Let me draw you a picture.
One that tells the truth.
I won't try to make it beautiful.
I'll just make it so it's true.

You see there is a world today,
I guess with not much use.
We have plenty opportunities.
We have time without the effort.

We have some wealthy countries.
Yeah, that sounds really good.
You go on and see others with middle income.
Well that's not too bad!
Wait a Minute though.
You go on to realise ones without enough.

Not all countries have enough money.
Not all countries have enough food.
Not all have clean water.
Not all have reliable health care.
Not all have our other priorities.

Now get your head together.
It isn't that hard to see,
What is going wrong here.
The solution sounds easy.

There's many developed countries.
This is very good.
But why are some struggling,
While other ones are thriving?
Surely it should be equal.
If there's enough money in the world,
Why not just spread it round.
If everyone could just think,
Then the solution could be found.
I don't mean just found.
I'm sure people already know.
What we really need to do,
Is to imply it.
Then we can grow.

Can you see this picture clearer?
I've drawn it now,
It's done.
What comes into your mind?
A mess?
Black scribbles everywhere.
From here the world seems great.
I am thankful for that.
But why should other places not be?

Our parents, our families.
They teach us how to share.
Not only that,
But they teach us how to care.
Where did this go wrong then?
Stand with your eyes open.
Don't be tricked to only see the good bits.
You can also see the parts that are broken.

Why don't we get together.
Show the world what we're made of.
Show others that we all have a heart.
That's what is broken can be mended.
If we were to work together.
Not just as countries,
But as people of the earth.
We could all live in comforts.
A home to live and breathe in.
We wouldn't be alone,
Because everyone could have someone.
Now do you see?
This is the real picture of out Earth.

The stars will always shine.
They'll keep shining relentlessly.
You shouldn't ever forget that,
Because in hard times there are little things.
These little things we learn to hold onto.
They can help keep us from falling apart.
Take the stars for example;
They'll still always be there
And they won't ever give up.
You should make the same efforts.
To make everyday be lived and loved,
And also to not ever
Give up.

I’m feeling this way,
I don’t yet know how to escape
Yet I know it will evade at some point,
I’ve been drifting in and out,
Without much sound,
For maybe a year now, maybe only a second.
Should I think it’s an overstatement?
Is that what I’ve been lead to know?
Or is it just my mind bringing false accusations to surface?
Could it be because people want to doubt me,
Or because I assume if it’s happened to me it’s just a little bit, it’s only small; it doesn’t matter,
Not at all.

Three years? Four or five? Maybe none,
It’s not real, this doesn’t count.
Anxiety. It’s anxiety they said.
We’ll give you these pills,
Because you’re complaining about something else,
But we won’t acknowledge that.
You feel terrible, but we’ll say we’re treating the thing that you’ve put in some sort of remission.
Listen, listen. Why do they never listen?

It’s not that bad. How do I word it?
I could say I feel dead, but not really,
It’s been worse before,
So I don’t feel like I can use that description anymore.
It will go away soon,
I should be happy.
Actually, should I? I should feel tragic.
I do but I feel good sometimes too.
Why am I trying? No one who sees this will understand.
How about, it’s this:
I want to do something but I don’t feel like anything.
I don’t feel good but it’s not anxiety -
it’s been trickling in, but not this time, it’s not just that.
Maybe my emotions have just gone underground today,
Maybe it thought it would match to how I’m physically feeling.
I woke up so exhausted, I told someone I’m sick,
Still sick,
And they said being tired doesn’t make you sick,
But this isn’t normal tiredness,
This isn’t feeling down so your body can’t be bothered either,
This is one way of what it can feel like
When your body’s done with you,
And mines been done a long time,
But never long enough to care,
And in a decade it still won’t be time,
But I guess I should be content because
It’s only been five-hundred-and-thirty-two days.

I know no one will believe me, but maybe that’s okay,
For now,
After all, I can’t say any of these things out loud.
Like monsters, they would all surround me, laughing maliciously,
Thinking they were right,
They’re not, but how much longer do I have to put up a fight?
No one can know if I feel stressed or upset,
Not sad because then their army will have ammunition,
Meanwhile I have nothing.
Nothing, give me something,
But actually no, maybe I can’t take anymore false hope,
Because everyone, all of them, have ******* me over,
Time and time again.
They think I’m stressed, I’m not ill,
So if I say I’m starting to become stressed, unhappy, not good...
Well I don’t know what will happen,
They’ve already destroyed every single part of me.
I don’t want to give them more reasons to disbelieve my honesty.

Please don't hurt me.
I've only just recovered,
from the very last time.
I may keep trying to forgive you,
but the memory won't go.
I still remember how you made me fear.
I don't want to feel that pain again.
It's that part of you I can't bare.
You seem to take my heart right out,
which brings all the pain.
But then you come right back,
and put it back again.
But then you don't just take it.
I've just got my heart back from you.
So what else can you do now?
You stab at my heart again.
Once is not enough.
You keep coming back for more.
You've stabbed me a thousand times,
but you're still at my door,
asking for one more.
But what if it's like last time?
Because I can't take another stab.
This one is the last.
The next time you come back,
I'm lying dead on the floor,
bleeding from my heart.
I couldn't live with you stabbing it anymore.

Who said I'm fine?
Well who said I'm not?
I've said neither.
Not in plain words.
I said I'm okay,
That there's nothing to say.
I simply said that one word.

What would you say?
What would you do?
Oh, if only you knew.
You don't know.
You still won't.
It's not my choice to keep it from you.

There's nothing I can say.
Not today,
Not tomorrow.
Maybe if there were some other way.
But there's not.
There isn't and there won't be.
I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'm not.

You asked how I was.
I did reply.
I had to be kind,
Anyway why wouldn't i?
I told you one word.
"Okay."
I'm always okay.
You asked and I said.
Okay doesn't always mean the same.

I said okay.
You might've thought it meant fine.
But maybe I am far from it.
Too bad I'm not then.
Maybe I had you worried then.
All it is that I can't explain.
Keep asking.
Go on,
I'll keep answering.
Be aware you might only get one word.
One word,
That's that word.
How else could I put it,
When there is no other way?

I'd love to tell you.
That's the fact,
I really would.
Believe me I don't like keeping from you.
I would tell you simply.
Right now,
Maybe today.
But actually I don't think I would.
I like to wait.
Figure stuff out.
Often stop you worrying as long as I can.
I don't know why.
You shouldn't ask why.
They are all very trivial.
Being all very small.
None of them problems at all.

It's all rather too bad.
Too bad I don't know.
Just a tad.
If I don't know then I can't tell you.
As much as I think.
No matter how much,
I still do not know.
So there's no way that I could explain.
I guess you'll have to wait.
For someone else I guess.
Someone to tell you what's wrong with them.
Right now I can't tell a soul.
Before I tell you.
I need to tell myself.
Which I can't,
because I don't know.

I seek stability in
Almost
Everything,
But I’m sorry,
I can’t offer you what
I ask you to give,
What we both need:
I don’t have a thing

What anyone I could find
Deserves
Is anything, anything other than me,
I guess I’m too broken,
To provide the things I need
For either of us
I know my best won’t be good enough.

Keep out, make sure
You aren’t even close
I’ll ruin everyone not only
Myself,
My limits have been broken since
I realised I wanted so much

In the end,
You would be
Better
Off dead than
Dead with me.

If I can't do anything then what's the point.
I don't understand why I can't just give up now.
I don't want to be here.
But I don't really not want to be here.
But I just feel so done.
Can't I sit here alone and never be bothered again.
Although it's not what I say,
I know what I want.
I want to enjoy this good life I have.
Get good grades and good times with friends.
I already do so why can't I just follow suit.
But instead I feel like I don't have a clue.
I'm trying to think back to where things went wrong.
But it's like looking across a dessert in hope of finding the sea.

I can feel your hold on me
You grasping me so tight that;
I am too afraid to speak.
I submit to the thoughts of you,
Just you.
Because what else am I supposed to do?
You won't let go of me so neither of us are leaving.
Always I am repeating this
Except that you know deep down:
I never mean it.

I yearn to give you everything
That they do not give you,
I want to give you rest and comfort,
As I help you pull through.
If you need taking care of,
I'd promise I'd be there -
But you're so far away,
I feel like I'm not there.

Miles may separate us,
But in my heart I hold you close,
And if I had the chance,
I'd never let you go.

I spend parts of my days,
Planning out ways,
Of how to get you back.
I know you wouldn't mind it much,
But there's always obstacles in attack.

I think you are okay, or at least on the surface,
I have to make myself trust
That you are happy in that family,
That I've been taken out of.

Knowing from experience though,
It will probably hurt one day,
Or at least for the oldest of you.
And I will wrap you up warm
And try to empathise,
Never the less, I will try my best
To bandage it all up and make it the most it can be.

And if you wanted, I'd hide you away and bring you everything you need.
For me general daily things are hard, if socialisation's involved,
But I'd try my best for you,
Because that's what you're supposed to do
For the people that you love, for family.

Lately I've felt that they're stealing you all,
That they're cutting me out.
Our mother only wants me on her terms,
And that's not how it should be;
I would walk over mountains for you, you see.
I can't come to you, but I have tried getting you to me.

Still, I worry that one day,
You'll think I gave up,
You'll think that I left you
And nothing could ever make that true.
I will always try to do what's right by you.

I don't want you seeing the wreckage before you need to,
Before you can handle it.
I need to know you're safe, not sorry.
I'm starting to wonder here, if maybe I'm just being dramatic.
But this is some of the reason that I pretend or hide it,
With the act of being a somewhat good daughter,

Well really it's also because:
It's hard not to do the job when you're with her,
Almost as if it pulls something from me;
Like it's my fault for not having what I want,
And if I'm good in that moment I'll have it.
Except it,
Never comes.

I miss you four,
And I'll always love you more.

No matter how loud I have the music blaring,
It doesn't work.
I'm not at all aggressive,
Yet I have so many thoughts.
I would never do anything,
But I feel like smashing their skull into thousands of tiny pieces.
And you don't need to worry,
There's only this one person who fills me with so much hatred.
They're the one and only exception.
I know it's not worth it,
You don't have to tell me a million more times.
Over two years and this is still all too much.
No matter where they are,
It is like they're still here.
It's as if they're etched into my brain,
So now I can't have normal thoughts.
I'm sick and tired of so many things,
That are just silently going on.

The books you keep.
They are all empty.
I went to your house.
I looked in your room.
These books I found,
I looked through the pages.
I was sure to find some ink,
Upon those pages.
I checked the pages.
I looked through them twice.
These books I could not read.
There was no text to ever be seen.
I then thought again,
It might just be a note book.
I looked around again.
More books I found.
These books must've been worded.
At least that's what I thought.
In fact I was so sure.
Before opening the cover,
I thought some more.
It looked like a reading book.
Just like a novel.
So did the last one.
They surely weren't note books.
So for this second time.
I looked at the first page.
It was blank,
But I thought that was okay.
Sometimes there's a few blanks.
This book still has a chance.
I gazed through the rest.
This astonished me.
Here too, there were no words.
There's no words there to comfort me.
While he was gone I continued my search.
I just wanted to find out,
That he had one proper book.
In the mess I was,
I tore down all the shelves.
Flipping fiercely through pages.
This time did not go well.
When he came back.
He saw me on the floor.
Books where spread everywhere.
His eyes went from them and up to me.  
He said, "what have you been doing?"
I said. "You only have empty books."
He nodded then he sighed.
"Why were you looking through them?"
Then I replied, "I wanted to find a book.
That book was empty,
So I checked them all."
His face went back down to the floor.
Empty books.
That's all I see.
"Why are they empty."
He said, "they aren't empty to me."

This isn't what you need.
I, am not what you need.
It's just I need to find a solution,
Ostensibly, I look for it in everyone.
Wherever I go, I make it up as I go along,
I imagine what could be true
In a fanciful and quixotic place.

I'm not trying to make you,
Or anyone else my personal conquest;
Or an object to fill my spiritual journey,
I am not intending to lose you after finding myself.
And I'm sorry,
In case any of these things have,
Or will, come true.

I know I won't get as angry I want to be,
And I'll regret me,
Because I'm never able to do it;
She always changes something,
Somehow it always gets better for her,
But it just gets worse for me.
I just become more guilty,
Even only by listening.

I feel like I can never really express my feelings,
Yet I still seem to do it too much,
Then I still fall.
So many things are happening,
This always repeats;
It has horrible timing.
If ignorance is a good thing,
Why is it so hard to actually
Keep it?

And I keep picturing loads of the same things.
When I'm not sure what I feel,
Maybe I hide from it.
I peak and when I see
I can no longer believe
So I just wait to weep.
I've no clue what to say,
Without any more delay,
I'll race through the page,
Give it all a way
In factual content:
I'll probably seem fine.
But it's not that way at all.

I wish it was raining,
And then maybe my confusion wouldn't be falling out of the windows.
"Be normal"
That's what I tell myself.
"Be normal"
But that doesn't help.
At least if this were a disease,
I could find a cure.
One that would make me more normal.

Maybe I should just forget her,
After all I've been feeling better
When it comes to her,
I've been managing to think of her without complete hatred,
Why should I have to go backwards?

If I forget it all,
Then the things she did might not be here anymore,
I won't have a reason to get upset,
Luckily I know I won't ever see her face again.

I guess some people are just too amazing to live what’s considered a full life.
Maybe even God gets too jealous to handle the truth.
It cannot be denied that some people who were taken,
Shouldn't have been taken away.

Some people get stolen right away from us.
Leaving us feeling like they've literally been torn from our grasp.
Without them we’re a glass half empty.
We don’t want to say half full because it’s not at all happy.

I am so much
Better
Than you would have me believe,
And each time you do this
I stand taller than you think I can

But I am exhausted
Of being stronger than they all believe,
When it doesn’t get me anywhere.
Anger is starting to quell and fill up my head along with the misery,
I don’t see the point of stopping it.
They give me no reason to conquer anything.

You have no idea
What all of this amounts to,
It actually makes me feel a bit hysterical
About how many things are wrong with this,
How many thoughts and feelings have been conjured from the impact;
The impact,
That you, of course, deny is even happening.

Maybe one day this will all just end,
At least a thousand years from now I must definitely be dead
And then it will be over.
If only I could wake up one day
And pretend this isn’t happening,
And eventually it could actually be convincing.
Maybe there won’t be so many
Emotions
Filling my head like a poison to myself and others and
It could all just be
Gone.
And it never would have happened.

Even if I could get over it,
And pretend it hasn’t changed me,
Pretend it hasn’t caused an ounce of impact:
That would be too much like what you’ve been wanting.
So whatever I do it hurts me
With acceptance or denial
When I can never
Never
Deny any of it.
But you do.
And I’m the last person to go around blaming people,
But oh Hell and Heaven do you tempt me.

I don’t want to have to think about this everyday,
I’m sure it will always be there though
And I wish I wouldn’t have to worry about this,
But every reaction you make causes more damage
And you’re not even slightly important,
It must be good there’s hardly anyone else
Who is actually in my life,
To risk having a similar reaction.

Everywhere they all say,
That’s the thing, all you have to do
Is not to care and then it can’t hurt you.
I must agree I’ve said that too sometimes,
But I don’t care for them at all
I don’t really care what they think
But it won’t ease the tension or aggravation that’s building up inside of me.

Isn't it okay God,
if I get a little lost
on my way to you?
Isn't it okay God,
if sometimes I don't know what to do?
If I get a bit lost and scared God,
will you send an angel to guide me through?
Isn't it true God,
that you're all of our heavenly fathers?
Because God, you're the only one I've got.
God, if I fall down,
if I am hurt,
will you help me up and comfort me?
God, if I don't think I have anyone,
will you be the one I can still see?
God, not everyone I thought was supposed to,
actually stayed with me,
so will you always be the one who will be?
God, even if I can't sleep,
will you still watch over and protect me?
And even if I have bad moments,
God, will you still love me?

I recite the thoughts I pray,
I do so everyday,
Just because I like to think
The others will go away.

I thank the Lord for being healthy,
For my body being capable,
I'm pleased that my system's stable.

This is so the fever of my mind,
Won't persist through till mornings light.

I guess it works every time.
You see I might have caught a glimpse,
Of this girl who was called Mia,
She didn't stay too long though;
They said she was sickness,
And I had to be better.

But sometimes I hear her calling,
Most of the time she's silent,
Although she kindly likes to visit.
She likes to play this game
Of thoughts,
But I know that I'm winning.
She wants me to join her team,
Apparently I can't make up my mind,
Or at least that's as it seems.

I thank the Lord for my good health,
And it's bad to contradict,
When I recite my blessings I remember,
This means I cannot make myself sick.

So next time Mia joins me,
For just a little bit,
I remind her of what I know is right,
Even if she doesn't like it.
I tell myself to remain my state of mind:
That I can't go back there
Not just 'one more time'.

Have you seen this girl called Mia?
If you do, please walk away.
I know that she will beg you,
Tell you she wants to stay.
After a while, you'll have taken the time to see,
That this girl called Mia,
Is not actually all that pretty.

We strive for perfection
but it's a goal we can't reach
Because we only see imperfection
Or at least in ourselves

Convalescence,
How are you?
Better,
But I've been saying it
Since the beginning.
Are the whispers inside true,
That maybe I can finally start to believe it?

What did it take,
Some may innocently wonder.
Patience.
With every single breath I make.
I've been half trying to ignore the improvement,
Fearing one moments notice will
Surely steal it all back.
"No," I whisper alone, "I want to be better."

The other half
Astonished,
I try to be proud for the little things now,
So really I should feel
Amazing.

I swear I do very much venerate all of my achievements,
It was the only way,
That I could continue to survive.

Unequivocally honestly,
I'm afraid.
Scared of it all going wrong again.
Waiting to feel the terror of all the endless times I've tried,
Getting thrown right back in my face again.
Because isn't that what's been destined to happen
From the very start?

I've been having an almost
Two month long rest,
A complete break of everything.
It was only meant to last a month, but after that month had been and gone,
It started to actually feel
A little better, brighter,
Less dark.

I'll admit it,
I'm guilty,
Guilty of getting comfortable with how it started to feel.
I didn't want it ripped away from me,
Please.
I know once it's gone it will be hard as Hell to get back,
I've already been through all that,
I am still.

I want to get back to pushing myself.
(Like this)
I never wanted to stop,
But I had to listen,
My body was screaming at me, for me
To stop.
And this evidence is telling me why I had to listen.
It seems you can't beat your body,
Ever, but especially not when it's fighting for you and against you.

And the symptoms yelled
Please stop, please be still,
Like they wanted me to sleep all day,
But still it will take half-a-year for there to be any difference.
But I waited.
I didn't get any choices.

So now, I'm sorry
It just terrifies me that trying,
When I finally let it be,
Might tear me back down, to where I used to be.
I'm not foolish enough to expect this is the end.
Surely when I try again my symptoms will join in too.
They only started to improve
The more I tried to rest.
Yes, eventually - After a lot of effort I got here,
But you have no idea how I tried.
How I limited my actions,
So in a month maybe it won't be so hard.
Now I'm here, I'm worried my efforts will send me back.
Wasted.
Don't make me go,
I don't want to be useless anymore,
I'm still bad but so much better,
Please don't
Stop me,
Hurt me,
Trip me,
Trap me,
Lose me to my own body.
Not anymore.
I'm still here
Fighting.

He's not there and he never was.
I already realised but I'm realising again.
Now it's making it like he's really not here,
But he never was.
And it hurts.
But it shouldn't,
Because none of this was real.
Because it's not real.
I don't feel I can go there.
But not going there,
Leaves me with nowhere to go.
And no one even though I have many.

I don't feel like I can,
What's the use?
They all want me to admit I'm broken,
So I keep refusing.
The few times I believe I'm suffering I can't admit,
Because they'll see it as proving them right,
And I need them to understand they've got it all wrong.
I want them to hurt like they've hurt me by their dismissal.
I don't want to see another psychiatrist I just want them to leave me alone,
It's not like they're ever going to help me.
Then there are times I know I just need to keep pushing,
To keep trying to find someone who will believe me,
Someone who won't just say it's because of my anxiety,
Except then my social anxiety comes back,
Because they keep proving to me that there's no way they'll think I'm not just mental.
And maybe sometimes they actually think they're being nice,
But seriously? Are they blind? They would never put up with that themselves.
They push me to my limit,
If it's evident I'm going insane then they should know,
That it's all because of them!
It would drive any emotionally/mentally stable person close to the edge,
But then by wandering over to it, they're proving themselves right,
And I don't want to help them.
They're not helping me.

I just want someone to hear what I'm saying,
And not immediately see "social anxiety"
After all, their labels of "needing psychiatric help" were never there when I needed them,
And I took it like the deepest stab back then,
And now, instead I can't push them away when I don't need them,
I can't escape the "should probably see a psychiatrist", "would probably benefit from counselling" and "symptoms are dissociative and functional"
I can't run fast enough from it -
God knows I can't even run at all,
But professionals tell me that "I can do it" as if I'm making it up,
Or should just try harder.
Do you really think I don't want to be capable of feeding myself food and drink?
At points I could try a thousand percent a thousand times to pick myself up from the floor again,
Will power doesn't work!
It doesn't get rid of physical barriers that everyone else is telling me are some result of trauma, stress or anxiety.

I feel like I've been beaten down so many times already,
I want to find out the truth but I'm too scared of being laughed at,
But I got over that fear that my social anxiety taught me when I first sought help,
I've tried so many times though,
And each time I've guessed the same negative outcome.
It's as if someone really is planning and plotting against me,
Will they not stop till they've gotten me admitted to somewhere I don't belong right now?
Even my reactions would serve as proof to them,
I must just be insane, completely deranged.
"Not normal"
Come on, I won't pretend to miss the meaning of that,
What they really meant was: that's not a mentally healthy person's reaction. Maybe she really is making it up.
The truth is you can't make stuff like this up!
You can't fake shaking the way I do,
Not even more than enough diazepam would cure it.

I know this doesn't help prove my sanity,
And this doubtfully sounds like anything poetic,
It's just I didn't feel like writing, and when I feel sad I can get angry,
I'm just trying to vent and tell the truth,
Because maybe one day, someone who feels as alone and disheartened as me,
Won't feel as bad as I feel.

It's really not glamorous,
And I don't know where I am finding the strength to share this from,
I need to get it out though,
And if anyone who needs to hear this, like me, to find out they are not really all alone reads this and finally feels a glimpse of safety,
Or even to open the eyes of people who wouldn't otherwise understand,
Then maybe this had a purpose.

And if anyone who ever reads this,
Happens to be a doctor,
Or mental health professional:
Please listen.
Please listen to your patients without judgements,
Without immediately linking physical symptoms that sound out of sorts, or that don't make sense, to what it says in their notes about their mental health.
The thing is a lot of people pick and choose what to listen to and when,
And in my experience it always seems to be the wrong choice at the wrong time.
If you have a patient who tells you they desperately need your help,
Or even the ones who are too afraid to ask but are despairingly trying to make you notice, to make you understand what they put up with day by day,
Please, please help them.
And don't you dare tell them, like one told me, to "throw away your crutches, I don't like you using them"
Because you are killing every shred of dignity that they are trying to cling onto.
All we want is to be taken seriously,
WE are trying to get better,
But are you really trying to help us?
You may think you are but perhaps you're probably not.
Please realise, that you're in such a respectful position that it's important how you handle what you say, your responses.
Please understand how you have the power to break vulnerable genuinely sick people.
Please believe people like me and listen when they say they don't think it's psychological.
Please listen.

Over periods of time you learn how to handle things
In the easiest way as not to feel hurt
So I may say I don't care
And it honestly won't bother me
But once it did
But the past is insignificant
Because it's gone
And we can't always look back on everything at once
So someone may care a lot
But it doesn't necessarily mean they always will
Feelings change
People change
And there's nothing you will ever be able to do about it

Don't hold back your feelings.
Don't hide your pain and tears.
I told you I want all of you,
And your lies are not you my dear.

Everyone has fears,
And you don't need to face them alone.
We can do this together,
If you just tell me what is wrong.

You're my source of comfort.
I want to be the same.
I want to show you real love,
Maybe you can feel okay again.

If I wrap my arms around you,
Would you want them there?
Would you break away the passion,
Or ignite our eternal flame right here?

What else could we do
except watch the world around us?
How could we voice thoughts we do not know?
And Sometimes we just can't cope,
Yet we can't bring ourselves to admission.
So we fixate on what can never be real,
Because it stops and seals us from realisation.
We derealised from the world we're supposed to know,
Instead we escape to where we can never go.