Nothing I say comes out right,
I cant love without a fight.
No one ever knows my name,
When I pray for sun it rains.

Im so sick of wasting time,
When nothings moving in my mind.
Inspirations cant be found,
I get up and I fall back down,
But
I'm alive

Every lover breaks my heart,
And I know it from the start.
Still I end up being a mess,
Everytime I second guess.
All my friends just run away,
When Im having a bad day.

Id rather stay in bed
But
I know theres a reason*  
*Im alive

I got a small taste of what it's like to live with you.
Not much I know but hey, it was great while it lasted right?

Few brief days we shared as proof that love despite distance is true.
How many months have we been proving others wrong?

One day I think we'll be together indefinitely no matter what we do.
Oh how I can't wait for that day, will everything be perfect then?

*I truly believe

The way you hold me,
make me feel like never before.
I feel alive
I feel loved
Its something ive never expericened
Before you
and now that I
Have you
I never want to let you
Go
What we have here is something
Truly special
I wouldnt trade it for the world
Simply put
You
Are
My
World
And nothing and no one could replace
You

You ever have that moment where you feel so subhuman
One no longer knows what it means to have self-worth?
Ever find yourself so far from who you expected to be that
Looking in the mirror you dont see the person who stared you back this morning?

At what point do we acknowledge we have become this anti-us
That we became the monster we fought to never become?
Dont you just wish you could turn back time?
Take that one moment that so plagues your life away?

I will never live down the actions I took
To snap and turn on you believe me kills me inside
Not to imagine what it did and does to you...
I'm sorry will never be enough but id say it every hour of the day
Whatever I could to make it up to you...

What kind of boyfriend, betrays his partners trust in them but turning on them?
What kind of a kind human betrays his own words to become so cruel?
What kind of a gentleman allows himself to fall further than the puddle he do kindly lay on for the girl to walk over?

I have acknowledged where I went wrong
I cant fix that now or ever
I can only work to making sure it never happens ever again

*I wouldn't want to live doing such a thing ever again to someone so close to me...

I'm just me...
An expectation by royal decree,
Why should you ask for so much,
Knowing I could never please you as such?

Set the bar high
So I know my place
When you were wanting to die
I was left as nothing but a disgrace

Set the bar low
So I know your trust
When you were wanting to go
I was left to nothing but rust

Set the bar fair
So I know of chance
When you were wanting to be happy my dear
I was left as a puppet to dance

Set the bar high
So I know how it feels
When you were wanting to break down and cry
I was left alone as my heart reels

Set the bar low
So I know where to fall
When you were wanting answers I didnt know
I was left with nothing at all

Set the bar fair
So I know you love me
When you were wanting everything to be square
*I was left patiently waiting to see

There is no reversing it
You cannot take back
Whats said and done

There no bargaining with it
When your time is up
There is nothing you can do or say

Theres no taking back what was said
Anymore so than what wasnt
There is no taking back what one has done
No more so than what one forgot to

Just like my actions
I cannot take back these bruises on my thighs
Anymore so that I
Can take back the black around my eyes

Will things ever be the same?
Ironically
Only time will tell

Was I kept up last night by my thoughts
Did I pass out at 3am too tired to even live the nightmares in my head.
On anyother occasion idve been plagued by them, left defenceless and helpless
Id rather lie here awake and be a mess tomorrow than to awaken drenched in sweat unable to breathe a mess tomorrow either way.

No matter how much I tried I couldnt get you out of my head,
That image along with...
In any instance that cold lifeless body of yours becomes a reality
Id gladly lie beside you and take my own to be by your side

Love is,
Living eternally by your side
Dying by your side

All but that the images haunt me,
******* me to my core until im trembling and quivering my lip
Until I can identify as broken as I fall to my knees
It becomes too much for me and I find myself breaking down in tears
Oh how pathetic
Dealing is never a word I would use,
Yet how do you deal with the demon itself in your dreams?

[9:24am] - Hello?
[9:29am] - Are you there?
~ No Reply ~
[9:34am] - ...? Are you getting these?
[9:40am] - ...
Call 1
[9:44am] - Why wont you answer..?
Call 2
Call 3
~ No Answer ~
[9:52am] - I-I'm worried..I d-don't k-know what to t-t-think...
Call 4
[9:56am] - I l-love...y-y-you....w-was it s-s-something I did...?
Call 5
[10:02am] - ...p-please...p-pick up...
Call 6... She's not picking up...
Call 7... Why can't you see...
Call 8... *It's already too late...

The dark is a terribly scary thing
It keeps me awake at night, the sounds, hallucinations...
I cant stand the dark, it breaks me down and plays to my fears
There  IS  someone there, I  KNOW  it!

Open water imposes and intimidates
I fear boats and the ocean with its great expanse
The inability to swim is partly my problem, but even being able to wouldnt help me
I cant, I cant, I cant, I cant....I cant

There is nothing quite as loud as silence
Piercing, sharp and precise. It rings my ears, driving me mad
Night time gets me, the dark, the silence... It becomes too much
Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
We all want space, time to ourselves but I just cant
I crave social interaction and go into a panic state, the dark, silence, alone... Do you see the reason I dont sleep
Please stay with me...dont go...dont leave me alone....

Never being good enough, for yourself or others
As a human I fear rejection and disappointing other, becoming a failure
An overwhelming sense of guilt fills me when I cant live up to myself or others expectations
You still love me though...right? Im not a failure aye?

All of that means nothing

My greatest fear...is losing you...
The nightmares have plagued me in every which way
Sleepless nights spent in worry, the fact I know you hurt yourself sometimes never helps... I fear life without you, fear for how itll be
*Stop...please...dont go...Im sorry

You ask me, "what do you love most about me?"
I never seem to have a clear cut answer
It's always the little things like your laugh or smile
But that's not what you're after...you want...more
So, this is the answer my dear,

I love the way you look at me with those eyes, checking me from head to toe.
I love the way you whine softly when I look into your eyes and bite my lip nervously.
I love when I take your top off and we share the same breath.
I love the way your shy smile gives me butterflies and makes me feel special.
I love the way your body feels on mine, to hold you close and love you.
I love those soft embarrassed moans and the way your cheeks redden and light up.
I love the way you nervously bit your lip as you look at me shyly giggling.

You know, I know, we know...

You see darling
Aside from the little things
From your smile to your laugh
From your cute mannerisms to your personality
I simply don't know what I love most
About you
What I do know...
Is
I
Love
*You

On September 2nd, SparKticas posted the poem "16 Wishes"

As part of that poem, I wished I no longer had a reason to live...
...*I no longer have a reason

Nothing ever quite seems to get in my head,
I want to scream and constantly feel as if I'm brain dead.
I try to understand and help how I can,
Yet I end up feeling a pathetic excuse of your man.

There is nothing but hot air that resides up there,
A cloud of gas in my skull protected by hair.
I'm an idiot and am never of use,
I deserve to be sat there and yelled at with abuse.

Im impossible to work with, a pain in the ***,
When all I intend to do is help you be the one to pass.
Im failing school cause of how useless I am,
Its comes across to others like I couldn't give a ****.

I am a failure
I am a child
But this is never who I wanted to be...just simply cant help change the things I hate most about me

I hate the person in which I've become,
Holding resentment for all that I've done.
Facing my demons rather than to turn and run,
Heart beats in a rhythm, to you are the drum.

I understand that you must hate me, HA! I know you must,
This is obvious because. I. Hate. Me, so why wouldn't you?
Aren't all those things you've said to be nothing but true?
That no matter what, there's no way I can earn back your trust.

I would scream, I would punch and I would pray it do good,
Cause right now, what even is the use in being me?
Lost in the darkness I held at bay restricting my ability to see.
If things turned sour now, It'd be I who understood.

I'm done being me and all that I've become
No longer* do I wish to remain as I am
Any effort to strip myself of this inner self, shall do me good
I know ive lost you in my life, im just sure of it...
This be the case...im sure the world will lose something in its life

What even would be the point?
A life without you just isn't worth living

Father, father
Help me
Send your guidance from above.

Cause I need you now
I can no longer wait.
It seems like forever
Since you've been gone
Over time my heart has healed
But the void in my heart beats to a different tune to
That person I was

You know I never thought I'd say this
But im jealous...
...of the life you now live
Maybe one day I'll get to walk with you again
Talk with you again

I'll see you in time...
...Happy Birthday Grandad

I used to think I was
Thought nothing would ever touch me
Could ever
Yet once I awoke I found this was not the case
Seemingly everything got me

I used to think I would always be
Thinking that such thought would never plague me
Could never
Yet I found the more time passed
The more those thoughts hit me

I liked to think that I was
For the sake of me, for us
Impervious was a trait I had to hold
Without it, I'd be a mess

Over time I became Impervious
People words couldnt touch me
They held no meaning
Why do your words hit me?
How do they cut me through chainmail will?

I am Impervious, I am Imperfect, I am Impure, I am Ignorant
Simply I, *me
Am Impervious to the way of this world
All but to you, who solely holds my strings

I used to think I was Impervious
Now im not so sure...

Without you I cannot function right
Hear me out as I utter this plight

You take care of me and play my mother,
With me to you, im like an older brother.
I forget things, and never think straight
You pull me up on the things that ive left too late

You take such good care of me, and I secretly love what you do,
Deep down inside you wish id do it for you.
I wish with all my heart to care for thee,
Look out, and to provide all I can for ye.

I know I'm a child, incapable of taking care of me,
In everything you do, it opens my eyes of how Ive come to be.
You needn't the stress of tending to my problems and flaws,
If anything problem wise I should be attending to yours.

*I am childlike
In personality
And being

I love to be mothered and am how I am, just dont tire yourself out over me
Cause when the time comes, for strength and help I'll be there for ye

I dig
You dig
We dig
He dig
She dig
They did

Do Re Mi,
Life is as bad as it can be,
Do Re Mi,
What is wrong with me?
Do Re Mi,
Enough with this misery,
Do Re Mi,
The pain I don't want anyone to see,
Do Re Mi,
I've lost my rhythm,
Do Re Mi,
My songs fallen apart,
Do Re Mi,
I'm way off tune,
Do Re Mi,*
Life is as bad as it can be.

It has been long
Since I's last here
A lot has changed
Too much I fear

Once upon, then ago
Nothing but sorrow
Since that time before
Waiting for tomorrow

Concealed in me
Was locked away
Till the monster inside
Could come out to play

Dont believe for a moment
As if you know me
Look a little deeper
No longer cease to see

Write 1000 words
Each one a different sound
Meaning behind each and every
Sinking beneath the ground

Another paragraph
Yet another rhyme
Heart and soul empty
Reached the end of time

No sense to be made
You couldn't understand
Don't listen anymore
Adhere your *reprimand

Dear Me,

You're a liar...

A fraud...

A fake...

You think that words can always fix what it is you have done not thinking about the affect your words have.
Was there ever a time you stuck to your word...?

I didnt think so...
Tell me this,

You have said you will be there, that you will never leave...
So what was this morning? What was last night or the morning before?
How can you sit there and tell yourself AND HER that you wont leave, that youre there when we all know youre not...

You left this morning, you broke her, you ruined her mood, her day... you left
How does that make you feel?
You said you would stay with her till she slept but at 1 you gave in when you recieved no replies...her internet had died and she stayed for you...she stayed till 5...but you left

You are a liar...

Can you forgive yourself?
Cause I dont

Sincerely...
me