of the stinging shards in my heart
It reminds me of how close it and I are apart
Softly, it whispers in my ears at night
“Only I can help you take flight
In this life, you go up this mountain every time
Just to fall down, that won’t happen with my slime
Every night, you cry yourself to sleep
Hiding your true feelings, oh so deep
If you call this life, how can I be any worse?
If you accept me, I can give you rest
Don’t you also think this is for the best?”
Then, I sit still and listen to its reasoning
But then I answer, after listening and thinking.
“Death, I climb this mountain because I must
When I fall down, it does wound my heart’s crust
But more than anything, I learn
With every loss, I earn
With every tear, at night
There is another bright light
For every time I hide
I find a better place to abide
If you are silence, peace, and rest
Life is adventure, which I like the best
So please stop knocking on my door
Stop pushing me to the floor
Because I will not let you in
I will get up after you think you win
As long as I breathe
I am not going to leave.

We learn out of hurt.
Saying I don't want to hurt
again, is not wise.

Experiencing
pain is not a bad thing if
you can heal again.

Healing is simple.
We can forget the pain once
we decide on it.

Sometimes it takes time
it is not always easy
since we overthink.

We think we are the
special case and sink into
self pitty again.

We accept our bad
parts and fail to see that we
can improve instead.

Special cases are
rare and the chance that you are
one is very slim.

So don't think the hurt
is too big for you to take
since you are stronger.

Blue, orange, grey
Night, day

Clouds pass by
Birds fly


Stars show
Storms blow

So many sights
Dark with tiny lights


Smile for me
With the sun in the sea

Light and blue
Sky, I love you

Into the unending
Always straight and bending
Out of the heart
Healing and tearing apart
Never fully explored
Brightly colored
A road into a foggy mist
Sometimes not to resist
Beating from soft to loud
Then, the other way around
Warm and firey
And clearly...
We are hopelessly lost forever
Scenery goes wherever
Blue as far as you can see
Deep into this ocean and sea
Sometimes a sighing forest
Mountains and desert
Heaven only knows where this will go
I don't mind, it's not for us to know

Are children smarter?
They often are enrolled in laughter.
Are babies geniuses?
They smile when they see different faces.
So is it smart to be joyful?
And stupid to be down and dull?
I like to believe so.
That we are sad when we need to be and let go.
Then, grow out of our mistakes and learn to walk.
We will make many mistakes before we can fluently talk.
It's not wrong to be wrong.
It might take us very long...
But eventually, we will run and not stroll.
We will easily be able to climb to any goal.
Just don't expect to run before you can stand.
Don't think you can draw when you've an inexperienced hand.
We must learn with the years.
Not always with laughter, but also tears.
We have been given more than a day...
To walk all this way.
Stand up when you fall.
When you can't, reach out or call.
People want to help, many do.
But we have all been lied to...
We have become so suspicious of strangers...
We make up all these scenarios and dangers...
We make it harder...
And people respond colder...
We think we protect...
But what do we really select?
We choose to be hard.
Cold, so we don't shard.
But... when we bend with what we can't change...
We widen our abilities and range...
We actually become better.
And even if it feels like we shatter...
We actually turn stronger than before.
We are softer but hard to the core.
We let people say hurtful things...
But we stay who we are and grow wings.
We stay quiet cuz that way they won't be able to reply.
We tell the truth, so people can rely.
We stand our ground when people go too far.
But we don't start a war.
There is a limit when people gotta back down.
They can't take your house when they have the whole town...
But yes...
Sometimes giving up the good for the great is best...
We sometimes go from ***** to grand.
And we don't always understand.
I don't think it's always necessary.
We might think it's unpleasant and scary.
But knowing everything has been impossible since the beginning.
The truth does sometimes takes away our singing.
The more you know, the more you carry.
But building on the hard truth is much better than...
Building on pillars of salt and sand...
We wilt if we don't grow...
So let's hug ourselves and be happy now.

Memories and regret...
We doubt and fret...
A balance is necessary...
Many think of mistakes as something scary...
But how else will we learn?
The people who don't want to listen and rather burn?
When there is no one that knows what to do...
Don't throw logic away and be you...
But the question is "who am I?"
Many people miss judge under the sky...
Not only others but themselves too...
We barely know what to do...
The line has become so hazy...
People are going beyond crazy...
Even nature knows better...
But the ice busy to shatter...
The sky is turning *****...
The sea is also filthy...
And humans live on...
Blinded and have forgotten the choice of right and wrong...
When they think they work hard...
It's just to get a higher number on their "credit card."
We have forgotten to run free in the hills...
We have left behind the winds that gave us chills...
We look the other way from the sun...
Do we even know which way we run?
Nature has become exotic...
People so toxic...
Very few people experience the wild's beauty every day...
Very few know by heart the wind's play...
So I look at the moon...
And know a complicated end will come soon...

We always try to keep looking up...
But when we stop...
And look down...
We see the ground...
It pushes us upward and supports our steps.
Because of the mud, we don't fall into the unknown depths...
We see the rock that guides our way.
We see how far we could be falling and where we could lay.
Looking at the clouds should only be done when our backs are sore...
When we can't look down anymore.
When we look at the stars, we sometimes find where we must go...
But we won't see the rivers and the streams that flow...
When we look beneath our feet...
Let's be glad that we are not dead meat.
I believe we should look all around.
Let's take turns to face the sky and the ground.
It is best to also look left and right.
To the darkness and light.
Without one of them, we will fall.
So let's face it all.
Yes, we all have our fears.
Yes, we learn sometimes the hard way for years.
Yes, we will scar and get bruised.
Yes, we will be naive and be used.
But I know and believe...
An easy life makes us forget the meaning of relief.
Life would be boring without these tests and lessons.
Easy or hard, we know what to do with these lemons.

Under the stars alone and cold...
Remembering what has been told...
Wondering if cold I will stay...
Wondering if alone I'll be all the way...
Wondering what will be up ahead...
Feelings of feathers or lead?
Walking, shivering, further...
Calling, getting colder...
Listening, making no sound...
I can't possibly turn around...
So further I go...
Through desert and snow...
Mountains or sea...
Where is glee?
Tears, why are you burning behind my eyes?
Silence, why are you answering my cries?
Wind, why are you whispering in my ears?
Time, how long and how many years?
Pain, why are you the only one hugging me?
Joy, why do you let me be?
Have I chosen for these scars to be made?
Have I asked to live in this darkness and shade?
Am I responsible for this smile of mine?
How do I make my heart shine?
Maybe, I should stop looking back...
I am the one to make me run faster on this track...
So I lift my head...
And this heaviness, I shed...
There, now I see the sun and the rainbow above...
I now know how to laugh and to love...
Smile, I have missed you so...
Happiness, I won't let go...
Laughter, I'm glad I opened the door...
Love, make me fly above the floor...
I found the missing pieces and am gluing them together...
Heart of mine, you are lighter as a feather...
Soul, don't fade from me...
Even if it hurts to see...
Scars, I know you teach me where to go...
I'm thankful for what I know...
Experience, good or bad...
I'm glad I can learn by losing what I had...
I'm not scared to smile or cry...
Both are necessary, it's no lie...
Hug yourself with a smile...
You are so much more than a computer file...
No matter who you are, I'm happy about you...
Reading this, I hope you are too...

Lifting a hand in the air...
Is it different there?
I feel no change...
What's the sky's range?
Just a bit higher up in the atmosphere...
Is it colder there?
Maybe I should dig downward...
But it's hard...
What is there to find under our feet anyway?
If up is cold, is down warm maybe?
Nothing blocks my view from the sky...
But the earth makes me ask why...
It is too dense to see...
In the sky we are free...
But when we fall...
We risk losing it all...
Hanging on...
Even when things go wrong...
The sky never hurts us...
Instead, e fear gravity's crush...
We cheated and used the wind...
And found the sky's end...
Untouchable and dark it is beyond...
What more is there to be found?
Just look around...
We know what's beneath the ground...
But beyond heaven's curtain...
Are we really certain?
It won't be as easy as the moon...
Finding things beyond, it ain't gonna be soon...
But looking doesn't mean searching...
Looking at how the stars sing...
You're not supposed to hear them with your ears...
They've been singing all these years...
In the melody of light and pace...
Movement and place...
Colour and brightness...
Everyone can trace...
A trail behind or a path in front...
A stroll or a hunt...
Trace the dust or stars...
Birds or cars...
Words or letters...
Every flower withers...
Roots in the earth and petals in the air...
It is only fair...

Time has passed...
Today has come so fast...
And yet so slow...
Just the speed that plants grow...

I've not been able to talk to you...
All this time, I've been stuck on what to do...
There has been a stupid error...
The help team doesn't answer...
Maybe I should call them this time?
Will they help me undo this crime?
Of staying silent to you...
Honestly, I don't know what to do...

So now, I write again here...
Stating everything clear...
Because it's your birthday...
And I just wanna say...
I'm so glad I could've met you...
You were not just a person I listened to...
You were a good friend to me...
Forever you'll be...
One of the sweetest persons out there...
Kind, patient, understanding, you care...
I hope and pray that you have a good day...
That you are smiling all the way...

It bothers me about every day or more...
I can't chat with you like before...
I couldn't even check the message you sent on my birthday...
I only saw that you sent something on that day...
And I appreciate you for that...
Don't think I've forgotten it...

I still love you as a friend...
Believe me, this is not the end...

Reaching for the stars...
Knowing they are the opposite of wars...
So silent in the sky...
Dancing so far and high...
My hand can only trace...
As they continue their pace...
What is behind that beautiful curtain of the sky?
Can someone there see me cry?
Maybe there is nothing but stars and space...?
But it sings beautifully with grace...
When we lose our hope in our path and road...
Then, we look up and see no load...
When we are hugging ourselves in the night...
That's when we notice the moonlight...
When we have fallen and been pushed to the ground...
When we lie there, we start looking around...
Only when we are running far away...
Do we think differently about what people say...
Lost in our own time...
Hitting our own hearts and stopping to shine...
When shall we learn to choose our emotions rightly?
When shall we stop to search for certainty?
Some things will never be certain...
But looking back at this beautiful curtain...
I also know that we all need our pillars of hope and certainty...
Love, peace, maybe even creativity....?
Just stop feeling home in that sadness and grief...
If you choose happiness you will taste that great relief...
But it's all in your hands and mind...
If you want to be rude or kind...
Just don't hesitate to cry...
It's better to let it go before you die...

Why don't we take flight?
Why don't we make things right?
Why don't you let me go my own way?
Why don't you listen to what I say?
How hard is it to listen to me?
Not only with your ears, do you see?
How much longer am I gonna have to wait?
Is it... Too late?
Why are you trapped in your thoughts...?
Why won't you accept water during droughts?
Why won't you let other people help you on your way?
Why do you always have to slay?
Why are you not seeing the full picture?
Why are you choosing your own torture?
Going in circles that go on, endlessly...
Fears that rage, ferociously...
Why have you given up on us all?
Why did you let go and choose to fall?
How much longer are you gonna scratch open the wounds of the past?
Can't you see that you are making them stay and last?
When you take your eyes away from the pain...
Then, you'll see the rainbow again...
But you'll never listen...
Because you think you're never mistaken...

The journey is long...
No time to sing a song...
The blazing sun on your heads...
Wondering where the path leads...
As you continue night and day...
You've forgotten how to play...
With only a goal before your eyes...
You walk in the heat that dries...
Frozen waves of sand...
But when you touch them with your hand...
They are burning and easily movable...
Dry throat and legs unstable...
Seeing dreams come true before your eyes...
But, when you come closer, they are lies...
Not able to go forward, against the howling wind...
Sand, wanting to drown you and you fear the end...
Losing sight and sound...
The tiny rocks have you, finally bound...
Waking up after an unknown time in an unknown place...
Of your friend, there is no trace...
Still thirsty, you start walking around...
Following the musical sound...

The night falls...
Do you hear all the different calls?
There flies the owl...
But I follow the wolf's howl...
I can already hear it louder than before...
There he stands, lonely and poor...
But still, head high as he looks me up and down...
Strong and proud he has grown...
Even though he looks fierce and scary...
I'm not scared by how he is, big and hairy...
I know he is loyal and true...
I don't always know what he'll do...
He has disappeared, many a time, nights and days...
It's almost like a game he plays...
But I end up hearing the familiar yelp...
Then, I'll always answer his call for help...
Sometimes it's a howl of loneliness or power...
Rising high above any other tower...

Is everything lost in the deep?
Why have my feelings gone back to sleep?
How long must I wonder and not know?
When will I learn and grow?
Why am I here, empty-handed...
Still sitting there where I landed...
The shock was too sore...
I can't anymore...
I'm, again, drifting alone...
Lost and cold to the bone...
Either they don't know or don't care...
I don't really have a good reason to share...
If I want to tell them, what do I say?
What can they do to my situation anyway?
No hold in sight...
Nothing feels right...
This time, sadness isn't very strong...
But powerlessness is singing his song...
Though, grief isn't absent...
Anger is silent...
Whatever I do...
I'm always thinking of you...

I feel like I'm losing my best friend...
There are a lot of messages to send...
But so much has changed between now and then...
It feels like he's slipping out between my fingers again...
I'm not going to hold him back...
Even though it's not him that I want to lack...
I wish he'd make more time for me...
But I'm not going to plea...
I'm unhappy and sad...
I miss what I had...
I feel like he doesn't need me anymore...
Like he has shut this friendship out the door...
Inside I grief...
What has happened to the thief?
Where is my heart?
Has it been torn apart?
Is it cold and starting to die?
Is it full of sadness and busy to cry?
Why are things so complicated these days?
Where are all the sun rays?
Where is the moon?
I just hope things get sorted out soon...

Sounds become unclear...
And I don't know what I hear...
My vision becomes blurred as I fall...
I don't even feel how I hit a wall...
The world goes black and I'm out...
I try so hard to shout...
But nothing of me wants to move or listen to my commands...
After an unknown amount of time, I wake up and look at my hands...
I hold a book I've never seen before...
Then, I hear the sound of a creaking door...
I look around me to find that I'm not where I fell...
It's not a cage and not a room, but a cell...
But, strangely, I find no door and no entrance of any kind...
A table, a chair, is all I find...
A blanket over me, so I'm not cold...
My attention returns to the book I still hold...
Its title reads "Journal 1."
I open it and I start reading till I'm done...
Short, thin, and small...
I quickly read it all...
A boy that lost the things he cared about...
How he tried but got thrown out...
Lonely and cold, he was left to die...
But he stood up once more to try...
He was looked down upon and laughed at...
But he refused to give up, no matter what...
He successfully became rich and wealthy...
He no longer belonged under the poor and filthy...
The story ends where he saves a girl from being attacked and killed...
People wanted her tongue to be stilled...
But he took her away to a safe place...
So the other don't have any clue or trace...
I turn the last page to find a key...
A note tied to it addressed to me...
"Dear Rain. Sorry for taking you away without warning."
"Please ask if you need anything."
"The latch is under the chair."
"Please watch out and take care."
I climb off and look under the chair...
And I find the latch there...
I open it with the key...
But underneath there is only darkness to see...

The sky is broken...
I'm holding his love token...
And as I look up into the starry sky...
The wind makes my tears go dry...
The waves join the dance...
And, again, the moon reveals my second chance...
I take a deep breath of cold air...
And suddenly I'm elsewhere...
Back in time, when I still had him by my side...
Before all my joy died...
I remember his smile that made everything right...
But, then, I remember I won't see it tonight...
I open my eyes again to gaze upon the lake...
Shock by shock, my shoulders shake...
My eyes are caught by the moon once more...
And for the thousandth time, I see an open door...
My heart lays broken within...
But from the darkness, I will win...
The pain is heavy to hold...
The once beating heart has turned to stone and is cold...
He might be gone right now...
I just need to get to him, but how...?
The past is the past and so it will stay...
It can't change or go away...
The future is what we must focus on...
Before it is present and then gone...
I look into the deep blue beneath...
And suddenly, I don't feel fear's teeth...
I get up and just stand there for a while...
Wild running questions heap up into a pile...
Then, I feel a warm breath from behind.....
And possibilities flash through my mind...
A creak of wood and a hand through my hair...
I turn around, and in his smile I stare...
He takes me in his protective arms...
And suddenly my heart warms...
My sobs rise up and my tears fall down...
My happiness is greater than shown...
After a while, I become calm and start asking...
But he puts his finger on my lips and stops me from talking...
"I wish it was different but this is my goodbye...."
I am speechless for a while but answer "Why?"
He starts shaking his head as his face shows he's in pain too...
He whispers "I love you..."
Then, he fades away...
And I wake up to find it's day...

I wander around in the snow...
Even though I have nowhere to go...
My footsteps are the only thing I hear...
The fog makes everything less clear...
I freeze in my tracks when I hear an unfamiliar sound...
I quickly turn around...
And I see a dark shadow appear...
My throat closes with fear...
I, slowly, back away...
But a tree pops up from behind and makes me stay...
I push myself against the bark...
The shadow comes closer and turns less dark...
A familiar human comes out of the grey...
I want to speak but I've nothing to say...
Wide-eyed, I stare at the thief...
I look him up and down and I shake my head in unbelief...
He just smiles as it starts to snow once more...
That smile shakes my heart's roots and core...
"Do you have any idea where you are?"
His words seem to come from far...
Slowly, I shake my head to the left and right...
My throat is still closed tight...

35: "Are you okay?"
You speak in such a worried way...
I smile, apologetic...
"Sorry, things have been hectic..."
You just nod as an answer...
Suddenly, you hold me closer...
Then, I hear it too...
I look at you...
You, softly, say...
"They are coming this way..."
I feel my chest close up from the inside...
I feel a big urge to hide...
The memories start to flash before me...
Suddenly I let go of your hand and I flee...
As I run, I hear you following...
I don't know where I'm going...
Suddenly, I'm stopped by a river...
You jump in, I follow and I start to shiver...
The cold waters pull me down...
But I can swim and I know I won't drown...
I get pulled by the tide...
After a short struggle, we land, safely, on the other side...

I want to reach out to you...
I want to help, I really do...
But somehow I feel like you won't let me...
I discovered, it's not my job to let you see...
The powerlessness is heavy...
But not too much to carry...
I know you'll get there...
You just need to realize who's job it is to steer...
God will take you to a place where you belong...
Even after everything goes wrong...
Inside, there is a voice that is always right...
It will never force you or fight...
It will grow louder and stronger, the more you listen to it...
It will show you the way out of any pit...
No matter how dark your circumstances have become...
There is a voice that will always lead you home...
God lets us go through rough times so we can learn...
Sometimes we go on till we are more than worn...
All God wants is that we listen to his voice...
But it's all your choice...
I've decided and I'm happier than before...
There is only 1 thing missing from my core...
I don't see the need in telling you what is gone...
You know why I'm alone...

Hi, dear Gabriel...
There is so much to say and tell...
But, still, I've nothing coming out of my mouth...
I wonder if this is part of my growth?
Without you, I'm incredibly lonely and lack colors...
Even though I'm surrounded by others...
People are everywhere around...
But you don't hear me making any sound...
Maybe I join a conversation here and there...
But do you notice at whom I stare?
Do you see who's eyes I avoid and search at the same time?
Do you realize how high, for you, I'll climb?
I might, smile, grin, laugh...
My skin might look very tough...
If you know what to say...
I'll quickly run away...
Don't you know how I feel?
Do you believe that what I once said is real?
Is it I you were meant to find?
Can you read my mind?
Don't you know that I don't compare your strength to that of other guys?
Do you see words written in my eyes?
Is it true that you love me still?
Can you tell me what is your will?
What are your dreams?
Tell me your favorite memories until your heart gleams...

My heart beats every second...
But it doesn't heal my wound...
I blink every minute...
But it doesn't help me to avoid a hit...
Gabriel crosses my mind at least every hour...
But it doesn't give me power...
The sun rises every morning...
But it doesn't take away my longing...
The moon shines down on me, every month, at night...
But it doesn't make things right...
I realize more every year...
But it doesn't destroy fear...
I grow older every decade...
But it doesn't strengthen the things I once made...
The promises faded while I had them in my hands...
The guide disappeared and now I'm lost in the hills and lands...
The stars won't shine at all...
I keep bumping in wall after wall...
I'm standing knee-deep in the mud of loneliness...
When I look back, all I see is a big mess...
The breeze of memories whispers in my ears and makes me shiver...
All I need to find is the river...
But I'm stuck at the moment...
I hear a bugle and I wonder who/what they hunt...
Maybe there is another war...
I hope they stay far...
I want to be by myself...
I don't need great wealth...
All I want now is Gabriel to open his eyes...
I want him to see all of the lies...

Why?
Do I really have to cry?
When I hear or read your name...
I feel a load of blame...
When I see when you were online...
No matter what I say, I'm not fine...
Tell me what you have to say...
Whispers your thoughts to me, night and day...
If you're silent, don't worry...
Let me tell you, I'm sorry...
Let me whisper in your ears...
The things I've felt for years...
The times I thought of you...
The months I didn't know what to do...
The weeks that missed you so much...
The days I've wished for your touch...
The hours I've cried...
The minutes I felt like I died...
The seconds you appeared in my head...
When I felt heavier than lead...
When I felt tears burning behind my eyes...
When I felt like giving up after so many tries...
When I felt like running away...
When I felt cold and grey...
When the only warmth was God and his word...
No one seemed to care except my Lord...
When there was no one to hug...
I had to unplug...
After a while, tears would come no more...
I was about to wither to my core...
Sadness was too big and strong...
Everything seemed to be wrong...
I lost my grip...
I fell and I had a dip...
I looked in the sea...
Sorrow and fear had to flee...
The beautiful coral reef I found took my breath away...
I wanted to stay...
But I went to overcome my troubles...
Then, I noticed that God had popped all my trouble bubbles...
I went to the shore and realized...
Without God by my side...
I'm all alone...
I sat down on a stone...
And held back tears again...
It started to rain...
The raindrops washed away my tears...
I noticed I have not many fears...
I jumped up and started to run...
I found a road and out broke the sun...
I suddenly knew what to do...
I looked up and saw the rainbow too...
Now I'm running on this road...
Getting rid of this heavy load...
Every day I learn...
But I feel my heart burn...
I know where to find my home...
But while I wait, I'll roam...
My home needs to find me...
Do you see?
My home has two long legs and walks around...
My home has two ears and hears sound...
My home has two brown eyes that read this...
I wonder if he realizes that he is the one I miss...

I wish I could let my tears fall in the sea...
I wish Gabriel could hug me...
I wish I could run far away...
I wish there was a horse farm where I could stay...
I wish I could sing my thoughts to the moon...
But I know that nothing of that will happen soon...
The days keep dragging on slowly...
And I don't feel less lonely...
My heart is lost...
But it is Gabriel I miss the most...
Why does it hurt me so?
What am I supposed to do and where am I supposed to go?
I've lost interest in a lot of things...
All I want is my own two wings...
I want to fly away so the hurt will be left behind...
But I know it will always stay in my mind...
I feel like asking Gabriel if he's okay...
But I've no idea what he'll say...
I want to talk to him...
But my heart is too dim...
Like the song says: I'm faded, so lost, I'm faded...
It's better than hated...
But it's still painful...
God has made my life less dull...
He's my only rock...
Luckily, He'll stay no matter how big the shock...

I keep asking myself why...
Is it because he is too shy?
Why did he let me go?
Maybe because he doesn't know what to do?
And what should I do now?
Am I supposed to continue to crawl low?
Am I supposed to fly high?
Maybe I should take off to the sky?
Then I'd find another place to start anew...
But I am bound to stay where my heart grew...
Otherwise, I'll wither to my core...
No love means nothing to live for...
I'm just alive because God loves me...
Without Him, I won't be able to see...

I wish to tell Gabriel how I feel...
But I never get to see him for real...
Only God can provide a way...
I might talk face-to-face to Gabriel any day...
My heart cries with every message he sends...
And I don't think it will be soon before it mends...

He says he's heartbroken...
I know it is because I sent back the love token...
The little key is also back in the giver's hands...
I know his gifts have more values than magical wands...
But those two items were eating on me...

My tears don't match the sea...
But I couldn't keep them any longer...
Now I'm here, left to ponder...
Thinking about the past...
Thinking how long will the love, that has been left, last...
I don't want to give him another scar...
I don't wish to start another war...
I just want him to move on and get over it all...
Or regret and fix before we fall...
It's everything or nothing...
Right now, we are in the middle of everything...
I'm unsure about what I should do...
I wonder who am I talking to?
Is there really someone wasting precious time?
Reading my every word and rhyme?

Gabriel, I want to talk to you...
But my fingers don't do what I tell them to do...
My brain also whispers to my heart...
"He's the one that tore you apart!"
My heart answers with a stronger call...
"He did what he thought was best for all!"
My brain mumbles...
"But have you forgotten about your divided heart pieces and crumbles?"
My heart doesn't agree...
"I once did the same to him, don't you see?"
My brain doesn't have an answer to that at all...
"But... But... But he made you fall!"
My heart answers again...
"I've had worse times, you are supposed to remember when..."
My brain thinks as hard as possible...
My heart tests the strength of a friendship cable...
"I've forgiven him... And there's nothing you can do to reverse that..."
My brain is speechless, "W... Wh... What?"
My heart gives a dull spark...
"My love hasn't turned completely dark..."

I sadly can't keep these items anymore...
Here is the key to your heart's door...
And your token of love that you have to hold tight...
Just remember that I'm thinking of you every night...
And I still miss you too...
If you want a rhyme you can always ask me to make one for you...
If you need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here...
Never be scared and never fear...
I'm praying for you, Gabriel...
And I believe everything will go well...

My heart is sore...
I can't anymore...
Another painful hit...
Another dark pit...
But someone still has my trust...
He knows how to heal my heart's crust...
Time will pass by...
And both my heart and eyes will cry...
I'm tired of being pushed around...
Now I'm thrown to the ground...
I'm feeling very low...
Luckily, I'm free now...
I know that someone will help me out...
I don't even need to shout...
He is now the One I'm living for...
Only He has all the keys to every door...
I still love Gabriel...
But somehow I feel like he has said farewell...
He hasn't turned his back on me...
But he won't see...
Blind are his eyes...
And I don't believe in lies...
I wish I could do something for Gabriel...
But I'm stuck inside the loneliness cell...
The familiar walls become more clear...
But I have nothing to fear...
Even though I'm holding back tears...
I know I'm gonna change in the following months and years...
Gabriel will change too...
I wonder what should I do...
My future looks musical...
But I can always fall...
I fell so many times...
Too many to say in my rhymes...

I've been closing my eyes very frequently the last few weeks...
I try to keep the tears from rolling over my cheeks...
But they keep falling...
I don't want to be seen crying...
The world inside the walls I've built is safer than outside...
Some people might mind that I hide...
But somehow I don't care...
Life is just not fair...
Love has somehow become a lot smaller...
And sorrow grown much taller...
Sometimes I burst with happiness...
But then not long after, I am surrounded by sadness....
I must teach myself how to love my family again....
I've no idea when....
But I do know that I will be alright....
Someday I'll stare at all the starlight....
With my favorite human by my side...
And we'll just listen to the sounds of the tide...

I'm thinking of you...
And I don't know what to do...
I want to start a conversation...
But I can't get myself into action...
I keep wondering, what happened between us?
What is making a fuss?
Shall everything heal?
Or is it a too big deal?
Shall everything stay dull and dark?
Or will everything turn to life with a big spark?
Shall I keep on feeling hurt everytime I hear your name?
Shall everything stay the same?
I wonder what is happening to me...
This is not the person I want to be...
Why am I so quickly upset and emotional?
It's not good of me at all...
But what am I supposed to do?
Why am I talking to you?

Why is my family about to crumble apart...
One wrong move and everything goes back to the start...
Why doesn't anyone seem to learn out of their mistakes?
Are they going to listen after earthquakes?
Maybe even that won't help at all...
And I must sit and watch how they fall...
I can't help them, no matter how hard I try...
They will just take away what I love and make me cry...

Now I'm here...
Maybe in the wrong gear...
I don't know what to do...
So now I'm just writing this rhyme to you...
I completely understand and I see...
You don't need to talk to me...
I'm just sad...
And I make people mad...

Oh, tree...
Please listen to me?
You don't have to do anything...
Just listen as I sing...
I've no idea what I should do...
I can only talk to you...
I wonder if I can wrap my arms around your bark...
Maybe then I won't feel so dark?
If I take one of your leaves will you be hurt?
Will your roots dig deeper in the dirt?

Everything was dark and dull...
Sometimes I would see a ship's hull.
If I were lucky, I'd spot sea animals...
There were no walls...
But I was trapped...
The sea bottom was not mapped...
And I was stuck down there...
I couldn't go anywhere...
Till someone helped me up to the surface of my troubles...
We popped the sea bubbles...
We laughed together...
Even though it was windy weather...
I will never forget that day...
I hope the happy memories will stay...

My heart is bleeding...
I feel like crying...
I miss him so...
Where did he go?
Is he still even there?
I can't seem to find him anywhere...
I hope he will turn up on Monday...
But it is still such a long way...
Why do I need to wait?
Is this my fate?
Will I ever see his smile?
I guess I need to wait a while...
Every day is a painful wound...
Every hour is another disappearing piece of ground...
Every minute is making me dizzy...
Every second is driving me crazy...
But I know I can survive...
Even though I don't feel very alive...
All I can do is wait till he's back...
I'll eat a snack...
I'll get something to read...
I'll answer my sister's plead...
I'll imagine my Kingdom...
While being doomed to boredom...

My heart is crying...
My happiness is dying...
I am bored frequently...
I'm hurt, mentally...
My life is dull and boring...
I wish I could talk to my king...
But he is away on a trip...
So I'll just climb on my pirate ship...
I will sail to the ends of the earth...
Because all the trouble will be worth...
But maybe he is too busy?
Too busy for me...
I guess I'll just wait...
I feel my heart's rate...
I look at my wall...
I wonder if I will fall?
But I can't be weak...
I can't afford to be meek...
I'm a queen...
Probably the youngest you've ever seen...
I must be strong...
Or am I wrong?
Should I let go of everything?
Should I maybe sing?
I sink on my knees...
I smell the seas...
I close my eyes to the sun...
I really want to run...
But I'm stuck...
I need a bit of luck...
Or do I only need to rest?
Will I then be on my best?
I have walked on my ship's deck...
But it has turned to a wreck...
I'm stuck on the island of loneliness...
I wonder what happened to the pirate princess?
I guess she is no more...
I believe she has withered to her core...
But maybe she has turned more powerful...?
Has she turned more colorful...?
Has she renewed completely...?
Changed greatly...?
Or will she stay the same...?
And not change from "princess" to "dame"...?

When he's gone, I'm not well...
I wonder where is that protective shell?
I wonder where he is...
I wonder when will he ever read this?
I hope I will survive until he comes back...
I know it is my best friend that I lack...
Without him, I'll die...
Right now I want to cry...
But my tears may not flow...
I just can't let it happen right now...
It's hard to wait...
It is getting late...
But I can't stop thinking of my one friend...
I wonder when this eve will come to an end?

18:
Probably at midnight...
I will give my sister a fright...
She will scream high...
As she thinks she's gonna die...
I will laugh very mercilessly...
Then she will cry helplessly...
And when I dissappear...
I am someone to fear...
For my stubbornness goes beyond death itself...
My evilness is in great wealth...
So beware...
I'm there...

The weight of guilt has gone...
I'm sure that I'm not alone...
I've found my heart again...
The wind blew away the rain...
Joyfulness has overpowered confusion...
I'm like a winged unicorn, not a lion...
The sky is my new home...
No more darkness that I roam...
I have a best friend which I don't deserve...
He is never on my nerve...
He is sweeter as honey...
His presence makes me happy...
I'm so grateful...
He doesn't make me feel dull...
Without him, I won't survive...
Without him, I can't dive...
I can't dive in the deep dark...
Where there is no spark...
But he is there...
And I shoot colors everywhere...
The long days of sadness are over...
I have become a lover...

Sun or rain...
Never be mad again...
Anger is bad...
It makes other people sad...
Sing a happy song...
Admit that you are sometimes wrong...
We must accept imperfection...
It is time for action...
We should make a difference...
We must break down the fence...
The fence between black and white...
Because neither is right...
We should live together without fights...
We should put on our inner lights...
We should shine friendliness...
And happiness...
Helpfulness...
And gracefulness...
We should be full of understanding...
No matter what is happening...
We should help wherever we are...
We should share...
Even though we aren't always rich...
We can help people who fell in a ditch...
Just think about how it would feel...
Unhappiness always on your heel...
Nowhere to go...
You would need help, wouldn't you?
We are able to make a big difference...
All we need to do is shine kindness...
Other people need help, that is why...
Are you going to try?

As I walk through the dark night...
I glow a strange light...
As I drink of the tiny waterfall...
I hear the night owls call...
As I walk among the forest...
I find the moonlit hills the prettiest...
As I feel the wind through my hair...
I breathe the clean air...
As I watch the sunrise out behind the hills...
I see the windmills...
As I walk through the small town...
I spot a clown...
As he entertains...
I see the purses his friend gains...
As I pass the laughing crowd...
I hear the church bell ringing loud...
As I knock on a house door...
I hear a beggar crying for more...
As I walk into the house...
I spot a cat catching a mouse...
As I greet my family...
I hear people singing happily...
As I prepare food...
I am in a jolly mood...
As I listen to the song...
I sing along...
As I call everyone to come to eat...
I hear the sound of rushing feet...
As I sit down with my family to enjoy the meal...
I realize nothing is real...
As I imagine how the old days must have been...
I smile because I'm only just a teen...
As I think of the things printed in my mind...
I wonder what I have left behind...
As I remember sweetness...
I feel that same happiness...

As I look out of my cage...
I see people rage...
I see people crying...
I see people lying...
I turn my back to the rain clouds...
Then I feel the rainbow breaking my heavy bonds...
My laugh can be heard from far...
As I run away from this sad war...
I run along with the seas...
I hear the whisper of the trees.....
The wind takes me to a lake...
And then I awake...
I sigh and I look around...
Then I look towards the ground...
I smile with the thought of my best friend...
I get reminded that this is not the end...
I stand up to make my dreams come true...
I look into the deep blue...
The ocean waves sing a relaxing beat...
I breathe and I feel great.....
Then I feel a hand on my shoulder...
For a moment I shudder.....
I turn around and see the person I trust the most...
I smile because he is not lost...
We dream of adventures...
And as we are painting pictures...
The stars shine bright...
Then I wake up again with a fright...
I give a big sigh...
I ask myself "why?"
But I am satisfied...
I have no reason to hide...
I will not be sad...
Even though I miss what I had...
I know I will make more happy memories...
I will forget the dreadful cries...
Happiness will surround me with light...
Blue, orange, white...

I wonder why I feel so dumb and clumsy?
Why do I feel so pathetic and ugly?
Will I ever be happy again?
Or will it continue to rain?
Shall I stay in the dark?
Do I have another hurtful mark?
Will my heart ever stop to cry?
Or will it continue till I die?
Why can't I fall asleep at night?
Did I fall from a greater height?
Will I ever get back to where I was?
Will this dark cloud ever pass?
I guess I just need to wait for the rainbow to come out...
Because that's what it is all about...
We all need rain to live...
We all need to learn how to give...

What has happened to my dear friend?
Has his life come to an end?
I so dearly hope he is fine...
My inner light doesn't want to shine...
I wonder if I lost my heart forever?
Why does it feel like I come from the nether?
Am I just dreaming?
Or does it feel like my heart is dying?
Maybe it is dead already?
Maybe that is the reason why I feel heavy?
Is someone able to fix it back?
Is it my best friend which I lack?
Maybe Gabriel knows what must be done?
Maybe he knows why I feel so alone?
It feels like time has captured me...
I have no idea what I must be?
Sad?
Mad?
Scared?
It all feels so weird.....
I wish Gabriel was sitting beside me...
I wish he could make me see...
I wish he would wipe away a tear...
I wish he would call me his "dear"...
I'm literally sitting alone in the dark of the night...
And there are no stars or moon to give light...
I feel rejected by everyone...
Maybe it is because I am alone?
My dreams seem so far out of reach...
They seem so dull and they have turned bleach...
Why is there no one for me in my darkest moment?
Why do I feel broken and bent?
I know Gabriel would help me somehow...
But he is not here right now...
What have I been doing all these years?
Why am holding back tears?
Why am I stuck to the ground?
Why does gravity keep me bound?
Why can't I fly like birds in the sky?
Why can't I go so high?
Why is my life so confusing?
Why is my character so boring?
Why do I only realize now how much Gabriel means to me?
Why did I make him so very angry?
Why did I let go?
What should I do?

I miss the good days...
But I must choose between ways...
And whatever I choose...
No matter if I go loose...
I will stay like a ghost...
Roaming Belgium the most...
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why do I feel so empty?
Why do I feel so dead?
Is something wrong with my head?
Why do I feel so stuck?
Have I run out of luck?
What has happened to my emotions?
What is wrong with my actions?
Am I fading out of existence?
Have I spoiled my last chance?
Have I lost my way away from the herd?
So many questions which are unanswered...
Luckily they don't drive me crazy...
Because I have someone in this world that makes me happy...
He lifts great lifts from my shoulders...
He is so unlike others...
He is funny...
And when he is angry...
I know he can become sorry...
He is so lovely...
He is so trustworthy...
We were both so lonely...
But then we met each other...
And then happen the wonder...
We laughed together...
Our lives turned to the better...
We had imaginary adventures...
We had pet vultures...
We rode in battle side by side...
We didn't even think about where to hide...
But now...
I wonder where he will go?

Oh, Gabriel where are you now?
I need to talk to you, but how?
You are so far...
I hope you are not at war?
I am just so desperate...
Is it already too late?
It is past noon...
And I wonder if I shall see you soon?
Will time bring it along?
Or am I totally wrong?
Time drags past so slow...
But I want to see you now...
Why can't I teleport?
Or will that hurt?
I don't care a thing...
I would do anything...
Just an hour with you to talk...
Remember when we went for a walk?
I cherish those precious memories...
Sometimes it is like a bunch of lies...
As if it never happened...
But then I get reminded...
The letter you wrote...
Or shall I call it a note?
I can't thank you enough...
Every time I go through my media I laugh...
I discovered something and I want to tell you...
You made me smile and you still do...
I found out that my heart is still on fire...
Even though I have tripped over a wire...
You helped me up to my feet...
And I type this as I feel my heart's heat...
I am sure of it now...
Don't ask how...