It's stuck in my head,
Until it's gone,
When I can make endless complaints
Endless back stabs to match.
But till its gone, it is there.
After it's been there and gone,
It is there again.
Every night of everyday
And also in random hours of my days.
I see the old, then I see the new.
It seems my world has turned black and blue.
My heart beats faster
And my eyes: they cry.
I feel I am mourning a loss;
Of someone never born to be able to die.
It's the cases like this
That are always the worst.
You think you've found someone,
When they're not there at all.
So many good times
Have all gone down the drain,
Because everyone's a faker.
Don't you know I hate liars?
You liar, you deceitful and manipulative ****!
You *****!
I hate you,
I hate you,
And then I hate you even more.
What you have done made me fall to the floor.
I don't know how I can get through this,
Because last time I could just hate,
Which still I am doing.
You make that more difficult.
Because when all the memories
Come back again,
I don't want to believe that was you,
Surely it can't be true?
But I know too well
To be fooled more than once,
Not that there's a way you would make it twice,
Because you hate me too.
It's all because of you.
And her
And the other.
All "best friends" do
Is end up having to stab each other.
You see I am missing,
Someone nonexistent.
I knew it was too good to be true,
But that won't stop me bleeding.
I wish the 'you' I was friends with
Was actually real.
Instead I just feel messed over,
All over again.
I don't want to picture,
Not anymore,
Of what's flashing through my head.
The so many too good times.
They've been damaged again.
I trusted you
As I trusted them all,
Because you have to trust to do anything at all.
Again and again trusting proved to be devastating,
Because there is no one who actually
Has your back.
So no I don't want to picture,
I don't want another picture game.
When I'm talking about you in rants,
The devil is your name.
When I'm speaking I do not have to be sad,
It's only the times that I get to think on my own,
When I feel even more torn down.
When I see you walking around,
I wish you were not.
Do you know not what exactly you all have caused?
I can hear you all talking,
Just like we all used to do,
Then the thousands of memories
Come flooding in once again.
And until I convince myself to dry up my emotions,
I watch the dry river banks
Become diluted without letting the rain fall.
Because my tears;
You never deserved them at all.
I don't want to picture what you may think of me.
If you hate me then go on,
You can resent me as much as you can.
But maybe you'd like to know:
I stood up for you.
Even though it was proved to be true.
I didn't believe it at first,
Because it was you.
How dare you!
If you think I didn't know reasons to take sides,
Didn't you think I would defend you as I did her?
Well I ******* tried!
And if roles were reversed then I would've taken yours,
As it wasn't out of favouritism as it stood,
But because you were so unbelievable
That nothing could be done.
No friendship was saved.
Being civilised?
Well I just try to ignore your name.

If I could lock this all up in a bottle
Fill it with stones, I'd throw it into the water
And watch it as it drowns
All my sorrows, all the pain
Along with the disasters and too many betrayals;
From those that I loved most,
Or so I thought,
But it turned out they weren't themselves at all.
It doesn't sting it just tears
Everything completely apart.
As for the last, I had already learned why not to trust
But still you have to trust someone even though you know not,
Because that's just the way that the world has to turn.
You still believe a few,
However you believed them all when they were false.
But you have to put faith somewhere so you do,
Yet you're still terrified these as well aren't true.
If only it were a foolish boy
Then life would live on and it wouldn't matter,
Because anyway it's to be expected:
That guys will break girls hearts.
No, if only, but no
Instead they're your best friends.
Except they're not,
Everyone's just fake now.
There's no realists anymore.
If I could wash away the deceitfulness they gave,
Maybe someway a wound could heal.
But it can't 'cause it's too deep
And infected with grief of those you thought existed;
Instead everyone is just misleading and manipulative.
The worst thing because you could never see it coming,
Until it crushes you to near death.
Betrayal at its best.
Fakers at their worse depth to the innocent.  
There is never an end
Just torture.

I'm stressed inside and out.
Annoying thoughts are swirling around.
I can't even tell them to go away.
I have to face them the next day.
I have to get myself through it,
Do all my homework the best I can.
Yes this sounds stupid.
It's only about homework.
But you couldn't realise,
How it stresses me inside.
Along with all of this.
You are there.
In my head.
On my mind when I breathe in fresh air.
I know that I can't hide.
I saw you today,
I saw you last week.
I talk to you too.
But so far I feel blue.
I guess I get jealous.
I know that I do.
This reality is nothing I can do.
I want you so bad,
But you don't feel the same.
I know it,
You've told me,
And I can't make that change.
None of this though,
Will pry me away.
Because you forever,
In my heart you will stay.

Blood means nothing once it's faded away,
Or maybe it never had the chance to stay.
Genetics don't mean a thing,
When you've never had the chance to know.
Blood means nothing,
Because you don't care so now I don't care.
If one day you decide to care,
Well then you've lost your chance.
You can see the blood smeared on the walls.
They mean nothing at all.
Our blood has now changed.
Goodbye to a never known "man."

You're not going to let it win
You are not going to let it destroy you
You are going to find control
You're going to accomplish what you plan
It's going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to your successes
You are going to do this
You are going to get through this

I'm not going to let it win
I am not going to let it destroy me
I am going to find control
I'm going to accomplish what I plan
It's going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to my successes
I am going to do this
I am going to get through this

I'm not going to let MDD win
I am not going to let MDD destroy me
I am going to take its control
I'm not going to let MDD stop me from accomplishing what I have planned
My MDD is going to be left as a ship wreck
And be compared to my achieved successes
I am going to do this and beat MDD
I am going to get through MDD's disturbances

And I will not let it prevent me from living

I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

It pushes me around
Kills my hopes and dreams
And contributes to my wish of never being born
But maybe I can try
If I put my head into a good perspective
To gain the control
Back into my life

Why should we have to suffer?

Thank you so much.
You helped me,
You saved me before it was too late.
I was losing the plot;
Thought I was a psychopath,
When all I've ever wanted was to prove my normality.

You saved me.
Just in time because I was losing my wits.
You saw me struggle and you helped me.
You showed me the way.

I can't thank you enough.
With the whole world against me,
It was proving what I've always known was wrong.
But then you showed me that I was right.
That I am okay and not to worry.
The relief felt like you gave me an uplifting hug,
Even though I never saw you there.

Stuff may happen but I don't understand.
I don't know why they talk to me,
I don't know why I'm here.
I'd rather cease to exist
Because then I won't be spoken to.
When people open their mouths to me
I wonder what they are doing.
Can't they tell I'm basically incompetent,
At conversing as they do?

And I want to love my mother.
Most of the time I'm sure I do,
But I'm not sure how to anymore.
That's what happens when you give but don't receive.
I want to flourish socially,
At least enough so I can manage to achieve something,
But it's getting harder it seems.
Sometimes I feel I can't be bothered
With just anything.
I feel kind of surreal,
Like things are happening but I'm not very there.
Sometimes I want my daydreams to all just go away,
But whilst I say that I am begging them to stay.
It makes me almost wish they could just give me antipsychotics,
And that they would help everything wrong with me that no one understands.
Even what seems expected to be understood,
It seems like no one does.
Once again, there's another way
Of how I am an outcast
Way more than once and for always.

I feel as if I am trapped in this box,
Where everyone else has put me
But I know I don’t belong.

Suffocated - they make me feel it,
I can’t stand existing inside this bubble:
The walls are thick, there’s no way out,
It’s the home of the unfound,
Where they put people like me who they can’t make sense of,
Patients they can’t diagnose unless it’s with the term “functional.”
I know there are others,
But I feel so alone,
Isolated from being understood
By the only people who are able to help me.

They won’t help me,
I try to fight back, I try to scream
Either no one hears me, or they take it as a mark of insanity.

It’s hard to speak up,
When you know the process all too well,
You walk in, they repeat things that hurt you (psychosomatic), and then you walk out,
Though you don’t know how,
Because inside you’re torn down again,
Answers aren’t found and each time is worse,
You’re still struggling but they insist
That you’re as healthy as you’ve ever been,
So once again you’ve been missed,
By professionals trained to catch out illness.

Every time your reality trips you down again,
You repeat the words they told you:
“You’re fine,”
You tell yourself you can do it
-But not out of encouragement,
Instead of disdain, because when no one acknowledges you
Why should you not question yourself?
We are taught from a young age these are the people you should depend on and treat with respect,
So even when they toss you aside:
Remember to say “thank you” and walk out with a smile,
Seeing as they believe that you really are wasting their time.

This is what nightmares are made of,
Except when you’re both asleep and awake
It’s always still there.
It’s hard enough passing each day this way,
But without an ounce of recognition,
I wonder why I should even stay.

I don’t want to do this anymore,
But still I have to knock on doors,
Basically asking people to reject what I live,
Constantly trying to prove that I’m sick,
To countless people who don’t give a ****.
It’s already too much effort existing like this,
Yet I have to get out of my bed to prove it,
Even though each time they write an essay about me being fine,
Or maybe a few words because I’m such a waste of time.
I face what I fear everyday because my health’s at fault,
Yet they say it’s not really at all.
It’s been a year and they still have the audacity to tell me,
It’s because I’m not coping mentally.

Maybe I am a mess psychologically,
But I want you to know, it’s only because of them.
I would be stable, I’d be perfectly fine,
If they didn’t keep coming around telling me my efforts are wasted,
That I just can’t deal with my mind no matter how much I already put in,
So clearly I will just never be fixed.
It’s what they’ve told me though, it’s all of their responses and words,
That made me question my sanity,
That dredge up all of my anger for them,
Because not one bit of acknowledgement did they spread.

So here I lay,
Stuck in this box where no one can see me,
I can’t fix myself because - it wasn’t my state of mind that was broken.
I’ve been here for four-hundred-and-seventeen days,
Where I try to imagine a future where I’ll be safe,
But the trauma of looking for a diagnosis I know will stay,
Because they told me it was only caused my trauma in the first place,
But the only kind I’ve experienced
Is the kind they inflicted whilst I was already suffering.

It's just so hard to keep existing
Can't keep the walls up,
Because it's hard to do that alone,
And everyone can see
That I'll always be stuck on the outside,
From being too quiet
And too alone.

I know I have to stay,
But I really want to go.
How I "manage" is by finding ways
Of waiting till it's over.
I know I'll have to be trapped in a room,
Full of many others.
Everyone expects me to talk,
Without thinking I will only be distraught.

I don't feel people looking at me,
Unlike I've heard people say,
Instead I just get this harsh feeling of dread
That I can't be there any longer.
My insides feel torn,
Because I just have this feeling I can't explain to you.
All I can say is that I could never feel worse.
I want to escape but this is my curse.

I'd love to be able to talk to you guys,
But I'm afraid I feel I am breaking inside.
So just don't talk to me
And don't look close either,
And if I'm staring into space,
Then I don't want to be here.

If I'm supposed to be social:
Then I don't know what to say,
My heart will feel like it's floating away.
Heart palpitations are not what I seek,
Although I still happen to get them most weeks.
It's hard enough,
To wake up and think:
Today I have to get up
And surround myself with too many people and lost dreams.

I want to be social.
I would wish for it,
And sometimes I do,
But it doesn't seem like it will ever come true.
My longed for ambitions shall never be complete,
For they require social abilities
Which I cannot meet.
When I manage the simplest things,
That no one else has to think about,
I am just completely amazed at myself;
Like someone saying hello to me,
The fact that it happens
And responding back,
However after that one encounter,
I feel as though it's drained me,
Because I had just interacted
With another human being.

I don't want to need you anymore,
Sick and tired of you not being there.
It's not my problem anymore.
It's my fault, it's my stupid brain.
I have to imagine things to make me happy,
I get too **** caught up in them.
Well not now and not anymore,
Because I've changed my mind.
I'm not gonna depend on things anymore.
I've always thought I'd never need anyone,
Yet I imagine myself with people.
I don't have them and them I don't want.
I want myself and that's enough.
I'm going to live my life.
Take what is mine and maybe one day I will leave you behind.
Maybe one day I won't like you at all.
It's all good for me,
You're not pleasing, you see.
But if you ever change your mind.
I guess part of me will still be waiting,
However I can't afford to wait behind.
So for those feelings it is goodbye.
Hopefully I'll know what it's like to just friendly like you.

I believe there are angels here.
They're all around us.
They're watching and caring.
Even if they're not interfering.

I believe that they are waiting.
Willing to help us.
If we need saving.

I believe that if we call.
An angels will soon answer.
They won't let us fall.
Instead they catch us.

I believe we can contact our angels.
By thoughts or speaking.
Then we might see, hear or feel them.

I believe we are never alone.
They can ease off on us,
But never go too far away.
They're loving us every day.

Who is this young girl,
Thinking she has the right to be in my office?
I pretend to be nice,
I do all the tests,
After all, I can’t risk her suing for neglect.

I comfort her, by telling her it’s stress,
Indeed yes, this is all in her head.
I let her tell me all of her symptoms,
She must be a hypochondriac because how else would she have come up with all of that?
Nevertheless, so she can’t say I haven’t done my job,
I send her for an MRI and EEG,
I also use my favourite words:
I tell her it’s nothing sinister.

I can’t believe she’s wasting my time,
She has anxiety, her brain is all fine!
Now that I’ve ridden her off of my list,
I can move onto to patients, who are actually sick.
She walks in looking young and healthy,
Does she really expect me to believe her?
She’s too young to be sick, and all her tests say are that she needs a psychiatrist, not a neurologist.
I give the advice I’ve learnt from my medical degree, “just get on with life and do whatever you were doing. Go to university, you’ll be just fine! You can’t keep relying on your family forever.”
Poor them, they must be really fed up of her,
She’s just too lazy to make her own food, to get out of bed, to go alone to the toilet unaided.
Yeah, she can still go to university, it’s not like she needs 24/7 care in case she falls down the stairs!

I tell her she doesn’t need those crutches that she uses,
I tell her she’s wrong about social anxiety, although she says it’s much better and I’ve only known her five minutes,
She’s just stressed, her diagnosis is functional.

Six months later her MRI and EEG are normal,
But I already knew it would be,
I advise her doctor to sort her out with a psychiatrist, even though she’s already seen one because I don’t get paid to actually listen to people.
A year later and she’s trying to get another neurologist appointment?
We can’t be having that, let’s make her referral disappear!
She’s told an ophthalmologist she’s having temporary loss of vision, flashes of light?
Who even cares? It’s just in her mind.
She’s chased up how her urgent referral hasn’t be fulfilled in a month,
I guess I’ll have to write her doctor a letter then,
I’ll say it’s just migraine auras because when I saw her she was fine.
She’s only pretending to be disabled,
After all it’s functional so she must be pretty messed up inside.

I’m a doctor so people know I’m smart,
So I get good money,
I don’t need to actually believe my patients and look for things that are not obvious to see.
I’ll make sure she feels like she’s going crazy and will never be helped or believed.

I just can’t do it,
Please don’t make me,
I don’t want to see it everywhere -
All the things I should be doing, everything I thought I’d be,
I want to lock myself up somewhere else,
Even if the light won’t get to me.

Don’t come close,
No, I told you so!
It’s dangerous here, maybe even deadly,
No matter whoever for it can’t be a good thing,
I don’t know if I think you’ll hurt me,
But please just stay away
I need to manage myself but you’re taking that away,
Not that I ever had it,
It seems I keep slipping,
Further, further, gone.

It’s okay now, it’s the end,
I’m done and
Won’t be coming back again.

You’ll see how much less misery,
You’ll have away from me.

This is over,
I’m sure I really give up this time,
This is me actually giving it up,
Goodbye.

Too many ******* insecurities,
And where there's insecurities,
There is never any safety.

If it hurts it's not the end,
Apparently,
So if it's not the end it's the beginning.
Bam!
The start of eternity.

Some violent thoughts,
And just no words,
Or too many words with no thoughts.
There should be this and that,
More like nothing you'll ever get,
Oh yeah and more nothing of that.

These words will soon drift,
But they won't fit through the sieve.
Mind you,
There's not much for you to chew,
Because this **** likes to vanish,
From the eyes of those who might care.

In a world of too many stares,
I don't think anyone really cares,
Unless it's about themselves.
We all worry about what others perceive,
Blind to the fact we all think the same thing,
So really are people judging us,
Or just judging themselves through those in the way?

Greedy eyes,
Hungry for the unknown prize,
It's too bad that nobody will win.
It's the game of life and risk combined,
The world is our board,
And we are the character pieces.
No more, no less.
Too much more.
Too much less.

Don't let go!
Even if it hurts,
I want you to stay!
I can't breathe without you're touch.
I don't want you to go again.

I know this may be hard,
But we can pick up the broken -pieces.
We can find a way,
To put them back together again.

I don't want to be without you!
I don't want to see your smile fade!
Please come back here,
Because I'm scared the distance will - tear you away!

All I ask is that you stay!
We can sort this whole mess out,
There's no need for you to go!
Can't you tell that I still want you?

I won't give up on this,
Because it's so important that you -stay.
Don't just run off!
You need to come back here straight - away!