There was once a point in my life where you couldn't keep me from writing.
When the ink would flow from my pen in an unending stream, pouring my consciousness onto paper.
I have not lost myself,
At some point though, I stopped loving myself the way I deserve.
The poison of criticisms had seeped their way into my mind and forever altered the chemistry of my brain into an acidic soil deprived of nutrients.
The winding weeds of doubt overtaken all the space, coaxing their way into every crevasse.
I struggle to pull these weeds out at their root, feeling as though I am constantly nipping at fresh buds, overwhelmed, as I cannot find the spaces beneath the surface where true problems lie.
Can I just throw out all this tainted soil and begin anew with fresh dirt, or am I to spend a lifetime pulling at weeds trying to make room for flowers and food.
I would like to slip softly, kindly, into the abyss..
That sweet nothingness, which cradles all in darkness.
I wish to become part of it,
Letting that cold emptiness entwine itself, into my thoughts, smothering them into decay.
I seek to see no trace left, of this mortality I hold.
To let it drift away on oceans of black, eventually sinking sweetly beneath the tectonic plates.
What do I do, with this sadness.
There's still more left after it spills onto canvas.
I write some words with my pen into a journal and then,
I slip further into this state of madness.
Daylight is fading.. the night sky will soon envelop my world.
The light will fade away from day, til darkness is the only thing to stay.
And all I can do is watch.
Yes I see these memories,
But was I really there?
Body and mind both there in time,
Though soul and thoughts, were where?
The past a story written down,
The pages in a book.
Photographs on camera roll,
The ones I never took.
What lie in your home,
In corners, undisturbed.
Are there thoughts, feelings, of things unknown,
Or one's that may preturb?
Have you ever felt a draft blow through;
That shiver of regret.
Or is your heart hidden from outside view,
Unseen, by even you.
Saftey in shelter, in secrets kept,
I see you, tall and proud.
I also peer through veil and shroud,
Seeing loss for which you've never wept.
How can you expect, to be love adept,
Shunning all feelings which have crept.
I've fallen back into the abyss,
After swimming in a sea of light.
It's much darker here than I remember.
A shadow drapes itself across my naked body,
Weightless.. yet, heavy.
The shilouetted form cuts itself a share of my light.
Leaving behind a darkness.
Peering eyes, unseen.
I wish this were a dream.
Another sleepless night
Come out now, I beckon and coax.
Turmoil; twisted and tethered,
like tendrils on my subconscious.
It's my only goal to make them slip, unclip, and submit.
I am to wash away all negativity and dismay, to make my world anew by light of day.
In my mind, my soul, my body, my whole; these things I will not let stay.
I will taste the lust on your lips,
For I have watched it linger there.
I will coax out those words you hide in your mind,
For I have seen sentances spark within your stare.
I will bite at these things that keep you contained,
For I also wish to be free from restrains.
I've never learned to wade in the waters of a soul before venturing deeper,
Instead I jump right in, an eloquent dive into the deep end.
Paralyzed with possibility;
These choices stun something within me.
Yearning to grasp what it is I want,
Whilst keeping myself chained. A taunt.
The animal within stirs up a chorus of growls,
The innocence slips past that thought which fouls.
My claws are sharp. My teeth, the same.
I am one who can not be tamed.
You were the first drop of rain after a seemingly endless drought.
The beginning of the end of a barren Era.
After that first drop, the crops began to take life.
The trees seemed to stand taller,
The animals, seemed calmer.
You were the start of everything new.
You were the embodiment, of everything true.
I couldn't ask a thing from you,
Your presence is enough to fulfill a lifetime.
This is what I've wanted.
To slip under sheets and get a restful sleep,
Instead of laying awake, uncertain, unsatisfied.
I've wished to be lost in the comforts of pillows and blankets,
Not left uncovered, uncomfortable.
I've found a new bed
I've found the dream outside my head.
I finally feel alive, not dead.
If life were a bed
Cravings I've had before are nothing compared to thoughts of you,
The desire of lust is nothing, compared to the motivation for a conversation.
Hit that switch and let your thoughts drown me, I can drink them all.
Flip that lever and I'll show you my endeavor, to learn all I can of who you are.
Excitement at the mere thought of a thought, of a thought.
You're in my dreams, boy.
You are my dream, boy.
To call it a crush would be false.
I miss feeling wanted.
Back when I knew I was desired,
Before I turned into someone who was acquired.
I lie naked before a man in armor,
Who asks me to undress more.
I lie naked, exposed, given no honor,
In the midst of a winter storm.
To remain, and sacrifice my mind and body,
Or leave with my skin void of all clothes.
Love is a lonely place to be,
Love may not be a place for me.
It was like radiation.
The atom bomb he dropped,
It was enough to **** us off.
I didn't know
The lingering effects
Would eventually **** anything
I held near, or dear.
There is not a day, I don't wish to be seen
As a woman straight out of a dream.
You come off as tough and unyielding,
And I, a maliable form..
Show me your weakness;
And I'll show you my strength.
I watched you fade away,
At a quicker pace
Than the bruises you left, on my body.
If not a kiss
Who's pallete ranges, from sweet
If I cry to the moon, like a wolf in the woods..
Would it heed a reply?
If I let my tears drip, as I bathe in the river..
Would the fish taste the salts of my sorrow?
If I exhale a breath into the night air,
Would the breeze even be aware?
Are my actions frozen in place,
Or simply, displaced..
Like the smile from a face.
I feel your heat, fire.
I long to get close enough to be burned.
I am your observer, you can call me yours.
But you, are not mine.
I am one with the crowd flocked around you.
All of us close enough to feel,
But I'll envy the one you consume whole.
The pyromaniac who fears nothing and walks right in, to feel your all.
Scattered shavings of pencil led
To line the dusty floor.
Sketched art instead of words unsaid
Sleeping behind closed doors.
A sillouette in graphite lines
Surfaces in the dark,
When light shines out and down again
The creature does embark.
Don't leave the bottle out for the alcoholic,
who's in the midst of losing grip
Don't tempt the former addict,
who's mind can't stop craving the next drip
Don't smoke in front of the smoker,
who swears they've finally quit
Don't lend money to the gambler,
as temptation persistently insists
Don't even touch the *** addict,
cause at first, it's always bliss.
Addiction isn't just something that happens, it's something that is.
each of us have our poisons in that regard, from those things we cant resist.
I look for you, as I walk through the grocery store.
In that brief moment, wondering if there is milk at home or not.
My eyes wander, hoping to find you,
Whilst my mind skips the thought.
I'll see a sliver of a car drive past me,
And I cant help to look at the driver, in case its you.
I'll avoid eye contact,
I'll walk silent, as though sneaking.
I am not here today;
If I am, no one sees me.
Sometimes I wonder
If it's because I have shut so much love out, in fear of hurt,
That love hasn't shown it's face to me
It's but a lonely place, in this heart.
No matter how clean things are kept,
It constantly feels it's all falling apart;
And to clean up this mess, I don't know where to start.
From the first day I saw you,
There wasn't a doubt in my mind.
I like you.
From the first day we spoke,
There was all the more reason.
I cannot say I know you well,
Or that many do, from what I can tell.
Still, it seems you have me under a spell.
Each morning I wake, you cross my mind,
And throughout the day those thoughts linger.
I have spent a great deal of time
Fantasizing situations where we meet again;
Where I'll say the words I write with my pen.
Intimidatingly alluring, that is what you are.
I cannot keep my awkwardness from stirring,
As I try to be smooth whilist my thoughts are still churning.
I keep messing up the words, from my mouth that come out.
You're even more fine, than the best dwarven stout,
With an essence of strength, though you keep yourself at length.
Even without a stash of memories, of you, in my mind;
Thoughts of you still cross, I find.
This is but a simple note to entwine your mind with rhyme,
I find you sublime, and I think you're divine.
To entwine you, within my forests
Of compliments and compassion.
To feed your every breath, fresh air
Of honesty and understanding.
Perhaps this is what, you want from me;
But fear I may one day, lie to the.
Well, give me but a chance,
I'll show you the world in which
You have me
I'll concoct the finest Ventures,
And gift to you, my many splendours.
Fulfill your every want, and greed,
Satiate when you do plead.
Tis my desire. For you, I feed.
Thou shall refrain from embracing the sun,
Or even setting course, too near a star;
In fear of the heat, exhaustion, and getting burned.
Though in time we all do learn, a trip can be more than but a destination..
It can become a journey in search of love, worth or salvation,
A trip becomes a memory, those memories become a life been lived.
And what good story exists without a point
I shall grace the, with my misery.
Eluding certainty of attraction.
Stirring the ***, of everything sought,
After I poison myself in humilitys fashion.
I shall consume thy concoction;
Devouring all that delights,
Whilst keeping my soul
And my heart, out of sight.
I may claw at my throat,
From the poisonous notes.
Grasping for air, claiming life isn't fair,
To avoid the one certain truth,
I'm the only cause, of despair.
The unworded truth lay twisted,
Where teething creatures stir.
Caught in the cobs of forgotten crevasse,
The doomed but dormant menace.
Thy beast shall be relieved of such burden,
Set free to light all darkness in flame
To extinguish all, til no brightness remains.
Putrid air from foul corpses, permeate the living.
Forsaking unfit, weak forces; creating a race of productive courses.
Allure me with silence, causing a stir of thoughts
In my heart as an ocean, in my mind as a sky,
In all of those rivers which have long since run dry.
Is this your endeavour, to drench yourself in splendour,
Leading eyes away, whilist running astray.
Watching me squirm, with each second of delay.
Perhaps it is not, the outcome you've sought.
Though the truth is so far, from easy to spot;
As any good killer, not easily caught.
I arrange these messes of letters;
Trying to express feelings and thoughts.
Twenty six letters do not suffice
To describe some states of mind.
No metaphors, or similies, could portray
The hyperbole, of self induced dismay.
She was a child of the universe,
Wading through the tall grass
Only stopping to reach up, and touch the stars.
I asked her how the stars felt when she touched them,
She replied, "like sunshine in the winter."
I asked her how they made her feel,
Then she told me, it was far too surreal.
The gypsy queen of eighteen,
Her soul, a map of destinations.
Her actions never needing explinations.
As wild and free, as a ship at sea.
She never was, but she will always be.
That magazine you keep on your shelf,
That you haven't looked at, more than twice.
It holds all of my sympathy,
For I know, of what that felt.