You ended something we never were, that you never gave us the chance to become,
And now it's 4 am and I'm writing poems for you over my third glass of wine,
And I am still in love with you.

"Write something funny",
She said with a roll
Of her perfect eyes
As if all this was
Not already
A joke

Every space we once occupied
Together
Has turned to ash in my heart now
That you and she are there
Together
While I am here dreaming of you
Alone
I miss the nights I'd find you
Alone
And we could talk about anything
Together
And as long as you have her you
Don't need me so I'll stay away
You can stay with her
Together
And I'll stay here
Alone

Your eyes are blue
In the sunshine,
But not just any blue.
They are the color of
The wildflowers that grow
In the fields we run in
(sometimes. But not anymore)
Except for in the morning,
When I awake next to you
(once, but just friends)
They looked green.
In fact, they were the exact color
Of the leaves outside my window
When I see them through rain spattered
Panes: storm-colored.


Your eyes are grey
In the shadows when you
Laugh and tell me silly things
That mean more to me than
Anything I've ever been taught
(I love you)


Your eyes are blue
Even when you say nothing is better,
Nothing is what you want for us.
Through my tear clouded mind,
Your cold, careless eyes are blue.
And I still love you.

I am tired.
Tired of the rules,
Tired of the demands,
Tired of the orders.

I am ready to leave this mess,
Leave it all behind me.
The stress and the fear,
The lust and the love.
I don't want it anymore.

I need to leave this place,
Go far away, anywhere but here,
Anyone but you.
Even home looks like a haven.

I want to drop everything.
I don't want to care about anything,
Grades, friends, parents, roommates,
And I don't want to care about you.

I want to forget the scent of your perfume,
The sound of your voice,
The touch of your skin against mine.

Worse than my newfound apathy for school,
Than my lack of interest in my friends,
Than the stress this school has given me,
Is my inability to move on without you.

I need to go home, to sleep.
To skateboard and play guitar,
To spend my mornings teaching
And my afternoons reading,
And most of all I need to
Be far, far away from you.

This emptiness
It's all you left me with,
your friendship and fake smiles
and careless "I love you"s
Cannot hold a candle
To the hole you made
You chipped away at me
Little by little
Making a place for yourself
Inside of me
I let you build a home in my heart,
Hell, I helped you paint the walls.
I was so happy to have you
To hold you
To love you
I was eager to let you in
I stood by as you filled this hole
I watched you ooze
Like cancer between my bones
Spreading your poison through my brain
It felt so good to let your smoke
Pool in my lungs
And choke my throat
Until I was made of you

You were happy to pour yourself
Into me but I guess you really did care
You loved me too much
To let yourself love me
When you saw how I held your hand
Like a needle
And needed your voice
Like nicotine
You pulled away
You need me too much
To risk killing me
At least that's what you said
When I cried out for one last drag
You may be right
Your love would have consumed me
Until there was nothing left but rotting bones
Even so, despite your desperate attempt
To save me from us
I may not survive this withdrawal
My self rehabilitation
Is more painful than I can stand
At least not alone
If I had you
To hold my hand
And promise my pains away
I might be able to quit
And maybe we could be friends
But alone I didn't have the strength
To heal these sores and forget your lips
I couldn't wait
For my heart to stop pounding
Instead I took a knife
And cut this cancer out
Myself
I was the surgeon
Carving out this cancer
That came from addiction
I cried when you took it away
It left these hollows in my skin
My skin is paper thin
My blood pressure weak
This self dichotomy
Was messy and rushed
I tore memories of us
Out of my ribs
Scraped your smile
Off my heart
With a spoon
Filtered your perfume
Out of my blood
Medicated myself
With weight loss
And alcohol, music
And poetry
To dull the pain
And stitched my skin
Back together with lies
To cover the scars
Of my haste
I never healed
I forced months of
Chemotherapy
Into a few weeks
It hurt but so does
Thinking about you
I haven't spoken
To you since I started
This self treatment
I'm afraid that when I finally
Do see you again
These stitches may unravel
And I'll fall apart again
Leaving this disease exposed
All these holes for you to see
Will you still want
My friendship
When you've seen
The pain in my eyes
And the scars you left?

You must be my cellar door
Beautiful in sounding
Still, common in meaning
You may rewrite yourself
An abstract "Selladore",
But you'll never change
I've learned this at long last
And I'll write for you nevermore

I've fallen in love
With all of you
From the stars
In your eyes
To the constellations
On your skin

I was never
A poet
Until the night you
Taught me the pain
A word
Can bring and now
These words are my only
Defense
And my sharpest
Knives.
My most deadly
Inflictions
Upon my own
Skin
And tonight I bleed out
For you
These words onto
a page
That you will never see

I
I've loved your eyes
Like a sailor loves the sea--
Wholly, without regard for safety

II
I've loved your smile
Like an infant loves her mother--
Effortlessly, without end

III
I've loved your laugh
Like a bird loves the sky--
Freely, and without judgement

IV
I've loved your touch
Like a drowning man loves the air--
Greedily, without thought

V
I've loved you
Like an astronomer loves the heavens--
With wonder, and respect

If love is an artform
We were the artists
A turkey is done
An artist is finished
Final like chloroform
That is, not very
But I am done with you
Am I really done
Short answer: no

The long answer is
I'll never be done
Not with you nor
With my art
I'll always drift
Back to you but the
Thing is you'll just
Drift right along

So no, done is not
The word for
You and I for
You are done
With me but I am
Finished with you

I fell asleep on my pen
Once remembering your
Hands onto the page became
Too exhausting.
I awoke to see,
Like a vision from
a beautiful dream, you.
You, across from me
With her
And when you had to go
You finally looked at
Me and said goodnight, darling,
With that look in your eyes,
As if this was my fault

Last night I dreamed that you were here
You told me you loved me
I took your hand and said I was sorry
And we laughed at what fools we'd been

I want to spend
The rest of my life
Counting the stars
On your skin
I want to trace
The constellations
Across your body
With mine

i
There's a boy I've seen
He's keeping me awake
But leaving me alone
We never spoke, not really,
And yet my thoughts
All lead to him.

ii
He's not much of a man
Looks just like a boy
He's got a cherub's face
And laughter just like wind
Still, he's big enough
To make me feel small.

iii
He wears this dumb beanie
In the middle of august
But it draws my eyes back,
Time and again
His sweet hair falls in his eyes
But his grin pierces through.

iv
I guess I like him for his charm
And the easy way his fingertips
Glide across a keyboard
Maybe it's the nerdy shirt
That first caught my eye
But his smile pulled me in.

v
I don't know why I'm so obsessed
It's not like we're even friends
I have no excuse for feeling badly
When I never even tried
Anyhow, it matters naught
I'll never see him again.

If I could write I'd write you a novel
Eight hundred pages of "why I love you"s
If I could paint I'd paint you a thousand portraits
To show you how beautiful you are from every angle
If I could rhyme I'd be a famous poet
Because you are my muse, the best I could ask for
If I could fly I'd show you the world
There must be a view that would make you fall in love with me, like I with you
If I was strong I'd always protect you
But I'm the one that's broken
And if I could sing, this would be a love song,
And you might hum along.
And you just might love me.

I take a breath
I miss the smell your perfume left in my clothes
I open my eyes
yours looked so sad yesterday. I wish I could ask you why
I put on a shirt
I miss the way you used to rub the hem of my sleeve with your fingers
I brush my hair
I love your new color
I take a step
do you still remember our long walks in the woods?
I go on
*and so does life

Your fingers between mine
Warm breath on my neck
Hair tickling my nose
Your body wrapped around mine
My heart beating with yours
Cold feet against my legs
Hot hands under my shirt
Smooth skin under my fingertips
Your perfume in my throat
Hot breath mixed with mine

Since you left me
I've become far more
Intimate
With the small hours
Of the morning
Than I ever was
With you

Is it right
Maybe not
This ache to write
Is it all for naught
Merely a false rite
But it ties the knot
In my plight
One shot
At your delight

I'm just a body, a lonely prison
My thoughts have fled these walls
Sought out your sweetness, and
Last year's Halloween candy
That made your lips so sticky
That I yearned to taste it all again
On your lips. I love you.

Let me be your cartographer
The first and last explorer
To map your curves

Let me paint sunsets
Across your body
With the colors of love

Let me be your companion
I'd travel the world with you
To watch it take your breath away

2am, deadlines racing closer,
Racing the sun over the horizon
Muddled thoughts, blurry eyes
Rub them until you see straight
Until you can see the stars again
Third night this week
Panic gently, but make no sound
Reaching for the mug of bitter nectar
Panacea now, but the enemy tomorrow
Take a soothing sip, burn your tongue
Its hotter than these tears, taste nothing

One page down, four years to go
Drink your black, black coffee
Black as the night,
Black as ink flowing like blood
From one thousand pens
Flowing like dreams
From their arms
It's just another drug
Welcome back, old friend
Feel it deep in your bones
You are nothing here,
A drop of coffee on a white page
You are nothing in this library silent

The first color I saw was blue
In your eyes the day you smiled
At me and opened my eyes
Everything was black and white
Until I saw you surrounded
By the colors of love

Do you know what "lovelust" is?
It's a craving for late night movies and early morning smiles.
It's a want for stolen kisses and borrowed fingers.
It's a hunger for shared secrets and inside jokes.    
It's a desire to know every inch inside and out of someone's being.
It's a yearning to touch and be touched by someone whose love for you burns as bright in their eyes as in yours.
It's the sick-to-the-stomach feeling you get when you picture yourself happy with someone else.
Lovelust is when you look into your friend's eyes and wish you could see more than just your own reflection inside.

swirling black fears
darkness closing
cold regrets

Even when I try to distance myself from you,
I can't help but try to catch your eye in the hall.
Every flower in the grass makes my fingers ache
to braid them into your hair.
I tear up the flowers I pick before I can do something stupid,
like give them to you.
When I look out my window I see you and I,
running through the woods and over the fields,
laughing with the joy of being alive together.
And in the dead of night I still hear the echo of your voice,
saying "I love you", even when all is silent.

Darling I've been here before
I've held these hands,
I've met these eyes
I used to think we could be together
One sweet night was all I got
But it was a paradise
One I'd only tasted in dreams
But now it's just a bitter memory
Of mistakes made and hearts broken
Now you have her and I have me
Yet perhaps not even she has won
You still say you're happiest
Wrapped in my arms
As if it's her fault you didnt choose me
I thought I'd move on
I knew I'd still be broken
But I'd be okay
Well I was wrong
I'm only fine as long as we're apart
And the sun is shining
And I don't have to think
Or feel
A thing
But when I see you
Or her
Or smell the rain
Or choose Orange
Or hear any of our songs
I have to admit to myself
That I am far from recovery

But if I had the chance to do it all again
To turn back the clock, and relive
Those two short months
When nothing came between us
I'd take it
Even knowing how the story ends

Ladies and gentlemen, gaze now upon this, our final attraction: one fool, lost and brokenhearted. Watch as she tries to find anchorage in clumsy poems and petty love songs.
It may appear as though she is no different from the rest of us, but don't let her dangerously cheerful facade delude you. It is but a crumbling wall made of watering smiles and false enthusiasm, poised to topple at a moment's notice. Come, she is quite tame. She grasps at broken pencils and tattered journals, finding solace in their steadfast companionship. It may seem to be self therapy which she is after, but peer closer. Deep down, the only compulsion for each sadly plucked melody and smeared sketch is a sense of self loathing so old and innate it has become her only companion. It feeds a sick need for personal abuse which creates scars running far deeper than any physical violence could ever achieve.

My desire for the feel of your skin on mine
Is so strong I'd do anything for it even
If it meant nothing to you because
Even ottomans can feel your touch but
I know you will never love an ottoman.

I'm over you, I'll say tonight
Over you, it's only half a lie,
But inside I'm only half alive

All your promises,
Each whispered "I love you",
Every smile, every kiss,
They've pressed my heart to a page.
Your careless words
Have lovingly tucked me away
Between the pages of your life
A mere prologue for you.
Once beautiful and alive,
Now all that is left of me
Is a withered smile,
Like an old flower,
Pressed to a page.

It's nearly midnight
On another Monday's eve
And I have so much work left undone
Yet the first thought on my mind
Is of your sleeping form
And that perfume you always wear
And the way you'd lace your fingers
Through mine and press your lips
To my hand before whispering "goodnight"

I should be working on something
But the first thought on my mind
Is of you
As is the second
And all that follow

I used to love rainy days
Until they started reminding me
Of your eyes

When I look out my window I see you and I,
running through the woods and over the fields,
laughing with the joy of being alive together.
And in the dead of night I still hear the echo of your voice,
saying "I love you", even when all is silent.

How long will it take you
To forget the smell on my hair?
How long before you stop coming to my room
Out of habit?
How quickly will your heart stop aching
At the mention of my name?
A month? A week? A day?
Did you ever need me?
Will you miss me at all?
While I lie here alone
Crying for your touch,
Will you move on?
How long will it take you
To find another?
Prettier. Skinnier. Smarter.
More talented. Better.
Will her smile outshine
All your memories of me?
Will her hands be softer,
Her feet prettier,
Will she be bolder and brighter
Than I ever was?
How long will it take you
To replace me?

You're responsible
For the sleepless nights
Depressing poetry
And self hate
That I am made of now.
You did this to me
But who did it to you?

I want to find the person
Who dulled that gleam in your eye
The person who made you believe
That love doesn't last
And no one stays forever
I want to find her, make her pay
In tears, in lies,
For everything she did to you

I anchored myself to a stone
The safest place in my mind
Surrounded by a sea of madness
An ocean of tears

I sit my my stone, my safe place
With my heart in my head
Far above the waves
Away from these memories
The water is at peace

I'm okay. I'll be alright.
It starts with a thought
Of the shape of your smile
The next thing I see
Is the rising tide

Tears I've kept at bay
For so long now must
Be free and escape but
There are too many
Now I am drowning
In the rising tide

I am selfish.
It seems to me like each day you drift
a little farther from my arms,
but while I lie here alone, missing you,
I must admit to myself that it is really I
who has left. My poor heart, which longs
for your kiss each time you smile,
is pushing you away. I am losing a friend
because I am unable to silence my own desires
whenever you hold my hand. If I was truly
your friend I would be able to stay with you
through every silent storm that passes through us.
I should be able to stand strong by your side,
even when she is there, too.
Obviously, I have failed you as a friend,
and if I can't overcome my own pain for you, how
could I ever be your only one?

She and I lay out
under the stars once
To find shooting stars
and privacy.
She told me she loved me,
and held me close,
And I believed her.
But in the darkness
I couldn't see her eyes.

The library is silent
Only these books can speak
But we have no time to listen
What perfect irony
To be trapped so long
Amidst these fading storytellers
And never hear them speak

You're my summer crush
Sweet romance
That never existed

The worst part of this
Is that I still wake up with a smile on my face and you in my heart
The worst part of this
Is remembering what you said
The worst part of this
Is feeling a little something die inside of me when I see you
The worst part of this
Is knowing you're not thinking about  me.
The worst part of this
Is watching myself fall apart for you
The worst part of this
Is that you think I'm okay, too
The worst part of this
Is that I am not okay

I used to love thunder
It made me feel small
Insignificant
But now it only reminds me
That I am insignificant
To you

I need your touch
Like a drowning man
Needs air

Darling,
I've been obsessed with drawing entwined hands to hold close the feeling your fingers left in the spaces between mine but somehow I can't ever get it right on paper because I used to hate holding hands like that until I fell in love with the curve of your cheek and the echo of your laughter and now any other way feels all wrong just like everything else that I once shared with you and I will never hold another hand the way you once held mine until the color of your eyes and the smell on your skin has faded from my memory but even I know that's a lie because you made me this way and now I can never go back to the way I was even to forget you but I'll pretend and I hope it's true because I want to forget the ache I felt whenever I saw you with her and I hope for my sake that day is not as distant as it seems now because you will never feel the burning in your chest that I get so often that sometimes I forget it's even there until late at night when I dream of you and can hide these tears no longer as you sleep safe and sound the way I always wanted you to in the wrong bed but I guess that's just the way love is and maybe one day you will remember me and realize that all along I was trying to tell you but I was never brave enough and now it is too late and I just wish I could have found the way to show you that all the stars could fall from the sky and I wouldn't notice because in my heart your smile shines brighter than the sun and all the fire in the world could never make me stop loving you and I hope one day as you lie in the dark before sleep takes you a fond memory of me comes to mind and you wonder what ever happened to me but that's a lie too because I only have enough hope left to hope you love me too someday.